“Where do you think I am?”
Shi Ye impatiently spoke into the phone, “Let me ask you, Shen Zui, have you memorized the lyrics for the tour? Is now the time for you to discuss going on variety shows with me? Do you think our band is suitable for that kind of program? Did I not speak clearly before I left? Do you feel I wasn’t harsh enough?”
“Fame? You want to be even more famous? Have you had your pubic hair grown out yet?”
After hearing the response, Shi Ye laughed, “Am I restricting you? Yes, indeed I am. I’ve made it clear to you before that both Zhong, Xiao and I are purely musicians, only interested in playing instruments and singing. We’re not good with those empty-headed things. Shen Zui, don’t follow blindly.”
“Don’t piss me off again.”
After knocking on the attic door, the first thing Sheng Xia heard was this sentence.
Shi Ye saw Sheng Xia nodding towards him to enter the room, then he hung up the phone.
“Why are you wearing a mask so late at night?” Probably still in a bad mood from before, Shi Ye frowned, his tone not very good.
In front of him, Sheng Xia was wearing a bear-patterned pajama with a denim jacket on top. His face was not clearly visible, only his eyes.
Sheng Xia paused for a moment before saying, “Got sunburned, doesn’t look good.”
Shi Ye initially wanted him to take it off, but his hands were faster than his mouth. After realizing it, he had already reached out and removed Sheng Xia’s mask. “Be more careful, wearing it all day is bad for the wound. Aren’t you afraid of festering in this hot weather? Do you also wear it while sleeping?”
“…Doesn’t look good.” Sheng Xia still said, “I take it off when I sleep.”
“Who’s going to see you? Right now, it’s just me looking at you, isn’t it?” Shi Ye still frowned, “Why are you looking down? Are you listening to me? Look up—”
Sheng Xia felt embarrassed because only Shi Ye was looking at him now, making him feel ashamed.
Reluctantly, he raised his scar-covered face, “I heard you.”
“You heard me, but will you forget it once you’ve heard?” Shi Ye’s current demeanor was very much like a parent educating a child, “I have to remind you several times every day these days, telling you not to smoke. It’s not good for your throat or your health. You pretend to be okay during the day but sneak off to smoke at night, right?”
Sheng Xia maintained an awkward smile, “Teacher Shi Ye, I…”
Shi Ye interrupted him, “Do you have cigarettes on you?”
“…Huh?”
“Do you have cigarettes on you?”
Shi Ye was actually a bit tipsy.
When he couldn’t sleep, he was used to having some alcohol, trying to sleep when feeling a bit dizzy. However, sometimes drinking made him even sleepier, while other times it made him more alert, depending on the situation. Like today, he was more awake after drinking.
He turned the bottle on the piano, then looked at Sheng Xia in front of him. But his mind was elsewhere. Many fragmented memories, scenes from the tour, the faces of strangers during the journey, Shen Zui and his girlfriend kissing.
A mess.
After dawdling for a while, Sheng Xia finally took out a pack of Soft Zhens and a box of matches from his pocket and handed them to Shi Ye.
“I don’t think smoking is that bad,” Sheng Xia seemed a bit unsure but still attempted to argue, “I feel like cigarettes are my friend, they make me feel safe. I need them, and they need me.”
This nonsensical argument was surprisingly similar to Shen Zui’s nonsense.
Shi Ye took out a cigarette, lit it, and leaned against the piano, smoking.
Sheng Xia was momentarily stunned because Shi Ye’s way of lighting the cigarette was very skillful, and his movements were graceful and attractive. Before he could recover, Shi Ye had already blown a beautiful smoke ring.
The round smoke ring floated over. When it was about to reach Sheng Xia’s face, Shi Ye exhaled again, blowing the circle apart.
The smoke scattered in front of Sheng Xia. The smell of smoke and Shi Ye’s breath enveloped his face.
“I smoked for the first time when I was twelve, in the school toilet, handed to me by a classmate,” Shi Ye’s voice was a bit hoarse, “I used to smoke heavily when I was upset, about one or two packs a day. At first, I didn’t think much about it, I also thought cigarettes were my friends… But the body can’t lie, last year I couldn’t sing because of smoking.”
