Chapter 345
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Chapter 345
After ninety minutes of smiles and salutes, the stream of arriving guests finally slows to a trickle, giving me time to ease my tortured cheeks and soothe my parched throat. Draining the teacup in a single gulp, I subconsciously nod in thanks at the bowing dark-haired servant while returning the teacup to his proffered tray. As he scurries off to refill the teacup, I question if Ill ever get used to high society living. Its stupid, but thanking servants and treating them like people is frowned upon and utterly unbecoming of the number one talent in the Empire. Honestly, Id rather live without servants at all. While having people wait on you hand and foot sounds nice in practice, Im too socially awkward to be comfortable having strangers lurking around all the time. Besides, knowing me, Ill eventually make friends and then feel terrible about asking them to tidy up or do my laundry or whatever.
Im not cut out for this shit, its way too stressful. Id rather go back to washing my own undies back in the mountains.
Or you know... somewhere else equally isolated and more welcoming.
Andddd in classic Rain fashion, I am now depressed. Resting my forehead against Ping-Pings beak, I give the big turtle a conciliatory pat and sigh, wondering if she even cares about these tiny gestures of affection. Its hard to gauge a turtles mood and doubly so when said turtle is so large you cant really see her whole face at once. With all four legs spread out in a sploot, Ping-Ping is the epitome of chill as she rests her head on the neatly trimmed grass and ignores everything going on around us. Her dark, beady eyes pop open to see what all the fuss is about, revealing a glimmer of gold and maybe even a glimpse into her mind as she wonders why the tiny human is bothering her during nap time.
When Mila hugs Ping-Ping, the big stupid turtle gives her a hefty nudge and cute squeak, but all I get is patronizing tolerance. Maybe shes mad because I havent given her any special water in a few days, or maybe the current environment is stressing her out and this is how she deals with it. Shes already snapped at more than one guest who strayed too close, though thankfully they were only warning snaps and not murderous ones. I wouldnt blame her if she ate one of these pompous, stuck up nobles either, Id like to bite one or two of the guests myself, and not in a sexual way. Well, maybe some of them, but this is my wedding banquet, so those kind of thoughts seem inappropriate.
I just want this day to end so I can get some sleep. Im so exhausted. I cant believe its been less than 24 hours since I discovered Baledagh wasnt real, but its true.
Putting aside all my depressing thoughts, I try to focus on the positives. Today, I was crowned the Number One Talent in the Empire and I got to catch up with old acquaintances. Fungs dad was proud as a peacock and greeted me with a warm hug, joking about how the Golden Swan Pavilion was still grieving over the loss of my patronage. My war buddies from Sanshu are doing well; Sovanna married Magistrate Chu Tongzu and they seem head over heels in love, with their first child on the way and hopefully more to come soon after. Chu XinYue condensed his Aura and was promoted to Major, while Chun Yimu is now Guard Captain of Sanshu, much more polite, and noticeably slimmer and stronger. Jin ZhiLan is still lovely as always and made a crack about how shed missed her chance with me while Sang Ryong was visibly uncomfortable in my presence. He thinks I dont like him, but honestly, I barely even remembered who he was. Still, it was fun watching him squirm.
Of all the people I know, only the Legate, Wu Gam, Mitsue Hideo, Huu, and Yan arent here. The first few dont really matter, but its really bumming me out that Huu didnt come. All three of his parents are here and so is the smelly old half-wolf, but no Huu. Hes clearly going out of his way to avoid me, probably because he found out about my brush with the dark side and doesnt want my germs to get all over him. I joke, but his reaction is... pragmatic. I cant blame him for not trusting me at my word when I say Im no longer Defiled. If our roles were reversed, I wouldnt trust a self-confessed Defiled either, not without a Heavenly Tear of my own to verify things.
Still, he couldve said something to my face instead of ghosting me like a bad first date...
Yan and her adopted Granddaddy are also no-shows and Im more than a little conflicted regarding her absence. On the one hand, this is a wedding banquet for my concubine and not exactly the best setting to reconnect with an old... slightly more than friend? Whatever, itd be weird to toast my latest bride then go catch up with Yan, no matter how much I miss her. And I do miss her. I miss her wry humour and throaty laugh, her teasing taunts and knowing smirks. I miss sparring and chatting with her, but most importantly, I miss sitting around in relaxed silence with her. Its rare to be able to spend hours beside someone without saying a word, so comfortable you dont feel the need to fill the thundering silence.Read latest chapters at nov(e)lbin.com Only
Its a strange thing to cherish, but in my eyes, talk is cheap and silence is golden.
