After cursing under my breath and incinerating the letter, it crossed my. mind that Sana was still in the room… And had seen everything.
"...Ah. I apologize; the Cardinal delivered some extremely upsetting news."
As far as I could tell, she looked unconvinced. Not that her expression was easy to read. It was as though there was a disconnect there between us, something that hadn't existed a year ago. It would be easy enough to just cite the age difference, but an adult should at least be able to gauge a child's mood. If there was any word for it, then Sana was behaving in a guarded manner.
Well, I can't exactly fault her for it.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you." In an attempt to ease my friends' nerves, I allowed my voice to slip into a more casual tone. It felt weird, almost like the words were foreign to me.
"It's…OK." She answered me.
Well, progress, but she still doesn't look OK to me.
At this point, I began to realize the truth of the matter; there was no way our friendship was going to rekindle. Previously, I had some doubts and the notion that we would have made a strange pair was not lost on me. But still, I'd hoped against hope.
I can try for 'friendly.'
There was no reason we couldn't at least be cordial to each other, and I didn't want her to appear useless to the Cardinal; the jury was still out on if he could be trusted.
I dismissed all of my staff except Sasha in an effort to make Sana more comfortable. By this point, my guards had grown used to being sent away when I only had one or two guests and took up a post outside the door with no complaints.
Granted in their minds, what could a twelve-year-old do? I should introduce them to Rosial, she's nine.
Or not. I liked the ease with which I could be rid of them.
"Sana, I know I don't look like I should, and I know that we live in two different worlds now, but can we still be friends? I'd be sad if you keep hating me."
And now I'm talking to her like she's half her age. Damnit, how am I supposed to interact with her…?
A consequence of skipping that stage of my second childhood, I was finding myself at a general loss for words. Instead of treating her like my peer, I had decided to treat her like a child I was fond of, or perhaps a niece. But all of the children I was close with (Edith and Sarala), were exceptional. Even the younger children who were in my care, such as Felicity and Elienor, had their own quirks making communicating to them a wholly unique experience.
Sana was normal. I had no idea how to communicate with her properly.
If I approached her the same way I would talk to Edith, she would be lost. If I approach her like Rosial, then she'll stay scared. Elienor is the closest, but even she's advanced for her age…
Just as I was stumbling around, trying to figure out the correct approach, Sana answered me.
"I don't… How could I hate you!? The gods have given you a great purpose! If anything, I'm not good enough to be in the same room as you, to breathe the same air, I-" She froze, "...I'm the one who should apologize…."
I shot a look over Sana's shoulder toward Sasha, as my maid was waving to get my attention. As soon as she had it, she made a motion as though she was applying makeup. My eyes drifted until they landed on a mirror, and I was left aghast.
My face was twisted up into a look of disgust. The kind of expression one might make upon discovering a cockroach in their shoe or a dog turd on their bed. And that look had been directed at Sana.
What the hells is wrong with me!?
Replacing the disgusted expression with one aghast, I was quick to apologize, "Sana, I'm so sorry!"
But the damage seemed to have already been done. The girl was now staring meekly at her hands, folded as the were across her lap. Based on the trembling of her lips, she was doing her very best not to start crying. Sometimes, it was best to admit defeat. To retreat, and try again another day.
"Sasha, please arrange for Sana to sleep aboard the Will of the God's. Inform the Cardinal that she became gravelly seasick during departure. Sana, I can't apologize enough, but it is clear that you need time; I will have someone assigned to care for you, and make time in my schedule tomorrow."
For a moment, I feared that things were going to end on that sour note but after a long, pregnant pause, Sana gave a single sharp and quick nod. With what amounted to my farewell having been said, Sasha beckoned Peoni back into the room and passed Sana off to her. Once the girl was gone, I fell back into the small couch.
"What have I done now…?" My question was rhetorical, and my staff were keen enough to pick up on that.
That was entirely beyond me… Damnit! Why didn't [Acting] kick in!? I should have been able to control my facial expressions and body language!
The disgust was real, and there was no denying that. The moment that Sana had begun verbally putting me up on a pedestal, the only thing I had felt was revulsion. It would be a great disservice to my past self and all of my coping through [Cold Hearted] if I were to pretend I had felt anything other than pure disgust. But feeling something and showing it openly were two different things.
