Chapter 250
The smile on Lil’s lips faded.
“Visha. That was his given nickname. My father said that even after the child was born, he would still be called Visha until he was an adult, just like how I had been called Knox from the moment I was inside my mother’s womb.”
“…”
Before he knew it, Ed was lying down, looking at the ceiling. Lil felt responsible and guilty for urging him to keep talking for no reason, because now that he had done so, she felt like she wasn’t in the position to offer something like a half-baked consolation. So instead, Lil moved closer to him and whispered that he didn’t need to continue any further.
However, Ed lightly shook his head.
“Anyway, due to that, my mother lost a lot of blood and had childbed fever*. She passed away not long after. Of course, I was very sad, but the people around me kept saying that childbed fever was very common. I couldn’t understand why they were comforting me with such words. If it was a common disease, did that make it any easier? Was it then just natural to die?”
“…”
When the hand that was stroking Ed’s hair suddenly stopped, Ed held Lil’s fingers and fiddled with them.
“Of course, I was too young at the time to truly understand any of it and only had such thoughts. But three years later, my father also passed away. He joined a small battle and came back with an injured leg. I could do nothing but watch how his leg rotted away… Within a month, it had to be amputated. But the amputated part became infected again and it spread throughout his body… I didn’t even know it was an infection at the time. I just grew up smelling the scent of rotting flesh, the smell of my father slowly dying for half a year… People said to me that even with his leg cut off, he had to be lucky to survive, and that if he was unlucky, he would obviously die. Adding that in fact, there were more cases where luck ran out… They comforted me with such words again…”
“…”
Lil, who thought she would simply listen to some of his preferences, likes, and dislikes at best, was taken aback upon hearing the series of tragedies in Ed’s life.
‘Even in the letter I read yesterday, there was another death that wasn’t light. I can’t even imagine experiencing such sorrow from such a young age. I baselessly assumed that he constantly received love when he was growing up, seeing how he’s always so positive and active…’
“When he heard that his son was in critical condition, my grandfather, who was staying in the Empire at that time, came to my hometown, but my father had already passed away by then. My grandfather even brought a doctor from the Imperial Clairaut with him. After my fathers passing I stayed away from them and didn’t speak, so that doctor thought there was a problem with me and he examined me instead. The doctor at that time had unfamiliar iron tools and a book that was difficult to read…”
After that, Lil understood it even without Ed having to continue.
Ed sighed softly. Still holding her fingers, he slowly turned his body to face her.
“I wanted to live. I was scared and hated that people could die so easily, so I decided to study medicine. Thinking that I could die easily, too. That I, too, could die a common or unlucky death. I didn’t know any better then, but thinking about it more carefully now, I truly think people really do…”
“…”
Lil lifted her body and moved closer to Ed. As she looked down at him, she felt a knot in her stomach. The sadness that could be heard in his voice, became even more vivid when she saw it in his face.
“Come on, don’t look at me like that. My grandfather was a pretty funny guy, so I quickly regained my spirits.”
Still, her heart ached as if she was actually the one who experienced it. She didn’t know that Ed would share something like that so willingly. And given how dark his story was, she could only apologise to him with tears in her eyes.
“I’m sorry. I’ve been misunderstanding you.”
Instead of responding, Ed reached out his hand and tucked Lil’s hair behind her ear. Because she had been looking down at him, a lot of her strands flowed down her face and Ed carefully swept them all away.
“Liloa.”
“Hmm?”
After tidying up the hair on both sides, Lil’s full, slightly reddened, face was revealed. Ed spoke as he caressed her cheek.
“You should stay healthy for a long, long time.”
‘One doesn’t need to have great intuition to fully understand those words. Ed didn’t say that as a doctor. He lost his younger brother, his mother, his father, his first love, and his grandfather who raised him like his own child… And perhaps the next thing that came to his mind was me…’
Lil answered while staring at the man who was constantly abandoned.
“I will.”
“…”
“Thank you for saving my life. Have I ever expressed that properly? Thank you for allowing me to live. I really wanted to tell you this.”
“I’m the one who should be thankful.”
“..?”
Ed spoke with a sigh.