Honestly, despite being crowned number one rookie, todays been a really shitty day. None of the guests have even mentioned my book of inventions. I worked hard on that book, poured my heart and soul into writing the mission statement and making sure the instructions were as clear and concise as possible, but all these people want to talk about are women, weapons, martial arts, and runic shields. Theyre a basic bunch of fat-cat socialites, short-sighted fools who cant see beyond the tip of their noses and understand how game-changing my book really is.
So disappointing. I shouldve listened to Akanai and gifted the Legate some trash art or something. What a waste of effort and runic shields.
I dont know if its my dark mood, lack of social grace, standard courtesy from my guests, or a combination of the above, but few guests linger to chat for long. Then again, it could also be thanks to the pungent cloud of pervasive smoke emanating from Guan Suos fancy pipe, puffing away nearby like hes half-chimney rather than half-red panda. Personally, I kinda like the smell, a harsh, herbal scent which soothes the mind, but its exacerbating my dry throat and making me cough and wheeze. Plus, Im worried about young Blackjack sitting atop Ping-Pings shell, nose twitching a mile a minute and inhaling all those nasty fumes. My tiniest of bunbuns appears entranced by the black, billowing mass of smoke, watching the cloud with a primal hunger and ambition as if dreaming of soaring through said cloud to take its rightful place as king (or queen) of the skies.
Or maybe Blackjack likes the smell too. Who knows. Either way, it cant be healthy.
Isnt Centrals Marshal here? And I greeted more than one Major General at the metaphorical door.
Yo Jeong-Hun is here as a show of solidarity between North and Central and will likely depart the moment decorum allows it. As for the Major Generals and other high ranking officers... This time the shrug is more pronounced, with an eye roll for added effect. I would not trust them to defend their plates from Jimu much less a city from the Defiled. Believe me, in keeping those fools distracted, we are rendering a great service for the Empire.
Wow, emoting and cracking jokes. Dad really seems happy, which makes me feel pretty shitty about Rain-ing on his parade. Oof. I needed that. A pun-ishment to take my mind off my constant whining. Okay no more, I dont think I could survive another. Faking yet another smile, I swallow the rest of my complaints and turn to face the crowd, wondering if I should try and convince Dad, Nian Zu, and Yuzhen to pull everyone out of Central and go back home. We dont need the Emperors armies to hold the North, and even if we did, its not like theyre here to help defend Central either. The Defiled are coming and Id rather not have to watch innocent civilians die in droves because the Empire failed to protect them.
No, I did more than watch.
A memory I tried my best to forget springs to mind, and theres nothing I can do to stop it. The smell of wood smoke permeates the air as I gaze upon a young girl no older than Tali, a native of the lands surrounding Sanshu. Cradled in her mamas arms, the sweet childs eyes are red and swollen as she shivers with fright, terrified by the distant flames and nearby strangers. The mother shifts uneasily and soothes her daughter but anger smoulders beneath the surface as Spectres whisper in her ears. I can see them, sense them, hear them coaxing and cajoling her, advising she surrender and accept their strength. Its the only way, they whisper, a thousand voices speaking as one, and the mother considers it, but shes too afraid. Shes alone and outnumbered, lacking weapons and martial training, so how is she supposed to fight us off? She thinks she knows what we want and tells herself shes been through worse. I see it in her eyes and the set of her jaw, grim resignation and willingness to endure as she prays we leave her daughter alone and let them go free once were done.
But thats not why Im here. No, Im going to do far worse.
I convince myself this isnt me, that Baledaghs the one making the decisions here. I cant blame him either, theres no other choice. The woman and child are Defiled, or so I thought. I didnt know they were just Tainted and still able to resist temptation. I didnt know I could Devour their Spectres and would soon find Blobby again and cleanse myself. Maybe if I were smarter or stronger, I wouldnt have rejected Blobby in the first place and could have spared those people, but at the time, I had no other options. I couldnt let them go free and I couldnt bring them with me, so I did what had to be done.