Though the degree of my disgust was also extreme, as far as that was concerned, the only thing I could think of was that it had something to do with the source of Sana's inferiority complex.
The church.
My thoughts were beginning to come together now, and I was turning my self-pity outward.
The degree of of my reaction was because of the source. People hold me up all the time. Prodigy. Alchemical Wizard. Genius Mage. Queen. I've heard the whispers, bit the most I've ever felt was mild discomfort, and recently not even that. It has to be the reason behind Sana's words; her faith.
The reason Sana held me in such high regards, and viewed herself so lowly, those were one and the same; her faith in the gods. In Sana's view, I was someone who had been both chosen, and then granted a personal miracle. I was just short of a divine being in my own right. A sort of walking avatar. No wonder she felt the way she did.
But if That's the case, there's no way I'll be able to form any sort of relationship with her. Either as friends or as her guardian. Not unless I'm willing to tear out her faith first.
I might not like the gods very much. In fact, I outright hated them all. But I knew better than to try and force my own opinion on the matter; the divine was fundamentally real here. For the masses, worshiping them had tangible benefits. Besides which, I was not foolhardy. My position as the Rulebreaker could only shield me so far. At the end of the day, if I tried to foment religious dissent, it would be trivial for the gods to remove me or simply negate my efforts.
So I had my answer as to the reason for revulsion, but not how my walls had been breached. Nor for why my mind was now running a circular track. As always, however, it was time that was my enemy.
"My lady." A gentle hand rested itself upon my shoulder, "If you continue, the ships will miss the departure window."
Sasha had allowed me to brood without comment but now she was letting me know that I had used all the time we had.
Right. I'm supposed to meet the captain.
Strangely, Drakas had no such custom requiring the captain of a vessel to greet important passengers when they boarded the ship. Rather, it was tradition for those important persons to see the captain shortly before departure. As far as I could tell, this arose from the danger of sea travel prior to the development of more "modern" technology. The idea was that, upon a ship, nobody was more important than the captain.
Granted sea travel was still dangerous, albeit far less so, and thus the tradition was simply a quirk of sea travel.
"Thank you, Sasha. I take it we have time to fix my hair?" I had been fussing enough that a touch up was likely warranted, and knowing Sasha…
"Of course. If my Lady is recovered, then shall we move to the dressing desk?" She bowed her head graciously, and indicated a small door along the far wall.
As I had been preoccupied with Sana, I had yet to properly explore my accommodations. According to the briefing given to me, I had a five room suite. Presently, we were in a sitting area that could also double as a reception and private dining room. Attached through the door Sasha indicated lay my bedroom, attached to which was a dedicated dressing room combined with a large walk in closet space. Across from my room, there was a room for my staff though they also had their own accommodations; these were for the staff who would never leave my side, like Sasha. Lastly, a bathroom containing a small (by my royal standards) bath, and toilets. Space was at a premium on a ship, even for me.
I lightly slapped my cheeks, finalizing my mental state –Sasha would fix the make up. Standing, I took a moment to steady myself with the gentle rolling of the harbor then made my way to the dressing room, "Let us prepare then."
If Sasha isn't going to reprimand me for sulking, things were terrible. I'll do my best, but my relationship with Sana is probably beyond repair… as saddening as that is, I can't let it distract me. There will be time to feel sorry for myself later.
That was the scariest aspect of all; Sasha still had her standing permission to speak freely and to chide me when my actions went beyond the pale. If she wasn't going to Invoke it here, she viewed my previous state as justified.
After spending half an hour repairing my hair and makeup, I exited my quarters and made my way to the bridge. One of the officers (of naval rank) had arrived to show me the way. A quick glance over his physique and the way the man carried himself gave the impression that he was on par with one of my stronger knights, though not quite as strong as the ones in my direct guard. Under his guidance, we made good time through the small ship from my cabin to the bridge. Thankfully he did not attempt to play the part of tour guide, and our trip proceeded in silence save for the sailors we passed who would pause briefly to salute while offering a swift "Your Majesty."
