Garuel glanced at Cadel, who sat across from him. The man who had been gulping down the stolen alcohol was now frowning and clearing his throat.
“You said you wanted to talk soberly.”
“Now that Sir has already had a drink, I’m going to get a little drunk myself.”
“That’s poisonous.”
“I know, because I just drank it.”
Placing the empty flask on the table, Cadel cleared his throat.
Garuel wondered what he was thinking. Cadel said he wanted to bring him into his faction, so maybe he was preparing to persuade Garuel. No matter what he said, Garuel had no intention of using this foul power, but he was curious nonetheless. What ideas would come out of that little head?
“Sir Garuel, why do you abhor that power?”
He was disappointed from the first word. Garuel laughed softly and leaned against the backrest.
“Because there’s no reason not to hate it. I’m a holy knight, in case you’ve forgotten from my debauchery. Serving the will of the gods, slaying the evils of the world. ……But it turned out that the evil that needed to be punished was myself. I was pursuing evil while embracing it.”
It was ridiculous, and downright miserable.
“For the first time, I resented the God I had worshiped my whole life. If He was looking down on me when I first pledged my chastity, why didn’t He stop me? Why didn’t He wake me up to my ignorance, why did He allow the world to be…… deceived for so long?”
As if recalling the injustice of that day, Garuel kept his mouth shut and glared at the empty alcohol flask. However, the anger did not last long, and soon a fake smile covered his stiff face. The raised corners of his mouth drew a perfect curve as if drawn.
“Since I was a corrupt person from the beginning, I dared to blame God. But now I know. The root of the problem is me. My life was wrong from the beginning, from the moment I was born, born with this foul power.”
“No human is born a sinner.”
“Why not? It’s right in front of your eyes.”
Cadel’s expression darkened as Garuel pointed to himself with an exaggerated gesture. He looked like he wanted to say something nice, but Garuel had no intention of accepting the favor.
“I wanted to make sure the end was right because the beginning was wrong. To make amends for the past that deceived everyone, to put things right. To erase every trace of my existence in the world. That is the only ending allowed to my life.”
“……Do you think you should die? That’s the right thing to do?”
“I think that’s atonement.”
Cadel slowly pulled his hands off the table. His breathing was low, his body tense. An indescribable emotion flashed across his shadowed face.
Did Cadel even sympathize with him? Since Garuel had revealed his true feelings to this extent, he hoped that Cadel would just give up. He had decided his end a long time ago. It was an end that not even God could change.
“……That’s strange.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m angry. When I listen to Sir’s story, I feel strangely angry. I’ve never felt this emotional about someone else’s story.”
Cadel raised his lowered gaze to meet Garuel’s. His gray eyes, which had changed color, reflected the questioning expression on Garuel’s face.
“Who sets the standards for good and evil that Sir is talking about? Is it just your own judgment?”
“That…….”
“I guess so. There is nothing more ambiguous than the standards of good and evil. There is no perfect darkness or perfect light in the world. Even evil people can do good things, and good people can do evil things. There is no such thing as consistent good and evil for everyone.”
“……That’s a funny thing to say.”
“It’s not as fun as labeling yourself as evil.”
Cadel seemed genuinely angry. It was unclear what he was upset about, though, and that puzzled Garuel. He couldn’t figure out what Cadel was so intensely emotional about.
“Why are you making yourself so unhappy? Why are you trying to convince yourself that all the good you’ve done, all the good you’ve been giving, is a deception? What do you gain by doing that? Sense of shame? What do you get out of that?”
“Your words are getting rougher—”
“Do you think your life is so wrong that your only atonement is death? Because you have demon blood? You’ve never killed a person with that power before. You’ve used that power to save and protect others.”
“Don’t talk like you know me.”
“At least I know Sir is on the verge of falling apart.”
Cadel bit his lip impatiently. His ragged breathing drifted through the silent room, and he looked away in anger, muttering in a voice that sounded strained and weak.
“Somebody is struggling desperately to survive.”