No, not even. I gave the order to do what I couldnt bring myself to do. My fingers flash and two Sentinels move to obey. I can see the hesitation in their eyes and gait, wondering if theyre doing the right thing. Theyve killed before, but never like this, executing defenceless villagers without trial or cause. I say these people are Defiled, but wheres the proof? All they see is a scared woman and a terrified child, but despite their reservations, they obey their orders. They march the woman and child out of sight, and after a moment, return without them, their eyes lowered and shoulders slumped, broken and burdened by what they were ordered to do.
Those men are dead now, fallen in the battle to retake Sanshu. I envy them, because at least they now know peace, freed from the sins I forced upon them.
I chose weakness and stupidity over facing the harsh truth, clinging to fantasy and pretending I was someone else while ordering the deaths of dozens of innocent people, all because I was worried about what crimes they might commit. Sure I could blame the Spectres or claim mental instability, but neither argument makes me feel any better about myself. I let my fear control me and nothing will ever bring back those poor people. Beggaring myself to provide charity is just me trying to drown my guilt with goodwill, but I dont think this shame will ever wash away. When it comes right down to it, Martial might isnt enough. I need to get my head screwed on right, and to do that, I need to... I need to find out how to do that and do it. Yes. Good goal. Much progress.
What a fun trip down memory lane. I suck, today sucks, life sucks, and positive mental attitude sucks.
Honestly, could this day get any worse?
...
Ah fuck me. That was not a challenge. You hear me universe? Please leave me alone.
Oh, but first, please guide that idiot servant back here with my honeyed tea. My throat is killing me. K thanks, bye.
Chapter Meme
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Chapter 345
After ninety minutes of smiles and salutes, the stream of arriving guests finally slows to a trickle, giving me time to ease my tortured cheeks and soothe my parched throat. Draining the teacup in a single gulp, I subconsciously nod in thanks at the bowing dark-haired servant while returning the teacup to his proffered tray. As he scurries off to refill the teacup, I question if Ill ever get used to high society living. Its stupid, but thanking servants and treating them like people is frowned upon and utterly unbecoming of the number one talent in the Empire. Honestly, Id rather live without servants at all. While having people wait on you hand and foot sounds nice in practice, Im too socially awkward to be comfortable having strangers lurking around all the time. Besides, knowing me, Ill eventually make friends and then feel terrible about asking them to tidy up or do my laundry or whatever.
Im not cut out for this shit, its way too stressful. Id rather go back to washing my own undies back in the mountains.
Or you know... somewhere else equally isolated and more welcoming.
Andddd in classic Rain fashion, I am now depressed. Resting my forehead against Ping-Pings beak, I give the big turtle a conciliatory pat and sigh, wondering if she even cares about these tiny gestures of affection. Its hard to gauge a turtles mood and doubly so when said turtle is so large you cant really see her whole face at once. With all four legs spread out in a sploot, Ping-Ping is the epitome of chill as she rests her head on the neatly trimmed grass and ignores everything going on around us. Her dark, beady eyes pop open to see what all the fuss is about, revealing a glimmer of gold and maybe even a glimpse into her mind as she wonders why the tiny human is bothering her during nap time.
When Mila hugs Ping-Ping, the big stupid turtle gives her a hefty nudge and cute squeak, but all I get is patronizing tolerance. Maybe shes mad because I havent given her any special water in a few days, or maybe the current environment is stressing her out and this is how she deals with it. Shes already snapped at more than one guest who strayed too close, though thankfully they were only warning snaps and not murderous ones. I wouldnt blame her if she ate one of these pompous, stuck up nobles either, Id like to bite one or two of the guests myself, and not in a sexual way. Well, maybe some of them, but this is my wedding banquet, so those kind of thoughts seem inappropriate.
I just want this day to end so I can get some sleep. Im so exhausted. I cant believe its been less than 24 hours since I discovered Baledagh wasnt real, but its true.
Putting aside all my depressing thoughts, I try to focus on the positives. Today, I was crowned the Number One Talent in the Empire and I got to catch up with old acquaintances. Fungs dad was proud as a peacock and greeted me with a warm hug, joking about how the Golden Swan Pavilion was still grieving over the loss of my patronage. My war buddies from Sanshu are doing well; Sovanna married Magistrate Chu Tongzu and they seem head over heels in love, with their first child on the way and hopefully more to come soon after. Chu XinYue condensed his Aura and was promoted to Major, while Chun Yimu is now Guard Captain of Sanshu, much more polite, and noticeably slimmer and stronger. Jin ZhiLan is still lovely as always and made a crack about how shed missed her chance with me while Sang Ryong was visibly uncomfortable in my presence. He thinks I dont like him, but honestly, I barely even remembered who he was. Still, it was fun watching him squirm.
