Later, no matter how Sheng Xia insisted, Shi Ye refused the invitation to stay at his place.
Sheng Xia’s birthday was the second day Shi Ye moved out.
Shi Ye’s memory of being eighteen was quite vague. At that time, he was confused all day, often getting into fights and arguments, his temper was extremely volatile, a typical delinquent youth. On his birthday, he seemed to be drunk, and that night he seemed to have gone to the usual restaurant with Xie Hong and a few other acquaintances, just passing it by.
Life cannot be relived, and neither can being eighteen. Shi Ye actually thought that being eighteen did not represent adulthood. Growing up is too surreal; it has nothing to do with age. People are shaped by society; some grow up overnight, some can remain naive for a lifetime, it’s all fate.
He couldn’t see any trace of maturity in Sheng Xia.
In his eyes, Sheng Xia was a very strange person. It’s not that Sheng Xia was immature; sometimes the things this kid said could leave people speechless.
It was like he was stopped in a world that others didn’t know, only he knew that world, and others couldn’t enter.
But how could someone who was so careless about life survive in society? They would definitely suffer. One day, as they walked on the street, if Shi Ye hadn’t been vigilant, Sheng Xia’s phone in his pocket would have been stolen. Afterward, Shi Ye scolded him, but Sheng Xia replied, “If he steals it, let him. Thieves also need to eat. Losing a phone doesn’t affect my life, but if he steals it, maybe he can have a good meal today. It seems like I did a good deed.”
Logic genius, Shi Ye was almost driven crazy by him. “…Do you think you’re a bodhisattva?”
Sheng Xia just smiled, “If he can steal it, it’s his skill. I don’t have the mood to worry about whether it will be stolen. It’s my lack of ability. We all have to rely on our own abilities.”
“You’re abetting a crime.”
Sheng Xia shrugged indifferently, “I just don’t have the mood to care too much about these… right and wrong, good and bad. I feel like my world can only accommodate a part of things, only things that belong to me. If you ask me to be cautious in life and guard against others, I will be distracted. A person can only hold a part of things; if there are too many, it will be full.”
That was his logic, only accommodating things related to himself. Suffering a loss? He didn’t care.
There were all kinds of people in the circle, especially those who play music, especially those like Shi Ye’s rock players, each one’s temperament was weirder than the other. But most of those weird behaviors could be traced, making people feel enlightened. Sheng Xia was different. Sheng Xia seemed different from everyone, sometimes you thought he was naive, sometimes you are convinced by his naivety, and sometimes you just didn’t understand him.
They didn’t say where they were going, just kept walking inside the ancient city, chatting, never running out of topics. Until it got dark, it was very late, and the entire ancient city was only lively in the bar street for foreigners, still chatting.
They passed by a quiet bar where a young resident singer was singing folk songs, the song was Old Wolf’s “Lover of the Wandering Singer.” There were outdoor tables and chairs outside, with dim lighting, and only a few customers.
Sheng Xia said, “Hong Jie told me that the beer here is good, brewed by some machine imported from Germany.”
Shi Ye stopped, asking, “Have you tried it?”
Sheng Xia shook his head. Shi Ye said, let’s each order a drink. No, forget it, your alcohol tolerance is too low, I’ll order one, let the owner bring an empty glass, pour you a little to taste, and we’ll both try it.
The owner was a foreigner but spoke Mandarin very well. He smoked Marlboro and offered one to Shi Ye, but didn’t offer one to Sheng Xia.
When they bought the alcohol, the owner glanced at Shi Ye a few times, glanced at Sheng Xia casually, and when pouring the alcohol, he kept looking at Shi Ye, asking where Shi Ye was from.
Shi Ye didn’t answer, just said, please give me another glass.
The owner said, “I’ll give you a glass for free.” He smiled strangely, making Sheng Xia feel a little strange.
Shi Ye still said, give me another empty glass, handed over the cash, and said, no need to return the change.
In the end, Shi Ye held a cup full of alcohol, Sheng Xia held an empty cup, and they left the bar, drinking on a table near the door. Shi Ye took a sip, then poured some into the empty cup for Sheng Xia.
Like feeding a cat.
Shi Ye said, “Tell me about yourself.”
