A flock of crows took flight as I approached the ramshackle cottage, their mocking caws unaware of the fact I ranked them beneath snails. When the time came that I subtly tossed my escargots au beurre persillé beneath the table, they had to join the unwanted entrée of slimy crow salad first.
I stopped before the door. A truly ghastly amalgamation of moss and rotting wood. And yet despite its rickety nature, no light emanated from between the gaps and creaks.
Only the promise of darkness awaited me inside. And whatever resided within it.
I glanced at Coppelia.
“By any chance, are you proficient in performing exorcisms?”
“Doubtful. I haven't even been allowed near any church since the last incident.”
I pursed my lips, allowing a moment of hesitation to intrude.
It really should have been longer.
“And what, exactly, is 'the last incident'?”
“I was thirsty. And there was water. It really isn't complicated. But the sisters took issue with it.”
“Water?” I tilted my head in thought. “By any chance, are you referring to the sacred basin of holy water which resides in every church?”
“Mmh~ that's what they called it! You know, in between all the shouting.”
My mouth opened in horror.
“Coppelia! You cannot drink from that! Holy water is a rare liquid blessed for its purity and used exclusively for sanctifying evil! … What if something happened to you?”
“Hey! Why would anything happen to me?! I'm a maiden with a soul as pure as … well, something purer than holy water, at least! Because let me tell you, that stuff's 100% a con!”
“Excuse me?”
Coppelia nodded fervently.
“I know what streams taste like. And that wasn't even that. It'd come from a well. Oh boy, did they really start screaming when I mentioned that.”
I let out a not-too-quiet groan.
“Please tell me this 'last incident' didn't occur in this kingdom.”
“Okay.”
“... It occurred in this kingdom, didn't it?”
“Well, I'm not saying it didn't.”
My palm clasped my face.
Was this now the state of my kingdom? Our most holy establishments fraudulently substituting holy water with well water? Was everyone except me now so poor that even the ludicrous donations the church extorted had ceased to be?
Clearly, things were even worse than I imagined.
Very well. No exorcisms. And my usual retinue of clerics who followed my every move to ensure I never scraped a knee wasn't here.
But that's fine!
After all, the only thing I feared was the thought of downgrading the stuffing of my pillows from goose feathers to dove white. That was the true meaning of horror.
So what if I could physically feel the darkness radiating on the other side of this door? As a princess, I was a paragon of courage, a shining example of leadership! And no fiend, living or dead, could cause me to quake!
“Oh hey~” said Coppelia, waving at a flash of movement zipping beneath the door. “A mouse.”
I pursed my lips.
“A mouse?”
“A huge one. I wonder if it knows Silly, Billy or Milly. I hope those guys are doing okay.”
My body stiffened.
Ugh. Very well.
To brave a wooden hovel likely infested by rodents and all manner of dead things was highly beneath me, yes. But to be a princess was to live a life of sacrifice.
Indeed, from the day I was old enough to order the royal seamstress to re-embroider all 3,197 pearls lining my first formal dress with garnets instead of rubies, I knew the toils of hardship!
That's right! Why would mice concern me?
The way their little legs scuttled like cockroaches was hideous, certainly. But they were still little more than differently shaped badgers! Why, if I could [Spring Breeze] a minotaur, then there was no reason I couldn't [Spring Breeze] a mouse!
And perhaps also the cottage they were hiding in, too! Just to make sure!
Bravely, I reached to knock, ready to perform my lip-service to etiquette while also doing away with any rodent dashing beneath my legs–
Creaaaaaaak.
Only to be left indignant as the opportunity was whisked away from me.
The door opened, a black chasm meeting me as not a single candle existed to usher away the shadows. Only an unseemly musk wafted out, its smell as putrid as the only part of the Royal Villa the servants did not regularly clean–their own quarters.
A truly unfitting welcome for royalty.
Fortunately, I had a light of my own!
Indeed, no shadow could compete against my dazzling radiance of spirit, nor Starlight Grace as I shone it into the darkness … and towards the cloaked figure waiting within.
“Come, my children,” said a frail voice, old and rasping. “You may enter.”
I narrowed my eyes as I made out the silhouette battling against my sword's light.
Even as the bare walls behind were lit up and every sprig of moss was exposed, the figure's face remained shrouded in secrecy.
