Chapter 650
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Chapter 650
Oblivion. The state of being unaware or unconscious to what is happening.
Sounds great in theory, but not so easy to achieve. No matter how hard I try to embrace the void and do away with any and all consciousness, my mind refuses to quiet and still. I knew this coming in though, or at least part of me did, a part I shut away and never check in on. The Void is where I sent Baledagh every time I wanted him gone, consigning him, and therefore myself, to the Void. A place where time stands still, yet a thousand lifetimes pass by in an instant. Unpleasant, I called it then, and this still holds true, but the Void is not the source of my misery, for that wells up from within. In the absence of all else, my mind is all that exists, and though my eyes no longer see anything but darkness, I am still haunted by visions of torment and suffering without end. This time, however, I know these torturous recollections are self-inflicted, the workings of a tortured mind unable to cope with existence. Ive been through so much pain, so much agony, so much dread and apprehension, I dont remember how to embrace the silence and serenity of the Void, to let go and let myself just be. The peace and tranquility I so desperately desire are denied me yet again, and Ive no choice but to endure until I become desensitized to the horrors of my past and forgive myself enough to rest easy.
I just want to be left alone. Is that too much to ask?
Reliving all my torments is not even the worst of it, for there remains a stubborn, stupid, viciously optimistic part of me that clings desperately to forlorn hope. This inability to accept defeat pains me almost as much as my unpleasant memories. Time and time again, I watch my loved ones die, and the pain only grows with each viewing, but hateful hope compels me to keep watching. Desperation drives me to suffer, hope and desperation, because maybe, just maybe, if I watch it enough times, Ill find that one clue, one mistake, one thread to pull which unravels the illusion and proves their deaths were all a lie.
An outcome which scares me more than anything else.
If they are dead, then I have lost them, and the pain is immeasurable. If my loved ones still live, then I can still lose them, and I cannot bear the thought of going through this pain again. Thats all hope really is, raising expectations so it hurts all that much more when life inevitably stomps you flat. I love my family and desperately want them to be alive, want everything I just witnessed to be another of Zhen Shis lies, but even if it is, I dont want to go back. I cant go back. Let them carry on without me, because I just cant take it anymore. Im all suffered out. No more. I quit. Existence is just trials and tribulations without end, because even death does not free you, as the torment begins anew in the next life, and the next, and the next. No matter how bad off you are, things can always get worse, unless you have nothing and nowhere to go.
I dont want to hurt anymore.
Oblivion is the only solution.
Alas, mortal minds are not meant for nothingness.
I lay in the void and let the waves of agonizing memories crash against me, because there is nothing I can do and nothing I care to do about it. Suffering is all I know and remember, the good times drowned out by a deluge of bad. How many lifetimes of torment did I experience? One is too many, yet I know there are hundreds, thousands, maybe millions of lifetimes worth of anguish tucked away in my mind, the most recent results of Zhen Shis subtle and nefarious workings. How do I even know if Im free of his machinations? Maybe this is what I go through during those moments in between, the process through which he resets my memories before throwing me back into his scripted persecutions. Stick me in the Void until my mind cant take it anymore and shuts down, then its back to the mines for another lifetime of pain and suffering. How am I supposed to fight against someone like that? Its not even remotely fair. To say that the Mother or the Heavens or Fate never gives us more than we can bear is a complete and utter lie, because if that was true, then why do we falter and fail?
Thats me. Faltering and failing right here. Ive called it. Game over man, game over. I dont care anymore. I cant afford to care. This is the end. I accept it. I give in. I dont want to keep going. I dont want to try again. I just want to not exist, to do away with all awareness and subsist in blissful oblivion, but I dont know how to make it happen.
Adrift within a sea of nightmares and memories, a part of my mind detaches from the rest and sets to work solving my biggest problem. No more logic or deliberation, I know what I want so I will do what I must to do away with all thoughts, perceptions, memories, and emotions. The first I need to leave for last, while the second is already done, but still the memories haunt me and elicit emotions aplenty. Short of taking a drill to my physical brain and poking until everything goes away, I have no earthly idea how to rid myself of memories, but they only bother me because of the emotions they evoke. Fear and anguish mostly, sprinkled with hope, expectation, hatred, and anger, all of which is then drowned out by helpless self-loathing. That last bit is a big part of my problem, because I believe I deserve this punishment. I failed. I let everyone down. I walked out of my own sanctum and let Zhen Shi do this to me, and for all this and more, I deserve to suffer like the idiot I am.
Because if my family really died, if my pets didnt survive, if the Imperial Army lost on the field of battle, then I am the instrument of their destruction. The failure lies with me, and there is no excusing it.
And if they live?
There is still no excuse, because my choices put them at risk.
But theyll be alive.
Yes.
So dont you want to see them?
Yes. No. I dont know. If they live, that means I can lose them, and I cant go through that again. I cant. It hurt so much, still hurts so much, worse than anything Ive ever felt, even cutting off my fingers in the nightmare of my past. A piece of me was torn away, several pieces in fact, their existences ripped away in their moment of death. Lin-Lin, Yan, Mila, Li-Li... Mom, Dad, Alsantset, Akanai... All my friends, all my soldiers, all those people who looked up to me, depended on me, trusted me...
I failed them all, and I deserve to suffer for it.