Sheng Xia was puzzled, “What about me?”
“Just about yourself.” It was very hot, Shi Ye sweated a lot, but he didn’t wipe it off, “You’ve talked a lot. You talked about raising cats when you were young, about always reading comics during class with your desk mate, sneaking snacks, dating boys from the technical school, being found out by your parents. You talked about moving, your neighbors seemed to be Bai people. You talked about having a fruit tree in front of your old house, self-planted. I probably haven’t seen that kind of fruit; you said it’s called hydrangea fruit. You’ve talked about so much, but you haven’t talked about yourself.”
See, I remember it all.
“Me? I don’t have much to say.” Sheng Xia was a little puzzled, “And can a person be summed up in a few words?”
“What I mean is, I want to know you.” Shi Ye suddenly wanted to smoke, “You’ve talked a lot, seemingly related to you, but they don’t belong to you.”
“How could that be? Those… actually are about me, a part of me. It seems unrelated to me, but I revolve around these things, my life is so trivial and boring, unlike you, Teacher Shi Ye.” Sheng Xia seemed to be thinking far away, “I just experienced these. What else is needed to understand a person? I’m not sure.”
After a moment of silence, Shi Ye nodded as if in agreement.
“I don’t know either,” Shi Ye swirled his glass, “Maybe it’s what you like to eat, what you hate to eat, what movies you watch, what music you listen to, what books you read, what hobbies you have? Forget it, it sounds really cliché.”
Sheng Xia widened his eyes and laughed, “Teacher Shi Ye, I thought you were going to say: Maybe it’s where your family is, how many people are in your family, your income, what education you have. Oh, that’s even more cliché.”
“Do I look that mundane? I’m not interested in those.” Shi Ye followed his laughter, pointing at the glass, “This beer is really good. Strangely, the beer I drink here always seems to have the aroma of wheat.”
“The fresh beer is much better. My dad used to work in a brewery. When I was young, every time he came back from work, he smelled really nice, like the scent of alcohol.” Sheng Xia’s gaze became distant, as if he was seeing something through Shi Ye. He changed the subject, “Teacher Shi Ye, what do you want to ask me?”
What to ask? He didn’t know. Shi Ye had no reason to establish some connection with Sheng Xia, no reason not to return to Beijing, no reason to stay. A few days seemed too short, as if it weren’t enough for love, not enough to give, not enough to promise. How to make it happen? Isn’t the beginning of a story always about understanding?
At least a reason is needed. Whether to stay or leave.
Shi Ye felt it was only natural. So he said, “Let’s change the way we talk. If you were to write an autobiography about yourself, recording everything about you up to now, what would you write?”
Sheng Xia fell silent. He was lost in thought for a long time, and Shi Ye just watched him in his reverie.
Shi Ye watched closely, looking at Sheng Xia’s eyes, nose, mouth, looking at his still reddened skin, looking at his seemingly contemplative, wind-blown hair.
Sheng Xia remained silent for a long time. Finally, he said, “The beer’s gone. I’ll go get another one, and this time, it’s on me.”
It was agreed to be just one drink, but he came back with two full glasses.
Shi Ye didn’t get a chance to intervene, because Sheng Xia began telling his autobiography.
“The first sentence of the autobiography would be, ‘In my life, it seems to be of no consequence. I don’t know what I need, I don’t know what I’m pursuing, so I envy the wind.’ Can I call myself ‘he’? It seems more objective that way, and I won’t feel embarrassed.”
Shi Ye felt himself drawn into a strange atmosphere, and he began to feel increasingly hot.
He said, “Okay.”
“How should I describe him? Should I start with his personality?” Sheng Xia tilted his head, “He doesn’t have much of a temper. Is that how you say it? Temper. He seems to be someone who doesn’t care about anything. Late for school? He doesn’t care. The food in the cafeteria? He doesn’t care. Classmates say he’s weird? He doesn’t care. What clothes to wear? He doesn’t care. Winter or summer? He doesn’t care. He seems to have always been someone who lives indifferently, as if he’s expendable.”
