At some point during my panic attack, it seemed as if I passed out, as the next thing I remembered was waking up in my bed, in Ben’s arms. Not that I was very good at thinking at that moment. My head felt dull and sluggish, as if under water.
Trying to drive the cobwebs from my brain, I tried to sit up, only for Ben to softly, but determined pull me back.
“Sht… relax, Kitten. Everything is alright. Nothing is wrong, or broken. Just relax, and get better.”
He spoke softly, and soothingly into my ear. In my addled state, it took me a moment to understand what he was talking about.
Then it came back. The giant person in my kitchen. The panic, the feeling of despair and helplessness.
I felt the fear raising its ugly head again, but strangely muted. Distant. I… could not understand it, at that moment.
Come on, I already told you that I was not at full mental power right then.
Luckily, Ben continued, still soft and soothing.
“You had a panic attack and were completely unresponsive. Dr. Wakefield had to give a sedative to calm you down.”
A… sedative. Something in my memory stirred, but it was still muted, indistinct. I tried to capture that fleeting thought and taxed my mind about it, and finally, it clicked.
For Pures, the only working sedative was Epzitecan. No wonder that my mind simply did not work right. And, unfortunately, it would take a few hours to get back up to speed.
I managed a slightly slurred:
“Why?” while looking at Ben’s face. Only to see anger burning in his eyes.
“People fucked up. By the numbers.”
I was confused. How did people fracking up led to me needing Epzitecan?
And Ben explained his anger.
“I told Mark that he had to call me before he left the research building. He fucked up and forgot. I told Ryan and Justin to keep you away from Mark until I was there and to call me immediately when the idiot showed up. They fucked up by not keeping you out. They called me though.
I informed Thomson that seeing Mark in his combat body would be detrimental to your well-being. Still, Troopers Cartwright and Sullivan fucked up and did not inform your detail that Mark was in the kitchen. From what I heard, they are right now cleaning every single toilet in the building with toothbrushes, at least.”
He made a pause for a few seconds and then continued.
“And I fucked up by trusting that at least one of those 26 people would do their fucking job and protect you.”
Something was… not right. There was another…
“Warden?”
Ben shook his head with minimal movements.
“I have no clue why she did not stop you. I know she had to know Mark was there. She knows for sure about your phobia. And she could easily have diverted you, or just make Mark leave the kitchen.”
Suddenly, a ghostly apparition of Warden appeared at the foot of the bed.
“She has to overcome this phobia. The Enki-security force is right now in the process of converting to combat cyborgs. In a couple of weeks, she will encounter such big people continuously. Here and now, the impact of a panic attack is low.
With the help of Mark, she can overcome the worst of the phobia.”
And Ben exploded.
“Damn it, Warden, I thought you needed to protect Vivian. Why did you do this to her? Why did you not warn me? Or Thomson? Or fucking anybody?”
“You, Thomson, and Ingridsdottir would have coddled Vivian. Protected her instinctively, prevented her from the impact. Warning her would have her avoid the confrontation.”
After a moment of silence, Warden continued:
“The panic attack was worse than predicted. Confirming the need to overcome or at least blunt the phobia.”
I… honestly did not quite get what the two of them were arguing about, right at that moment. Instead, I looked from one to the other, trying hard to make sense of what they were saying.
Ben… was not satisfied.
“You took it onto yourself to decide she has to fight this fear? Do you have any idea how much you could have harmed her in this?”
“Any harm is temporary, compared to the long-term harm not facing the phobia would cause. Right now, only Mark has one of those combat chassis. Mark is a known variable, and Vivian can get used to him relatively quickly.
There are 1288 men and women of the security force already on the waiting list for the conversion. Of those, 703 have chosen the extreme conversion that Mark has had done.
Those 703 will become the elite guards of Enki, guarding the executive floor of the HQ, along with the board room.
In three weeks, she would have encountered around six of them. With devastating results.”
“Do you even care a single bit about the damage you have caused her?”
“This damage will prevent worse damage in the future.”
