"Why is the world so complicated? Why can't things be simpler? I just wanted to become a businessman. It wasn't even anything remotely illegal. Why did it have to involve some mysterious heavenly tribulation? Do the heavens hate me? Oh wait..."
Lamenting his luck, Xuhan walked back to his hut sluggishly. Once the whole fiasco with Yuen Zhou's lecture had taken place, it had attracted the attention of every living being in the sect. Sect master Xuan Zi himself had come running, panic written all over his usually serene face.
After being briefed by a dazed Han Xuhan about the situation, sect master Xuan Zi had dragged Yuen Zhou away immediately with the rest of the curious elders following behind them.
Numbly, Xuhan had instructed the dumbstruck disciples to pack their things up and left with his teaching materials and props.
"On the bright side, that lecture was impressive as hell. Maybe that'll actually help my business scheme..."
Han Xuhan consoled himself and entered his hut, tired after the hectic experience. Feeling hungry, he summoned Zhanxian again to cook for him. Soundlessly, the skeleton jumped out of his back and landed on the ground.
"How did it go, master? The lecture I mean."
"Incredible!" Xuhan answered.
"...Ah well, I was expecting it to be some sort of a disaster for some reason. Guess I was wrong, master."
"....Cook."
Zhanxian gave a mock salute and added as an afterthought, "You might want to have a chat with your new minion. Have fun!"
Eyes narrowed with suspicion, Xuhan summoned the skeletal owl as Zhanxian entered the kitchen and started rummaging through their stocks.
After a few seconds, the odd sound of bony wings flapping in the air behind him told him that the owl had appeared.
Turning around, Han Xuhan found himself face to face with his latest creation, an owl with red bones that could somehow fly despite the lack of feathers. It confirmed his suspicions of the fact that his minions were somehow exempted from regular laws of physics. As the skeleton of a human, Zhanxian could move and speak like living humans, and as the skeleton of an owl, Tun Shi Tian could fly.
That's right. Han Xuhan had already decided what to call his second minion. After a lot of thinking, he had come up with this name. Although he wasn't a Chinese in his previous life, he had learned a lot of redundant Chinese nouns that couldn't really be used in real life, thanks to the webnovels.
As far as he could tell, Tun Shi Tian meant 'Heaven Devouring'. During his edgy teen phase back on earth, the name had seemed pretty cool, a fact that embarrassed him to no end after growing up. Now though... now he was just using the name out of spite.
Looking up above at the ceiling at nobody in particular, Han Xuhan let out a dry chuckle and met little Tian's empty eye sockets.
"Hello, there. How do you do?"
The owl silently stared back at him for a good five seconds before answering.
"Trash ."
Han Xuhan's mouth twitched. What a surprise...It was time to establish who was the bigger asshat here.
"Hahaha, how adorable! Guess what? You'll be serving this trash from now on. Wonder what that makes you, little Tian."
The owl let out an enraged screech and dived at Xuhan like a bullet.
"Trash, watch your mouth or I'll stitch it up for you!"
Just as its artificially sharpened wings were about to touch Xuhan's face, it vanished into thin air, much to Xuhan's amusement. About seven seconds later, the owl reappeared behind Xuhan and crashed into the wall of the hut which was magically strengthened for the convenience of regular cultivators with superhuman strength.
"Trash, you dare!" The owl screamed. The scene would have been more perfect if it could vomit blood, but alas...
"Give up, weakling. My Jedi powers are beyond your imagination. I have the higher ground!" Han Xuhan laughed derisively as he turned around to face the owl crawling on the ground. At some point during the fight, he had taken out his lightsabe-walking stick from its stylish sheath.
Twirling it in his hand, Xuhan pointed a finger at the skeletal bird and said, "Resist as much as you want. But we both know that I'm superior in every way. According to the biologists, the physique of birds isn't as refined as the physique of humans. To top that off, you're a dead bird. Why go against natural order?"
The owl, which had been preparing to unleash another wave of attacks, both verbal and practical, suddenly paused and turned to look at its senior brother Zhanxian, who had been attracted back into the room by the commotion.
"What the fuck? Big brother, you told me he wasn't right in the head! But this guy is...What the fuck is he even talking about? Jedi powers? Did cultivation change its name when I was asleep? And the rest...what is that even supposed to mean?"
Zhanxian laughed in schadenfreude.
