Rachel pulled along the frail Roman on the way to her car. All she could remember was that she parked on the curb. The sun had been gone for well over an hour and no light remained. What’s more, Amy’s house was in the cheaper part of their city, with no streetlights as far as she could see. She stumbled around in the grass, praying she was headed in the right direction.
This is how people trip and drown in ditches.
She whipped out her phone and turned on the flashlight. Finally the yard was lit up, as well as the pile of dog poop she was about to step in.
Relieved by the close call, she stepped around it and gestured for Dani to do the same. Now with light, she was finding it much easier to remember where she parked.
Right. It was by a mailbox and a pumpkin.
The sounds of the party got louder as they passed by the window. Meanwhile the rest of the neighborhood looked dead. Kids who were out for candy had gone home long ago, and anyone who wanted to party was either at Amy’s or somewhere else in the city. Rachel wondered if they’d get a noise complaint at some point, seeing as it was a Tuesday.
“Hey,” Dani piped up. “We don’t have to smoke. It sounds like you lost a lot of weed tonight already.”
“Oh don’t worry,” Rachel said without turning around. “They’ll pay me back, it’s no big deal.”
“Right…” Dani’s arm felt a little harder to pull. “Well I’ve been trying to save money, so like, not sure I should be spending it on stuff like this.”
“Nah, my treat tonight. It was my idea, anyway.”
Rachel finally reached the road and found her car, right next to the jack-o’-lantern she saw when she parked. It wasn’t actually her car. She was borrowing it from her sister over the weekend to make even on some house sitting Rachel did for her over the summer.
With a quick pat of her leg she found the keys and unlocked the door, urging for Dani to get in the passengers side. She obeyed.
“God, finally,” Rachel said as she sat down behind the wheel. Her magician’s hat bumped the ceiling and fell to the side. She threw the keys in the cup holder and reached to the back seat for her stash.
“Is it even a good idea to smoke after I’m already drunk?” Dani asked.
Rachel set her old metal lunchbox in her lap and giggled. “That’s literally the best time! You’ve never been crossfaded before?”
Dani looked down and pulled at her toga, then let out a whisper. “I’ve never even been high before…”
“Really?” Rachel said while opening the box. “Well don’t worry, I’ll go easy on you.”
She pulled out a joint she had prepared before the party. Normally she wouldn’t smoke in a car that wasn’t hers. In truth, she wouldn’t smoke in her own car either. Though at the moment she was thankful the car had already smelled like that before her sister lent it to her.
“I didn’t know you knew so much about weed,” Dani said while Rachel fumbled with her lighter.
“Yeah, I was kind of a stoner in high school...” Rachel trailed off.
She had tried to block out those days. After graduating she had sworn to herself to stop smoking. As much as it helped her deal with her own body image, she hated the image it ended up portraying to others. They didn’t stop seeing her as a tall monster, they just saw her as a monster who could hook them up with a high after class.
Her promise to quit had gone well. Her self-esteem didn’t plummet too much, she made herself talk to more people, she got invited to more parties. People started to actually like being around her! She even allowed herself to smoke during social events after a while and things kept improving.
Then one off-hand comment at a party shook her confidence. Not even made in malice, just someone trying to tease her a bit about her height. And then another a few weeks later about her frame. As if the universe conspired to draw out her old insecurities, everything she remembered tormenting her in high school came back to haunt her.
The lighter finally ignited. Rachel stuck the joint in her mouth and lit the end, before finally allowing herself a deep inhale.
From the corner of her vision she could see Dani staring at her in what Rachel assumed was either awe or fear. Before she could decide, she tilted her head toward the small opening in the window she had left down and exhaled. The smoke in her lungs shot out in a gorgeous plume, then was quickly vacuumed out the window by a gust of wind. A tiny cough escaped her as well.
“What did you want to talk about again?” Dani asked. She was leaning toward her own window and seemed to be breathing in the fresh air from outside.
The smell must be bothering him since he’s never done this before. Or is it ‘her’ now? I should have asked earlier. Oh well, they’ll tell me I’m sure.
A familiar relief started to sink in as Rachel contemplated what to call Dani. The constant fear of how she was being seen started to melt away, as if a camera that had been following her all night had finally been shut off. She took another hit.
***
Dani was torn. On one hand, she wanted to hang out with Rachel and connect with her more. Learn about someone who she genuinely thought highly of, as well as make strides toward her first female friendship.
But on the other hand, the thought of getting high terrified her.
What if I smoke too much and overdose? Or if it leads me down a path of harder drugs? God, what if the high never goes away! And I’m just stuck like that forever? That can happen, I think.
