Erica looked away and bit her lip. Yuki must have caught her staring again when Akira was talking to Yuki. She couldn’t help herself. Seeing the two of them, two girls, smiling at each other with love pulled at her heart. It reminded her of things she tried to run from.
‘How do I reply?’
Normally, Erica considered herself a good liar. But Yuki wasn’t one that easily missed things that she found important or interesting. Maybe Erica could have tricked her if Yuki’s question was just a passing comment, but with Yuki’s worried eyes locked onto Erica’s every move, she doubted whether she could even twist the truth.
“Erica. What are you thinking about?” Yuki said, her sharp voice piercing through Erica’s jumbled thoughts.
‘Could she tell that I wanted to lie?’ Erica wondered. She wouldn’t put it past Yuki.
“What do you mean?” Erica asked with a hesitant smile.
“Are you alright? You’ve been looking a bit…” Yuki paused. “Distracted.”
‘That’s a nice way of putting it,’ Erica thought though her anxiety lessened a bit at the gesture.
“What’s been bothering you?” Yuki said.
“I don’t know. I don’t really want to talk about it,” Erica sighed. Yuki stared at her for a bit before nodding.
“Alright then. Talk to me when you’re ready then,” she said.
“Wait, you aren’t going to pressure me?” Erica frowned.
“Well, I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable,” Yuki replied, her voice a bit confused. “I don’t like pushing people unless I have to.”
Erica blinked. That wasn’t the response she was expecting. From watching Yuki interact with other people, she seemed to be the type that would nudge the other constantly until they folded or it became apparent that they wouldn’t reply.
‘I might have told her if she kept going at it.’
Now she just felt an odd feeling of loss, like someone had forfeited a fight that she had been preparing herself up for. It was a weird mix of relief, confusion, and just the tiniest hint of annoyance.
Yuki settled back down on the couch and closed her eyes. Erica stared at her, her thoughts still bouncing about in her mind. She didn’t believe Yuki would actually leave it like that, but as time went by and none of them spoke, that feeling of loss grew. Her mind went back to the scene of Akira and Yuki staring at each other with loving smiles and her chest clutched again.
‘I want to tell her.’
The urges to spill her guts and to cry in private began to war within her. On one hand, she would probably start crying in front of Yuki and Yuki would find out things about her that she didn’t want to be found out. On the other hand, she would feel terrible anyway since she didn’t want to hide things from Yuki. As time marched forward and the alone time she had with Yuki continued to shrink, the telling side took the upper hand.
‘Yuki wouldn’t hate me,’ Erica decided. She paused and cringed. ‘Maybe.’
“I’ll talk,” Erica said quietly. Yuki didn’t reply, but somehow, Erica knew she was listening. “You and Akira together just reminds me of something from before.”
“Before?” Yuki said, her eyes opening and turning towards Erica.
“Yeah.” She bit her lip. “When I was still living with other succubi. Before I, you know, had to leave.”
It happened decades ago. But saying the words still stung her.
“It was mainly my fault,” she continued. “I shouldn’t have given them any reason to do it. Shouldn’t have done what I did. I was too stupid back then. Too young. And too violent.”
“But what does it remind you of?” Yuki asked.
Erica blinked again. She didn’t ask about what Erica had done. She had bulldozed right past that.
“Um, well. Obviously, the others knew I like women. They had to have found out somehow,” Erica said. “I had a bond with someone before. Another succubi. She was, in many ways, my first. My first love. My first kiss. My first fuck.”
Yuki’s lips twitched at that and Erica let herself smile as well.
“Yeah. I couldn’t think of a better word for that. But she was. She was bi I think. She was pretty important and had been with a few guys before, so I didn’t expect that she would like me. I was so confused as well. I thought I had hid my likes so well, but she saw right through me.”
‘Just like you’ she didn’t say.
“I couldn’t believe how happy I was when she kissed me. It was the first time I ever found someone like that. The first time I could truly open up. I didn’t have to lie in front of others and compliment guys when I would have preferred to talk about the girls next to them. I didn’t have to sit around awkwardly when the others talked about things I couldn’t understand. I didn’t mind when she told me to keep everything a secret when we bonded with each other.
“But secrets are hard to keep. Especially one like ours. It was bound to get revealed in some way or another. It didn’t help that my preference for women was a bit of an open secret since I didn’t know better before.” She sighed. “To make things short, our secret go revealed because of something I did. Then more things happened and I was told to leave or they would force me to. I understood why, so I left.”
“What happened to her?” Yuki asked, her voice soft.
“Um. She died.”
“What was her name?”