"Cry about it, 'Little Tian'."
"HOW DARE YOU! I'LL NOT ACCEPT SUCH A CHILDISH NAME! DIE FOR ME!"
The owl again flew at Xuhan with incredible speed, and the previous scene repeated itself. Again and again, Xuhan and Zhanxian took turns in mercilessly teasing little Tian, driving the poor thing mad with fury and indignation.
"Hmph! Is that it? I hope you can take more. We've got the whole night ahead of us, and I've held myself back for a chance like this my whole life. Hahaha!"
"...Master, I was enjoying this until you opened your mouth. Why did you have to make it sound so fucked up?"
Xuhan slapped Zhanxian on the back of his cranium.
"Damned degenerate, stop thinking with your di-wait, hehehe..."
"Did you have to rub that in, master?"
"Well, between the two of us, I'm the only one who can rub it in, in more ways than one, see?"
Leaving a snickering Xuhan behind, Zhanxian stomped out of the room back to the kitchen.
"Hmph, scamper back to the kitchen. That's where you belong, coward!" Xuhan said behind him and focused back on the owl. It was now lying on the ground lifelessly, looking as devastated as a skeletal bird can.
"What about you? Still want to rebel against your master?"
"...For now, I'll accept your tyranny, you demon!"
"Attaboy." Xuhan clapped his palms together.
"Now tell me about yourself. Don't bother with the name; I got one for you. A magnificent name for a servant of my magnificent self. TUN! SHI! TIAN!" Xuhan laughed uproariously, spreading his hands apart like a protagonist summoning their ace weapon.
"...Hey, that's actually not a bad name. I just disagree with the nickname. I'm a buff, healthy man. You shouldn't call me little Tian."
Han Xuhan was caught off guard, but he snorted immediately and continued to pressure the owl into giving in.
"I see no proof of your manhood, other than your voice which should belong to a young teen, either male or female; it's hard to tell. You owls all sound the same to me. Why would I believe you?"
"So racist! I don't have any reason to lie about this, damn you!"
"Alright, alright, stop crying, my buff, healthy, totally male minion. If you behave, maybe I'll change your nickname into something more manly. Now talk about yourself. What do you remember from the time before I summoned you? What do you think your identity is?"
The owl maintained its silence for a while, seemingly contemplating its situation and thinking things through.
"I was a nameless soul, floating along the curves of the heavenly river without memories, or an aim, nor thoughts for countless years. I do not know who I am, but I understand much, and recognize things that I have no memory of.
After gaining my consciousness within that tower you restrain me in, I contemplated on what makes me so special, such an oddity. Perhaps I am an emissary chosen by the celestials in heaven, a son of destiny, a fated man on a mission.
But alas, alas, alas; what an irony of fate it is that I have been captured by a devil like you before I could set out on my journey. Tell me, demon, in my place, could you accept such a twist of fate? Could you accept being forced to serve a talentless trash as a cannon fodder?"
At this point, Xuhan cast a dark look at the kitchen. Did Zhanxian really describe him as a trash to this edgelord? No wonder his first-ever conversation with the owl started like that...
"But perhaps this was also meant to be. Perhaps you shall be my stepping stone, the catalyst that will guide me on my way. Hmmm...I understand now, this is all a test from the heavens. For now, I'll choose to serve you. But I'll prevail one day and gain my freedom, demon! Remember that!" The owl finished its lamentations passionately, glaring at Xuhan the whole time.
"Very cute. I'll never forget this challenge, minion, you remember that!"
Xuhan clicked his tongue and canceled the summoning spell, sending the owl back to his dao tower.
That was quite an interesting conversation. This new minion seemed to be an ideal main character type of generic xianxia novels, except he was trapped in the body of a bird.
Just like Zhanxian, little Tian had the general common sense of any normal human, but lacked the memory of how he had gotten them.
Han Xuhan had always been quite curious about his cultivation technique. It was unnaturally simple compared to most of the techniques he had seen so far. The most ridiculous bit was the enormous world of the red sun that housed countless souls.
From little Tian's words...could that sun be the heavenly river? But how could a ginormous sphere like that be called a river? Metaphoric descriptions, perhaps?
Sighing, Xuhan shelved the clues for another day and decided to cultivate while Zhanxian cooked. He was tired. He just wanted to eat and sleep today.
