Apple snorted as a pair of squirrels darted across the dirt road.
Hiding within the grassy pastures which bordered us, these insignificant scavengers of the wild were the nobility of critters, whose brazen crimes included foraging through my petunias, clawing at my apple trees and brandishing their fluffy tails as I shooed them away.
They were a reminder of the perils that faced my defenceless orchard in my absence.
My grip tightened around Apple's reins as images of a barren wasteland assailed me.
I needed to stamp out these flames threatening my standards of living. And I needed to do it yesterday. I had little intention of returning to a garden despoiled by rampant vandalism. I was a princess, and I did not do bittersweet.
I did unconditional victory.
Indeed, the sooner I returned to the Royal Villa, the better! Everything else was secondary in consideration. My every graceful action should be dedicated to the pursuit of ensuring my kingdom was rescued from the throes of incompetence!
The choices I made on this journey would define my life as a princess of this fair kingdom. And that meant difficult decisions.
Such as not sharing the remaining half of my apple to Apple.
Yes.
It was time!
I had to be sterner! The carrot no longer functioned! Or rather, it never worked in the first place! And that meant it was time for the stick!
Because frankly … I've been spoiling him lately!
“Now, ordinarily, I'd be offering the rest of this delicious, crisp apple to you … om nom nom … but to be rewarded without effort is to encourage poor habits. Just as I cannot be gifted with an orange and amaretto tiramisu without first leaving my bed, it'd be inappropriate to provide this to you before you've first sped up. Even just a little bit. Really. Just the tiniest increase in speed is sufficient!”
Apple continued trotting, the slight dipping of his head indicative of his feelings on my fair and sensible stewardship.
He snorted as another squirrel bounded before him, the small creature clearly and wilfully insulting the metronome pace of the much larger animal.
I pursed my lips.
And then–
I leaned forwards and offered the remainder of the apple.
“This is the last time! I've been far too generous! Why, I'm barely able to indulge myself! The last time I was able to eat an entire apple was before we set off on this expedition!”
My words vanished into the abyss faster than the apple.
The sound of crunching filled the air as my meagre lunch was consumed swifter than if I had tossed it into a river of flowing magma.
Still, the sound was far more favourable to me than Coppelia's giggling.
“Defeated by a mule~” she said as she walked beside us. “To think that it isn't fire or falling pianos which cows our noble princess, but the neighs of a slow, smelly and very shaggy horse.”
I held my head high.
“Indeed! If I have any weakness, then it's my famed benevolence and charity! This is not something to feel ashamed of!”
“You're right! In that case, I'll just–”
“No,” I declared, batting her hand away from the designated pastry bag.
“Eh?! Why does the horse get freebies and I don't?!”
“It's not free. The horse is currently ferrying me to our next destination. Should you decide to allow me to perch on your shoulder, then you may also have half an apple. Moreover, you've already eaten.”
“So has the horse! … Twice! I call shenanigans!”
“Apple is significantly larger than you. That goes for his appetite as well.”
Coppelia held up her finger, adopting the same pose as my tutors whenever they were about to instruct me on something I radically disagreed with.
“There's perfectly good grass and flowers everywhere. I've tried it. Happiness is at the sole of his hoof. That means we should be prioritised when it comes to doling out the premium apples. After all, happiness is a rarer commodity for us.”
My well articulated response failed to exit my lips.
True, Apple didn't need apples as sustenance when he had so much of the kingdom's verdant pastures to graze on as he pleased. It was only fair that we also be permitted to indulge.
With that said …
“Are you not the same as Apple? If you're satisfied with eating the daisies which grow on the side of the road, then is it necessary for you to eat the premium apples? Or the croissants? Or the apple strudels? … Or the, what was it–”
“The chocolate cornet?”
“Yes. That. The terribly unrefined amalgamation of coarse sugar and low quality chocolate, crudely stuffed into a pastry consisting more of butter than flour.”
“Eh? I thought you liked it?”
“I never said I liked it. Only that it didn't make me vomit. Beware of the distinction. Industries rise and fall depending on my opinion.”
