“W-W-What is this … ?!”
My mouth fell open at the sight before me.
There was much to admire about the kingdom's famed coastline. Beneath the setting sun, I witnessed a shimmering sea as rich as pearls and beaches as golden as my heart. And yet neither was currently responsible for my dereliction of form.
No … it was holes.
Instead of windswept grasslands facing the sea, there were holes!
Instead of glittering sand beneath the dimming horizon, there were holes!
Instead of peddlers hawking cheap goods outside Trierport's main gates while avoiding the town's necessary merchant fees … well, there should be holes!
Holes here! Holes there! Holes everywhere except where I wanted there to be holes!
Why … Why were there so many holes in my kingdom?!
Apple paused without input. He dipped his head to chew on a bundle of daisies cruelly uprooted from the earth. He had his pick of the choice. Everywhere I looked, defenceless spring flowers were scattered like socks upon my bedroom floor.
“This is terrible!” I said, utterly appalled at the rampant vandalism around me. “Even for rogues, I can scarcely believe the scale of the wanton desecration!”
“Yes, it's awful,” replied Coppelia as she chewed on a bundle of tulips. “Think they found what they're looking for?”
“Of course not! Our kingdom is a land of bountiful treasures, but all of it is securely guarded within the vaults of the Royal Villa! Just what do they hope to dig from our beaches and shores?! … Coppelia, we must put a stop to this at once!”
“Mmh~ I'm not really a fan of so much soil in the petals. It leaves a bitter aftertaste. Ouzelia's pirates are a lot tidier when digging for treasure.”
I nodded, only half listening as I calculated the obscene amount of soap I'd need crafted to support the amount of sentences I'd be issuing for this travesty.
“Then rejoice. You shall soon have the opportunity to instruct them on matters of etiquette. I swear it!”
The more I gazed, the more I could scarcely believe my eyes.
The scale of the ruin! It was almost as bad as an intrusion of badgers into my orchard!
Indeed, the only reason I wasn't beautifully fainting on the spot was because I'd seen worse! Were I not already accustomed to the horrific sight of my land being dug up by mindless animals, my saddle would be drenched in a pool of tears!
No, just like the overgrown rodents who entered my orchard, I would thoroughly remove them from my sight!
I tugged on Apple's reins to resume his trot, my will hardening with each slow step.
Clearly, there was much to do … and if I could squeeze past the giant queue seeking to block my path towards Trierport's main gate, then I could begin doing it.
It was endless.
Stretching further than even the rows of peddlers valiantly hoping to disrupt it with their decomposing wares, a queue of commoners lined up in anarchic fashion as they filled the road towards Trierport's entrance, each waiting to be trampled over by Apple's indiscriminate hooves.
A grim prospect. Someone was going to have to clean the flattened mess. And it certainly wasn't going to be me.
Nor, I suspect, the woman in semi-formal uniform waiting at the end of the queue.
I immediately recognised the attire, if not the face.
It denoted a receptionist of the Adventurer's Guild.
Not even an adventurer tasked with every menial job imaginable. But a member of its ceaseless bureaucracy, who for a reason even my genius mind was unable to comprehend, now herded a queue into town.
The woman held a wooden sign over her shoulder.
Queue starts here.
Current waiting time: 3 hours 17 minutes.
I pursed my lips.
And then–
I preemptively fixed my face into the inevitable expression of grief.
“Wow, that's a long waiting time~” said Coppelia. “Want me to hold a spot for you while you go do important lady things first?”
I was appalled.
“Excuse me! What are you insinuating! I'm … I’m a princess!”
“Well, sure, but princesses still need to meet the call of nature. You can't pretend that you're special. I wake up every time you crawl over me, you know?”
My mouth fell open.
Then, I wildly swished my head around like a searching barn owl, before lowering my voice into a whisper which even the breeze couldn't carry.
“Coppelia! There's a time and a place to speak about matters such as this! And that time is never! Absolutely never!”
“… Really?”