"Why is the world so complicated? Why can't things be simpler? I just wanted to become a businessman. It wasn't even anything remotely illegal. Why did it have to involve some mysterious heavenly tribulation? Do the heavens hate me? Oh wait..."
Lamenting his luck, Xuhan walked back to his hut sluggishly. Once the whole fiasco with Yuen Zhou's lecture had taken place, it had attracted the attention of every living being in the sect. Sect master Xuan Zi himself had come running, panic written all over his usually serene face.
After being briefed by a dazed Han Xuhan about the situation, sect master Xuan Zi had dragged Yuen Zhou away immediately with the rest of the curious elders following behind them.
Numbly, Xuhan had instructed the dumbstruck disciples to pack their things up and left with his teaching materials and props.
"On the bright side, that lecture was impressive as hell. Maybe that'll actually help my business scheme..."
Han Xuhan consoled himself and entered his hut, tired after the hectic experience. Feeling hungry, he summoned Zhanxian again to cook for him. Soundlessly, the skeleton jumped out of his back and landed on the ground.
"How did it go, master? The lecture I mean."
"Incredible!" Xuhan answered.
"...Ah well, I was expecting it to be some sort of a disaster for some reason. Guess I was wrong, master."
"....Cook."
Zhanxian gave a mock salute and added as an afterthought, "You might want to have a chat with your new minion. Have fun!"
Eyes narrowed with suspicion, Xuhan summoned the skeletal owl as Zhanxian entered the kitchen and started rummaging through their stocks.
After a few seconds, the odd sound of bony wings flapping in the air behind him told him that the owl had appeared.
Turning around, Han Xuhan found himself face to face with his latest creation, an owl with red bones that could somehow fly despite the lack of feathers. It confirmed his suspicions of the fact that his minions were somehow exempted from regular laws of physics. As the skeleton of a human, Zhanxian could move and speak like living humans, and as the skeleton of an owl, Tun Shi Tian could fly.
That's right. Han Xuhan had already decided what to call his second minion. After a lot of thinking, he had come up with this name. Although he wasn't a Chinese in his previous life, he had learned a lot of redundant Chinese nouns that couldn't really be used in real life, thanks to the webnovels.
As far as he could tell, Tun Shi Tian meant 'Heaven Devouring'. During his edgy teen phase back on earth, the name had seemed pretty cool, a fact that embarrassed him to no end after growing up. Now though... now he was just using the name out of spite.
Looking up above at the ceiling at nobody in particular, Han Xuhan let out a dry chuckle and met little Tian's empty eye sockets.
"Hello, there. How do you do?"
The owl silently stared back at him for a good five seconds before answering.
"Trash ."
Han Xuhan's mouth twitched. What a surprise...It was time to establish who was the bigger asshat here.
"Hahaha, how adorable! Guess what? You'll be serving this trash from now on. Wonder what that makes you, little Tian."
The owl let out an enraged screech and dived at Xuhan like a bullet.
"Trash, watch your mouth or I'll stitch it up for you!"
Just as its artificially sharpened wings were about to touch Xuhan's face, it vanished into thin air, much to Xuhan's amusement. About seven seconds later, the owl reappeared behind Xuhan and crashed into the wall of the hut which was magically strengthened for the convenience of regular cultivators with superhuman strength.
"Trash, you dare!" The owl screamed. The scene would have been more perfect if it could vomit blood, but alas...
"Give up, weakling. My Jedi powers are beyond your imagination. I have the higher ground!" Han Xuhan laughed derisively as he turned around to face the owl crawling on the ground. At some point during the fight, he had taken out his lightsabe-walking stick from its stylish sheath.
Twirling it in his hand, Xuhan pointed a finger at the skeletal bird and said, "Resist as much as you want. But we both know that I'm superior in every way. According to the biologists, the physique of birds isn't as refined as the physique of humans. To top that off, you're a dead bird. Why go against natural order?"
The owl, which had been preparing to unleash another wave of attacks, both verbal and practical, suddenly paused and turned to look at its senior brother Zhanxian, who had been attracted back into the room by the commotion.
"What the fuck? Big brother, you told me he wasn't right in the head! But this guy is...What the fuck is he even talking about? Jedi powers? Did cultivation change its name when I was asleep? And the rest...what is that even supposed to mean?"
Zhanxian laughed in schadenfreude.
