Chapter 511: Alone In Your Grief
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Alice sighed as she saw the name on her phone. As she accepted the call and brought the receiver to her ear, she was not given the chance for greetings.
"Where are you?"
Alice gave a half smile. The woman was certainly dedicated.
"Why, hello, Dr. Bell, how lovely to hear from you. I am doing quite well today. Thank you for asking."
"Well, Miss Alice, I would love to confirm that for myself. Perhaps in an appointment? Like the one we had scheduled for, hmm, when was it? Oh! Yes, that's right…. Now!"
"Oh, was that today?" Alice asked with a smile. "I completely forgot. I guess we will need to reschedule again."
She could hear Bell take a deep, irritated breath on the other end of the line. Then, after a few silent moments, Bell returned.
"Avoiding seeing me won't change anything."
"I'm not avoiding you. I've just been busy," Alice replied with a hint of tediousness. "There is a war going on, you know? Much more important things to do than having checkups."
"Just because the results show that you still carry the infection doesn't mean we've given up," Bell continued, ignoring Alice's attempt to sidestep the conversation. "Peter, myself and the team in Summer are all still looking for a way to remove it entirely from your system."
Alice clenched her jaw.
"But Alice," Bell continued. "We need to make sure that you are really ok. We have no way of knowing for sure that it won't have an effect on you eventually. So please, stop skipping our appointments."
"It's already had an effect on me, Bell," Alice replied, a sinister smile in her voice. "I think that's enough for now."
She heard the soft sigh from Bell.
"I'm sorry, Alice, I can't imagine."
"Please don't," Alice replied. "I don't need it."
"Alice," Bell said. "Even if we ignore this part of your medical record, you still need to come in."
Alice sighed.
"You're coming on a little strong, doctor, I know you miss the gallant Galen, but this is a bit unprofessional, don't you think?" Alice replied playfully.
"I'm serious, Alice," Bell sighed. "We have a treatment plan that needs to be kept. The lesions in your brain have shown signs of improvement, but they are still a real threat."
Alice swallowed and closed her eyes.
"You're right," she said.
"Good," Bell replied, a smile in her voice. "Then I will let this slide today, but you need to come to see me tomorrow."
"We'll see how the day plays out," Alice replied coolly.
Bell sighed in frustration but didn't push any further.
"Our business aside, is Axel doing all right?"
Alice suddenly straightened her back as she felt a weight drop in her stomach.
"Why do you ask?" she replied.
"I saw him a little while ago coming out of his office," Bell began. "He seemed upset. It's not a foreign look on him these days, but it seemed like a bit more this time."
Alice swallowed, feeling a pain in her chest.
"I haven't seen him today," she admitted. "Last night, I stayed with one of the refugee families. They live on the far side of the safe zone and needed some help late into the night."
"You might check in with him," Bell suggested. "Neither of you is alone in your grief, but it's difficult to remember that sometimes."
Bell didn't give Alice a chance to deny her grief, ending the call before she could reply.
She was left wondering if something was wrong with Axel, something beyond her.
"You're avoiding your husband," a familiar voice called out.
Alice turned to see the blue hair like a shining beacon in the snowy white around him.
"That's rich," Alice smiled. "Coming from a man that avoided his man for five years."
"I didn't avoid," Myka replied. "I just didn't chase right away."
"Mmhmm," Alice smirked.
"Either way, it means I can give you expert advice on the subject," Myka continued with a bright smile and a shrug of his shoulders. "That advice is, don't do it. You will regret it."
Alice looked away.
"He's not my husband, you know," she said, sidestepping the topic.
"I wondered," he replied. "And why is that?"
"Timing," she replied with a smile. "We have the best timing."
Myka grinned at the sarcasm in her voice.
"First, we met when we were children and then promptly had our memories erased of each other. Then, we met again, but we gave each other up to ensure his sister was safe from a monster. Finally, we could be together, but only after I brought his dead father home to Winter. And shattered my mind, of course."
Myka's eyes widened, and he took a deep breath.
"So, between our separations, my close calls with death, and proper mourning, we have not had the chance for a wedding. And then, of course, there is the small matter of a war between the packs."
