Ch. 22
“Cognizance”
Lady Mihaela, you, we are ticking…Kiza purrs.
I am surrounded before I feel myself fully shift back to my true form. Zanir has taken a step back when the others arrive, or what I assume is the others. I feel hands on my shoulders. Warmth radiating down my arms. A different warmth than earlier. The world is spinning. I hear voices, but it is hard to make out what they are saying. I feel myself sway and another hand on my shoulder. A flash of color like red wine moves in front of my eyes. I feel nauseous. I feel my body sway, again.
“Get…Galilea…”
I’m moving, but my feet aren’t. I am being carried. Fucking great. The light around me fades and I feel the autumn breeze die down. I’m inside. A wagon maybe? My vision is still blurry, everything is like a slow-moving picture. I feel my stomach move side to side as I am set onto something. Nyx, I feel nauseous.
I smell…lavender, something earthy and what is that? Cherries? And fucking mint. I know the sound of a mortar and pestle anywhere. What are they making? I feel a wave go through my skull. My ears start to ring.
Everything is a give and take. You gave wall after wall, door after door. It is your time to finally take your, our true power and accept it…Kiza purrs.
He is so annoying sometimes. Shut up.
A liquid is pressed against my lips. It is warm and tastes funny.
I blink and the blurry images of my surroundings start to fade. The voices, the rustling of the mortar and pestle now silent. The ringing in my ears vanishes. I take a deep breath, and everything changes.
I am suddenly in a room, or well a space. It is bright and white. There are no doors, windows, or anything as far as I can see. Kind of looks like the room back at the castle, or what I call the release the beast room. So familiar, but too quiet.
Little bat, you never rest, do you?
I whip my head around. The actual fuck? I see him nowhere, but that was his stupid voice. I whip my head in the opposite direction. No tall vampire mortal man to be seen. A white void fills every direction, surrounding every part of me. Still nothing in this white never-ending space. In the distance there are clouds that are gray much like the clouds that bring a big thunderstorm. There are also mountains running along the edges. Both are too far for me to reach. Both are fuzzy and are mostly out of focus. The fuck is happening? And where the fuck am I? A single shadow swirls in the distance.
You are in your mind.
My mind. I look around. The white continues for as far as I can see until it reaches the clouds and mountains. A single shadow stand before me. This is not the mind I have been in before. It is empty… and quiet, not crowded. What the actual fuck did they give me?
Little bat, I know you are smart. What does lavender, cherry juice, and purple mushroom root make? They added valerian root, too.
A fucking sleeping potion. Fucking shit. Frustration is boiling up in me. Remain. Calm. A sleeping potion?! Oh, how Nyx’s karma has come back to me.
Valerian root. Why does that sound familiar? What looks like a bookshelf appears to my right. This is fucking weird. This mind is controllable… In big letters on a book binding says, Valerian root properties. I reach for it. I flip the cover and read the first page, Valerian root can be used in many potions…I continue to skim. I feel my eyes narrow. They gave me a sleeping potion and a fucking sedative, a downer. To turn down my emotions, my feelings, and my powers.
Calm. I lost my shit, and it is reasonable to try and contain me, so I don’t hurt anyone, or myself, even though I’m fine. Nothing is wrong. I’m fantastic. I feel my eye twitch. Calm. No, I lost control. Calm. I fucked up. Calm. A deep breath in, and a short…A scream leaves my mouth. It simply continues through the white void of this space I am in. Where the fuck am I? This is not my mind. This is nothing. Uninhabited.
Do you know how to relax?
The shadow moving like a snake through the white voided space and moves closer to me.
What does that even mean? Relax. I am filled with a beast that could rip apart all my friends, my clan, or anyone that stands in its way. Images of creatures I have killed, with my hands, my own teeth, inked all over my body. I am filled with powers that are still untamed and wild, even after decades of training, decades of tearing myself down to build my mental walls and doors. Filled with self-doubt about possibly failing to contain the beast within. Leading to constant checking every mental door and wall, every waking moment that leaves me with plenty of sleepless nights. Filled with a need to leave the wall of stability because I, myself, am unstable. Only for all that work to be completely destroyed in a matter of days. Filled with anger from all those years and years of being told to do that and this, but not that or that other thing, and that. Trapped within walls, the walls of my home while trying to keep my skull, my mind from exploding. Filled with frustrations of the roles and duties of being a “princess.” Gag. Filled with such knowledge about creatures of the forest, spells, and potions, but I don’t even know my own father. So, no I don’t know how to relax. I cannot even fathom what relaxing feels like. I literally just went mid shift between my true form and my beast form effortlessly without even thinking about it and almost started a fucking blizzard.