“Faye.” Saying her same dug up memories that Erica had shoved deep into the corners of her mind. Her heart wrung as she remembered the late nights she had with Faye cuddled up in Faye’s room. Faye’s brilliant smile that lit up Erica’s darkest days. “Her name was Faye.”
And she was dead. Erica had already come to terms with this reality, but it still shook her whenever she thought of it. Faye had been with her for years, decades. But it only took a moment for her to disappear from Erica’s life. Her lip trembled and she shut her eyes as the memories began to flood her.
“It was my fault. My fault,” Erica whispered. “My fault.”
A cool hand touched her cheek and a thumb brushed away a tear that had leaked out. Erica let herself lean into it.
“How was it your fault?” Yuki said.
“I should have protected her. It was my job,” Erica replied, barely getting the words out. “I failed. I failed her.”
Yuki quieted and rubbed Erica’s cheek softly with her thumb.
“I’m sorry,” Erica said. “I’m a mess.”
“We’re all a mess sometimes,” Yuki replied.
“But I’m like a trash can right now.”
“Then that’ll make me a raccoon.”
Erica’s lips twitched. “Raccoons are cute.”
“Thank you.”
Erica giggled and clasped her hands around her mouth.
“I’m crying over a lost love and you’re making me laugh,” she said. “You’re going to make me feel guilty over here.”
“I don’t like seeing you cry,” Yuki said softly. Erica listened. “It’s not you. You’re cheerful, playful, joyful. I like that part. So when you’re feeling down, I want to help. I don’t want you to sink on your own.”
“So you’ll sink with me?”
“If I have to.”
Erica’s heart loosened just a bit at those words.
“But I don’t want you to drown with me.”
“I’ll give you air. Trust me.”
Erica opened her eyes and found Yuki’s looking back at her.
“Are you sure?” Erica asked.
“I promise.”
Erica’s will cracked. Yuki pulled her closer, and held her tightly as hot tears poured out from Erica. They were tears of sadness. Relief. And guilt. This comfort she was receiving, she didn't deserve.
‘I’m sorry,’ she thought. ‘Let me enjoy this while I can. You don’t know everything yet. Please don’t hate me when you do.
‘Please don’t leave me if you do.’
FriendlyDragon So we're going to be taking a bit of a detour, but this won't take ages to resolve. You can make your own theories on what happened though.
Erica looked away and bit her lip. Yuki must have caught her staring again when Akira was talking to Yuki. She couldn’t help herself. Seeing the two of them, two girls, smiling at each other with love pulled at her heart. It reminded her of things she tried to run from.
‘How do I reply?’
Normally, Erica considered herself a good liar. But Yuki wasn’t one that easily missed things that she found important or interesting. Maybe Erica could have tricked her if Yuki’s question was just a passing comment, but with Yuki’s worried eyes locked onto Erica’s every move, she doubted whether she could even twist the truth.
“Erica. What are you thinking about?” Yuki said, her sharp voice piercing through Erica’s jumbled thoughts.
‘Could she tell that I wanted to lie?’ Erica wondered. She wouldn’t put it past Yuki.
“What do you mean?” Erica asked with a hesitant smile.
“Are you alright? You’ve been looking a bit…” Yuki paused. “Distracted.”
‘That’s a nice way of putting it,’ Erica thought though her anxiety lessened a bit at the gesture.
“What’s been bothering you?” Yuki said.
“I don’t know. I don’t really want to talk about it,” Erica sighed. Yuki stared at her for a bit before nodding.
“Alright then. Talk to me when you’re ready then,” she said.
“Wait, you aren’t going to pressure me?” Erica frowned.
“Well, I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable,” Yuki replied, her voice a bit confused. “I don’t like pushing people unless I have to.”
Erica blinked. That wasn’t the response she was expecting. From watching Yuki interact with other people, she seemed to be the type that would nudge the other constantly until they folded or it became apparent that they wouldn’t reply.
‘I might have told her if she kept going at it.’
Now she just felt an odd feeling of loss, like someone had forfeited a fight that she had been preparing herself up for. It was a weird mix of relief, confusion, and just the tiniest hint of annoyance.
Yuki settled back down on the couch and closed her eyes. Erica stared at her, her thoughts still bouncing about in her mind. She didn’t believe Yuki would actually leave it like that, but as time went by and none of them spoke, that feeling of loss grew. Her mind went back to the scene of Akira and Yuki staring at each other with loving smiles and her chest clutched again.
‘I want to tell her.’
