“What’s wrong?”
“There is nothing wrong, dedia.”
I don’t believe her. As we walk through the halls of the James manor, my wife is clearly in a bad mood. It’s nothing overt. While the elven provinces have the concept of royalty, they don’t have the concept nobility. The strongest rules. They in turn promote the capable and the loyal to control their territory. While there are inter-province conflicts, there is very little politicking.
That means there is no reason to nurture the blank facades that the nobles of Harvest need for their games. However, control is also a sign of strength. Kierra has nothing on a noble like Marquis Guiness when it comes to controlling her expression but she is also quite calm. Difficult to read if one isn’t familiar with her but we are very familiar. Only knowing her usual moods would let an observer know that her small frown is abnormal.
“I know these people’s idea of good food is severely lacking—"
“The food is fine. During my training, my mother forced me to eat the intestines of my kills to discipline my appetite. Fresh and cold.”
Saints, her mother is terrifying. “Are you going to make me guess?”
“I am not upset…but perhaps I am a little bothered.”
“Okay. You’re bothered. About what?”
She stubbornly holds onto her silence until we enter the room our more fragile supplies, a ridiculous amount of booze, are being kept in. My plan for the shroom juice is to sell it to the northerners. After experiencing its effects, I’m sure the members of Alana’s army will vouch for the effectiveness of Howie’s brews to their respective orders. If that fails, I know Kalise will take anything we’re willing to spare.
While we’re checking the inventory, Kierra finally speaks. “I am bothered, Lou, because it feels like we have lost.”
“Huh?” What is this crazy woman talking about? “Lost? Lost what?”
She puts down a barrel and holds up two fingers. “We came to the north with two goals. To improve Alana’s reputation with her family and to establish a base beyond the mountains.”
One finger drops. “We have improved Alana’s reputation but she is shadowed by us. When anyone thinks of her, they will think of her bannerwoman that cannot be killed and her beautiful wife that made a man tear out his own throat. Perhaps we can still count it as a victory but it is a dubious one.” She wags the finger that remains up. “Our second objective is a complete failure.”
“We have a very good reason for not following through with that,” I remind her, taking a seat on one of the crates. “Harvest isn’t prepared for a full-out war with another race.”
“Good reasons are still excuses. Remember, little conqueror. Strength is all that matters. If we were strong enough, we would not fear an army. If we were strong enough, we would not fear a dragon and its servants.”
“No one is that strong.”
“Another excuse.”
This may be an actual problem. “Kii.” I stand up and walk over to her, grabbing her hands in my own. “No one is that strong. That’s just unreasonable.”
She squeezes my hands. “I know. The two decades I spent alone gave me a lot of time for reflection. My head knows that my mother’s ideals are unreasonable. It knows that there is no need to push myself. I will live a long time. As long as I never tire of the journey, I can keep walking for millennia. One day, I will be that strong. I know these things but the heart is a strange creature. It is set in its ways and it tells me that we have failed. It also isn’t wrong.”
She pulls out of my grip. “The level of strength that I speak of may be considered an unreasonable level for mortal creatures but…it exists. And because it exists, because it is possible, no matter how unreasonable of a goal it is, I feel like I’ve failed.”
“You’re not the one who said we should retreat.” I know damn well that if the decision was left to her, she would have built a forward camp twice as large as we planned to antagonize the Lords of Winter and thrown herself whole-heartedly into the war. She held back for us. “If this is a failure, it’s not yours.”
“Mm.” Her tone says she’s not convinced. “Then there is the hunt.”
I throw my hands up in exasperation. “Are you kidding me? You’re talking about our kills, aren’t you? Our army literally killed hundreds of monsters. You climbed inside a titan and tore it apart from the inside. How is that a failure?” And what in the name of the saints is a success if it is?
“Those were satisfying kills. But it is too little. Our army was the first to retreat, with the lowest amount of kills and not even the largest titan.”
A hand covers my eyes in an attempt to disguise my exasperation. “It’s not a competition.”
“It’s always a competition, dedia.”
