Chapter 675: I Don’t Know How
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After nearly another whole month, Ashleigh’s treatments were almost done. There was no more debridement, no more shots or tissue samples being taken. All that was left was some lasering that would help reduce the scarring and some light physical therapy for the muscles that had been damaged.
She had been cleared to leave the hospital, but Ashleigh didn’t want to return to their shared room or the treehouse. So, she stayed in the hospital room until she was done with all treatments.
She sat on the side of the bed. Unzipping her jacket, she looked down at the binder she wore. There were no more bandages, and the wounds were virtually healed. The binder was to help support the core muscles.
Moving back onto the bed, she leaned against the wall and opened the binder. She swallowed as she looked down at her stomach. The wounds were gone, but the scarring left behind was significant.
She swallowed and gingerly touched the scar with her fingertip.
“I’ll have to explain it one day…” she whispered sadly, thinking of Caleb’s smile. “I’ll have to tell him where this came from.”
As her eyes scanned the thick scar, she remembered the pain from the attack and the treatment. And then she heard Sadie’s and Stefan’s screams.
She closed her eyes and clenched her jaw. Then, swallowed the lump in her throat and pushed back the weight in her chest. Quickly she closed the binder tight and zipped up her jacket. She raised her hand and wiped away the tear that dared to fall from her eye.
A knock at the door brought a gasp to her lips.
Ashleigh wiped her face and pulled the blankets over her body as the door opened.
Bell stepped in with a gentle smile.
“Hey, Ash,” she called sweetly.
Ashleigh turned away, trying to hide the fact that she had cried.
Bell saw the movement and assumed she was trying to avoid her again. She sighed but pushed forward.
“Listen,” she began, “you have been cleared to leave the hospital, and the only treatments you have left are not daily. So, I think it would be good for you to get out of the hospital, at least for a few days.”
Ashleigh turned but didn’t look up at Bell. Her heart began to pump harder. Was she trying to make her go to the treehouse or their room? Trying to force her to face the absence of Caleb?
“And the timing is perfect,” Bell continued, stepping closer to the bed. “The twins are due any day now.”
Ashleigh furrowed her brows; she looked up at Bell in disbelief.
“You want me to go to Winter?” she asked.
Bell licked her lips nervously.
“Not alone,” she said quickly. “Galen and I are going, just for a few days. I think it would be great if we could all go together to celebrate with Axel and Alice.”
The weight in her chest was back, and the lump in her throat felt thick enough to choke her. She breathed through her nose and clenched her jaw as she turned away.
She was quiet for a long time, and Bell waited patiently, hoping that Ashleigh would finally take a step forward.
“It’s not a good idea,” Ashleigh whispered.
Bell bit the inside of her bottom lip between her teeth until she tasted a trickle of blood. She took a shaky breath through her nose and swallowed.
She stared down at the floor as her fingernails dug into the palms of her hands with how hard she squeezed them.
“Ashleigh…” Bell said, her voice coming out as a soft and shaky whisper. “You can’t keep avoiding life.”
Ashleigh closed her eyes.
“You have to face what happened,” Bell continued. Her voice got stronger as she spoke. “I know it’s hard, and I can’t possibly understand what you are feeling… but… he’s gone.”
Ashleigh clenched her teeth together as her jaw shook and her eyes burned with unshed tears. The weight in her chest was hot and thick.
Bell took a breath. She sighed and softened her tone.
“We all miss him, not just you,” Bell said, tears slipping down her cheek. “But he is gone, and we’re still here, Ashleigh. We’re here… waiting for you to come back to us.”
Bell lowered her gaze. She took a shaky breath as the feelings she had held back for months were finally acknowledged. She swallowed and waited for whatever Ashleigh would say.
“I know,” Ashleigh said softly with a gentle nod.
Bell lifted her head, surprised by Ashleigh’s reply.
“But I can’t,” Ashleigh continued with her head down. Her voice was a pained whisper. “I can’t be here with you.”
“Ashleigh…” Bell whispered, regretting confronting her as she heard the pain in her voice.
Ashleigh lifted her head. Bell saw the tears streaming down her face and the anguish in her eyes.
“I want to be happy for you,” Ashleigh whispered. “For you and Galen, for Axel and Alice… Myka and Peter… I want so much to smile with you and congratulate you on the lives you are building, the families you’re raising.”