The urges to spill her guts and to cry in private began to war within her. On one hand, she would probably start crying in front of Yuki and Yuki would find out things about her that she didn’t want to be found out. On the other hand, she would feel terrible anyway since she didn’t want to hide things from Yuki. As time marched forward and the alone time she had with Yuki continued to shrink, the telling side took the upper hand.
‘Yuki wouldn’t hate me,’ Erica decided. She paused and cringed. ‘Maybe.’
“I’ll talk,” Erica said quietly. Yuki didn’t reply, but somehow, Erica knew she was listening. “You and Akira together just reminds me of something from before.”
“Before?” Yuki said, her eyes opening and turning towards Erica.
“Yeah.” She bit her lip. “When I was still living with other succubi. Before I, you know, had to leave.”
It happened decades ago. But saying the words still stung her.
“It was mainly my fault,” she continued. “I shouldn’t have given them any reason to do it. Shouldn’t have done what I did. I was too stupid back then. Too young. And too violent.”
“But what does it remind you of?” Yuki asked.
Erica blinked again. She didn’t ask about what Erica had done. She had bulldozed right past that.
“Um, well. Obviously, the others knew I like women. They had to have found out somehow,” Erica said. “I had a bond with someone before. Another succubi. She was, in many ways, my first. My first love. My first kiss. My first fuck.”
Yuki’s lips twitched at that and Erica let herself smile as well.
“Yeah. I couldn’t think of a better word for that. But she was. She was bi I think. She was pretty important and had been with a few guys before, so I didn’t expect that she would like me. I was so confused as well. I thought I had hid my likes so well, but she saw right through me.”
‘Just like you’ she didn’t say.
“I couldn’t believe how happy I was when she kissed me. It was the first time I ever found someone like that. The first time I could truly open up. I didn’t have to lie in front of others and compliment guys when I would have preferred to talk about the girls next to them. I didn’t have to sit around awkwardly when the others talked about things I couldn’t understand. I didn’t mind when she told me to keep everything a secret when we bonded with each other.
“But secrets are hard to keep. Especially one like ours. It was bound to get revealed in some way or another. It didn’t help that my preference for women was a bit of an open secret since I didn’t know better before.” She sighed. “To make things short, our secret go revealed because of something I did. Then more things happened and I was told to leave or they would force me to. I understood why, so I left.”
“What happened to her?” Yuki asked, her voice soft.
“Um. She died.”
“What was her name?”
“Faye.” Saying her same dug up memories that Erica had shoved deep into the corners of her mind. Her heart wrung as she remembered the late nights she had with Faye cuddled up in Faye’s room. Faye’s brilliant smile that lit up Erica’s darkest days. “Her name was Faye.”
And she was dead. Erica had already come to terms with this reality, but it still shook her whenever she thought of it. Faye had been with her for years, decades. But it only took a moment for her to disappear from Erica’s life. Her lip trembled and she shut her eyes as the memories began to flood her.
“It was my fault. My fault,” Erica whispered. “My fault.”
A cool hand touched her cheek and a thumb brushed away a tear that had leaked out. Erica let herself lean into it.
“How was it your fault?” Yuki said.
“I should have protected her. It was my job,” Erica replied, barely getting the words out. “I failed. I failed her.”
Yuki quieted and rubbed Erica’s cheek softly with her thumb.
“I’m sorry,” Erica said. “I’m a mess.”
“We’re all a mess sometimes,” Yuki replied.
“But I’m like a trash can right now.”
“Then that’ll make me a raccoon.”
Erica’s lips twitched. “Raccoons are cute.”
“Thank you.”
Erica giggled and clasped her hands around her mouth.
“I’m crying over a lost love and you’re making me laugh,” she said. “You’re going to make me feel guilty over here.”
“I don’t like seeing you cry,” Yuki said softly. Erica listened. “It’s not you. You’re cheerful, playful, joyful. I like that part. So when you’re feeling down, I want to help. I don’t want you to sink on your own.”
“So you’ll sink with me?”
“If I have to.”
Erica’s heart loosened just a bit at those words.
“But I don’t want you to drown with me.”
“I’ll give you air. Trust me.”
Erica opened her eyes and found Yuki’s looking back at her.
“Are you sure?” Erica asked.
“I promise.”
Erica’s will cracked. Yuki pulled her closer, and held her tightly as hot tears poured out from Erica. They were tears of sadness. Relief. And guilt. This comfort she was receiving, she didn't deserve.
‘I’m sorry,’ she thought. ‘Let me enjoy this while I can. You don’t know everything yet. Please don’t hate me when you do.
‘Please don’t leave me if you do.’
FriendlyDragon So we're going to be taking a bit of a detour, but this won't take ages to resolve. You can make your own theories on what happened though.
