Despite my impressive 20 metre swimming certificate, I did not count swimming amongst my favoured hobbies.
Such a revelation often caused visitors to query the certificate placed prominently on its own display in the Royal Villa, their heads tilted in puzzlement as they hid their shock and amazement with a veneer of polite confusion.
Indeed, the fact I was able to achieve such a feat was testimony to my natural talents and not my likes.
None admired this fair kingdom more than I. As a proud princess, I desired little else than to remain with my feet firmly upon its soft grass. And sometimes my back as well, weather permitting.
This entire endeavour, therefore, was a tragic premonition of things to come.
Once the royal yacht was repaired … or rather, built, I expected I’d be hauled off to some ghastly court in some minor foreign realm to play at diplomacy and headhunt a few maids while I was there.
Prospects which caused my tummy to lurch more than the careening of this ship ever could.
To be poached to places far and wide, tasked with the job of rolling my eyes at the politics of our neighbours while roundly dismissing their cuisine before I even tried it …
Yes, indeed–it was the epitome of drudgery!
The sort of task my siblings would agree to!
I refused to consider it. Indeed, until that terrible day they all found themselves busy and my hiding spot as I clutched at my windowsill was discovered, to be aboard a ship was an experience I wished to suffer as little as possible.
Especially as it was only upon one that I would suffer the ultimate insult.
Before me, the mermaid giggled with simple joy to herself as she focused her full attention on rummaging through the chest.
Ignoring my royal station, she casually flicked her fin akin to a child unable to sit still.
I … I was appalled!
Nobody ignored me! I ignored them!
“H-How dare you turn your back to me!” I said, furiously waving my sword for good measure. The shadows cast by Starlight Grace danced wildly around the cabin. “Do you not know who I am?!”
“Nope.”
“Wha–?!”
The … The scandal!
Even masterfully incognito, she should have been able to see my rich attire and high standing! It wasn’t eyes this siren lacked, after all, but legs!
“I’m a person of extreme importance! To ignore me as though I were some complaining peasant is a travesty! Do you not sense the refined aura worthy of eternal vassalage seeping from my pores?!”
The mermaid paused, glancing over her shoulder. Her silvery eyes swept over me.
“Nope,” she said, returning to the chest.
My mouth opened wide as her rejection cannonballed deep into my fragile heart.
I swayed momentarily, clutching the invisible wound to my chest.
Behind me, Coppelia was … well, she was making no show of being ready to catch me! In fact, she looked like she was hiding her laughter. But that’s fine!
Because I could see through the ruse of my future handmaiden as easily as I did the false bravado of this terrified siren!
“Oho … ohoho … ohohoho … v-very well! I see what this is.”
“Hm?”
“Your valour in the face of certain demise is impressive … too impressive! You’ve given your true heart away. By refusing the decency to even face me while speaking, you admit your terror before my righteous bearing and very sharp sword in my hand!”
Indeed, was this not a common ploy amongst the weak?
Just as the noble girls at my mandatory tea parties feigned disinterest when I boasted of my latest poetry anthology, so too did denizens of the sea pretend not to be awestruck by my very presence!
“You lot always have swords in your hands. Look. Even he does.”
The mermaid casually flicked her head towards the captain, his cutlass remaining like an accessory on a statue. To my ire, this maiden’s wonderfully voluminous red hair fluttered like a curtain with that single movement.
“E-Excuse me! This is no common sword. Its edge is so fine that it can cut an unsatisfactory marzipan truffle back into its constituent ingredients!”
Indeed, Starlight Grace was more than a portable candle!
It was a tool to ensure that the new kitchen hires would lack neither ingredients nor just cause to cease their hands until my satisfaction was met. Even now, their tears should be reflected upon its pure blade!
However, rather than paling before its shine–
“Hmmm … definitely not this one.”
The mermaid tossed a goblet behind her shoulder.
I ducked as it flew past my head. Outrage burned in my soul. And then I saw the copper handle and reluctantly nodded instead.
Certain standards needed to be maintained … as did the rule of law.
“I did not think the Kingdom Beneath The Sea to be as flippant as your fins, mermaid. Decrees have been signed both above and below. No denizen of your realm is permitted to harm those who have not strayed into your realm. And last I recall, that is significantly more than a night’s sail from Trierport. This is a most serious breach of the accords.”