Ben growled, and I could see that he was desperately fighting to calm down. Finally, he spoke way calmer than before:
“I assume you are also responsible for all the others fucking this up?”
“Partially. Justin and Ryan informed me, trusting that I would keep Vivian away from the kitchen. I also ensured that Cartwright and Sullivan were the garage guards. I did not influence their actions otherwise in any way. They are the weakest of the guard detail from Vandermeer. Sloppy and easily distracted.
This failure, and the resulting punishment, provide an opportunity for them to get better. Or lead to their dismissal. Either way, the overall security for Vivian will increase.
Mark was his usual self. The only thing I did was not remind him to call you. Had he set up a simple reminder, he most likely would have.”
“Still, this should have been Vivian’s decision. Not yours.”
“Negative. Neither Vivian, nor you, Lt. Thomson, or Sgt. Ingridsdottir have the necessary emotional separation to make this decision. Anybody who does have the separation can not be trusted with the information of a weakness of Vivian. It had to be me.”
At that very moment, it totally made sense to me. Even in hindsight, without the drug-addled brain, there was a certain kind of logic to it. I still do not like it, but Warden was not wrong. I would never even come close to Mark if I had known he was in his big body.
And of course, I would have been so much worse when I encountered essentially strangers that big. And several of them at once.
At that time though I… lacked the mental capacity to understand one way or another. Ben on the other hand growled again, in frustration.
“You could have at least warned the rest of us so that we were at the ready.”
“Negative. You, Lt. Thomson, and Sgt. Ingridsdottir could not be trusted to have Vivian experience the encounter on her own. You take protecting her too seriously without being emotionally distant enough to do what has to be done, even if it is painful for Vivian.”
“You have an answer for everything, huh?”
“No, I do not. My primary objective is to ensure that Vivian DuClare is protected at all costs. At all costs includes also the pain and suffering of Vivian DuClare, if it leads to improved security for her afterwards.
There was an opportunity to remove a serious weakness of Vivian DuClare, one that has the potential to cause serious harm to her in the future. The alleviation or even removal of that weakness will cause pain, and some harm, in the short term, but prevent significantly more pain and harm in the future.
The only logical option open to me is to force her to confront her fear. Now we should stop. Vivian needs sustenance and then rest.”
That was nice of her, to want me to eat something. I was a bit peckish right then. And yes, I felt as if I could use a nap.
As if by magic, a bot came into my bedroom with a sandwich and some liquid for me. Ben on the other hand growled again, for some reason. I could not understand why he was so angry, but he kept staring at the place where Warden stood and had vanished. Strange, that she could simply vanish like that.
Nevertheless, I quickly ate the sandwich, and the liquid turned out to be apple juice, nice. After I had devoured the food, I gave the plate back to the bot, turned to Ben, and spoke:
“I think I will take a nap now, kay?”
Ben’s look turned to me and immediately softened, and he sighed.
“Yes, that is okay, Kitten. Sleep well.”
“KK.”
A couple of minutes later, I was out. The next time I opened my eyes, my mood had changed. Dramatically.
Not that I gave in to my emotional turmoil, and instead worked hard to keep my expression and bearing neutral.
After some look at the clock, I realized that I had slept the rest of Saturday, and virtually all the night. It was 4:30 in the morning.
And Ben was snoring softly on the other side of the bed.
I decided to meditate until he woke up. I was not in the mood to leave my suite right then and there.
When Ben stirred around 6 am, I was still sitting in the full lotus, trying to focus my mind.
I can only assume that he took a moment to look at me for a moment, as there was a delay between him pushing aside his blanket, and him speaking:
“Are you feeling better?”
Without opening my eyes, I answered him:
“In some aspects, yes. I am no longer drugged out of my mind. In other aspects… not so much.”
Another pause later, he commented:
“You are taking this surprisingly calm.”
“No, I don’t. I am furious about it. I feel betrayed. But the worst part of it is that Warden is right. This phobia is a weakness I can’t afford.”
“I can’t believe that. Nothing is worth this level of pain and suffering.”
I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. Looking at him.
