Chapter 701: What He Would Want
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“We should get you cleaned up,” Corrine said.
Ashleigh nodded.
“Do you want to come to my room?” Corrine asked.
Ashleigh swallowed. The room she shared with Caleb was just upstairs. Her clothing, her favorite shampoo, and body wash. They were still there. But the idea of entering that room without him made the tightness in her chest even more prominent.
“Yes,” Ashleigh whispered.
Corrine nodded.
“It’s just down the hall,” she said, turning to lead the way.
Ashleigh stood near the front door, waiting as Corrine filled the bathtub. When the sound of the running water stopped, Ashleigh’s heart jumped.
“Come on in, darling,” Corrine called out.
Ashleigh hesitated, but after taking a deep breath, she went to the bathroom. The room smelled of lavender, it was warm, and the tub was filled with bubbles.
“I could have taken a shower,” Ashleigh said quietly.
Corrine tilted her head.
“A bath is more relaxing,” she said. “Also, I have a feeling that the layers of dirt on your body will need to be soaked through. You will take a shower after the bath.”
“The sun has already set,” Ashleigh said, “the ceremony—”
“Will go all night,” Corrine interrupted. “Axel will let Fiona and Galen know you’re here, but there is no reason you need to rush down.”
Ashleigh swallowed. While she didn’t particularly want to rush to join the ceremony. Corrine reached out, grabbing the pack off Ashleigh’s back and helping her to remove it.
“The start of the ceremony will be filled with speeches and memories,” Corrine said softly, helping Ashleigh remove her jacket. “It’s for his people. You don’t need to be there to hear every word.”
Ashleigh closed her eyes and clenched her jaw.
When she agreed to come, she was momentarily numbed from her pain. The disappointment and guilt of being unable to save the scout made her feel like she no longer had a right to refuse the vigil.
But in the two weeks since, as she traveled down the mountains of Moonguard and fought against the fae, she had regretted agreeing to come back.
It wasn’t that she didn’t want to give the Summer wolves a chance to say goodbye to Caleb, but rather that she didn’t want to hear them do it.
To have to listen to all the happy memories of him, to see them weep at the loss of him.
Ashleigh had already accepted that she needed to move forward in her life. That she could no longer spend every day searching for Caleb. But it didn’t mean she had given up or felt any better about it.
“He…” Ashleigh began, hesitating. She licked her lips and swallowed her anxiety. “He would have wanted me there.”
Corrine looked at Ashleigh. She grabbed her shoulders and turned her so they faced each other.
“No,” she said.
Ashleigh furrowed her brows.
“He wouldn’t have ever wanted you to have to attend this event,” Corrine continued. “He would have rather had to do it himself a hundred times over than let you face this pain.”
Ashleigh felt the heaviness in her chest and looked away from her mother.
Corrine took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“Don’t worry, darling, you will attend,” she said. “After you’ve cleaned up.”
Ashleigh nodded.
“I will go find you something to wear,” Corrine said, “you go ahead and get in.”
When Corrine left the bathroom, Ashleigh took a deep breath and stripped down. She climbed into the warm water and was surprised by how quickly her body relaxed.
***
Ashleigh quickly finished her shower and got into the robe Corrine had left on the counter.
Corrine told her to get dressed while she rinsed out the tub. As Ashleigh approached the bed, she saw a long gray dress was laid out for her. Ashleigh furrowed her brow.
“That’s my dress…” she whispered.
It had been three years since she wore it. It was long with a high collar and long sleeves. A mourning dress she had worn when she attended the funeral of Granger’s grandmother.
“I brought it from home,” Corrine replied as she entered the room. “I don’t think your size has changed much since then.”
Ashleigh looked back at her mother with furrowed brows.
“Why did you bring it?” she asked.
“I wasn’t sure you had another, and even if you did… I didn’t think you would be ready to return to the places you shared with him yet.”
Ashleigh swallowed and looked down.
“You knew I’d come?” she asked.
“Of course,” Corrine replied without hesitation.
“How?” Ashleigh asked. “I told Fiona I would come, but I wasn’t sure I would until I crossed the gate.”
Corrine took a deep breath.
“You were always going to come here tonight, Ashleigh,” she sighed.
“How do you know?” Ashleigh asked, clenching her jaw. The heat rushed to her face, and that pressure was in her chest again.
“You already said it yourself,” Corrine replied. “It’s what you think he would have wanted.”
Ashleigh took short breaths through her nose and wiped away the tears that streaked down her cheeks.
“It is what he would want!” she shouted.
Corrine sighed and took a step toward her daughter.
“He would want to be with you,” she said.
Ashleigh clenched her jaw angrily.
“Why do you keep saying those things!” she shouted. “You were the first to try and make me give up on him! So why are you trying to act like you believe he is still out there when I am finally willing to accept he is gone!”