I cant afford to hope for the best. What if Im just fooling myself with unreasonable optimism and everything I saw was real? What if my family really died? What if the battle was truly lost? What then? Ive already been through so much, but theres so much more that can hurt me. How am I supposed to look Charok, Taduk, and Husolt in the eyes, look into Tali and Tates eyes, and tell them that almost everyone they loved has died because of me? Even imagining it hurts me more than I can describe, so painful I would rather die than go through it in reality. What about all the parents who lost sons and daughters thanks to my mistakes? The children who lost parents? Wives and husbands, siblings and friends, cousins and coworkers, so many people suffering because of my failures, all which sits on my shoulders, and I am not strong enough to bear it. I shouldve never been made Legate, shouldve never taken part in the Grand Conference, shouldve never gone to Sanshu, the Society Contests, or even Shen Huo to see the sights.Updated from novelbIn.(c)om
I never shouldve left the slave pens alive, but I was too much of a coward to die.
Better than a coward who is too afraid to live.
...
But what other choice do I have?
...
But she doesnt have to get through this alone. Turning my attention to my sister beside her, I gently nudge Alsantsets thoughts towards Mom and smile as they hug and talk. I can hear their voices through the headset, which opens up fresh wounds within my chest, but I sever all the happiness, pain, sorrow, and heartache this interaction elicits and feed it to the world, all a continued part of my bid to close myself off in the Void. No need to worry, I whisper into Alsantsets ear. Youll both be fine. You have each other. And so much more. They dont need me. They were fine before I came along, and theyll be fine long after Im gone.
Unable to bear it any longer, I wrench my attention away from my loved ones and continue divesting myself of emotions and desires, but a disturbance draws my attention back to my family. Demons are nearby, powerful ones, and Defiled behind them, unseen as they move into position to break through the front lines and target my earthly body. My death would make all this much easier, but not if my family stands in their way, so I whisper a warning to everyone who needs it. Careful. Danger approaches.
Its not telepathy with which I deliver this warning to their minds, but rather it is the sentiment that makes it through, so I cannot point out the Demons themselves. The warning is too little too late however, as the formidable hit squad emerges from Concealment mid-charge. The first Death Corps soldier to die from this attack is a young man currently named Wood 57, but before that identified as Green 87 for several years. Born to the Death Corps, he has no actual name, and he wholeheartedly believes his purpose is to serve the Imperial Clan. That said, he was less than pleased when he was put to work as part of the honour guard for an Imperial Servant, especially when it became clear his master would have no patron to serve. Though no better than a living decoration, he served with all his heart, only to have his hopes and dreams crushed when his master was wedded to a foreign savage, one who then became Green 87s new master.
A master he came to respect and admire, because Falling Rain treated him as more than a mere slave.
At twenty four years young, Green 87 finally dared to dream of a better future, one which comes to an abrupt end here on the fields of Central. Such is life, for his suffering will continue in the next. It doesnt matter if hes born into wealth and happiness, because life is suffering, and in suffering, we find life.
His story is the first of many that emerges in my awareness, dozens of Death Corps lives are lost in the blink of an eye. Many are similar to Green 87, but others differ in almost every imaginable way possible. Some were born into the Death Corps, and some were consigned there, forced into servitude over some crime or dispute. Some of these valiant warriors were once farmers, tradesmen, or scholars, while others are thieves, murderers, and rapists, but one thing they have in common is the bitter sense of failure they all feel at the end, and it is a feeling I know well. Regardless of their lot in life, I bid these lost souls farewell and wish them better luck in their next lives, even as I realize that these experiences are inducing new emotions and desires faster than I can sever old ones.
Emotion is not a finite resource that can be depleted, but rather a source of power in and of itself. I live, therefore I emote, and learning of others experiences brings with it more emotion.
Which means I need to work faster. Good thing I have plenty of cubicles around.
Splitting my focus into a thousand and one equal parts, I split a thousand of those splits a thousand times again and assign them each a Natal Soul, Souls which I then set to work at their desks ridding themselves of any and all existence while leaving the largest remaining sliver free to indulge. Stone 32, Blue 67, Paper 8, Iron 41, these Death Corps soldiers and more die before the onslaught of armoured Demons. The Peak Experts have been stretched thin and it will take time to gather them in force, so there is nothing I can do besides watch as men and women die to defend me. After breaking through the sturdy Death Corps line in mere seconds, the Demons raise their heads as one and flare with darkness, emitting a baleful aura of terror and despair which sets the mortal Irregulars to fleeing.
Clever. A normal Aura would freeze the Irregulars in place, assuming they could bypass the Imperial defences. This would make it easy to slaughter the crossbow wielding commoners, but Demons and Defiled hardly need the help. Better to scatter them in all directions to spread chaos and panic while getting in the way of actual Martial Warriors.
Slow on the uptake, I realize this baleful Aura will also affect my friends and loved ones, which means theyll be at the mercy of the Enemy. Someone needs to contend against it, but Ping Ping does not respond to my entreaty, unable to understand the jumbled concepts which make it through to her grieving mind. Casting about for someone else to take on this challenge, I immediately discard Mom, Alsantset, and Mila from the pool of candidates. Not because theyre not able, but because theyre too stubborn and set in their own ways. This is something different, something unconventional, which means I need someone who is open to reason.
Song is the next person to spring to mind, but her emotions are a jumbled mess, so at odds with her normally stoic exterior. Shes worried about the Demons, but not because she fears death. The animals were scattered outside their wagons, and she cant spare the attention to check on them. Its okay though, because most of the animals are already in the wagon, alongside my comatose body. Seek Balance, I remind her, trying to help her get where she needs to be in order to counteract the Demonic Aura of Despair. Remain calm. Lin-Lin has the animals well in hand, the most capable person for this task. Remember how well they hop to obey whenever she makes them do tricks?