"Wow…" Myka sighed.
Alice nodded.
"So, we have agreed to not worry about it until the war is settled," Alice sighed, then turned her patented smile on Myka. "What about you and Peter?"
"We are still getting to know each other again," he replied. "But I don't plan on letting him go."
"Good," Alice said, this time with a genuine smile.
"Alice?" he called to her.
"Hmm?" she replied.
Alice looked up to see Myka with a calm and focused expression. His eyes held a warmth and concern that made her heart beat harder.
"You know you're not alone," he said. "Not anymore."
Alice swallowed and smiled.
"I know," she nodded.
"Do you?" he asked.
Of course," she laughed. "You're right here."
Myka tilted his head to the side and smiled.
"I meant Axel," he said.
Alice clenched her jaw and looked away.
"I know."
"You can't keep avoiding him, Alice," Myka continued. "I know you don't want to burden him, but–"
"It's not about that," she replied with a sigh. "I'm not avoiding him because I don't want to be a burden. I just don't want to feel the way I feel."
"And how do you feel?" he asked gently.
"Guilty, selfish…. Unworthy."
She smiled sadly.
"There was… a moment," she said. A gentle strain in her voice as she tried to keep smiling. "Just a small one, more like an instant."
She paused, licking and then biting her top lip before continuing.
"A tiny, half a second, where I wondered if it had to be him?"
Alice took a shaky breath as her knees buckled. Myka put his arm around her as he saw her become unsteady. She leaned into him, not even realizing that she needed the support.
Myka guided her to sit on a log not far from them. She took a few breaths, a few moments to recover. Then, when she seemed stable again, Myka broached the subject.
"Could you really go through the rest of this life without Axel?" he asked softly.
Alice closed her eyes and took a deep breath through her nose, pulling the cold air deep into her lungs and blowing it slowly through her lips.
"I'm not sure I could endure even the thought of that life," she whispered.
She curled her lips between her teeth, chewing on them to keep the tears from falling.
"What is it?" Myka asked softly, putting his arm around her shoulders.
"I have spent my life unable to express any real emotion," she said. "Playing a role everywhere I went, and with everything I did."
She licked her lips, taking another breath and showing a sad smile.
"And now, when I need to do exactly that, keep my real emotions buried deep inside, I can't."
"But… why would you need to do that?" Myka asked as he rubbed her shoulder. "Axel loves you, Alice. He would want to know how you are really feeling."
Alice swallowed and then looked up at Myka with tears welled in her eyes.
"Because he is the only person who has never seen me as broken," she whispered. "After everything, he has never looked at me as less than anyone else."
"And why would he now?" Myka smiled tenderly. "You're still you, Alice."
"You don't understand," Alice replied and turned away with a sniffle.
"Help me understand," Myka replied, squeezing her shoulder.
Alice sniffled and then closed her eyes.
"Axel and I talked before about the possibility of not having children," she said.
She paused to take a deep breath and swallow.
"I had told him that I would understand if he married someone else and had a family with them, that I would be fine if he wanted to keep me on the side."
She smiled as the tears fell.
Myka took a deep breath and looked away.
"Alice…"
"He was against the idea," she chuckled.
"Of course he was!" Myka replied. "It's a ridiculous idea."
Alice nodded.
"But it was still an option I gave him," she said with a self-deprecating smile. "And now…"
"Alice, come on, you can't really think he would suddenly change his mind like that."
Alice clenched her jaw and swallowed; she shrugged as she looked away.
"Wouldn't it be the simplest solution?" she said. "He could have a family, a real Luna, and I would still be here for whatever he wanted me for."
Myka let out a pained sigh as he listened.
"Axel would never do that," he said. "Even if he was that determined to have children, he couldn't hurt you like that, keeping you on the side to watch him with someone else? That's stupid."
"I know," she whispered with a bitter laugh. Then with a sharp inhale of breath and a sob, she added. "But I'd rather that than the alternative."
"What's the alternative?" Myka asked gently.
Alice sniffled.
"That he might send me away," she whispered. "He might think I'd be happy with anyone's child over him. That his love for me and my dreams would overrule his own."
