And So My Heart Stops Beating (Blade)
Content Warnings:
SpoilerTalk about past assaults. Claustaphobia panic. Doll smashing into a Spire because got thrown. Songs sung about past grief and loss and the carving out of ones own internal organs and writing note in BLOOD! AHHH So... pretty calm chapter. mhmhmhm!
[collapse]Note from Ruby:
This chapter I'd like to shout out an older story that inspired a lot of the Adaline POV, and is the obvious chapter namer here.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/225037/and-if-your-heart-stops-beating/
I pace nervously in front of the inert form as Calix double checks his notes. "I should get Elevar. This could go so badly.”
He wiggles his hand back and forth as he mutters calculations. [If you wish, Mistress. This one is quite confident in our work. It's not exactly reinventing the Doll, after all.]
I suppress the urge to yell at him. It's been four days since I claimed him, six since I awoke him and the other catatonic dolls, and he's been painfully blasè about consequences since. If he wasn't so damn efficient I'd... Do nothing honestly. He's a sweetheart.
"Calix. Just.... go get her, please? I'll double check the measurements as well. And Verbess? It would be comforting to ensure that if anything goes wrong, communication won't be an issue.”
He returns with my Love almost an hour later and I'm itching to get started.
"This one got distracted.” Calix explains as I give him a level look, his face smeared with some sort of fruit mixture.“Nettle was trying to cook again and well, you know?”
I share a look of barely disguised horror and disgust with Elevar.
“We have told you all, endlessly…” She begins to chide him, but sighs and shakes her head. “Later. You needed me? Why send this distractible one instead of using the bond?”
"Truthfully, to give me more time to second guess our work.”
She smirks and moves closer, “That’s good to hear. You’re thinking like a Witch. Running the numbers thrice and still preparing for a mistake. How can I help?”
"Simply be prepared in case... in case." I nod firmly, refusing to detail all the possible ways this could go wrong.
She slides fingers through mine, gives them a gentle squeeze. “Of course, I’m certain everything will go as expected. But I'm happy to be here besides.”
I reach out and put my left hands along the chassis. I shift and flow and stretch my will as everything goes dark and quiet and still. I can't sense anything, my soul is locked in, It's so quiet and dark, I begin to panic and thrash until I hear something.
"Mistress! You need to enable your senses! They're off by default!" Calix, that lovely bastard boy yells at a barely audible volume.
I flick my ears with a strange twist of comprehension towards muscles I've never had before and I can hear. I can hear! Oh, I'm making a lot of noise.
{Xafra, love.} My Witchling intones gently but firmly, Canting ::Calm/Safe/Pride/Approvals/Enjoyment/Stillness/Focus:: {Can you access this new Frame's workings or do you need me to act? You know I adore your ravenous affections but... I doubt the others enjoy the sight.}
She comes through muffled as well as I still this body. Gotta find the nacelle port and...
I can feel her, Verbess, Schatzi, Primrose, Nettle, Calix, and Adaline once more.
"Okay Boss Mistress, you gotta open both pairs of optical covers next so you can see. One set at a time to give yourself the chance to adjust.” Calix reminds me.
I chuff at him and eheheh it works!!! I make a silly sound that pleases me so very much.
One set with not-quite familiar motions and I can see Elevar's Ousia and physis once more, that beautiful blue the same colour as Adaline's eyes.
The second set and I can see the others too, Verbess and Calix standing back as my Mistress crouches beside me, holding me.
"That's it, slowly." She murmurs after giggling at the noise I make. "No need to rush.”
One group of muscles at a time I wake up this body and stretch out my full length of a metre plus an additional metre of tail.
[Elevar! It worked!]
{Was there ever any real doubt?} She intones with ::Confidence/Pride/Delight/Adorations/Awe:: {My Seamstress is so very amazing. This is... honestly a masterpiece beyond compare. How does it feel?}
I have to try it. I want it to work almost more than anything else I've wanted. I purr and it resonates through my Quills just blanketing the room in my happy vibrations.
Yes yes yes! eheheh, I have become cute, Cuddler of Witches and Dolls!
Verbess’ Quills thrum in pleased answer to my own delight.
"That's… so weird. .” Calix comments offhandedly. “This one can literally feel that through his frame, Mistress.”
"Nothing intrusive, correct?" Elevar asks without taking eyes off me. "Quill-Song is meant for resonance. But when touched with conflicting wills it can re-tune the weaker melody if one gets too loud. Though this feels about right to me. A good frequency.”
"This one means physically.” He replies. “It's not intrusive, just present.”
She grins and moves hands back to hover just a touch away. Spins a quick spell of mending over cuts and slightly shredded clothes. "Wonderful, same as my bond. Fluttering, but as a pool of water to a passing footfall. And is the Ousia and Physis cost what you thought it would be, Xafra?”
I hop off the table and land on my four digitigrade pads, wending through Elevar's legs. [Mmmmhm. Only Physis, and low enough that my natural replenishment can easily cover it.]
Such a rush of joy and delight flows freely from her, mingled with and enhanced by the purring of frame and song. "Cracked and Riven Moon, Congratulations. And well done." She kneels a bit to let fingertips brush just the tips of my back as I move about. "Thank you for inviting me to witness this.”