Ashleigh took a shaky breath and furrowed her brows as her jaw shook. The thick heaviness in her chest was burning now.
“But I can’t,” she said with a bitter laugh. “Because all I feel when I see you all so happy… is angry.”
She looked away.
“When I hear Axel and Alice talk about the babies… I just remember how Caleb wanted a family, how I couldn’t even let him dream of one.”
Ashleigh reached up and angrily wiped her tears.
“When I see you and Galen,” she said, shaking her head. “I think of how scared you were that you would never see him again…and then I see Caleb being pulled away into the darkness.”
Bell sniffled and took a deep breath.
“That’s why I lied about the report from Moonguard, why I played with everyone’s lives!” Ashleigh shouted. “Because I need him! This world doesn’t make sense without him! I am suffocating on my anger, and the only way to stop is by getting him back!”
Ashleigh let out a heavy sob that left her breathless. She gasped for air, and Bell rushed to her side. But Ashleigh pushed her away.
“No!” she screamed, taking short, deep breaths as the tears continued. “I am the reason that Stefan almost died! I hurt Myka and Sadie! They all could have been killed because of me!”
She cried and screamed. Bell took a step back, hugging herself as her own tears fell.
“I don’t know who I am anymore!” Ashleigh screamed.
She cried out and hit her fists on the bed several times. Finally, she dug her fingers into the mattress and tore at it until the fabric ripped and the padding was exposed. Then she hunched over, taking deep panting breaths as the tears wouldn’t stop.
“I don’t know…” she whispered mournfully, “how to be here with all of you… without him.”
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After nearly another whole month, Ashleigh’s treatments were almost done. There was no more debridement, no more shots or tissue samples being taken. All that was left was some lasering that would help reduce the scarring and some light physical therapy for the muscles that had been damaged.
She had been cleared to leave the hospital, but Ashleigh didn’t want to return to their shared room or the treehouse. So, she stayed in the hospital room until she was done with all treatments.
She sat on the side of the bed. Unzipping her jacket, she looked down at the binder she wore. There were no more bandages, and the wounds were virtually healed. The binder was to help support the core muscles.
Moving back onto the bed, she leaned against the wall and opened the binder. She swallowed as she looked down at her stomach. The wounds were gone, but the scarring left behind was significant.
She swallowed and gingerly touched the scar with her fingertip.
“I’ll have to explain it one day…” she whispered sadly, thinking of Caleb’s smile. “I’ll have to tell him where this came from.”
As her eyes scanned the thick scar, she remembered the pain from the attack and the treatment. And then she heard Sadie’s and Stefan’s screams.
She closed her eyes and clenched her jaw. Then, swallowed the lump in her throat and pushed back the weight in her chest. Quickly she closed the binder tight and zipped up her jacket. She raised her hand and wiped away the tear that dared to fall from her eye.
A knock at the door brought a gasp to her lips.
Ashleigh wiped her face and pulled the blankets over her body as the door opened.
Bell stepped in with a gentle smile.
“Hey, Ash,” she called sweetly.
Ashleigh turned away, trying to hide the fact that she had cried.
Bell saw the movement and assumed she was trying to avoid her again. She sighed but pushed forward.
“Listen,” she began, “you have been cleared to leave the hospital, and the only treatments you have left are not daily. So, I think it would be good for you to get out of the hospital, at least for a few days.”
Ashleigh turned but didn’t look up at Bell. Her heart began to pump harder. Was she trying to make her go to the treehouse or their room? Trying to force her to face the absence of Caleb?
“And the timing is perfect,” Bell continued, stepping closer to the bed. “The twins are due any day now.”
Ashleigh furrowed her brows; she looked up at Bell in disbelief.
“You want me to go to Winter?” she asked.
Bell licked her lips nervously.
“Not alone,” she said quickly. “Galen and I are going, just for a few days. I think it would be great if we could all go together to celebrate with Axel and Alice.”
The weight in her chest was back, and the lump in her throat felt thick enough to choke her. She breathed through her nose and clenched her jaw as she turned away.
She was quiet for a long time, and Bell waited patiently, hoping that Ashleigh would finally take a step forward.
“It’s not a good idea,” Ashleigh whispered.
Bell bit the inside of her bottom lip between her teeth until she tasted a trickle of blood. She took a shaky breath through her nose and swallowed.