"Cry about it, 'Little Tian'."
"HOW DARE YOU! I'LL NOT ACCEPT SUCH A CHILDISH NAME! DIE FOR ME!"
The owl again flew at Xuhan with incredible speed, and the previous scene repeated itself. Again and again, Xuhan and Zhanxian took turns in mercilessly teasing little Tian, driving the poor thing mad with fury and indignation.
"Hmph! Is that it? I hope you can take more. We've got the whole night ahead of us, and I've held myself back for a chance like this my whole life. Hahaha!"
"...Master, I was enjoying this until you opened your mouth. Why did you have to make it sound so fucked up?"
Xuhan slapped Zhanxian on the back of his cranium.
"Damned degenerate, stop thinking with your di-wait, hehehe..."
"Did you have to rub that in, master?"
"Well, between the two of us, I'm the only one who can rub it in, in more ways than one, see?"
Leaving a snickering Xuhan behind, Zhanxian stomped out of the room back to the kitchen.
"Hmph, scamper back to the kitchen. That's where you belong, coward!" Xuhan said behind him and focused back on the owl. It was now lying on the ground lifelessly, looking as devastated as a skeletal bird can.
"What about you? Still want to rebel against your master?"
"...For now, I'll accept your tyranny, you demon!"
"Attaboy." Xuhan clapped his palms together.
"Now tell me about yourself. Don't bother with the name; I got one for you. A magnificent name for a servant of my magnificent self. TUN! SHI! TIAN!" Xuhan laughed uproariously, spreading his hands apart like a protagonist summoning their ace weapon.
"...Hey, that's actually not a bad name. I just disagree with the nickname. I'm a buff, healthy man. You shouldn't call me little Tian."
Han Xuhan was caught off guard, but he snorted immediately and continued to pressure the owl into giving in.
"I see no proof of your manhood, other than your voice which should belong to a young teen, either male or female; it's hard to tell. You owls all sound the same to me. Why would I believe you?"
"So racist! I don't have any reason to lie about this, damn you!"
"Alright, alright, stop crying, my buff, healthy, totally male minion. If you behave, maybe I'll change your nickname into something more manly. Now talk about yourself. What do you remember from the time before I summoned you? What do you think your identity is?"
The owl maintained its silence for a while, seemingly contemplating its situation and thinking things through.
"I was a nameless soul, floating along the curves of the heavenly river without memories, or an aim, nor thoughts for countless years. I do not know who I am, but I understand much, and recognize things that I have no memory of.
After gaining my consciousness within that tower you restrain me in, I contemplated on what makes me so special, such an oddity. Perhaps I am an emissary chosen by the celestials in heaven, a son of destiny, a fated man on a mission.
But alas, alas, alas; what an irony of fate it is that I have been captured by a devil like you before I could set out on my journey. Tell me, demon, in my place, could you accept such a twist of fate? Could you accept being forced to serve a talentless trash as a cannon fodder?"
At this point, Xuhan cast a dark look at the kitchen. Did Zhanxian really describe him as a trash to this edgelord? No wonder his first-ever conversation with the owl started like that...
"But perhaps this was also meant to be. Perhaps you shall be my stepping stone, the catalyst that will guide me on my way. Hmmm...I understand now, this is all a test from the heavens. For now, I'll choose to serve you. But I'll prevail one day and gain my freedom, demon! Remember that!" The owl finished its lamentations passionately, glaring at Xuhan the whole time.
"Very cute. I'll never forget this challenge, minion, you remember that!"
Xuhan clicked his tongue and canceled the summoning spell, sending the owl back to his dao tower.
That was quite an interesting conversation. This new minion seemed to be an ideal main character type of generic xianxia novels, except he was trapped in the body of a bird.
Just like Zhanxian, little Tian had the general common sense of any normal human, but lacked the memory of how he had gotten them.
Han Xuhan had always been quite curious about his cultivation technique. It was unnaturally simple compared to most of the techniques he had seen so far. The most ridiculous bit was the enormous world of the red sun that housed countless souls.
From little Tian's words...could that sun be the heavenly river? But how could a ginormous sphere like that be called a river? Metaphoric descriptions, perhaps?
Sighing, Xuhan shelved the clues for another day and decided to cultivate while Zhanxian cooked. He was tired. He just wanted to eat and sleep today.