“I never said I believed he was gone, Ashleigh,” Corrine replied.
“You told me our connection was cut off!” Ashleigh shouted.
Corrine took a deep breath.
“I said that while he was inside the ley line, it was cut off,” she said, clenching her jaw tightly as she tried to keep her calm.
“You tried to stop me from finding him!” Ashleigh cried out, her tears flowing heavily as her chest burned. “You wouldn’t let me leave!”
“I didn’t want you to kill yourself trying to find him!” Corrine shouted.
Ashleigh was silent. She furrowed her brows and stared back at her mother as she took quick breaths.
Corrine took a deep breath and licked her lips.
“Your fingers,” she whispered, looking down at her hands, “were broken… covered in blood and rock. You scratched at the mountain, over and over, until you were finally pulled away and wrestled to the ground.”
Corrine paused, clenching her hands into fists and closing her eyes.
“When you were a child… you stayed out in that blizzard. You didn’t even consider calling for help. You had to prove your strength. As always, you had to do it alone, no matter how much it hurt you.”
She swallowed and then opened her eyes and looked at Ashleigh.
“The value that you have placed on your life is so low… that it scares me,” she whispered, tears filling her eyes. “I won’t apologize for trying to keep you alive, Ashleigh.”
The anger that had come to life inside of Ashleigh fell away. Leaving behind a heaviness that had her feeling exhausted.
Ashleigh swallowed and lowered her head.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
Corrine took a deep breath and cleared her throat.
“I don’t need your apologies,” she said.
She stepped forward and reached up, wiping Ashleigh’s tears. Then she lifted Ashleigh’s chin to look at her.
“But if you really want to stay true to what Caleb would have wanted,” she said, “then you need to treat yourself a hell of a lot better.”
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“We should get you cleaned up,” Corrine said.
Ashleigh nodded.
“Do you want to come to my room?” Corrine asked.
Ashleigh swallowed. The room she shared with Caleb was just upstairs. Her clothing, her favorite shampoo, and body wash. They were still there. But the idea of entering that room without him made the tightness in her chest even more prominent.
“Yes,” Ashleigh whispered.
Corrine nodded.
“It’s just down the hall,” she said, turning to lead the way.
Ashleigh stood near the front door, waiting as Corrine filled the bathtub. When the sound of the running water stopped, Ashleigh’s heart jumped.
“Come on in, darling,” Corrine called out.
Ashleigh hesitated, but after taking a deep breath, she went to the bathroom. The room smelled of lavender, it was warm, and the tub was filled with bubbles.
“I could have taken a shower,” Ashleigh said quietly.
Corrine tilted her head.
“A bath is more relaxing,” she said. “Also, I have a feeling that the layers of dirt on your body will need to be soaked through. You will take a shower after the bath.”
“The sun has already set,” Ashleigh said, “the ceremony—”
“Will go all night,” Corrine interrupted. “Axel will let Fiona and Galen know you’re here, but there is no reason you need to rush down.”
Ashleigh swallowed. While she didn’t particularly want to rush to join the ceremony. Corrine reached out, grabbing the pack off Ashleigh’s back and helping her to remove it.
“The start of the ceremony will be filled with speeches and memories,” Corrine said softly, helping Ashleigh remove her jacket. “It’s for his people. You don’t need to be there to hear every word.”
Ashleigh closed her eyes and clenched her jaw.
When she agreed to come, she was momentarily numbed from her pain. The disappointment and guilt of being unable to save the scout made her feel like she no longer had a right to refuse the vigil.
But in the two weeks since, as she traveled down the mountains of Moonguard and fought against the fae, she had regretted agreeing to come back.
It wasn’t that she didn’t want to give the Summer wolves a chance to say goodbye to Caleb, but rather that she didn’t want to hear them do it.
To have to listen to all the happy memories of him, to see them weep at the loss of him.
Ashleigh had already accepted that she needed to move forward in her life. That she could no longer spend every day searching for Caleb. But it didn’t mean she had given up or felt any better about it.
“He…” Ashleigh began, hesitating. She licked her lips and swallowed her anxiety. “He would have wanted me there.”
Corrine looked at Ashleigh. She grabbed her shoulders and turned her so they faced each other.
“No,” she said.
Ashleigh furrowed her brows.
“He wouldn’t have ever wanted you to have to attend this event,” Corrine continued. “He would have rather had to do it himself a hundred times over than let you face this pain.”
Ashleigh felt the heaviness in her chest and looked away from her mother.
Corrine took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“Don’t worry, darling, you will attend,” she said. “After you’ve cleaned up.”
Ashleigh nodded.
“I will go find you something to wear,” Corrine said, “you go ahead and get in.”