She stared down at the floor as her fingernails dug into the palms of her hands with how hard she squeezed them.
“Ashleigh…” Bell said, her voice coming out as a soft and shaky whisper. “You can’t keep avoiding life.”
Ashleigh closed her eyes.
“You have to face what happened,” Bell continued. Her voice got stronger as she spoke. “I know it’s hard, and I can’t possibly understand what you are feeling… but… he’s gone.”
Ashleigh clenched her teeth together as her jaw shook and her eyes burned with unshed tears. The weight in her chest was hot and thick.
Bell took a breath. She sighed and softened her tone.
“We all miss him, not just you,” Bell said, tears slipping down her cheek. “But he is gone, and we’re still here, Ashleigh. We’re here… waiting for you to come back to us.”
Bell lowered her gaze. She took a shaky breath as the feelings she had held back for months were finally acknowledged. She swallowed and waited for whatever Ashleigh would say.
“I know,” Ashleigh said softly with a gentle nod.
Bell lifted her head, surprised by Ashleigh’s reply.
“But I can’t,” Ashleigh continued with her head down. Her voice was a pained whisper. “I can’t be here with you.”
“Ashleigh…” Bell whispered, regretting confronting her as she heard the pain in her voice.
Ashleigh lifted her head. Bell saw the tears streaming down her face and the anguish in her eyes.
“I want to be happy for you,” Ashleigh whispered. “For you and Galen, for Axel and Alice… Myka and Peter… I want so much to smile with you and congratulate you on the lives you are building, the families you’re raising.”
Ashleigh took a shaky breath and furrowed her brows as her jaw shook. The thick heaviness in her chest was burning now.
“But I can’t,” she said with a bitter laugh. “Because all I feel when I see you all so happy… is angry.”
She looked away.
“When I hear Axel and Alice talk about the babies… I just remember how Caleb wanted a family, how I couldn’t even let him dream of one.”
Ashleigh reached up and angrily wiped her tears.
“When I see you and Galen,” she said, shaking her head. “I think of how scared you were that you would never see him again…and then I see Caleb being pulled away into the darkness.”
Bell sniffled and took a deep breath.
“That’s why I lied about the report from Moonguard, why I played with everyone’s lives!” Ashleigh shouted. “Because I need him! This world doesn’t make sense without him! I am suffocating on my anger, and the only way to stop is by getting him back!”
Ashleigh let out a heavy sob that left her breathless. She gasped for air, and Bell rushed to her side. But Ashleigh pushed her away.
“No!” she screamed, taking short, deep breaths as the tears continued. “I am the reason that Stefan almost died! I hurt Myka and Sadie! They all could have been killed because of me!”
She cried and screamed. Bell took a step back, hugging herself as her own tears fell.
“I don’t know who I am anymore!” Ashleigh screamed.
She cried out and hit her fists on the bed several times. Finally, she dug her fingers into the mattress and tore at it until the fabric ripped and the padding was exposed. Then she hunched over, taking deep panting breaths as the tears wouldn’t stop.
“I don’t know…” she whispered mournfully, “how to be here with all of you… without him.”