Sitting behind a table as gnarled as the logs which made up this cabin, the figure made no indication of the discomfort my sword's burning light must be causing. Likely because of whatever magical veil existed.
“It is customary for the host to receive their guests,” I said, ensuring my sword was still raised. “To invite us without leaving your seat is a terrible dereliction of etiquette.”
The rasping voice croaked.
I attempted to discern its meaning, before realising it was a hoarse laugh.
A woman's laugh.
A crone's laugh.
“Quite so, child. And yet I'm afraid these tired legs can do little to stand these days.”
“Your dramatic, well-timed appearances beneath the unnatural thunder says otherwise. A mage with a fondness for the theatrical, I gather?”
For a moment, the shadows painting the old woman's face lessened.
The edge of a twisted smile could be spied. As could the end of a hooked nose.
“Perhaps. Or perhaps not. There are many shadows to be spied in the Ivywood. And what you see is not all that it appears.”
“In no small part due to your magic, I presume. And yet what I see undoubtedly is a crone whose presence in these fair forests is both unneeded and unwanted.”
The smile twisted again. I witnessed something flake away from her face.
“And yet who else may offer you the answers to questions beyond the darkness?”
My response was to step inside, both frown and sword in hand.
Creaking floorboards greeted me as more shadows parted. All except the cloaked figure's face, which alone was impervious. The musk grew rancid, and I smelled the same unwashed laundry I'd once glimpsed the maids ferrying from their rooms while I inspected the kitchens at night.
“It's not answers I seek, crone. It's an end to the appalling state of the Ivywood. If you are the source of its despoilment, then I shall politely ask you to stop. Do not make me impolitely ask you.”
Once again, the crone let out a hoarse laugh.
“I am the source of many things, child. For I am the purveyor of lost words, of hidden secrets and futures untold. And just as I can bend leaf and twig, so too can I bend the fate your sword would have of me.”
I decided to move on to impolite asking.
If I had any doubt before, then I had none now. As was plainly obvious from the start, this crone of the woods was the cause of the Ivywood's misfortunes!
“I see. Then not only this crime, but a host of many others as well. I thank you for the admission.”
Bwam.
My ears suddenly rang to the sound of the door slamming shut behind me.
Even so, it almost failed to steal my attention.
Because in that moment, I witnessed a gaunt, skeletal hand sweeping across the table.
I tensed, ready to undo the logs from this cottage.
Instead, I paused with confusion as I saw a mesmerising, crystal ball suddenly appear in the sweeping hand's wake. Within it, a muddied light shone like the stars behind the clouds, twisting and glowing as the fog ebbed and flowed.
I blinked.
The next moment, I saw a reflection of the crone's nose, still peeking out from the darkness.
“A child whose actions are wrapped in haste,” said the frail voice. “And yet now is not the time for you to run aground of destiny's currents. A higher purpose has brought you before me. Not to quibble … but to bargain.”
I could scarcely believe what I just heard.
This crone believed she could bargain with me!
I, who had everything I needed! … Well, everything except quite a lot of things right now, but no matter! Once I secured the kingdom's finances, I would have no lack of material possessions to throw from my window as I pleased!
No, the only thing this crone had to offer me was her repentance, her reparations and her hands as she joined in my soap making rehabilitation programme!
Preferably after she used some soap herself!
“Oh? You wish to bargain?” I upped the severity of my frown, now one notch down from a deadly scowl. “Very well. Then let us bargain–beginning with how much you owe the Royal Treasury. Make no mistake, crone of the woods. Every riddle exchanged, boon bartered for blood and falsehood peddled for coin requires a trading permit. Every rotten log demands planning permission. And every leaf darkened needs a forestry preservation exemptions licence. Do you have any of these things, I wonder?”
“Yes.”
I smiled with all the authority of my royal calling at my back, then raised my sword to … hmm?
“Excuse me?”
“Are you an inspector from the Ivywood Tourism Commission?”
I blinked.
And then–very, very slowly, I began to lower my sword.
“I … well, no … yes? I mean, inspecting the Ivywood is within my remit, certainly …”
“Oh gosh, why didn't you say? I'm so sorry. I mistook you for a customer! I have everything here. Please bear with me one moment.”
Hmmmmmmm?