"Selfishly," a deep voice called from behind them.
Alice gasped, turning to see her golden Viking staring back at her with a pained look in his eyes.
"I had never even considered that option."
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Alice sighed as she saw the name on her phone. As she accepted the call and brought the receiver to her ear, she was not given the chance for greetings.
"Where are you?"
Alice gave a half smile. The woman was certainly dedicated.
"Why, hello, Dr. Bell, how lovely to hear from you. I am doing quite well today. Thank you for asking."
"Well, Miss Alice, I would love to confirm that for myself. Perhaps in an appointment? Like the one we had scheduled for, hmm, when was it? Oh! Yes, that's right…. Now!"
"Oh, was that today?" Alice asked with a smile. "I completely forgot. I guess we will need to reschedule again."
She could hear Bell take a deep, irritated breath on the other end of the line. Then, after a few silent moments, Bell returned.
"Avoiding seeing me won't change anything."
"I'm not avoiding you. I've just been busy," Alice replied with a hint of tediousness. "There is a war going on, you know? Much more important things to do than having checkups."
"Just because the results show that you still carry the infection doesn't mean we've given up," Bell continued, ignoring Alice's attempt to sidestep the conversation. "Peter, myself and the team in Summer are all still looking for a way to remove it entirely from your system."
Alice clenched her jaw.
"But Alice," Bell continued. "We need to make sure that you are really ok. We have no way of knowing for sure that it won't have an effect on you eventually. So please, stop skipping our appointments."
"It's already had an effect on me, Bell," Alice replied, a sinister smile in her voice. "I think that's enough for now."
She heard the soft sigh from Bell.
"I'm sorry, Alice, I can't imagine."
"Please don't," Alice replied. "I don't need it."
"Alice," Bell said. "Even if we ignore this part of your medical record, you still need to come in."
Alice sighed.
"You're coming on a little strong, doctor, I know you miss the gallant Galen, but this is a bit unprofessional, don't you think?" Alice replied playfully.
"I'm serious, Alice," Bell sighed. "We have a treatment plan that needs to be kept. The lesions in your brain have shown signs of improvement, but they are still a real threat."
Alice swallowed and closed her eyes.
"You're right," she said.
"Good," Bell replied, a smile in her voice. "Then I will let this slide today, but you need to come to see me tomorrow."
"We'll see how the day plays out," Alice replied coolly.
Bell sighed in frustration but didn't push any further.
"Our business aside, is Axel doing all right?"
Alice suddenly straightened her back as she felt a weight drop in her stomach.
"Why do you ask?" she replied.
"I saw him a little while ago coming out of his office," Bell began. "He seemed upset. It's not a foreign look on him these days, but it seemed like a bit more this time."
Alice swallowed, feeling a pain in her chest.
"I haven't seen him today," she admitted. "Last night, I stayed with one of the refugee families. They live on the far side of the safe zone and needed some help late into the night."
"You might check in with him," Bell suggested. "Neither of you is alone in your grief, but it's difficult to remember that sometimes."
Bell didn't give Alice a chance to deny her grief, ending the call before she could reply.
She was left wondering if something was wrong with Axel, something beyond her.
"You're avoiding your husband," a familiar voice called out.
Alice turned to see the blue hair like a shining beacon in the snowy white around him.
"That's rich," Alice smiled. "Coming from a man that avoided his man for five years."
"I didn't avoid," Myka replied. "I just didn't chase right away."
"Mmhmm," Alice smirked.
"Either way, it means I can give you expert advice on the subject," Myka continued with a bright smile and a shrug of his shoulders. "That advice is, don't do it. You will regret it."
Alice looked away.
"He's not my husband, you know," she said, sidestepping the topic.
"I wondered," he replied. "And why is that?"
"Timing," she replied with a smile. "We have the best timing."
Myka grinned at the sarcasm in her voice.
"First, we met when we were children and then promptly had our memories erased of each other. Then, we met again, but we gave each other up to ensure his sister was safe from a monster. Finally, we could be together, but only after I brought his dead father home to Winter. And shattered my mind, of course."
Myka's eyes widened, and he took a deep breath.
