I still often dream of the day when Chizuru disappeared.
Not only at night but also when I was wide awake. For example, when I was eating, I suddenly entered a daydream and couldn’t hear any of the surrounding voices, and drops of sweat began to form on my forehead.
Even after I reunited with Chizuru, the dreams stopped for a while and then suddenly recurred like an illness and continued to afflict me for a long time.
***
While I held Chizuru’s body, which had been completely chilled by the cold air and rain, I kicked the door of her room with my feet but soon realized that there was no fireplace here and stopped for a second. I then continued by saying, “Let’s go to my room. I’ll light the fireplace there.”
When I said that, Chizuru looked at me, astonished, and opened her lips as if to say something, but decided against it and just nodded silently.
The truth was, I never invited Chizuru to my room until today. I didn’t even know why. Perhaps it was because I had unconsciously drawn a line in my heart.
If I let her into my room, I couldn’t turn back anymore.
It’s funny, because I had come to a place where I couldn’t turn back long ago, but there was still a dark fear swirling in me.
What if she disappears again? That’s a fear that I didn’t think would disappear easily.
I wanted an unwavering conviction that Chizuru would never leave me, and it was difficult for me to be honest until I got it.
It left an unforgivable regret for me that she was deeply hurt in the process, but there was no hesitation anymore.
We still had a future. I will love, comfort and atone for Chizuru as much as she needs — no, even more than she needs.
After we passed through the inner door, the castle owner’s bedroom, which was much larger than Chizuru’s room, welcomed us.
There was no light, but I remembered almost all of the room’s layout, so even if I closed my eyes, it was not difficult to reach the nearby candlestick.
Once I set her down on the floor, I lit a match, switched on the lights, and transferred the fire to the fireplace.
Thanks to the dry leaves I prepared, the fire spread easily, and the fireplace immediately burned red. Behind me, I heard Chizuru sigh in relief.
As I looked back, I saw Chizuru, fascinated by the flames that slowly warmed the room, tightening the collar of the cloak with both her hands.
“Come here, Chizuru,” I called out.
Chizuru obediently took my extended hand and proceeded to draw closer to me.
The burning flame warmed both our cold bodies and illuminated the outline of our faces with orange. For a while, we stared at the flames without saying anything, as if we were biting the silence.
When the area around the fireplace had warmed up, to a certain extent, I turned to Chizuru and put my hand on the collar of her wet cloak.
“You should take it off.”
“Yeah … but that …”
Chizuru’s eyes swayed as if she was confused, so I put on a gentle smile on my face to reassure her and took off her cloak with as gentle a gesture as possible.
“I remember. I’m not doing anything tonight.”
Actually, as long as it was Chizuru, things such as the moon(TL:menstruation) , I didn’t care at all. To be honest, I wanted to take off all her clothes and warm her up in a single heartbeat right now.
Chizuru wore only a thin dress, so it took a lot of self-control and patience to prevent me from tearing it off as I wanted.
After we took off each other’s cloak, we sat on the floor in front of the fireplace and hugged each other.
I wrapped Chizuru’s back and put my nose on her thin neckline to enjoy her scent. Chizuru also slowly slid one hand over my cheeks and gently closed her eyelids as if to taste the feeling.
Time proceeded calmly, and I felt a peace of mind for the first time in 14 years.
After a while, Chizuru muttered.
“This is … nostalgic.”
I immediately understood what she was referring to. In fact, I was thinking about the same thing.
A long time ago, in the first winter since we met, we often warmed up while hugging each other in front of the flames. When I thought about it, the first time we made love was in front of the flames of such a fireplace.
Of course, it wasn’t a magnificent place like the master bedroom of a castle, but a corner of a small house, but Chizuru learned how to be a woman for the first time, and I got satisfaction from the bottom of my soul for the first time.
I lightly kissed the top of Chizuru’s head.
“I don’t know if I’m nostalgic. I’ve been dreaming of hugging you in front of the flames every night. Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between reality and dreams … and when I realize it’s a dream, sometimes my tears can’t be stopped.”
Chizuru looked back at me.
“Tears …?”
“Ah.”
“Did you cry …?”
“Are you making fun of me?”
I couldn’t believe I was fluently confessing this. Even if Chizuru herself was the other person, I didn’t intend to let anyone know. But tonight, the words naturally came out of my mouth.
Chizuru shook her head with a sad expression as if she remembered something.
“No … I also cried because I wanted to see you.”
“Don’t tell Roan.”
I intended to say it playfully, but Chizuru answered, “Yeah,” with a serious face and nodded.
I missed her voice, I wanted to smell her scent, I wanted to see her smile again, and when I realized that I might never get any of it again, something slowly died inside me.
Then the idea of needing to wander around to look for her exceeded my need to take my next breath.
It was now, thus again, I was able to hold her in my arms.
I felt that the wound that had been torn apart and kept bleeding was slowly and gently being healed and closed.