Yes.
A truly egregious action had been committed. And as a princess, I could not allow it to go without reply.
Why, my great-great-great-great grandmother herself had swum to the bottom of the Emerald Sea, helping to write the famed treaties that’d severed centuries of hostilities between the denizens of the sea and the brave captains merely wishing to exploit it for its bountiful resources.
Indeed, it was from her that I’d inherited my ability to swim 20 metres!
For her memory, I would not allow this challenge to go unanswered, no matter what trifling excuse I heard! Even should the very depths rise in wrath and ruin, the dignity of my kingdom would prove superior!
“Don’t get your fins in a twist. None of you has been hurt.”
“A bewitchment charm is no child’s trickery, mermaid. This is an underhanded attack, and not the only misdeed you commit. Even as I speak, you boldly rob a chest which I’ve yet to have audited.”
The mermaid stopped, finally turning around.
Neither the puff of her cheeks, nor her crossed arms earned any favours from me. Only one person ever showed this much impertinence. And she was already beside me.
I could not handle one Coppelia, let alone two.
“This isn’t robbing, I’ll have you know. The stuff’s already mine.”
“Pretend that I’m raising my eyebrow. Because that response fails to merit the effort. You are clearly robbing this ship of its wealth after befuddling its crew.”
“No, I’m clearly collecting what’s mine.”
“Really now, while I’ve no doubt their willingness to pilfer when trade proves the harder task, I must point to the natural buoyancy of ogres. There is not a single member of this crew who could burgle from a mermaid.”
“Not burgled. Just stolen. This is my endowment.”
I blinked, now very much hearing something worthy of a raised eyebrow.
“Excuse me?”
“We’re divorced.”
“Who?”
The mermaid pointed at herself–and then at the ogre beside us.
I looked at Captain Talrik and regarded his gormless expression, now complete with a line of dribble.
“You’re joking,” I said plainly.
“No,” replied the mermaid seriously. “Our lives went separate ways. And so did my endowment, apparently. He owes me the equivalent of half his wealth. I don’t want the ship. So trinkets it is.”
She thumbed behind her at the chest, overflowing even with coins and jewellery already spilled upon the floor.
I only continued to feel appalled, but now for wholly separate reasons.
“Excuse me? Are you … Are you claiming that you married an ogre?”
“Yes? Why not?”
The mermaid’s eyes narrowed as she awaited my response. And for the first time, I found myself caught flat footed by a question.
An ogre … and a mermaid?!
How did … but the practicalities of that were … hmmmm?!
O-Of course, it wasn’t my place to speculate … to cast doubt on the affections of others was the epitome of uncouthness …
But even so!
Wasn’t this simply too unheard of?!
“Anyway, I’m not here to break any treaties or whatever,” said the mermaid, returning to the chest with another glorious flick of her hair. “I’m just getting my stuff and leaving. This just about covers what I’m owed, but I’m not even going to take everything. Just a family trinket. And maybe a few tiaras. And a necklace or two. I’ll be gone in a splash.”
I almost found her blasé as insulting as the belief that I would unquestionably stand by and watch as a mermaid ransacked the ship I was on.
First it would be trinkets. Next it would be the rudder.
Frankly, I hadn’t a single care for the domestic disputes of commoners, finned or otherwise. I served a higher purpose. One which demanded expediency above all else, for I raced to save my very kingdom! And I would not see it jeopardised for any reason!
Besides, that she believed I’d contemplate accepting her highly unorthodox story at face value was a scandal! … And it wasn’t because I was close-minded! No, not at all!
On the contrary, I, whose every experience of romance was gleaned exclusively from the pulpy pages of bottom-shelf literature, was a sage of all things love! And right now, my honed intuition was telling me not a single ember existed between these two!
Yes, there was no doubt about it.
I was being led astray.
Why, it was almost as if … as if she knew she had the voice of a siren!
“Excuse me.” I narrowed my eyes at the back of her head. “As unseemly as it is for me to interrupt your seizure of owed effects, I do have a question I need to ask.”
“Hm?”
The mermaid tilted her head without bothering to glance around. A bracelet flew past my head. Silver, this time. And inlaid with … jade? No. Green agate. My princess senses could spot the imitation with my nose. The smell of the lowest rung of wealth.