“You…” I sigh deeply. “Okay. Fine. So, the other armies might have outdone us. You can still kick all their asses. Does that make you feel better?”
“There is also the matter of the estrazi,” she continues, ignoring my attempt to console her. “Once again, we are retreating. It is not a tactical retreat, a simple move in a grander strategy. We are fleeing bunnies after scenting a wolf,” she sneers. “We have failed our objectives, we have been outdone by the natives, and we are running away with our tails between our legs. Tell me again that this is something other than failure.”
Ah. When she puts it that way…
“Do you not want to leave?” This whole time, I’ve been weighing Alana’s interests against my own. How Kierra might feel never occurred to me. I didn’t think she’d care, having no ties to the north and fewer to the kingdom. Now, that seems ridiculous. Of course she has her own opinions. Her own thoughts on what actions we should take. She may be keeping quiet, willing to put her concerns behind ours, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
“No, Lou. Leaving is the right decision. If it were not, I would not let you make a mistake. As I said, I know the rest of it are circumstances that are unfortunate but unavoidable. It simply does not feel good.” She briefly caresses my cheek before grabbing another crate. “I only wanted to share my feelings.”
“I see…” I trail behind her, wrapping my arms around her waist when she sets her burden down. With a chuckle, she tries to remove my arms but I hold on.
“I can’t work like this,” she says, voice full of amusement.
“Thanks.” My wife is a rainstorm. Essential to the prosperity of a land, which would be me, but bringing with it all kinds of problems. But no matter the trouble she brings, she takes the trouble the rest of us brings in stride. I know I don’t tell her how much I appreciate her nearly enough. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” she responds immediately. “What has brought this on?”
“I want to make you feel better.”
“There is no need to make a fuss. I will feel better when we return. Then, I will lay waste to this army of lizards and rip a few more scales off the dragon that protects them. I will present its skull to my mother. She may faint with envy.”
“…if that’s what you want.”
She smiles. In an impressive display of flexibility, she turns and pecks my lips. “Your intentions are sweet but unneeded. Now, come. The sooner we finish, the sooner we can exchange these bottles for gold.”
“What’s wrong?”
“There is nothing wrong, dedia.”
I don’t believe her. As we walk through the halls of the James manor, my wife is clearly in a bad mood. It’s nothing overt. While the elven provinces have the concept of royalty, they don’t have the concept nobility. The strongest rules. They in turn promote the capable and the loyal to control their territory. While there are inter-province conflicts, there is very little politicking.
That means there is no reason to nurture the blank facades that the nobles of Harvest need for their games. However, control is also a sign of strength. Kierra has nothing on a noble like Marquis Guiness when it comes to controlling her expression but she is also quite calm. Difficult to read if one isn’t familiar with her but we are very familiar. Only knowing her usual moods would let an observer know that her small frown is abnormal.
“I know these people’s idea of good food is severely lacking—"
“The food is fine. During my training, my mother forced me to eat the intestines of my kills to discipline my appetite. Fresh and cold.”
Saints, her mother is terrifying. “Are you going to make me guess?”
“I am not upset…but perhaps I am a little bothered.”
“Okay. You’re bothered. About what?”
She stubbornly holds onto her silence until we enter the room our more fragile supplies, a ridiculous amount of booze, are being kept in. My plan for the shroom juice is to sell it to the northerners. After experiencing its effects, I’m sure the members of Alana’s army will vouch for the effectiveness of Howie’s brews to their respective orders. If that fails, I know Kalise will take anything we’re willing to spare.
While we’re checking the inventory, Kierra finally speaks. “I am bothered, Lou, because it feels like we have lost.”
“Huh?” What is this crazy woman talking about? “Lost? Lost what?”
She puts down a barrel and holds up two fingers. “We came to the north with two goals. To improve Alana’s reputation with her family and to establish a base beyond the mountains.”
One finger drops. “We have improved Alana’s reputation but she is shadowed by us. When anyone thinks of her, they will think of her bannerwoman that cannot be killed and her beautiful wife that made a man tear out his own throat. Perhaps we can still count it as a victory but it is a dubious one.” She wags the finger that remains up. “Our second objective is a complete failure.”