Since the moment Rachel had mentioned smoking, Dani had been brainstorming excuses. Something to say that could get her out of having to partake, without putting their night to an abrupt end.
At the moment, she had nothing.
“I figured we could make fun of your roommates a bit,” Rachel said after blowing more smoke out the window. “You said Ryan was pissing you off, right? Sorry if I got the vibe wrong.”
“No, you’re right,” Dani said. “I could go for some complaining.” She recalled how upset he got at her trying to flirt with him earlier in the night. How the weeks prior he would only want to hang out in public during weird times. It was tempting to just explain all of that to Rachel, though she didn’t want to betray his trust, even if he was upsetting her.
If he didn’t want people to know then Dani figured that was his right.
It was also her right to be mad because of it.
“Well what about you?” Dani asked. “I know Simon was… Not great. If you want to vent that’s fine, I won’t tell him anything you said. Obviously.”
Rachel’s gaze didn’t leave the window. “He never really complimented me,” She eventually said. “And he never made plans, it was always me. Some days he wouldn’t even text me, or call, or anything. It almost felt lonelier than before we dated. And I think what stung the most is that I didn’t even blame him. I still don’t.”
“What do you mean?” Dani found herself turning in her seat to face Rachel.
“Why would he even want to do any of those things?” Rachel asked, her voice getting softer with each word. “I’m not worth all that effort. I look weird, and disproportionate, and how do you not just vomit at the sight of me?” She turned toward Dani. Her eyes shined with tears.
“No! Rachel, no, come on,” she said. “You’re worth all of that and more. Please don’t say things like that.” Dani began to panic. She had felt similarly before, but had no idea how to calm a situation like that down. Her usual method of crying until she felt better didn’t seem like the best advice to give at the time.
“I constantly hear guys talking about how beautiful they think you are,” Dani continued. “They all think you’re like a goddess, too far above them to even approach.”
Rachel sniffled. “Like, too tall?”
“Fuck, no. Poor choice of words, sorry.” Dani cringed at herself.
“You’re making all that up, right?” Rachel asked after a deep breath.
“I’m really not,” Dani said. “They maybe used more crude language, but… The sentiment was the same. I could tell.”
Rachel smiled. “I suppose I’ll choose to believe you. I wish I didn’t care as much about things like this.” She tapped the joint in her hands into her cup holder, shaking off the ash.
That feels dangerous, Dani worried.
“Okay,” Rachel said. “It doesn’t fix all my problems but thanks for getting me to chill. Sorry I almost started sobbing on you. Here.” She held out the joint to Dani. “Your turn. Just breathe in.”
Now Dani really began to panic. She had someone be so open, so emotionally raw with her. Could she turn her down? Would she ruin the moment they were having? An actual connection was starting to form, why did she feel compelled to ruin it? What was she so afraid of?
“Or you don’t have to,” Rachel said. “Maybe your first time should be on a fun night, where I wasn't just on the verge of tears. Sorry again.”
“Oh! No, don’t be!” Dani couldn’t hide her relief.
“But I want to get high with you soon,” Rachel said. “I want to hear more about your transition, and get to know you a little better. I meant what I said before, you're a really cool… Oh, um. Do you plan on changing your name?”
At least she didn’t say it again.
“Yeah, kinda. Danielle. Maybe that’s lame to keep my name so similar but I liked my nickname so this way I still get to go by Dani. Just with different spelling.”
“That’s cute,” Rachel said. She went back to blowing smoke by the window. “So you’re becoming a woman? Right? Sorry, I guess I just am not sure how it all works.”
Dani debated on going into a lengthy rant about her need to transition, how her mind and body worked, how everything connected to her gender. Instead, she decided to keep it short. “Basically, yeah.”
Rachel turned and looked Dani up and down, before eventually nodding. “You’re already doing a pretty good job. If anyone was gonna pull it off then it’d be you.”
Dani chose to take that as a compliment. “Really?”
“Yup. Oh!” Rachel yelled, causing Dani to jump. “What if, next week, you and I do some shopping? Like, I can help you pick out an outfit, then we can go to my apartment and you can actually try smoking.”
That would be… Good? Bad? Half and half? Ugh, why does she want me to smoke so badly. Still, I can’t pass up a chance like this. Doing actual friendship stuff with Rachel? And maybe getting some girl clothes out of it?
“Okay, yeah!” Dani said, against her better judgment. “That sounds really fun.”
Announcement Get access to the next FOUR chapters instantly on my Patreon :sunglasses_emoji_face: and part one of my new story!