“What kind of feeling is that? It might be a bit negative,” Sheng Xia took a sip of beer and licked his lips, “It’s like feeling that this world is meaningless, as if there’s nothing important, and everything is meaningless. Grades? Future? Progress? Ideas? Money? Power? Politics? All that mess, back and forth, interactions, conversations, they don’t make him happy, they just make him uncomfortable. He seems to be suspended, stuck in the contradictions of the world, feeling that everything he sees is an illusion of life. People always make things complicated over unnecessary matters, which is too boring.”
“When he was a child, his father died, and he didn’t cry. His mother hit him, then hugged him and said ‘I love you,’ but he still didn’t cry. At that time, he felt really strange, he couldn’t cry, but later he got sick, had a fever, and got very sick. His mother said that during those days of illness, he cried in his sleep all the time. Was that him? He didn’t know, he seemed to not even understand himself.”
Sheng Xia’s brows furrowed slightly. Shi Ye watched him, his gaze becoming deeper, more profound, and closer.
“A lot of people don’t understand themselves,” Shi Ye sighed in his tone, “Maybe they never will in their lifetime.”
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the corner of the street, where a vendor selling tofu pudding was arguing with a customer, and some urban management officers approached in their vehicle.
They watched the commotion for a while, and their glasses were both nearly half-empty again.
Sheng Xia continued, “He envies the wind a lot. The wind can pass through all four seasons, go anywhere, kiss everything, the whole world is like that, as if always wandering, and won’t die. It doesn’t have a purpose, right? It doesn’t exist for anything, it just exists, to make people feel. Does it have emotions? But it doesn’t grow old, it lives so freely.”
Sheng Xia began to pinch his own fingers, feeling the calluses on them.
“His life so far has been very boring. He has always been a very casual, clumsy person, living an average life. When he was young, he liked to touch his parents’ ears when he slept, liked to draw, but he couldn’t draw well. He liked the piano, liked pleasant sounds. He’s nearsighted and can’t see clearly. His name is Sheng Xia, but he prefers the winter of his hometown.”
Shi Ye chuckled, “I also think you look very wintery.”
“Really?” Sheng Xia also laughed, “Hmm… Let me continue. If I were to sum it up nicely, his personality is unique, but poorly, he goes against the norm. Actually, he is very frustrated with himself. Living such a boring life, obviously insignificant, it’s like it wouldn’t matter if he died tomorrow, isn’t it boring? He thought he would always be like this, ordinary, drifting along, with no spiritual world, and not doing well in his studies. Very ordinary, just like most people.”
Shi Ye raised an eyebrow, “I guess there will be a ‘but’ coming up.”
“Stories are always like this! Teachers in class would also say: ‘But what comes next is the main point, the part to be tested on.'” Sheng Xia’s eyes seemed to brighten, and he seemed a little embarrassed, “And then… the ‘but’ in his life came. He suddenly began to have something he loved, he began to like a band, it just happened.”
“This is too sudden.”
“Many things are sudden…” Sheng Xia pondered, “Or maybe it feels sudden afterward? At the time, it happened slowly, it’s just that memories change, and that moment becomes more important. Using ‘sudden’ seems to emphasize its significance, because it’s a change.”
Shi Ye nodded. “Please continue.”
“He felt it was something particularly pure, the songs of that band. There were some things in them—very primitive, hard to describe in words. Like fire, something that burns continuously… but it was dark, very dim, yet within that dimness, there was a cry for help, very contradictory, right? He felt the songs conveyed a very vigorous yet dark vitality.”
Sheng Xia frowned, choosing his words carefully and speaking slowly, leaving Shi Ye in a daze.
“He felt like the people writing those songs were using them to send out distress signals, but not saying: ‘Come save me.’ Instead, it’s like saying, ‘Quickly understand me, come be my ally, my accomplice.'” Sheng Xia seemed to find his metaphor amusing as he chuckled, then became serious again. “He felt like he understood the band, but at the time, it was just a feeling, he couldn’t describe it.”
Shi Ye said, “You describe, I’ll try to understand.”
“Okay.” Sheng Xia nodded. “He actually listens to that song very rarely now. The song is called ‘Universe.’ Because every time he listens, he feels that the person singing it is very lonely. Every time he listens, he feels sad. How could it be so hollow, so vast? Rock music should usually make people excited, but that person’s songs aren’t purely passionate, there’s ice in the middle, there’s the kind of heat that comes with heavy snow, cold and hot, cold and bright… Ah, what am I talking about, can you understand?”