When Corrine left the bathroom, Ashleigh took a deep breath and stripped down. She climbed into the warm water and was surprised by how quickly her body relaxed.
***
Ashleigh quickly finished her shower and got into the robe Corrine had left on the counter.
Corrine told her to get dressed while she rinsed out the tub. As Ashleigh approached the bed, she saw a long gray dress was laid out for her. Ashleigh furrowed her brow.
“That’s my dress…” she whispered.
It had been three years since she wore it. It was long with a high collar and long sleeves. A mourning dress she had worn when she attended the funeral of Granger’s grandmother.
“I brought it from home,” Corrine replied as she entered the room. “I don’t think your size has changed much since then.”
Ashleigh looked back at her mother with furrowed brows.
“Why did you bring it?” she asked.
“I wasn’t sure you had another, and even if you did… I didn’t think you would be ready to return to the places you shared with him yet.”
Ashleigh swallowed and looked down.
“You knew I’d come?” she asked.
“Of course,” Corrine replied without hesitation.
“How?” Ashleigh asked. “I told Fiona I would come, but I wasn’t sure I would until I crossed the gate.”
Corrine took a deep breath.
“You were always going to come here tonight, Ashleigh,” she sighed.
“How do you know?” Ashleigh asked, clenching her jaw. The heat rushed to her face, and that pressure was in her chest again.
“You already said it yourself,” Corrine replied. “It’s what you think he would have wanted.”
Ashleigh took short breaths through her nose and wiped away the tears that streaked down her cheeks.
“It is what he would want!” she shouted.
Corrine sighed and took a step toward her daughter.
“He would want to be with you,” she said.
Ashleigh clenched her jaw angrily.
“Why do you keep saying those things!” she shouted. “You were the first to try and make me give up on him! So why are you trying to act like you believe he is still out there when I am finally willing to accept he is gone!”
“I never said I believed he was gone, Ashleigh,” Corrine replied.
“You told me our connection was cut off!” Ashleigh shouted.
Corrine took a deep breath.
“I said that while he was inside the ley line, it was cut off,” she said, clenching her jaw tightly as she tried to keep her calm.
“You tried to stop me from finding him!” Ashleigh cried out, her tears flowing heavily as her chest burned. “You wouldn’t let me leave!”
“I didn’t want you to kill yourself trying to find him!” Corrine shouted.
Ashleigh was silent. She furrowed her brows and stared back at her mother as she took quick breaths.
Corrine took a deep breath and licked her lips.
“Your fingers,” she whispered, looking down at her hands, “were broken… covered in blood and rock. You scratched at the mountain, over and over, until you were finally pulled away and wrestled to the ground.”
Corrine paused, clenching her hands into fists and closing her eyes.
“When you were a child… you stayed out in that blizzard. You didn’t even consider calling for help. You had to prove your strength. As always, you had to do it alone, no matter how much it hurt you.”
She swallowed and then opened her eyes and looked at Ashleigh.
“The value that you have placed on your life is so low… that it scares me,” she whispered, tears filling her eyes. “I won’t apologize for trying to keep you alive, Ashleigh.”
The anger that had come to life inside of Ashleigh fell away. Leaving behind a heaviness that had her feeling exhausted.
Ashleigh swallowed and lowered her head.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
Corrine took a deep breath and cleared her throat.
“I don’t need your apologies,” she said.
She stepped forward and reached up, wiping Ashleigh’s tears. Then she lifted Ashleigh’s chin to look at her.
“But if you really want to stay true to what Caleb would have wanted,” she said, “then you need to treat yourself a hell of a lot better.”