It should go without saying, but I was traveling light. For attendants, only Sasha and Jacqueline. For protection, only two of my knights, and Jacqueline.
I'll have to devise a way of traveling the ship without having to stop every time we pass a member of the crew. Perhaps I could instruct the captain that his men need not go out of their way?
I wanted my presence to be manageable and not burdensome within the operations of the ship. That said, I also was not going to confine myself to quarters for the entire trip; it would be a lie if I claimed not to be at least a little bit excited at the prospect of the voyage. Even if that was soured by the events of today thus far.
“Her Majesty has arrived.” Our guide announced my presence to the bridge crew upon our arrival, and they immediately snapped to salute.
As per the demands of tradition, I did not instruct them to be at ease. Instead, the man sitting in the largest chair stood and turned to face me. I performed a curtsy, lowering myself slightly in respect, “Captain Benji. I will be in your care.”
He nodded, “At ease, men. Welcome aboard, Your Highness. How have you found the Will of the Gods?”
“She is a beautiful ship,” I answered his question, then glanced around the room. Sensing that the atmosphere was right, I ventured, “Though there is a problem with her crew; they seem easily distracted from their duties and overly fond of saluting persons passing by in the passageways. Perhaps this could be remedied?”
Benji laughed, “Hahaha, the stories were true; you are cut from cheaper cloth. Though I can’t say it’s a pleasure owing Lord Alriss a drink… I’ll see what I can do about discipline.”
I narrowed my eyes at that; the notion of being the subject of bets between my men was unsettling, but there was nothing to be done about it. My commanders, on the other hand, they should know better.
I’ll have a word with Alriss later. I think I’m going to like Benji though. Tradition helps, but it only goes so far, the fact that he’s able to ignore typical social norms so readily, he’s easy to get along with.
“Now that we have met each other, how do you find your new command?” Our initial greeting was over, but there were still a few steps left before we could say we had honored the demands of decorum. Besides, I was genuinely interested.
Benji shrugged, “The way I see it, a command is a command. But Will of the Gods has a fine crew, and I’m looking forward to the voyage; it’s been fifty years since a Drakan ship crossed the Eastern Sea. I’m honored that His Majesty picked me for the mission.”
As he spoke, he was watching me very closely. Close enough to cause the back of my neck to prickle and for Jacqueline to shift her stance. Unlike when nobles attempted to engage me in verbal warfare, I found Benji’s attempt thrilling. He was hoping to learn the reason he had been chosen over every other officer of rank and, beyond that, trying to determine if the crown knew of his secret. We did, of course; there was no way the man being given command of my personal vessel had not undergone the most thorough of background checks.
As much as I would like to continue the charade and further engage with him, Sasha was indicating that time was short. After all, this was meant to be a brief greeting before our departure. I bowed my head lightly, “Of course we would select you; considering all factors, you are the most suited captain in the Drakan navy.”
By my wording, I had announced to Benji that I knew his secret, while still obfuscating it from the bridge crew.
His eyes flashed with a knowing recognition, and he smiled, “Then let it be my pleasure to announce the commencement of our voyage. Helmsen, break port!”
A resounding “Aye sir!” echoed across the bridge, and I felt the ship lurch beneath my feet. Amidst the bustle of the bridge, Benji gave a nod in my direction, then turned his attention to overseeing our departure. It was a tacet acknowledgment that I knew his secret and a thanks for not allowing it to color his career. My party left the bridge after I signaled him once more; I wanted to view our departure from the deck and arrangements had already been made so as to keep me out of the way of his men.
Strange though, that he would think there was any risk of his lineage being an issue. Felicity is herself an open secret; all the nobility knows about her. I guess I should make sure she’s present when I have dinner with him later.
After all, Benji was himself a halfbreed. He had been selected for the role because of his spotless record and unquestionable loyalty, but there were many with those two qualities. What had swung the odds in his favor, was the fact that his mother was a Demihuman. A Dogwoman, to be precise, who had been taken as a slave on the last Drakan ship to visit Rhodias. Now, fifty years later, her son had been selected to command the expeditionary fleet bearing a Drakan diplomatic envoy back to those same shores.
Sorry, Benji, but Rupert and I will be using you as a political tool.