Rachel pulled along the frail Roman on the way to her car. All she could remember was that she parked on the curb. The sun had been gone for well over an hour and no light remained. What’s more, Amy’s house was in the cheaper part of their city, with no streetlights as far as she could see. She stumbled around in the grass, praying she was headed in the right direction.
This is how people trip and drown in ditches.
She whipped out her phone and turned on the flashlight. Finally the yard was lit up, as well as the pile of dog poop she was about to step in.
Relieved by the close call, she stepped around it and gestured for Dani to do the same. Now with light, she was finding it much easier to remember where she parked.
Right. It was by a mailbox and a pumpkin.
The sounds of the party got louder as they passed by the window. Meanwhile the rest of the neighborhood looked dead. Kids who were out for candy had gone home long ago, and anyone who wanted to party was either at Amy’s or somewhere else in the city. Rachel wondered if they’d get a noise complaint at some point, seeing as it was a Tuesday.
“Hey,” Dani piped up. “We don’t have to smoke. It sounds like you lost a lot of weed tonight already.”
“Oh don’t worry,” Rachel said without turning around. “They’ll pay me back, it’s no big deal.”
“Right…” Dani’s arm felt a little harder to pull. “Well I’ve been trying to save money, so like, not sure I should be spending it on stuff like this.”
“Nah, my treat tonight. It was my idea, anyway.”
Rachel finally reached the road and found her car, right next to the jack-o’-lantern she saw when she parked. It wasn’t actually her car. She was borrowing it from her sister over the weekend to make even on some house sitting Rachel did for her over the summer.
With a quick pat of her leg she found the keys and unlocked the door, urging for Dani to get in the passengers side. She obeyed.
“God, finally,” Rachel said as she sat down behind the wheel. Her magician’s hat bumped the ceiling and fell to the side. She threw the keys in the cup holder and reached to the back seat for her stash.
“Is it even a good idea to smoke after I’m already drunk?” Dani asked.
Rachel set her old metal lunchbox in her lap and giggled. “That’s literally the best time! You’ve never been crossfaded before?”
Dani looked down and pulled at her toga, then let out a whisper. “I’ve never even been high before…”
“Really?” Rachel said while opening the box. “Well don’t worry, I’ll go easy on you.”
She pulled out a joint she had prepared before the party. Normally she wouldn’t smoke in a car that wasn’t hers. In truth, she wouldn’t smoke in her own car either. Though at the moment she was thankful the car had already smelled like that before her sister lent it to her.
“I didn’t know you knew so much about weed,” Dani said while Rachel fumbled with her lighter.
“Yeah, I was kind of a stoner in high school...” Rachel trailed off.
She had tried to block out those days. After graduating she had sworn to herself to stop smoking. As much as it helped her deal with her own body image, she hated the image it ended up portraying to others. They didn’t stop seeing her as a tall monster, they just saw her as a monster who could hook them up with a high after class.
Her promise to quit had gone well. Her self-esteem didn’t plummet too much, she made herself talk to more people, she got invited to more parties. People started to actually like being around her! She even allowed herself to smoke during social events after a while and things kept improving.
Then one off-hand comment at a party shook her confidence. Not even made in malice, just someone trying to tease her a bit about her height. And then another a few weeks later about her frame. As if the universe conspired to draw out her old insecurities, everything she remembered tormenting her in high school came back to haunt her.
The lighter finally ignited. Rachel stuck the joint in her mouth and lit the end, before finally allowing herself a deep inhale.
From the corner of her vision she could see Dani staring at her in what Rachel assumed was either awe or fear. Before she could decide, she tilted her head toward the small opening in the window she had left down and exhaled. The smoke in her lungs shot out in a gorgeous plume, then was quickly vacuumed out the window by a gust of wind. A tiny cough escaped her as well.
“What did you want to talk about again?” Dani asked. She was leaning toward her own window and seemed to be breathing in the fresh air from outside.
The smell must be bothering him since he’s never done this before. Or is it ‘her’ now? I should have asked earlier. Oh well, they’ll tell me I’m sure.
A familiar relief started to sink in as Rachel contemplated what to call Dani. The constant fear of how she was being seen started to melt away, as if a camera that had been following her all night had finally been shut off. She took another hit.
***
Dani was torn. On one hand, she wanted to hang out with Rachel and connect with her more. Learn about someone who she genuinely thought highly of, as well as make strides toward her first female friendship.
But on the other hand, the thought of getting high terrified her.
What if I smoke too much and overdose? Or if it leads me down a path of harder drugs? God, what if the high never goes away! And I’m just stuck like that forever? That can happen, I think.