Of all the people I know, only the Legate, Wu Gam, Mitsue Hideo, Huu, and Yan arent here. The first few dont really matter, but its really bumming me out that Huu didnt come. All three of his parents are here and so is the smelly old half-wolf, but no Huu. Hes clearly going out of his way to avoid me, probably because he found out about my brush with the dark side and doesnt want my germs to get all over him. I joke, but his reaction is... pragmatic. I cant blame him for not trusting me at my word when I say Im no longer Defiled. If our roles were reversed, I wouldnt trust a self-confessed Defiled either, not without a Heavenly Tear of my own to verify things.
Still, he couldve said something to my face instead of ghosting me like a bad first date...
Yan and her adopted Granddaddy are also no-shows and Im more than a little conflicted regarding her absence. On the one hand, this is a wedding banquet for my concubine and not exactly the best setting to reconnect with an old... slightly more than friend? Whatever, itd be weird to toast my latest bride then go catch up with Yan, no matter how much I miss her. And I do miss her. I miss her wry humour and throaty laugh, her teasing taunts and knowing smirks. I miss sparring and chatting with her, but most importantly, I miss sitting around in relaxed silence with her. Its rare to be able to spend hours beside someone without saying a word, so comfortable you dont feel the need to fill the thundering silence.Read latest chapters at nov(e)lbin.com Only
Its a strange thing to cherish, but in my eyes, talk is cheap and silence is golden.
Honestly, despite being crowned number one rookie, todays been a really shitty day. None of the guests have even mentioned my book of inventions. I worked hard on that book, poured my heart and soul into writing the mission statement and making sure the instructions were as clear and concise as possible, but all these people want to talk about are women, weapons, martial arts, and runic shields. Theyre a basic bunch of fat-cat socialites, short-sighted fools who cant see beyond the tip of their noses and understand how game-changing my book really is.
So disappointing. I shouldve listened to Akanai and gifted the Legate some trash art or something. What a waste of effort and runic shields.
I dont know if its my dark mood, lack of social grace, standard courtesy from my guests, or a combination of the above, but few guests linger to chat for long. Then again, it could also be thanks to the pungent cloud of pervasive smoke emanating from Guan Suos fancy pipe, puffing away nearby like hes half-chimney rather than half-red panda. Personally, I kinda like the smell, a harsh, herbal scent which soothes the mind, but its exacerbating my dry throat and making me cough and wheeze. Plus, Im worried about young Blackjack sitting atop Ping-Pings shell, nose twitching a mile a minute and inhaling all those nasty fumes. My tiniest of bunbuns appears entranced by the black, billowing mass of smoke, watching the cloud with a primal hunger and ambition as if dreaming of soaring through said cloud to take its rightful place as king (or queen) of the skies.
Or maybe Blackjack likes the smell too. Who knows. Either way, it cant be healthy.
Isnt Centrals Marshal here? And I greeted more than one Major General at the metaphorical door.
Yo Jeong-Hun is here as a show of solidarity between North and Central and will likely depart the moment decorum allows it. As for the Major Generals and other high ranking officers... This time the shrug is more pronounced, with an eye roll for added effect. I would not trust them to defend their plates from Jimu much less a city from the Defiled. Believe me, in keeping those fools distracted, we are rendering a great service for the Empire.
Wow, emoting and cracking jokes. Dad really seems happy, which makes me feel pretty shitty about Rain-ing on his parade. Oof. I needed that. A pun-ishment to take my mind off my constant whining. Okay no more, I dont think I could survive another. Faking yet another smile, I swallow the rest of my complaints and turn to face the crowd, wondering if I should try and convince Dad, Nian Zu, and Yuzhen to pull everyone out of Central and go back home. We dont need the Emperors armies to hold the North, and even if we did, its not like theyre here to help defend Central either. The Defiled are coming and Id rather not have to watch innocent civilians die in droves because the Empire failed to protect them.
No, I did more than watch.
