When there’s only one person at home, it always feels as if the house is super empty. But after you watch a horror movie about ghosts, it always feels as if there are people everywhere, from the closet to under the bed; even the shadows of the trees swaying back and forth by the window. All and any of these could be imagined to be the birth of something strange.
Gu Lai sat on his sofa with both hands subconsciously holding his knees. His eyes were alert and scanning over the darkness below his bed as he wondered to himself, would it be the same as in the movie where a female corpse that had died long ago would be laying there, staring at him with those eyes, night and day……
Wait…..
He can’t keep thinking about it; the more he did, the more afraid he was going to get.
Gu Lai pursed his lips and used his sleeves to roughly wipe at his eyes. He was an adult now. He can’t be like when he was still a little ball of light, just crying and going ‘wu wu wu’. He recalled that he had to go to his cooking class tomorrow morning, so he got up and set an alarm. Then he forcefully turned on the programming in his mind to sleep deeply as he curled up on the sofa.
On the flip side, Shen You had a sleepless night.
As a human, being too prideful was not always a good thing. His whole life, Shen You had never stepped down from his pedestal and folded to someone else’s whims. Not even when he came out of the closet and was almost beaten to death by his father; it was not that he didn’t want to, but he couldn’t.
His personality was not very likeable and his useless pride could only hide his heart, never allowing himself to be able to know what he wanted. So he would always miss everything.
Just like how there was an older brother standing above Shen You, Tang Yi Shan and Ke Jing also had brothers, and their families’ businesses already had a pool of candidates for their inheritance. Below these positions of power were only those whose responsibilities were to just play, eat, and wait to die. As long as they don’t get into any trouble, their families will already be thanking the heavens.
Ke Jing had actually once tried to open his own company but the management level was a joke since most of them were just his friends who weren’t the most studious or honest of folk. Those friends who were already sons of wealthy families were just bored and took the positions to be a part of the crowd. So after that brief moment of desire to do something, they couldn’t have accomplished anything.
When the three gathered for dinner that night, Shen You didn’t take a single bite nor a sip of wine.. Instead, he stared at his phone with an emotionless face and constantly refreshed his notifications, as if he was waiting for some news from someone. Tang Yi Shan waved the waiter away as he imperceptibly glanced over and said with layered meanings hidden in his tone,
“Stop jabbing. You’re gonna poke a hole through the screen and then you’ll have to get a new phone. How troublesome would that be.”
Shen You coldly lifted his eyes and threw his phone on the table. He slowly rotated the silver ring engraved with letters on his pinky and sneered,
“If it breaks, then I’ll change it. It’s not as if I can’t fucking afford it.”
Tang Yi Shan heard something going on under these words, and he contemplated it as he rubbed at his chin. Before he could say anything though, Ke Jing who had been deep in his game lifted his head up and asked without thought or care,
“What, you got dumped?”
“Fuck off,”
Shen You grabbed his phone again and found that his notifications were still as empty as ever. He subconsciously furrowed his eyebrows and his handsome face darkened like a brewing storm,
“I’m the one who does the fucking dumping.”
Hearing this, Tang Yi Shan immediately became interested. He sat closer to Shen You and stole his phone. He discreetly scanned over the screen as he kept sliding his finger lightly to keep it awake,
“Hoh, what is this huh. Come on, talk to us. Don’t just play on your phone. Let your bros hear how you dumped him.”
Ke Jing also joined in and slid over closer,
“Yeah, quick, what, say it, say it.”
Shen You coldly hooked up his lips, raising an eyebrow and mockingly said,
“However you dumped those girls, that’s how I dumped him.”
Tang Yi Shan shamelessly pushed up his glasses and said,
“Then it’s quite easy, just the same three steps. Apologize, reject, and block. So, my friend, what step are you on?”
As he said this, he waved the phone in the air, with the screen turned on and showing two words very clearly: “Gu Lai”,
“Oh, you haven’t deleted him yet, huh? Should I help you?”
Just like how friendships between girls worked, when your girl friend has been dumped by a scumbag, her best friend would not want her to repeat history. It was the same with guys. Ke Jing and Tang Yi Shan were quite sensitive to these issues, so how could they not have seen Shen You’s recent abnormal behaviour? They were not at all willing for him to be duped, hook, line and sinker, again.
Tang Yi Shan said,
“How many years has it been? How have you not learned a single thing? Being deceived around and around like a dog chasing its tail.”
In the midst of talking, his fingers slightly moved and deleted the person at the very top of the friend list.
“Don’t —-!”
Shen You’s pupils shrunk as he hastily reached out his hand to grab his phone back. His chair was pushed back with a piercing screech, but it was already too late. In one clean swoop that person was deleted off his friends list.
That’s it?
Just like that, he’s gone?