Suddenly, really suddenly. Emphasis.
Shi Ye felt like he had suddenly been torn open. Torn open, then ensnared by something, tightly wrapped around.
“You…” Shi Ye’s throat felt bitter. The beer he drank before turned bitter in his throat. He didn’t know what to say. “Please continue.”
“Okay.” Sheng Xia’s tone became lighter. “He felt that kind of loneliness was very similar to himself… Can’t say similar, just like what I said earlier, the feeling of being allies, like finding a fellow conspirator. Listening to that person sing, he felt like the world was reduced to just him and the singer, and there was only them in the world, and the order of that world belonged to them. Even if he couldn’t see that person, didn’t know them, never talked to them, he still felt very happy.”
“The turning point in his autobiography was that band and the singer, because that person changed his life. Why are you looking at me like that? It’s true, it’s like a belief. People are afraid of loneliness. If there’s a friend, a fellow conspirator, a star in the sky, you look at the star…”
Shi Ye couldn’t help but interrupt, “Isn’t that a bit exaggerated?”
Sheng Xia shook his head, sounding very certain. “Not exaggerated. His life only lasted seventeen years, and in those years he remembers, he was accompanied by that star. He always, always needed that star, that accomplice. He was too ordinary, he needed a belief, a distant place, to save his ordinary life.”
The beer was almost finished. Shi Ye wasn’t drunk, how could this little beer make him drunk? But it was as if he saw a hallucination… he knew he had been consumed by something, tightly bound, and he watched as that thing twisted and screamed, saying, “Shi Ye, Shi Ye, you’re done for, you’re moved, you’re touched, your heart beats faster, heavier, fuller, it’s not yours anymore, you’re becoming vain, complacent, embarrassed, exposed, you’re drowning, you’re about to be manipulated.”
Shi Ye watched as his story and Sheng Xia’s story merged together. Heavens. Should I save you? Then who will save me? Why not just die together, die on this night.
Shi Ye wiped the sweat from his palm. Finally, he said, “This isn’t your autobiography, there’s too much of that person in it.”
Sheng Xia didn’t mind. He smiled beautifully and said, “So I said understanding seems meaningless. What I said is clearly all about myself, about him. That person is a part of me, composing me, composing him. That person is important, a part of the structure… sigh, so why bother understanding each other, isn’t it hard to understand?”
He rambled. He he he, who exactly is he? Is it you? Or is it me?
Shi Ye nodded. Suddenly, he laughed and said, “It is difficult, it seems I haven’t fully understood.”
“It’s okay not to understand.” Sheng Xia finished his drink. “Understanding is difficult, people are too.”
Shi Ye agreed, “Yeah, it’s okay.”
Indeed, he didn’t understand, but he seemed to have fallen in love with this lack of understanding.
Shi Ye knew he had fallen into resonance, into a soft atmosphere. He had an illusion, feeling that everything was natural, inevitable, undeniable like a law or truth.
How could he deny it?
Suddenly, he sighed with relief.
He looked at his watch. Just a few seconds past twelve. Was even the heavens orchestrating this perfect moment? The bar’s wandering singer’s lover had finished singing long ago, the singer probably finished work, and now John Lennon’s “Oh My Love” was playing inside. Damn it, even the background music was here, everything was forcing him to admit it, was it fate? Coincidences couldn’t be so coincidental, coincidences couldn’t coincide among millions of people, yet it was you and me, it was now.
Heavens.
There was still a bit of beer in the glass. Shi Ye raised his glass and clinked it with Sheng Xia’s. A crisp sound, was it the sound of dreams breaking?
The wind was warm, embracing him, kissing his face. Too warm, he kept sweating. It wasn’t sweat, it was summer’s tears, summer’s nectar, enveloping him, as if saying:
Hello, do you see it? It’s summer now, it’s the season, it’s also me, welcome to our world.
In the hot wind, Shi Ye said to Sheng Xia, “It’s time.”
Their glasses kissed each other.
Sheng Xia didn’t react, “What time?”
“The summer solstice.” Shi Ye smiled, but his tone was solemn, as if he were taking an oath. “Happy birthday, my accomplice.”