Instantly finding her bearings, Song opens her Core to the Heavens, and her spirits soar in response. Thanks to my imminent retreat into the Void, Heavenly Energy is amassing here in greater volumes than ever before, drawn here by my divested emotions like wind moving into a vacuum or water flowing downhill. There is no agency at work here, or none that I can sense at least, only natural laws keeping the world chugging along as per usual. That said, this concentration of Heavenly Energy makes it easier to work with, which makes me wonder why Songs Aura has yet to kindle and counteract the Enemys gambit, but even as the question takes form in my mind, Ive already reached the answer.
I am not the only person affecting this battlefield. Zhen Shi is hard at work here as well, and though I can not hear his whispers, I can sense his foul influence at work, like tracking a bird at night by its shadow crossing the sky. Zhen Shi casts a large shadow, and I can tell I am sorely outmatched. Outnumbered too, since he has so many Spectres to assist him, but theyre not the same as my Natal Souls. Spectres are severed sections of souls filled with rage, hatred, anguish, and other dark emotions, set free into the world so they no longer trouble their host, a defensive mechanism to avoid Demonization. In order to use them, Zhen Shi must first bend them to his will, making them far less versatile and effective than my self-aware Natal Souls, but the Spectres more than make up for their flaws through sheer quantity alone. Since he does not have to create the Spectres to make use of them, he has far more to draw on, whereas even with one million and one Souls, I am stretched to my utmost limit. Still, the deciding factor in this match is neither me nor Zhen Shi, but Li Song, Warrior and pet lover, so I am wholly confident she can win even without my help.
And truth be told, Im beginning to question my reasons for doing this, for influencing this battle as I am. Am I not supposed to live by the Noble Eight-fold Path? There was a clause in there about doing no harm, and by empowering others, am I not responsible for the harm they cause? Then again, if I dont empower them, and they come to harm, would I not still be responsible? Besides, though I love my friends, family, and pets, theyll all be fine without me, so really all Im doing is delaying my descent into oblivion. Hell, this might still all be an illusion, one of my own devising made to make me feel better about leaving. How do I know if any of this is real? Then again, does it matter? Self-delusion is nothing new to me, and while not the healthiest solution, if it works, it works.
Seeing Zhen Shi work his magic is frightening to behold, his presence unseen and whispers unheard, but the fruits of his labour eye-catching and obvious. Songs radiance dims as the Baleful Aura takes effect, her body quivering from head to toe. The workings of her Runic armour reveals itself to me in a moment of distraction, but it too is discarded and divested, for knowledge holds no sway over me. Focusing back on Song, I see her Oaths weighing heavily upon her and dragging her down into the depths of despair, chains which lead back to me, and through them, I finally hear my hated foe.
Fear and weakness are all you possess, Zhen Shis voice finally audible to my ears, Your true value only skin deep. Give in. Give up. Death comes, and freedom awaits.
Bullshit. Lies. Freedom is within your grasp, you only lack the courage to accept it.
Its the truth, but I cant explain it any better because I lack the words and concepts necessary to teach her. Hope flares within Song, hope for a better future, hope I would not have were I in her place, and her glorious Aura kindles and Condenses, throwing off the weight of the Enemys baleful presence. Emotionally, Song is the strongest person I know, and I am proud of how far shes come and how much shes accomplished. If anyone deserves happiness, its her, and while even I lack the power to grant it, Im confident her family will work tirelessly to make it so.
Glancing around the battlefield, I see the Death Corps guards following Mom and Alsantset into battle against the Demons, which elicits a sigh and pang of regret. More emotions to divest. When will it ever end? Theres still so much more to do, even working a million times faster isnt enough to get by, because human emotion is a bottomless well. Itll never end if I keep feeling things, if I keep wanting to help and come back.
Emptiness within and emptiness without. This is what I aim for, this is the goal I seek.
No more caring.
No more hope.
No more suffering.
Repeating this mantra over and over again, I continue my work on the battlefield while building up walls of apathy and indifference. Sweet oblivion awaits, and regardless of how this battle ends, I mean to grasp it before days end.
Chapter Meme
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Chapter 650
Oblivion. The state of being unaware or unconscious to what is happening.
Sounds great in theory, but not so easy to achieve. No matter how hard I try to embrace the void and do away with any and all consciousness, my mind refuses to quiet and still. I knew this coming in though, or at least part of me did, a part I shut away and never check in on. The Void is where I sent Baledagh every time I wanted him gone, consigning him, and therefore myself, to the Void. A place where time stands still, yet a thousand lifetimes pass by in an instant. Unpleasant, I called it then, and this still holds true, but the Void is not the source of my misery, for that wells up from within. In the absence of all else, my mind is all that exists, and though my eyes no longer see anything but darkness, I am still haunted by visions of torment and suffering without end. This time, however, I know these torturous recollections are self-inflicted, the workings of a tortured mind unable to cope with existence. Ive been through so much pain, so much agony, so much dread and apprehension, I dont remember how to embrace the silence and serenity of the Void, to let go and let myself just be. The peace and tranquility I so desperately desire are denied me yet again, and Ive no choice but to endure until I become desensitized to the horrors of my past and forgive myself enough to rest easy.
I just want to be left alone. Is that too much to ask?
Reliving all my torments is not even the worst of it, for there remains a stubborn, stupid, viciously optimistic part of me that clings desperately to forlorn hope. This inability to accept defeat pains me almost as much as my unpleasant memories. Time and time again, I watch my loved ones die, and the pain only grows with each viewing, but hateful hope compels me to keep watching. Desperation drives me to suffer, hope and desperation, because maybe, just maybe, if I watch it enough times, Ill find that one clue, one mistake, one thread to pull which unravels the illusion and proves their deaths were all a lie.
An outcome which scares me more than anything else.