What was this?!
This never happened! Ever!
And the crone! She was now leaning down, her hands searching for something with a speed which belied her frail voice! And speaking of her voice, why did it suddenly sound so much younger?!
“This is all my documentation,” she said, sitting up again with an armful of paperwork already spilling onto the table. “It's a bit of a mess, but it should all be here!”
I hovered Starlight Grace over the jumbled assortment of … stuff.
A chaotic mess of official lettering met my eyes. Various seals of the kingdom. Letters and correspondence with regional administrations.
And amongst them ...
Trading permit? Check.
Planning documents? Check.
Forestry licences? Check
It … It was all here! … Even a fire safety log!
“Sorry, it's a bit hard to see, isn't it?” said the crone. “Let me sort that out for you.”
She clicked her fingers.
The next moment, I blinked as light gushed in like water through a broken dam.
Shuttered windows snapped open, and any indication of the darkness beyond the walls were swept aside.
Suddenly, I bore witness to green leaves amidst the fading light of the afternoon, the silent nightmare broken by the humming of songbirds and a gentle stream.
Around me, every inch of the creaky floor was revealed, including all the boxes filled with homely possessions lying in the corners just out of sight.
And then–there was the old woman in her cloaked attire.
A woman who wasn't old at all!
“It's a pleasure to meet you!” she said, removing a hooked nose. Her real one was considerably smaller and sweatier. “Belinda Talgrant. Certified witch. I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting another inspection so soon, but I suppose that's what they're all about, huh? Would you like to see my due diligence records?”
She shook away her hood, revealing the smiling face of the most disappointingly ordinary, middle-aged woman I'd ever seen in my life.
I glanced between her and the unsorted pile of paperwork.
A certified witch?!
She wasn't merely some hag who'd illegally taken up residence in these woods and now led innocent town girls astray?!
“N-No … it's fine, thank you.”
“Are you sure? It wouldn't be an issue.”
“No, no, it really is fine … but just to confirm, what is the nature of your … business?”
“Of course! My main business is divination services.”
I aimed my disbelief towards the windows. Green leaves tussled against one another outside. The cawing of crows had been replaced by the chirping of finches.
“Divination services?! But then why is … was … is the Ivywood so appalling?”
The woman raised a gaunt, skeletal hand to her lips and giggled.
Noticing me glance at the bony structure, she gave a flick of her wrist until the added appendages fell off.
“Oh, that? It's the effect I was going for, of course! Business has been slow and I wanted to make my services a more memorable experience. As a result, I now offer a fully immersive haunted woods experience as a newly accredited witch of the woods, free with all my divinations!”
The woman smiled pleasantly, like a maid who hadn't yet learned to suffer my ire.
Something which was shortly about to change.
“Excuse me! You cannot do that!”
“Do what?”
“That! Engulfing the Ivywood in magical darkness! I assure you, this goes far against the spirit of whatever official permission you may have … somehow attained! It is highly detrimental to the trade route to and from Trierport!”
“Actually, trade has increased since rumours of a genuine witch has appeared.”
I threw my arms up in disbelief. The witch leaned away as Starlight Grace came perilously close to her hair.
“It has?!”
The witch nodded, her brows knitting seriously.
“Yes. Until I received my accreditation, I was lucky to have a single customer a day as of late. Now I'll have several before lunch time. It's still nothing compared to how it used to be, but travellers from Trierport and Aquina appreciate the spectacle. My divinations aren't more accurate. But they like to believe it's the case.”
I pursed my lips.
For the Ivywood to be transformed into a haunted attraction was a travesty … and yet, if it also meant an increase in trade, then … no, wait!
This was still unacceptable!
Yes, I wished to increase my kingdom's tax revenues! But lines had to be drawn!
The Ivywood represented our kingdom! First it was one witch, but next it'd be an entire coven! I refused to allow our forests to become home to all manner of cauldrons and falling broomsticks!
No … clearly, the issue at hand was that trade had slowed to a crawl in the first place! Fixing that was the solution, not haunted gimmicks!
“I see. I commend you on your wish to increase the amount of taxes you pay. But this is only a temporary salve. The novelty will end, and so will your uptick of customers. Your business is doomed to failure.”
The witch's bright, professional expression froze.
