.
.
.
Jose and I walked back to the apartment where Totomaru was waiting for us.
Neither one of us spoke, and his disdain at the fact that I had pretended to be unconscious was evident in his silence alone. Still, I fulfilled his conditions to get the reward I needed.
When we got to the door of the apartment he stopped and turned around, handing me a small bronze key with the Phantom Lord guild logo on it. “It’s a warp key. It’ll send you on a one-way trip to the Phantom Lord headquarters in the mountains behind Oak Town.”
Taking the item from his hand without a word, I moved to enter the room before his hands landed on my shoulder, “And Lyssa?”
“What.”
Obviously displeased with my annoyed tone, Jose’s grip tightened on me. I could feel some of my bones popping and breaking but my face didn’t change from one of indifference. “Next time I ask of you for something, I expect you to not hold back when doing so.”
He walked away afterwards without giving me a moment to respond.
Inside I saw Totomaru sitting on his bed reading something from Sorcerer Weekly magazine. When I moved to sit on my bed, he looked at me with curiosity in his eyes. “Sooo? How’d it go?”
“It ended in a draw.”
“Wait, really?” he said in shock as he sat up on the bed. “Was this girl that strong or something?”
“She’d beat you without a problem, I can say that much,” I said as I rubbed my forehead my skin began to feel clammy. “But my healing outpaced her. I just pretended to be knocked out after the last attack.”
“Ah, I get it.”
“You do?”
“You decided to let Fairy Tail save some face. A draw on both sides will be better than the smaller guild getting beaten by the larger one.”
“Yeah…”
“But what made you decide to do that? You usually don’t hold back.”
“I don’t know! Do you want me to murder everyone I come across? Because I could easily do that. End up with a bounty on my head and labelled a dark wizard. It would be fun!”
Both of us seemed to be surprised by the sudden venom in my voice, causing me to cradle my head in my hands.
“Sorry. Something happened in the fight and my head is just…”
Totomaru placed his arm around my shoulder, “I get it. You don’t need to say anything more. I drew a bath for you when I heard the fighting stop, and figured it would be a nice reward. Why don’t you take the opportunity to clear your head?”
“Thank you, Totomaru…” I gave him a brief hug before standing up and making my way to the bathroom.
“Just let me know if you need anything.”
Stepping into the bathroom I started to strip down, but the sight of myself in the mirror caused me to stop. Dirt, grime, and blood had begun to cake up in my hair and dry on my skin.
In that brief instant, the image in the mirror changed to that of a young girl dressed in rags, covered in a similar mess. Her red hair matched the blood that stained the improvised armour she had on, and her brown eyes looked at me as they curved with happiness.
The image of a younger Erza vanished with a blink, revealing my demonic state to be standing there in its place. My breathing became heavy and fast as my body began to lose any feeling of warmth. It felt like my skin was going to crack as I became colder and colder.
I could hear my heartbeat pound and pound inside my ears. Shaky hands became the only thing keeping me up, my only support being their uneasy grip on the sink. My legs buckled. I tried to breathe. I couldn’t breathe. The bathroom was too small. There wasn’t air to breathe.
The feeling in my fingers vanished. The edges of my vision began to warp as my sight became a distorted mess. Without warning bile rushed up my throat and forced me to vomit into the sink. I couldn’t stop, and it made it harder to breathe as every inhale of air was blocked by an exhale of bile.
I needed air.
I needed to get out of the bathroom.
Whatever feeling I had in my legs vanished as I tried to take a step towards the door, causing me to crash my head into the wall. When I looked up everything around had begun to grow and advance, causing the small bathroom to feel more cramped and tighter as the agonizing seconds felt like minutes.
I felt something grab me and hold me to it. I didn’t know what it was. I was scared. I was scared and grabbed onto it without a second thought. I hoped it could do something, anything, to stop whatever was going on. My heart felt like it was going to burst. The drumming in my head just got louder and louder.
Each second felt like someone was pushing me towards death before pulling me back like my body had been reduced to a playtoy for a monster beyond my understanding.
I felt weak. I felt like a child. I felt weaker than a child.
The thing that was holding me pulled it tighter to it, wrapping me in its presence and shrouding me from the light in the bathroom. It smelled familiar. It felt familiar. It sounded familiar. Its hand kept rubbing my back in a soothing motion.
Slowly my breathing began to calm down. Fresh air began to enter my lungs and with it the scent of lavender. What felt like an hour passed with Totomaru just hugging me close to him while we sat on the bathroom floor. And I felt safe.
It reminded me of how William used to hug me to sleep every night back at the R-System. The memories ran through my head, each and every detail perfect and clear, and I couldn’t help but break down again. My tears and snot stained Totomaru’s shirt as my grip on him tightened, his own arms holding me to him harder as if to banish any idea of him leaving me at that moment.
Memories I had tried to suppress came back again and with them the pain and fear, the weakness and helplessness that I had in those moments.