Later, no matter how Sheng Xia insisted, Shi Ye refused the invitation to stay at his place.
Sheng Xia’s birthday was the second day Shi Ye moved out.
Shi Ye’s memory of being eighteen was quite vague. At that time, he was confused all day, often getting into fights and arguments, his temper was extremely volatile, a typical delinquent youth. On his birthday, he seemed to be drunk, and that night he seemed to have gone to the usual restaurant with Xie Hong and a few other acquaintances, just passing it by.
Life cannot be relived, and neither can being eighteen. Shi Ye actually thought that being eighteen did not represent adulthood. Growing up is too surreal; it has nothing to do with age. People are shaped by society; some grow up overnight, some can remain naive for a lifetime, it’s all fate.
He couldn’t see any trace of maturity in Sheng Xia.
In his eyes, Sheng Xia was a very strange person. It’s not that Sheng Xia was immature; sometimes the things this kid said could leave people speechless.
It was like he was stopped in a world that others didn’t know, only he knew that world, and others couldn’t enter.
But how could someone who was so careless about life survive in society? They would definitely suffer. One day, as they walked on the street, if Shi Ye hadn’t been vigilant, Sheng Xia’s phone in his pocket would have been stolen. Afterward, Shi Ye scolded him, but Sheng Xia replied, “If he steals it, let him. Thieves also need to eat. Losing a phone doesn’t affect my life, but if he steals it, maybe he can have a good meal today. It seems like I did a good deed.”
Logic genius, Shi Ye was almost driven crazy by him. “…Do you think you’re a bodhisattva?”
Sheng Xia just smiled, “If he can steal it, it’s his skill. I don’t have the mood to worry about whether it will be stolen. It’s my lack of ability. We all have to rely on our own abilities.”
“You’re abetting a crime.”
Sheng Xia shrugged indifferently, “I just don’t have the mood to care too much about these… right and wrong, good and bad. I feel like my world can only accommodate a part of things, only things that belong to me. If you ask me to be cautious in life and guard against others, I will be distracted. A person can only hold a part of things; if there are too many, it will be full.”
That was his logic, only accommodating things related to himself. Suffering a loss? He didn’t care.
There were all kinds of people in the circle, especially those who play music, especially those like Shi Ye’s rock players, each one’s temperament was weirder than the other. But most of those weird behaviors could be traced, making people feel enlightened. Sheng Xia was different. Sheng Xia seemed different from everyone, sometimes you thought he was naive, sometimes you are convinced by his naivety, and sometimes you just didn’t understand him.
They didn’t say where they were going, just kept walking inside the ancient city, chatting, never running out of topics. Until it got dark, it was very late, and the entire ancient city was only lively in the bar street for foreigners, still chatting.
They passed by a quiet bar where a young resident singer was singing folk songs, the song was Old Wolf’s “Lover of the Wandering Singer.” There were outdoor tables and chairs outside, with dim lighting, and only a few customers.
Sheng Xia said, “Hong Jie told me that the beer here is good, brewed by some machine imported from Germany.”
Shi Ye stopped, asking, “Have you tried it?”
Sheng Xia shook his head. Shi Ye said, let’s each order a drink. No, forget it, your alcohol tolerance is too low, I’ll order one, let the owner bring an empty glass, pour you a little to taste, and we’ll both try it.
The owner was a foreigner but spoke Mandarin very well. He smoked Marlboro and offered one to Shi Ye, but didn’t offer one to Sheng Xia.
When they bought the alcohol, the owner glanced at Shi Ye a few times, glanced at Sheng Xia casually, and when pouring the alcohol, he kept looking at Shi Ye, asking where Shi Ye was from.
Shi Ye didn’t answer, just said, please give me another glass.
The owner said, “I’ll give you a glass for free.” He smiled strangely, making Sheng Xia feel a little strange.
Shi Ye still said, give me another empty glass, handed over the cash, and said, no need to return the change.
In the end, Shi Ye held a cup full of alcohol, Sheng Xia held an empty cup, and they left the bar, drinking on a table near the door. Shi Ye took a sip, then poured some into the empty cup for Sheng Xia.
Like feeding a cat.
Shi Ye said, “Tell me about yourself.”