Garuel, who could not understand the small voice, asked back, but instead of repeating himself, Cadel asked a new question.
“Let’s say Sir Modeleine has this demonic power and is caught hiding that fact. So are you going to label him an evil man?”
“…….”
“You shouldn’t have been born, so atone for it with your death, is that what you’re going to say?”
Garuel’s jaw dropped at the thought of something he’d never imagined. He couldn’t bring himself to say ‘I would have done that’. Cadel gave a small shake of his head as if he had anticipated the silence.
“Why do you say things to yourself that you wouldn’t say to others? Sir would rather blame your parents for giving birth to you like that? Is it your father or your mother? Who’s mixed with demon blood?”
“……I don’t know. They both passed away early.”
“Then you can pick anyone and blame them. Lean on resentment and live at least.”
“There’s no reason to live like that—”
“There is.”
The corners of Garuel’s mouth twitched at the stern words. He tilted his head at an angle to hide the unsteady tremor in his eyes, as if he didn’t know what expression to wear.
“You have to live to prove it. Even though they gave birth to you like this, you still lived the right life. The power that drove countless people to their deaths saved countless people. So there was nothing wrong with your life, and you were fortunate to have been born.”
“…….”
“This means don’t give up.”
Garuel felt surprised at the earnest voice he heard. He never thought there would be someone who wanted so passionately for the lives of others. He had never imagined or expected such one-sided support. Who would have thought that a man he’d only met a few times would be screaming for him to live?
“……Is it because it would be a waste for me to die? Do you want to somehow keep me alive and keep me as your subordinate?”
“I don’t like death-minded people, pessimistic people, depressed people, so if I were to bring in Sir right now, I don’t think I’d be too happy about it.”
Then why. Garuel’s tired gaze asked, and Cadel answered.
“If Sir is evil, then I am also evil.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“If it’s deception, I’ve had enough of it. I lied and cheated very well. But have I done enough good deeds to make up for it? Not really. According to Sir’s logic, I am also a terrible evil, so what should I do if you die just like that? I have no intention of dying. That’s…… really the worst.”
As if realizing the absurdity of his own words, a new chuckle escaped Cadel’s twisted lips.
“I have thought of many compliments, consolations, and encouragement that Sir might like. I wanted to take good care of you and coax you out. ……I’ve forgotten all about it.”
Cadel lowered his head with a soft sigh. In his helpless mood, Garuel quietly touched his left eyelid.
When the Evil Eye first revealed its existence. When he realized that this was his power, he froze as if he were dead in the overflowing demonic energy. When the eyeball that has been dug out repeatedly regenerated thirteen times. He vowed his death several times. He found no reason to live anywhere, and it was a sin just to breathe.
To the subordinates who trusted him, to the people who praised him. His life had repaid their favors with deceit. He feared the betrayal his accusers would feel, more than he feared the accusations that would come when the truth was revealed.
“……There was no way I could stay alive. The only way for everyone to be happy was for me to disappear. That’s the way it is now. It will always be the same.”
“……Let’s trade secrets.”
“Secret?”
“I know about the Evil Eye, so I’ll let Sir in on a little secret of mine.”
Cadel lowered his tilted head and smiled slightly. It was a soft smile, but Garuel could feel the heavy weariness in it.
“I’m not kidding, so take this seriously.”
“I’ll try.”
“I’m living a life with a set end. A life that is not of my own making, not of my own will.”
“……Are you dying or something?”
“That’s wrong. Rather, it is an opportunity.”
A small smile crossed Cadel’s face, an ethereal expression. It was neither happy nor sad, but a complex mix of emotions piled on top of each other, weighing him down.
“I’ll live a proud life, a life I don’t deserve, and while I’m living it, I’ll be steady and follow the right path.”
“……What’s the destination?”
“Well, it’s kind of funny to say…… the ultimate hero, right? But I don’t know how else to put it, I’m going to be a virtuous man, shining so brightly you can’t find a shadow anywhere, and that’s how my life is going to end.”