“You are wrong. Understandable, as you have no concept of how… strong Mark is. I have seen the specs, and I have seen the results of the tests he has gone through.”
I stretched and slowly stood up, feeling his gaze on my body. I had not bothered putting on any clothes, so not surprising that he was looking.
“As he is now, in his combat body, Mark could wipe the floor with your whole organization. He is so fast that you need a synaptic accelerator to even realize his movement; He is strong enough that I would bet on him against a stomper; He has several integrated weapons, melee as well as ranged. Additionally, he has the smart gun system that makes his firearms insanely deadly.
And he is virtually bulletproof. It takes a heavy crew-served weapon to seriously threaten him. Or thousands over thousands of rounds of what most people would describe as large-caliber rifle bullets.
Thanks to the synaptic accelerator and the reflex booster he literally can run rings around your people.”
I slowly walked to the bed and sat down beside him.
“If we compare him to cyber zombies, I would bet on him taking out a whole squad of them. And as much as I like the goof, and strangely yes, I do like him, he is neither the smartest nor the most creative fighter there is.”
I made a pause.
“And he is just the first of many. I… can’t let my phobia deprive me, and Enki, of the protection combat cyborgs like Mark will provide.”
Ben sighed.
“But it didn’t have to be that… brutal.”
I shook my head, smiling sadly.
“She was right here too. I know myself too well to not understand that I would have found any excuse not to meet with Mark. The fear of the fear would have become as bad as the fear itself.
It would have crippled me. As hard as it was… Warden was right. I can no longer deny that I need to overcome this problem. I… want to. I want to hide from it. But I can’t allow it.”
He looked at me softly, and with a sad expression.
“I can’t protect you from it, can I?”
“No, I fear you can’t. But you can help me.”
He scrunched his nose.
“How?”
“Be at my side when I confront my fear, give me the strength to go through with it, without running away.”
“I can do that. Duncan can take care of the family for a week or two.”
I snorted.
“I doubt you have to be at my side 24/7 for a week. We are talking about Mark here. Warden was right in that aspect as well.
I hope at least. I think if I can get through the first panic attack, the familiarity will help. He is a friend after all.”
“Ok. Then I would say after breakfast we try it.”
I forced a smile.
“I don’t want to. But… “
He nodded.
“But.”
We showered together and then went to breakfast.
All the other inhabitants of the fortress came to me and voiced their concerns, and I was relieved when I saw that Mark was in his everyday body. The normal human-sized one.
I spent most of the breakfast explaining that I was reasonably well.
And after we cleared the tables, I asked Mark if he could help me.
He was… surprised and concerned about it, but after some explaining he agreed. Eventually.
It was way harder to convince Lt. Thomson, Sgt. Reynolds, and Svenja that it was necessary.
Ben finally managed to get through to them.
“Listen, Thomson, Vivian has had some severe trauma caused by overly large men. This trauma will trigger every single time she sees a similar-sized or even bigger man. Unless she confronts it.”
“But sir, she does not need to confront it.”
“Aidan, please think about it. I am sure Mark bragged about what he can now do in his combat body.”
When Thomson nodded, Ben continued:
“Can you, in all honesty, tell me that this would not be an advantage for your guard detail? That it would not help you protect Vivian?”
Thomson frowned, but clearly against his will, he nodded.
“It would be an advantage. But we can…”
Ben interrupted him.
“I am sure you can work around it. And provide inferior protection. Let’s be honest here among ourselves. You would be derelict in your duty if you did not try to get your men augmented in this fashion.
But if you do, you have to have the ability to be around Vivian. It won’t work if she panics every single time she sees her bodyguards.”
Reynolds, as usual, did not show much emotion, but simply asked:
“What can we do, sir?”
“Just be around her, when she encounters Mark. Help to make her feel safe.”
It took all my willpower not to run screaming from the room, but I nonetheless commented:
“It has to be Mark. Anybody else… I don’t think I could overcome the fear.”
From behind me, I heard Warden’s voice:
“Then it is of advantage that I convinced Dr. Berg to take on Mark as the first subject.”