“You don’t know how thankful I was that you were so strong… stronger than anyone else. I was so afraid. The coma you were in continued for such a long and hopeless period. During which I constantly asked myself how many people could actually survive that period or even wake up?”
Lil held Ed’s hand that lingered near her ear.
‘The tragedy of losing a family member is common regardless of country. Although the circumstances of the Empire are different, southerners are separated from their families in an even more tragic way. This is nothing special to me. I’ve been accustomed to tragedy… Still, I can’t deny that I feel deeply sorry for Ed…’
And from here on, Lil knew.
‘…I want to spend a lot of time loving him.’
Recognizing she was becoming more generous than ever before, Lil recalled something Cesar had previously told her. She finally understood it.
{ “…It seems as if this one single mistake of mine has let you define my whole being, but how many times have his faults been forgiven?*…” }
Drops of realisation dripped through the cracks of her blissful feeling. Her gaze shifted between the wrinkles in the blanket to Ed’s neck and shoulder.
‘I didn’t notice before… But even when I was furious, I couldn’t yell at him to get out of my sight forever. And I, myself, couldn’t stay away… In fact, I didn’t want to leave…’
Lil felt this strange pull from Ed.
‘It’s so odd. Even though my family may continue to haunt me, I want to stay here even if it means fighting my anxiety every day. But… will I be able to trust whatever Ed tells me from now on? Won’t I reflexively doubt it? Won’t he try to deceive me again by doing what’s most convenient for him? People don’t change easily, and I can confidently say that I know that constancy better than anyone else…’
Lil was taught to forgive a man before he apologised for a third time. She was told that if she didn’t let go of her anger after hearing more than three sentences filled with a man’s apology, she lacked virtue and was a spoiled woman. She gave up all hope the moment she couldn’t even remember expressing her feelings of anger or resentment. And holding it in had been exhausting. Despite their empty apologies, she pretended to agree in order to survive, to breathe a little until she became lethargic.
So now, she was unsure whether she was stuck in this bed because of her teachings or because she felt differently about Ed.
“Liloa.”
The gaze that had been meaninglessly wandering around the hem of the blanket shifted back to Ed. Unbeknownst to her, Ed had begun raising his upper body, and unexpectedly, Lil had to look up at him.
“What?”
“I’ll never do that again.”
“What do you mean?”
“I will never deceive you again.”
Lil was at a loss for words for a moment, then decided to be honest about her thoughts.
“Did you just read my mind?”
“It was due to your stiff expression… It made me wonder why you looked like that.”
“Still, you couldn’t have been that accurate…”
“…”
His eyebrows twitched. Lil climbed onto Ed’s lap despite his hesitations and swept his serious face with both hands. Ed’s eyebrows and eyes went up due to the motion, causing Lil to be the only one who could freely smile.
“This is my first time seeing this kind of expression on your face.”
“It’s the face of someone who is carefully agonising. I hope you like it.”
“I like it. It’s handsome.”
“I’m glad that my good looks contribute to easing your anger.”
“…”
Even though he joked, Ed didn’t laugh, so Lil waited for him in silence. Instead of continuing, his fingers came up and caressed her cheek.
“Your cheek is swollen.”
Lil immediately took his hand, lowered it and avoided his eyes.
“It’s fine. Don’t worry.”
“No, it’s not.”
“…”
“I was arrogant. I dismissed what you went through in your childhood as nothing special. That’s why I was so envious of you and couldn’t acknowledge you. I laughed at those who were afraid of you, but at the same time, I couldn’t admit to myself that I was one of them…”
– – – – –
Footnote:
childbed fever: also known as Postpartum infections and puerperal fever, are bacterial infections of the female reproductive tract following childbirth or miscarriage… From the 1600s through the mid-to-late 1800s, the majority of childbed fever cases were caused by the doctors themselves. With no knowledge of germs, doctors did not believe hand washing was needed… [WIKI]
References:
{ “…It seems as if this one single mistake of mine has let you define my whole being, but how many times have his faults been forgiven?…” } = chapter 153 = This was said by Cesar in one of their fights. It was the fight they had after Ed was thrown overboard and Lil demanded Cesar to show her the note. During this fight, Lil finally understood that Cesar did all that out of jealousy and confronted him with it.