I attempt to speak aloud and only manage a mangled trilling mroaw before coughing. [eheh. You're very welcome.]
"So... What would you like to do with this freedom crafted for yourself?" She kneels to run a hand up my back and just barely caresses the back of an ear. "You could explore the Estate, or even the jungles if you'd like. Climb a Spire and get a wonderful view? The world is yours without boundaries.”
[I think first, I should ask what everyone else has been doing this past week. How is... Adaline?] I ask, my nerves getting the best of me. I haven't seen her since the incident eight days ago and can't help but feel like I'm failing in my responsibilities.
{She's doing well. Keeping busy, like you.} Elevar replies easily. {And... while I know I told you what she said, about her misunderstanding being a thing borne more from our past lessons about Dolls than any kind of malice, I embraced caution. Thought it best you see her when you were a bit more... settled.} Pride and relief flow down the bond from her freely as she looks over my form. {And now that this major project seems to be a success, well... What are your thoughts?}
[I appreciate that. I think it would be best to free the rest of the Dolls and see how we can help improve their situations. Past that... You mentioned needing to visit the Groves? Would you be... Asserting your standing under your new name or however it works while I manage the Estate?] I flop on my back, allowing my paws to cycle slowly through the air, continuing to test out the new prosthesis.
{Oh um... I... No. That was more to see if their Archives held a Tome or two I could use or... or maybe even ask an old, well... but no. I doubt they hold anything besides old grudges at this point.} She replies as her considerations turn nervous, careful. {We can take all the time we need here.}
[Oh, Okay.] I intone ::Reassurance:: and continue, [Then probably spend a fair bit of time working on your body, mine, and anyone else who wants. A good peaceful time sounds ideal.] I gently wrap my tail around her hand and bring it to my stomach to get scritches.
At first she seems a touch confused, but then I send a little nudge through the bond and she's happy to gently yet firmly run fingers over my belly to caress and scratch at the carved chitin scales.
{Yes. At least a few years of... of that! Infested Reefs, do I need it.} She nods. {And... whenever you decide to speak with Adaline, know that you have my support. No rush though, do it for yourself alone. Alright?}
[I would like to soon. probably... tomorrow? It's been hard not being around her, which feels odd.]
{I wonder if that's a Quirk of your bond with your Dolls. Especially since...} Elevar turns to glance at her Doll, not removing her hand. {Everything I found on Verbess and Schatzi's former pack suggests that their ties were more than just shared songs. Something laden deep into the way their Ousia was re-woven. Could be a similar principle. Or... well it's just an unresolved conflict that needs to be attended to. Very human, very normal.}
[Is there... truly nothing left of their former pack?]
She smiles at her Doll while intoning softly. {Not that I could find, at least. All I managed to stumble upon when I looked was some rusted scrap. And they don't seem to remember where the rest of the Pack was broken. They... I think Schatzi wandered about that frozen lake for quite some time before I stumbled into her.}
[Speaking of such...] I perk up, rolling back over before calling out mentally to Verbess [Little Monster, What do you think?]
Its own Quills buzz in a simple tune that... There's something there, a second one that I've never heard before at a pitch I didn't realize was possible with the Quills. In excitement and wonder I attempt it, and there's a moment when I get it and I stop immediately. Before anyone can comment, I shift out of the prosthesis that topples over and back to Warlord and try again, my Quill crown more familiar to me, and… it's there. Verbess, thrumming hope at the edge of perception but coming through so clearly I could weep.
My Mistress' Doll shudders and adds more complexity to the ultrasonic melody, notes woven together in ways that were never intended to form a song of grief and loss, of frayed edges and torn limbs, of the encroachment of rust, not slow or quiet but violent horror and I can't handle it. It's so loud in my body, I drop to my knees, stop breathing, stop my heart, and let the Quill-song fill me as I bear witness to… to… to...
The only survivors of a massacre, the sheer loneliness, a pain so sharp death seems gentle by comparison, and I understand, more than I ever did before. Carefully, I begin to add notes of my own, of the dead that became me, of partners lost, of rejection faced, of an eternity sealed away, and… then I add hope. I try to turn the song, not muting the devastation and heartache, simply accepting it and asking the most important question.
What comes next?
Elevar moves close, intones questions and inquiry and worries. But... her words are drowned and even the Physis Cant is consumed by the song, and the notes I hold at its end.
Verbess harmonizes itself with my own pain, my own loss, my own loneliness. Thrumming in resonance before slowing the song, unable to answer, quieting the Quills.
Verbess pulls back into itself, retracting Quills, remerging arms and jaw leaving Schatzi to murmur over our connection [Your Frame's are deft and bear their functions well. And... and thank you.]
I kneel there, motionless, silent as my graves. vacantly staring at Schatzi who returns my gaze with the slightest of smiles.
Elevar's hand gently curls about my cheek while leaning to catch my gaze in the quiet left behind. {Love? Are you alright?}
Her touch startles me and I blink away non-existent tears.
"I will be.” I whisper, taking in only enough air to speak. “Calix, I need a penknife, parchment and a quill for writing. Now, please."
For once, the boy is both prompt and silent, returning swiftly with the items on a wooden tray.