At some point during my panic attack, it seemed as if I passed out, as the next thing I remembered was waking up in my bed, in Ben’s arms. Not that I was very good at thinking at that moment. My head felt dull and sluggish, as if under water.
Trying to drive the cobwebs from my brain, I tried to sit up, only for Ben to softly, but determined pull me back.
“Sht… relax, Kitten. Everything is alright. Nothing is wrong, or broken. Just relax, and get better.”
He spoke softly, and soothingly into my ear. In my addled state, it took me a moment to understand what he was talking about.
Then it came back. The giant person in my kitchen. The panic, the feeling of despair and helplessness.
I felt the fear raising its ugly head again, but strangely muted. Distant. I… could not understand it, at that moment.
Come on, I already told you that I was not at full mental power right then.
Luckily, Ben continued, still soft and soothing.
“You had a panic attack and were completely unresponsive. Dr. Wakefield had to give a sedative to calm you down.”
A… sedative. Something in my memory stirred, but it was still muted, indistinct. I tried to capture that fleeting thought and taxed my mind about it, and finally, it clicked.
For Pures, the only working sedative was Epzitecan. No wonder that my mind simply did not work right. And, unfortunately, it would take a few hours to get back up to speed.
I managed a slightly slurred:
“Why?” while looking at Ben’s face. Only to see anger burning in his eyes.
“People fucked up. By the numbers.”
I was confused. How did people fracking up led to me needing Epzitecan?
And Ben explained his anger.
“I told Mark that he had to call me before he left the research building. He fucked up and forgot. I told Ryan and Justin to keep you away from Mark until I was there and to call me immediately when the idiot showed up. They fucked up by not keeping you out. They called me though.
I informed Thomson that seeing Mark in his combat body would be detrimental to your well-being. Still, Troopers Cartwright and Sullivan fucked up and did not inform your detail that Mark was in the kitchen. From what I heard, they are right now cleaning every single toilet in the building with toothbrushes, at least.”
He made a pause for a few seconds and then continued.
“And I fucked up by trusting that at least one of those 26 people would do their fucking job and protect you.”
Something was… not right. There was another…
“Warden?”
Ben shook his head with minimal movements.
“I have no clue why she did not stop you. I know she had to know Mark was there. She knows for sure about your phobia. And she could easily have diverted you, or just make Mark leave the kitchen.”
Suddenly, a ghostly apparition of Warden appeared at the foot of the bed.
“She has to overcome this phobia. The Enki-security force is right now in the process of converting to combat cyborgs. In a couple of weeks, she will encounter such big people continuously. Here and now, the impact of a panic attack is low.
With the help of Mark, she can overcome the worst of the phobia.”
And Ben exploded.
“Damn it, Warden, I thought you needed to protect Vivian. Why did you do this to her? Why did you not warn me? Or Thomson? Or fucking anybody?”
“You, Thomson, and Ingridsdottir would have coddled Vivian. Protected her instinctively, prevented her from the impact. Warning her would have her avoid the confrontation.”
After a moment of silence, Warden continued:
“The panic attack was worse than predicted. Confirming the need to overcome or at least blunt the phobia.”
I… honestly did not quite get what the two of them were arguing about, right at that moment. Instead, I looked from one to the other, trying hard to make sense of what they were saying.
Ben… was not satisfied.
“You took it onto yourself to decide she has to fight this fear? Do you have any idea how much you could have harmed her in this?”
“Any harm is temporary, compared to the long-term harm not facing the phobia would cause. Right now, only Mark has one of those combat chassis. Mark is a known variable, and Vivian can get used to him relatively quickly.
There are 1288 men and women of the security force already on the waiting list for the conversion. Of those, 703 have chosen the extreme conversion that Mark has had done.
Those 703 will become the elite guards of Enki, guarding the executive floor of the HQ, along with the board room.
In three weeks, she would have encountered around six of them. With devastating results.”
“Do you even care a single bit about the damage you have caused her?”
“This damage will prevent worse damage in the future.”