Sheng Xia was puzzled, “What about me?”
“Just about yourself.” It was very hot, Shi Ye sweated a lot, but he didn’t wipe it off, “You’ve talked a lot. You talked about raising cats when you were young, about always reading comics during class with your desk mate, sneaking snacks, dating boys from the technical school, being found out by your parents. You talked about moving, your neighbors seemed to be Bai people. You talked about having a fruit tree in front of your old house, self-planted. I probably haven’t seen that kind of fruit; you said it’s called hydrangea fruit. You’ve talked about so much, but you haven’t talked about yourself.”
See, I remember it all.
“Me? I don’t have much to say.” Sheng Xia was a little puzzled, “And can a person be summed up in a few words?”
“What I mean is, I want to know you.” Shi Ye suddenly wanted to smoke, “You’ve talked a lot, seemingly related to you, but they don’t belong to you.”
“How could that be? Those… actually are about me, a part of me. It seems unrelated to me, but I revolve around these things, my life is so trivial and boring, unlike you, Teacher Shi Ye.” Sheng Xia seemed to be thinking far away, “I just experienced these. What else is needed to understand a person? I’m not sure.”
After a moment of silence, Shi Ye nodded as if in agreement.
“I don’t know either,” Shi Ye swirled his glass, “Maybe it’s what you like to eat, what you hate to eat, what movies you watch, what music you listen to, what books you read, what hobbies you have? Forget it, it sounds really cliché.”
Sheng Xia widened his eyes and laughed, “Teacher Shi Ye, I thought you were going to say: Maybe it’s where your family is, how many people are in your family, your income, what education you have. Oh, that’s even more cliché.”
“Do I look that mundane? I’m not interested in those.” Shi Ye followed his laughter, pointing at the glass, “This beer is really good. Strangely, the beer I drink here always seems to have the aroma of wheat.”
“The fresh beer is much better. My dad used to work in a brewery. When I was young, every time he came back from work, he smelled really nice, like the scent of alcohol.” Sheng Xia’s gaze became distant, as if he was seeing something through Shi Ye. He changed the subject, “Teacher Shi Ye, what do you want to ask me?”
What to ask? He didn’t know. Shi Ye had no reason to establish some connection with Sheng Xia, no reason not to return to Beijing, no reason to stay. A few days seemed too short, as if it weren’t enough for love, not enough to give, not enough to promise. How to make it happen? Isn’t the beginning of a story always about understanding?
At least a reason is needed. Whether to stay or leave.
Shi Ye felt it was only natural. So he said, “Let’s change the way we talk. If you were to write an autobiography about yourself, recording everything about you up to now, what would you write?”
Sheng Xia fell silent. He was lost in thought for a long time, and Shi Ye just watched him in his reverie.
Shi Ye watched closely, looking at Sheng Xia’s eyes, nose, mouth, looking at his still reddened skin, looking at his seemingly contemplative, wind-blown hair.
Sheng Xia remained silent for a long time. Finally, he said, “The beer’s gone. I’ll go get another one, and this time, it’s on me.”
It was agreed to be just one drink, but he came back with two full glasses.
Shi Ye didn’t get a chance to intervene, because Sheng Xia began telling his autobiography.
“The first sentence of the autobiography would be, ‘In my life, it seems to be of no consequence. I don’t know what I need, I don’t know what I’m pursuing, so I envy the wind.’ Can I call myself ‘he’? It seems more objective that way, and I won’t feel embarrassed.”
Shi Ye felt himself drawn into a strange atmosphere, and he began to feel increasingly hot.
He said, “Okay.”
“How should I describe him? Should I start with his personality?” Sheng Xia tilted his head, “He doesn’t have much of a temper. Is that how you say it? Temper. He seems to be someone who doesn’t care about anything. Late for school? He doesn’t care. The food in the cafeteria? He doesn’t care. Classmates say he’s weird? He doesn’t care. What clothes to wear? He doesn’t care. Winter or summer? He doesn’t care. He seems to have always been someone who lives indifferently, as if he’s expendable.”
