Chapter 38 - The Egotist's Way
It was after we arrived at the next inn town.
In the room where we’re staying, I asked a simple question.
“Why do we have to share a room when we can get four private ones?”
Milva pointed a finger at me.
“You’re underestimating Vana too much …… Al.”
“Ahhh …… no way …….”
Milva stomped hard on the floor.
“That’s how it is! That’s why, for my own peace of mind, I have to share a room with Al!”
Milva is breathing heavily, as if she was trying to force her point.
She’s the mourning woman, Silvana.
When I’m alone, they barge in on me, and the situation doesn’t change at all ……
After catching her breath, Milva turned her gaze to me.
“So how is it that the two of them look like they lack sleep?”
Do you want to put your finger on your mouth to shut off the sound? They shook their head in response.
If they’re listening anyway, I’ll tell them so they can hear.
I know they’re staying in the private room on either side.
I’m looking forward to his reaction.
“Well, isn’t it because I and Milva hugging and doing things. They were eavesdropping because they wanted to hear that voice.”
There was a slamming sound from both sides.
I knew it.
I shrugged my shoulders pretentiously.
“That’s it.”
Milva’s face turned red and she stiffened.
I chuckled at Milva.
“I think they’ll learn from this …… and not eavesdrop anymore.”
“What …… are you so not confident or something?”
She turned her head to the side, it may have been difficult to look directly at me.
I don’t know if it’s because she’s become strangely conscious, but I guess she’s a woman of her age, even if she is an elf.
“To be honest, I can’t measure the behavior of those two.”
Milva gave a little wicked laugh.
“I think those two need a good spanking.”
“Well …… In moderation, please.”
I’m not going to stop you, you’re more than qualified to punish and educate them.
As a continuation of yesterday’s conversation, I have one last thing to discuss.
I put my finger to my mouth and make eye contact.
Milva is silently casting an audio blocking spell.
Then, seeming to return to normalcy, she looked at me and opened her mouth.
“As I recall, Al said, “Apostles are only good for as long as they’re around”.”
“Yes, and to take it a step further, the world today is completely dependent on such a deleterious drug.”
Milva seemed surprised.
“You would go so far as to say that?”
“They are addicted to drugs, so they can’t live without them. If you try to stop them, they will attack you.”
“That’s true. But …… I’ve always suspected that it wasn’t perfect, but I’ve never thought of it as harmful. Before I knew it, I had become an enemy of the world. Is Al going to become an enemy of his own free will? There’s nothing good with it, you know?”
It’s already out of the realm of judging whether she’s friend or foe …….
I couldn’t help but chuckle.
“Drug addiction is the right way to be. If you have to admire it, then it’s no wonder you’re still alive.”
They are in a vegetative state or too old to support themselves and need to be taken care of by others.
They can’t even go to the bathroom by themselves.
If you still want to live, go ahead.
I don’t think I want to live in such a state.
If I said such a thing before my reincarnation, I’d be beaten to a pulp.
My thoughts are similar to the mentality of the ancient Romans.
If I get an incurable disease or something, and it becomes difficult for me to keep myself alive, I’ll stop eating and choose suicide.
I could honestly accept this idea.
Not only physical death but also mental death can be considered as such.
Although I deny this achievement, I can honestly nod my head to the actions of those who chose suicide as a shortcut.
If you have the right to live, you should have the right to choose death.
Milva gave me a surprised look.
“I heard that humans take care of themselves because their lifespan is short, but it seems to be the other way around.”
“We do.”
Milva looked at me as if she didn’t understand what I meant.
“You do, so …… you can’t help but continue living?”
I shake my head.
“If you’re forced to live unwillingly, that’s not living …… from my perspective. I value it, and that’s why I insist on quality.”
Milva looks unconvinced.
“Don’t we all have a few things in our lives that we don’t like? It’s impossible to do everything the way you want unless … you’re an apostle, you know?”
I’m just talking about myself, you know.
“Well …… it depends on the degree. You are forced to harm innocent people. If you refuse to do so, you will die. Or they persecute innocent people. If you don’t work together to persecute them, you will be socially ostracized. They force you to do something that you know is wrong. Otherwise, you can’t live. In such a situation, I don’t think it’s worth living. When I think of the time when that common sense will collapse… “At that time, that was unavoidable. It’s not my fault”. I don’t want to say that.”
It’s easy to say, but in reality, it’s very difficult.