Shen You stole his phone back, unwilling to believe it. He looked at his friends list over and over, acting so persistent that it was frightening. Ke Jing scratched his head, thinking that Tang Yi Shan had gone a bit overboard, as no matter what, he shouldn’t have deleted someone off from the other’s friend list. He comforted Shen You and said,
“That, uh, why don’t you add him back?”
Tang Yi Shan was the most calm and he smoothed down his shirt that had gotten wrinkled from Shen You’s grasp. He stared at Shen You and quietly added fuel to the fire,
“What’s the point of adding him back? Didn’t you dump him, hmm? Or did you just lie to keep your pride, and the one who was dumped was you and not him?”
Shen You froze in place, like a burning fire that had been doused, leaving only a deep silence. After a moment, he narrowed his eyes and dragged back his chair to sit back down again with an emotionless look on his face. He threw his phone on the table and, with rough and agitated movements, lit up a cigarette. He puffed out a ring of smoke, but since he had inhaled too hard on the initial whiff, his eyes were reddened,
“Who lied. I was the fucking one who threw him away……”
His smoking addiction seemed to have worsened and after just a few moments, the cigarette was finished and Shen You lit up another. He didn’t look at the other two as his Adam’s apple moved and he muttered quietly to himself,
“If he’s gone, then he’s gone.”
Tang Yi Shan studied him for a moment before smiling. He rose up, pushing his chair back, as he said,
“If you can keep your mind open like this, that would be for the best. So many people would line up before you if you just say the word. You could have so many to pick from, all at your disposal, so why would you hang yourself around a bad apple or a crooked tree. I still have a few things to do, so I’m going to take my leave first. You foot the bill.”
And then patted Shen You’s shoulder before going out the door.
Ke Jing muttered to himself,
“This fucking guy really doesn’t give his friends the time of day, leaving without even taking a single bite of the food. This entire table of food……”
Before he could finish though, he caught a glimpse of Shen You’s darkening face, and his throat subconsciously closed up, swallowing any words on his tongue.
Ke Jing was not the most courageous of folk. He was not as good at fighting as Shen You and that smartass fox, Tang Yi Shan, had left in a puff. So, left alone with Shen You, who was strangling the air with the pressure he was emitting, he started to panic. Looking around, left and right, he then stuttered out,
“That uh, uh, my cousin seems to be getting married today, so I’m gonna go check up on him. I’m going to go now. Uh, don’t forget to pay the bill.”
And then ran out in the same second. At that time, Tang Yi Shan had not gotten far so Ke Jing was able to catch up to him. Ke Jing grabbed the other’s collar as he said,
“Alright you fucking bastard! Starting a shitstorm and leaving me there! Why did you delete his friend for no good reason! Do your fingers need a job?”
Tang Yi Shan wrangled his shirt out from the other’s grasp, thinking that this shirt can’t be worn anymore. He took his time walking down the stairs as he said,
“What, so I deleted him. He didn’t even say anything and you’re already getting into a huff.”
Ke Jing scratched his head and couldn’t help but look back,
“He looked like… as if he was in so much emotional pain. This side of him is quite a rare sight.”
Tang Yi Shan: “Really. How could I not have seen that?”
Ke Jing pushed him with furrowed eyebrows,
“You know what kind of temper he has. Always keeping everything to himself, stuffing whatever issue deep into his heart, and he loves to show that it’s whatever and he’s ok. Didn’t you see it?”
They’d been friends since they were babies until now, so who wouldn’t know what from each other. Ke Jing didn’t believe at all that Tang Yi Shan didn’t sense anything off.
Tang Yi Shan paused in his footsteps,
“My fault. I shouldn’t have encouraged him towards the fire. I had thought that Shen You had learnt his lesson, when he hadn’t at all. There are really people in this world who stumble more than once over the same pitfall. There’s nothing that can be done even when he’s in such pain. If it’s going to be a long term pain, why not just take all the pain in a short burst instead.”
The place they had gathered at had a very quiet and calming environment, filled with decorations and surrounded by an atmosphere that created a beautiful, historical feeling. There was even a woman wearing a cheongsam and playing a guzheng behind a wooden screen in the middle of the lobby on the first floor. Yet even with this kind of environment, as soon as the two of them left, leaving Shen You alone, the room became dead quiet.
Shen You buried his head in his knees. With his right hand in a fist and held up against his forehead, the warm lights of the room shone down on his shoulders like flowing water and highlighted his very thin back. As he silently extinguished his cigarette, his eyes suddenly looked so helpless, and he ultimately ended up closing them.
Gu Lai did not know a single thing about what happened that night with Shen You. The next morning, when he finally overcame his fear from the horror movie; when he could faintly recall his scattered memories, he wanted to apologize to Shen You, but he was shocked to find that he had been deleted from Shen You’s friend list.
He was deleted and blocked, as in his messages list, there was no person called Shen You.
Perhaps he could add him back, but after a moment of silence, Gu Lai didn’t do anything. He couldn’t explain what he was feeling right now, but perhaps…… it could be a bit of something like an unwillingness to let go without some sort of resolution, an explanation or apology from the other?