After cursing under my breath and incinerating the letter, it crossed my. mind that Sana was still in the room… And had seen everything.
"...Ah. I apologize; the Cardinal delivered some extremely upsetting news."
As far as I could tell, she looked unconvinced. Not that her expression was easy to read. It was as though there was a disconnect there between us, something that hadn't existed a year ago. It would be easy enough to just cite the age difference, but an adult should at least be able to gauge a child's mood. If there was any word for it, then Sana was behaving in a guarded manner.
Well, I can't exactly fault her for it.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you." In an attempt to ease my friends' nerves, I allowed my voice to slip into a more casual tone. It felt weird, almost like the words were foreign to me.
"It's…OK." She answered me.
Well, progress, but she still doesn't look OK to me.
At this point, I began to realize the truth of the matter; there was no way our friendship was going to rekindle. Previously, I had some doubts and the notion that we would have made a strange pair was not lost on me. But still, I'd hoped against hope.
I can try for 'friendly.'
There was no reason we couldn't at least be cordial to each other, and I didn't want her to appear useless to the Cardinal; the jury was still out on if he could be trusted.
I dismissed all of my staff except Sasha in an effort to make Sana more comfortable. By this point, my guards had grown used to being sent away when I only had one or two guests and took up a post outside the door with no complaints.
Granted in their minds, what could a twelve-year-old do? I should introduce them to Rosial, she's nine.
Or not. I liked the ease with which I could be rid of them.
"Sana, I know I don't look like I should, and I know that we live in two different worlds now, but can we still be friends? I'd be sad if you keep hating me."
And now I'm talking to her like she's half her age. Damnit, how am I supposed to interact with her…?
A consequence of skipping that stage of my second childhood, I was finding myself at a general loss for words. Instead of treating her like my peer, I had decided to treat her like a child I was fond of, or perhaps a niece. But all of the children I was close with (Edith and Sarala), were exceptional. Even the younger children who were in my care, such as Felicity and Elienor, had their own quirks making communicating to them a wholly unique experience.
Sana was normal. I had no idea how to communicate with her properly.
If I approached her the same way I would talk to Edith, she would be lost. If I approach her like Rosial, then she'll stay scared. Elienor is the closest, but even she's advanced for her age…
Just as I was stumbling around, trying to figure out the correct approach, Sana answered me.
"I don't… How could I hate you!? The gods have given you a great purpose! If anything, I'm not good enough to be in the same room as you, to breathe the same air, I-" She froze, "...I'm the one who should apologize…."
I shot a look over Sana's shoulder toward Sasha, as my maid was waving to get my attention. As soon as she had it, she made a motion as though she was applying makeup. My eyes drifted until they landed on a mirror, and I was left aghast.
My face was twisted up into a look of disgust. The kind of expression one might make upon discovering a cockroach in their shoe or a dog turd on their bed. And that look had been directed at Sana.
What the hells is wrong with me!?
Replacing the disgusted expression with one aghast, I was quick to apologize, "Sana, I'm so sorry!"
But the damage seemed to have already been done. The girl was now staring meekly at her hands, folded as the were across her lap. Based on the trembling of her lips, she was doing her very best not to start crying. Sometimes, it was best to admit defeat. To retreat, and try again another day.
"Sasha, please arrange for Sana to sleep aboard the Will of the God's. Inform the Cardinal that she became gravelly seasick during departure. Sana, I can't apologize enough, but it is clear that you need time; I will have someone assigned to care for you, and make time in my schedule tomorrow."
For a moment, I feared that things were going to end on that sour note but after a long, pregnant pause, Sana gave a single sharp and quick nod. With what amounted to my farewell having been said, Sasha beckoned Peoni back into the room and passed Sana off to her. Once the girl was gone, I fell back into the small couch.
"What have I done now…?" My question was rhetorical, and my staff were keen enough to pick up on that.
That was entirely beyond me… Damnit! Why didn't [Acting] kick in!? I should have been able to control my facial expressions and body language!
The disgust was real, and there was no denying that. The moment that Sana had begun verbally putting me up on a pedestal, the only thing I had felt was revulsion. It would be a great disservice to my past self and all of my coping through [Cold Hearted] if I were to pretend I had felt anything other than pure disgust. But feeling something and showing it openly were two different things.