You made it snow.
I feel my brain stop for a brief moment. Snow? I made snow… I love snow…I can remember making snow angels with Oana.
Throwing snowballs at Iamys and melting the ones he threw before they hit me. Riding Halfy as snow landed on my cheeks with little stings. Trying to catch snowflakes on my tongue.
The shadow slithers closer, flowing above the white ground. The white void shifts like a small earthquake. Something is changing. The clouds in the distance start to rumble.
Question for question?
I take a deep breath in, and a sigh leaves my lips. The white void shifts again. This is so fucking strange. Like it is changing.
Another deep breath in, and slowly out. I guess but I feel like I have more questions though. So, I’ll start. Where am I? Well, no, I have two questions actually. How are you able to talk to me?
Little bat, your physical body is currently on the back of Halfy. You look sweet… almost… You don’t look so angry or vicious while sleeping…The shadow swirls around, closing in. Your consciousness, though, is currently standing in your mind… I can’t even see him, but I can just envision a stupid smirk on his face. I am stuck here with his voice. Gag. You are not wrong…I hear his laugh echo through the white void. As for me. As stated before, when we held hands, something changed. You gave me some of my powers back. We are connected somehow. I can feel your cold, I can feel your heart race. I can feel you breathe. I can feel you. Like a calling. I’m drawn to you.
I feel my face grimace. I’m not learning to relax anytime soon. Great. Lovely. That’s just awesome. A scowl leaves my mouth.
This is annoying. Can I turn you off, or kick you out? I’m pretty sure there isn’t enough space in this skull for anymore voices. Great. I have officially lost it. Just here talking to the voices in my head.
Little bat, you are knocked out on the back of your Akhlut from a sleeping potion and a sedative. Your mind is wide open currently. You can’t block me out. Although our thoughts move through here but remain contained inside. The shadow glides along the floor before twisting back up. I doubt I’ll ever be turned off if you are around. The shadow stops and twists its back to face me. I’ll be hard to get out of your head even when you are awake and your power fully surges through you, so I hope you enjoy the sound of my voice.
I hiss through clench teeth. Clouds rumble again. Gross. Oh, believe me, I will find a way.
I do like watching your brain work, but I’ll enjoy watching you squirm more. I will fill your mind with all sorts of things…
Fucking gross. I will find a way even if I must rip you out piece by piece.
How lovely. All of this is just so great.
Vicious little bat you are…His tone turns… I do recall you stating your mother was the only one who could grant my powers back. Did you lie to me?
No, not technically. Selective truths. Theoretically I share the same power, but my failures outweigh the successes. You only got some of your powers back, not all of them. I remember you having more than one shadow before…I point to the black shadow moving through the air like blacken silk. Moving through the windless air. And given that gash I gave you before all this, or whatever the fuck this is…this white, too quiet, barren void… I motion my hands around me, as my voice echoes through nothing. I would say you have a better chance with my Mother. We still need information from you anyway. Plus, I seem to be just one big, splendid mess right now. I wouldn’t trust my powers currently they might turn you into a potato or something. Even though that doesn’t sound like a bad idea now that I think about it.
A faint laugh echoes around. The shadow has finally reached me, twirling between my feet.
Has this ever happened before?
Mint fills the air as the shadow twirls around my leg and back down to my feet.
As in me just shifting? Or shifting to my beast form without thinking about it? Or being a frozen blizzard making machine? Or having my emotions triggering my powers and making them crazy and unruly? Or during these times any strong emotions makes anything that touches me leave marks on my skin? Or slipping into someone’s… I stop that thought. You are going to have to be more specific.
All of it.