“I … I mean, it's hard but–”
“No, stop. Your crushing optimism is unneeded. Only your answers. Tell me why trade has diminished. And if it's pirates, then you may rejoice. I will fix that.”
I received a blank stare in response, the smile slowly fading from the woman's lips as she sent her gaze up and down my splendid form.
“Excuse me? You'll fix … what? The pirates?”
“The pirates. Are they not a scourge on our shores?”
The woman paused before answering, clearly stunned at the sight of the only useful person in the entire kingdom.
“Well, yes. But we've always had pirates. It's rather more than that now, I'm afraid.”
“What do you mean?”
“They no longer just keep to the sea. They've been … um, digging land.”
I looked towards the wooden ceiling, attempting to peer past at the heavens above.
Sometimes, I wondered if all of this was the cost of being beautiful, intelligent, charming and wealthy. If so, it was worth it. But even so, this was highly aggravating.
“The pirates are now in the kingdom?!” I said to anyone who could answer. “Do you mean to say they're no longer simply content with blockading the coast and extorting whatever ransom they demand from our ports?!”
“I believe so, yes. Now the roads aren't safe.”
“Why are they now upon our land?! They're seafaring cowards who default to flight whenever any challenge is put before them! What are they doing?!”
Beside me, Coppelia hummed and offered her input, complete with the world's most unnecessary beam.
“It sounds like they're doing what pirates do. Digging for treasure. Think they found something good?”
I was appalled!
Hoodlums with shovels were now uprooting my kingdom?! And for what exactly?! Hoes the farmers accidentally left in the dirt?!
The absolute nerve!
Why?! Why were they now upon our shores?!
Even for unthinking ruffians, this was too at odds with their usual workings! Their might was in their ships! They had no strength on land!
That. Was. It!
I officially had neither the time nor the patience for this!
Why, I still needed to take a bath! It'd take at least an hour to wash away the usual waft from Apple! And finding an inn with a sufficiently sized bath was always the most challenging part of this entire expedition!
“Come, Coppelia!” I said, turning from the witch blinking at me with highly confused eyes. “I refuse to tarry while sea rogues stick shovels in my kingdom!”
I made for the door. Only the fact I had to pull on the damp looking handle caused me to pause in my noble quest.
“Wait, please–!”
And then there was the witch, whose chair slid as she abruptly stood up. I glanced back at her and held up a finger, silencing whatever gratitude or lovestruck poetry she wished to convey.
“The pirates are a larger nuisance that I envisaged. I thank you for this information, Miss–”
“Belinda Talgrant.”
“Yes. That. In return for stressing the need for expediency, I shall give you time to amend any changes you've made to the Ivywood. And make no mistake. I'll come for a further inspection after I've booted away the miscreants. When I do, I expect the forest to be in pristine condition. Utterly spotless to the leaf. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a kingdom to rescue.”
For a moment, the woman said nothing, merely regarding the noble qualities in my eyes … and also the shameful copper ring I failed to be rid of, due entirely to the conniving of my future handmaiden.
“Do you … Do you truly intend to meet the pirates which threaten our shores?”
“Of course.”
The witch slowly nodded, then placed her hand atop her breast.
“Then … would you like me to divine your future?”
“Excuse me?”
“Though a temperamental branch of magic, I happen to be a diviner of quite some skill. If you intend to meet with such powerful adversaries, then I may be able to offer you a glimpse into your future, to avoid the darkest roads which lay ahead.”
In response, I raised my hand to my lips and smiled.
“Ohohoho … is that so? I decline.”
“What?”
“To peer is to doubt. And I have none of that in my heart. After all, I already know what my future is.”
I turned again from the stunned woman, striding through the door after Coppelia finally got the hint and opened it for me.
That's right! I would rescue my kingdom from the clutches of financial ruin!
And when I did, I'd return home to the Royal Villa, where I would nap in my orchard while finally finishing A Court Lady's Indiscretion, Vol. III. After I was satisfied, I'd perhaps sample a 14 layer cake which the maids were still holding back from collapsing, before ordering it destroyed for its indecency. And then I'd take another nap.
That was my future.
And I knew how to achieve it without a crystal ball to tell me.
By striding forwards, resolute in purpose, never faltering, never bending, my chin high and back straight … as a princess of the kingdom.
