if it’s destined to be lost, I’d rather have never had it
“Yan Shiren, please leave. The Emperor is busy with state affairs and has no time to see you,” Deng Mande said apologetically to Yan Ge.
Yan Ge glanced at the closed palace doors. “Is he really that busy? Doesn’t he even have a few moments to spare for a conversation?” This was the fifth time and he felt a sense of panic.
What was happening with Huangfu Yuchen? Why wasn’t he seeing him? Just a few days ago, he was so worried about him, but now he was avoiding him.
“Well… Yan Shiren, the Emperor is truly occupied. Please come back next time,” Deng Mande replied helplessly. The Emperor’s condition had been really bad these past few days. He also wanted Yan Ge to persuade him, but the Emperor refused to see Yan Ge, and Deng Mande dared not go against his orders.
Wan Xiang hurriedly approached and whispered, “Young Master, there is an urgent matter outside. Bai Jushen is anxious to see you.”
“Whatever urgent matter it is, let him handle it himself,” Yan Ge replied impatiently. He was losing his lover, how could he find the time to leave the palace? He looked up at the roof, contemplating the possibility of forcibly entering Huangfu Yuchen’s sleeping quarters.
“Understood,” Wan Xiang said helplessly and quickly withdrew.
Yan Ge glared at Deng Mande and turned back to Luoxue Palace.
Deng Mande sighed and pushed open the palace doors.
Huangfu Yuchen sat at his desk, holding a memorial, clearly lost in thought.
“Your Majesty.”
Huangfu Yuchen put down the memorial and said softly, “He left?”
“Yes.”
Huangfu Yuchen fell silent.
Deng Mande sighed deeply. “Your Majesty, please don’t be upset with this old servant for speaking out of turn. Both you and Yan Shiren are unhappy, and it pains me to see that. I believe it would be better for you to meet with him and discuss whatever issues you have.”
Huangfu Yuchen waved him away. His daily life had already been infiltrated by the poison known as Yan Ge. He wanted to see him, but at the same time, he feared it. If the pain became too intense, he would steal a glance and make sure Yan Ge didn’t notice. That way, he could pretend that Yan Ge missed him too.
Yan Ge endured until the middle of the night when the palace was completely silent. Under the cover of darkness, he stealthily flew to Huangfu Yuchen’s sleeping quarters. Even with twenty sleeping chambers, he could easily locate the one with the most people by relying on his heightened senses. It was where Huangfu Yuchen was. Quietly, he pushed open the window and entered without making a sound.
In the flickering light, Yan Ge could see Huangfu Yuchen sleeping on the dragon bed. The young eunuch on night duty was sound asleep with his back against the bed.
Yan Ge activated the young eunuch’s sleeping acupoint, lifted the curtain, and then realized that Huangfu Yuchen’s sleep was far from peaceful. His brows were furrowed, sweat beads dotted his face, and his head shook from side to side as if trying to break free from something.
Was he having a nightmare? Yan Ge sat on the edge of the bed and held his hand, gently calling out, “Yuchen… Yuchen?”
“Yan Ge! I won’t allow you to die!” Huangfu Yuchen shouted, suddenly sitting up. His eyes widened, his pupils dilated, and his face reflected despair and sorrow, piercing Yan Ge’s heart like sharp arrows.
“Yuchen!” Yan Ge grasped Huangfu Yuchen’s shoulders and shook him vigorously. “Yuchen, I’m here!”
The Emperor’s self-control and restraint quickly brought Huangfu Yuchen back to reality. He saw Yan Ge, stared at him for a long time, and his expression turned cold. He pushed Yan Ge’s hand away, got up from the bed, and grabbed a cloth towel hanging on the frame to wipe his face. “What are you here for?”
Since they decided to be together, Huangfu Yuchen had never been this cold towards him. Yan Ge felt like his heart had been torn apart and was in great discomfort. He asked, “Why are you avoiding me? Do you regret it?”
Huangfu Yuchen turned his back to him, feeling a dull pain in his chest. How could Yan Ge ask such a question? Regret? Even if he was hurt deeply, he would not regret it. The pain in his heart remained, intensifying whenever he saw Yan Ge, but he couldn’t bear to let go of this pain. All the memories were too precious to give up.