If they are dead, then I have lost them, and the pain is immeasurable. If my loved ones still live, then I can still lose them, and I cannot bear the thought of going through this pain again. Thats all hope really is, raising expectations so it hurts all that much more when life inevitably stomps you flat. I love my family and desperately want them to be alive, want everything I just witnessed to be another of Zhen Shis lies, but even if it is, I dont want to go back. I cant go back. Let them carry on without me, because I just cant take it anymore. Im all suffered out. No more. I quit. Existence is just trials and tribulations without end, because even death does not free you, as the torment begins anew in the next life, and the next, and the next. No matter how bad off you are, things can always get worse, unless you have nothing and nowhere to go.
I dont want to hurt anymore.
Oblivion is the only solution.
Alas, mortal minds are not meant for nothingness.
I lay in the void and let the waves of agonizing memories crash against me, because there is nothing I can do and nothing I care to do about it. Suffering is all I know and remember, the good times drowned out by a deluge of bad. How many lifetimes of torment did I experience? One is too many, yet I know there are hundreds, thousands, maybe millions of lifetimes worth of anguish tucked away in my mind, the most recent results of Zhen Shis subtle and nefarious workings. How do I even know if Im free of his machinations? Maybe this is what I go through during those moments in between, the process through which he resets my memories before throwing me back into his scripted persecutions. Stick me in the Void until my mind cant take it anymore and shuts down, then its back to the mines for another lifetime of pain and suffering. How am I supposed to fight against someone like that? Its not even remotely fair. To say that the Mother or the Heavens or Fate never gives us more than we can bear is a complete and utter lie, because if that was true, then why do we falter and fail?
Thats me. Faltering and failing right here. Ive called it. Game over man, game over. I dont care anymore. I cant afford to care. This is the end. I accept it. I give in. I dont want to keep going. I dont want to try again. I just want to not exist, to do away with all awareness and subsist in blissful oblivion, but I dont know how to make it happen.
Adrift within a sea of nightmares and memories, a part of my mind detaches from the rest and sets to work solving my biggest problem. No more logic or deliberation, I know what I want so I will do what I must to do away with all thoughts, perceptions, memories, and emotions. The first I need to leave for last, while the second is already done, but still the memories haunt me and elicit emotions aplenty. Short of taking a drill to my physical brain and poking until everything goes away, I have no earthly idea how to rid myself of memories, but they only bother me because of the emotions they evoke. Fear and anguish mostly, sprinkled with hope, expectation, hatred, and anger, all of which is then drowned out by helpless self-loathing. That last bit is a big part of my problem, because I believe I deserve this punishment. I failed. I let everyone down. I walked out of my own sanctum and let Zhen Shi do this to me, and for all this and more, I deserve to suffer like the idiot I am.
Because if my family really died, if my pets didnt survive, if the Imperial Army lost on the field of battle, then I am the instrument of their destruction. The failure lies with me, and there is no excusing it.
And if they live?
There is still no excuse, because my choices put them at risk.
But theyll be alive.
Yes.
So dont you want to see them?
Yes. No. I dont know. If they live, that means I can lose them, and I cant go through that again. I cant. It hurt so much, still hurts so much, worse than anything Ive ever felt, even cutting off my fingers in the nightmare of my past. A piece of me was torn away, several pieces in fact, their existences ripped away in their moment of death. Lin-Lin, Yan, Mila, Li-Li... Mom, Dad, Alsantset, Akanai... All my friends, all my soldiers, all those people who looked up to me, depended on me, trusted me...
I failed them all, and I deserve to suffer for it.
I cant afford to hope for the best. What if Im just fooling myself with unreasonable optimism and everything I saw was real? What if my family really died? What if the battle was truly lost? What then? Ive already been through so much, but theres so much more that can hurt me. How am I supposed to look Charok, Taduk, and Husolt in the eyes, look into Tali and Tates eyes, and tell them that almost everyone they loved has died because of me? Even imagining it hurts me more than I can describe, so painful I would rather die than go through it in reality. What about all the parents who lost sons and daughters thanks to my mistakes? The children who lost parents? Wives and husbands, siblings and friends, cousins and coworkers, so many people suffering because of my failures, all which sits on my shoulders, and I am not strong enough to bear it. I shouldve never been made Legate, shouldve never taken part in the Grand Conference, shouldve never gone to Sanshu, the Society Contests, or even Shen Huo to see the sights.Updated from novelbIn.(c)om
I never shouldve left the slave pens alive, but I was too much of a coward to die.
Better than a coward who is too afraid to live.
...
But what other choice do I have?
...
But she doesnt have to get through this alone. Turning my attention to my sister beside her, I gently nudge Alsantsets thoughts towards Mom and smile as they hug and talk. I can hear their voices through the headset, which opens up fresh wounds within my chest, but I sever all the happiness, pain, sorrow, and heartache this interaction elicits and feed it to the world, all a continued part of my bid to close myself off in the Void. No need to worry, I whisper into Alsantsets ear. Youll both be fine. You have each other. And so much more. They dont need me. They were fine before I came along, and theyll be fine long after Im gone.
Unable to bear it any longer, I wrench my attention away from my loved ones and continue divesting myself of emotions and desires, but a disturbance draws my attention back to my family. Demons are nearby, powerful ones, and Defiled behind them, unseen as they move into position to break through the front lines and target my earthly body. My death would make all this much easier, but not if my family stands in their way, so I whisper a warning to everyone who needs it. Careful. Danger approaches.