I slide the penknife into one of my arms and follow it with the quill, filling it with my blood to use as ink. I write out a rapid note then half shift, my torso becoming an open wreckage once more and pull out my heart before shifting back and weaving a thin layer of glass around it. I offer the letter and my heart to Elevar, "For Verbess and Schatzi. I... need to get outside. I can't—"
I black out.
Waking once more a short while later to find myself lying across Elevar's lap as she sits leaning against the back of my Spire. Schatzi sits beside her holding the heart and letter, reading it over and over again.
[I'm sorry. I was overwhelmed and everything felt so very loud]
{It's alright.} Elevar intones gently. {I'm still trying to understand exactly what occurred, but wanted you roused before inquiring. That... seemed to affect you both a great deal.}
[My love, They... It… There's more to the Quills than I ever thought possible! In the time I was sealed they developed a whole... mode of communication and comprehension in the ultrasonic frequencies and... we... We shared our pasts with each other. Me and Verbess.]
{That's... I knew they were complex.} She murmurs. {But I never realized there was meaning hidden within. And hiding them behind higher frequencies is brilliant. Is...} She looks over at the heart and note Schatzi is engrossed with. {And... that? Should I be worried?}
[It’s... an offering. To be kin in more than name. To be... siblings.]
Elevar glances between us, worry mingling with hope at my words as she whispers gently. "Schatzi, dear one? Are... This seems a big decision, but know that it is your and Verbess' choice, and you'll have my approval no matter what you two decide.”
"I... need to talk to Verbess when it wakes again. Can't, won't force it into this choice." Schatzi responds, still staring at the letter.
[Did ahhh. There it is. Can you slot me into my prosthesis?]
"Of course, of course!" Elevar says to us both while helping me back into my new Frame. "Take all the time you two need dear. Leave off any chores or projects till you're ready.”
I gratefully connect to the Frame and climb back into Elevars lap.
[This is a good spot, you know. I'm glad I went with only four legs instead of the Graklers six. Let's me curl up more effectively here.]
She chuckles and begins to scrutch behind my ears and along my back. "It's honestly a delightful creation. I might steal you away to hold close more nights than I already do. What with how soft you are.”
[I was hoping for both softness and durability so that's wonderful news.]
She relaxes back and shares calming delight over the bond. A thing pricked at by other worries but... softened by my success today. Enjoying so much the little purring rumbles I fall into as we bask in the shade.
At this moment, Calix wanders into view with a small bow. "Mistresses, this one is pleased to report that the trial was a success despite the audio interference from Verbess." He chitters in amusement.
[I would have never guessed that the body I'm currently inhabiting is functional. How ever did you know?] I ooze sarcasm at the Doll.
Elevar laughs openly, "It seems a marvelous success. Well done helping Xafra work through the numbers and practical functionality test. She's brilliant, but... might have otherwise needed to ruin a few test Frames before getting it just right.”
"Of course, It is this one's duty and pleasure.”
I look him over as they speak. Short and slender with arms made from copper filigree sheathed in glass, clearly more durable than he has any right to be considering how cavalier he is with risk. He wears sleeveless green coveralls and has a spiky mane of Kyanite contrasting his segmented terracotta face. If I was attracted to men emotionally, I'd be interested, as I can appreciate his aesthetics.
[Mmmm. Should... probably talk with Adaline before getting a response from your Doll. Feels appropriate?] I send privately to Elevar.
{I think that is a wise choice.} She nods. {Would you like me to be there for that? I trust that you understand what I expect going forward. Both as your Mistress and Mate, Keeper to this Estate, and... and whatever she considers me as. So long as you mean to ensure all those that exist treat you with due respect, I defer to your judgements in this now.}
[Yes and yes. Though… I do still struggle to determine what respect I am due... I'm likely one of the oldest sentient beings on Dämmerung. but also... kind of a ditz, if I'm to understand the term correctly]
She sighs with nothing but mirth as she moves us to rise. "Well... for a start, think of those you adore and what respect you think them due. Then apply that to yourself. Only adjust that if I or someone of similar trust agrees to the change.”
I scrunch the face of the frame up and thunk into Calix. [I'm pretty sure I just got informed that you should clean out your own damn torso or get Nettle to help instead of me when you two try eating.]
"But Mistress! the blasenwhatever works so much faster than trying to scrape the food out, and and, this one and Nettle are going to figure out how to make food that works for us.”
I turn to look at my Mate and see what she thinks.
Elevar shrugs. "Sounds like wonderful motivation to master two skills at the same time, Calix. Cleaning and specialized cooking. Much more valuable than witnessing this Blasenwhatever for the dozenth time. It certainly doesn't sound that impressive with a name like that.”
I yowl in annoyance at her.
She grins while walking away. "What? This project's completion gives them a bit of free time to celebrate. If they wish to engage in unwise flights of fancy I won't stop them, but nor do we know any spells by that name to aid in cleaning up the mess they might make of themselves.”
[You heard my Mate, Calix. Figure it out.] I bound after her as Calix moans dramatically about how tragic an existence cleaning up after himself is.