That is a loaded question. To this degree, not since I was very young. I have been able to repress myself, this beast, it’s power for many years, until recently. As a child I was extremely uncontrollable, and it seemed to happen very quickly. Much like this time…Like my powers grew and grew within the span of a few months. Mother brought wizards and even witches to the castle to try and help tame me even teaching me new powers that I could rely on instead. I learned to lock all my mental door and build walls to try and keep Kiza at bay. Grounding myself behind them. Although it seems now that wasn’t a good long-term plan. Kiza, I, we are too much. I feel my face frown. How are you in here? Did you find the door? Or a crack?
Like I said earlier. We are connected. Something shifted when we held hands. When our skin touched. Whether you want to admit it or not. I can feel you. I can feel your power. When it calls to me and I grab that invisible string, if you want to call it that, and pull the door open.
Well, that’s…just great. I don’t know if that is worse for me or you. According to Kiza, I am a ticking time bomb, and the fuse is running out. So, I would keep your distance.
I like explosives. Insert stupid smirk here, I’m guessing. No, I in fact know he has one. Gag. A faint laugh moves around me. When I told the barmaid we were stuck together, I wasn’t kidding. The shadow dances between my feet. I felt it almost immediately. Your skin was like touching icicles during Espa winters, but also with sparks of heat that ignited against the coldness.
Well, awesome. I scowl and my nose crinkles.
I am an acquired taste, little bat... Just give it time. His laugh fills the void. I hate that smugness. And I would say the same about you, too.
I am a lot to handle, and I like it that way, and we are going to keep it like that. My nose crinkles again, and a scowl leaves my lips as I finish. I stomp off away from his voice. Or all of Adros with be the same as Osnya. Covered in ice. The shadow twirls up my leg and around my shoulder as I march away. The shoulder that still bares faint teeth marks. Stop that.
Or what?
I feel my head slowly tilt toward his voice. Excuse me? The shadow moves under my braid causing it to fall. My eyes darken. The instinct to chase awakens within me. Clouds start cracking and faint light moves between them.
Has Kiza always been with you?
I swipe at the shadow, barely missing it. As long as I can remember. Even though that doesn’t include some of my childhood because I can’t remember a lot of it. So, I can’t say for sure. According to Kiza, he is I and I am him. We are one. Not two different beings. I swipe at the shadow again. It is so fast. It moves around my back, mint filling my nose. I spin toward it. Why do you carry mint leaves?
Reminds me of my mother. She was skilled in healing and used to carry mint with her everywhere.
I launch for the shadow using all my force, and it whips past my face. At least mint smells good. She could have carried around cloves of garlic or even rafflesias.
A laugh rips past the shadow now dancing just out of reach. Thankfully not. I never liked garlic.
Is that a vampire thing? I take up a fighting stance and put my hands out in front of me. Come on shadow. Let’s go. The shadow twirls in the air and stops a few inches in front of me. I grab for it, and it slips between my fingers.
Where did you hear that? In a book?
I look at my fingers where the shadow slipped through. What?... My eyes move to my left wrist, the Samca inked on it, and with purple finger marks wrapping around my whole wrist. A book? No, I have just heard some tales from the scouts.
Garlic won’t hurt vampires. So don’t get any funny ideas.
The shadow is twirling in the air behind my head, I can feel the tip of my braid lift. I spin around. The shadow wraps around my face and I feel warmth pass me. It is quick.
Little bat, always hunting. Always chasing…
I’m told I have a pretty active brain, sadly. I tap my index finger to my temple. Doesn’t help to have voices in here either. I spin toward the shadow again. It twirls toward my feet.
An active brain is a clever one.
A merchant sailor’s son and a philosopher, huh? I growl as I drop my hands to the white void ground. The shadow simply glides around my palms.
I am a lot of things…
The area becomes silent, and the shadow disappears. The white void becomes eerily quiet. Too quiet. The cloud sounds start to faint as well, no more flashes. I feel my lungs start to rise and fall. The feeling of the walls closing in. Where did the walls come from? Trapped within these bright, creepy white walls. Well, this is nice. Love being left alone with my own thoughts. Who knew I would actually miss the voices. Some more than others. Yeah, have definitely lost it now. This mind is too quiet. To white. To voided. Walls moving closer to me replacing the once darken silk shadow.