When my crying had stopped, Totomaru asked me a loaded question. “What happened back in that fight?”
“I…umm…I don’t know where to begin…”
“Just…tell me what you remember then. Start at the beginning.”
Nodding my head I took a deep breath before starting, “Memories are a funny thing, aren’t they?”
And explained everything. From the childhood I experienced at Rosemary, to the R-System, the slave uprising, Jellal’s possession, meeting the captain, and how my mother started the destruction of Himura.
I didn’t leave a single detail out of place. Everything I remembered, I told to him. And he just sat there, holding me while we sat on the floor and I unloaded every worry and fear I had built up inside. I hadn’t told anyone anything about what had happened to me. Not the Captain, not Mia, not Akihiko, not Taiyo. And I told Totomaru everything without stopping.
“And so, when she mentioned Erza…it was like someone shoved a knife in between my ribs. I could either pull it out and bleed to death or leave it in the hopes I could find a doctor…”
“Do you want to see her?”
“No. What if I go to their guild hall and it ends up being a different girl named Erza? What if it's the same person but she changed too much to be called the same person? What if she doesn’t care about everyone at the Tower, or has already told the Council and something happened and now everyone there ended up suffering more because of it? What if-?”
“Enough.” Totomaru hit me in the back of my head to knock me out of my rambling. “Worrying about what-ifs isn’t going to do anything other than give you another panic attack, okay?”
“I just…don’t know what to do…”
“Well, you planned to save them yourself, right? Is that still a goal?”
“That's why I convinced Jose to give me access to his magic library…”
“That's a good starting point, but what about afterwards? Or even before that. Strength can only get you so far. You’ll need a plan, and some friends, you’ll need to think about what to do afterwards.”
“What do you mean…?”
“When I signed up for a job in the Himura guard I initially only did it for the money and the training. But after a while, I started to take more pride in the knowledge that I was able to help people even if they didn’t know or care that I did. I took pride in knowing that I was someone capable of helping people. Maybe you should try to do the same thing? Don’t just aim to be someone strong enough to protect them and help them, but also someone resourceful and capable of helping them too.”
“Maybe…”
“Just think about what you plan to do, alright?” He helped me up before making his way out of the bathroom. “I’ll go get us something to eat while you clean off. There isn’t any need to rush this, okay?”
“Thank you again, Totomaru…If there's anything I can do to say thank you just-”
“Hey. None of that,” he raised his hand and started patting me on the head with a bright smile on his face, “Helping our younger siblings is just what big brothers do.”
.
.
.
.
.
.
Jose and I walked back to the apartment where Totomaru was waiting for us.
Neither one of us spoke, and his disdain at the fact that I had pretended to be unconscious was evident in his silence alone. Still, I fulfilled his conditions to get the reward I needed.
When we got to the door of the apartment he stopped and turned around, handing me a small bronze key with the Phantom Lord guild logo on it. “It’s a warp key. It’ll send you on a one-way trip to the Phantom Lord headquarters in the mountains behind Oak Town.”
Taking the item from his hand without a word, I moved to enter the room before his hands landed on my shoulder, “And Lyssa?”
“What.”
Obviously displeased with my annoyed tone, Jose’s grip tightened on me. I could feel some of my bones popping and breaking but my face didn’t change from one of indifference. “Next time I ask of you for something, I expect you to not hold back when doing so.”
He walked away afterwards without giving me a moment to respond.
Inside I saw Totomaru sitting on his bed reading something from Sorcerer Weekly magazine. When I moved to sit on my bed, he looked at me with curiosity in his eyes. “Sooo? How’d it go?”
“It ended in a draw.”
“Wait, really?” he said in shock as he sat up on the bed. “Was this girl that strong or something?”
“She’d beat you without a problem, I can say that much,” I said as I rubbed my forehead my skin began to feel clammy. “But my healing outpaced her. I just pretended to be knocked out after the last attack.”
“Ah, I get it.”
“You do?”
“You decided to let Fairy Tail save some face. A draw on both sides will be better than the smaller guild getting beaten by the larger one.”
“Yeah…”
“But what made you decide to do that? You usually don’t hold back.”
“I don’t know! Do you want me to murder everyone I come across? Because I could easily do that. End up with a bounty on my head and labelled a dark wizard. It would be fun!”
Both of us seemed to be surprised by the sudden venom in my voice, causing me to cradle my head in my hands.
“Sorry. Something happened in the fight and my head is just…”
Totomaru placed his arm around my shoulder, “I get it. You don’t need to say anything more. I drew a bath for you when I heard the fighting stop, and figured it would be a nice reward. Why don’t you take the opportunity to clear your head?”
“Thank you, Totomaru…” I gave him a brief hug before standing up and making my way to the bathroom.
“Just let me know if you need anything.”
Stepping into the bathroom I started to strip down, but the sight of myself in the mirror caused me to stop. Dirt, grime, and blood had begun to cake up in my hair and dry on my skin.