A flock of crows took flight as I approached the ramshackle cottage, their mocking caws unaware of the fact I ranked them beneath snails. When the time came that I subtly tossed my escargots au beurre persillé beneath the table, they had to join the unwanted entrée of slimy crow salad first.
I stopped before the door. A truly ghastly amalgamation of moss and rotting wood. And yet despite its rickety nature, no light emanated from between the gaps and creaks.
Only the promise of darkness awaited me inside. And whatever resided within it.
I glanced at Coppelia.
“By any chance, are you proficient in performing exorcisms?”
“Doubtful. I haven't even been allowed near any church since the last incident.”
I pursed my lips, allowing a moment of hesitation to intrude.
It really should have been longer.
“And what, exactly, is 'the last incident'?”
“I was thirsty. And there was water. It really isn't complicated. But the sisters took issue with it.”
“Water?” I tilted my head in thought. “By any chance, are you referring to the sacred basin of holy water which resides in every church?”
“Mmh~ that's what they called it! You know, in between all the shouting.”
My mouth opened in horror.
“Coppelia! You cannot drink from that! Holy water is a rare liquid blessed for its purity and used exclusively for sanctifying evil! … What if something happened to you?”
“Hey! Why would anything happen to me?! I'm a maiden with a soul as pure as … well, something purer than holy water, at least! Because let me tell you, that stuff's 100% a con!”
“Excuse me?”
Coppelia nodded fervently.
“I know what streams taste like. And that wasn't even that. It'd come from a well. Oh boy, did they really start screaming when I mentioned that.”
I let out a not-too-quiet groan.
“Please tell me this 'last incident' didn't occur in this kingdom.”
“Okay.”
“... It occurred in this kingdom, didn't it?”
“Well, I'm not saying it didn't.”
My palm clasped my face.
Was this now the state of my kingdom? Our most holy establishments fraudulently substituting holy water with well water? Was everyone except me now so poor that even the ludicrous donations the church extorted had ceased to be?
Clearly, things were even worse than I imagined.
Very well. No exorcisms. And my usual retinue of clerics who followed my every move to ensure I never scraped a knee wasn't here.
But that's fine!
After all, the only thing I feared was the thought of downgrading the stuffing of my pillows from goose feathers to dove white. That was the true meaning of horror.
So what if I could physically feel the darkness radiating on the other side of this door? As a princess, I was a paragon of courage, a shining example of leadership! And no fiend, living or dead, could cause me to quake!
“Oh hey~” said Coppelia, waving at a flash of movement zipping beneath the door. “A mouse.”
I pursed my lips.
“A mouse?”
“A huge one. I wonder if it knows Silly, Billy or Milly. I hope those guys are doing okay.”
My body stiffened.
Ugh. Very well.
To brave a wooden hovel likely infested by rodents and all manner of dead things was highly beneath me, yes. But to be a princess was to live a life of sacrifice.
Indeed, from the day I was old enough to order the royal seamstress to re-embroider all 3,197 pearls lining my first formal dress with garnets instead of rubies, I knew the toils of hardship!
That's right! Why would mice concern me?
The way their little legs scuttled like cockroaches was hideous, certainly. But they were still little more than differently shaped badgers! Why, if I could [Spring Breeze] a minotaur, then there was no reason I couldn't [Spring Breeze] a mouse!
And perhaps also the cottage they were hiding in, too! Just to make sure!
Bravely, I reached to knock, ready to perform my lip-service to etiquette while also doing away with any rodent dashing beneath my legs–
Creaaaaaaak.
Only to be left indignant as the opportunity was whisked away from me.
The door opened, a black chasm meeting me as not a single candle existed to usher away the shadows. Only an unseemly musk wafted out, its smell as putrid as the only part of the Royal Villa the servants did not regularly clean–their own quarters.
A truly unfitting welcome for royalty.
Fortunately, I had a light of my own!
Indeed, no shadow could compete against my dazzling radiance of spirit, nor Starlight Grace as I shone it into the darkness … and towards the cloaked figure waiting within.
“Come, my children,” said a frail voice, old and rasping. “You may enter.”
I narrowed my eyes as I made out the silhouette battling against my sword's light.
Even as the bare walls behind were lit up and every sprig of moss was exposed, the figure's face remained shrouded in secrecy.