Its not telepathy with which I deliver this warning to their minds, but rather it is the sentiment that makes it through, so I cannot point out the Demons themselves. The warning is too little too late however, as the formidable hit squad emerges from Concealment mid-charge. The first Death Corps soldier to die from this attack is a young man currently named Wood 57, but before that identified as Green 87 for several years. Born to the Death Corps, he has no actual name, and he wholeheartedly believes his purpose is to serve the Imperial Clan. That said, he was less than pleased when he was put to work as part of the honour guard for an Imperial Servant, especially when it became clear his master would have no patron to serve. Though no better than a living decoration, he served with all his heart, only to have his hopes and dreams crushed when his master was wedded to a foreign savage, one who then became Green 87s new master.
A master he came to respect and admire, because Falling Rain treated him as more than a mere slave.
At twenty four years young, Green 87 finally dared to dream of a better future, one which comes to an abrupt end here on the fields of Central. Such is life, for his suffering will continue in the next. It doesnt matter if hes born into wealth and happiness, because life is suffering, and in suffering, we find life.
His story is the first of many that emerges in my awareness, dozens of Death Corps lives are lost in the blink of an eye. Many are similar to Green 87, but others differ in almost every imaginable way possible. Some were born into the Death Corps, and some were consigned there, forced into servitude over some crime or dispute. Some of these valiant warriors were once farmers, tradesmen, or scholars, while others are thieves, murderers, and rapists, but one thing they have in common is the bitter sense of failure they all feel at the end, and it is a feeling I know well. Regardless of their lot in life, I bid these lost souls farewell and wish them better luck in their next lives, even as I realize that these experiences are inducing new emotions and desires faster than I can sever old ones.
Emotion is not a finite resource that can be depleted, but rather a source of power in and of itself. I live, therefore I emote, and learning of others experiences brings with it more emotion.
Which means I need to work faster. Good thing I have plenty of cubicles around.
Splitting my focus into a thousand and one equal parts, I split a thousand of those splits a thousand times again and assign them each a Natal Soul, Souls which I then set to work at their desks ridding themselves of any and all existence while leaving the largest remaining sliver free to indulge. Stone 32, Blue 67, Paper 8, Iron 41, these Death Corps soldiers and more die before the onslaught of armoured Demons. The Peak Experts have been stretched thin and it will take time to gather them in force, so there is nothing I can do besides watch as men and women die to defend me. After breaking through the sturdy Death Corps line in mere seconds, the Demons raise their heads as one and flare with darkness, emitting a baleful aura of terror and despair which sets the mortal Irregulars to fleeing.
Clever. A normal Aura would freeze the Irregulars in place, assuming they could bypass the Imperial defences. This would make it easy to slaughter the crossbow wielding commoners, but Demons and Defiled hardly need the help. Better to scatter them in all directions to spread chaos and panic while getting in the way of actual Martial Warriors.
Slow on the uptake, I realize this baleful Aura will also affect my friends and loved ones, which means theyll be at the mercy of the Enemy. Someone needs to contend against it, but Ping Ping does not respond to my entreaty, unable to understand the jumbled concepts which make it through to her grieving mind. Casting about for someone else to take on this challenge, I immediately discard Mom, Alsantset, and Mila from the pool of candidates. Not because theyre not able, but because theyre too stubborn and set in their own ways. This is something different, something unconventional, which means I need someone who is open to reason.
Song is the next person to spring to mind, but her emotions are a jumbled mess, so at odds with her normally stoic exterior. Shes worried about the Demons, but not because she fears death. The animals were scattered outside their wagons, and she cant spare the attention to check on them. Its okay though, because most of the animals are already in the wagon, alongside my comatose body. Seek Balance, I remind her, trying to help her get where she needs to be in order to counteract the Demonic Aura of Despair. Remain calm. Lin-Lin has the animals well in hand, the most capable person for this task. Remember how well they hop to obey whenever she makes them do tricks?
Instantly finding her bearings, Song opens her Core to the Heavens, and her spirits soar in response. Thanks to my imminent retreat into the Void, Heavenly Energy is amassing here in greater volumes than ever before, drawn here by my divested emotions like wind moving into a vacuum or water flowing downhill. There is no agency at work here, or none that I can sense at least, only natural laws keeping the world chugging along as per usual. That said, this concentration of Heavenly Energy makes it easier to work with, which makes me wonder why Songs Aura has yet to kindle and counteract the Enemys gambit, but even as the question takes form in my mind, Ive already reached the answer.
I am not the only person affecting this battlefield. Zhen Shi is hard at work here as well, and though I can not hear his whispers, I can sense his foul influence at work, like tracking a bird at night by its shadow crossing the sky. Zhen Shi casts a large shadow, and I can tell I am sorely outmatched. Outnumbered too, since he has so many Spectres to assist him, but theyre not the same as my Natal Souls. Spectres are severed sections of souls filled with rage, hatred, anguish, and other dark emotions, set free into the world so they no longer trouble their host, a defensive mechanism to avoid Demonization. In order to use them, Zhen Shi must first bend them to his will, making them far less versatile and effective than my self-aware Natal Souls, but the Spectres more than make up for their flaws through sheer quantity alone. Since he does not have to create the Spectres to make use of them, he has far more to draw on, whereas even with one million and one Souls, I am stretched to my utmost limit. Still, the deciding factor in this match is neither me nor Zhen Shi, but Li Song, Warrior and pet lover, so I am wholly confident she can win even without my help.
And truth be told, Im beginning to question my reasons for doing this, for influencing this battle as I am. Am I not supposed to live by the Noble Eight-fold Path? There was a clause in there about doing no harm, and by empowering others, am I not responsible for the harm they cause? Then again, if I dont empower them, and they come to harm, would I not still be responsible? Besides, though I love my friends, family, and pets, theyll all be fine without me, so really all Im doing is delaying my descent into oblivion. Hell, this might still all be an illusion, one of my own devising made to make me feel better about leaving. How do I know if any of this is real? Then again, does it matter? Self-delusion is nothing new to me, and while not the healthiest solution, if it works, it works.