In that brief instant, the image in the mirror changed to that of a young girl dressed in rags, covered in a similar mess. Her red hair matched the blood that stained the improvised armour she had on, and her brown eyes looked at me as they curved with happiness.
The image of a younger Erza vanished with a blink, revealing my demonic state to be standing there in its place. My breathing became heavy and fast as my body began to lose any feeling of warmth. It felt like my skin was going to crack as I became colder and colder.
I could hear my heartbeat pound and pound inside my ears. Shaky hands became the only thing keeping me up, my only support being their uneasy grip on the sink. My legs buckled. I tried to breathe. I couldn’t breathe. The bathroom was too small. There wasn’t air to breathe.
The feeling in my fingers vanished. The edges of my vision began to warp as my sight became a distorted mess. Without warning bile rushed up my throat and forced me to vomit into the sink. I couldn’t stop, and it made it harder to breathe as every inhale of air was blocked by an exhale of bile.
I needed air.
I needed to get out of the bathroom.
Whatever feeling I had in my legs vanished as I tried to take a step towards the door, causing me to crash my head into the wall. When I looked up everything around had begun to grow and advance, causing the small bathroom to feel more cramped and tighter as the agonizing seconds felt like minutes.
I felt something grab me and hold me to it. I didn’t know what it was. I was scared. I was scared and grabbed onto it without a second thought. I hoped it could do something, anything, to stop whatever was going on. My heart felt like it was going to burst. The drumming in my head just got louder and louder.
Each second felt like someone was pushing me towards death before pulling me back like my body had been reduced to a playtoy for a monster beyond my understanding.
I felt weak. I felt like a child. I felt weaker than a child.
The thing that was holding me pulled it tighter to it, wrapping me in its presence and shrouding me from the light in the bathroom. It smelled familiar. It felt familiar. It sounded familiar. Its hand kept rubbing my back in a soothing motion.
Slowly my breathing began to calm down. Fresh air began to enter my lungs and with it the scent of lavender. What felt like an hour passed with Totomaru just hugging me close to him while we sat on the bathroom floor. And I felt safe.
It reminded me of how William used to hug me to sleep every night back at the R-System. The memories ran through my head, each and every detail perfect and clear, and I couldn’t help but break down again. My tears and snot stained Totomaru’s shirt as my grip on him tightened, his own arms holding me to him harder as if to banish any idea of him leaving me at that moment.
Memories I had tried to suppress came back again and with them the pain and fear, the weakness and helplessness that I had in those moments.
When my crying had stopped, Totomaru asked me a loaded question. “What happened back in that fight?”
“I…umm…I don’t know where to begin…”
“Just…tell me what you remember then. Start at the beginning.”
Nodding my head I took a deep breath before starting, “Memories are a funny thing, aren’t they?”
And explained everything. From the childhood I experienced at Rosemary, to the R-System, the slave uprising, Jellal’s possession, meeting the captain, and how my mother started the destruction of Himura.
I didn’t leave a single detail out of place. Everything I remembered, I told to him. And he just sat there, holding me while we sat on the floor and I unloaded every worry and fear I had built up inside. I hadn’t told anyone anything about what had happened to me. Not the Captain, not Mia, not Akihiko, not Taiyo. And I told Totomaru everything without stopping.
“And so, when she mentioned Erza…it was like someone shoved a knife in between my ribs. I could either pull it out and bleed to death or leave it in the hopes I could find a doctor…”
“Do you want to see her?”
“No. What if I go to their guild hall and it ends up being a different girl named Erza? What if it's the same person but she changed too much to be called the same person? What if she doesn’t care about everyone at the Tower, or has already told the Council and something happened and now everyone there ended up suffering more because of it? What if-?”
“Enough.” Totomaru hit me in the back of my head to knock me out of my rambling. “Worrying about what-ifs isn’t going to do anything other than give you another panic attack, okay?”
“I just…don’t know what to do…”
“Well, you planned to save them yourself, right? Is that still a goal?”
“That's why I convinced Jose to give me access to his magic library…”
“That's a good starting point, but what about afterwards? Or even before that. Strength can only get you so far. You’ll need a plan, and some friends, you’ll need to think about what to do afterwards.”
“What do you mean…?”
“When I signed up for a job in the Himura guard I initially only did it for the money and the training. But after a while, I started to take more pride in the knowledge that I was able to help people even if they didn’t know or care that I did. I took pride in knowing that I was someone capable of helping people. Maybe you should try to do the same thing? Don’t just aim to be someone strong enough to protect them and help them, but also someone resourceful and capable of helping them too.”
“Maybe…”
“Just think about what you plan to do, alright?” He helped me up before making his way out of the bathroom. “I’ll go get us something to eat while you clean off. There isn’t any need to rush this, okay?”
“Thank you again, Totomaru…If there's anything I can do to say thank you just-”
“Hey. None of that,” he raised his hand and started patting me on the head with a bright smile on his face, “Helping our younger siblings is just what big brothers do.”
.
.
.