Sitting behind a table as gnarled as the logs which made up this cabin, the figure made no indication of the discomfort my sword's burning light must be causing. Likely because of whatever magical veil existed.
“It is customary for the host to receive their guests,” I said, ensuring my sword was still raised. “To invite us without leaving your seat is a terrible dereliction of etiquette.”
The rasping voice croaked.
I attempted to discern its meaning, before realising it was a hoarse laugh.
A woman's laugh.
A crone's laugh.
“Quite so, child. And yet I'm afraid these tired legs can do little to stand these days.”
“Your dramatic, well-timed appearances beneath the unnatural thunder says otherwise. A mage with a fondness for the theatrical, I gather?”
For a moment, the shadows painting the old woman's face lessened.
The edge of a twisted smile could be spied. As could the end of a hooked nose.
“Perhaps. Or perhaps not. There are many shadows to be spied in the Ivywood. And what you see is not all that it appears.”
“In no small part due to your magic, I presume. And yet what I see undoubtedly is a crone whose presence in these fair forests is both unneeded and unwanted.”
The smile twisted again. I witnessed something flake away from her face.
“And yet who else may offer you the answers to questions beyond the darkness?”
My response was to step inside, both frown and sword in hand.
Creaking floorboards greeted me as more shadows parted. All except the cloaked figure's face, which alone was impervious. The musk grew rancid, and I smelled the same unwashed laundry I'd once glimpsed the maids ferrying from their rooms while I inspected the kitchens at night.
“It's not answers I seek, crone. It's an end to the appalling state of the Ivywood. If you are the source of its despoilment, then I shall politely ask you to stop. Do not make me impolitely ask you.”
Once again, the crone let out a hoarse laugh.
“I am the source of many things, child. For I am the purveyor of lost words, of hidden secrets and futures untold. And just as I can bend leaf and twig, so too can I bend the fate your sword would have of me.”
I decided to move on to impolite asking.
If I had any doubt before, then I had none now. As was plainly obvious from the start, this crone of the woods was the cause of the Ivywood's misfortunes!
“I see. Then not only this crime, but a host of many others as well. I thank you for the admission.”
Bwam.
My ears suddenly rang to the sound of the door slamming shut behind me.
Even so, it almost failed to steal my attention.
Because in that moment, I witnessed a gaunt, skeletal hand sweeping across the table.
I tensed, ready to undo the logs from this cottage.
Instead, I paused with confusion as I saw a mesmerising, crystal ball suddenly appear in the sweeping hand's wake. Within it, a muddied light shone like the stars behind the clouds, twisting and glowing as the fog ebbed and flowed.
I blinked.
The next moment, I saw a reflection of the crone's nose, still peeking out from the darkness.
“A child whose actions are wrapped in haste,” said the frail voice. “And yet now is not the time for you to run aground of destiny's currents. A higher purpose has brought you before me. Not to quibble … but to bargain.”
I could scarcely believe what I just heard.
This crone believed she could bargain with me!
I, who had everything I needed! … Well, everything except quite a lot of things right now, but no matter! Once I secured the kingdom's finances, I would have no lack of material possessions to throw from my window as I pleased!
No, the only thing this crone had to offer me was her repentance, her reparations and her hands as she joined in my soap making rehabilitation programme!
Preferably after she used some soap herself!
“Oh? You wish to bargain?” I upped the severity of my frown, now one notch down from a deadly scowl. “Very well. Then let us bargain–beginning with how much you owe the Royal Treasury. Make no mistake, crone of the woods. Every riddle exchanged, boon bartered for blood and falsehood peddled for coin requires a trading permit. Every rotten log demands planning permission. And every leaf darkened needs a forestry preservation exemptions licence. Do you have any of these things, I wonder?”
“Yes.”
I smiled with all the authority of my royal calling at my back, then raised my sword to … hmm?
“Excuse me?”
“Are you an inspector from the Ivywood Tourism Commission?”
I blinked.
And then–very, very slowly, I began to lower my sword.
“I … well, no … yes? I mean, inspecting the Ivywood is within my remit, certainly …”
“Oh gosh, why didn't you say? I'm so sorry. I mistook you for a customer! I have everything here. Please bear with me one moment.”
Hmmmmmmm?