I’ve seen documentaries about ex-Nazis who were involved in the Holocaust.
I’ve seen such a documentary.
I understand the feelings of the victims and the bereaved families who want retribution.
I’m sure It would be upsetting to see the person who did such a thing living happily ever after.
But… there were many people who had to do it because they were embedded in the system.
So I simply can’t say that all ex-Nazis at the end of the line are completely evil.
It will take decades to track them down and bring them to justice.
I feel uncomfortable saying that this is justice.
I guess I can say that simply because I have not experienced the misery.
The members at the end of the line who had no choice but to be included must have been unhappy.
At the same time, I think that the society that requires all Nazis to be called evil, even if they are at the end of the line, is also unhappy.
It has taken away the ability to think.
It is dangerous to judge evil objectively only when the crime is clearly committed.
Acts that look like retaliation give the logic to stand on the other side, which in turn gives them power.
It is also dangerous to ban people from talking about the Nazis themselves.
If it is to be banned, it should be as a result of identifying all acts and determining their merits.
When trust in the system that bans them is lost, the things that were banned without any clear logic will gain power.
Do you understand that?
Hearing my words, Milva slumped down helplessly.
“That’s certainly …… very painful. But isn’t it the will of the doer that the church harm innocent people to protect the reputation of the apostles? Isn’t that something that can be done thoroughly by command alone?”
I can’t communicate well logically.
It might have given a strange misunderstanding and made it seem like I was looking down on others.
But for now, I had no choice but to answer Milva’s question honestly.
“I wonder what that will is aiming at. I don’t mind protecting the reputation of the apostles themselves. I’ve heard about them all my life, and I’ve actually benefited from them. Then I can understand why you would protect your benefactor.”
I remembered Kiara, and I couldn’t help but take a merciless tone.
“I believe that the apostle is right, probably unconditionally. I’m sure that’s why they tried to protect their reputation. But do you really mean it if your premise is wrong? The benefactor was actually guilty. And I’m not allowed to point it out.”
I can’t seem to put it into words ……, but I can’t stop myself.
I opened my mouth.
“If they hadn’t decided the outcome in the first place and tried to erase anything inconvenient, none of that would have happened. Suppressing those who have doubts. Even if they think it’s strange, they are complicit out of self-preservation. If they know something is unnatural, they pretend they didn’t see it. I don’t think it’s evil, I just think … it’s probably not what they want.”
Milva sighed deeply and looked concerned, sensing the danger of my thought.
“Isn’t it easy to think that since such a person isn’t living, it’s okay to kill them? It feels to me like Al is deciding what people are worth.”
I’m not talking about other people, but I guess I shouldn’t have made such a strange analogy …… I shook my head.
“I’ve never felt so great as to be able to decide if someone lives or dies. If I were to get involved, it would be for retribution or emotional reasons. It’s not about superiority or value. My life and death are not material, they are conceptual.”
Milva looked at me as if she couldn’t understand.
“Aren’t you saying something very difficult?”
“I’m inexperienced at this …… I wish I could tell you more clearly.”
Milva laughed.
“The world’s standards are out of whack if a sixteen-year-old can think that much and still be experienced.”
Well, actually, I’m almost sixty.
“I’ll ask you a question. My parents were murdered by the church to cover up the evidence. When you know that, can you praise the apostles according to the common sense of the church and the world?”
“No, you can’t. Not if you know about it.”
I try to be as careful as possible not to sound too harsh.
“Can you live with that? Isn’t that an unwanted way of life? Are you happy to live?”
Milva looked pained, as if she had just remembered something unpleasant.
“It’s hard and all you can do is run away …… You can’t force other people to do that.”
Milva’s tone became stronger, as if she thought she was being accused.
“You can’t ask someone who has a family to put them in danger to fight. That makes me think I’m not alive. You’d have to be very strong or very desperate to do that.”
Oh shit… if I were in Milva’s shoes, I wouldn’t be alive.
I made you think that I despise you or pity you or …… think that way.
I made a huge mistake with the metaphor.
I was trying to make it clearer, but I hurt her feelings.
I thought you would understand how I think with this analogy.
It may have been understandable, but it made me feel uncomfortable.
My bad habit of disregarding other people’s feelings hasn’t changed even in death.
The only thing I can do is to apologize honestly.