After nearly another whole month, Ashleigh's treatments were almost done. There was no more debridement, no more shots or tissue samples being taken. All that was left was some lasering that would help reduce the scarring and some light physical therapy for the muscles that had been damaged. She had been cleared to leave the hospital, but Ashleigh didn't want to return to their shared room or the treehouse. So, she stayed in the hospital room until she was done with all treatments. She sat on the side of the bed. Unzipping her jacket, she looked down at the binder she wore. There were no more bandages, and the wounds were virtually healed. The binder was to help support the core muscles. Moving back onto the bed, she leaned against the wall and opened the binder. She swallowed as she looked down at her stomach. The wounds were gone, but the scarring left behind was significant. She swallowed and gingerly touched the scar with her fingertip. I'll have to explain it one day she whispered sadly, thinking of Caleb's smile. I'll have to tell him where this came from. As her eyes scanned the thick scar, she remembered the pain from the attack and the treatment. And then she heard Sadie's and Stefan's screams. She closed her eyes and clenched her jaw. Then, swallowed the lump in her throat and pushed back the weight in her chest. Quickly she closed the binder tight and zipped up her jacket. She raised her hand and wiped away the tear that dared to fall from her eye. A knock at the door brought a gasp to her lips. Ashleigh wiped her face and pulled the blankets over her body as the door opened. Bell stepped in with a gentle smile. Hey, Ash, she called sweetly. Ashleigh turned away, trying to hide the fact that she had cried. Bell saw the movement and assumed she was trying to avoid her again. She sighed but pushed forward. Listen, she began, you have been cleared to leave the hospital, and the only treatments you have left are not daily. So, I think it would be good for you to get out of the hospital, at least for a few days. Ashleigh turned but didn't look up at Bell. Her heart began to pump harder. Was she trying to make her go to the treehouse or their room? Trying to force her to face the absence of Caleb? And the timing is perfect, Bell continued, stepping closer to the bed. The twins are due any day now. Ashleigh furrowed her brows; she looked up at Bell in disbelief. You want me to go to Winter? she asked. Bell licked her lips nervously. Not alone, she said quickly. Galen and I are going, just for a few days. I think it would be great if we could all go together to celebrate with Axel and Alice. The weight in her chest was back, and the lump in her throat felt thick enough to choke her. She breathed through her nose and clenched her jaw as she turned away. She was quiet for a long time, and Bell waited patiently, hoping that Ashleigh would finally take a step forward. It's not a good idea, Ashleigh whispered. Bell bit the inside of her bottom lip between her teeth until she tasted a trickle of blood. She took a shaky breath through her nose and swallowed. She stared down at the floor as her fingernails dug into the palms of her hands with how hard she squeezed them. Ashleigh Bell said, her voice coming out as a soft and shaky whisper. You can't keep avoiding life. Ashleigh closed her eyes. You have to face what happened, Bell continued. Her voice got stronger as she spoke. I know it's hard, and I can't possibly understand what you are feeling but he's gone. Ashleigh clenched her teeth together as her jaw shook and her eyes burned with unshed tears. The weight in her chest was hot and thick. Bell took a breath. She sighed and softened her tone. We all miss him, not just you, Bell said, tears slipping down her cheek. But he is gone, and we're still here, Ashleigh. We're here waiting for you to come back to us. Bell lowered her gaze. She took a shaky breath as the feelings she had held back for months were finally acknowledged. She swallowed and waited for whatever Ashleigh would say. I know, Ashleigh said softly with a gentle nod. Bell lifted her head, surprised by Ashleigh's reply. But I can't, Ashleigh continued with her head down. Her voice was a pained whisper. I can't be here with you. Ashleigh Bell whispered, regretting confronting her as she heard the pain in her voice. Ashleigh lifted her head. Bell saw the tears streaming down her face and the anguish in her eyes. I want to be happy for you, Ashleigh whispered. For you and Galen, for Axel and Alice Myka and Peter I want so much to smile with you and congratulate you on the lives you are building, the families you're raising. Ashleigh took a shaky breath and furrowed her brows as her jaw shook. The thick heaviness in her chest was burning now. But I can't, she said with a bitter laugh. Because all I feel when I see you all so happy is angry. She looked away. When I hear Axel and Alice talk about the babies I just remember how Caleb wanted a family, how I couldn't even let him dream of one. Ashleigh reached up and angrily wiped her tears. When I see you and Galen, she said, shaking her head. I think of how scared you were that you would never see him againand then I see Caleb being pulled away into the darkness. Bell sniffled and took a deep breath. That's why I lied about the report from Moonguard, why I played with everyone's lives! Ashleigh shouted. Because I need him! This world doesn't make sense without him! I am suffocating on my anger, and the only way to stop is by getting him back! Ashleigh let out a heavy sob that left her breathless. She gasped for air, and Bell rushed to her side. But Ashleigh pushed her away. No! she screamed, taking short, deep breaths as the tears continued. I am the reason that Stefan almost died! I hurt Myka and Sadie! They all could have been killed because of me! She cried and screamed. Bell took a step back, hugging herself as her own tears fell. I don't know who I am anymore! Ashleigh screamed. She cried out and hit her fists on the bed several times. Finally, she dug her fingers into the mattress and tore at it until the fabric ripped and the padding was exposed. Then she hunched over, taking deep panting breaths as the tears wouldn't stop. I don't know she whispered mournfully, how to be here with all of you without him.