We should get you cleaned up, Corrine said. Ashleigh nodded. Do you want to come to my room? Corrine asked. Ashleigh swallowed. The room she shared with Caleb was just upstairs. Her clothing, her favorite shampoo, and body wash. They were still there. But the idea of entering that room without him made the tightness in her chest even more prominent. Yes, Ashleigh whispered. Corrine nodded. It's just down the hall, she said, turning to lead the way. Ashleigh stood near the front door, waiting as Corrine filled the bathtub. When the sound of the running water stopped, Ashleigh's heart jumped. Come on in, darling, Corrine called out. Ashleigh hesitated, but after taking a deep breath, she went to the bathroom. The room smelled of lavender, it was warm, and the tub was filled with bubbles. I could have taken a shower, Ashleigh said quietly. Corrine tilted her head. A bath is more relaxing, she said. Also, I have a feeling that the layers of dirt on your body will need to be soaked through. You will take a shower after the bath. The sun has already set, Ashleigh said, the ceremony Will go all night, Corrine interrupted. Axel will let Fiona and Galen know you're here, but there is no reason you need to rush down. Ashleigh swallowed. While she didn't particularly want to rush to join the ceremony. Corrine reached out, grabbing the pack off Ashleigh's back and helping her to remove it. The start of the ceremony will be filled with speeches and memories, Corrine said softly, helping Ashleigh remove her jacket. It's for his people. You don't need to be there to hear every word. Ashleigh closed her eyes and clenched her jaw. When she agreed to come, she was momentarily numbed from her pain. The disappointment and guilt of being unable to save the scout made her feel like she no longer had a right to refuse the vigil. But in the two weeks since, as she traveled down the mountains of Moonguard and fought against the fae, she had regretted agreeing to come back. It wasn't that she didn't want to give the Summer wolves a chance to say goodbye to Caleb, but rather that she didn't want to hear them do it. To have to listen to all the happy memories of him, to see them weep at the loss of him. Ashleigh had already accepted that she needed to move forward in her life. That she could no longer spend every day searching for Caleb. But it didn't mean she had given up or felt any better about it. He Ashleigh began, hesitating. She licked her lips and swallowed her anxiety. He would have wanted me there. Corrine looked at Ashleigh. She grabbed her shoulders and turned her so they faced each other. No, she said. Ashleigh furrowed her brows. He wouldn't have ever wanted you to have to attend this event, Corrine continued. He would have rather had to do it himself a hundred times over than let you face this pain. Ashleigh felt the heaviness in her chest and looked away from her mother. Corrine took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Don't worry, darling, you will attend, she said. After you've cleaned up. Ashleigh nodded. I will go find you something to wear, Corrine said, you go ahead and get in. When Corrine left the bathroom, Ashleigh took a deep breath and stripped down. She climbed into the warm water and was surprised by how quickly her body relaxed. *** Ashleigh quickly finished her shower and got into the robe Corrine had left on the counter. Corrine told her to get dressed while she rinsed out the tub. As Ashleigh approached the bed, she saw a long gray dress was laid out for her. Ashleigh furrowed her brow. That's my dress she whispered. It had been three years since she wore it. It was long with a high collar and long sleeves. A mourning dress she had worn when she attended the funeral of Granger's grandmother. I brought it from home, Corrine replied as she entered the room. I don't think your size has changed much since then. Ashleigh looked back at her mother with furrowed brows. Why did you bring it? she asked. I wasn't sure you had another, and even if you did I didn't think you would be ready to return to the places you shared with him yet. Ashleigh swallowed and looked down. You knew I'd come? she asked. Of course, Corrine replied without hesitation. How? Ashleigh asked. I told Fiona I would come, but I wasn't sure I would until I crossed the gate. Corrine took a deep breath. You were always going to come here tonight, Ashleigh, she sighed. How do you know? Ashleigh asked, clenching her jaw. The heat rushed to her face, and that pressure was in her chest again. You already said it yourself, Corrine replied. It's what you think he would have wanted. Ashleigh took short breaths through her nose and wiped away the tears that streaked down her cheeks. It is what he would want! she shouted. Corrine sighed and took a step toward her daughter. He would want to be with you, she said. Ashleigh clenched her jaw angrily. Why do you keep saying those things! she shouted. You were the first to try and make me give up on him! So why are you trying to act like you believe he is still out there when I am finally willing to accept he is gone! I never said I believed he was gone, Ashleigh, Corrine replied. You told me our connection was cut off! Ashleigh shouted. Corrine took a deep breath. I said that while he was inside the ley line, it was cut off, she said, clenching her jaw tightly as she tried to keep her calm. You tried to stop me from finding him! Ashleigh cried out, her tears flowing heavily as her chest burned. You wouldn't let me leave! I didn't want you to kill yourself trying to find him! Corrine shouted. Ashleigh was silent. She furrowed her brows and stared back at her mother as she took quick breaths. Corrine took a deep breath and licked her lips. Your fingers, she whispered, looking down at her hands, were broken covered in blood and rock. You scratched at the mountain, over and over, until you were finally pulled away and wrestled to the ground. Corrine paused, clenching her hands into fists and closing her eyes. When you were a child you stayed out in that blizzard. You didn't even consider calling for help. You had to prove your strength. As always, you had to do it alone, no matter how much it hurt you. She swallowed and then opened her eyes and looked at Ashleigh. The value that you have placed on your life is so low that it scares me, she whispered, tears filling her eyes. I won't apologize for trying to keep you alive, Ashleigh. The anger that had come to life inside of Ashleigh fell away. Leaving behind a heaviness that had her feeling exhausted. Ashleigh swallowed and lowered her head. I'm sorry, she whispered. Corrine took a deep breath and cleared her throat. I don't need your apologies, she said. She stepped forward and reached up, wiping Ashleigh's tears. Then she lifted Ashleigh's chin to look at her. But if you really want to stay true to what Caleb would have wanted, she said, then you need to treat yourself a hell of a lot better.