Ben growled, and I could see that he was desperately fighting to calm down. Finally, he spoke way calmer than before:
“I assume you are also responsible for all the others fucking this up?”
“Partially. Justin and Ryan informed me, trusting that I would keep Vivian away from the kitchen. I also ensured that Cartwright and Sullivan were the garage guards. I did not influence their actions otherwise in any way. They are the weakest of the guard detail from Vandermeer. Sloppy and easily distracted.
This failure, and the resulting punishment, provide an opportunity for them to get better. Or lead to their dismissal. Either way, the overall security for Vivian will increase.
Mark was his usual self. The only thing I did was not remind him to call you. Had he set up a simple reminder, he most likely would have.”
“Still, this should have been Vivian’s decision. Not yours.”
“Negative. Neither Vivian, nor you, Lt. Thomson, or Sgt. Ingridsdottir have the necessary emotional separation to make this decision. Anybody who does have the separation can not be trusted with the information of a weakness of Vivian. It had to be me.”
At that very moment, it totally made sense to me. Even in hindsight, without the drug-addled brain, there was a certain kind of logic to it. I still do not like it, but Warden was not wrong. I would never even come close to Mark if I had known he was in his big body.
And of course, I would have been so much worse when I encountered essentially strangers that big. And several of them at once.
At that time though I… lacked the mental capacity to understand one way or another. Ben on the other hand growled again, in frustration.
“You could have at least warned the rest of us so that we were at the ready.”
“Negative. You, Lt. Thomson, and Sgt. Ingridsdottir could not be trusted to have Vivian experience the encounter on her own. You take protecting her too seriously without being emotionally distant enough to do what has to be done, even if it is painful for Vivian.”
“You have an answer for everything, huh?”
“No, I do not. My primary objective is to ensure that Vivian DuClare is protected at all costs. At all costs includes also the pain and suffering of Vivian DuClare, if it leads to improved security for her afterwards.
There was an opportunity to remove a serious weakness of Vivian DuClare, one that has the potential to cause serious harm to her in the future. The alleviation or even removal of that weakness will cause pain, and some harm, in the short term, but prevent significantly more pain and harm in the future.
The only logical option open to me is to force her to confront her fear. Now we should stop. Vivian needs sustenance and then rest.”
That was nice of her, to want me to eat something. I was a bit peckish right then. And yes, I felt as if I could use a nap.
As if by magic, a bot came into my bedroom with a sandwich and some liquid for me. Ben on the other hand growled again, for some reason. I could not understand why he was so angry, but he kept staring at the place where Warden stood and had vanished. Strange, that she could simply vanish like that.
Nevertheless, I quickly ate the sandwich, and the liquid turned out to be apple juice, nice. After I had devoured the food, I gave the plate back to the bot, turned to Ben, and spoke:
“I think I will take a nap now, kay?”
Ben’s look turned to me and immediately softened, and he sighed.
“Yes, that is okay, Kitten. Sleep well.”
“KK.”
A couple of minutes later, I was out. The next time I opened my eyes, my mood had changed. Dramatically.
Not that I gave in to my emotional turmoil, and instead worked hard to keep my expression and bearing neutral.
After some look at the clock, I realized that I had slept the rest of Saturday, and virtually all the night. It was 4:30 in the morning.
And Ben was snoring softly on the other side of the bed.
I decided to meditate until he woke up. I was not in the mood to leave my suite right then and there.
When Ben stirred around 6 am, I was still sitting in the full lotus, trying to focus my mind.
I can only assume that he took a moment to look at me for a moment, as there was a delay between him pushing aside his blanket, and him speaking:
“Are you feeling better?”
Without opening my eyes, I answered him:
“In some aspects, yes. I am no longer drugged out of my mind. In other aspects… not so much.”
Another pause later, he commented:
“You are taking this surprisingly calm.”
“No, I don’t. I am furious about it. I feel betrayed. But the worst part of it is that Warden is right. This phobia is a weakness I can’t afford.”
“I can’t believe that. Nothing is worth this level of pain and suffering.”
I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. Looking at him.