Once again, I nodded.
And then I pointed at the stupefied ogre beside us.
“What is his name?”
“Huh?”
The mermaid stopped, a heavy ornate amulet made of stone clutched in her hands as she looked up. She turned to Captain Talrik, her silvery eyes blinking at the large ogre as though only seeing him for the first time.
“This ogre,” I said simply. “Your former husband. What is his name?”
A long moment of silence passed.
“Desmond?” asked the mermaid hopefully.
I smiled.
And then, I raised my sword.
“Ohohoho … it appears I cannot permit your looting today, siren.”
To my chagrin, the customary look of despair failed to materialise.
The mermaid instead gave a non-committal shrug, before offering a flick of that disgustingly pristine hair in defiance of the fact it was constantly submerged in water.
Then, she smiled.
“Actually, I believe that you can .”
Her voice switched to a sonorous hum.
In that moment, I was instantly swept away with emotions I never knew I could experience outside of my beloved orchard.
Without warning, I felt a wave of dulcet tones wash over me, soothing my worries like the sound of a light drizzle pattering against my bedroom windows.
Here was a hum worthy of standing upon the broad stage of the Royal Arc Theatre. The depth of a contralto with the magic of a gifted soprano. A voice that was an orchestra within itself, filled with a harmony as natural as songbirds in the woods.
Truly, hers was a voice which could not be described by the faux poetry of any critic.
Nor did it deserve to be.
Because this mermaid … was a complete fraud.
“One,” I declared.
The mermaid blinked at me with her wide eyes, leaning back as she recoiled with shock.
“Excuse me?”
“One,” I repeated. “Out of ten. Blood is not seeping from my ears, only my soul. I therefore begrudgingly offer a single point for the feat of emitting noise. My congratulations.”
The mermaid’s mouth fell open. Only then did I see the fangs.
“One … out of ten?! That’s outrageous!”
“The only outrageous thing here is that you believe I’m at the level of sailors whose mastery of song extends to whatever is bellowed in the back of rowdy taverns. Do not underestimate me. I’ve been throwing rotten banana peels at the finest songstresses since I could reasonably aim. And you are not one of them.”
“I … I was the head mermaid for my shoal choir! Consecutively!”
“Then perhaps you should endeavour to secure the role again, since to be head of the first fully deaf mermaid choir must be quite the feat. No, do not believe for a single moment that you are the first imposter I’ve witnessed attempt to charm me with the power of magic. I can hear it woven into the notes like the sobbing of terrified servants as they flitter amongst a royal gathering. A petty trick more suitable to a circus ring than a theatre stage.”
Why, with magic, I too could elevate my singing voice to resonate with the heavens!
Were I anything less than a dignified princess, I would have long ordered a mage to cast a spell on my diaphragm than to have suffered the hours it took for me to stop breaking glass!
How dare this mermaid insult the sacrifice of so many stained windows!
For a moment, she simply appeared stunned, her expression an amalgamation of misplaced outrage and, yes … tacit embarrassment!
“Hehehe …”
It lasted only a moment.
Breaking into a giggle, she allowed her shoulders to fall as she assumed a sweet smile, all traces of that vexation swept aside like an ebbing tide.
“Oh, how amusing it is to be insulted by a little girl with too much stock in her own worth. A shame you lack fins. For all your brattishness, it’ll do little to help outswim a kraken.”
She held up the small amulet in her hand, her mischief somehow reflected in the grain.
“See this? A warding amulet. It’s not fire and arrows which keep these ogres safe. But magic. There are so many ways I could do away with this foul stench which plagues my nose, but why be wasteful? Even the greatest of us need to eat. And the one below is so very hungry.”
Hmmmmmmm.
Very well. This one met the minimum threshold for the raised eyebrow.
Just.
I began to judge which part of the wall deserved a newly made exit the most. It was likely the painting of a fruit bowl. A work only marginally more interesting than whatever contrived reason a mermaid had to burgle a ship just to have it sunk by a sea monster.
But then again, making a hole would also invite Coppelia’s laughter … and likely also a genuine belief that destruction of property was normal to me.
Ugh. I could practically feel my delicate image waning in my future handmaiden’s eyes. Saving the kingdom or not, making holes in walls was the role of hooligans, not princesses.