“Really!”
“Oh. I never knew. I mean, the gross stuff I've seen you people do, I thought talking about stuff like that had to be the most normal thing in the world.”
“It is most certainly not.”
I raised my head with dignity, ignoring the giggling my highly untrained future handmaiden was emitting. Emergency lessons in tactfulness were required. But like all things, it had to join an entirely different queue.
The one for my time.
Even so, the very basics needed to be addressed.
“… Furthermore, I do princess things, not lady things. That's an important distinction. And furthermore to that, I do not queue. People queue for me. So no, you do not need to hold my spot.”
“Oh good. Because I was only joking. Straight through?”
“Straight through.” I nodded. “Come, Coppelia. We shall order this line of commoners to part for us. And then proceed to ignore whatever they do.”
Clearly, the situation was even more dire than I'd thought.
There was only one reason why such a vast gathering would be queueing to enter the town. And that's if the pirate threat was now so severe that commoners from the surrounding landscape were rushing to seek shelter behind its walls.
We approached the Adventurer's Guild receptionist.
Impervious to both the sight of the coming evening and to my noble steed's snorts, the woman offered a smile as she stood undaunted with the sign above her shoulder.
“Good evening! Would you like to join the queue? Please note that the waiting time listed on the sign is only an estimate and that actual times may vary considerably.”
I instinctively peeled away.
There was something about the unbending smile of those at the bottom rung of the Adventurer's Guild which earned my distrust as much as the roguish grin of any hooligan.
At least vagrants were clear in their purposes. But whatever dark ambitions these receptionists held in their hearts, I could only presume … and shudder.
“Rest assured that I have no such intention. What is the meaning of this? Why is my entry into Trierport being blockaded by a ragged line of commoners? I am giving due warning. I intend to enter, and my horse does not stop unless told to or is distracted by food.”
“Oh no. If you'd like to enter Trierport, you can just follow this path.”
The woman pointed at a hopelessly inadequate, if unobstructed ditch detouring around the queue.
I frowned in puzzlement.
“Then what is the meaning of this queue? Has news of my arrival come?”
“Excuse me?” The receptionist smiled politely. Always that same smile. “This is the queue for the Adventurer's Guild.”
I blinked, waiting for the words to make sense.
They didn't.
Instead, I peered over the top of the line, narrowing my eyes as I spied Trierport's open gates–and where the queue was clearly disappearing into a building partially hidden behind the guardhouse.
“That's absurd,” I stated simply. “Why would anyone be queueing to enter that den of layabouts?”
“To post commissions.”
“Commissions?” I looked on in disbelief. “How many cats have gone missing that half of Trierport has decided to clog up the road leading into town?”
“A considerable amount. But missing cats is no longer the most common concern.”
The woman pointed towards the sea.
There, far in the distance, the silhouettes of frigates could be seen jostling beneath the setting sun. All of them were topped by a black flag, the shape of a skulled sigil easily drawn in one's mind.
“The vast majority of commissions are requests to defeat the pirate armada currently crippling the region's movement of goods and people. However, a sizable amount still concern lost cats. Do you also have a lost cat you wish to be found?”
My hands squeezed around Apple's reins.
“No, I do not.”
“I understand. Do you require use of our confidential service to submit your request for finding a lost cat?”
I tightly closed my eyes, failing to ignore both the receptionist's professional aura and Coppelia's rabid laughter nearby.
“No, I have no lost cat ... rather, please explain to me how it's possible that even in the midst of a crisis, fools still have time to worry about finding their runaway cats, who have very obviously decided to abandon them?”
“That isn't always the case. In 17% of occurrences, the cats were found hidden in a tree, beneath a bench or behind a box.”
“Failed escapes, then. They shall do better next time. Especially if it's to search for greener and less hole-filled pastures. Where is the garrison? How could Trierport's guards have permitted such rampant vandalism to occur on their very doorstep? This is inexcusable.”