“Oh, okay. Because there's actually one left in the pastry bag.”
I swallowed a gulp.
“There is?”
“Mmh, but don't worry. If you don't want it, I'll have it~”
My hands quivered around Apple's reins as I fought against the darkness threatening my palette.
“You may have it. As my loyal future handmaiden, it is necessary for me to offer my boundless charity as well as my unworkable demands.”
“Yay~”
Coppelia beamed as she raised a chocolate cornet to her mouth.
It … It was already in her hands?! But she said …
No, no, no, no! Now wasn't the time to slide further into debauchery!
First it was crêpes! Then it was the melted sandwich! And now chocolate cornets!
My refined diet, carefully prepared for its nutritional and flavour balance, had been utterly cannonballed to the sky.
Little could be done about it, of course.
I was on an expedition to flatten the mountains of calamity that the subjects of my kingdom had somehow erected like dunes on a beach. My diet was a reflection of the practical considerations I needed to make.
The fact I mostly ate foods high in butter, chocolate and sugar? Unavoidable. The fact carrots now only existed in the furthest reaches of my nightmares? A necessary exclusion. Being an angel was physically taxing on my fragile frame. I required all the palatable nourishment I could find.
Especially when it came to my next destination.
I tugged on Apple's reins. He came to a halt before a pair of wooden signs as muddy as the road which now split into two.
West – Trierport.
East – Stermondt.
“Oooh … the classic question,” said Coppelia, clicking her fingers as she made out the fading words. Of the chocolate cornet, not a crumb could be seen. “West or east … aka, beaches or mountains? Which camp are you?”
I considered it, though not in terms of whether the terrible prospect of sand or pebbles filling my boots appealed to me less.
No, I had other priorities on my mind.
Our golden coastline or our snow capped mountains. Our ports or our mines.
Both deserved my attention. As did the matter of monsters plaguing our roads and instability at our borders. Threats from within and without.
And yet of all the grave concerns laid out before me, only one was a long standing blight against the dignity of my kingdom.
Pirates.
I wrinkled my nose simply thinking about it.
Vagrants of the sea. Their infamy stretched out before them like a sodden carpet, while behind them lay a trail of flotsam, jetsam and a terrifying lack of hygiene.
Whenever a storm was sighted in the distant horizon past our coastline, their black flag could be relied upon to sit atop the highest tide, commandeering whatever misfortune befell whoever was in their path.
They struck with impunity, terrorising merchant shipping, destroying livelihoods and leveraging huge ransoms on ships and crew.
And worst of all ... they delayed my every request to change the colour of my curtains!
An utter disgrace. Each time I wished to import a new set of silk drapes to match the season, all I'd hear were tales of woe as captains found themselves hostage to pirates instead of my displeasure!
And now they'd turned their keels on our ports altogether!
How could I reprimand those who'd travelled half the length of the world to meet my express demands if they failed to arrive in the first place?
I was reusing the same curtains from last spring! Reusing! Like a peasant wringing dry a frayed dishcloth as old as time itself!
I pulled at Apple's reins, my decision set in stone.
“Trierport. The greatest of our coastal towns. That is our next destination.”
Coppelia instantly skipped to my side as Apple resumed his trot. She wore a sparkling smile ready to reflect the sea.
“Huh, really? I didn't take you for the beach type.”
“Because I'm not. What I am, however, is the stomping of hooligans type.”
“Great! Because people who litter on beaches need to be stomped. Those are the worst types of hooligans. Do you know how terrible it is to be rolling around in the sand, only to feel someone's rubbish sticking to your key?”
“I don't. But what I do know is that it's more than littering vandals which threaten our kingdom's famous coastline. Corsairs deny access to our ports. Piracy has now shifted from a nuisance to a threat to our very sovereignty.”
“Pirates, huh? I bet they're the worst litterers out there.”
“Indeed. They no longer see fit to scavenge like squirrels after acorns. They've become bold. And so too must our response. We shall still these rogues who seek to disrupt our calm waters!”