I still often dream of the day when Chizuru disappeared.
Not only at night but also when I was wide awake. For example, when I was eating, I suddenly entered a daydream and couldn’t hear any of the surrounding voices, and drops of sweat began to form on my forehead.
Even after I reunited with Chizuru, the dreams stopped for a while and then suddenly recurred like an illness and continued to afflict me for a long time.
***
While I held Chizuru’s body, which had been completely chilled by the cold air and rain, I kicked the door of her room with my feet but soon realized that there was no fireplace here and stopped for a second. I then continued by saying, “Let’s go to my room. I’ll light the fireplace there.”
When I said that, Chizuru looked at me, astonished, and opened her lips as if to say something, but decided against it and just nodded silently.
The truth was, I never invited Chizuru to my room until today. I didn’t even know why. Perhaps it was because I had unconsciously drawn a line in my heart.
If I let her into my room, I couldn’t turn back anymore.
It’s funny, because I had come to a place where I couldn’t turn back long ago, but there was still a dark fear swirling in me.
What if she disappears again? That’s a fear that I didn’t think would disappear easily.
I wanted an unwavering conviction that Chizuru would never leave me, and it was difficult for me to be honest until I got it.
It left an unforgivable regret for me that she was deeply hurt in the process, but there was no hesitation anymore.
We still had a future. I will love, comfort and atone for Chizuru as much as she needs — no, even more than she needs.
After we passed through the inner door, the castle owner’s bedroom, which was much larger than Chizuru’s room, welcomed us.
There was no light, but I remembered almost all of the room’s layout, so even if I closed my eyes, it was not difficult to reach the nearby candlestick.
Once I set her down on the floor, I lit a match, switched on the lights, and transferred the fire to the fireplace.
Thanks to the dry leaves I prepared, the fire spread easily, and the fireplace immediately burned red. Behind me, I heard Chizuru sigh in relief.
As I looked back, I saw Chizuru, fascinated by the flames that slowly warmed the room, tightening the collar of the cloak with both her hands.
“Come here, Chizuru,” I called out.
Chizuru obediently took my extended hand and proceeded to draw closer to me.
The burning flame warmed both our cold bodies and illuminated the outline of our faces with orange. For a while, we stared at the flames without saying anything, as if we were biting the silence.
When the area around the fireplace had warmed up, to a certain extent, I turned to Chizuru and put my hand on the collar of her wet cloak.
“You should take it off.”
“Yeah … but that …”
Chizuru’s eyes swayed as if she was confused, so I put on a gentle smile on my face to reassure her and took off her cloak with as gentle a gesture as possible.
“I remember. I’m not doing anything tonight.”
Actually, as long as it was Chizuru, things such as the moon(TL:menstruation) , I didn’t care at all. To be honest, I wanted to take off all her clothes and warm her up in a single heartbeat right now.
Chizuru wore only a thin dress, so it took a lot of self-control and patience to prevent me from tearing it off as I wanted.
After we took off each other’s cloak, we sat on the floor in front of the fireplace and hugged each other.
I wrapped Chizuru’s back and put my nose on her thin neckline to enjoy her scent. Chizuru also slowly slid one hand over my cheeks and gently closed her eyelids as if to taste the feeling.
Time proceeded calmly, and I felt a peace of mind for the first time in 14 years.
After a while, Chizuru muttered.
“This is … nostalgic.”
I immediately understood what she was referring to. In fact, I was thinking about the same thing.
A long time ago, in the first winter since we met, we often warmed up while hugging each other in front of the flames. When I thought about it, the first time we made love was in front of the flames of such a fireplace.
Of course, it wasn’t a magnificent place like the master bedroom of a castle, but a corner of a small house, but Chizuru learned how to be a woman for the first time, and I got satisfaction from the bottom of my soul for the first time.
I lightly kissed the top of Chizuru’s head.
“I don’t know if I’m nostalgic. I’ve been dreaming of hugging you in front of the flames every night. Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between reality and dreams … and when I realize it’s a dream, sometimes my tears can’t be stopped.”
Chizuru looked back at me.
“Tears …?”
“Ah.”
“Did you cry …?”
“Are you making fun of me?”
I couldn’t believe I was fluently confessing this. Even if Chizuru herself was the other person, I didn’t intend to let anyone know. But tonight, the words naturally came out of my mouth.
Chizuru shook her head with a sad expression as if she remembered something.
“No … I also cried because I wanted to see you.”
“Don’t tell Roan.”
I intended to say it playfully, but Chizuru answered, “Yeah,” with a serious face and nodded.
I missed her voice, I wanted to smell her scent, I wanted to see her smile again, and when I realized that I might never get any of it again, something slowly died inside me.
Then the idea of needing to wander around to look for her exceeded my need to take my next breath.
It was now, thus again, I was able to hold her in my arms.
I felt that the wound that had been torn apart and kept bleeding was slowly and gently being healed and closed.