We find my Doll just outside one of the other Spires, carrying bags of debris. Over the last week it has apparently been cleaning up and airing out the remaining ten Spires that had been sealed and left to molder in disuse. I still can't help but marvel at the scale of the Estate. Fifteen interconnected Spires in addition to all the tunnels below and the undercroft that apparently lies beneath. An absurd amount of space for a single exiled Witch.
"Hi. Um. It's... good to see you? Sorry. This one is nervous and worried and um. Did some cleaning as well as um. Gathered up some stuff that may help. As an apology?”
I mrow softly and intone to Elevar [Please let her know I'm listening?] before curling up on the ground in front of Adaline.
"Xafra wanted me to let you know that she is listening." My Witchling murmurs softly.
"Okay so, This one pulled out her notes on its Einwandfrei, never finished of course, not like anyone is going to read the work of one who can't even..." Adaline takes a deep breath and continues "Anyway part of it may be relevant to you. This one was working on designing a communal wellspring that could be used for defense, similar to what the mundanes do with their magnet and salt engines. The important part for you is, this one determined the base amount of Ousia that denotes life by looking at algae. This one named it a Thaum. The average mundane has roughly seventeen thousand Thaums at birth, and it decreases at an average rate of about one a day depending on the circumstances. This one... hoped that being able to be precise would help with avoiding um... confinement.”
I perk up immediately. [Calix. Come here please. No dallying, I've got math for you.]
"She's calling over one of the others, one who has a... gift for math." Elevar conveys to Adaline.
Three of Elevar's heartbeats later, I tug her out of the way as Calix smashes into the side of the Spire with a sickening crack.
Elevar flinches. "Cracked and-" Then she's looking between myself and Calix. "What was... and more importantly, why?”
[CALIX, YOU BLOODY FOOL] I shriek over the tether as I hiss at him in a rage.
He stands and stumbles, brushing dirt, stone, and bits of kyanite off of himself, "Mistress, Mistress mentioned math so this one asked Schatzi to throw him to get here faster without becoming distracted.”
[YOU BROKE YOUR MANE!] I snarl ::Concern/Frustration:: [Kneel down here so I can fix it.]
A hiss and a swat across his forehead later and I've repaired the damage but am still fuming at this silly doll while Elevar very clearly bites back her own litany of harsh words for him.
"Look. Whoever you are, You damaged the Spire that This One JUST CLEANED!" Adaline does not hold back her visible anger.
Calix looks at the tower, then at Adaline, Elevar, and myself and bows "This one is very sorry and will try to avoid structural damage in the future.”
Elevar lets out a calming breath. "The Spire will tend to itself, in time. But you, Calix, do not bear its abilities. See that you do not damage your own structure in the future, please." She looks away as she murmurs something that seems to unsettle her. "Each and every one of you Dolls are more important than these Spires to us.”
He looks confused at that and seems about to comment when he catches the slight shake of my head and remains silent.
"Okay. okay. okay. Now, as this one was saying, Measurement Unit for Ousia. Thaums. Based on the smallest amount found in a living thing. Mundanes have seventeen thousand at birth.”
Brilliant really. Could allow for such precise weaving that can be shared and passed on. Improvements in efficiency everywhere. I nod along and intone to Calix. [Please introduce yourself properly to her. She is your connivant like Nettle and Primrose. Afterwards, you can get started on seeing how we can calculate these thaums while I have a talk with her.]
He jolts to attention with the reminder, "Oh! Madam Adaline, this one is Calix. He was one of the Dolls you removed from storage.”
Adaline looks at him in shock,"Tes– Sorry. Calix. You look different from what I remember."
What was she going to say…?
"Mmhm! With the new Mistresses, this one was permitted to stop the passive optical distortion. He feels much better now! This one is gonna go do maths, so we can talk later," and Calix, my sweet absentminded Doll turns around and walks away without waiting for a response.
With his departure, I slip out of my sheath and shift to my Warlord form so I can talk to Adaline face to face.
"Adaline. I... am struggling to avoid apologizing. Intellectually, I know that I didn't do anything wrong, but emotionally, it feels like it was all my fault." I spent a while deciding what I was going to say and determined that being open and vulnerable about it would be the best.
"No! This one misunderstood and hurt you, and more than once. It was... confused and made mistakes but that doesn't make it okay." She gesticulates wildly at me.
"Okay then.” I nod. “So, to be clear. I am a woman. While my forms are mutable, I prefer having a penis. And, um… I don't mind being touched casually but when I say no to something, I don't want to have to enforce it to have that boundary respected. I... don't mind the teasing but that could get confusing, so... I think that, if we uhhhh decide on a word for when we are not playing to avoid misunderstandings, I think that would be helpful?" If I had sweat, I'd be pouring. Disputes where I cannot simply kill my way through are so much harder.
"This one... mostly understands and can accept what you're saying, Mistress Xafra. This one is sorry. This one will not call you what she did again, or disregard your statements.”
My Witchling stands off and to the side. The bond is carefully thrumming with gentle support, approvals, and a sort of protective regard. Carefully calming as words pass between us, but... present. And not just for me, but for Adaline too. Like a promise in case this conversation went poorly.
"Do you... wanna come home? No pressure. I just figured, I fixed up the balcony more and made a uhm... You know, bed for my Frame and there's a good spot for your case as well.”
"Home... That sounds nice." Adaline replies with a smidge of wonder.