No … for this singer of mischief, I had a far more suitable reprisal in mind.
“So charity is your design,” I said. “And yet I’m afraid I’ve no wish to be swallowed by anything other than my bed. You shall have to offer something far less appetising.”
The mermaid giggled again. This time, no magic was wrapped around the sound. It was cold and biting as the furthest sea.
“I believe I shall offer this hunk of rotting wood and all who reside upon it. Yourself included. For all your slander, you are still pitifully mistaken. Because you see–”
The mermaid’s expression softened.
Then, all I saw was the image of a maiden as innocent as a lamb frolicking in the meadows.
“–there are more ways to charm than merely one’s voice.”
Magic more powerful than even her words reached out to gently brush at me, painting the edge of my vision into a warm and peaceful blur.
I nodded in agreement.
“Yes, there is … why, I see it in the mirror each morning.”
And then, leaning slightly forwards–
I performed a smile of my own.
The mermaid instantly stumbled, despite not having legs.
Ohhohohohohohohoho!
Here it was! My ultimate ability!
[Princess Charm]
A ruthless technique to fell even the hearts of golems!
Because this … this was not the smile of a princess at a royal function!
It was the smile of a princess in the comfort of her own room!
Here it was! The ultimate dream of moronic heroes, farm boys and knights everywhere! To witness the rumoured gap between a princess’s public persona and her true self!
Smiling as though I were at last returned to my bedroom, I allowed the longed for chasm in appearance to manifest! No longer the regal, wise princess of everyone’s knowledge, I placed down my tiara and became but an innocent maiden rolling about in her bed!
There was only one drawback.
It was disgustingly embarrassing.
Here was a move so profoundly painful to my dignity that even to use it to stave off bodily demise, my pride would still meet death. I had sworn never to use it.
But against the charms of a mermaid, this was more than mere defence.
Why, it was a lesson!
Ohhohohohohohohohohoho!
“Now, behold and learn! Compared to your mockery of bewitchment, I do not require magic to cover my shortfalls. As the fairest of them all, my natural charms and affectionate smile captures the hearts of all who gaze upon me!”
I waited for a response. The weeping tears. The cry of surrender as she fell to her … well, she had no knees, but whatever was equivalent!
The mermaid said nothing.
She instead peered silently at me, her silvery eyes hardening like minerals cast from the sea as her own smile paled against the superior power.
And then–a clear dribble ran down from the corner of her lips.
I retreated immediately, utterly alarmed.
All of a sudden, the sanguine mermaid was gone, replaced by a slobbering mess. It was disgraceful. A look of utter impropriety as unseemly as a shortcake without a strawberry.
Seeing the overwhelming strength of my charm attack, I could only be mortified at the destruction I’d caused to my foe’s public image!
Why, she’d only attempted to have me eaten by a kraken! This was too much!
I’d just turned a mermaid into a gormless, drooling, slack jawed ogre!
“Huh … ? Where was … Why am I … ?”
Yes!
Just like this one!
Released from the siren’s spell, the ogre snapped into waking consciousness.
As though driven by instinct, the grip on his cutlass hardened even before his eyes regarded the scene around him. At his familiar abode, now filled with unfamiliar guests. He let out half a gurgle when he took in my radiant figure lighting up his dour cabin. And then another when he saw the thoroughly mesmerised mermaid.
He blinked, shaking away the last of his stupor. Not quite the sight of him falling to his knees in relief. But there was still time.
“Roxelle?” he said in disbelief.
I gave him a querying tilt of my head.
“Who?”
“My ex-wife.”
He pointed at the mermaid. The one now dribbling onto his desk.
A moment of silence fell upon the cabin.
And then–I instantly turned and exited the cabin, rescuing what I could of my sanity.
Behind me, the sound of laughter emanated from my future handmaiden as mercilessly as the squawking of gulls.
Truly. I could not wait to be done with this. The only ray of redemption was that my destination was just ahead.
How did I know this?
Because I was officially done with the sea! And to be rid of it, I would either sail this ship myself or swim the rest of the way! … Or at least be ferried by something more seaworthy than a floating barrel!
Why … perhaps even a gargantuan creature of legends with more swimming appendages than galleons had masts?
After all–
If I could charm a mermaid, then I had no doubt I could also charm a kraken!