Though the degree of my disgust was also extreme, as far as that was concerned, the only thing I could think of was that it had something to do with the source of Sana's inferiority complex.
The church.
My thoughts were beginning to come together now, and I was turning my self-pity outward.
The degree of of my reaction was because of the source. People hold me up all the time. Prodigy. Alchemical Wizard. Genius Mage. Queen. I've heard the whispers, bit the most I've ever felt was mild discomfort, and recently not even that. It has to be the reason behind Sana's words; her faith.
The reason Sana held me in such high regards, and viewed herself so lowly, those were one and the same; her faith in the gods. In Sana's view, I was someone who had been both chosen, and then granted a personal miracle. I was just short of a divine being in my own right. A sort of walking avatar. No wonder she felt the way she did.
But if That's the case, there's no way I'll be able to form any sort of relationship with her. Either as friends or as her guardian. Not unless I'm willing to tear out her faith first.
I might not like the gods very much. In fact, I outright hated them all. But I knew better than to try and force my own opinion on the matter; the divine was fundamentally real here. For the masses, worshiping them had tangible benefits. Besides which, I was not foolhardy. My position as the Rulebreaker could only shield me so far. At the end of the day, if I tried to foment religious dissent, it would be trivial for the gods to remove me or simply negate my efforts.
So I had my answer as to the reason for revulsion, but not how my walls had been breached. Nor for why my mind was now running a circular track. As always, however, it was time that was my enemy.
"My lady." A gentle hand rested itself upon my shoulder, "If you continue, the ships will miss the departure window."
Sasha had allowed me to brood without comment but now she was letting me know that I had used all the time we had.
Right. I'm supposed to meet the captain.
Strangely, Drakas had no such custom requiring the captain of a vessel to greet important passengers when they boarded the ship. Rather, it was tradition for those important persons to see the captain shortly before departure. As far as I could tell, this arose from the danger of sea travel prior to the development of more "modern" technology. The idea was that, upon a ship, nobody was more important than the captain.
Granted sea travel was still dangerous, albeit far less so, and thus the tradition was simply a quirk of sea travel.
"Thank you, Sasha. I take it we have time to fix my hair?" I had been fussing enough that a touch up was likely warranted, and knowing Sasha…
"Of course. If my Lady is recovered, then shall we move to the dressing desk?" She bowed her head graciously, and indicated a small door along the far wall.
As I had been preoccupied with Sana, I had yet to properly explore my accommodations. According to the briefing given to me, I had a five room suite. Presently, we were in a sitting area that could also double as a reception and private dining room. Attached through the door Sasha indicated lay my bedroom, attached to which was a dedicated dressing room combined with a large walk in closet space. Across from my room, there was a room for my staff though they also had their own accommodations; these were for the staff who would never leave my side, like Sasha. Lastly, a bathroom containing a small (by my royal standards) bath, and toilets. Space was at a premium on a ship, even for me.
I lightly slapped my cheeks, finalizing my mental state –Sasha would fix the make up. Standing, I took a moment to steady myself with the gentle rolling of the harbor then made my way to the dressing room, "Let us prepare then."
If Sasha isn't going to reprimand me for sulking, things were terrible. I'll do my best, but my relationship with Sana is probably beyond repair… as saddening as that is, I can't let it distract me. There will be time to feel sorry for myself later.
That was the scariest aspect of all; Sasha still had her standing permission to speak freely and to chide me when my actions went beyond the pale. If she wasn't going to Invoke it here, she viewed my previous state as justified.
After spending half an hour repairing my hair and makeup, I exited my quarters and made my way to the bridge. One of the officers (of naval rank) had arrived to show me the way. A quick glance over his physique and the way the man carried himself gave the impression that he was on par with one of my stronger knights, though not quite as strong as the ones in my direct guard. Under his guidance, we made good time through the small ship from my cabin to the bridge. Thankfully he did not attempt to play the part of tour guide, and our trip proceeded in silence save for the sailors we passed who would pause briefly to salute while offering a swift "Your Majesty."