What was this?!
This never happened! Ever!
And the crone! She was now leaning down, her hands searching for something with a speed which belied her frail voice! And speaking of her voice, why did it suddenly sound so much younger?!
“This is all my documentation,” she said, sitting up again with an armful of paperwork already spilling onto the table. “It's a bit of a mess, but it should all be here!”
I hovered Starlight Grace over the jumbled assortment of … stuff.
A chaotic mess of official lettering met my eyes. Various seals of the kingdom. Letters and correspondence with regional administrations.
And amongst them ...
Trading permit? Check.
Planning documents? Check.
Forestry licences? Check
It … It was all here! … Even a fire safety log!
“Sorry, it's a bit hard to see, isn't it?” said the crone. “Let me sort that out for you.”
She clicked her fingers.
The next moment, I blinked as light gushed in like water through a broken dam.
Shuttered windows snapped open, and any indication of the darkness beyond the walls were swept aside.
Suddenly, I bore witness to green leaves amidst the fading light of the afternoon, the silent nightmare broken by the humming of songbirds and a gentle stream.
Around me, every inch of the creaky floor was revealed, including all the boxes filled with homely possessions lying in the corners just out of sight.
And then–there was the old woman in her cloaked attire.
A woman who wasn't old at all!
“It's a pleasure to meet you!” she said, removing a hooked nose. Her real one was considerably smaller and sweatier. “Belinda Talgrant. Certified witch. I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting another inspection so soon, but I suppose that's what they're all about, huh? Would you like to see my due diligence records?”
She shook away her hood, revealing the smiling face of the most disappointingly ordinary, middle-aged woman I'd ever seen in my life.
I glanced between her and the unsorted pile of paperwork.
A certified witch?!
She wasn't merely some hag who'd illegally taken up residence in these woods and now led innocent town girls astray?!
“N-No … it's fine, thank you.”
“Are you sure? It wouldn't be an issue.”
“No, no, it really is fine … but just to confirm, what is the nature of your … business?”
“Of course! My main business is divination services.”
I aimed my disbelief towards the windows. Green leaves tussled against one another outside. The cawing of crows had been replaced by the chirping of finches.
“Divination services?! But then why is … was … is the Ivywood so appalling?”
The woman raised a gaunt, skeletal hand to her lips and giggled.
Noticing me glance at the bony structure, she gave a flick of her wrist until the added appendages fell off.
“Oh, that? It's the effect I was going for, of course! Business has been slow and I wanted to make my services a more memorable experience. As a result, I now offer a fully immersive haunted woods experience as a newly accredited witch of the woods, free with all my divinations!”
The woman smiled pleasantly, like a maid who hadn't yet learned to suffer my ire.
Something which was shortly about to change.
“Excuse me! You cannot do that!”
“Do what?”
“That! Engulfing the Ivywood in magical darkness! I assure you, this goes far against the spirit of whatever official permission you may have … somehow attained! It is highly detrimental to the trade route to and from Trierport!”
“Actually, trade has increased since rumours of a genuine witch has appeared.”
I threw my arms up in disbelief. The witch leaned away as Starlight Grace came perilously close to her hair.
“It has?!”
The witch nodded, her brows knitting seriously.
“Yes. Until I received my accreditation, I was lucky to have a single customer a day as of late. Now I'll have several before lunch time. It's still nothing compared to how it used to be, but travellers from Trierport and Aquina appreciate the spectacle. My divinations aren't more accurate. But they like to believe it's the case.”
I pursed my lips.
For the Ivywood to be transformed into a haunted attraction was a travesty … and yet, if it also meant an increase in trade, then … no, wait!
This was still unacceptable!
Yes, I wished to increase my kingdom's tax revenues! But lines had to be drawn!
The Ivywood represented our kingdom! First it was one witch, but next it'd be an entire coven! I refused to allow our forests to become home to all manner of cauldrons and falling broomsticks!
No … clearly, the issue at hand was that trade had slowed to a crawl in the first place! Fixing that was the solution, not haunted gimmicks!
“I see. I commend you on your wish to increase the amount of taxes you pay. But this is only a temporary salve. The novelty will end, and so will your uptick of customers. Your business is doomed to failure.”
The witch's bright, professional expression froze.