Despite my impressive 20 metre swimming certificate, I did not count swimming amongst my favoured hobbies.
Such a revelation often caused visitors to query the certificate placed prominently on its own display in the Royal Villa, their heads tilted in puzzlement as they hid their shock and amazement with a veneer of polite confusion.
Indeed, the fact I was able to achieve such a feat was testimony to my natural talents and not my likes.
None admired this fair kingdom more than I. As a proud princess, I desired little else than to remain with my feet firmly upon its soft grass. And sometimes my back as well, weather permitting.
This entire endeavour, therefore, was a tragic premonition of things to come.
Once the royal yacht was repaired … or rather, built, I expected I’d be hauled off to some ghastly court in some minor foreign realm to play at diplomacy and headhunt a few maids while I was there.
Prospects which caused my tummy to lurch more than the careening of this ship ever could.
To be poached to places far and wide, tasked with the job of rolling my eyes at the politics of our neighbours while roundly dismissing their cuisine before I even tried it …
Yes, indeed–it was the epitome of drudgery!
The sort of task my siblings would agree to!
I refused to consider it. Indeed, until that terrible day they all found themselves busy and my hiding spot as I clutched at my windowsill was discovered, to be aboard a ship was an experience I wished to suffer as little as possible.
Especially as it was only upon one that I would suffer the ultimate insult.
Before me, the mermaid giggled with simple joy to herself as she focused her full attention on rummaging through the chest.
Ignoring my royal station, she casually flicked her fin akin to a child unable to sit still.
I … I was appalled!
Nobody ignored me! I ignored them!
“H-How dare you turn your back to me!” I said, furiously waving my sword for good measure. The shadows cast by Starlight Grace danced wildly around the cabin. “Do you not know who I am?!”
“Nope.”
“Wha–?!”
The … The scandal!
Even masterfully incognito, she should have been able to see my rich attire and high standing! It wasn’t eyes this siren lacked, after all, but legs!
“I’m a person of extreme importance! To ignore me as though I were some complaining peasant is a travesty! Do you not sense the refined aura worthy of eternal vassalage seeping from my pores?!”
The mermaid paused, glancing over her shoulder. Her silvery eyes swept over me.
“Nope,” she said, returning to the chest.
My mouth opened wide as her rejection cannonballed deep into my fragile heart.
I swayed momentarily, clutching the invisible wound to my chest.
Behind me, Coppelia was … well, she was making no show of being ready to catch me! In fact, she looked like she was hiding her laughter. But that’s fine!
Because I could see through the ruse of my future handmaiden as easily as I did the false bravado of this terrified siren!
“Oho … ohoho … ohohoho … v-very well! I see what this is.”
“Hm?”
“Your valour in the face of certain demise is impressive … too impressive! You’ve given your true heart away. By refusing the decency to even face me while speaking, you admit your terror before my righteous bearing and very sharp sword in my hand!”
Indeed, was this not a common ploy amongst the weak?
Just as the noble girls at my mandatory tea parties feigned disinterest when I boasted of my latest poetry anthology, so too did denizens of the sea pretend not to be awestruck by my very presence!
“You lot always have swords in your hands. Look. Even he does.”
The mermaid casually flicked her head towards the captain, his cutlass remaining like an accessory on a statue. To my ire, this maiden’s wonderfully voluminous red hair fluttered like a curtain with that single movement.
“E-Excuse me! This is no common sword. Its edge is so fine that it can cut an unsatisfactory marzipan truffle back into its constituent ingredients!”
Indeed, Starlight Grace was more than a portable candle!
It was a tool to ensure that the new kitchen hires would lack neither ingredients nor just cause to cease their hands until my satisfaction was met. Even now, their tears should be reflected upon its pure blade!
However, rather than paling before its shine–
“Hmmm … definitely not this one.”
The mermaid tossed a goblet behind her shoulder.
I ducked as it flew past my head. Outrage burned in my soul. And then I saw the copper handle and reluctantly nodded instead.
Certain standards needed to be maintained … as did the rule of law.
“I did not think the Kingdom Beneath The Sea to be as flippant as your fins, mermaid. Decrees have been signed both above and below. No denizen of your realm is permitted to harm those who have not strayed into your realm. And last I recall, that is significantly more than a night’s sail from Trierport. This is a most serious breach of the accords.”