He stared at his mirror, and he hesitantly reached out his hand and wiped away the water stains. He said out loud, as if he was talking to another person from a different dimension,
“Galactic Officer……”
“Perhaps, it is because I am still not good enough.”
At this moment, Gu Lai suddenly felt as if he would be more suited to go the technical route. Knowledge of humans and their ways of socialization made up quite a thin folder in his mind. No matter how much he worked at it, he would never be able to perfect it.
So, he should really focus on his career and work hard.
For the next couple of months, Gu Lai kept practicing and training in his classes and didn’t keep in contact with anyone. He put 120% of his effort and energy into this, so much so that even Yu Xi could not see him more than a few times.
The weather was slowly getting colder and the sun no longer shone down with that burning temperature. People were changing to long sleeves and thicker clothes. Today, the teacher was taking a day off, so Gu Lai arrived home a bit earlier than usual. When he walked into the elevator and the door was about to close, a shadow of a person rushed to clamber in.
“Wait wait wait wait!”
Even while wearing high heels, Yu Xi ran faster than the wind, blowing her beautifully curled hair like swaying seaweed into a ruffled and disordered mess. Gu Lai pressed on the button to keep the elevator door open and only pressed the ‘close door’ button when she stepped in.
With a bit of a plaintive tone in her voice, Yu Xi said,
“I’ve called out to you a few times, why didn’t you respond?”
Gu Lai was wearing a light grey, low collared wool shirt which half revealed, half hid his collarbone. His black hair was very clean and styled in a sophisticated style. With his overly tall figure, he was already a sight that made people blush and set hearts racing. In such a short few months of time, the aura he projected had become even more gentle and warm. He took the bright blue earphones out of his ears and smiled as he said,
“Sorry, I might have been too into my music that I did not notice.”
Yu Xi faced the mirror in the elevator and fixed her hair as she said,
“Wow, Mr. Busy Guy, why aren’t you at class today?”
She didn’t know if she was misreading it, but Gu Lai seemed to be more expressive, at least outwardly, and had less of that machine-like coldness. Gu Lai shook his head at her question and said in a tone that implied that he didn’t fully understand,
“The teacher’s taking a break, so there is no class today.”
“I knew it,” Yu Xi said, “today’s the Mid-Autumn festival, so everyone’s off work.”
The elevator reached their floor just then, so the two of them headed out. Yu Xi dragged her suitcase with her as she lamented,
“I was planning to go back home to visit my mom and dad, but in my rush, I forgot to grab a lot of things. Ah, have you planned how you’re going to spend the holiday?”
The moment she said this, she paused as she faintly recalled that Gu Lai’s parents seemed to have passed away. She scolded herself for saying it, and before he could respond, she quickly changed the topic,
“I have a few boxes of mooncake, with lotus seed paste and egg yolks. I can’t finish them by myself, so how about I split some with you?”1
And then she quickly went into her apartment and grabbed a few elaborately decorated tins of mooncakes to pass over to him. Gu Lai stood by her doorway and paused at this,
“Mid-Autumn festival….. do you all spend it with your family?”
Yu Xi was stuffing as much make-up and skincare products as she could into the suitcase and didn’t even need to think before answering,
“You gotta spend the Mid-Autumn festival with your family. Ah, I’m not gonna make it in time. I won’t be able to catch my ride. I have some clothes still drying out in the sun, so in case it ever rains, please remember to help take them down for me. Please and thank you, handsome guy.”
And then she dragged her luggage with her out the door and blew him a kiss as she left.
Gu Lai stared at the mooncake gift boxes in his hand and then entered his apartment. He somehow felt that his place was a bit too overly cold and quiet, as he was used to being busy these past few months. Now that he had nothing to do, he didn’t know what he should do.
Someone who had the same feelings as him was Shen You. For the Mid-Autumn festival, the Shen family had not booked a room at a restaurant, instead hosting a dinner at the main family mansion. His mother had called him up quite a while ago, ordering him to not be so rebellious and come.
Once the middle aged maid put the dishes on the table, she took her leave. Father Shen was sitting at the end of one long table. Although he held a cane in his hand, he still looked quite energetic and full of life. His gaze swept through all the people at the table: his eldest son, his daughter-in-law, his grandkids, and then his eyes settled on his second eldest son, Shen You. His expression turned cold at the sight of him, visibly growing darker,
“Aren’t you quite headstrong huh? Learning to run away from home, moving out of the house for a few years and not coming back. Why have you come here today huh?!”
It’s been said that you can’t be father and son without having enmity between each other2 and this turned out to be true. The atmosphere in the room started to freeze up like ice at his words, and after a moment of slow and quiet awkwardness, the eldest son of the family, Shen Kuo gave a smile and tried to bring the atmosphere back up,
“Father, Shen You knows what he has done wrong. It’s the Mid-Autumn festival, a time where everyone has gathered here after great difficulty…..”