“When I decided to be with you, I once thought that if you didn’t accept, I would lock you up forever. But I couldn’t bear to do that. Go, if it’s destined to be lost, I’d rather have never had it.”
“What do you mean? What do you mean by ‘destined to be lost’? Are you talking about me? You won’t lose me. Why are you saying this?” Yan Ge was confused by his random words, but he sensed his lack of confidence.
“Go, I need to rest.” Huangfu Yuchen lay back down and closed his eyes.
Yan Ge went up to him, tightly embracing him and clasping his hands in front of his chest, holding him tightly. “Yuchen, I know you’re angry about what happened a few days ago. But at least give me a chance to explain. Or do you really want me to leave?” He knew he had kept too many secrets from Huangfu Yuchen, and he was afraid to hear a definite answer.
Huangfu Yuchen remained silent. Could he continue like this? Even if he was strong, he couldn’t withstand the toxicity of emotions.
Yan Ge’s chest was filled with a sour and bitter feeling. He climbed onto Huangfu Yuchen’s body, tightly embracing his neck. “Yuchen…” This was the person he loved, the person who loved him, he couldn’t lose him.
“I’ve always known that you have many secrets, and I was willing to wait for the day you would tell me willingly,” Huangfu Yuchen said softly. “But if these secrets might endanger your life, you shouldn’t hide them from me. It makes me feel like you don’t care about me.”
“It’s not like that!” Yan Ge hurriedly said, “Listen to my explanation.”
Huangfu Yuchen remained silent.
Yan Ge didn’t blame him. Even the strongest person would have moments of fear when it came to emotions, fear of losing the person they loved. Huangfu Yuchen was like that, and he was too. He had fallen in love with Huangfu Yuchen, and he would never allow Huangfu Yuchen to leave him.
He forcefully pulled Huangfu Yuchen up to a sitting position.
Huangfu Yuchen looked at him, his eyes reddened from anxiety, and his face tense. He gently held him. “What should I do with you? I want to push you away, but I can’t bear it. I want to hold you, but I can’t reach your heart. Why do you take risks where I can’t see? Do you know how it felt when I saw you lying there with blood on your lips? When I thought you were dead, my heart died too. Everything went dark in front of me, and I didn’t know where to go. If I hadn’t given you the scentless jade pendant, if you really died somewhere unknown to me… Yan Ge, my heart is so greedy. Once I have something, I don’t want to lose it. I only ask you this time, can I have you? If not, it’s better to have never had you.”
“I can! You already have me!” Yan Ge looked into his eyes. “Listen to me first, okay?”
Huangfu Yuchen caressed his cheek, noticing that Yan Ge had become thinner in the past few days.
“Go ahead,” he said.
Yan Ge held both of his hands. “I do have two secrets. The reason I didn’t tell you is because I was afraid you wouldn’t be able to accept them.”
“Unless these two secrets require you to leave me, I won’t be unable to accept them.” Huangfu Yuchen pinched his hand.
Yan Ge said, “Let me tell you the first secret. I am not the real Yan Ge.”
Huangfu Yuchen didn’t understand. “Not Yan Ge? Then who are you?”
Yan Ge didn’t know if Huangfu Yuchen would still be so calm when he finds out that he was actually a reincarnated soul. But he told the truth, “To be precise, I am Yan Ge, but not Yan Xiaojing’s son Yan Ge. I am another person, also named Yan Ge, who came back to life by borrowing his body after Yan Xiaojing’s son died. It’s a case of reincarnation.”
Huangfu Yuchen remained silent for a long time.
Yan Ge’s heart sank to the bottom. He forced a bitter smile. “I knew you wouldn’t be able to accept it…”
His chin was suddenly lifted and he met Huangfu Yuchen’s gaze.
“When did you become Yan Xiaojing’s son? Are you two different people or the same person after entering the palace?” Huangfu Yuchen asked calmly.
Yan Ge replied softly, “That Yan Ge died when he jumped into the lake. Since then, I became him and I don’t know the reason. But the person who entered the palace has always been me.”
Huangfu Yuchen tightly embraced him. “If it has always been you, then that’s good. He won’t come back in the future, right?!”
Yan Ge heard his meaning and hugged him with joy. “Yes, even in the future, it will always be me!”