The receptionist followed my gaze, taking in the sight of the nearby fields and beaches riddled with enough holes to match the plots of the books I did or didn't hide beneath my pillow.
“If you refer to the evidence of unlawful digging, then Trierport's garrison has attempted to deter as many incidents as they can. My understanding is that the suspects come frequently after dark and scatter when confronted.”
Ugh.
Pirates. They were less like common hoodlums and more like scuttling cockroaches. And so now the guild reaped the reward as the naïve sought adventurers to contend with the issue.
Opportunism without subtlety.
Except they hid it behind odes to philanthropy. Undoubtedly, they would help build an orphanage or something equally eye-roll worthy and hope I didn't notice.
“I see no lack of townsfolk willing to part with their crowns. With such a golden cry for help, why has the issue gone unabated? Surely, some do-gooder pretending not to be enticed solely by riches would have come to confront the pirates?”
“That is the hope. Many of the town's merchant guilds are in agreement to pool funds. It's hoped that eventually, the reward will be large enough that suitably powerful adventurers will be drawn towards taking up the challenge.”
“The only way to entice the layabouts to rise from their cups. I expected nothing else, yet I'm still disappointed. And what is the trifling reward currently on offer?”
“As of this morning, the pool for defeating the pirates stood at 127,892 gold crowns.”
She paused as my mouth opened wide.
“It is likely higher now,” she added simply.
I blinked as suddenly, the haze generated by this receptionist's stoic smile was cut through by the absurdity of the number she'd presented.
127,892 gold crowns?!
That was … that was … maths!
Surely, it had to be the entire wealth of Trierport?!
Why, I could order enough scandalous books to fill up several bookshelves with that amount, including the history grimoires I used as cover! I'd even be able to order books only recently released, something which my couriers informed me would cost at least 1,000 crowns each, even with my generous princess discount!
… Wait, no! ...
I wasn't seeking funds to purchase books!
Indeed, I had a more noble purpose!
Ohoho … ohohoho … ohohohohohohohohoho!
This was it!
An entire town was seeking to open its purse strings for a saviour!
And that saviour … was me!
Here it was at last! A semblance of normality!
Commoners queueing to offer all their financial assets in exchange for my angelic light!
With such a tidy sum as my reward, my intricate two-for-one scheme to secure funding for my farmboys-to-heroes stipend and eject the Adventurer's Guild from prominence would surely come to fruition!
True, I had no idea how much I actually needed to perpetually fund an army of heroes … but if they were farmboys, then I was certain they'd be happy eating high quality soil! It surely wouldn't cost an exorbitant amount … right?
In any case, my disregard for personal dignity could now pay dividends!
Ohhohohohohohohoho!
Despite my humiliation and frequent fist punching into my pillows, a tangible prize for joining such a slovenly organisation was now finally within sight!
Why … I just had to deal with the simple issue of shooing away a pirate fleet first!
“Very well,” I said, tugging at Apple's reins. “I understand the situation. I shall enter the guild now. If you'll please excuse me.”
The receptionist blinked at me, her smile undeterred.
“I apologise, but if you'd like to enter the guild branch, you'll have to join the queue first.”
I raised my hand to my lips and smiled.
In the process, I did something I never knew I would.
I willingly displayed the copper ring disgracing my finger.
As the receptionist's demeanour immediately shifted to one of glorious confusion, I swept past on Apple's back.
Nothing more needed to be said. I knew the task ahead of me.
Step 1: Pick up my next commission from the Adventurer's Guild, fix everything, then use my newly acquired funds to finally erase said guild from the kingdom's records!
“Ohhohohohohoho … such a flawless plan!”
I laughed as I proceeded forwards, buoyed by the advancement of my schemes upon schemes. Even better, the commoners in the queue spared no effort to move aside for me, doubtlessly stunned by my regal presence.
Soon, my image would be bolstered by the sight of me elegantly sitting atop a pile of 127,892 gold crowns.
And that, if nothing else, was worth a smile.