Father Shen only responded with three words:
“What an embarrassment!”
Mother Shen’s eyes reddened at that and she put her chopsticks down harshly,
“What embarrassment? Is your own biological son more important or is your pride more important? It was a fine day until you had to make such a big fuss!”
No one dared to utter a peep, only looking at each other. When their elders were speaking, they couldn’t interrupt.
Shen You did not say a single word. Whatever his father went on about, he took it all in as much as he could. At this however, he rose up and grabbed the jacket on his chair,
“You all can eat up. I just came back to take a look.”
And then ignoring mother Shen’s harried cries for him to stay, he turned around and left the mansion, driving off into the distance.
Perhaps with the more wealth you have, the more you value your image. Father Shen had been a driven and ambitious man throughout his life, believing that he was an upright person himself. The only stain he had was this incompetent son of his, Shen You. With perfectly fine women everywhere, he had to like men. What an embarrassment to the family and their ancestors.
So whenever they met, they fought like fighting roosters.
And slowly, Shen You didn’t like to appear before him, to keep from being the target of his ire.
Right now, Tang Yi Shan and Ke Jing should also be with their families. So, Shen You drove aimlessly on the streets before finally making a stop at a place.
This was quite near Gu Lai’s apartment as Shen You had heard him mention the general area that the other lived in, but he didn’t know the specific location. So without thinking too much about it, he somehow drove all the way here.
He sat in the car quietly, not knowing what he should do nor where he should go. He didn’t like the noisiness of the bar, so he got out of the car and walked to a nearby supermarket to buy a bag filled with alcohol. Then he went back into the car and sat in the back, slowly chugging them down.
Shen You had a good alcohol tolerance, but it didn’t help that he was mixing wine and beer and just chugging them all down all the same. Soon, his brain was starting to get a bit dizzy. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to drive, but he also didn’t want to go home. So he planned to stay in his car for the entire night. As the ice cold alcohol slipped down his throat, leaving a burning trail of pain, it brought along a long unfelt but familiar pain in his stomach.
He exhaled a breath and his face showed nothing but his fortitude. Cold sweat was breaking out in heavy rivulets on his forehead, and from a glance at the rearview mirror, he found himself looking so wasted and out of it and he suddenly felt like a broken can being shattered even more.
How could he have lived to reach such a terrible state……
Shen You’s eyes began to wander. He flipped open the contacts lists on his phone, and the glimmer of the screen was reflected in his eyes. He very seriously searched through the names, and then finally stopped at the one labeled “Gu Lai”.3 His fingers moved over and then drifted off, moved over and drifted off, repeating that cycle a few more times, before his hand trembled and finally pressed down.
“Du…….Du…….Du……”
The phone rang on for five long “du”s before someone picked up. A familiar male voice came over the line,
“Hello?”
Shen You was a bit drunk. He lay down on the backseat, staring at the dark ceiling of the car as he held his cellphone by his ear and said nothing.
Gu Lai took a look at the very dark sky outside, not understanding why the other had called him so late,
“Is this Shen You?”
Shen You’s Adam’s apple moved as his disordered hair fell over and blocked his eyesight,
“Gu Lai, I’m going to ask you a question……”
Gu Lai rose up from the sofa at this and took a few steps before sitting back down. Still, he said with a very gentle and warm voice,
“Sure, go ahead and ask.”
Shen You’s voice was very quiet, which was a bit unlike him,
“That day at the movie theatre……why did you hug me?”
A long silence answered him back.
Gu Lai suddenly seemed to have understood why Shen You had become so angry. It was probably because he had been so afraid that day and done something so overboard. After a few months of attending the cooking classes, he had a rough understanding that some people did not like overly friendly touches or intrusions to their personal space.
“……Sorry, that day I had been a bit afraid,” Gu Lai paused here and pouted a bit, “I didn’t know that you did not like to be so physically close with other people.”
After about ten seconds or so, Shen You finally spoke with his voice sounding very normal,
“Afraid of what? Ghosts……?”
Gu Lai nodded his head frantically,
“Mhmm hmm……”
“Hoh…..”
On the other end of the call, Shen You paused in silence for a second, before laughing softly, as if he had heard a very interesting joke. He laughed and laughed until he couldn’t breathe. Gu Lai thought he was laughing at him, so he didn’t say anything, but the more he heard the other, the more he thought that something was wrong. He suddenly found that in the midst of Shen You’s laughter, there was the sound of a cry. A low and quiet cry, that sounded like a small, hurt animal.
Gu Lai suddenly felt a bit uneasy. He slowly walked in circles around his room,
“Are you…… laughing at me?”
Shen You stopped his laughter,
“No……”
He buried his face in the seat, a trail of tears appearing by his jaw which shimmered faintly in this dark of night. Shen You said with a hoarse voice,
“I’m laughing at myself…..”