“I … I mean, it's hard but–”
“No, stop. Your crushing optimism is unneeded. Only your answers. Tell me why trade has diminished. And if it's pirates, then you may rejoice. I will fix that.”
I received a blank stare in response, the smile slowly fading from the woman's lips as she sent her gaze up and down my splendid form.
“Excuse me? You'll fix … what? The pirates?”
“The pirates. Are they not a scourge on our shores?”
The woman paused before answering, clearly stunned at the sight of the only useful person in the entire kingdom.
“Well, yes. But we've always had pirates. It's rather more than that now, I'm afraid.”
“What do you mean?”
“They no longer just keep to the sea. They've been … um, digging land.”
I looked towards the wooden ceiling, attempting to peer past at the heavens above.
Sometimes, I wondered if all of this was the cost of being beautiful, intelligent, charming and wealthy. If so, it was worth it. But even so, this was highly aggravating.
“The pirates are now in the kingdom?!” I said to anyone who could answer. “Do you mean to say they're no longer simply content with blockading the coast and extorting whatever ransom they demand from our ports?!”
“I believe so, yes. Now the roads aren't safe.”
“Why are they now upon our land?! They're seafaring cowards who default to flight whenever any challenge is put before them! What are they doing?!”
Beside me, Coppelia hummed and offered her input, complete with the world's most unnecessary beam.
“It sounds like they're doing what pirates do. Digging for treasure. Think they found something good?”
I was appalled!
Hoodlums with shovels were now uprooting my kingdom?! And for what exactly?! Hoes the farmers accidentally left in the dirt?!
The absolute nerve!
Why?! Why were they now upon our shores?!
Even for unthinking ruffians, this was too at odds with their usual workings! Their might was in their ships! They had no strength on land!
That. Was. It!
I officially had neither the time nor the patience for this!
Why, I still needed to take a bath! It'd take at least an hour to wash away the usual waft from Apple! And finding an inn with a sufficiently sized bath was always the most challenging part of this entire expedition!
“Come, Coppelia!” I said, turning from the witch blinking at me with highly confused eyes. “I refuse to tarry while sea rogues stick shovels in my kingdom!”
I made for the door. Only the fact I had to pull on the damp looking handle caused me to pause in my noble quest.
“Wait, please–!”
And then there was the witch, whose chair slid as she abruptly stood up. I glanced back at her and held up a finger, silencing whatever gratitude or lovestruck poetry she wished to convey.
“The pirates are a larger nuisance that I envisaged. I thank you for this information, Miss–”
“Belinda Talgrant.”
“Yes. That. In return for stressing the need for expediency, I shall give you time to amend any changes you've made to the Ivywood. And make no mistake. I'll come for a further inspection after I've booted away the miscreants. When I do, I expect the forest to be in pristine condition. Utterly spotless to the leaf. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a kingdom to rescue.”
For a moment, the woman said nothing, merely regarding the noble qualities in my eyes … and also the shameful copper ring I failed to be rid of, due entirely to the conniving of my future handmaiden.
“Do you … Do you truly intend to meet the pirates which threaten our shores?”
“Of course.”
The witch slowly nodded, then placed her hand atop her breast.
“Then … would you like me to divine your future?”
“Excuse me?”
“Though a temperamental branch of magic, I happen to be a diviner of quite some skill. If you intend to meet with such powerful adversaries, then I may be able to offer you a glimpse into your future, to avoid the darkest roads which lay ahead.”
In response, I raised my hand to my lips and smiled.
“Ohohoho … is that so? I decline.”
“What?”
“To peer is to doubt. And I have none of that in my heart. After all, I already know what my future is.”
I turned again from the stunned woman, striding through the door after Coppelia finally got the hint and opened it for me.
That's right! I would rescue my kingdom from the clutches of financial ruin!
And when I did, I'd return home to the Royal Villa, where I would nap in my orchard while finally finishing A Court Lady's Indiscretion, Vol. III. After I was satisfied, I'd perhaps sample a 14 layer cake which the maids were still holding back from collapsing, before ordering it destroyed for its indecency. And then I'd take another nap.
That was my future.
And I knew how to achieve it without a crystal ball to tell me.
By striding forwards, resolute in purpose, never faltering, never bending, my chin high and back straight … as a princess of the kingdom.