Ch. 22
“Cognizance”
Lady Mihaela, you, we are ticking…Kiza purrs.
I am surrounded before I feel myself fully shift back to my true form. Zanir has taken a step back when the others arrive, or what I assume is the others. I feel hands on my shoulders. Warmth radiating down my arms. A different warmth than earlier. The world is spinning. I hear voices, but it is hard to make out what they are saying. I feel myself sway and another hand on my shoulder. A flash of color like red wine moves in front of my eyes. I feel nauseous. I feel my body sway, again.
“Get…Galilea…”
I’m moving, but my feet aren’t. I am being carried. Fucking great. The light around me fades and I feel the autumn breeze die down. I’m inside. A wagon maybe? My vision is still blurry, everything is like a slow-moving picture. I feel my stomach move side to side as I am set onto something. Nyx, I feel nauseous.
I smell…lavender, something earthy and what is that? Cherries? And fucking mint. I know the sound of a mortar and pestle anywhere. What are they making? I feel a wave go through my skull. My ears start to ring.
Everything is a give and take. You gave wall after wall, door after door. It is your time to finally take your, our true power and accept it…Kiza purrs.
He is so annoying sometimes. Shut up.
A liquid is pressed against my lips. It is warm and tastes funny.
I blink and the blurry images of my surroundings start to fade. The voices, the rustling of the mortar and pestle now silent. The ringing in my ears vanishes. I take a deep breath, and everything changes.
I am suddenly in a room, or well a space. It is bright and white. There are no doors, windows, or anything as far as I can see. Kind of looks like the room back at the castle, or what I call the release the beast room. So familiar, but too quiet.
Little bat, you never rest, do you?
I whip my head around. The actual fuck? I see him nowhere, but that was his stupid voice. I whip my head in the opposite direction. No tall vampire mortal man to be seen. A white void fills every direction, surrounding every part of me. Still nothing in this white never-ending space. In the distance there are clouds that are gray much like the clouds that bring a big thunderstorm. There are also mountains running along the edges. Both are too far for me to reach. Both are fuzzy and are mostly out of focus. The fuck is happening? And where the fuck am I? A single shadow swirls in the distance.
You are in your mind.
My mind. I look around. The white continues for as far as I can see until it reaches the clouds and mountains. A single shadow stand before me. This is not the mind I have been in before. It is empty… and quiet, not crowded. What the actual fuck did they give me?
Little bat, I know you are smart. What does lavender, cherry juice, and purple mushroom root make? They added valerian root, too.
A fucking sleeping potion. Fucking shit. Frustration is boiling up in me. Remain. Calm. A sleeping potion?! Oh, how Nyx’s karma has come back to me.
Valerian root. Why does that sound familiar? What looks like a bookshelf appears to my right. This is fucking weird. This mind is controllable… In big letters on a book binding says, Valerian root properties. I reach for it. I flip the cover and read the first page, Valerian root can be used in many potions…I continue to skim. I feel my eyes narrow. They gave me a sleeping potion and a fucking sedative, a downer. To turn down my emotions, my feelings, and my powers.
Calm. I lost my shit, and it is reasonable to try and contain me, so I don’t hurt anyone, or myself, even though I’m fine. Nothing is wrong. I’m fantastic. I feel my eye twitch. Calm. No, I lost control. Calm. I fucked up. Calm. A deep breath in, and a short…A scream leaves my mouth. It simply continues through the white void of this space I am in. Where the fuck am I? This is not my mind. This is nothing. Uninhabited.
Do you know how to relax?
The shadow moving like a snake through the white voided space and moves closer to me.
What does that even mean? Relax. I am filled with a beast that could rip apart all my friends, my clan, or anyone that stands in its way. Images of creatures I have killed, with my hands, my own teeth, inked all over my body. I am filled with powers that are still untamed and wild, even after decades of training, decades of tearing myself down to build my mental walls and doors. Filled with self-doubt about possibly failing to contain the beast within. Leading to constant checking every mental door and wall, every waking moment that leaves me with plenty of sleepless nights. Filled with a need to leave the wall of stability because I, myself, am unstable. Only for all that work to be completely destroyed in a matter of days. Filled with anger from all those years and years of being told to do that and this, but not that or that other thing, and that. Trapped within walls, the walls of my home while trying to keep my skull, my mind from exploding. Filled with frustrations of the roles and duties of being a “princess.” Gag. Filled with such knowledge about creatures of the forest, spells, and potions, but I don’t even know my own father. So, no I don’t know how to relax. I cannot even fathom what relaxing feels like. I literally just went mid shift between my true form and my beast form effortlessly without even thinking about it and almost started a fucking blizzard.