Yes.
A truly egregious action had been committed. And as a princess, I could not allow it to go without reply.
Why, my great-great-great-great grandmother herself had swum to the bottom of the Emerald Sea, helping to write the famed treaties that’d severed centuries of hostilities between the denizens of the sea and the brave captains merely wishing to exploit it for its bountiful resources.
Indeed, it was from her that I’d inherited my ability to swim 20 metres!
For her memory, I would not allow this challenge to go unanswered, no matter what trifling excuse I heard! Even should the very depths rise in wrath and ruin, the dignity of my kingdom would prove superior!
“Don’t get your fins in a twist. None of you has been hurt.”
“A bewitchment charm is no child’s trickery, mermaid. This is an underhanded attack, and not the only misdeed you commit. Even as I speak, you boldly rob a chest which I’ve yet to have audited.”
The mermaid stopped, finally turning around.
Neither the puff of her cheeks, nor her crossed arms earned any favours from me. Only one person ever showed this much impertinence. And she was already beside me.
I could not handle one Coppelia, let alone two.
“This isn’t robbing, I’ll have you know. The stuff’s already mine.”
“Pretend that I’m raising my eyebrow. Because that response fails to merit the effort. You are clearly robbing this ship of its wealth after befuddling its crew.”
“No, I’m clearly collecting what’s mine.”
“Really now, while I’ve no doubt their willingness to pilfer when trade proves the harder task, I must point to the natural buoyancy of ogres. There is not a single member of this crew who could burgle from a mermaid.”
“Not burgled. Just stolen. This is my endowment.”
I blinked, now very much hearing something worthy of a raised eyebrow.
“Excuse me?”
“We’re divorced.”
“Who?”
The mermaid pointed at herself–and then at the ogre beside us.
I looked at Captain Talrik and regarded his gormless expression, now complete with a line of dribble.
“You’re joking,” I said plainly.
“No,” replied the mermaid seriously. “Our lives went separate ways. And so did my endowment, apparently. He owes me the equivalent of half his wealth. I don’t want the ship. So trinkets it is.”
She thumbed behind her at the chest, overflowing even with coins and jewellery already spilled upon the floor.
I only continued to feel appalled, but now for wholly separate reasons.
“Excuse me? Are you … Are you claiming that you married an ogre?”
“Yes? Why not?”
The mermaid’s eyes narrowed as she awaited my response. And for the first time, I found myself caught flat footed by a question.
An ogre … and a mermaid?!
How did … but the practicalities of that were … hmmmm?!
O-Of course, it wasn’t my place to speculate … to cast doubt on the affections of others was the epitome of uncouthness …
But even so!
Wasn’t this simply too unheard of?!
“Anyway, I’m not here to break any treaties or whatever,” said the mermaid, returning to the chest with another glorious flick of her hair. “I’m just getting my stuff and leaving. This just about covers what I’m owed, but I’m not even going to take everything. Just a family trinket. And maybe a few tiaras. And a necklace or two. I’ll be gone in a splash.”
I almost found her blasé as insulting as the belief that I would unquestionably stand by and watch as a mermaid ransacked the ship I was on.
First it would be trinkets. Next it would be the rudder.
Frankly, I hadn’t a single care for the domestic disputes of commoners, finned or otherwise. I served a higher purpose. One which demanded expediency above all else, for I raced to save my very kingdom! And I would not see it jeopardised for any reason!
Besides, that she believed I’d contemplate accepting her highly unorthodox story at face value was a scandal! … And it wasn’t because I was close-minded! No, not at all!
On the contrary, I, whose every experience of romance was gleaned exclusively from the pulpy pages of bottom-shelf literature, was a sage of all things love! And right now, my honed intuition was telling me not a single ember existed between these two!
Yes, there was no doubt about it.
I was being led astray.
Why, it was almost as if … as if she knew she had the voice of a siren!
“Excuse me.” I narrowed my eyes at the back of her head. “As unseemly as it is for me to interrupt your seizure of owed effects, I do have a question I need to ask.”
“Hm?”
The mermaid tilted her head without bothering to glance around. A bracelet flew past my head. Silver, this time. And inlaid with … jade? No. Green agate. My princess senses could spot the imitation with my nose. The smell of the lowest rung of wealth.