When there’s only one person at home, it always feels as if the house is super empty. But after you watch a horror movie about ghosts, it always feels as if there are people everywhere, from the closet to under the bed; even the shadows of the trees swaying back and forth by the window. All and any of these could be imagined to be the birth of something strange.
Gu Lai sat on his sofa with both hands subconsciously holding his knees. His eyes were alert and scanning over the darkness below his bed as he wondered to himself, would it be the same as in the movie where a female corpse that had died long ago would be laying there, staring at him with those eyes, night and day……
Wait…..
He can’t keep thinking about it; the more he did, the more afraid he was going to get.
Gu Lai pursed his lips and used his sleeves to roughly wipe at his eyes. He was an adult now. He can’t be like when he was still a little ball of light, just crying and going ‘wu wu wu’. He recalled that he had to go to his cooking class tomorrow morning, so he got up and set an alarm. Then he forcefully turned on the programming in his mind to sleep deeply as he curled up on the sofa.
On the flip side, Shen You had a sleepless night.
As a human, being too prideful was not always a good thing. His whole life, Shen You had never stepped down from his pedestal and folded to someone else’s whims. Not even when he came out of the closet and was almost beaten to death by his father; it was not that he didn’t want to, but he couldn’t.
His personality was not very likeable and his useless pride could only hide his heart, never allowing himself to be able to know what he wanted. So he would always miss everything.
Just like how there was an older brother standing above Shen You, Tang Yi Shan and Ke Jing also had brothers, and their families’ businesses already had a pool of candidates for their inheritance. Below these positions of power were only those whose responsibilities were to just play, eat, and wait to die. As long as they don’t get into any trouble, their families will already be thanking the heavens.
Ke Jing had actually once tried to open his own company but the management level was a joke since most of them were just his friends who weren’t the most studious or honest of folk. Those friends who were already sons of wealthy families were just bored and took the positions to be a part of the crowd. So after that brief moment of desire to do something, they couldn’t have accomplished anything.
When the three gathered for dinner that night, Shen You didn’t take a single bite nor a sip of wine.. Instead, he stared at his phone with an emotionless face and constantly refreshed his notifications, as if he was waiting for some news from someone. Tang Yi Shan waved the waiter away as he imperceptibly glanced over and said with layered meanings hidden in his tone,
“Stop jabbing. You’re gonna poke a hole through the screen and then you’ll have to get a new phone. How troublesome would that be.”
Shen You coldly lifted his eyes and threw his phone on the table. He slowly rotated the silver ring engraved with letters on his pinky and sneered,
“If it breaks, then I’ll change it. It’s not as if I can’t fucking afford it.”
Tang Yi Shan heard something going on under these words, and he contemplated it as he rubbed at his chin. Before he could say anything though, Ke Jing who had been deep in his game lifted his head up and asked without thought or care,
“What, you got dumped?”
“Fuck off,”
Shen You grabbed his phone again and found that his notifications were still as empty as ever. He subconsciously furrowed his eyebrows and his handsome face darkened like a brewing storm,
“I’m the one who does the fucking dumping.”
Hearing this, Tang Yi Shan immediately became interested. He sat closer to Shen You and stole his phone. He discreetly scanned over the screen as he kept sliding his finger lightly to keep it awake,
“Hoh, what is this huh. Come on, talk to us. Don’t just play on your phone. Let your bros hear how you dumped him.”
Ke Jing also joined in and slid over closer,
“Yeah, quick, what, say it, say it.”
Shen You coldly hooked up his lips, raising an eyebrow and mockingly said,
“However you dumped those girls, that’s how I dumped him.”
Tang Yi Shan shamelessly pushed up his glasses and said,
“Then it’s quite easy, just the same three steps. Apologize, reject, and block. So, my friend, what step are you on?”
As he said this, he waved the phone in the air, with the screen turned on and showing two words very clearly: “Gu Lai”,
“Oh, you haven’t deleted him yet, huh? Should I help you?”
Just like how friendships between girls worked, when your girl friend has been dumped by a scumbag, her best friend would not want her to repeat history. It was the same with guys. Ke Jing and Tang Yi Shan were quite sensitive to these issues, so how could they not have seen Shen You’s recent abnormal behaviour? They were not at all willing for him to be duped, hook, line and sinker, again.
Tang Yi Shan said,
“How many years has it been? How have you not learned a single thing? Being deceived around and around like a dog chasing its tail.”
In the midst of talking, his fingers slightly moved and deleted the person at the very top of the friend list.
“Don’t —-!”
Shen You’s pupils shrunk as he hastily reached out his hand to grab his phone back. His chair was pushed back with a piercing screech, but it was already too late. In one clean swoop that person was deleted off his friends list.
That’s it?
Just like that, he’s gone?