A virtuous man who shone very brightly. Wasn’t this a truly enviable life? Garuel nodded quietly. And in front of him, Cadel showed all his sincerity.
“So follow me. I will prove to you that your life is not wrong, so let’s walk the same path as me.”
Garuel’s brow creased at the unexpected comment. Facing him, Cadel’s face was as serious as ever, showing no sign of playfulness or jest. He was acting like a man who truly believed in his end.
“……In the end, isn’t it about becoming your man?”
“There’s no one in this world with a destiny as bright as mine, and you’ll never get lost. So don’t die, let’s walk together. I’m glad we were both alive at the end of it, let’s do it.”
Listening to Cadel’s secrets didn’t mean Garuel believed every word he said, but he still felt a strange tightness in his chest. Maybe it was the sweetness in Cadel’s eyes as he looked at him. Or maybe it was because of the face of Cadel who said that was particularly pretty. Maybe it was because the way he reached out to Garuel’s muddy life seemed like the salvation he’d been looking for.
“I would like to add this in case you misunderstand, but this is not a suggestion, but a request. Next is your turn to beg, so if you’re curious about what it’ll look like, give it a try.”
Garuel suddenly became curious. Why did a person who was said to have such a bright destiny seem so desperate? Why did he act like he was carrying a heavier burden than anyone else? If Garuel took a short walk together with him, would we be able to understand the reason?
“……I’m starting to feel unfair now. What the hell are you, always wanting to make me fall apart like this?”
If his secret could save Garuel, he had nothing more to wish for. But if not, just for a little while. Wouldn’t it be nice to stay by the side of this cocky man who was cheering him on?
If, at the end of his life, he could have one person remember his past life, if he could have one person watch the death of a sinner in a matter of minutes, there would be nothing more gratifying than that. It was a sinful greed.
So, for the first time in a long time, Garuel spoke as if praying.
“I’ll live like that once. With the small hope that your light will…… guide me to the right path.”
Garuel glanced at Cadel, who sat across from him. The man who had been gulping down the stolen alcohol was now frowning and clearing his throat.
“You said you wanted to talk soberly.”
“Now that Sir has already had a drink, I’m going to get a little drunk myself.”
“That’s poisonous.”
“I know, because I just drank it.”
Placing the empty flask on the table, Cadel cleared his throat.
Garuel wondered what he was thinking. Cadel said he wanted to bring him into his faction, so maybe he was preparing to persuade Garuel. No matter what he said, Garuel had no intention of using this foul power, but he was curious nonetheless. What ideas would come out of that little head?
“Sir Garuel, why do you abhor that power?”
He was disappointed from the first word. Garuel laughed softly and leaned against the backrest.
“Because there’s no reason not to hate it. I’m a holy knight, in case you’ve forgotten from my debauchery. Serving the will of the gods, slaying the evils of the world. ……But it turned out that the evil that needed to be punished was myself. I was pursuing evil while embracing it.”
It was ridiculous, and downright miserable.
“For the first time, I resented the God I had worshiped my whole life. If He was looking down on me when I first pledged my chastity, why didn’t He stop me? Why didn’t He wake me up to my ignorance, why did He allow the world to be…… deceived for so long?”
As if recalling the injustice of that day, Garuel kept his mouth shut and glared at the empty alcohol flask. However, the anger did not last long, and soon a fake smile covered his stiff face. The raised corners of his mouth drew a perfect curve as if drawn.
“Since I was a corrupt person from the beginning, I dared to blame God. But now I know. The root of the problem is me. My life was wrong from the beginning, from the moment I was born, born with this foul power.”
“No human is born a sinner.”
“Why not? It’s right in front of your eyes.”
Cadel’s expression darkened as Garuel pointed to himself with an exaggerated gesture. He looked like he wanted to say something nice, but Garuel had no intention of accepting the favor.