“W-W-What is this … ?!”
My mouth fell open at the sight before me.
There was much to admire about the kingdom's famed coastline. Beneath the setting sun, I witnessed a shimmering sea as rich as pearls and beaches as golden as my heart. And yet neither was currently responsible for my dereliction of form.
No … it was holes.
Instead of windswept grasslands facing the sea, there were holes!
Instead of glittering sand beneath the dimming horizon, there were holes!
Instead of peddlers hawking cheap goods outside Trierport's main gates while avoiding the town's necessary merchant fees … well, there should be holes!
Holes here! Holes there! Holes everywhere except where I wanted there to be holes!
Why … Why were there so many holes in my kingdom?!
Apple paused without input. He dipped his head to chew on a bundle of daisies cruelly uprooted from the earth. He had his pick of the choice. Everywhere I looked, defenceless spring flowers were scattered like socks upon my bedroom floor.
“This is terrible!” I said, utterly appalled at the rampant vandalism around me. “Even for rogues, I can scarcely believe the scale of the wanton desecration!”
“Yes, it's awful,” replied Coppelia as she chewed on a bundle of tulips. “Think they found what they're looking for?”
“Of course not! Our kingdom is a land of bountiful treasures, but all of it is securely guarded within the vaults of the Royal Villa! Just what do they hope to dig from our beaches and shores?! … Coppelia, we must put a stop to this at once!”
“Mmh~ I'm not really a fan of so much soil in the petals. It leaves a bitter aftertaste. Ouzelia's pirates are a lot tidier when digging for treasure.”
I nodded, only half listening as I calculated the obscene amount of soap I'd need crafted to support the amount of sentences I'd be issuing for this travesty.
“Then rejoice. You shall soon have the opportunity to instruct them on matters of etiquette. I swear it!”
The more I gazed, the more I could scarcely believe my eyes.
The scale of the ruin! It was almost as bad as an intrusion of badgers into my orchard!
Indeed, the only reason I wasn't beautifully fainting on the spot was because I'd seen worse! Were I not already accustomed to the horrific sight of my land being dug up by mindless animals, my saddle would be drenched in a pool of tears!
No, just like the overgrown rodents who entered my orchard, I would thoroughly remove them from my sight!
I tugged on Apple's reins to resume his trot, my will hardening with each slow step.
Clearly, there was much to do … and if I could squeeze past the giant queue seeking to block my path towards Trierport's main gate, then I could begin doing it.
It was endless.
Stretching further than even the rows of peddlers valiantly hoping to disrupt it with their decomposing wares, a queue of commoners lined up in anarchic fashion as they filled the road towards Trierport's entrance, each waiting to be trampled over by Apple's indiscriminate hooves.
A grim prospect. Someone was going to have to clean the flattened mess. And it certainly wasn't going to be me.
Nor, I suspect, the woman in semi-formal uniform waiting at the end of the queue.
I immediately recognised the attire, if not the face.
It denoted a receptionist of the Adventurer's Guild.
Not even an adventurer tasked with every menial job imaginable. But a member of its ceaseless bureaucracy, who for a reason even my genius mind was unable to comprehend, now herded a queue into town.
The woman held a wooden sign over her shoulder.
Queue starts here.
Current waiting time: 3 hours 17 minutes.
I pursed my lips.
And then–
I preemptively fixed my face into the inevitable expression of grief.
“Wow, that's a long waiting time~” said Coppelia. “Want me to hold a spot for you while you go do important lady things first?”
I was appalled.
“Excuse me! What are you insinuating! I'm … I’m a princess!”
“Well, sure, but princesses still need to meet the call of nature. You can't pretend that you're special. I wake up every time you crawl over me, you know?”
My mouth fell open.
Then, I wildly swished my head around like a searching barn owl, before lowering my voice into a whisper which even the breeze couldn't carry.
“Coppelia! There's a time and a place to speak about matters such as this! And that time is never! Absolutely never!”
“… Really?”