“I’m sorry …… Again, I’m not trying to apply this idea to others at all. Everyone has their own circumstances. Even if I knew them, I have no intention of imposing my own selfish judgment on them. I have no intention of involving others and threatening their lives. I have many theories, but in the end, I’m just a child who can’t stand being in an unpleasant situation. I just can’t bring myself to live with a smile on my face because they make me do unpleasant things. Think of it as a child screaming that he can’t stand it and would rather die. I’m a self-centered egotist.”
Like it or not, I’ll deliver a truckload of logic later.
That’s who I am anyway.
Milva said in astonishment.
“You don’t seem …… like that at all, though.”
“As a self-centered egotist who hates the world, I do ……”
Milva looked at me earnestly, as if she was assessing my inner thoughts.
“I want to create a world where people can live without relying on drugs called apostles. I don’t want to involve others who are compromised or convinced. I don’t like the world, so I want to pry some of it open and create a world I like. It’s okay to take a little bit of the world. It would be nice to have a place where people who have no place in the world can laugh and live.”
After a long silence, Milva wore a complicated expression of gasping …… surprise …… admiration.
“You want to create a world where people like me don’t have to hide?”
“I believe it’s okay for people to want to believe. I don’t have the right to exclude them. I’m only allowed to believe …… I just don’t like that. I, for one, want to live true to myself above all else. So others deserve to be like that. I believe that. Any failure or resentment from others is caused by me. I don’t want to …… blame others.”
Milva breathed deeply.
“In the end, what you are trying to do is for the good of everyone. You’re being too hard on yourself, aren’t you? What kind of a self-centered egoist is that?”
“No, it’s a tremendous self-centered egoist. I just want to be a first-class self-centered egoist.”
“What’s the difference?”
I’m sure I’d look self-mocking.
“Third-rate people can’t do what they want and make everyone else unhappy. Second-rate people can do what they want, but make others unhappy. First-rate people can do what they want and make others happy.”
I chuckled to myself.
""
I thought I was dead, but there was still this part of me left.
But…I have to finish what I started.
“I don’t like this kind of world, where all we do is parasitize and admire the apostles. It’s just my ego that wants to push it through. I just thought that if there are people who can find a place for that ego, I’ll protect them.”
Milva was rapt …… but soon smiled gently.
“So, Mr. Self-centered Egotist. What can I do to help your cause? I don’t want to keep getting help from you.”
Chapter 38 - The Egotist's Way
It was after we arrived at the next inn town.
In the room where we’re staying, I asked a simple question.
“Why do we have to share a room when we can get four private ones?”
Milva pointed a finger at me.
“You’re underestimating Vana too much …… Al.”
“Ahhh …… no way …….”
Milva stomped hard on the floor.
“That’s how it is! That’s why, for my own peace of mind, I have to share a room with Al!”
Milva is breathing heavily, as if she was trying to force her point.
She’s the mourning woman, Silvana.
When I’m alone, they barge in on me, and the situation doesn’t change at all ……
After catching her breath, Milva turned her gaze to me.
“So how is it that the two of them look like they lack sleep?”
Do you want to put your finger on your mouth to shut off the sound? They shook their head in response.
If they’re listening anyway, I’ll tell them so they can hear.
I know they’re staying in the private room on either side.
I’m looking forward to his reaction.
“Well, isn’t it because I and Milva hugging and doing things. They were eavesdropping because they wanted to hear that voice.”
There was a slamming sound from both sides.
I knew it.
I shrugged my shoulders pretentiously.
“That’s it.”
Milva’s face turned red and she stiffened.
I chuckled at Milva.
“I think they’ll learn from this …… and not eavesdrop anymore.”
“What …… are you so not confident or something?”
She turned her head to the side, it may have been difficult to look directly at me.
I don’t know if it’s because she’s become strangely conscious, but I guess she’s a woman of her age, even if she is an elf.
“To be honest, I can’t measure the behavior of those two.”
Milva gave a little wicked laugh.
“I think those two need a good spanking.”
“Well …… In moderation, please.”
I’m not going to stop you, you’re more than qualified to punish and educate them.
As a continuation of yesterday’s conversation, I have one last thing to discuss.
I put my finger to my mouth and make eye contact.
Milva is silently casting an audio blocking spell.
Then, seeming to return to normalcy, she looked at me and opened her mouth.
“As I recall, Al said, “Apostles are only good for as long as they’re around”.”
“Yes, and to take it a step further, the world today is completely dependent on such a deleterious drug.”
Milva seemed surprised.
“You would go so far as to say that?”