You made it snow.
I feel my brain stop for a brief moment. Snow? I made snow… I love snow…I can remember making snow angels with Oana.
Throwing snowballs at Iamys and melting the ones he threw before they hit me. Riding Halfy as snow landed on my cheeks with little stings. Trying to catch snowflakes on my tongue.
The shadow slithers closer, flowing above the white ground. The white void shifts like a small earthquake. Something is changing. The clouds in the distance start to rumble.
Question for question?
I take a deep breath in, and a sigh leaves my lips. The white void shifts again. This is so fucking strange. Like it is changing.
Another deep breath in, and slowly out. I guess but I feel like I have more questions though. So, I’ll start. Where am I? Well, no, I have two questions actually. How are you able to talk to me?
Little bat, your physical body is currently on the back of Halfy. You look sweet… almost… You don’t look so angry or vicious while sleeping…The shadow swirls around, closing in. Your consciousness, though, is currently standing in your mind… I can’t even see him, but I can just envision a stupid smirk on his face. I am stuck here with his voice. Gag. You are not wrong…I hear his laugh echo through the white void. As for me. As stated before, when we held hands, something changed. You gave me some of my powers back. We are connected somehow. I can feel your cold, I can feel your heart race. I can feel you breathe. I can feel you. Like a calling. I’m drawn to you.
I feel my face grimace. I’m not learning to relax anytime soon. Great. Lovely. That’s just awesome. A scowl leaves my mouth.
This is annoying. Can I turn you off, or kick you out? I’m pretty sure there isn’t enough space in this skull for anymore voices. Great. I have officially lost it. Just here talking to the voices in my head.
Little bat, you are knocked out on the back of your Akhlut from a sleeping potion and a sedative. Your mind is wide open currently. You can’t block me out. Although our thoughts move through here but remain contained inside. The shadow glides along the floor before twisting back up. I doubt I’ll ever be turned off if you are around. The shadow stops and twists its back to face me. I’ll be hard to get out of your head even when you are awake and your power fully surges through you, so I hope you enjoy the sound of my voice.
I hiss through clench teeth. Clouds rumble again. Gross. Oh, believe me, I will find a way.
I do like watching your brain work, but I’ll enjoy watching you squirm more. I will fill your mind with all sorts of things…
Fucking gross. I will find a way even if I must rip you out piece by piece.
How lovely. All of this is just so great.
Vicious little bat you are…His tone turns… I do recall you stating your mother was the only one who could grant my powers back. Did you lie to me?
No, not technically. Selective truths. Theoretically I share the same power, but my failures outweigh the successes. You only got some of your powers back, not all of them. I remember you having more than one shadow before…I point to the black shadow moving through the air like blacken silk. Moving through the windless air. And given that gash I gave you before all this, or whatever the fuck this is…this white, too quiet, barren void… I motion my hands around me, as my voice echoes through nothing. I would say you have a better chance with my Mother. We still need information from you anyway. Plus, I seem to be just one big, splendid mess right now. I wouldn’t trust my powers currently they might turn you into a potato or something. Even though that doesn’t sound like a bad idea now that I think about it.
A faint laugh echoes around. The shadow has finally reached me, twirling between my feet.
Has this ever happened before?
Mint fills the air as the shadow twirls around my leg and back down to my feet.
As in me just shifting? Or shifting to my beast form without thinking about it? Or being a frozen blizzard making machine? Or having my emotions triggering my powers and making them crazy and unruly? Or during these times any strong emotions makes anything that touches me leave marks on my skin? Or slipping into someone’s… I stop that thought. You are going to have to be more specific.
All of it.