Shen You stole his phone back, unwilling to believe it. He looked at his friends list over and over, acting so persistent that it was frightening. Ke Jing scratched his head, thinking that Tang Yi Shan had gone a bit overboard, as no matter what, he shouldn’t have deleted someone off from the other’s friend list. He comforted Shen You and said,
“That, uh, why don’t you add him back?”
Tang Yi Shan was the most calm and he smoothed down his shirt that had gotten wrinkled from Shen You’s grasp. He stared at Shen You and quietly added fuel to the fire,
“What’s the point of adding him back? Didn’t you dump him, hmm? Or did you just lie to keep your pride, and the one who was dumped was you and not him?”
Shen You froze in place, like a burning fire that had been doused, leaving only a deep silence. After a moment, he narrowed his eyes and dragged back his chair to sit back down again with an emotionless look on his face. He threw his phone on the table and, with rough and agitated movements, lit up a cigarette. He puffed out a ring of smoke, but since he had inhaled too hard on the initial whiff, his eyes were reddened,
“Who lied. I was the fucking one who threw him away……”
His smoking addiction seemed to have worsened and after just a few moments, the cigarette was finished and Shen You lit up another. He didn’t look at the other two as his Adam’s apple moved and he muttered quietly to himself,
“If he’s gone, then he’s gone.”
Tang Yi Shan studied him for a moment before smiling. He rose up, pushing his chair back, as he said,
“If you can keep your mind open like this, that would be for the best. So many people would line up before you if you just say the word. You could have so many to pick from, all at your disposal, so why would you hang yourself around a bad apple or a crooked tree. I still have a few things to do, so I’m going to take my leave first. You foot the bill.”
And then patted Shen You’s shoulder before going out the door.
Ke Jing muttered to himself,
“This fucking guy really doesn’t give his friends the time of day, leaving without even taking a single bite of the food. This entire table of food……”
Before he could finish though, he caught a glimpse of Shen You’s darkening face, and his throat subconsciously closed up, swallowing any words on his tongue.
Ke Jing was not the most courageous of folk. He was not as good at fighting as Shen You and that smartass fox, Tang Yi Shan, had left in a puff. So, left alone with Shen You, who was strangling the air with the pressure he was emitting, he started to panic. Looking around, left and right, he then stuttered out,
“That uh, uh, my cousin seems to be getting married today, so I’m gonna go check up on him. I’m going to go now. Uh, don’t forget to pay the bill.”
And then ran out in the same second. At that time, Tang Yi Shan had not gotten far so Ke Jing was able to catch up to him. Ke Jing grabbed the other’s collar as he said,
“Alright you fucking bastard! Starting a shitstorm and leaving me there! Why did you delete his friend for no good reason! Do your fingers need a job?”
Tang Yi Shan wrangled his shirt out from the other’s grasp, thinking that this shirt can’t be worn anymore. He took his time walking down the stairs as he said,
“What, so I deleted him. He didn’t even say anything and you’re already getting into a huff.”
Ke Jing scratched his head and couldn’t help but look back,
“He looked like… as if he was in so much emotional pain. This side of him is quite a rare sight.”
Tang Yi Shan: “Really. How could I not have seen that?”
Ke Jing pushed him with furrowed eyebrows,
“You know what kind of temper he has. Always keeping everything to himself, stuffing whatever issue deep into his heart, and he loves to show that it’s whatever and he’s ok. Didn’t you see it?”
They’d been friends since they were babies until now, so who wouldn’t know what from each other. Ke Jing didn’t believe at all that Tang Yi Shan didn’t sense anything off.
Tang Yi Shan paused in his footsteps,
“My fault. I shouldn’t have encouraged him towards the fire. I had thought that Shen You had learnt his lesson, when he hadn’t at all. There are really people in this world who stumble more than once over the same pitfall. There’s nothing that can be done even when he’s in such pain. If it’s going to be a long term pain, why not just take all the pain in a short burst instead.”
The place they had gathered at had a very quiet and calming environment, filled with decorations and surrounded by an atmosphere that created a beautiful, historical feeling. There was even a woman wearing a cheongsam and playing a guzheng behind a wooden screen in the middle of the lobby on the first floor. Yet even with this kind of environment, as soon as the two of them left, leaving Shen You alone, the room became dead quiet.
Shen You buried his head in his knees. With his right hand in a fist and held up against his forehead, the warm lights of the room shone down on his shoulders like flowing water and highlighted his very thin back. As he silently extinguished his cigarette, his eyes suddenly looked so helpless, and he ultimately ended up closing them.
Gu Lai did not know a single thing about what happened that night with Shen You. The next morning, when he finally overcame his fear from the horror movie; when he could faintly recall his scattered memories, he wanted to apologize to Shen You, but he was shocked to find that he had been deleted from Shen You’s friend list.
He was deleted and blocked, as in his messages list, there was no person called Shen You.
Perhaps he could add him back, but after a moment of silence, Gu Lai didn’t do anything. He couldn’t explain what he was feeling right now, but perhaps…… it could be a bit of something like an unwillingness to let go without some sort of resolution, an explanation or apology from the other?