And I, Juliette Contzen, 3rd Princess to the Kingdom of Tirea and current holder of the record 20 metre swimming certificate amongst my siblings, would see it done!
“Got it~” Coppelia nodded and clapped her hands together. “So what's the name of your boat?”
“Excuse me?”
“Your boat. The name of your boat. The one you're going to use to do away with the pirates. You know, the ones who have their own boats.”
“........”
H-Hm?
My, how strange!
Even though we hadn't been travelling that long, I could suddenly feel the sweat beginning to run down my back! Goodness, spring must be exceptionally hot this year. I should remember to water the tulips with extra care!
“Hmmmm~” Coppelia leaned towards me, a typically unhelpful smile on her face. “By any chance … do you not have a fancy royal boat?”
I pursed my lips, then glanced away at the very interesting … yes, interesting mud.
“Oho … ohhhohoho!! Of course we do! There’s merely the small matter of the royal galleon currently undergoing repairs at present.”
“Really? When will it be fixed?”
“As soon as it's been built, it can be fixed.”
Coppelia's smile took on a pained hue.
“Huh. I mean, I figured you had no navy, what with Tirea being the second small–”
“Shhshhshhshh! In any case, pirates are merely hoodlums with even more desperate need to join my soap rehabilitation programme! It matters not whether these scoundrels trespass upon land or water! I shall see them all equally washed!”
“Got it! No boat. What's the plan, then?”
I gave it a moment's thought.
And then, I nodded confidently.
I … I hadn't a single clue!
“Why, the plan is that we make our way to Trierport.”
“Mmh, mmh … and then what?”
“And then we improvise.”
Coppelia raised her hand to her mouth, hiding a giggle which wasn't hidden at all.
“I think that's the most terrifying thing I've ever heard.”
“Excuse me!”
“For the pirates, that is.”
“Oh.”
“Honestly, they should be sinking their own ships already.”
I nodded furiously at Coppelia's sage assessment.
Indeed! That's precisely what they should be doing!
So what if I had no boat? No shipfaring experience? I had flexibility and my face. The two greatest assets I could possess!
True, improvising a way to do away with decades of rampant piracy with neither a functioning navy nor a single boat was somewhat of a challenge. But at the same time, it was also a stroke of genius.
After all, it's precisely because we had no ship that the pirates would be caught entirely unprepared!
Ohhohohohoho!!
A masterful stratagem! The fools would never see it coming!
That's right! Once at Trierport, I was highly confident I would shape my masterful plan! Until then, wisdom dictated that I should approach this matter free of any unnecessary deliberations that could reveal my hand!
“Come, Coppelia!” I said, urging Apple onwards as he trotted at precisely the same speed. “Miscreants intend to disrupt our calm waters. We shall show them how treacherous it is to invite the tides of our ire!”
Coppelia enthusiastically pumped her fist in the air.
“We're going to the beach!”
“Hm? We're not going to the beach.”
“We are! I can feel it. Golden sand, warm seas and all-you-can-eat sucker squid. This is going to be amazing!”
“Really now. As famed as our coast is, this is hardly an opportunity to be slovenly. Doing away with the black sail of piracy is our only objective.”
“Got it! Beach time after we deal with a whole bunch of bloodthirsty pirates with no plan and no boat! Let's goooo~!”
I beamed, content at the understanding my future handmaiden showed regarding my intricate subterfuge, if not quite the itinerary.
And then I saw what was squished in her fist.
“... Is that another chocolate cornet?”
Coppelia responded by deviously skipping exactly one step ahead.
Ugh.
For Apple, it may as well have been the length between here and the stars.
Still, I knew that given enough time, he'd be able to traverse any distance. I contemplated if that also included the open sea.
And then, I smiled.
Coppelia's advice for the pirates was sound. They really should consider sinking their own ships. Because if not, I was going to send Apple.
If he could chew through the doors of a stable, then I was reasonably certain he could also chew through the hull of a ship.
It was the kindest method I had to offer.
After all, these pirates still owed me curtains.
And I had no qualms about fishing them from the bottom of the sea.