Seeing Zhen Shi work his magic is frightening to behold, his presence unseen and whispers unheard, but the fruits of his labour eye-catching and obvious. Songs radiance dims as the Baleful Aura takes effect, her body quivering from head to toe. The workings of her Runic armour reveals itself to me in a moment of distraction, but it too is discarded and divested, for knowledge holds no sway over me. Focusing back on Song, I see her Oaths weighing heavily upon her and dragging her down into the depths of despair, chains which lead back to me, and through them, I finally hear my hated foe.
Fear and weakness are all you possess, Zhen Shis voice finally audible to my ears, Your true value only skin deep. Give in. Give up. Death comes, and freedom awaits.
Bullshit. Lies. Freedom is within your grasp, you only lack the courage to accept it.
Its the truth, but I cant explain it any better because I lack the words and concepts necessary to teach her. Hope flares within Song, hope for a better future, hope I would not have were I in her place, and her glorious Aura kindles and Condenses, throwing off the weight of the Enemys baleful presence. Emotionally, Song is the strongest person I know, and I am proud of how far shes come and how much shes accomplished. If anyone deserves happiness, its her, and while even I lack the power to grant it, Im confident her family will work tirelessly to make it so.
Glancing around the battlefield, I see the Death Corps guards following Mom and Alsantset into battle against the Demons, which elicits a sigh and pang of regret. More emotions to divest. When will it ever end? Theres still so much more to do, even working a million times faster isnt enough to get by, because human emotion is a bottomless well. Itll never end if I keep feeling things, if I keep wanting to help and come back.
Emptiness within and emptiness without. This is what I aim for, this is the goal I seek.
No more caring.
No more hope.
No more suffering.
Repeating this mantra over and over again, I continue my work on the battlefield while building up walls of apathy and indifference. Sweet oblivion awaits, and regardless of how this battle ends, I mean to grasp it before days end.
Chapter Meme
Chapter 650Oblivion. The state of being unaware or unconscious to what is happening.Sounds great in theory, but not so easy to achieve. No matter how hard I try to embrace the void and do away with any and all consciousness, my mind refuses to quiet and still. I knew this coming in though, or at least part of me did, a part I shut away and never check in on. The Void is where I sent Baledagh every time I wanted him gone, consigning him, and therefore myself, to the Void. A place where time stands still, yet a thousand lifetimes pass by in an instant. Unpleasant, I called it then, and this still holds true, but the Void is not the source of my misery, for that wells up from within. In the absence of all else, my mind is all that exists, and though my eyes no longer see anything but darkness, I am still haunted by visions of torment and suffering without end. This time, however, I know these torturous recollections are self-inflicted, the workings of a tortured mind unable to cope with existence. Ive been through so much pain, so much agony, so much dread and apprehension, I dont remember how to embrace the silence and serenity of the Void, to let go and let myself just be. The peace and tranquility I so desperately desire are denied me yet again, and Ive no choice but to endure until I become desensitized to the horrors of my past and forgive myself enough to rest easy.I just want to be left alone. Is that too much to ask?Reliving all my torments is not even the worst of it, for there remains a stubborn, stupid, viciously optimistic part of me that clings desperately to forlorn hope. This inability to accept defeat pains me almost as much as my unpleasant memories. Time and time again, I watch my loved ones die, and the pain only grows with each viewing, but hateful hope compels me to keep watching. Desperation drives me to suffer, hope and desperation, because maybe, just maybe, if I watch it enough times, Ill find that one clue, one mistake, one thread to pull which unravels the illusion and proves their deaths were all a lie.An outcome which scares me more than anything else.If they are dead, then I have lost them, and the pain is immeasurable. If my loved ones still live, then I can still lose them, and I cannot bear the thought of going through this pain again. Thats all hope really is, raising expectations so it hurts all that much more when life inevitably stomps you flat. I love my family and desperately want them to be alive, want everything I just witnessed to be another of Zhen Shis lies, but even if it is, I dont want to go back. I cant go back. Let them carry on without me, because I just cant take it anymore. Im all suffered out. No more. I quit. Existence is just trials and tribulations without end, because even death does not free you, as the torment begins anew in the next life, and the next, and the next. No matter how bad off you are, things can always get worse, unless you have nothing and nowhere to go.I dont want to hurt anymore.Oblivion is the only solution.Alas, mortal minds are not meant for nothingness.I lay in the void and let the waves of agonizing memories crash against me, because there is nothing I can do and nothing I care to do about it. Suffering is all I know and remember, the good times drowned out by a deluge of bad. How many lifetimes of torment did I experience? One is too many, yet I know there are hundreds, thousands, maybe millions of lifetimes worth of anguish tucked away in my mind, the most recent results of Zhen Shis subtle and nefarious workings. How do I even know if Im free of his machinations? Maybe this is what I go through during those moments in between, the process through which he resets my memories before throwing me back into his scripted persecutions. Stick me in the Void until my mind cant take it anymore and shuts down, then its back to the mines for another lifetime of pain and suffering. How am I supposed to fight against someone like that? Its not even remotely fair. To say that the Mother or the Heavens or Fate never gives us more than we can bear is a complete and utter lie, because if that was true, then why do we falter and fail?Thats me. Faltering and failing right here. Ive called it. Game over man, game over. I dont care anymore. I cant afford to care. This is the end. I accept it. I give in. I dont want to keep going. I dont want to try again. I just want to not exist, to do away with all awareness and subsist in blissful oblivion, but I dont know how to make it happen.Adrift within a sea of nightmares and memories, a part of my mind detaches from the rest and sets to work solving my biggest problem. No more logic or deliberation, I know