He stared at his mirror, and he hesitantly reached out his hand and wiped away the water stains. He said out loud, as if he was talking to another person from a different dimension,
“Galactic Officer……”
“Perhaps, it is because I am still not good enough.”
At this moment, Gu Lai suddenly felt as if he would be more suited to go the technical route. Knowledge of humans and their ways of socialization made up quite a thin folder in his mind. No matter how much he worked at it, he would never be able to perfect it.
So, he should really focus on his career and work hard.
For the next couple of months, Gu Lai kept practicing and training in his classes and didn’t keep in contact with anyone. He put 120% of his effort and energy into this, so much so that even Yu Xi could not see him more than a few times.
The weather was slowly getting colder and the sun no longer shone down with that burning temperature. People were changing to long sleeves and thicker clothes. Today, the teacher was taking a day off, so Gu Lai arrived home a bit earlier than usual. When he walked into the elevator and the door was about to close, a shadow of a person rushed to clamber in.
“Wait wait wait wait!”
Even while wearing high heels, Yu Xi ran faster than the wind, blowing her beautifully curled hair like swaying seaweed into a ruffled and disordered mess. Gu Lai pressed on the button to keep the elevator door open and only pressed the ‘close door’ button when she stepped in.
With a bit of a plaintive tone in her voice, Yu Xi said,
“I’ve called out to you a few times, why didn’t you respond?”
Gu Lai was wearing a light grey, low collared wool shirt which half revealed, half hid his collarbone. His black hair was very clean and styled in a sophisticated style. With his overly tall figure, he was already a sight that made people blush and set hearts racing. In such a short few months of time, the aura he projected had become even more gentle and warm. He took the bright blue earphones out of his ears and smiled as he said,
“Sorry, I might have been too into my music that I did not notice.”
Yu Xi faced the mirror in the elevator and fixed her hair as she said,
“Wow, Mr. Busy Guy, why aren’t you at class today?”
She didn’t know if she was misreading it, but Gu Lai seemed to be more expressive, at least outwardly, and had less of that machine-like coldness. Gu Lai shook his head at her question and said in a tone that implied that he didn’t fully understand,
“The teacher’s taking a break, so there is no class today.”
“I knew it,” Yu Xi said, “today’s the Mid-Autumn festival, so everyone’s off work.”
The elevator reached their floor just then, so the two of them headed out. Yu Xi dragged her suitcase with her as she lamented,
“I was planning to go back home to visit my mom and dad, but in my rush, I forgot to grab a lot of things. Ah, have you planned how you’re going to spend the holiday?”
The moment she said this, she paused as she faintly recalled that Gu Lai’s parents seemed to have passed away. She scolded herself for saying it, and before he could respond, she quickly changed the topic,
“I have a few boxes of mooncake, with lotus seed paste and egg yolks. I can’t finish them by myself, so how about I split some with you?”1
And then she quickly went into her apartment and grabbed a few elaborately decorated tins of mooncakes to pass over to him. Gu Lai stood by her doorway and paused at this,
“Mid-Autumn festival….. do you all spend it with your family?”
Yu Xi was stuffing as much make-up and skincare products as she could into the suitcase and didn’t even need to think before answering,
“You gotta spend the Mid-Autumn festival with your family. Ah, I’m not gonna make it in time. I won’t be able to catch my ride. I have some clothes still drying out in the sun, so in case it ever rains, please remember to help take them down for me. Please and thank you, handsome guy.”
And then she dragged her luggage with her out the door and blew him a kiss as she left.
Gu Lai stared at the mooncake gift boxes in his hand and then entered his apartment. He somehow felt that his place was a bit too overly cold and quiet, as he was used to being busy these past few months. Now that he had nothing to do, he didn’t know what he should do.
Someone who had the same feelings as him was Shen You. For the Mid-Autumn festival, the Shen family had not booked a room at a restaurant, instead hosting a dinner at the main family mansion. His mother had called him up quite a while ago, ordering him to not be so rebellious and come.
Once the middle aged maid put the dishes on the table, she took her leave. Father Shen was sitting at the end of one long table. Although he held a cane in his hand, he still looked quite energetic and full of life. His gaze swept through all the people at the table: his eldest son, his daughter-in-law, his grandkids, and then his eyes settled on his second eldest son, Shen You. His expression turned cold at the sight of him, visibly growing darker,
“Aren’t you quite headstrong huh? Learning to run away from home, moving out of the house for a few years and not coming back. Why have you come here today huh?!”
It’s been said that you can’t be father and son without having enmity between each other2 and this turned out to be true. The atmosphere in the room started to freeze up like ice at his words, and after a moment of slow and quiet awkwardness, the eldest son of the family, Shen Kuo gave a smile and tried to bring the atmosphere back up,
“Father, Shen You knows what he has done wrong. It’s the Mid-Autumn festival, a time where everyone has gathered here after great difficulty…..”