Apple snorted as a pair of squirrels darted across the dirt road.
Hiding within the grassy pastures which bordered us, these insignificant scavengers of the wild were the nobility of critters, whose brazen crimes included foraging through my petunias, clawing at my apple trees and brandishing their fluffy tails as I shooed them away.
They were a reminder of the perils that faced my defenceless orchard in my absence.
My grip tightened around Apple's reins as images of a barren wasteland assailed me.
I needed to stamp out these flames threatening my standards of living. And I needed to do it yesterday. I had little intention of returning to a garden despoiled by rampant vandalism. I was a princess, and I did not do bittersweet.
I did unconditional victory.
Indeed, the sooner I returned to the Royal Villa, the better! Everything else was secondary in consideration. My every graceful action should be dedicated to the pursuit of ensuring my kingdom was rescued from the throes of incompetence!
The choices I made on this journey would define my life as a princess of this fair kingdom. And that meant difficult decisions.
Such as not sharing the remaining half of my apple to Apple.
Yes.
It was time!
I had to be sterner! The carrot no longer functioned! Or rather, it never worked in the first place! And that meant it was time for the stick!
Because frankly … I've been spoiling him lately!
“Now, ordinarily, I'd be offering the rest of this delicious, crisp apple to you … om nom nom … but to be rewarded without effort is to encourage poor habits. Just as I cannot be gifted with an orange and amaretto tiramisu without first leaving my bed, it'd be inappropriate to provide this to you before you've first sped up. Even just a little bit. Really. Just the tiniest increase in speed is sufficient!”
Apple continued trotting, the slight dipping of his head indicative of his feelings on my fair and sensible stewardship.
He snorted as another squirrel bounded before him, the small creature clearly and wilfully insulting the metronome pace of the much larger animal.
I pursed my lips.
And then–
I leaned forwards and offered the remainder of the apple.
“This is the last time! I've been far too generous! Why, I'm barely able to indulge myself! The last time I was able to eat an entire apple was before we set off on this expedition!”
My words vanished into the abyss faster than the apple.
The sound of crunching filled the air as my meagre lunch was consumed swifter than if I had tossed it into a river of flowing magma.
Still, the sound was far more favourable to me than Coppelia's giggling.
“Defeated by a mule~” she said as she walked beside us. “To think that it isn't fire or falling pianos which cows our noble princess, but the neighs of a slow, smelly and very shaggy horse.”
I held my head high.
“Indeed! If I have any weakness, then it's my famed benevolence and charity! This is not something to feel ashamed of!”
“You're right! In that case, I'll just–”
“No,” I declared, batting her hand away from the designated pastry bag.
“Eh?! Why does the horse get freebies and I don't?!”
“It's not free. The horse is currently ferrying me to our next destination. Should you decide to allow me to perch on your shoulder, then you may also have half an apple. Moreover, you've already eaten.”
“So has the horse! … Twice! I call shenanigans!”
“Apple is significantly larger than you. That goes for his appetite as well.”
Coppelia held up her finger, adopting the same pose as my tutors whenever they were about to instruct me on something I radically disagreed with.
“There's perfectly good grass and flowers everywhere. I've tried it. Happiness is at the sole of his hoof. That means we should be prioritised when it comes to doling out the premium apples. After all, happiness is a rarer commodity for us.”
My well articulated response failed to exit my lips.
True, Apple didn't need apples as sustenance when he had so much of the kingdom's verdant pastures to graze on as he pleased. It was only fair that we also be permitted to indulge.
With that said …
“Are you not the same as Apple? If you're satisfied with eating the daisies which grow on the side of the road, then is it necessary for you to eat the premium apples? Or the croissants? Or the apple strudels? … Or the, what was it–”
“The chocolate cornet?”
“Yes. That. The terribly unrefined amalgamation of coarse sugar and low quality chocolate, crudely stuffed into a pastry consisting more of butter than flour.”
“Eh? I thought you liked it?”
“I never said I liked it. Only that it didn't make me vomit. Beware of the distinction. Industries rise and fall depending on my opinion.”
