Bright sunlight shone through the window. Chirping birds, cool weather, and a blue sky with a few clouds floating around created a peaceful atmosphere.
But Cadel, freshly awake, could not enjoy that peace. His hair was matted with sweat and his face was white. A chill ran down his spine, and he was shivering as if he’d had a long nightmare.
He exhaled a long breath and wiped his forehead.
How should he look at Van now?
「“There really is nothing Commander can’t accomplish.”」
What on earth did Van feel like when he said that? The more Cadel thought about it, the more the guilt grew.
Would it have been better not to peek into the past? It was so painful that Cadel had such cowardly thoughts. However, Van would have suffered dozens of times more than he did. It would be so horrible that it would take your breath away.
Eventually, Cadel kicked the bed and got up. It was better to bang his head on the floor and apologize than to sit still and suffer alone.
Determined, Cadel heads to Van’s room next door. Forgetting to knock, he swung the door open and saw.
“Commander…?”
A man stands with his arms outstretched, and a tailor measures his waist with a measuring tape. And there were servants waiting behind them holding cloths.
Excitedly opening the door, Cadel froze as he was confronted with the unexpected situation. There was a brief silence in the room. Cadel coughed, trying to pretend it wasn’t awkward, and then spoke as naturally as he could.
“I’m sorry, but I have an urgent matter to discuss. Would you mind giving us a moment?”
“Well, that’s a good thing, because I was about to get annoyed. They’ve been here all morning taking measurements for some kind of uniform. By the way, what do you want to talk about so urgently, Commander?”
Van naturally dragged the chair and sat Cadel opposite him. Cadel sat down and smothered his lips with a complicated heart.
Van didn’t know Cadel had been peeking into his past. He would never know, and Cadel didn’t intend to tell him.
So how should he bring up the story? Cadel had a mountain of things he was sorry for, but he couldn’t really explain why he was sorry for them.
The impulsive nature of the visit made it difficult to strike up a conversation, leaving Cadel to stare helplessly at Van’s straight legs on the bed across from him.
“……Am I the problem?”
It was Van who broke the brief silence. Normally he would wait forever for Cadel to speak first, but this time he smiled bitterly, as if he knew why. When he met Cadel’s gaze, Van lowered his eyes in embarrassment.
“I kept going outside. The tailor who came a little while ago was also complaining that time was tight. Is there a problem with the schedule because of me?”
“It’s not like that.”
“It’s okay, Commander. I just did it because I was bored. If wandering around is a problem, I’ll quietly.…….”
“Don’t you hate me?”
It’s okay. Van used to say that all the time. It’s okay to be sick, it’s okay to be hungry, it’s okay to die soon.
Knowing that the damned word was the shackle that had bound Van throughout his childhood, Cadel opened his mouth, unable to contain himself.
That one word wiped the smile off Van’s face, and he narrowed his brow as if he’d heard something he couldn’t quite believe, then spoke cautiously.
“What are you talking about all of a sudden?”
“When you first came with me, you never would have imagined that things would turn out this way. I know very well that you hate nobles, but my greed brought you back to the Empire. Because of me, you’re forced to work for the Emperor and constantly clash with nobles. ……I understand if you resent me.”
Cadel understood if Van resented and hated him, and he was willing to embrace those dark feelings if that was what it took to make Van feel better.
But Cadel couldn’t bring himself to say ‘If it’s too much for you, leave my side’. He wanted to hold on to Van, even if it was out of greed. He felt surprisingly stubborn, wondering how selfish he had been.
“How can I blame Commander?”
A dry voice. At the sound of Van’s weary voice, which he had never heard before, Cadel’s eyes fluttered slightly as he pressed his fingertips to his face.
“I can’t do that.”
Slowly, he raised himself to his feet and stepped in front of Cadel. Kneeling on the floor, he reached for Cadel’s sweaty hand. Rough, masculine hands closed over the back of his hand, caressing it gently.
“Do you remember the day we first met? If Commander hadn’t saved me that day, I would have already been dead. Since I didn’t have any regrets about life, I certainly would have been a dead man walking.”
It was a careful touch, like handling a fragile object. Cadel looked at Van, feeling the warmth soothe him.
The current Van has grown significantly compared to before, but for some reason, Cadel kept seeing echoes of the past in him.
“But Commander saved my life, and you made me feel so many emotions that the dead will never be allowed to feel. You’ll never know how much you have taught me, how much you have given me, so that’s why I can think like that.”
“I…….”
“It is true that it is a little difficult. Because I don’t like it. But there’s nothing I can’t get used to because I’m here with Commander and no one else.”
Van lifted his head and stared straight at Cadel, his golden eyes warm and bright, like the eyes of the young boy who had left the cabin.
“Walk only looking ahead. I will always be behind you, so you can walk without worrying about anything.”
Cadel wanted to tell Van he was sorry for picking at his wounds and dragging him back into the muck to save himself. He wanted to apologize from the bottom of his heart and tell Van to trust him to be the person he could count on.
‘But what is this?’
Cadel tried desperately to figure out what to do with his overwhelming emotions. He bit his lip and took a shaky breath, unable to come to a conclusion.
“Why behind me? Walk beside me. Walk side by side.”
Despite the rasp in his voice from holding back his tears, Van let out an affectionate laugh. Good, because there was no shadow to be found on Van’s face as he spoke. Cadel chewed and swallowed his dark penance, vowing to be Van’s solid windbreak.