That is a loaded question. To this degree, not since I was very young. I have been able to repress myself, this beast, it’s power for many years, until recently. As a child I was extremely uncontrollable, and it seemed to happen very quickly. Much like this time…Like my powers grew and grew within the span of a few months. Mother brought wizards and even witches to the castle to try and help tame me even teaching me new powers that I could rely on instead. I learned to lock all my mental door and build walls to try and keep Kiza at bay. Grounding myself behind them. Although it seems now that wasn’t a good long-term plan. Kiza, I, we are too much. I feel my face frown. How are you in here? Did you find the door? Or a crack?
Like I said earlier. We are connected. Something shifted when we held hands. When our skin touched. Whether you want to admit it or not. I can feel you. I can feel your power. When it calls to me and I grab that invisible string, if you want to call it that, and pull the door open.
Well, that’s…just great. I don’t know if that is worse for me or you. According to Kiza, I am a ticking time bomb, and the fuse is running out. So, I would keep your distance.
I like explosives. Insert stupid smirk here, I’m guessing. No, I in fact know he has one. Gag. A faint laugh moves around me. When I told the barmaid we were stuck together, I wasn’t kidding. The shadow dances between my feet. I felt it almost immediately. Your skin was like touching icicles during Espa winters, but also with sparks of heat that ignited against the coldness.
Well, awesome. I scowl and my nose crinkles.
I am an acquired taste, little bat... Just give it time. His laugh fills the void. I hate that smugness. And I would say the same about you, too.
I am a lot to handle, and I like it that way, and we are going to keep it like that. My nose crinkles again, and a scowl leaves my lips as I finish. I stomp off away from his voice. Or all of Adros with be the same as Osnya. Covered in ice. The shadow twirls up my leg and around my shoulder as I march away. The shoulder that still bares faint teeth marks. Stop that.
Or what?
I feel my head slowly tilt toward his voice. Excuse me? The shadow moves under my braid causing it to fall. My eyes darken. The instinct to chase awakens within me. Clouds start cracking and faint light moves between them.
Has Kiza always been with you?
I swipe at the shadow, barely missing it. As long as I can remember. Even though that doesn’t include some of my childhood because I can’t remember a lot of it. So, I can’t say for sure. According to Kiza, he is I and I am him. We are one. Not two different beings. I swipe at the shadow again. It is so fast. It moves around my back, mint filling my nose. I spin toward it. Why do you carry mint leaves?
Reminds me of my mother. She was skilled in healing and used to carry mint with her everywhere.
I launch for the shadow using all my force, and it whips past my face. At least mint smells good. She could have carried around cloves of garlic or even rafflesias.
A laugh rips past the shadow now dancing just out of reach. Thankfully not. I never liked garlic.
Is that a vampire thing? I take up a fighting stance and put my hands out in front of me. Come on shadow. Let’s go. The shadow twirls in the air and stops a few inches in front of me. I grab for it, and it slips between my fingers.
Where did you hear that? In a book?
I look at my fingers where the shadow slipped through. What?... My eyes move to my left wrist, the Samca inked on it, and with purple finger marks wrapping around my whole wrist. A book? No, I have just heard some tales from the scouts.
Garlic won’t hurt vampires. So don’t get any funny ideas.
The shadow is twirling in the air behind my head, I can feel the tip of my braid lift. I spin around. The shadow wraps around my face and I feel warmth pass me. It is quick.
Little bat, always hunting. Always chasing…
I’m told I have a pretty active brain, sadly. I tap my index finger to my temple. Doesn’t help to have voices in here either. I spin toward the shadow again. It twirls toward my feet.
An active brain is a clever one.
A merchant sailor’s son and a philosopher, huh? I growl as I drop my hands to the white void ground. The shadow simply glides around my palms.
I am a lot of things…
The area becomes silent, and the shadow disappears. The white void becomes eerily quiet. Too quiet. The cloud sounds start to faint as well, no more flashes. I feel my lungs start to rise and fall. The feeling of the walls closing in. Where did the walls come from? Trapped within these bright, creepy white walls. Well, this is nice. Love being left alone with my own thoughts. Who knew I would actually miss the voices. Some more than others. Yeah, have definitely lost it now. This mind is too quiet. To white. To voided. Walls moving closer to me replacing the once darken silk shadow.