“Really!”
“Oh. I never knew. I mean, the gross stuff I've seen you people do, I thought talking about stuff like that had to be the most normal thing in the world.”
“It is most certainly not.”
I raised my head with dignity, ignoring the giggling my highly untrained future handmaiden was emitting. Emergency lessons in tactfulness were required. But like all things, it had to join an entirely different queue.
The one for my time.
Even so, the very basics needed to be addressed.
“… Furthermore, I do princess things, not lady things. That's an important distinction. And furthermore to that, I do not queue. People queue for me. So no, you do not need to hold my spot.”
“Oh good. Because I was only joking. Straight through?”
“Straight through.” I nodded. “Come, Coppelia. We shall order this line of commoners to part for us. And then proceed to ignore whatever they do.”
Clearly, the situation was even more dire than I'd thought.
There was only one reason why such a vast gathering would be queueing to enter the town. And that's if the pirate threat was now so severe that commoners from the surrounding landscape were rushing to seek shelter behind its walls.
We approached the Adventurer's Guild receptionist.
Impervious to both the sight of the coming evening and to my noble steed's snorts, the woman offered a smile as she stood undaunted with the sign above her shoulder.
“Good evening! Would you like to join the queue? Please note that the waiting time listed on the sign is only an estimate and that actual times may vary considerably.”
I instinctively peeled away.
There was something about the unbending smile of those at the bottom rung of the Adventurer's Guild which earned my distrust as much as the roguish grin of any hooligan.
At least vagrants were clear in their purposes. But whatever dark ambitions these receptionists held in their hearts, I could only presume … and shudder.
“Rest assured that I have no such intention. What is the meaning of this? Why is my entry into Trierport being blockaded by a ragged line of commoners? I am giving due warning. I intend to enter, and my horse does not stop unless told to or is distracted by food.”
“Oh no. If you'd like to enter Trierport, you can just follow this path.”
The woman pointed at a hopelessly inadequate, if unobstructed ditch detouring around the queue.
I frowned in puzzlement.
“Then what is the meaning of this queue? Has news of my arrival come?”
“Excuse me?” The receptionist smiled politely. Always that same smile. “This is the queue for the Adventurer's Guild.”
I blinked, waiting for the words to make sense.
They didn't.
Instead, I peered over the top of the line, narrowing my eyes as I spied Trierport's open gates–and where the queue was clearly disappearing into a building partially hidden behind the guardhouse.
“That's absurd,” I stated simply. “Why would anyone be queueing to enter that den of layabouts?”
“To post commissions.”
“Commissions?” I looked on in disbelief. “How many cats have gone missing that half of Trierport has decided to clog up the road leading into town?”
“A considerable amount. But missing cats is no longer the most common concern.”
The woman pointed towards the sea.
There, far in the distance, the silhouettes of frigates could be seen jostling beneath the setting sun. All of them were topped by a black flag, the shape of a skulled sigil easily drawn in one's mind.
“The vast majority of commissions are requests to defeat the pirate armada currently crippling the region's movement of goods and people. However, a sizable amount still concern lost cats. Do you also have a lost cat you wish to be found?”
My hands squeezed around Apple's reins.
“No, I do not.”
“I understand. Do you require use of our confidential service to submit your request for finding a lost cat?”
I tightly closed my eyes, failing to ignore both the receptionist's professional aura and Coppelia's rabid laughter nearby.
“No, I have no lost cat ... rather, please explain to me how it's possible that even in the midst of a crisis, fools still have time to worry about finding their runaway cats, who have very obviously decided to abandon them?”
“That isn't always the case. In 17% of occurrences, the cats were found hidden in a tree, beneath a bench or behind a box.”
“Failed escapes, then. They shall do better next time. Especially if it's to search for greener and less hole-filled pastures. Where is the garrison? How could Trierport's guards have permitted such rampant vandalism to occur on their very doorstep? This is inexcusable.”