A memory I tried my best to forget springs to mind, and theres nothing I can do to stop it. The smell of wood smoke permeates the air as I gaze upon a young girl no older than Tali, a native of the lands surrounding Sanshu. Cradled in her mamas arms, the sweet childs eyes are red and swollen as she shivers with fright, terrified by the distant flames and nearby strangers. The mother shifts uneasily and soothes her daughter but anger smoulders beneath the surface as Spectres whisper in her ears. I can see them, sense them, hear them coaxing and cajoling her, advising she surrender and accept their strength. Its the only way, they whisper, a thousand voices speaking as one, and the mother considers it, but shes too afraid. Shes alone and outnumbered, lacking weapons and martial training, so how is she supposed to fight us off? She thinks she knows what we want and tells herself shes been through worse. I see it in her eyes and the set of her jaw, grim resignation and willingness to endure as she prays we leave her daughter alone and let them go free once were done.
But thats not why Im here. No, Im going to do far worse.
I convince myself this isnt me, that Baledaghs the one making the decisions here. I cant blame him either, theres no other choice. The woman and child are Defiled, or so I thought. I didnt know they were just Tainted and still able to resist temptation. I didnt know I could Devour their Spectres and would soon find Blobby again and cleanse myself. Maybe if I were smarter or stronger, I wouldnt have rejected Blobby in the first place and could have spared those people, but at the time, I had no other options. I couldnt let them go free and I couldnt bring them with me, so I did what had to be done.
No, not even. I gave the order to do what I couldnt bring myself to do. My fingers flash and two Sentinels move to obey. I can see the hesitation in their eyes and gait, wondering if theyre doing the right thing. Theyve killed before, but never like this, executing defenceless villagers without trial or cause. I say these people are Defiled, but wheres the proof? All they see is a scared woman and a terrified child, but despite their reservations, they obey their orders. They march the woman and child out of sight, and after a moment, return without them, their eyes lowered and shoulders slumped, broken and burdened by what they were ordered to do.
Those men are dead now, fallen in the battle to retake Sanshu. I envy them, because at least they now know peace, freed from the sins I forced upon them.
I chose weakness and stupidity over facing the harsh truth, clinging to fantasy and pretending I was someone else while ordering the deaths of dozens of innocent people, all because I was worried about what crimes they might commit. Sure I could blame the Spectres or claim mental instability, but neither argument makes me feel any better about myself. I let my fear control me and nothing will ever bring back those poor people. Beggaring myself to provide charity is just me trying to drown my guilt with goodwill, but I dont think this shame will ever wash away. When it comes right down to it, Martial might isnt enough. I need to get my head screwed on right, and to do that, I need to... I need to find out how to do that and do it. Yes. Good goal. Much progress.
What a fun trip down memory lane. I suck, today sucks, life sucks, and positive mental attitude sucks.
Honestly, could this day get any worse?
...
Ah fuck me. That was not a challenge. You hear me universe? Please leave me alone.
Oh, but first, please guide that idiot servant back here with my honeyed tea. My throat is killing me. K thanks, bye.
Chapter Meme
Chapter 345After ninety minutes of smiles and salutes, the stream of arriving guests finally slows to a trickle, giving me time to ease my tortured cheeks and soothe my parched throat. Draining the teacup in a single gulp, I subconsciously nod in thanks at the bowing dark-haired servant while returning the teacup to his proffered tray. As he scurries off to refill the teacup, I question if Ill ever get used to high society living. Its stupid, but thanking servants and treating them like people is frowned upon and utterly unbecoming of the number one talent in the Empire. Honestly, Id rather live without servants at all. While having people wait on you hand and foot sounds nice in practice, Im too socially awkward to be comfortable having strangers lurking around all the time. Besides, knowing me, Ill eventually make friends and then feel terrible about asking them to tidy up or do my laundry or whatever.Im not cut out for this shit, its way too stressful. Id rather go back to washing my own undies back in the mountains.Or you know... somewhere else equally isolated and more welcoming.Andddd in classic Rain fashion, I am now depressed. Resting my forehead against Ping-Pings beak, I give the big turtle a conciliatory pat and sigh, wondering if she even cares about these tiny gestures of affection. Its hard to gauge a turtles mood and doubly so when said turtle is so large you cant really see her whole face at once. With all four legs spread out in a