Once again, I nodded.
And then I pointed at the stupefied ogre beside us.
“What is his name?”
“Huh?”
The mermaid stopped, a heavy ornate amulet made of stone clutched in her hands as she looked up. She turned to Captain Talrik, her silvery eyes blinking at the large ogre as though only seeing him for the first time.
“This ogre,” I said simply. “Your former husband. What is his name?”
A long moment of silence passed.
“Desmond?” asked the mermaid hopefully.
I smiled.
And then, I raised my sword.
“Ohohoho … it appears I cannot permit your looting today, siren.”
To my chagrin, the customary look of despair failed to materialise.
The mermaid instead gave a non-committal shrug, before offering a flick of that disgustingly pristine hair in defiance of the fact it was constantly submerged in water.
Then, she smiled.
“Actually, I believe that you can .”
Her voice switched to a sonorous hum.
In that moment, I was instantly swept away with emotions I never knew I could experience outside of my beloved orchard.
Without warning, I felt a wave of dulcet tones wash over me, soothing my worries like the sound of a light drizzle pattering against my bedroom windows.
Here was a hum worthy of standing upon the broad stage of the Royal Arc Theatre. The depth of a contralto with the magic of a gifted soprano. A voice that was an orchestra within itself, filled with a harmony as natural as songbirds in the woods.
Truly, hers was a voice which could not be described by the faux poetry of any critic.
Nor did it deserve to be.
Because this mermaid … was a complete fraud.
“One,” I declared.
The mermaid blinked at me with her wide eyes, leaning back as she recoiled with shock.
“Excuse me?”
“One,” I repeated. “Out of ten. Blood is not seeping from my ears, only my soul. I therefore begrudgingly offer a single point for the feat of emitting noise. My congratulations.”
The mermaid’s mouth fell open. Only then did I see the fangs.
“One … out of ten?! That’s outrageous!”
“The only outrageous thing here is that you believe I’m at the level of sailors whose mastery of song extends to whatever is bellowed in the back of rowdy taverns. Do not underestimate me. I’ve been throwing rotten banana peels at the finest songstresses since I could reasonably aim. And you are not one of them.”
“I … I was the head mermaid for my shoal choir! Consecutively!”
“Then perhaps you should endeavour to secure the role again, since to be head of the first fully deaf mermaid choir must be quite the feat. No, do not believe for a single moment that you are the first imposter I’ve witnessed attempt to charm me with the power of magic. I can hear it woven into the notes like the sobbing of terrified servants as they flitter amongst a royal gathering. A petty trick more suitable to a circus ring than a theatre stage.”
Why, with magic, I too could elevate my singing voice to resonate with the heavens!
Were I anything less than a dignified princess, I would have long ordered a mage to cast a spell on my diaphragm than to have suffered the hours it took for me to stop breaking glass!
How dare this mermaid insult the sacrifice of so many stained windows!
For a moment, she simply appeared stunned, her expression an amalgamation of misplaced outrage and, yes … tacit embarrassment!
“Hehehe …”
It lasted only a moment.
Breaking into a giggle, she allowed her shoulders to fall as she assumed a sweet smile, all traces of that vexation swept aside like an ebbing tide.
“Oh, how amusing it is to be insulted by a little girl with too much stock in her own worth. A shame you lack fins. For all your brattishness, it’ll do little to help outswim a kraken.”
She held up the small amulet in her hand, her mischief somehow reflected in the grain.
“See this? A warding amulet. It’s not fire and arrows which keep these ogres safe. But magic. There are so many ways I could do away with this foul stench which plagues my nose, but why be wasteful? Even the greatest of us need to eat. And the one below is so very hungry.”
Hmmmmmmm.
Very well. This one met the minimum threshold for the raised eyebrow.
Just.
I began to judge which part of the wall deserved a newly made exit the most. It was likely the painting of a fruit bowl. A work only marginally more interesting than whatever contrived reason a mermaid had to burgle a ship just to have it sunk by a sea monster.
But then again, making a hole would also invite Coppelia’s laughter … and likely also a genuine belief that destruction of property was normal to me.
Ugh. I could practically feel my delicate image waning in my future handmaiden’s eyes. Saving the kingdom or not, making holes in walls was the role of hooligans, not princesses.