“We have a very good reason for not following through with that,” I remind her, taking a seat on one of the crates. “Harvest isn’t prepared for a full-out war with another race.”
“Good reasons are still excuses. Remember, little conqueror. Strength is all that matters. If we were strong enough, we would not fear an army. If we were strong enough, we would not fear a dragon and its servants.”
“No one is that strong.”
“Another excuse.”
This may be an actual problem. “Kii.” I stand up and walk over to her, grabbing her hands in my own. “No one is that strong. That’s just unreasonable.”
She squeezes my hands. “I know. The two decades I spent alone gave me a lot of time for reflection. My head knows that my mother’s ideals are unreasonable. It knows that there is no need to push myself. I will live a long time. As long as I never tire of the journey, I can keep walking for millennia. One day, I will be that strong. I know these things but the heart is a strange creature. It is set in its ways and it tells me that we have failed. It also isn’t wrong.”
She pulls out of my grip. “The level of strength that I speak of may be considered an unreasonable level for mortal creatures but…it exists. And because it exists, because it is possible, no matter how unreasonable of a goal it is, I feel like I’ve failed.”
“You’re not the one who said we should retreat.” I know damn well that if the decision was left to her, she would have built a forward camp twice as large as we planned to antagonize the Lords of Winter and thrown herself whole-heartedly into the war. She held back for us. “If this is a failure, it’s not yours.”
“Mm.” Her tone says she’s not convinced. “Then there is the hunt.”
I throw my hands up in exasperation. “Are you kidding me? You’re talking about our kills, aren’t you? Our army literally killed hundreds of monsters. You climbed inside a titan and tore it apart from the inside. How is that a failure?” And what in the name of the saints is a success if it is?
“Those were satisfying kills. But it is too little. Our army was the first to retreat, with the lowest amount of kills and not even the largest titan.”
A hand covers my eyes in an attempt to disguise my exasperation. “It’s not a competition.”
“It’s always a competition, dedia.”
“You…” I sigh deeply. “Okay. Fine. So, the other armies might have outdone us. You can still kick all their asses. Does that make you feel better?”
“There is also the matter of the estrazi,” she continues, ignoring my attempt to console her. “Once again, we are retreating. It is not a tactical retreat, a simple move in a grander strategy. We are fleeing bunnies after scenting a wolf,” she sneers. “We have failed our objectives, we have been outdone by the natives, and we are running away with our tails between our legs. Tell me again that this is something other than failure.”
Ah. When she puts it that way…
“Do you not want to leave?” This whole time, I’ve been weighing Alana’s interests against my own. How Kierra might feel never occurred to me. I didn’t think she’d care, having no ties to the north and fewer to the kingdom. Now, that seems ridiculous. Of course she has her own opinions. Her own thoughts on what actions we should take. She may be keeping quiet, willing to put her concerns behind ours, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
“No, Lou. Leaving is the right decision. If it were not, I would not let you make a mistake. As I said, I know the rest of it are circumstances that are unfortunate but unavoidable. It simply does not feel good.” She briefly caresses my cheek before grabbing another crate. “I only wanted to share my feelings.”
“I see…” I trail behind her, wrapping my arms around her waist when she sets her burden down. With a chuckle, she tries to remove my arms but I hold on.
“I can’t work like this,” she says, voice full of amusement.
“Thanks.” My wife is a rainstorm. Essential to the prosperity of a land, which would be me, but bringing with it all kinds of problems. But no matter the trouble she brings, she takes the trouble the rest of us brings in stride. I know I don’t tell her how much I appreciate her nearly enough. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” she responds immediately. “What has brought this on?”
“I want to make you feel better.”
“There is no need to make a fuss. I will feel better when we return. Then, I will lay waste to this army of lizards and rip a few more scales off the dragon that protects them. I will present its skull to my mother. She may faint with envy.”
“…if that’s what you want.”
She smiles. In an impressive display of flexibility, she turns and pecks my lips. “Your intentions are sweet but unneeded. Now, come. The sooner we finish, the sooner we can exchange these bottles for gold.”