"So, between our separations, my close calls with death, and proper mourning, we have not had the chance for a wedding. And then, of course, there is the small matter of a war between the packs."
"Wow…" Myka sighed.
Alice nodded.
"So, we have agreed to not worry about it until the war is settled," Alice sighed, then turned her patented smile on Myka. "What about you and Peter?"
"We are still getting to know each other again," he replied. "But I don't plan on letting him go."
"Good," Alice said, this time with a genuine smile.
"Alice?" he called to her.
"Hmm?" she replied.
Alice looked up to see Myka with a calm and focused expression. His eyes held a warmth and concern that made her heart beat harder.
"You know you're not alone," he said. "Not anymore."
Alice swallowed and smiled.
"I know," she nodded.
"Do you?" he asked.
Of course," she laughed. "You're right here."
Myka tilted his head to the side and smiled.
"I meant Axel," he said.
Alice clenched her jaw and looked away.
"I know."
"You can't keep avoiding him, Alice," Myka continued. "I know you don't want to burden him, but–"
"It's not about that," she replied with a sigh. "I'm not avoiding him because I don't want to be a burden. I just don't want to feel the way I feel."
"And how do you feel?" he asked gently.
"Guilty, selfish…. Unworthy."
She smiled sadly.
"There was… a moment," she said. A gentle strain in her voice as she tried to keep smiling. "Just a small one, more like an instant."
She paused, licking and then biting her top lip before continuing.
"A tiny, half a second, where I wondered if it had to be him?"
Alice took a shaky breath as her knees buckled. Myka put his arm around her as he saw her become unsteady. She leaned into him, not even realizing that she needed the support.
Myka guided her to sit on a log not far from them. She took a few breaths, a few moments to recover. Then, when she seemed stable again, Myka broached the subject.
"Could you really go through the rest of this life without Axel?" he asked softly.
Alice closed her eyes and took a deep breath through her nose, pulling the cold air deep into her lungs and blowing it slowly through her lips.
"I'm not sure I could endure even the thought of that life," she whispered.
She curled her lips between her teeth, chewing on them to keep the tears from falling.
"What is it?" Myka asked softly, putting his arm around her shoulders.
"I have spent my life unable to express any real emotion," she said. "Playing a role everywhere I went, and with everything I did."
She licked her lips, taking another breath and showing a sad smile.
"And now, when I need to do exactly that, keep my real emotions buried deep inside, I can't."
"But… why would you need to do that?" Myka asked as he rubbed her shoulder. "Axel loves you, Alice. He would want to know how you are really feeling."
Alice swallowed and then looked up at Myka with tears welled in her eyes.
"Because he is the only person who has never seen me as broken," she whispered. "After everything, he has never looked at me as less than anyone else."
"And why would he now?" Myka smiled tenderly. "You're still you, Alice."
"You don't understand," Alice replied and turned away with a sniffle.
"Help me understand," Myka replied, squeezing her shoulder.
Alice sniffled and then closed her eyes.
"Axel and I talked before about the possibility of not having children," she said.
She paused to take a deep breath and swallow.
"I had told him that I would understand if he married someone else and had a family with them, that I would be fine if he wanted to keep me on the side."
She smiled as the tears fell.
Myka took a deep breath and looked away.
"Alice…"
"He was against the idea," she chuckled.
"Of course he was!" Myka replied. "It's a ridiculous idea."
Alice nodded.
"But it was still an option I gave him," she said with a self-deprecating smile. "And now…"
"Alice, come on, you can't really think he would suddenly change his mind like that."
Alice clenched her jaw and swallowed; she shrugged as she looked away.
"Wouldn't it be the simplest solution?" she said. "He could have a family, a real Luna, and I would still be here for whatever he wanted me for."
Myka let out a pained sigh as he listened.
"Axel would never do that," he said. "Even if he was that determined to have children, he couldn't hurt you like that, keeping you on the side to watch him with someone else? That's stupid."
"I know," she whispered with a bitter laugh. Then with a sharp inhale of breath and a sob, she added. "But I'd rather that than the alternative."
"What's the alternative?" Myka asked gently.