No … for this singer of mischief, I had a far more suitable reprisal in mind.
“So charity is your design,” I said. “And yet I’m afraid I’ve no wish to be swallowed by anything other than my bed. You shall have to offer something far less appetising.”
The mermaid giggled again. This time, no magic was wrapped around the sound. It was cold and biting as the furthest sea.
“I believe I shall offer this hunk of rotting wood and all who reside upon it. Yourself included. For all your slander, you are still pitifully mistaken. Because you see–”
The mermaid’s expression softened.
Then, all I saw was the image of a maiden as innocent as a lamb frolicking in the meadows.
“–there are more ways to charm than merely one’s voice.”
Magic more powerful than even her words reached out to gently brush at me, painting the edge of my vision into a warm and peaceful blur.
I nodded in agreement.
“Yes, there is … why, I see it in the mirror each morning.”
And then, leaning slightly forwards–
I performed a smile of my own.
The mermaid instantly stumbled, despite not having legs.
Ohhohohohohohohoho!
Here it was! My ultimate ability!
[Princess Charm]
A ruthless technique to fell even the hearts of golems!
Because this … this was not the smile of a princess at a royal function!
It was the smile of a princess in the comfort of her own room!
Here it was! The ultimate dream of moronic heroes, farm boys and knights everywhere! To witness the rumoured gap between a princess’s public persona and her true self!
Smiling as though I were at last returned to my bedroom, I allowed the longed for chasm in appearance to manifest! No longer the regal, wise princess of everyone’s knowledge, I placed down my tiara and became but an innocent maiden rolling about in her bed!
There was only one drawback.
It was disgustingly embarrassing.
Here was a move so profoundly painful to my dignity that even to use it to stave off bodily demise, my pride would still meet death. I had sworn never to use it.
But against the charms of a mermaid, this was more than mere defence.
Why, it was a lesson!
Ohhohohohohohohohohoho!
“Now, behold and learn! Compared to your mockery of bewitchment, I do not require magic to cover my shortfalls. As the fairest of them all, my natural charms and affectionate smile captures the hearts of all who gaze upon me!”
I waited for a response. The weeping tears. The cry of surrender as she fell to her … well, she had no knees, but whatever was equivalent!
The mermaid said nothing.
She instead peered silently at me, her silvery eyes hardening like minerals cast from the sea as her own smile paled against the superior power.
And then–a clear dribble ran down from the corner of her lips.
I retreated immediately, utterly alarmed.
All of a sudden, the sanguine mermaid was gone, replaced by a slobbering mess. It was disgraceful. A look of utter impropriety as unseemly as a shortcake without a strawberry.
Seeing the overwhelming strength of my charm attack, I could only be mortified at the destruction I’d caused to my foe’s public image!
Why, she’d only attempted to have me eaten by a kraken! This was too much!
I’d just turned a mermaid into a gormless, drooling, slack jawed ogre!
“Huh … ? Where was … Why am I … ?”
Yes!
Just like this one!
Released from the siren’s spell, the ogre snapped into waking consciousness.
As though driven by instinct, the grip on his cutlass hardened even before his eyes regarded the scene around him. At his familiar abode, now filled with unfamiliar guests. He let out half a gurgle when he took in my radiant figure lighting up his dour cabin. And then another when he saw the thoroughly mesmerised mermaid.
He blinked, shaking away the last of his stupor. Not quite the sight of him falling to his knees in relief. But there was still time.
“Roxelle?” he said in disbelief.
I gave him a querying tilt of my head.
“Who?”
“My ex-wife.”
He pointed at the mermaid. The one now dribbling onto his desk.
A moment of silence fell upon the cabin.
And then–I instantly turned and exited the cabin, rescuing what I could of my sanity.
Behind me, the sound of laughter emanated from my future handmaiden as mercilessly as the squawking of gulls.
Truly. I could not wait to be done with this. The only ray of redemption was that my destination was just ahead.
How did I know this?
Because I was officially done with the sea! And to be rid of it, I would either sail this ship myself or swim the rest of the way! … Or at least be ferried by something more seaworthy than a floating barrel!
Why … perhaps even a gargantuan creature of legends with more swimming appendages than galleons had masts?
After all–
If I could charm a mermaid, then I had no doubt I could also charm a kraken!