Chapter 250
The smile on Lil’s lips faded.
“Visha. That was his given nickname. My father said that even after the child was born, he would still be called Visha until he was an adult, just like how I had been called Knox from the moment I was inside my mother’s womb.”
“…”
Before he knew it, Ed was lying down, looking at the ceiling. Lil felt responsible and guilty for urging him to keep talking for no reason, because now that he had done so, she felt like she wasn’t in the position to offer something like a half-baked consolation. So instead, Lil moved closer to him and whispered that he didn’t need to continue any further.
However, Ed lightly shook his head.
“Anyway, due to that, my mother lost a lot of blood and had childbed fever*. She passed away not long after. Of course, I was very sad, but the people around me kept saying that childbed fever was very common. I couldn’t understand why they were comforting me with such words. If it was a common disease, did that make it any easier? Was it then just natural to die?”
“…”
When the hand that was stroking Ed’s hair suddenly stopped, Ed held Lil’s fingers and fiddled with them.
“Of course, I was too young at the time to truly understand any of it and only had such thoughts. But three years later, my father also passed away. He joined a small battle and came back with an injured leg. I could do nothing but watch how his leg rotted away… Within a month, it had to be amputated. But the amputated part became infected again and it spread throughout his body… I didn’t even know it was an infection at the time. I just grew up smelling the scent of rotting flesh, the smell of my father slowly dying for half a year… People said to me that even with his leg cut off, he had to be lucky to survive, and that if he was unlucky, he would obviously die. Adding that in fact, there were more cases where luck ran out… They comforted me with such words again…”
“…”
Lil, who thought she would simply listen to some of his preferences, likes, and dislikes at best, was taken aback upon hearing the series of tragedies in Ed’s life.
‘Even in the letter I read yesterday, there was another death that wasn’t light. I can’t even imagine experiencing such sorrow from such a young age. I baselessly assumed that he constantly received love when he was growing up, seeing how he’s always so positive and active…’
“When he heard that his son was in critical condition, my grandfather, who was staying in the Empire at that time, came to my hometown, but my father had already passed away by then. My grandfather even brought a doctor from the Imperial Clairaut with him. After my fathers passing I stayed away from them and didn’t speak, so that doctor thought there was a problem with me and he examined me instead. The doctor at that time had unfamiliar iron tools and a book that was difficult to read…”
After that, Lil understood it even without Ed having to continue.
Ed sighed softly. Still holding her fingers, he slowly turned his body to face her.
“I wanted to live. I was scared and hated that people could die so easily, so I decided to study medicine. Thinking that I could die easily, too. That I, too, could die a common or unlucky death. I didn’t know any better then, but thinking about it more carefully now, I truly think people really do…”
“…”
Lil lifted her body and moved closer to Ed. As she looked down at him, she felt a knot in her stomach. The sadness that could be heard in his voice, became even more vivid when she saw it in his face.
“Come on, don’t look at me like that. My grandfather was a pretty funny guy, so I quickly regained my spirits.”
Still, her heart ached as if she was actually the one who experienced it. She didn’t know that Ed would share something like that so willingly. And given how dark his story was, she could only apologise to him with tears in her eyes.
“I’m sorry. I’ve been misunderstanding you.”
Instead of responding, Ed reached out his hand and tucked Lil’s hair behind her ear. Because she had been looking down at him, a lot of her strands flowed down her face and Ed carefully swept them all away.
“Liloa.”
“Hmm?”
After tidying up the hair on both sides, Lil’s full, slightly reddened, face was revealed. Ed spoke as he caressed her cheek.
“You should stay healthy for a long, long time.”
‘One doesn’t need to have great intuition to fully understand those words. Ed didn’t say that as a doctor. He lost his younger brother, his mother, his father, his first love, and his grandfather who raised him like his own child… And perhaps the next thing that came to his mind was me…’
Lil answered while staring at the man who was constantly abandoned.
“I will.”
“…”
“Thank you for saving my life. Have I ever expressed that properly? Thank you for allowing me to live. I really wanted to tell you this.”
“I’m the one who should be thankful.”
“..?”
Ed spoke with a sigh.