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And So My Heart Stops Beating (Blade)
Content Warnings:
SpoilerTalk about past assaults. Claustaphobia panic. Doll smashing into a Spire because got thrown. Songs sung about past grief and loss and the carving out of ones own internal organs and writing note in BLOOD! AHHH So... pretty calm chapter. mhmhmhm!
[collapse]Note from Ruby:
This chapter I'd like to shout out an older story that inspired a lot of the Adaline POV, and is the obvious chapter namer here.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/225037/and-if-your-heart-stops-beating/
I pace nervously in front of the inert form as Calix double checks his notes. "I should get Elevar. This could go so badly.”
He wiggles his hand back and forth as he mutters calculations. [If you wish, Mistress. This one is quite confident in our work. It's not exactly reinventing the Doll, after all.]
I suppress the urge to yell at him. It's been four days since I claimed him, six since I awoke him and the other catatonic dolls, and he's been painfully blasè about consequences since. If he wasn't so damn efficient I'd... Do nothing honestly. He's a sweetheart.
"Calix. Just.... go get her, please? I'll double check the measurements as well. And Verbess? It would be comforting to ensure that if anything goes wrong, communication won't be an issue.”
He returns with my Love almost an hour later and I'm itching to get started.
"This one got distracted.” Calix explains as I give him a level look, his face smeared with some sort of fruit mixture.“Nettle was trying to cook again and well, you know?”
I share a look of barely disguised horror and disgust with Elevar.
“We have told you all, endlessly…” She begins to chide him, but sighs and shakes her head. “Later. You needed me? Why send this distractible one instead of using the bond?”
"Truthfully, to give me more time to second guess our work.”
She smirks and moves closer, “That’s good to hear. You’re thinking like a Witch. Running the numbers thrice and still preparing for a mistake. How can I help?”
"Simply be prepared in case... in case." I nod firmly, refusing to detail all the possible ways this could go wrong.
She slides fingers through mine, gives them a gentle squeeze. “Of course, I’m certain everything will go as expected. But I'm happy to be here besides.”
I reach out and put my left hands along the chassis. I shift and flow and stretch my will as everything goes dark and quiet and still. I can't sense anything, my soul is locked in, It's so quiet and dark, I begin to panic and thrash until I hear something.
"Mistress! You need to enable your senses! They're off by default!" Calix, that lovely bastard boy yells at a barely audible volume.
I flick my ears with a strange twist of comprehension towards muscles I've never had before and I can hear. I can hear! Oh, I'm making a lot of noise.
{Xafra, love.} My Witchling intones gently but firmly, Canting ::Calm/Safe/Pride/Approvals/Enjoyment/Stillness/Focus:: {Can you access this new Frame's workings or do you need me to act? You know I adore your ravenous affections but... I doubt the others enjoy the sight.}
She comes through muffled as well as I still this body. Gotta find the nacelle port and...
I can feel her, Verbess, Schatzi, Primrose, Nettle, Calix, and Adaline once more.
"Okay Boss Mistress, you gotta open both pairs of optical covers next so you can see. One set at a time to give yourself the chance to adjust.” Calix reminds me.
I chuff at him and eheheh it works!!! I make a silly sound that pleases me so very much.
One set with not-quite familiar motions and I can see Elevar's Ousia and physis once more, that beautiful blue the same colour as Adaline's eyes.
The second set and I can see the others too, Verbess and Calix standing back as my Mistress crouches beside me, holding me.
"That's it, slowly." She murmurs after giggling at the noise I make. "No need to rush.”
One group of muscles at a time I wake up this body and stretch out my full length of a metre plus an additional metre of tail.
[Elevar! It worked!]
{Was there ever any real doubt?} She intones with ::Confidence/Pride/Delight/Adorations/Awe:: {My Seamstress is so very amazing. This is... honestly a masterpiece beyond compare. How does it feel?}
I have to try it. I want it to work almost more than anything else I've wanted. I purr and it resonates through my Quills just blanketing the room in my happy vibrations.
Yes yes yes! eheheh, I have become cute, Cuddler of Witches and Dolls!
Verbess’ Quills thrum in pleased answer to my own delight.
"That's… so weird. .” Calix comments offhandedly. “This one can literally feel that through his frame, Mistress.”
"Nothing intrusive, correct?" Elevar asks without taking eyes off me. "Quill-Song is meant for resonance. But when touched with conflicting wills it can re-tune the weaker melody if one gets too loud. Though this feels about right to me. A good frequency.”
"This one means physically.” He replies. “It's not intrusive, just present.”
She grins and moves hands back to hover just a touch away. Spins a quick spell of mending over cuts and slightly shredded clothes. "Wonderful, same as my bond. Fluttering, but as a pool of water to a passing footfall. And is the Ousia and Physis cost what you thought it would be, Xafra?”
I hop off the table and land on my four digitigrade pads, wending through Elevar's legs. [Mmmmhm. Only Physis, and low enough that my natural replenishment can easily cover it.]
Such a rush of joy and delight flows freely from her, mingled with and enhanced by the purring of frame and song. "Cracked and Riven Moon, Congratulations. And well done." She kneels a bit to let fingertips brush just the tips of my back as I move about. "Thank you for inviting me to witness this.”