what I want so I will do what I must to do away with all thoughts, perceptions, memories, and emotions. The first I need to leave for last, while the second is already done, but still the memories haunt me and elicit emotions aplenty. Short of taking a drill to my physical brain and poking until everything goes away, I have no earthly idea how to rid myself of memories, but they only bother me because of the emotions they evoke. Fear and anguish mostly, sprinkled with hope, expectation, hatred, and anger, all of which is then drowned out by helpless self-loathing. That last bit is a big part of my problem, because I believe I deserve this punishment. I failed. I let everyone down. I walked out of my own sanctum and let Zhen Shi do this to me, and for all this and more, I deserve to suffer like the idiot I am.Because if my family really died, if my pets didnt survive, if the Imperial Army lost on the field of battle, then I am the instrument of their destruction. The failure lies with me, and there is no excusing it.And if they live?There is still no excuse, because my choices put them at risk.But theyll be alive.Yes.So dont you want to see them?Yes. No. I dont know. If they live, that means I can lose them, and I cant go through that again. I cant. It hurt so much, still hurts so much, worse than anything Ive ever felt, even cutting off my fingers in the nightmare of my past. A piece of me was torn away, several pieces in fact, their existences ripped away in their moment of death. Lin-Lin, Yan, Mila, Li-Li... Mom, Dad, Alsantset, Akanai... All my friends, all my soldiers, all those people who looked up to me, depended on me, trusted me...I failed them all, and I deserve to suffer for it.I cant afford to hope for the best. What if Im just fooling myself with unreasonable optimism and everything I saw was real? What if my family really died? What if the battle was truly lost? What then? Ive already been through so much, but theres so much more that can hurt me. How am I supposed to look Charok, Taduk, and Husolt in the eyes, look into Tali and Tates eyes, and tell them that almost everyone they loved has died because of me? Even imagining it hurts me more than I can describe, so painful I would rather die than go through it in reality. What about all the parents who lost sons and daughters thanks to my mistakes? The children who lost parents? Wives and husbands, siblings and friends, cousins and coworkers, so many people suffering because of my failures, all which sits on my shoulders, and I am not strong enough to bear it. I shouldve never been made Legate, shouldve never taken part in the Grand Conference, shouldve never gone to Sanshu, the Society Contests, or even Shen Huo to see the sights.Updated from novelbIn.comI never shouldve left the slave pens alive, but I was too much of a coward to die.Better than a coward who is too afraid to live....But what other choice do I have?...But she doesnt have to get through this alone. Turning my attention to my sister beside her, I gently nudge Alsantsets thoughts towards Mom and smile as they hug and talk. I can hear their voices through the headset, which opens up fresh wounds within my chest, but I sever all the happiness, pain, sorrow, and heartache this interaction elicits and feed it to the world, all a continued part of my bid to close myself off in the Void. No need to worry, I whisper into Alsantsets ear. Youll both be fine. You have each other. And so much more. They dont need me. They were fine before I came along, and theyll be fine long after Im gone.Unable to bear it any longer, I wrench my attention away from my loved ones and continue divesting myself of emotions and desires, but a disturbance draws my attention back to my family. Demons are nearby, powerful ones, and Defiled behind them, unseen as they move into position to break through the front lines and target my earthly body. My death would make all this much easier, but not if my family stands in their way, so I whisper a warning to everyone who needs it. Careful. Danger approaches.Its not telepathy with which I deliver this warning to their minds, but rather it is the sentiment that makes it through, so I cannot point out the Demons themselves. The warning is too little too late however, as the formidable hit squad emerges from Concealment mid-charge. The first Death Corps soldier to die from this attack is a young man currently named Wood 57, but before that identified as Green 87 for several years. Born to the Death Corps, he has no actual name, and he wholeheartedly believes his purpose is to serve the Imperial Clan. That said, he was less than pleased when he was put to work as part of the honour guard for an Imperial Servant, especially when it became clear his master would have no patron to serve. Though no better than a living decoration, he served with all his heart, only to have his hopes and dreams crushed when his master was wedded to a foreign savage, one who then became Green 87s new master.A master he came to respect and admire, because Falling Rain treated him as more than a mere slave.At twenty four years young, Green 87 finally dared to dream of a better future, one which comes to an abrupt end here on the fields of Central. Such is life, for his suffering will continue in the next. It doesnt matter if hes born into wealth and happiness, because life is suffering, and in suffering, we find life.His story is the first of many that emerges in my awareness, dozens of Death Corps lives are lost in the blink of an eye. Many are similar to Green 87, but others differ in almost every imaginable way possible. Some were born into the Death Corps, and some were consigned there, forced into servitude over some crime or dispute. Some of these valiant warriors were once farmers, tradesmen, or scholars, while others are thieves, murderers, and rapists, but one thing they have in common is the bitter sense of failure they all feel at the end, and it is a feeling I know well. Regardless of their lot in life, I bid these lost souls farewell and wish them better luck in their next lives, even as I realize that these experiences are inducing new emotions and desires faster than I can sever old ones.Emotion is not a finite resource that can be depleted, but rather a source of power in and of itself. I live, therefore I emote, and learning of others experiences brings with it more emotion.Which means I need to work faster. Good thing I have plenty of cubicles around.Splitting my focus into a thousand and one equal parts, I split a thousand of those splits a thousand times again and assign them each a Natal Soul, Souls which I then set to work at their desks ridding themselves of any and all existence while leaving the largest remaining sliver free to indulge. Stone 32, Blue 67, Paper 8, Iron 41, these Death Corps soldiers and more die before the onslaught of armoured