“You don’t know how thankful I was that you were so strong… stronger than anyone else. I was so afraid. The coma you were in continued for such a long and hopeless period. During which I constantly asked myself how many people could actually survive that period or even wake up?”
Lil held Ed’s hand that lingered near her ear.
‘The tragedy of losing a family member is common regardless of country. Although the circumstances of the Empire are different, southerners are separated from their families in an even more tragic way. This is nothing special to me. I’ve been accustomed to tragedy… Still, I can’t deny that I feel deeply sorry for Ed…’
And from here on, Lil knew.
‘…I want to spend a lot of time loving him.’
Recognizing she was becoming more generous than ever before, Lil recalled something Cesar had previously told her. She finally understood it.
{ “…It seems as if this one single mistake of mine has let you define my whole being, but how many times have his faults been forgiven?*…” }
Drops of realisation dripped through the cracks of her blissful feeling. Her gaze shifted between the wrinkles in the blanket to Ed’s neck and shoulder.
‘I didn’t notice before… But even when I was furious, I couldn’t yell at him to get out of my sight forever. And I, myself, couldn’t stay away… In fact, I didn’t want to leave…’
Lil felt this strange pull from Ed.
‘It’s so odd. Even though my family may continue to haunt me, I want to stay here even if it means fighting my anxiety every day. But… will I be able to trust whatever Ed tells me from now on? Won’t I reflexively doubt it? Won’t he try to deceive me again by doing what’s most convenient for him? People don’t change easily, and I can confidently say that I know that constancy better than anyone else…’
Lil was taught to forgive a man before he apologised for a third time. She was told that if she didn’t let go of her anger after hearing more than three sentences filled with a man’s apology, she lacked virtue and was a spoiled woman. She gave up all hope the moment she couldn’t even remember expressing her feelings of anger or resentment. And holding it in had been exhausting. Despite their empty apologies, she pretended to agree in order to survive, to breathe a little until she became lethargic.
So now, she was unsure whether she was stuck in this bed because of her teachings or because she felt differently about Ed.
“Liloa.”
The gaze that had been meaninglessly wandering around the hem of the blanket shifted back to Ed. Unbeknownst to her, Ed had begun raising his upper body, and unexpectedly, Lil had to look up at him.
“What?”
“I’ll never do that again.”
“What do you mean?”
“I will never deceive you again.”
Lil was at a loss for words for a moment, then decided to be honest about her thoughts.
“Did you just read my mind?”
“It was due to your stiff expression… It made me wonder why you looked like that.”
“Still, you couldn’t have been that accurate…”
“…”
His eyebrows twitched. Lil climbed onto Ed’s lap despite his hesitations and swept his serious face with both hands. Ed’s eyebrows and eyes went up due to the motion, causing Lil to be the only one who could freely smile.
“This is my first time seeing this kind of expression on your face.”
“It’s the face of someone who is carefully agonising. I hope you like it.”
“I like it. It’s handsome.”
“I’m glad that my good looks contribute to easing your anger.”
“…”
Even though he joked, Ed didn’t laugh, so Lil waited for him in silence. Instead of continuing, his fingers came up and caressed her cheek.
“Your cheek is swollen.”
Lil immediately took his hand, lowered it and avoided his eyes.
“It’s fine. Don’t worry.”
“No, it’s not.”
“…”
“I was arrogant. I dismissed what you went through in your childhood as nothing special. That’s why I was so envious of you and couldn’t acknowledge you. I laughed at those who were afraid of you, but at the same time, I couldn’t admit to myself that I was one of them…”
– – – – –
Footnote:
childbed fever: also known as Postpartum infections and puerperal fever, are bacterial infections of the female reproductive tract following childbirth or miscarriage… From the 1600s through the mid-to-late 1800s, the majority of childbed fever cases were caused by the doctors themselves. With no knowledge of germs, doctors did not believe hand washing was needed… [WIKI]
References:
{ “…It seems as if this one single mistake of mine has let you define my whole being, but how many times have his faults been forgiven?…” } = chapter 153 = This was said by Cesar in one of their fights. It was the fight they had after Ed was thrown overboard and Lil demanded Cesar to show her the note. During this fight, Lil finally understood that Cesar did all that out of jealousy and confronted him with it.