I attempt to speak aloud and only manage a mangled trilling mroaw before coughing. [eheh. You're very welcome.]
"So... What would you like to do with this freedom crafted for yourself?" She kneels to run a hand up my back and just barely caresses the back of an ear. "You could explore the Estate, or even the jungles if you'd like. Climb a Spire and get a wonderful view? The world is yours without boundaries.”
[I think first, I should ask what everyone else has been doing this past week. How is... Adaline?] I ask, my nerves getting the best of me. I haven't seen her since the incident eight days ago and can't help but feel like I'm failing in my responsibilities.
{She's doing well. Keeping busy, like you.} Elevar replies easily. {And... while I know I told you what she said, about her misunderstanding being a thing borne more from our past lessons about Dolls than any kind of malice, I embraced caution. Thought it best you see her when you were a bit more... settled.} Pride and relief flow down the bond from her freely as she looks over my form. {And now that this major project seems to be a success, well... What are your thoughts?}
[I appreciate that. I think it would be best to free the rest of the Dolls and see how we can help improve their situations. Past that... You mentioned needing to visit the Groves? Would you be... Asserting your standing under your new name or however it works while I manage the Estate?] I flop on my back, allowing my paws to cycle slowly through the air, continuing to test out the new prosthesis.
{Oh um... I... No. That was more to see if their Archives held a Tome or two I could use or... or maybe even ask an old, well... but no. I doubt they hold anything besides old grudges at this point.} She replies as her considerations turn nervous, careful. {We can take all the time we need here.}
[Oh, Okay.] I intone ::Reassurance:: and continue, [Then probably spend a fair bit of time working on your body, mine, and anyone else who wants. A good peaceful time sounds ideal.] I gently wrap my tail around her hand and bring it to my stomach to get scritches.
At first she seems a touch confused, but then I send a little nudge through the bond and she's happy to gently yet firmly run fingers over my belly to caress and scratch at the carved chitin scales.
{Yes. At least a few years of... of that! Infested Reefs, do I need it.} She nods. {And... whenever you decide to speak with Adaline, know that you have my support. No rush though, do it for yourself alone. Alright?}
[I would like to soon. probably... tomorrow? It's been hard not being around her, which feels odd.]
{I wonder if that's a Quirk of your bond with your Dolls. Especially since...} Elevar turns to glance at her Doll, not removing her hand. {Everything I found on Verbess and Schatzi's former pack suggests that their ties were more than just shared songs. Something laden deep into the way their Ousia was re-woven. Could be a similar principle. Or... well it's just an unresolved conflict that needs to be attended to. Very human, very normal.}
[Is there... truly nothing left of their former pack?]
She smiles at her Doll while intoning softly. {Not that I could find, at least. All I managed to stumble upon when I looked was some rusted scrap. And they don't seem to remember where the rest of the Pack was broken. They... I think Schatzi wandered about that frozen lake for quite some time before I stumbled into her.}
[Speaking of such...] I perk up, rolling back over before calling out mentally to Verbess [Little Monster, What do you think?]
Its own Quills buzz in a simple tune that... There's something there, a second one that I've never heard before at a pitch I didn't realize was possible with the Quills. In excitement and wonder I attempt it, and there's a moment when I get it and I stop immediately. Before anyone can comment, I shift out of the prosthesis that topples over and back to Warlord and try again, my Quill crown more familiar to me, and… it's there. Verbess, thrumming hope at the edge of perception but coming through so clearly I could weep.
My Mistress' Doll shudders and adds more complexity to the ultrasonic melody, notes woven together in ways that were never intended to form a song of grief and loss, of frayed edges and torn limbs, of the encroachment of rust, not slow or quiet but violent horror and I can't handle it. It's so loud in my body, I drop to my knees, stop breathing, stop my heart, and let the Quill-song fill me as I bear witness to… to… to...
The only survivors of a massacre, the sheer loneliness, a pain so sharp death seems gentle by comparison, and I understand, more than I ever did before. Carefully, I begin to add notes of my own, of the dead that became me, of partners lost, of rejection faced, of an eternity sealed away, and… then I add hope. I try to turn the song, not muting the devastation and heartache, simply accepting it and asking the most important question.
What comes next?
Elevar moves close, intones questions and inquiry and worries. But... her words are drowned and even the Physis Cant is consumed by the song, and the notes I hold at its end.
Verbess harmonizes itself with my own pain, my own loss, my own loneliness. Thrumming in resonance before slowing the song, unable to answer, quieting the Quills.
Verbess pulls back into itself, retracting Quills, remerging arms and jaw leaving Schatzi to murmur over our connection [Your Frame's are deft and bear their functions well. And... and thank you.]
I kneel there, motionless, silent as my graves. vacantly staring at Schatzi who returns my gaze with the slightest of smiles.
Elevar's hand gently curls about my cheek while leaning to catch my gaze in the quiet left behind. {Love? Are you alright?}
Her touch startles me and I blink away non-existent tears.
"I will be.” I whisper, taking in only enough air to speak. “Calix, I need a penknife, parchment and a quill for writing. Now, please."
For once, the boy is both prompt and silent, returning swiftly with the items on a wooden tray.