sploot, Ping-Ping is the epitome of chill as she rests her head on the neatly trimmed grass and ignores everything going on around us. Her dark, beady eyes pop open to see what all the fuss is about, revealing a glimmer of gold and maybe even a glimpse into her mind as she wonders why the tiny human is bothering her during nap time.When Mila hugs Ping-Ping, the big stupid turtle gives her a hefty nudge and cute squeak, but all I get is patronizing tolerance. Maybe shes mad because I havent given her any special water in a few days, or maybe the current environment is stressing her out and this is how she deals with it. Shes already snapped at more than one guest who strayed too close, though thankfully they were only warning snaps and not murderous ones. I wouldnt blame her if she ate one of these pompous, stuck up nobles either, Id like to bite one or two of the guests myself, and not in a sexual way. Well, maybe some of them, but this is my wedding banquet, so those kind of thoughts seem inappropriate.I just want this day to end so I can get some sleep. Im so exhausted. I cant believe its been less than 24 hours since I discovered Baledagh wasnt real, but its true.Putting aside all my depressing thoughts, I try to focus on the positives. Today, I was crowned the Number One Talent in the Empire and I got to catch up with old acquaintances. Fungs dad was proud as a peacock and greeted me with a warm hug, joking about how the Golden Swan Pavilion was still grieving over the loss of my patronage. My war buddies from Sanshu are doing well; Sovanna married Magistrate Chu Tongzu and they seem head over heels in love, with their first child on the way and hopefully more to come soon after. Chu XinYue condensed his Aura and was promoted to Major, while Chun Yimu is now Guard Captain of Sanshu, much more polite, and noticeably slimmer and stronger. Jin ZhiLan is still lovely as always and made a crack about how shed missed her chance with me while Sang Ryong was visibly uncomfortable in my presence. He thinks I dont like him, but honestly, I barely even remembered who he was. Still, it was fun watching him squirm.Of all the people I know, only the Legate, Wu Gam, Mitsue Hideo, Huu, and Yan arent here. The first few dont really matter, but its really bumming me out that Huu didnt come. All three of his parents are here and so is the smelly old half-wolf, but no Huu. Hes clearly going out of his way to avoid me, probably because he found out about my brush with the dark side and doesnt want my germs to get all over him. I joke, but his reaction is... pragmatic. I cant blame him for not trusting me at my word when I say Im no longer Defiled. If our roles were reversed, I wouldnt trust a self-confessed Defiled either, not without a Heavenly Tear of my own to verify things.Still, he couldve said something to my face instead of ghosting me like a bad first date...Yan and her adopted Granddaddy are also no-shows and Im more than a little conflicted regarding her absence. On the one hand, this is a wedding banquet for my concubine and not exactly the best setting to reconnect with an old... slightly more than friend? Whatever, itd be weird to toast my latest bride then go catch up with Yan, no matter how much I miss her. And I do miss her. I miss her wry humour and throaty laugh, her teasing taunts and knowing smirks. I miss sparring and chatting with her, but most importantly, I miss sitting around in relaxed silence with her. Its rare to be able to spend hours beside someone without saying a word, so comfortable you dont feel the need to fill the thundering silence.Read latest chapters at novelbin.com OnlyIts a strange thing to cherish, but in my eyes, talk is cheap and silence is golden.Honestly, despite being crowned number one rookie, todays been a really shitty day. None of the guests have even mentioned my book of inventions. I worked hard on that book, poured my heart and soul into writing the mission statement and making sure the instructions were as clear and concise as possible, but all these people want to talk about are women, weapons, martial arts, and runic shields. Theyre a basic bunch of fat-cat socialites, short-sighted fools who cant see beyond the tip of their noses and understand how game-changing my book really is.So disappointing. I shouldve listened to Akanai and gifted the Legate some trash art or something. What a waste of effort and runic shields.I dont know if its my dark mood, lack of social grace, standard courtesy from my guests, or a combination of the above, but few guests linger to chat for long. Then again, it could also be thanks to the pungent cloud of pervasive smoke emanating from Guan Suos fancy pipe, puffing away nearby like hes half-chimney rather than half-red panda. Personally, I kinda like the smell, a harsh, herbal scent which soothes the mind, but its exacerbating my dry throat and making me cough and wheeze. Plus, Im worried about young Blackjack sitting atop Ping-Pings shell, nose twitching a mile a minute and inhaling all those nasty fumes. My tiniest of bunbuns appears entranced by the black, billowing mass of smoke, watching the cloud with