“Oh, okay. Because there's actually one left in the pastry bag.”
I swallowed a gulp.
“There is?”
“Mmh, but don't worry. If you don't want it, I'll have it~”
My hands quivered around Apple's reins as I fought against the darkness threatening my palette.
“You may have it. As my loyal future handmaiden, it is necessary for me to offer my boundless charity as well as my unworkable demands.”
“Yay~”
Coppelia beamed as she raised a chocolate cornet to her mouth.
It … It was already in her hands?! But she said …
No, no, no, no! Now wasn't the time to slide further into debauchery!
First it was crêpes! Then it was the melted sandwich! And now chocolate cornets!
My refined diet, carefully prepared for its nutritional and flavour balance, had been utterly cannonballed to the sky.
Little could be done about it, of course.
I was on an expedition to flatten the mountains of calamity that the subjects of my kingdom had somehow erected like dunes on a beach. My diet was a reflection of the practical considerations I needed to make.
The fact I mostly ate foods high in butter, chocolate and sugar? Unavoidable. The fact carrots now only existed in the furthest reaches of my nightmares? A necessary exclusion. Being an angel was physically taxing on my fragile frame. I required all the palatable nourishment I could find.
Especially when it came to my next destination.
I tugged on Apple's reins. He came to a halt before a pair of wooden signs as muddy as the road which now split into two.
West – Trierport.
East – Stermondt.
“Oooh … the classic question,” said Coppelia, clicking her fingers as she made out the fading words. Of the chocolate cornet, not a crumb could be seen. “West or east … aka, beaches or mountains? Which camp are you?”
I considered it, though not in terms of whether the terrible prospect of sand or pebbles filling my boots appealed to me less.
No, I had other priorities on my mind.
Our golden coastline or our snow capped mountains. Our ports or our mines.
Both deserved my attention. As did the matter of monsters plaguing our roads and instability at our borders. Threats from within and without.
And yet of all the grave concerns laid out before me, only one was a long standing blight against the dignity of my kingdom.
Pirates.
I wrinkled my nose simply thinking about it.
Vagrants of the sea. Their infamy stretched out before them like a sodden carpet, while behind them lay a trail of flotsam, jetsam and a terrifying lack of hygiene.
Whenever a storm was sighted in the distant horizon past our coastline, their black flag could be relied upon to sit atop the highest tide, commandeering whatever misfortune befell whoever was in their path.
They struck with impunity, terrorising merchant shipping, destroying livelihoods and leveraging huge ransoms on ships and crew.
And worst of all ... they delayed my every request to change the colour of my curtains!
An utter disgrace. Each time I wished to import a new set of silk drapes to match the season, all I'd hear were tales of woe as captains found themselves hostage to pirates instead of my displeasure!
And now they'd turned their keels on our ports altogether!
How could I reprimand those who'd travelled half the length of the world to meet my express demands if they failed to arrive in the first place?
I was reusing the same curtains from last spring! Reusing! Like a peasant wringing dry a frayed dishcloth as old as time itself!
I pulled at Apple's reins, my decision set in stone.
“Trierport. The greatest of our coastal towns. That is our next destination.”
Coppelia instantly skipped to my side as Apple resumed his trot. She wore a sparkling smile ready to reflect the sea.
“Huh, really? I didn't take you for the beach type.”
“Because I'm not. What I am, however, is the stomping of hooligans type.”
“Great! Because people who litter on beaches need to be stomped. Those are the worst types of hooligans. Do you know how terrible it is to be rolling around in the sand, only to feel someone's rubbish sticking to your key?”
“I don't. But what I do know is that it's more than littering vandals which threaten our kingdom's famous coastline. Corsairs deny access to our ports. Piracy has now shifted from a nuisance to a threat to our very sovereignty.”
“Pirates, huh? I bet they're the worst litterers out there.”
“Indeed. They no longer see fit to scavenge like squirrels after acorns. They've become bold. And so too must our response. We shall still these rogues who seek to disrupt our calm waters!”