“I wanted to make sure the end was right because the beginning was wrong. To make amends for the past that deceived everyone, to put things right. To erase every trace of my existence in the world. That is the only ending allowed to my life.”
“……Do you think you should die? That’s the right thing to do?”
“I think that’s atonement.”
Cadel slowly pulled his hands off the table. His breathing was low, his body tense. An indescribable emotion flashed across his shadowed face.
Did Cadel even sympathize with him? Since Garuel had revealed his true feelings to this extent, he hoped that Cadel would just give up. He had decided his end a long time ago. It was an end that not even God could change.
“……That’s strange.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m angry. When I listen to Sir’s story, I feel strangely angry. I’ve never felt this emotional about someone else’s story.”
Cadel raised his lowered gaze to meet Garuel’s. His gray eyes, which had changed color, reflected the questioning expression on Garuel’s face.
“Who sets the standards for good and evil that Sir is talking about? Is it just your own judgment?”
“That…….”
“I guess so. There is nothing more ambiguous than the standards of good and evil. There is no perfect darkness or perfect light in the world. Even evil people can do good things, and good people can do evil things. There is no such thing as consistent good and evil for everyone.”
“……That’s a funny thing to say.”
“It’s not as fun as labeling yourself as evil.”
Cadel seemed genuinely angry. It was unclear what he was upset about, though, and that puzzled Garuel. He couldn’t figure out what Cadel was so intensely emotional about.
“Why are you making yourself so unhappy? Why are you trying to convince yourself that all the good you’ve done, all the good you’ve been giving, is a deception? What do you gain by doing that? Sense of shame? What do you get out of that?”
“Your words are getting rougher—”
“Do you think your life is so wrong that your only atonement is death? Because you have demon blood? You’ve never killed a person with that power before. You’ve used that power to save and protect others.”
“Don’t talk like you know me.”
“At least I know Sir is on the verge of falling apart.”
Cadel bit his lip impatiently. His ragged breathing drifted through the silent room, and he looked away in anger, muttering in a voice that sounded strained and weak.
“Somebody is struggling desperately to survive.”
Garuel, who could not understand the small voice, asked back, but instead of repeating himself, Cadel asked a new question.
“Let’s say Sir Modeleine has this demonic power and is caught hiding that fact. So are you going to label him an evil man?”
“…….”
“You shouldn’t have been born, so atone for it with your death, is that what you’re going to say?”
Garuel’s jaw dropped at the thought of something he’d never imagined. He couldn’t bring himself to say ‘I would have done that’. Cadel gave a small shake of his head as if he had anticipated the silence.
“Why do you say things to yourself that you wouldn’t say to others? Sir would rather blame your parents for giving birth to you like that? Is it your father or your mother? Who’s mixed with demon blood?”
“……I don’t know. They both passed away early.”
“Then you can pick anyone and blame them. Lean on resentment and live at least.”
“There’s no reason to live like that—”
“There is.”
The corners of Garuel’s mouth twitched at the stern words. He tilted his head at an angle to hide the unsteady tremor in his eyes, as if he didn’t know what expression to wear.
“You have to live to prove it. Even though they gave birth to you like this, you still lived the right life. The power that drove countless people to their deaths saved countless people. So there was nothing wrong with your life, and you were fortunate to have been born.”
“…….”
“This means don’t give up.”
Garuel felt surprised at the earnest voice he heard. He never thought there would be someone who wanted so passionately for the lives of others. He had never imagined or expected such one-sided support. Who would have thought that a man he’d only met a few times would be screaming for him to live?
“……Is it because it would be a waste for me to die? Do you want to somehow keep me alive and keep me as your subordinate?”
“I don’t like death-minded people, pessimistic people, depressed people, so if I were to bring in Sir right now, I don’t think I’d be too happy about it.”
Then why. Garuel’s tired gaze asked, and Cadel answered.
“If Sir is evil, then I am also evil.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“If it’s deception, I’ve had enough of it. I lied and cheated very well. But have I done enough good deeds to make up for it? Not really. According to Sir’s logic, I am also a terrible evil, so what should I do if you die just like that? I have no intention of dying. That’s…… really the worst.”