Father Shen only responded with three words:
“What an embarrassment!”
Mother Shen’s eyes reddened at that and she put her chopsticks down harshly,
“What embarrassment? Is your own biological son more important or is your pride more important? It was a fine day until you had to make such a big fuss!”
No one dared to utter a peep, only looking at each other. When their elders were speaking, they couldn’t interrupt.
Shen You did not say a single word. Whatever his father went on about, he took it all in as much as he could. At this however, he rose up and grabbed the jacket on his chair,
“You all can eat up. I just came back to take a look.”
And then ignoring mother Shen’s harried cries for him to stay, he turned around and left the mansion, driving off into the distance.
Perhaps with the more wealth you have, the more you value your image. Father Shen had been a driven and ambitious man throughout his life, believing that he was an upright person himself. The only stain he had was this incompetent son of his, Shen You. With perfectly fine women everywhere, he had to like men. What an embarrassment to the family and their ancestors.
So whenever they met, they fought like fighting roosters.
And slowly, Shen You didn’t like to appear before him, to keep from being the target of his ire.
Right now, Tang Yi Shan and Ke Jing should also be with their families. So, Shen You drove aimlessly on the streets before finally making a stop at a place.
This was quite near Gu Lai’s apartment as Shen You had heard him mention the general area that the other lived in, but he didn’t know the specific location. So without thinking too much about it, he somehow drove all the way here.
He sat in the car quietly, not knowing what he should do nor where he should go. He didn’t like the noisiness of the bar, so he got out of the car and walked to a nearby supermarket to buy a bag filled with alcohol. Then he went back into the car and sat in the back, slowly chugging them down.
Shen You had a good alcohol tolerance, but it didn’t help that he was mixing wine and beer and just chugging them all down all the same. Soon, his brain was starting to get a bit dizzy. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to drive, but he also didn’t want to go home. So he planned to stay in his car for the entire night. As the ice cold alcohol slipped down his throat, leaving a burning trail of pain, it brought along a long unfelt but familiar pain in his stomach.
He exhaled a breath and his face showed nothing but his fortitude. Cold sweat was breaking out in heavy rivulets on his forehead, and from a glance at the rearview mirror, he found himself looking so wasted and out of it and he suddenly felt like a broken can being shattered even more.
How could he have lived to reach such a terrible state……
Shen You’s eyes began to wander. He flipped open the contacts lists on his phone, and the glimmer of the screen was reflected in his eyes. He very seriously searched through the names, and then finally stopped at the one labeled “Gu Lai”.3 His fingers moved over and then drifted off, moved over and drifted off, repeating that cycle a few more times, before his hand trembled and finally pressed down.
“Du…….Du…….Du……”
The phone rang on for five long “du”s before someone picked up. A familiar male voice came over the line,
“Hello?”
Shen You was a bit drunk. He lay down on the backseat, staring at the dark ceiling of the car as he held his cellphone by his ear and said nothing.
Gu Lai took a look at the very dark sky outside, not understanding why the other had called him so late,
“Is this Shen You?”
Shen You’s Adam’s apple moved as his disordered hair fell over and blocked his eyesight,
“Gu Lai, I’m going to ask you a question……”
Gu Lai rose up from the sofa at this and took a few steps before sitting back down. Still, he said with a very gentle and warm voice,
“Sure, go ahead and ask.”
Shen You’s voice was very quiet, which was a bit unlike him,
“That day at the movie theatre……why did you hug me?”
A long silence answered him back.
Gu Lai suddenly seemed to have understood why Shen You had become so angry. It was probably because he had been so afraid that day and done something so overboard. After a few months of attending the cooking classes, he had a rough understanding that some people did not like overly friendly touches or intrusions to their personal space.
“……Sorry, that day I had been a bit afraid,” Gu Lai paused here and pouted a bit, “I didn’t know that you did not like to be so physically close with other people.”
After about ten seconds or so, Shen You finally spoke with his voice sounding very normal,
“Afraid of what? Ghosts……?”
Gu Lai nodded his head frantically,
“Mhmm hmm……”
“Hoh…..”
On the other end of the call, Shen You paused in silence for a second, before laughing softly, as if he had heard a very interesting joke. He laughed and laughed until he couldn’t breathe. Gu Lai thought he was laughing at him, so he didn’t say anything, but the more he heard the other, the more he thought that something was wrong. He suddenly found that in the midst of Shen You’s laughter, there was the sound of a cry. A low and quiet cry, that sounded like a small, hurt animal.
Gu Lai suddenly felt a bit uneasy. He slowly walked in circles around his room,
“Are you…… laughing at me?”
Shen You stopped his laughter,
“No……”
He buried his face in the seat, a trail of tears appearing by his jaw which shimmered faintly in this dark of night. Shen You said with a hoarse voice,
“I’m laughing at myself…..”