Demons. The Peak Experts have been stretched thin and it will take time to gather them in force, so there is nothing I can do besides watch as men and women die to defend me. After breaking through the sturdy Death Corps line in mere seconds, the Demons raise their heads as one and flare with darkness, emitting a baleful aura of terror and despair which sets the mortal Irregulars to fleeing.Clever. A normal Aura would freeze the Irregulars in place, assuming they could bypass the Imperial defences. This would make it easy to slaughter the crossbow wielding commoners, but Demons and Defiled hardly need the help. Better to scatter them in all directions to spread chaos and panic while getting in the way of actual Martial Warriors.Slow on the uptake, I realize this baleful Aura will also affect my friends and loved ones, which means theyll be at the mercy of the Enemy. Someone needs to contend against it, but Ping Ping does not respond to my entreaty, unable to understand the jumbled concepts which make it through to her grieving mind. Casting about for someone else to take on this challenge, I immediately discard Mom, Alsantset, and Mila from the pool of candidates. Not because theyre not able, but because theyre too stubborn and set in their own ways. This is something different, something unconventional, which means I need someone who is open to reason.Song is the next person to spring to mind, but her emotions are a jumbled mess, so at odds with her normally stoic exterior. Shes worried about the Demons, but not because she fears death. The animals were scattered outside their wagons, and she cant spare the attention to check on them. Its okay though, because most of the animals are already in the wagon, alongside my comatose body. Seek Balance, I remind her, trying to help her get where she needs to be in order to counteract the Demonic Aura of Despair. Remain calm. Lin-Lin has the animals well in hand, the most capable person for this task. Remember how well they hop to obey whenever she makes them do tricks?Instantly finding her bearings, Song opens her Core to the Heavens, and her spirits soar in response. Thanks to my imminent retreat into the Void, Heavenly Energy is amassing here in greater volumes than ever before, drawn here by my divested emotions like wind moving into a vacuum or water flowing downhill. There is no agency at work here, or none that I can sense at least, only natural laws keeping the world chugging along as per usual. That said, this concentration of Heavenly Energy makes it easier to work with, which makes me wonder why Songs Aura has yet to kindle and counteract the Enemys gambit, but even as the question takes form in my mind, Ive already reached the answer.I am not the only person affecting this battlefield. Zhen Shi is hard at work here as well, and though I can not hear his whispers, I can sense his foul influence at work, like tracking a bird at night by its shadow crossing the sky. Zhen Shi casts a large shadow, and I can tell I am sorely outmatched. Outnumbered too, since he has so many Spectres to assist him, but theyre not the same as my Natal Souls. Spectres are severed sections of souls filled with rage, hatred, anguish, and other dark emotions, set free into the world so they no longer trouble their host, a defensive mechanism to avoid Demonization. In order to use them, Zhen Shi must first bend them to his will, making them far less versatile and effective than my self-aware Natal Souls, but the Spectres more than make up for their flaws through sheer quantity alone. Since he does not have to create the Spectres to make use of them, he has far more to draw on, whereas even with one million and one Souls, I am stretched to my utmost limit. Still, the deciding factor in this match is neither me nor Zhen Shi, but Li Song, Warrior and pet lover, so I am wholly confident she can win even without my help.And truth be told, Im beginning to question my reasons for doing this, for influencing this battle as I am. Am I not supposed to live by the Noble Eight-fold Path? There was a clause in there about doing no harm, and by empowering others, am I not responsible for the harm they cause? Then again, if I dont empower them, and they come to harm, would I not still be responsible? Besides, though I love my friends, family, and pets, theyll all be fine without me, so really all Im doing is delaying my descent into oblivion. Hell, this might still all be an illusion, one of my own devising made to make me feel better about leaving. How do I know if any of this is real? Then again, does it matter? Self-delusion is nothing new to me, and while not the healthiest solution, if it works, it works.Seeing Zhen Shi work his magic is frightening to behold, his presence unseen and whispers unheard, but the fruits of his labour eye-catching and obvious. Songs radiance dims as the Baleful Aura takes effect, her body quivering from head to toe. The workings of her Runic armour reveals itself to me in a moment of distraction, but it too is discarded and divested, for knowledge holds no sway over me. Focusing back on Song, I see her Oaths weighing heavily upon her and dragging her down into the depths of despair, chains which lead back to me, and through them, I finally hear my hated foe.Fear and weakness are all you possess, Zhen Shis voice finally audible to my ears, Your true value only skin deep. Give in. Give up. Death comes, and freedom awaits.Bullshit. Lies. Freedom is within your grasp, you only lack the courage to accept it.Its the truth, but I cant explain it any better because I lack the words and concepts necessary to teach her. Hope flares within Song, hope for a better future, hope I would not have were I in her place, and her glorious Aura kindles and Condenses, throwing off the weight of the Enemys baleful presence. Emotionally, Song is the strongest person I know, and I am proud of how far shes come and how much shes accomplished. If anyone deserves happiness, its her, and while even I lack the power to grant it, Im confident her family will work tirelessly to make it so.Glancing around the battlefield, I see the Death Corps guards following Mom and Alsantset into battle against the Demons, which elicits a sigh and pang of regret. More emotions to divest. When will it ever end? Theres still so much more to do, even working a million times faster isnt enough to get by, because human emotion is a bottomless well. Itll never end if I keep feeling things, if I keep wanting to help and come back.Emptiness within and emptiness without. This is what I aim for, this is the goal I seek.No more caring.No more hope.No more suffering.Repeating this mantra over and over again, I continue my work on the battlefield while building up walls of apathy and indifference. Sweet oblivion awaits, and regardless of how this battle ends, I mean to grasp it before days end.Chapter Meme