“What kind of feeling is that? It might be a bit negative,” Sheng Xia took a sip of beer and licked his lips, “It’s like feeling that this world is meaningless, as if there’s nothing important, and everything is meaningless. Grades? Future? Progress? Ideas? Money? Power? Politics? All that mess, back and forth, interactions, conversations, they don’t make him happy, they just make him uncomfortable. He seems to be suspended, stuck in the contradictions of the world, feeling that everything he sees is an illusion of life. People always make things complicated over unnecessary matters, which is too boring.”
“When he was a child, his father died, and he didn’t cry. His mother hit him, then hugged him and said ‘I love you,’ but he still didn’t cry. At that time, he felt really strange, he couldn’t cry, but later he got sick, had a fever, and got very sick. His mother said that during those days of illness, he cried in his sleep all the time. Was that him? He didn’t know, he seemed to not even understand himself.”
Sheng Xia’s brows furrowed slightly. Shi Ye watched him, his gaze becoming deeper, more profound, and closer.
“A lot of people don’t understand themselves,” Shi Ye sighed in his tone, “Maybe they never will in their lifetime.”
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the corner of the street, where a vendor selling tofu pudding was arguing with a customer, and some urban management officers approached in their vehicle.
They watched the commotion for a while, and their glasses were both nearly half-empty again.
Sheng Xia continued, “He envies the wind a lot. The wind can pass through all four seasons, go anywhere, kiss everything, the whole world is like that, as if always wandering, and won’t die. It doesn’t have a purpose, right? It doesn’t exist for anything, it just exists, to make people feel. Does it have emotions? But it doesn’t grow old, it lives so freely.”
Sheng Xia began to pinch his own fingers, feeling the calluses on them.
“His life so far has been very boring. He has always been a very casual, clumsy person, living an average life. When he was young, he liked to touch his parents’ ears when he slept, liked to draw, but he couldn’t draw well. He liked the piano, liked pleasant sounds. He’s nearsighted and can’t see clearly. His name is Sheng Xia, but he prefers the winter of his hometown.”
Shi Ye chuckled, “I also think you look very wintery.”
“Really?” Sheng Xia also laughed, “Hmm… Let me continue. If I were to sum it up nicely, his personality is unique, but poorly, he goes against the norm. Actually, he is very frustrated with himself. Living such a boring life, obviously insignificant, it’s like it wouldn’t matter if he died tomorrow, isn’t it boring? He thought he would always be like this, ordinary, drifting along, with no spiritual world, and not doing well in his studies. Very ordinary, just like most people.”
Shi Ye raised an eyebrow, “I guess there will be a ‘but’ coming up.”
“Stories are always like this! Teachers in class would also say: ‘But what comes next is the main point, the part to be tested on.'” Sheng Xia’s eyes seemed to brighten, and he seemed a little embarrassed, “And then… the ‘but’ in his life came. He suddenly began to have something he loved, he began to like a band, it just happened.”
“This is too sudden.”
“Many things are sudden…” Sheng Xia pondered, “Or maybe it feels sudden afterward? At the time, it happened slowly, it’s just that memories change, and that moment becomes more important. Using ‘sudden’ seems to emphasize its significance, because it’s a change.”
Shi Ye nodded. “Please continue.”
“He felt it was something particularly pure, the songs of that band. There were some things in them—very primitive, hard to describe in words. Like fire, something that burns continuously… but it was dark, very dim, yet within that dimness, there was a cry for help, very contradictory, right? He felt the songs conveyed a very vigorous yet dark vitality.”
Sheng Xia frowned, choosing his words carefully and speaking slowly, leaving Shi Ye in a daze.
“He felt like the people writing those songs were using them to send out distress signals, but not saying: ‘Come save me.’ Instead, it’s like saying, ‘Quickly understand me, come be my ally, my accomplice.'” Sheng Xia seemed to find his metaphor amusing as he chuckled, then became serious again. “He felt like he understood the band, but at the time, it was just a feeling, he couldn’t describe it.”
Shi Ye said, “You describe, I’ll try to understand.”
“Okay.” Sheng Xia nodded. “He actually listens to that song very rarely now. The song is called ‘Universe.’ Because every time he listens, he feels that the person singing it is very lonely. Every time he listens, he feels sad. How could it be so hollow, so vast? Rock music should usually make people excited, but that person’s songs aren’t purely passionate, there’s ice in the middle, there’s the kind of heat that comes with heavy snow, cold and hot, cold and bright… Ah, what am I talking about, can you understand?”