It should go without saying, but I was traveling light. For attendants, only Sasha and Jacqueline. For protection, only two of my knights, and Jacqueline.
I'll have to devise a way of traveling the ship without having to stop every time we pass a member of the crew. Perhaps I could instruct the captain that his men need not go out of their way?
I wanted my presence to be manageable and not burdensome within the operations of the ship. That said, I also was not going to confine myself to quarters for the entire trip; it would be a lie if I claimed not to be at least a little bit excited at the prospect of the voyage. Even if that was soured by the events of today thus far.
“Her Majesty has arrived.” Our guide announced my presence to the bridge crew upon our arrival, and they immediately snapped to salute.
As per the demands of tradition, I did not instruct them to be at ease. Instead, the man sitting in the largest chair stood and turned to face me. I performed a curtsy, lowering myself slightly in respect, “Captain Benji. I will be in your care.”
He nodded, “At ease, men. Welcome aboard, Your Highness. How have you found the Will of the Gods?”
“She is a beautiful ship,” I answered his question, then glanced around the room. Sensing that the atmosphere was right, I ventured, “Though there is a problem with her crew; they seem easily distracted from their duties and overly fond of saluting persons passing by in the passageways. Perhaps this could be remedied?”
Benji laughed, “Hahaha, the stories were true; you are cut from cheaper cloth. Though I can’t say it’s a pleasure owing Lord Alriss a drink… I’ll see what I can do about discipline.”
I narrowed my eyes at that; the notion of being the subject of bets between my men was unsettling, but there was nothing to be done about it. My commanders, on the other hand, they should know better.
I’ll have a word with Alriss later. I think I’m going to like Benji though. Tradition helps, but it only goes so far, the fact that he’s able to ignore typical social norms so readily, he’s easy to get along with.
“Now that we have met each other, how do you find your new command?” Our initial greeting was over, but there were still a few steps left before we could say we had honored the demands of decorum. Besides, I was genuinely interested.
Benji shrugged, “The way I see it, a command is a command. But Will of the Gods has a fine crew, and I’m looking forward to the voyage; it’s been fifty years since a Drakan ship crossed the Eastern Sea. I’m honored that His Majesty picked me for the mission.”
As he spoke, he was watching me very closely. Close enough to cause the back of my neck to prickle and for Jacqueline to shift her stance. Unlike when nobles attempted to engage me in verbal warfare, I found Benji’s attempt thrilling. He was hoping to learn the reason he had been chosen over every other officer of rank and, beyond that, trying to determine if the crown knew of his secret. We did, of course; there was no way the man being given command of my personal vessel had not undergone the most thorough of background checks.
As much as I would like to continue the charade and further engage with him, Sasha was indicating that time was short. After all, this was meant to be a brief greeting before our departure. I bowed my head lightly, “Of course we would select you; considering all factors, you are the most suited captain in the Drakan navy.”
By my wording, I had announced to Benji that I knew his secret, while still obfuscating it from the bridge crew.
His eyes flashed with a knowing recognition, and he smiled, “Then let it be my pleasure to announce the commencement of our voyage. Helmsen, break port!”
A resounding “Aye sir!” echoed across the bridge, and I felt the ship lurch beneath my feet. Amidst the bustle of the bridge, Benji gave a nod in my direction, then turned his attention to overseeing our departure. It was a tacet acknowledgment that I knew his secret and a thanks for not allowing it to color his career. My party left the bridge after I signaled him once more; I wanted to view our departure from the deck and arrangements had already been made so as to keep me out of the way of his men.
Strange though, that he would think there was any risk of his lineage being an issue. Felicity is herself an open secret; all the nobility knows about her. I guess I should make sure she’s present when I have dinner with him later.
After all, Benji was himself a halfbreed. He had been selected for the role because of his spotless record and unquestionable loyalty, but there were many with those two qualities. What had swung the odds in his favor, was the fact that his mother was a Demihuman. A Dogwoman, to be precise, who had been taken as a slave on the last Drakan ship to visit Rhodias. Now, fifty years later, her son had been selected to command the expeditionary fleet bearing a Drakan diplomatic envoy back to those same shores.
Sorry, Benji, but Rupert and I will be using you as a political tool.