Huangfu Yuchen finally felt his trembling body relax and he kissed Yan Ge’s lips with affection. “Do Yan Xiaojing and the others know about this?”
“They don’t know. I dare not tell them. I’m afraid they will see me as a monster and burn me to death,” Yan Ge said self-mockingly.
Huangfu Yuchen said, “Aren’t you a monster. Since you’re not a monster, why were you able to reincarnate in a corpse?”
Yan Ge leaned against his chest, rolled his eyes, and looked at him speechlessly.
This guy! He thought he was a monster, but he wasn’t afraid? Admirable, truly admirable! Could it be that there was really dragon energy protecting him, so he wasn’t afraid of demons and monsters?
“Of course not. As for why I could reincarnate, it might be because my name and appearance are the same as Yan Ge’s, and there exists some mysterious connection between us, so I could occupy his body after he died. It could also be related to my second secret.”
“What is it?” Huangfu Yuchen asked calmly.
Yan Ge said, “Don’t be afraid. Let me introduce someone to you first.”
Huangfu Yuchen nodded.
“Little Jin.”
As soon as the words fell, a lovely child appeared out of thin air, sitting cross-legged at the other end of the bed, smiling at the two of them.
“Greetings, Your Majesty.”
Huangfu Yuchen was taken aback and stood in front of Yan Ge. They were so close, yet he hadn’t sensed the presence of this child!
“Who are you?”
“Yuchen, don’t be nervous. He is someone I know,” Yan Ge moved to his side and embraced his waist, “He is Yan Jin. You can call him Little Jin. After I died in another world, I coincidentally met him. He attached himself to me and recognized me as his master. I gave him the name Yan Jin. I don’t know how to explain his existence to you in a way that you’ll understand. But you can perceive him as a ‘deity.’ Due to the limitations of being a ‘deity,’ I couldn’t reveal my second secret to you. It is closely related to my identity, and revealing it would result in self-destruction.”
Huangfu Yuchen was shocked. He held Yan Ge tightly, keeping a vigilant eye on Yan Jin. “You don’t have to say anything more. I won’t ask.”
if it’s destined to be lost, I’d rather have never had it
“Yan Shiren, please leave. The Emperor is busy with state affairs and has no time to see you,” Deng Mande said apologetically to Yan Ge.
Yan Ge glanced at the closed palace doors. “Is he really that busy? Doesn’t he even have a few moments to spare for a conversation?” This was the fifth time and he felt a sense of panic.
What was happening with Huangfu Yuchen? Why wasn’t he seeing him? Just a few days ago, he was so worried about him, but now he was avoiding him.
“Well… Yan Shiren, the Emperor is truly occupied. Please come back next time,” Deng Mande replied helplessly. The Emperor’s condition had been really bad these past few days. He also wanted Yan Ge to persuade him, but the Emperor refused to see Yan Ge, and Deng Mande dared not go against his orders.
Wan Xiang hurriedly approached and whispered, “Young Master, there is an urgent matter outside. Bai Jushen is anxious to see you.”
“Whatever urgent matter it is, let him handle it himself,” Yan Ge replied impatiently. He was losing his lover, how could he find the time to leave the palace? He looked up at the roof, contemplating the possibility of forcibly entering Huangfu Yuchen’s sleeping quarters.
“Understood,” Wan Xiang said helplessly and quickly withdrew.
Yan Ge glared at Deng Mande and turned back to Luoxue Palace.
Deng Mande sighed and pushed open the palace doors.
Huangfu Yuchen sat at his desk, holding a memorial, clearly lost in thought.
“Your Majesty.”
Huangfu Yuchen put down the memorial and said softly, “He left?”
“Yes.”
Huangfu Yuchen fell silent.
Deng Mande sighed deeply. “Your Majesty, please don’t be upset with this old servant for speaking out of turn. Both you and Yan Shiren are unhappy, and it pains me to see that. I believe it would be better for you to meet with him and discuss whatever issues you have.”
Huangfu Yuchen waved him away. His daily life had already been infiltrated by the poison known as Yan Ge. He wanted to see him, but at the same time, he feared it. If the pain became too intense, he would steal a glance and make sure Yan Ge didn’t notice. That way, he could pretend that Yan Ge missed him too.