“They are addicted to drugs, so they can’t live without them. If you try to stop them, they will attack you.”
“That’s true. But …… I’ve always suspected that it wasn’t perfect, but I’ve never thought of it as harmful. Before I knew it, I had become an enemy of the world. Is Al going to become an enemy of his own free will? There’s nothing good with it, you know?”
It’s already out of the realm of judging whether she’s friend or foe …….
I couldn’t help but chuckle.
“Drug addiction is the right way to be. If you have to admire it, then it’s no wonder you’re still alive.”
They are in a vegetative state or too old to support themselves and need to be taken care of by others.
They can’t even go to the bathroom by themselves.
If you still want to live, go ahead.
I don’t think I want to live in such a state.
If I said such a thing before my reincarnation, I’d be beaten to a pulp.
My thoughts are similar to the mentality of the ancient Romans.
If I get an incurable disease or something, and it becomes difficult for me to keep myself alive, I’ll stop eating and choose suicide.
I could honestly accept this idea.
Not only physical death but also mental death can be considered as such.
Although I deny this achievement, I can honestly nod my head to the actions of those who chose suicide as a shortcut.
If you have the right to live, you should have the right to choose death.
Milva gave me a surprised look.
“I heard that humans take care of themselves because their lifespan is short, but it seems to be the other way around.”
“We do.”
Milva looked at me as if she didn’t understand what I meant.
“You do, so …… you can’t help but continue living?”
I shake my head.
“If you’re forced to live unwillingly, that’s not living …… from my perspective. I value it, and that’s why I insist on quality.”
Milva looks unconvinced.
“Don’t we all have a few things in our lives that we don’t like? It’s impossible to do everything the way you want unless … you’re an apostle, you know?”
I’m just talking about myself, you know.
“Well …… it depends on the degree. You are forced to harm innocent people. If you refuse to do so, you will die. Or they persecute innocent people. If you don’t work together to persecute them, you will be socially ostracized. They force you to do something that you know is wrong. Otherwise, you can’t live. In such a situation, I don’t think it’s worth living. When I think of the time when that common sense will collapse… “At that time, that was unavoidable. It’s not my fault”. I don’t want to say that.”
It’s easy to say, but in reality, it’s very difficult.
I’ve seen documentaries about ex-Nazis who were involved in the Holocaust.
I’ve seen such a documentary.
I understand the feelings of the victims and the bereaved families who want retribution.
I’m sure It would be upsetting to see the person who did such a thing living happily ever after.
But… there were many people who had to do it because they were embedded in the system.
So I simply can’t say that all ex-Nazis at the end of the line are completely evil.
It will take decades to track them down and bring them to justice.
I feel uncomfortable saying that this is justice.
I guess I can say that simply because I have not experienced the misery.
The members at the end of the line who had no choice but to be included must have been unhappy.
At the same time, I think that the society that requires all Nazis to be called evil, even if they are at the end of the line, is also unhappy.
It has taken away the ability to think.
It is dangerous to judge evil objectively only when the crime is clearly committed.
Acts that look like retaliation give the logic to stand on the other side, which in turn gives them power.
It is also dangerous to ban people from talking about the Nazis themselves.
If it is to be banned, it should be as a result of identifying all acts and determining their merits.
When trust in the system that bans them is lost, the things that were banned without any clear logic will gain power.
Do you understand that?
Hearing my words, Milva slumped down helplessly.
“That’s certainly …… very painful. But isn’t it the will of the doer that the church harm innocent people to protect the reputation of the apostles? Isn’t that something that can be done thoroughly by command alone?”
I can’t communicate well logically.
It might have given a strange misunderstanding and made it seem like I was looking down on others.
But for now, I had no choice but to answer Milva’s question honestly.
“I wonder what that will is aiming at. I don’t mind protecting the reputation of the apostles themselves. I’ve heard about them all my life, and I’ve actually benefited from them. Then I can understand why you would protect your benefactor.”
I remembered Kiara, and I couldn’t help but take a merciless tone.
“I believe that the apostle is right, probably unconditionally. I’m sure that’s why they tried to protect their reputation. But do you really mean it if your premise is wrong? The benefactor was actually guilty. And I’m not allowed to point it out.”
I can’t seem to put it into words ……, but I can’t stop myself.
I opened my mouth.
“If they hadn’t decided the outcome in the first place and tried to erase anything inconvenient, none of that would have happened. Suppressing those who have doubts. Even if they think it’s strange, they are complicit out of self-preservation. If they know something is unnatural, they pretend they didn’t see it. I don’t think it’s evil, I just think … it’s probably not what they want.”