I slide the penknife into one of my arms and follow it with the quill, filling it with my blood to use as ink. I write out a rapid note then half shift, my torso becoming an open wreckage once more and pull out my heart before shifting back and weaving a thin layer of glass around it. I offer the letter and my heart to Elevar, "For Verbess and Schatzi. I... need to get outside. I can't—"
I black out.
Waking once more a short while later to find myself lying across Elevar's lap as she sits leaning against the back of my Spire. Schatzi sits beside her holding the heart and letter, reading it over and over again.
[I'm sorry. I was overwhelmed and everything felt so very loud]
{It's alright.} Elevar intones gently. {I'm still trying to understand exactly what occurred, but wanted you roused before inquiring. That... seemed to affect you both a great deal.}
[My love, They... It… There's more to the Quills than I ever thought possible! In the time I was sealed they developed a whole... mode of communication and comprehension in the ultrasonic frequencies and... we... We shared our pasts with each other. Me and Verbess.]
{That's... I knew they were complex.} She murmurs. {But I never realized there was meaning hidden within. And hiding them behind higher frequencies is brilliant. Is...} She looks over at the heart and note Schatzi is engrossed with. {And... that? Should I be worried?}
[It’s... an offering. To be kin in more than name. To be... siblings.]
Elevar glances between us, worry mingling with hope at my words as she whispers gently. "Schatzi, dear one? Are... This seems a big decision, but know that it is your and Verbess' choice, and you'll have my approval no matter what you two decide.”
"I... need to talk to Verbess when it wakes again. Can't, won't force it into this choice." Schatzi responds, still staring at the letter.
[Did ahhh. There it is. Can you slot me into my prosthesis?]
"Of course, of course!" Elevar says to us both while helping me back into my new Frame. "Take all the time you two need dear. Leave off any chores or projects till you're ready.”
I gratefully connect to the Frame and climb back into Elevars lap.
[This is a good spot, you know. I'm glad I went with only four legs instead of the Graklers six. Let's me curl up more effectively here.]
She chuckles and begins to scrutch behind my ears and along my back. "It's honestly a delightful creation. I might steal you away to hold close more nights than I already do. What with how soft you are.”
[I was hoping for both softness and durability so that's wonderful news.]
She relaxes back and shares calming delight over the bond. A thing pricked at by other worries but... softened by my success today. Enjoying so much the little purring rumbles I fall into as we bask in the shade.
At this moment, Calix wanders into view with a small bow. "Mistresses, this one is pleased to report that the trial was a success despite the audio interference from Verbess." He chitters in amusement.
[I would have never guessed that the body I'm currently inhabiting is functional. How ever did you know?] I ooze sarcasm at the Doll.
Elevar laughs openly, "It seems a marvelous success. Well done helping Xafra work through the numbers and practical functionality test. She's brilliant, but... might have otherwise needed to ruin a few test Frames before getting it just right.”
"Of course, It is this one's duty and pleasure.”
I look him over as they speak. Short and slender with arms made from copper filigree sheathed in glass, clearly more durable than he has any right to be considering how cavalier he is with risk. He wears sleeveless green coveralls and has a spiky mane of Kyanite contrasting his segmented terracotta face. If I was attracted to men emotionally, I'd be interested, as I can appreciate his aesthetics.
[Mmmm. Should... probably talk with Adaline before getting a response from your Doll. Feels appropriate?] I send privately to Elevar.
{I think that is a wise choice.} She nods. {Would you like me to be there for that? I trust that you understand what I expect going forward. Both as your Mistress and Mate, Keeper to this Estate, and... and whatever she considers me as. So long as you mean to ensure all those that exist treat you with due respect, I defer to your judgements in this now.}
[Yes and yes. Though… I do still struggle to determine what respect I am due... I'm likely one of the oldest sentient beings on Dämmerung. but also... kind of a ditz, if I'm to understand the term correctly]
She sighs with nothing but mirth as she moves us to rise. "Well... for a start, think of those you adore and what respect you think them due. Then apply that to yourself. Only adjust that if I or someone of similar trust agrees to the change.”
I scrunch the face of the frame up and thunk into Calix. [I'm pretty sure I just got informed that you should clean out your own damn torso or get Nettle to help instead of me when you two try eating.]
"But Mistress! the blasenwhatever works so much faster than trying to scrape the food out, and and, this one and Nettle are going to figure out how to make food that works for us.”
I turn to look at my Mate and see what she thinks.
Elevar shrugs. "Sounds like wonderful motivation to master two skills at the same time, Calix. Cleaning and specialized cooking. Much more valuable than witnessing this Blasenwhatever for the dozenth time. It certainly doesn't sound that impressive with a name like that.”
I yowl in annoyance at her.
She grins while walking away. "What? This project's completion gives them a bit of free time to celebrate. If they wish to engage in unwise flights of fancy I won't stop them, but nor do we know any spells by that name to aid in cleaning up the mess they might make of themselves.”
[You heard my Mate, Calix. Figure it out.] I bound after her as Calix moans dramatically about how tragic an existence cleaning up after himself is.