Bright sunlight shone through the window. Chirping birds, cool weather, and a blue sky with a few clouds floating around created a peaceful atmosphere.
But Cadel, freshly awake, could not enjoy that peace. His hair was matted with sweat and his face was white. A chill ran down his spine, and he was shivering as if he’d had a long nightmare.
He exhaled a long breath and wiped his forehead.
How should he look at Van now?
「“There really is nothing Commander can’t accomplish.”」
What on earth did Van feel like when he said that? The more Cadel thought about it, the more the guilt grew.
Would it have been better not to peek into the past? It was so painful that Cadel had such cowardly thoughts. However, Van would have suffered dozens of times more than he did. It would be so horrible that it would take your breath away.
Eventually, Cadel kicked the bed and got up. It was better to bang his head on the floor and apologize than to sit still and suffer alone.
Determined, Cadel heads to Van’s room next door. Forgetting to knock, he swung the door open and saw.
“Commander…?”
A man stands with his arms outstretched, and a tailor measures his waist with a measuring tape. And there were servants waiting behind them holding cloths.
Excitedly opening the door, Cadel froze as he was confronted with the unexpected situation. There was a brief silence in the room. Cadel coughed, trying to pretend it wasn’t awkward, and then spoke as naturally as he could.
“I’m sorry, but I have an urgent matter to discuss. Would you mind giving us a moment?”
“Well, that’s a good thing, because I was about to get annoyed. They’ve been here all morning taking measurements for some kind of uniform. By the way, what do you want to talk about so urgently, Commander?”
Van naturally dragged the chair and sat Cadel opposite him. Cadel sat down and smothered his lips with a complicated heart.
Van didn’t know Cadel had been peeking into his past. He would never know, and Cadel didn’t intend to tell him.
So how should he bring up the story? Cadel had a mountain of things he was sorry for, but he couldn’t really explain why he was sorry for them.
The impulsive nature of the visit made it difficult to strike up a conversation, leaving Cadel to stare helplessly at Van’s straight legs on the bed across from him.
“……Am I the problem?”
It was Van who broke the brief silence. Normally he would wait forever for Cadel to speak first, but this time he smiled bitterly, as if he knew why. When he met Cadel’s gaze, Van lowered his eyes in embarrassment.
“I kept going outside. The tailor who came a little while ago was also complaining that time was tight. Is there a problem with the schedule because of me?”
“It’s not like that.”
“It’s okay, Commander. I just did it because I was bored. If wandering around is a problem, I’ll quietly.…….”
“Don’t you hate me?”
It’s okay. Van used to say that all the time. It’s okay to be sick, it’s okay to be hungry, it’s okay to die soon.
Knowing that the damned word was the shackle that had bound Van throughout his childhood, Cadel opened his mouth, unable to contain himself.
That one word wiped the smile off Van’s face, and he narrowed his brow as if he’d heard something he couldn’t quite believe, then spoke cautiously.
“What are you talking about all of a sudden?”
“When you first came with me, you never would have imagined that things would turn out this way. I know very well that you hate nobles, but my greed brought you back to the Empire. Because of me, you’re forced to work for the Emperor and constantly clash with nobles. ……I understand if you resent me.”
Cadel understood if Van resented and hated him, and he was willing to embrace those dark feelings if that was what it took to make Van feel better.
But Cadel couldn’t bring himself to say ‘If it’s too much for you, leave my side’. He wanted to hold on to Van, even if it was out of greed. He felt surprisingly stubborn, wondering how selfish he had been.
“How can I blame Commander?”
A dry voice. At the sound of Van’s weary voice, which he had never heard before, Cadel’s eyes fluttered slightly as he pressed his fingertips to his face.
“I can’t do that.”
Slowly, he raised himself to his feet and stepped in front of Cadel. Kneeling on the floor, he reached for Cadel’s sweaty hand. Rough, masculine hands closed over the back of his hand, caressing it gently.
“Do you remember the day we first met? If Commander hadn’t saved me that day, I would have already been dead. Since I didn’t have any regrets about life, I certainly would have been a dead man walking.”
It was a careful touch, like handling a fragile object. Cadel looked at Van, feeling the warmth soothe him.
The current Van has grown significantly compared to before, but for some reason, Cadel kept seeing echoes of the past in him.
“But Commander saved my life, and you made me feel so many emotions that the dead will never be allowed to feel. You’ll never know how much you have taught me, how much you have given me, so that’s why I can think like that.”
“I…….”
“It is true that it is a little difficult. Because I don’t like it. But there’s nothing I can’t get used to because I’m here with Commander and no one else.”
Van lifted his head and stared straight at Cadel, his golden eyes warm and bright, like the eyes of the young boy who had left the cabin.
“Walk only looking ahead. I will always be behind you, so you can walk without worrying about anything.”
Cadel wanted to tell Van he was sorry for picking at his wounds and dragging him back into the muck to save himself. He wanted to apologize from the bottom of his heart and tell Van to trust him to be the person he could count on.
‘But what is this?’
Cadel tried desperately to figure out what to do with his overwhelming emotions. He bit his lip and took a shaky breath, unable to come to a conclusion.
“Why behind me? Walk beside me. Walk side by side.”
Despite the rasp in his voice from holding back his tears, Van let out an affectionate laugh. Good, because there was no shadow to be found on Van’s face as he spoke. Cadel chewed and swallowed his dark penance, vowing to be Van’s solid windbreak.