The receptionist followed my gaze, taking in the sight of the nearby fields and beaches riddled with enough holes to match the plots of the books I did or didn't hide beneath my pillow.
“If you refer to the evidence of unlawful digging, then Trierport's garrison has attempted to deter as many incidents as they can. My understanding is that the suspects come frequently after dark and scatter when confronted.”
Ugh.
Pirates. They were less like common hoodlums and more like scuttling cockroaches. And so now the guild reaped the reward as the naïve sought adventurers to contend with the issue.
Opportunism without subtlety.
Except they hid it behind odes to philanthropy. Undoubtedly, they would help build an orphanage or something equally eye-roll worthy and hope I didn't notice.
“I see no lack of townsfolk willing to part with their crowns. With such a golden cry for help, why has the issue gone unabated? Surely, some do-gooder pretending not to be enticed solely by riches would have come to confront the pirates?”
“That is the hope. Many of the town's merchant guilds are in agreement to pool funds. It's hoped that eventually, the reward will be large enough that suitably powerful adventurers will be drawn towards taking up the challenge.”
“The only way to entice the layabouts to rise from their cups. I expected nothing else, yet I'm still disappointed. And what is the trifling reward currently on offer?”
“As of this morning, the pool for defeating the pirates stood at 127,892 gold crowns.”
She paused as my mouth opened wide.
“It is likely higher now,” she added simply.
I blinked as suddenly, the haze generated by this receptionist's stoic smile was cut through by the absurdity of the number she'd presented.
127,892 gold crowns?!
That was … that was … maths!
Surely, it had to be the entire wealth of Trierport?!
Why, I could order enough scandalous books to fill up several bookshelves with that amount, including the history grimoires I used as cover! I'd even be able to order books only recently released, something which my couriers informed me would cost at least 1,000 crowns each, even with my generous princess discount!
… Wait, no! ...
I wasn't seeking funds to purchase books!
Indeed, I had a more noble purpose!
Ohoho … ohohoho … ohohohohohohohohoho!
This was it!
An entire town was seeking to open its purse strings for a saviour!
And that saviour … was me!
Here it was at last! A semblance of normality!
Commoners queueing to offer all their financial assets in exchange for my angelic light!
With such a tidy sum as my reward, my intricate two-for-one scheme to secure funding for my farmboys-to-heroes stipend and eject the Adventurer's Guild from prominence would surely come to fruition!
True, I had no idea how much I actually needed to perpetually fund an army of heroes … but if they were farmboys, then I was certain they'd be happy eating high quality soil! It surely wouldn't cost an exorbitant amount … right?
In any case, my disregard for personal dignity could now pay dividends!
Ohhohohohohohohoho!
Despite my humiliation and frequent fist punching into my pillows, a tangible prize for joining such a slovenly organisation was now finally within sight!
Why … I just had to deal with the simple issue of shooing away a pirate fleet first!
“Very well,” I said, tugging at Apple's reins. “I understand the situation. I shall enter the guild now. If you'll please excuse me.”
The receptionist blinked at me, her smile undeterred.
“I apologise, but if you'd like to enter the guild branch, you'll have to join the queue first.”
I raised my hand to my lips and smiled.
In the process, I did something I never knew I would.
I willingly displayed the copper ring disgracing my finger.
As the receptionist's demeanour immediately shifted to one of glorious confusion, I swept past on Apple's back.
Nothing more needed to be said. I knew the task ahead of me.
Step 1: Pick up my next commission from the Adventurer's Guild, fix everything, then use my newly acquired funds to finally erase said guild from the kingdom's records!
“Ohhohohohohoho … such a flawless plan!”
I laughed as I proceeded forwards, buoyed by the advancement of my schemes upon schemes. Even better, the commoners in the queue spared no effort to move aside for me, doubtlessly stunned by my regal presence.
Soon, my image would be bolstered by the sight of me elegantly sitting atop a pile of 127,892 gold crowns.
And that, if nothing else, was worth a smile.