Alice sniffled.
"That he might send me away," she whispered. "He might think I'd be happy with anyone's child over him. That his love for me and my dreams would overrule his own."
"Selfishly," a deep voice called from behind them.
Alice gasped, turning to see her golden Viking staring back at her with a pained look in his eyes.
"I had never even considered that option."
Alice sighed as she saw the name on her phone. As she accepted the call and brought the receiver to her ear, she was not given the chance for greetings."Where are you?"Alice gave a half smile. The woman was certainly dedicated."Why, hello, Dr. Bell, how lovely to hear from you. I am doing quite well today. Thank you for asking.""Well, Miss Alice, I would love to confirm that for myself. Perhaps in an appointment? Like the one we had scheduled for, hmm, when was it? Oh! Yes, that's right. Now!""Oh, was that today?" Alice asked with a smile. "I completely forgot. I guess we will need to reschedule again."She could hear Bell take a deep, irritated breath on the other end of the line. Then, after a few silent moments, Bell returned."Avoiding seeing me won't change anything.""I'm not avoiding you. I've just been busy," Alice replied with a hint of tediousness. "There is a war going on, you know? Much more important things to do than having checkups.""Just because the results show that you still carry the infection doesn't mean we've given up," Bell continued, ignoring Alice's attempt to sidestep the conversation. "Peter, myself and the team in Summer are all still looking for a way to remove it entirely from your system."Alice clenched her jaw."But Alice," Bell continued. "We need to make sure that you are really ok. We have no way of knowing for sure that it won't have an effect on you eventually. So please, stop skipping our appointments.""It's already had an effect on me, Bell," Alice replied, a sinister smile in her voice. "I think that's enough for now."She heard the soft sigh from Bell."I'm sorry, Alice, I can't imagine.""Please don't," Alice replied. "I don't need it.""Alice," Bell said. "Even if we ignore this part of your medical record, you still need to come in."Alice sighed."You're coming on a little strong, doctor, I know you miss the gallant Galen, but this is a bit unprofessional, don't you think?" Alice replied playfully."I'm serious, Alice," Bell sighed. "We have a treatment plan that needs to be kept. The lesions in your brain have shown signs of improvement, but they are still a real threat."Alice swallowed and closed her eyes."You're right," she said."Good," Bell replied, a smile in her voice. "Then I will let this slide today, but you need to come to see me tomorrow.""We'll see how the day plays out," Alice replied coolly.Bell sighed in frustration but didn't push any further."Our business aside, is Axel doing all right?"Alice suddenly straightened her back as she felt a weight drop in her stomach."Why do you ask?" she replied."I saw him a little while ago coming out of his office," Bell began. "He seemed upset. It's not a foreign look on him these days, but it seemed like a bit more this time."Alice swallowed, feeling a pain in her chest."I haven't seen him today," she admitted. "Last night, I stayed with one of the refugee families. They live on the far side of the safe zone and needed some help late into the night.""You might check in with him," Bell suggested. "Neither of you is alone in your grief, but it's difficult to remember that sometimes."Bell didn't give Alice a chance to deny her grief, ending the call before she could reply.She was left wondering if something was wrong with Axel, something beyond her."You're avoiding your husband," a familiar voice called out.Alice turned to see the blue hair like a shining beacon in the snowy white around him."That's rich," Alice smiled. "Coming from a man that avoided his man for five years.""I didn't avoid," Myka replied. "I just didn't chase right away.""Mmhmm," Alice smirked."Either way, it means I can give you expert advice on the subject," Myka continued with a bright smile and a shrug of his shoulders. "That advice is, don't do it. You will regret it."Alice looked away."He's not my husband, you know," she said, sidestepping the topic."I wondered," he replied. "And why is that?""Timing," she replied with a smile. "We have the best timing."Myka grinned at the sarcasm in her voice."First, we met when we were children and then promptly had our memories erased of each other. Then, we met again, but we gave each other up to ensure his sister was safe from a monster. Finally, we could be together, but only after I brought his dead father home to Winter. And shattered my mind, of course."Myka's eyes widened, and he took a deep breath."So, between our separations, my close calls with death, and proper mourning, we