As if realizing the absurdity of his own words, a new chuckle escaped Cadel’s twisted lips.
“I have thought of many compliments, consolations, and encouragement that Sir might like. I wanted to take good care of you and coax you out. ……I’ve forgotten all about it.”
Cadel lowered his head with a soft sigh. In his helpless mood, Garuel quietly touched his left eyelid.
When the Evil Eye first revealed its existence. When he realized that this was his power, he froze as if he were dead in the overflowing demonic energy. When the eyeball that has been dug out repeatedly regenerated thirteen times. He vowed his death several times. He found no reason to live anywhere, and it was a sin just to breathe.
To the subordinates who trusted him, to the people who praised him. His life had repaid their favors with deceit. He feared the betrayal his accusers would feel, more than he feared the accusations that would come when the truth was revealed.
“……There was no way I could stay alive. The only way for everyone to be happy was for me to disappear. That’s the way it is now. It will always be the same.”
“……Let’s trade secrets.”
“Secret?”
“I know about the Evil Eye, so I’ll let Sir in on a little secret of mine.”
Cadel lowered his tilted head and smiled slightly. It was a soft smile, but Garuel could feel the heavy weariness in it.
“I’m not kidding, so take this seriously.”
“I’ll try.”
“I’m living a life with a set end. A life that is not of my own making, not of my own will.”
“……Are you dying or something?”
“That’s wrong. Rather, it is an opportunity.”
A small smile crossed Cadel’s face, an ethereal expression. It was neither happy nor sad, but a complex mix of emotions piled on top of each other, weighing him down.
“I’ll live a proud life, a life I don’t deserve, and while I’m living it, I’ll be steady and follow the right path.”
“……What’s the destination?”
“Well, it’s kind of funny to say…… the ultimate hero, right? But I don’t know how else to put it, I’m going to be a virtuous man, shining so brightly you can’t find a shadow anywhere, and that’s how my life is going to end.”
A virtuous man who shone very brightly. Wasn’t this a truly enviable life? Garuel nodded quietly. And in front of him, Cadel showed all his sincerity.
“So follow me. I will prove to you that your life is not wrong, so let’s walk the same path as me.”
Garuel’s brow creased at the unexpected comment. Facing him, Cadel’s face was as serious as ever, showing no sign of playfulness or jest. He was acting like a man who truly believed in his end.
“……In the end, isn’t it about becoming your man?”
“There’s no one in this world with a destiny as bright as mine, and you’ll never get lost. So don’t die, let’s walk together. I’m glad we were both alive at the end of it, let’s do it.”
Listening to Cadel’s secrets didn’t mean Garuel believed every word he said, but he still felt a strange tightness in his chest. Maybe it was the sweetness in Cadel’s eyes as he looked at him. Or maybe it was because of the face of Cadel who said that was particularly pretty. Maybe it was because the way he reached out to Garuel’s muddy life seemed like the salvation he’d been looking for.
“I would like to add this in case you misunderstand, but this is not a suggestion, but a request. Next is your turn to beg, so if you’re curious about what it’ll look like, give it a try.”
Garuel suddenly became curious. Why did a person who was said to have such a bright destiny seem so desperate? Why did he act like he was carrying a heavier burden than anyone else? If Garuel took a short walk together with him, would we be able to understand the reason?
“……I’m starting to feel unfair now. What the hell are you, always wanting to make me fall apart like this?”
If his secret could save Garuel, he had nothing more to wish for. But if not, just for a little while. Wouldn’t it be nice to stay by the side of this cocky man who was cheering him on?
If, at the end of his life, he could have one person remember his past life, if he could have one person watch the death of a sinner in a matter of minutes, there would be nothing more gratifying than that. It was a sinful greed.
So, for the first time in a long time, Garuel spoke as if praying.
“I’ll live like that once. With the small hope that your light will…… guide me to the right path.”