Yan Ge endured until the middle of the night when the palace was completely silent. Under the cover of darkness, he stealthily flew to Huangfu Yuchen’s sleeping quarters. Even with twenty sleeping chambers, he could easily locate the one with the most people by relying on his heightened senses. It was where Huangfu Yuchen was. Quietly, he pushed open the window and entered without making a sound.
In the flickering light, Yan Ge could see Huangfu Yuchen sleeping on the dragon bed. The young eunuch on night duty was sound asleep with his back against the bed.
Yan Ge activated the young eunuch’s sleeping acupoint, lifted the curtain, and then realized that Huangfu Yuchen’s sleep was far from peaceful. His brows were furrowed, sweat beads dotted his face, and his head shook from side to side as if trying to break free from something.
Was he having a nightmare? Yan Ge sat on the edge of the bed and held his hand, gently calling out, “Yuchen… Yuchen?”
“Yan Ge! I won’t allow you to die!” Huangfu Yuchen shouted, suddenly sitting up. His eyes widened, his pupils dilated, and his face reflected despair and sorrow, piercing Yan Ge’s heart like sharp arrows.
“Yuchen!” Yan Ge grasped Huangfu Yuchen’s shoulders and shook him vigorously. “Yuchen, I’m here!”
The Emperor’s self-control and restraint quickly brought Huangfu Yuchen back to reality. He saw Yan Ge, stared at him for a long time, and his expression turned cold. He pushed Yan Ge’s hand away, got up from the bed, and grabbed a cloth towel hanging on the frame to wipe his face. “What are you here for?”
Since they decided to be together, Huangfu Yuchen had never been this cold towards him. Yan Ge felt like his heart had been torn apart and was in great discomfort. He asked, “Why are you avoiding me? Do you regret it?”
Huangfu Yuchen turned his back to him, feeling a dull pain in his chest. How could Yan Ge ask such a question? Regret? Even if he was hurt deeply, he would not regret it. The pain in his heart remained, intensifying whenever he saw Yan Ge, but he couldn’t bear to let go of this pain. All the memories were too precious to give up.
“When I decided to be with you, I once thought that if you didn’t accept, I would lock you up forever. But I couldn’t bear to do that. Go, if it’s destined to be lost, I’d rather have never had it.”
“What do you mean? What do you mean by ‘destined to be lost’? Are you talking about me? You won’t lose me. Why are you saying this?” Yan Ge was confused by his random words, but he sensed his lack of confidence.
“Go, I need to rest.” Huangfu Yuchen lay back down and closed his eyes.
Yan Ge went up to him, tightly embracing him and clasping his hands in front of his chest, holding him tightly. “Yuchen, I know you’re angry about what happened a few days ago. But at least give me a chance to explain. Or do you really want me to leave?” He knew he had kept too many secrets from Huangfu Yuchen, and he was afraid to hear a definite answer.
Huangfu Yuchen remained silent. Could he continue like this? Even if he was strong, he couldn’t withstand the toxicity of emotions.
Yan Ge’s chest was filled with a sour and bitter feeling. He climbed onto Huangfu Yuchen’s body, tightly embracing his neck. “Yuchen…” This was the person he loved, the person who loved him, he couldn’t lose him.
“I’ve always known that you have many secrets, and I was willing to wait for the day you would tell me willingly,” Huangfu Yuchen said softly. “But if these secrets might endanger your life, you shouldn’t hide them from me. It makes me feel like you don’t care about me.”
“It’s not like that!” Yan Ge hurriedly said, “Listen to my explanation.”
Huangfu Yuchen remained silent.
Yan Ge didn’t blame him. Even the strongest person would have moments of fear when it came to emotions, fear of losing the person they loved. Huangfu Yuchen was like that, and he was too. He had fallen in love with Huangfu Yuchen, and he would never allow Huangfu Yuchen to leave him.
He forcefully pulled Huangfu Yuchen up to a sitting position.