have not had the chance for a wedding. And then, of course, there is the small matter of a war between the packs.""Wow" Myka sighed.Alice nodded."So, we have agreed to not worry about it until the war is settled," Alice sighed, then turned her patented smile on Myka. "What about you and Peter?""We are still getting to know each other again," he replied. "But I don't plan on letting him go.""Good," Alice said, this time with a genuine smile."Alice?" he called to her."Hmm?" she replied.Alice looked up to see Myka with a calm and focused expression. His eyes held a warmth and concern that made her heart beat harder."You know you're not alone," he said. "Not anymore."Alice swallowed and smiled. "I know," she nodded."Do you?" he asked.Of course," she laughed. "You're right here."Myka tilted his head to the side and smiled."I meant Axel," he said.Alice clenched her jaw and looked away."I know.""You can't keep avoiding him, Alice," Myka continued. "I know you don't want to burden him, but""It's not about that," she replied with a sigh. "I'm not avoiding him because I don't want to be a burden. I just don't want to feel the way I feel.""And how do you feel?" he asked gently."Guilty, selfish. Unworthy."She smiled sadly."There was a moment," she said. A gentle strain in her voice as she tried to keep smiling. "Just a small one, more like an instant."She paused, licking and then biting her top lip before continuing."A tiny, half a second, where I wondered if it had to be him?"Alice took a shaky breath as her knees buckled. Myka put his arm around her as he saw her become unsteady. She leaned into him, not even realizing that she needed the support.Myka guided her to sit on a log not far from them. She took a few breaths, a few moments to recover. Then, when she seemed stable again, Myka broached the subject."Could you really go through the rest of this life without Axel?" he asked softly.Alice closed her eyes and took a deep breath through her nose, pulling the cold air deep into her lungs and blowing it slowly through her lips."I'm not sure I could endure even the thought of that life," she whispered.She curled her lips between her teeth, chewing on them to keep the tears from falling."What is it?" Myka asked softly, putting his arm around her shoulders."I have spent my life unable to express any real emotion," she said. "Playing a role everywhere I went, and with everything I did."She licked her lips, taking another breath and showing a sad smile."And now, when I need to do exactly that, keep my real emotions buried deep inside, I can't.""But why would you need to do that?" Myka asked as he rubbed her shoulder. "Axel loves you, Alice. He would want to know how you are really feeling."Alice swallowed and then looked up at Myka with tears welled in her eyes."Because he is the only person who has never seen me as broken," she whispered. "After everything, he has never looked at me as less than anyone else.""And why would he now?" Myka smiled tenderly. "You're still you, Alice.""You don't understand," Alice replied and turned away with a sniffle."Help me understand," Myka replied, squeezing her shoulder.Alice sniffled and then closed her eyes."Axel and I talked before about the possibility of not having children," she said.She paused to take a deep breath and swallow."I had told him that I would understand if he married someone else and had a family with them, that I would be fine if he wanted to keep me on the side."She smiled as the tears fell.Myka took a deep breath and looked away."Alice""He was against the idea," she chuckled."Of course he was!" Myka replied. "It's a ridiculous idea."Alice nodded."But it was still an option I gave him," she said with a self-deprecating smile. "And now""Alice, come on, you can't really think he would suddenly change his mind like that."Alice clenched her jaw and swallowed; she shrugged as she looked away."Wouldn't it be the simplest solution?" she said. "He could have a family, a real Luna, and I would still be here for whatever he wanted me for."Myka let out a pained sigh as he listened."Axel would never do that," he said. "Even if he was that determined to have children, he couldn't hurt you like that, keeping you on the side to watch him with someone else? That's stupid.""I know," she whispered with a bitter laugh. Then with a sharp inhale of breath and a sob, she added. "But I'd rather that than the alternative.""What's the alternative?" Myka asked gently.Alice sniffled."That he might send me away," she whispered. "He might think I'd be happy with anyone's child over him. That his love for me and my dreams would overrule his own.""Selfishly," a deep voice called from behind them.Alice gasped, turning to see her golden Viking staring back at her with a pained look in his eyes."I had never even considered that option."