Since the moment Rachel had mentioned smoking, Dani had been brainstorming excuses. Something to say that could get her out of having to partake, without putting their night to an abrupt end.
At the moment, she had nothing.
“I figured we could make fun of your roommates a bit,” Rachel said after blowing more smoke out the window. “You said Ryan was pissing you off, right? Sorry if I got the vibe wrong.”
“No, you’re right,” Dani said. “I could go for some complaining.” She recalled how upset he got at her trying to flirt with him earlier in the night. How the weeks prior he would only want to hang out in public during weird times. It was tempting to just explain all of that to Rachel, though she didn’t want to betray his trust, even if he was upsetting her.
If he didn’t want people to know then Dani figured that was his right.
It was also her right to be mad because of it.
“Well what about you?” Dani asked. “I know Simon was… Not great. If you want to vent that’s fine, I won’t tell him anything you said. Obviously.”
Rachel’s gaze didn’t leave the window. “He never really complimented me,” She eventually said. “And he never made plans, it was always me. Some days he wouldn’t even text me, or call, or anything. It almost felt lonelier than before we dated. And I think what stung the most is that I didn’t even blame him. I still don’t.”
“What do you mean?” Dani found herself turning in her seat to face Rachel.
“Why would he even want to do any of those things?” Rachel asked, her voice getting softer with each word. “I’m not worth all that effort. I look weird, and disproportionate, and how do you not just vomit at the sight of me?” She turned toward Dani. Her eyes shined with tears.
“No! Rachel, no, come on,” she said. “You’re worth all of that and more. Please don’t say things like that.” Dani began to panic. She had felt similarly before, but had no idea how to calm a situation like that down. Her usual method of crying until she felt better didn’t seem like the best advice to give at the time.
“I constantly hear guys talking about how beautiful they think you are,” Dani continued. “They all think you’re like a goddess, too far above them to even approach.”
Rachel sniffled. “Like, too tall?”
“Fuck, no. Poor choice of words, sorry.” Dani cringed at herself.
“You’re making all that up, right?” Rachel asked after a deep breath.
“I’m really not,” Dani said. “They maybe used more crude language, but… The sentiment was the same. I could tell.”
Rachel smiled. “I suppose I’ll choose to believe you. I wish I didn’t care as much about things like this.” She tapped the joint in her hands into her cup holder, shaking off the ash.
That feels dangerous, Dani worried.
“Okay,” Rachel said. “It doesn’t fix all my problems but thanks for getting me to chill. Sorry I almost started sobbing on you. Here.” She held out the joint to Dani. “Your turn. Just breathe in.”
Now Dani really began to panic. She had someone be so open, so emotionally raw with her. Could she turn her down? Would she ruin the moment they were having? An actual connection was starting to form, why did she feel compelled to ruin it? What was she so afraid of?
“Or you don’t have to,” Rachel said. “Maybe your first time should be on a fun night, where I wasn't just on the verge of tears. Sorry again.”
“Oh! No, don’t be!” Dani couldn’t hide her relief.
“But I want to get high with you soon,” Rachel said. “I want to hear more about your transition, and get to know you a little better. I meant what I said before, you're a really cool… Oh, um. Do you plan on changing your name?”
At least she didn’t say it again.
“Yeah, kinda. Danielle. Maybe that’s lame to keep my name so similar but I liked my nickname so this way I still get to go by Dani. Just with different spelling.”
“That’s cute,” Rachel said. She went back to blowing smoke by the window. “So you’re becoming a woman? Right? Sorry, I guess I just am not sure how it all works.”
Dani debated on going into a lengthy rant about her need to transition, how her mind and body worked, how everything connected to her gender. Instead, she decided to keep it short. “Basically, yeah.”
Rachel turned and looked Dani up and down, before eventually nodding. “You’re already doing a pretty good job. If anyone was gonna pull it off then it’d be you.”
Dani chose to take that as a compliment. “Really?”
“Yup. Oh!” Rachel yelled, causing Dani to jump. “What if, next week, you and I do some shopping? Like, I can help you pick out an outfit, then we can go to my apartment and you can actually try smoking.”
That would be… Good? Bad? Half and half? Ugh, why does she want me to smoke so badly. Still, I can’t pass up a chance like this. Doing actual friendship stuff with Rachel? And maybe getting some girl clothes out of it?
“Okay, yeah!” Dani said, against her better judgment. “That sounds really fun.”
Announcement Get access to the next FOUR chapters instantly on my Patreon :sunglasses_emoji_face: and part one of my new story!