a primal hunger and ambition as if dreaming of soaring through said cloud to take its rightful place as king or queen of the skies.Or maybe Blackjack likes the smell too. Who knows. Either way, it cant be healthy.Isnt Centrals Marshal here? And I greeted more than one Major General at the metaphorical door.Yo Jeong-Hun is here as a show of solidarity between North and Central and will likely depart the moment decorum allows it. As for the Major Generals and other high ranking officers... This time the shrug is more pronounced, with an eye roll for added effect. I would not trust them to defend their plates from Jimu much less a city from the Defiled. Believe me, in keeping those fools distracted, we are rendering a great service for the Empire.Wow, emoting and cracking jokes. Dad really seems happy, which makes me feel pretty shitty about Rain-ing on his parade. Oof. I needed that. A pun-ishment to take my mind off my constant whining. Okay no more, I dont think I could survive another. Faking yet another smile, I swallow the rest of my complaints and turn to face the crowd, wondering if I should try and convince Dad, Nian Zu, and Yuzhen to pull everyone out of Central and go back home. We dont need the Emperors armies to hold the North, and even if we did, its not like theyre here to help defend Central either. The Defiled are coming and Id rather not have to watch innocent civilians die in droves because the Empire failed to protect them.No, I did more than watch.A memory I tried my best to forget springs to mind, and theres nothing I can do to stop it. The smell of wood smoke permeates the air as I gaze upon a young girl no older than Tali, a native of the lands surrounding Sanshu. Cradled in her mamas arms, the sweet childs eyes are red and swollen as she shivers with fright, terrified by the distant flames and nearby strangers. The mother shifts uneasily and soothes her daughter but anger smoulders beneath the surface as Spectres whisper in her ears. I can see them, sense them, hear them coaxing and cajoling her, advising she surrender and accept their strength. Its the only way, they whisper, a thousand voices speaking as one, and the mother considers it, but shes too afraid. Shes alone and outnumbered, lacking weapons and martial training, so how is she supposed to fight us off? She thinks she knows what we want and tells herself shes been through worse. I see it in her eyes and the set of her jaw, grim resignation and willingness to endure as she prays we leave her daughter alone and let them go free once were done.But thats not why Im here. No, Im going to do far worse.I convince myself this isnt me, that Baledaghs the one making the decisions here. I cant blame him either, theres no other choice. The woman and child are Defiled, or so I thought. I didnt know they were just Tainted and still able to resist temptation. I didnt know I could Devour their Spectres and would soon find Blobby again and cleanse myself. Maybe if I were smarter or stronger, I wouldnt have rejected Blobby in the first place and could have spared those people, but at the time, I had no other options. I couldnt let them go free and I couldnt bring them with me, so I did what had to be done.No, not even. I gave the order to do what I couldnt bring myself to do. My fingers flash and two Sentinels move to obey. I can see the hesitation in their eyes and gait, wondering if theyre doing the right thing. Theyve killed before, but never like this, executing defenceless villagers without trial or cause. I say these people are Defiled, but wheres the proof? All they see is a scared woman and a terrified child, but despite their reservations, they obey their orders. They march the woman and child out of sight, and after a moment, return without them, their eyes lowered and shoulders slumped, broken and burdened by what they were ordered to do.Those men are dead now, fallen in the battle to retake Sanshu. I envy them, because at least they now know peace, freed from the sins I forced upon them.I chose weakness and stupidity over facing the harsh truth, clinging to fantasy and pretending I was someone else while ordering the deaths of dozens of innocent people, all because I was worried about what crimes they might commit. Sure I could blame the Spectres or claim mental instability, but neither argument makes me feel any better about myself. I let my fear control me and nothing will ever bring back those poor people. Beggaring myself to provide charity is just me trying to drown my guilt with goodwill, but I dont think this shame will ever wash away. When it comes right down to it, Martial might isnt enough. I need to get my head screwed on right, and to do that, I need to... I need to find out how to do that and do it. Yes. Good goal. Much progress.What a fun trip down memory lane. I suck, today sucks, life sucks, and positive mental attitude sucks.Honestly, could this day get any worse?...Ah fuck me. That was not a challenge. You hear me universe? Please leave me alone.Oh, but first, please guide that idiot servant back here with my honeyed tea. My throat is killing me. K thanks, bye.Chapter Meme