Suddenly, really suddenly. Emphasis.
Shi Ye felt like he had suddenly been torn open. Torn open, then ensnared by something, tightly wrapped around.
“You…” Shi Ye’s throat felt bitter. The beer he drank before turned bitter in his throat. He didn’t know what to say. “Please continue.”
“Okay.” Sheng Xia’s tone became lighter. “He felt that kind of loneliness was very similar to himself… Can’t say similar, just like what I said earlier, the feeling of being allies, like finding a fellow conspirator. Listening to that person sing, he felt like the world was reduced to just him and the singer, and there was only them in the world, and the order of that world belonged to them. Even if he couldn’t see that person, didn’t know them, never talked to them, he still felt very happy.”
“The turning point in his autobiography was that band and the singer, because that person changed his life. Why are you looking at me like that? It’s true, it’s like a belief. People are afraid of loneliness. If there’s a friend, a fellow conspirator, a star in the sky, you look at the star…”
Shi Ye couldn’t help but interrupt, “Isn’t that a bit exaggerated?”
Sheng Xia shook his head, sounding very certain. “Not exaggerated. His life only lasted seventeen years, and in those years he remembers, he was accompanied by that star. He always, always needed that star, that accomplice. He was too ordinary, he needed a belief, a distant place, to save his ordinary life.”
The beer was almost finished. Shi Ye wasn’t drunk, how could this little beer make him drunk? But it was as if he saw a hallucination… he knew he had been consumed by something, tightly bound, and he watched as that thing twisted and screamed, saying, “Shi Ye, Shi Ye, you’re done for, you’re moved, you’re touched, your heart beats faster, heavier, fuller, it’s not yours anymore, you’re becoming vain, complacent, embarrassed, exposed, you’re drowning, you’re about to be manipulated.”
Shi Ye watched as his story and Sheng Xia’s story merged together. Heavens. Should I save you? Then who will save me? Why not just die together, die on this night.
Shi Ye wiped the sweat from his palm. Finally, he said, “This isn’t your autobiography, there’s too much of that person in it.”
Sheng Xia didn’t mind. He smiled beautifully and said, “So I said understanding seems meaningless. What I said is clearly all about myself, about him. That person is a part of me, composing me, composing him. That person is important, a part of the structure… sigh, so why bother understanding each other, isn’t it hard to understand?”
He rambled. He he he, who exactly is he? Is it you? Or is it me?
Shi Ye nodded. Suddenly, he laughed and said, “It is difficult, it seems I haven’t fully understood.”
“It’s okay not to understand.” Sheng Xia finished his drink. “Understanding is difficult, people are too.”
Shi Ye agreed, “Yeah, it’s okay.”
Indeed, he didn’t understand, but he seemed to have fallen in love with this lack of understanding.
Shi Ye knew he had fallen into resonance, into a soft atmosphere. He had an illusion, feeling that everything was natural, inevitable, undeniable like a law or truth.
How could he deny it?
Suddenly, he sighed with relief.
He looked at his watch. Just a few seconds past twelve. Was even the heavens orchestrating this perfect moment? The bar’s wandering singer’s lover had finished singing long ago, the singer probably finished work, and now John Lennon’s “Oh My Love” was playing inside. Damn it, even the background music was here, everything was forcing him to admit it, was it fate? Coincidences couldn’t be so coincidental, coincidences couldn’t coincide among millions of people, yet it was you and me, it was now.
Heavens.
There was still a bit of beer in the glass. Shi Ye raised his glass and clinked it with Sheng Xia’s. A crisp sound, was it the sound of dreams breaking?
The wind was warm, embracing him, kissing his face. Too warm, he kept sweating. It wasn’t sweat, it was summer’s tears, summer’s nectar, enveloping him, as if saying:
Hello, do you see it? It’s summer now, it’s the season, it’s also me, welcome to our world.
In the hot wind, Shi Ye said to Sheng Xia, “It’s time.”
Their glasses kissed each other.
Sheng Xia didn’t react, “What time?”
“The summer solstice.” Shi Ye smiled, but his tone was solemn, as if he were taking an oath. “Happy birthday, my accomplice.”