We find my Doll just outside one of the other Spires, carrying bags of debris. Over the last week it has apparently been cleaning up and airing out the remaining ten Spires that had been sealed and left to molder in disuse. I still can't help but marvel at the scale of the Estate. Fifteen interconnected Spires in addition to all the tunnels below and the undercroft that apparently lies beneath. An absurd amount of space for a single exiled Witch.
"Hi. Um. It's... good to see you? Sorry. This one is nervous and worried and um. Did some cleaning as well as um. Gathered up some stuff that may help. As an apology?”
I mrow softly and intone to Elevar [Please let her know I'm listening?] before curling up on the ground in front of Adaline.
"Xafra wanted me to let you know that she is listening." My Witchling murmurs softly.
"Okay so, This one pulled out her notes on its Einwandfrei, never finished of course, not like anyone is going to read the work of one who can't even..." Adaline takes a deep breath and continues "Anyway part of it may be relevant to you. This one was working on designing a communal wellspring that could be used for defense, similar to what the mundanes do with their magnet and salt engines. The important part for you is, this one determined the base amount of Ousia that denotes life by looking at algae. This one named it a Thaum. The average mundane has roughly seventeen thousand Thaums at birth, and it decreases at an average rate of about one a day depending on the circumstances. This one... hoped that being able to be precise would help with avoiding um... confinement.”
I perk up immediately. [Calix. Come here please. No dallying, I've got math for you.]
"She's calling over one of the others, one who has a... gift for math." Elevar conveys to Adaline.
Three of Elevar's heartbeats later, I tug her out of the way as Calix smashes into the side of the Spire with a sickening crack.
Elevar flinches. "Cracked and-" Then she's looking between myself and Calix. "What was... and more importantly, why?”
[CALIX, YOU BLOODY FOOL] I shriek over the tether as I hiss at him in a rage.
He stands and stumbles, brushing dirt, stone, and bits of kyanite off of himself, "Mistress, Mistress mentioned math so this one asked Schatzi to throw him to get here faster without becoming distracted.”
[YOU BROKE YOUR MANE!] I snarl ::Concern/Frustration:: [Kneel down here so I can fix it.]
A hiss and a swat across his forehead later and I've repaired the damage but am still fuming at this silly doll while Elevar very clearly bites back her own litany of harsh words for him.
"Look. Whoever you are, You damaged the Spire that This One JUST CLEANED!" Adaline does not hold back her visible anger.
Calix looks at the tower, then at Adaline, Elevar, and myself and bows "This one is very sorry and will try to avoid structural damage in the future.”
Elevar lets out a calming breath. "The Spire will tend to itself, in time. But you, Calix, do not bear its abilities. See that you do not damage your own structure in the future, please." She looks away as she murmurs something that seems to unsettle her. "Each and every one of you Dolls are more important than these Spires to us.”
He looks confused at that and seems about to comment when he catches the slight shake of my head and remains silent.
"Okay. okay. okay. Now, as this one was saying, Measurement Unit for Ousia. Thaums. Based on the smallest amount found in a living thing. Mundanes have seventeen thousand at birth.”
Brilliant really. Could allow for such precise weaving that can be shared and passed on. Improvements in efficiency everywhere. I nod along and intone to Calix. [Please introduce yourself properly to her. She is your connivant like Nettle and Primrose. Afterwards, you can get started on seeing how we can calculate these thaums while I have a talk with her.]
He jolts to attention with the reminder, "Oh! Madam Adaline, this one is Calix. He was one of the Dolls you removed from storage.”
Adaline looks at him in shock,"Tes– Sorry. Calix. You look different from what I remember."
What was she going to say…?
"Mmhm! With the new Mistresses, this one was permitted to stop the passive optical distortion. He feels much better now! This one is gonna go do maths, so we can talk later," and Calix, my sweet absentminded Doll turns around and walks away without waiting for a response.
With his departure, I slip out of my sheath and shift to my Warlord form so I can talk to Adaline face to face.
"Adaline. I... am struggling to avoid apologizing. Intellectually, I know that I didn't do anything wrong, but emotionally, it feels like it was all my fault." I spent a while deciding what I was going to say and determined that being open and vulnerable about it would be the best.
"No! This one misunderstood and hurt you, and more than once. It was... confused and made mistakes but that doesn't make it okay." She gesticulates wildly at me.
"Okay then.” I nod. “So, to be clear. I am a woman. While my forms are mutable, I prefer having a penis. And, um… I don't mind being touched casually but when I say no to something, I don't want to have to enforce it to have that boundary respected. I... don't mind the teasing but that could get confusing, so... I think that, if we uhhhh decide on a word for when we are not playing to avoid misunderstandings, I think that would be helpful?" If I had sweat, I'd be pouring. Disputes where I cannot simply kill my way through are so much harder.
"This one... mostly understands and can accept what you're saying, Mistress Xafra. This one is sorry. This one will not call you what she did again, or disregard your statements.”
My Witchling stands off and to the side. The bond is carefully thrumming with gentle support, approvals, and a sort of protective regard. Carefully calming as words pass between us, but... present. And not just for me, but for Adaline too. Like a promise in case this conversation went poorly.
"Do you... wanna come home? No pressure. I just figured, I fixed up the balcony more and made a uhm... You know, bed for my Frame and there's a good spot for your case as well.”
"Home... That sounds nice." Adaline replies with a smidge of wonder.
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