And I, Juliette Contzen, 3rd Princess to the Kingdom of Tirea and current holder of the record 20 metre swimming certificate amongst my siblings, would see it done!
“Got it~” Coppelia nodded and clapped her hands together. “So what's the name of your boat?”
“Excuse me?”
“Your boat. The name of your boat. The one you're going to use to do away with the pirates. You know, the ones who have their own boats.”
“........”
H-Hm?
My, how strange!
Even though we hadn't been travelling that long, I could suddenly feel the sweat beginning to run down my back! Goodness, spring must be exceptionally hot this year. I should remember to water the tulips with extra care!
“Hmmmm~” Coppelia leaned towards me, a typically unhelpful smile on her face. “By any chance … do you not have a fancy royal boat?”
I pursed my lips, then glanced away at the very interesting … yes, interesting mud.
“Oho … ohhhohoho!! Of course we do! There’s merely the small matter of the royal galleon currently undergoing repairs at present.”
“Really? When will it be fixed?”
“As soon as it's been built, it can be fixed.”
Coppelia's smile took on a pained hue.
“Huh. I mean, I figured you had no navy, what with Tirea being the second small–”
“Shhshhshhshh! In any case, pirates are merely hoodlums with even more desperate need to join my soap rehabilitation programme! It matters not whether these scoundrels trespass upon land or water! I shall see them all equally washed!”
“Got it! No boat. What's the plan, then?”
I gave it a moment's thought.
And then, I nodded confidently.
I … I hadn't a single clue!
“Why, the plan is that we make our way to Trierport.”
“Mmh, mmh … and then what?”
“And then we improvise.”
Coppelia raised her hand to her mouth, hiding a giggle which wasn't hidden at all.
“I think that's the most terrifying thing I've ever heard.”
“Excuse me!”
“For the pirates, that is.”
“Oh.”
“Honestly, they should be sinking their own ships already.”
I nodded furiously at Coppelia's sage assessment.
Indeed! That's precisely what they should be doing!
So what if I had no boat? No shipfaring experience? I had flexibility and my face. The two greatest assets I could possess!
True, improvising a way to do away with decades of rampant piracy with neither a functioning navy nor a single boat was somewhat of a challenge. But at the same time, it was also a stroke of genius.
After all, it's precisely because we had no ship that the pirates would be caught entirely unprepared!
Ohhohohohoho!!
A masterful stratagem! The fools would never see it coming!
That's right! Once at Trierport, I was highly confident I would shape my masterful plan! Until then, wisdom dictated that I should approach this matter free of any unnecessary deliberations that could reveal my hand!
“Come, Coppelia!” I said, urging Apple onwards as he trotted at precisely the same speed. “Miscreants intend to disrupt our calm waters. We shall show them how treacherous it is to invite the tides of our ire!”
Coppelia enthusiastically pumped her fist in the air.
“We're going to the beach!”
“Hm? We're not going to the beach.”
“We are! I can feel it. Golden sand, warm seas and all-you-can-eat sucker squid. This is going to be amazing!”
“Really now. As famed as our coast is, this is hardly an opportunity to be slovenly. Doing away with the black sail of piracy is our only objective.”
“Got it! Beach time after we deal with a whole bunch of bloodthirsty pirates with no plan and no boat! Let's goooo~!”
I beamed, content at the understanding my future handmaiden showed regarding my intricate subterfuge, if not quite the itinerary.
And then I saw what was squished in her fist.
“... Is that another chocolate cornet?”
Coppelia responded by deviously skipping exactly one step ahead.
Ugh.
For Apple, it may as well have been the length between here and the stars.
Still, I knew that given enough time, he'd be able to traverse any distance. I contemplated if that also included the open sea.
And then, I smiled.
Coppelia's advice for the pirates was sound. They really should consider sinking their own ships. Because if not, I was going to send Apple.
If he could chew through the doors of a stable, then I was reasonably certain he could also chew through the hull of a ship.
It was the kindest method I had to offer.
After all, these pirates still owed me curtains.
And I had no qualms about fishing them from the bottom of the sea.