Milva sighed deeply and looked concerned, sensing the danger of my thought.
“Isn’t it easy to think that since such a person isn’t living, it’s okay to kill them? It feels to me like Al is deciding what people are worth.”
I’m not talking about other people, but I guess I shouldn’t have made such a strange analogy …… I shook my head.
“I’ve never felt so great as to be able to decide if someone lives or dies. If I were to get involved, it would be for retribution or emotional reasons. It’s not about superiority or value. My life and death are not material, they are conceptual.”
Milva looked at me as if she couldn’t understand.
“Aren’t you saying something very difficult?”
“I’m inexperienced at this …… I wish I could tell you more clearly.”
Milva laughed.
“The world’s standards are out of whack if a sixteen-year-old can think that much and still be experienced.”
Well, actually, I’m almost sixty.
“I’ll ask you a question. My parents were murdered by the church to cover up the evidence. When you know that, can you praise the apostles according to the common sense of the church and the world?”
“No, you can’t. Not if you know about it.”
I try to be as careful as possible not to sound too harsh.
“Can you live with that? Isn’t that an unwanted way of life? Are you happy to live?”
Milva looked pained, as if she had just remembered something unpleasant.
“It’s hard and all you can do is run away …… You can’t force other people to do that.”
Milva’s tone became stronger, as if she thought she was being accused.
“You can’t ask someone who has a family to put them in danger to fight. That makes me think I’m not alive. You’d have to be very strong or very desperate to do that.”
Oh shit… if I were in Milva’s shoes, I wouldn’t be alive.
I made you think that I despise you or pity you or …… think that way.
I made a huge mistake with the metaphor.
I was trying to make it clearer, but I hurt her feelings.
I thought you would understand how I think with this analogy.
It may have been understandable, but it made me feel uncomfortable.
My bad habit of disregarding other people’s feelings hasn’t changed even in death.
The only thing I can do is to apologize honestly.
“I’m sorry …… Again, I’m not trying to apply this idea to others at all. Everyone has their own circumstances. Even if I knew them, I have no intention of imposing my own selfish judgment on them. I have no intention of involving others and threatening their lives. I have many theories, but in the end, I’m just a child who can’t stand being in an unpleasant situation. I just can’t bring myself to live with a smile on my face because they make me do unpleasant things. Think of it as a child screaming that he can’t stand it and would rather die. I’m a self-centered egotist.”
Like it or not, I’ll deliver a truckload of logic later.
That’s who I am anyway.
Milva said in astonishment.
“You don’t seem …… like that at all, though.”
“As a self-centered egotist who hates the world, I do ……”
Milva looked at me earnestly, as if she was assessing my inner thoughts.
“I want to create a world where people can live without relying on drugs called apostles. I don’t want to involve others who are compromised or convinced. I don’t like the world, so I want to pry some of it open and create a world I like. It’s okay to take a little bit of the world. It would be nice to have a place where people who have no place in the world can laugh and live.”
After a long silence, Milva wore a complicated expression of gasping …… surprise …… admiration.
“You want to create a world where people like me don’t have to hide?”
“I believe it’s okay for people to want to believe. I don’t have the right to exclude them. I’m only allowed to believe …… I just don’t like that. I, for one, want to live true to myself above all else. So others deserve to be like that. I believe that. Any failure or resentment from others is caused by me. I don’t want to …… blame others.”
Milva breathed deeply.
“In the end, what you are trying to do is for the good of everyone. You’re being too hard on yourself, aren’t you? What kind of a self-centered egoist is that?”
“No, it’s a tremendous self-centered egoist. I just want to be a first-class self-centered egoist.”
“What’s the difference?”
I’m sure I’d look self-mocking.
“Third-rate people can’t do what they want and make everyone else unhappy. Second-rate people can do what they want, but make others unhappy. First-rate people can do what they want and make others happy.”
I chuckled to myself.
""
I thought I was dead, but there was still this part of me left.
But…I have to finish what I started.
“I don’t like this kind of world, where all we do is parasitize and admire the apostles. It’s just my ego that wants to push it through. I just thought that if there are people who can find a place for that ego, I’ll protect them.”
Milva was rapt …… but soon smiled gently.
“So, Mr. Self-centered Egotist. What can I do to help your cause? I don’t want to keep getting help from you.”