“You are wrong. Understandable, as you have no concept of how… strong Mark is. I have seen the specs, and I have seen the results of the tests he has gone through.”
I stretched and slowly stood up, feeling his gaze on my body. I had not bothered putting on any clothes, so not surprising that he was looking.
“As he is now, in his combat body, Mark could wipe the floor with your whole organization. He is so fast that you need a synaptic accelerator to even realize his movement; He is strong enough that I would bet on him against a stomper; He has several integrated weapons, melee as well as ranged. Additionally, he has the smart gun system that makes his firearms insanely deadly.
And he is virtually bulletproof. It takes a heavy crew-served weapon to seriously threaten him. Or thousands over thousands of rounds of what most people would describe as large-caliber rifle bullets.
Thanks to the synaptic accelerator and the reflex booster he literally can run rings around your people.”
I slowly walked to the bed and sat down beside him.
“If we compare him to cyber zombies, I would bet on him taking out a whole squad of them. And as much as I like the goof, and strangely yes, I do like him, he is neither the smartest nor the most creative fighter there is.”
I made a pause.
“And he is just the first of many. I… can’t let my phobia deprive me, and Enki, of the protection combat cyborgs like Mark will provide.”
Ben sighed.
“But it didn’t have to be that… brutal.”
I shook my head, smiling sadly.
“She was right here too. I know myself too well to not understand that I would have found any excuse not to meet with Mark. The fear of the fear would have become as bad as the fear itself.
It would have crippled me. As hard as it was… Warden was right. I can no longer deny that I need to overcome this problem. I… want to. I want to hide from it. But I can’t allow it.”
He looked at me softly, and with a sad expression.
“I can’t protect you from it, can I?”
“No, I fear you can’t. But you can help me.”
He scrunched his nose.
“How?”
“Be at my side when I confront my fear, give me the strength to go through with it, without running away.”
“I can do that. Duncan can take care of the family for a week or two.”
I snorted.
“I doubt you have to be at my side 24/7 for a week. We are talking about Mark here. Warden was right in that aspect as well.
I hope at least. I think if I can get through the first panic attack, the familiarity will help. He is a friend after all.”
“Ok. Then I would say after breakfast we try it.”
I forced a smile.
“I don’t want to. But… “
He nodded.
“But.”
We showered together and then went to breakfast.
All the other inhabitants of the fortress came to me and voiced their concerns, and I was relieved when I saw that Mark was in his everyday body. The normal human-sized one.
I spent most of the breakfast explaining that I was reasonably well.
And after we cleared the tables, I asked Mark if he could help me.
He was… surprised and concerned about it, but after some explaining he agreed. Eventually.
It was way harder to convince Lt. Thomson, Sgt. Reynolds, and Svenja that it was necessary.
Ben finally managed to get through to them.
“Listen, Thomson, Vivian has had some severe trauma caused by overly large men. This trauma will trigger every single time she sees a similar-sized or even bigger man. Unless she confronts it.”
“But sir, she does not need to confront it.”
“Aidan, please think about it. I am sure Mark bragged about what he can now do in his combat body.”
When Thomson nodded, Ben continued:
“Can you, in all honesty, tell me that this would not be an advantage for your guard detail? That it would not help you protect Vivian?”
Thomson frowned, but clearly against his will, he nodded.
“It would be an advantage. But we can…”
Ben interrupted him.
“I am sure you can work around it. And provide inferior protection. Let’s be honest here among ourselves. You would be derelict in your duty if you did not try to get your men augmented in this fashion.
But if you do, you have to have the ability to be around Vivian. It won’t work if she panics every single time she sees her bodyguards.”
Reynolds, as usual, did not show much emotion, but simply asked:
“What can we do, sir?”
“Just be around her, when she encounters Mark. Help to make her feel safe.”
It took all my willpower not to run screaming from the room, but I nonetheless commented:
“It has to be Mark. Anybody else… I don’t think I could overcome the fear.”
From behind me, I heard Warden’s voice:
“Then it is of advantage that I convinced Dr. Berg to take on Mark as the first subject.”