Huangfu Yuchen looked at him, his eyes reddened from anxiety, and his face tense. He gently held him. “What should I do with you? I want to push you away, but I can’t bear it. I want to hold you, but I can’t reach your heart. Why do you take risks where I can’t see? Do you know how it felt when I saw you lying there with blood on your lips? When I thought you were dead, my heart died too. Everything went dark in front of me, and I didn’t know where to go. If I hadn’t given you the scentless jade pendant, if you really died somewhere unknown to me… Yan Ge, my heart is so greedy. Once I have something, I don’t want to lose it. I only ask you this time, can I have you? If not, it’s better to have never had you.”
“I can! You already have me!” Yan Ge looked into his eyes. “Listen to me first, okay?”
Huangfu Yuchen caressed his cheek, noticing that Yan Ge had become thinner in the past few days.
“Go ahead,” he said.
Yan Ge held both of his hands. “I do have two secrets. The reason I didn’t tell you is because I was afraid you wouldn’t be able to accept them.”
“Unless these two secrets require you to leave me, I won’t be unable to accept them.” Huangfu Yuchen pinched his hand.
Yan Ge said, “Let me tell you the first secret. I am not the real Yan Ge.”
Huangfu Yuchen didn’t understand. “Not Yan Ge? Then who are you?”
Yan Ge didn’t know if Huangfu Yuchen would still be so calm when he finds out that he was actually a reincarnated soul. But he told the truth, “To be precise, I am Yan Ge, but not Yan Xiaojing’s son Yan Ge. I am another person, also named Yan Ge, who came back to life by borrowing his body after Yan Xiaojing’s son died. It’s a case of reincarnation.”
Huangfu Yuchen remained silent for a long time.
Yan Ge’s heart sank to the bottom. He forced a bitter smile. “I knew you wouldn’t be able to accept it…”
His chin was suddenly lifted and he met Huangfu Yuchen’s gaze.
“When did you become Yan Xiaojing’s son? Are you two different people or the same person after entering the palace?” Huangfu Yuchen asked calmly.
Yan Ge replied softly, “That Yan Ge died when he jumped into the lake. Since then, I became him and I don’t know the reason. But the person who entered the palace has always been me.”
Huangfu Yuchen tightly embraced him. “If it has always been you, then that’s good. He won’t come back in the future, right?!”
Yan Ge heard his meaning and hugged him with joy. “Yes, even in the future, it will always be me!”
Huangfu Yuchen finally felt his trembling body relax and he kissed Yan Ge’s lips with affection. “Do Yan Xiaojing and the others know about this?”
“They don’t know. I dare not tell them. I’m afraid they will see me as a monster and burn me to death,” Yan Ge said self-mockingly.
Huangfu Yuchen said, “Aren’t you a monster. Since you’re not a monster, why were you able to reincarnate in a corpse?”
Yan Ge leaned against his chest, rolled his eyes, and looked at him speechlessly.
This guy! He thought he was a monster, but he wasn’t afraid? Admirable, truly admirable! Could it be that there was really dragon energy protecting him, so he wasn’t afraid of demons and monsters?
“Of course not. As for why I could reincarnate, it might be because my name and appearance are the same as Yan Ge’s, and there exists some mysterious connection between us, so I could occupy his body after he died. It could also be related to my second secret.”
“What is it?” Huangfu Yuchen asked calmly.
Yan Ge said, “Don’t be afraid. Let me introduce someone to you first.”
Huangfu Yuchen nodded.
“Little Jin.”
As soon as the words fell, a lovely child appeared out of thin air, sitting cross-legged at the other end of the bed, smiling at the two of them.
“Greetings, Your Majesty.”
Huangfu Yuchen was taken aback and stood in front of Yan Ge. They were so close, yet he hadn’t sensed the presence of this child!
“Who are you?”
“Yuchen, don’t be nervous. He is someone I know,” Yan Ge moved to his side and embraced his waist, “He is Yan Jin. You can call him Little Jin. After I died in another world, I coincidentally met him. He attached himself to me and recognized me as his master. I gave him the name Yan Jin. I don’t know how to explain his existence to you in a way that you’ll understand. But you can perceive him as a ‘deity.’ Due to the limitations of being a ‘deity,’ I couldn’t reveal my second secret to you. It is closely related to my identity, and revealing it would result in self-destruction.”
Huangfu Yuchen was shocked. He held Yan Ge tightly, keeping a vigilant eye on Yan Jin. “You don’t have to say anything more. I won’t ask.”