He exaggerated. Actually, not being able to sing was not directly related to smoking. But after damaging his throat, he really couldn’t smoke too much.
The main reason for his vocal cord damage diagnosis was excessive stress and psychological factors. Shi Ye himself found it amusing to listen to.
“Before you decide to accept something, you need to know and understand what it is, and what consequences it will bring to you,” Shi Ye lazily smiled. “Just like when I first smoked a cigarette, I never thought that one day I would start resenting nicotine.”
Sheng Xia didn’t know if he took it in, he just stared blankly at Shi Ye. When the other’s gaze turned towards him, he slowly said, “Shi Ye, Teacher Shi, please don’t smoke.”
Shi Ye found his reaction amusing and asked, “Can you blow smoke rings?”
Sheng Xia shook his head.
“Let me teach you.” After saying that, Shi Ye handed him a cigarette, struck another match, moved the flame towards Sheng Xia’s face, and said, “Light it.”
Sheng Xia was wearing quite a lot, and by now the effects of the medicine had kicked in. He felt a bit weak, with his head feeling hot.
He leaned in closer and lit the cigarette he held between his lips.
Aside from the smell of smoke, he seemed to catch a faint scent from Shi Ye. It was somewhat bitter but also had a hint of sweetness, like licorice.
It might have been an illusion, as he shouldn’t have been able to smell it.
“Inhale,” Shi Ye said as he demonstrated, “Hold your breath, keep your mouth in an ‘O’ shape… Don’t puff out your cheeks like that, just keep it natural.”
“Inhale half, exhale half, then slowly exhale the smoke, like you do in winter when you can see your breath… slower…” Shi Ye watched Sheng Xia’s movements. “Try it a few times.”
Sheng Xia’s face didn’t look good at this moment, quite comical. Besides the sunburn, his ears were also red.
The first attempt at learning failed. Shi Ye patiently taught him a a few more times, but seeing that his mouth shape was always wrong, he decided to form a circle with his fingers, leaving a gap in the middle, and placed it on Sheng Xia’s lips.
“Open your mouth to the size of my finger circle and try exhaling,” Shi Ye thought this was a bit silly, “Why are you looking at me? Exhale.”
Sheng Xia felt his mouth trembling, and then he was choked by the smoke he inhaled. In the end, he didn’t exhale the smoke rings as Shi Ye wanted to see, but nearly choked himself to death.
Seeing Sheng Xia turning red from coughing, Shi Ye thought he needed to discipline this teenager. While Sheng Xia was covering his face and coughing, Shi Ye poured a glass of whiskey from the bottle he bought at Xie Hong’s shop and handed it to Sheng Xia, saying, “Drink some, it’ll help.”
Sheng Xia didn’t suspect anything and felt his throat bitter from the coughing. He took the glass and gulped down most of it.
After swallowing it, he felt his throat burning like it was on fire, making him even more uncomfortable. When he looked up at Shi Ye again, there was a hint of complaint in his eyes.
“Feeling uncomfortable, huh?” Shi Ye reached for the glass in Sheng Xia’s hand, “Once it’s uncomfortable, don’t drink it, neither cigarettes nor alcohol are things you should touch, you’re still young, let’s not talk about it until later.”
But Shi Ye couldn’t take the glass away. Sheng Xia gripped the glass tightly, not letting him take it back, “I’m not young anymore, I can drink.”
Shi Ye looked at him for a moment, then lazily smiled and loosened his grip.
“Teacher Shi, I have something to tell you.”
“I’m not stopping you from speaking.”
Sheng Xia finished the drink in his glass in one gulp, “Do you think I can become as good a singer-songwriter as you?”
“No.”
“…,” Sheng Xia was silenced by Shi Ye’s straightforwardness, lowered his head a bit, and poured himself another drink, “…So I never thought about forming a band and releasing albums, because I know I can never become as talented a singer-songwriter as you, so I feel it’s better not to embarrass myself.”
“That sounds childish,” Shi Ye chuckled, “There are still many great bands in this world, and I have been influenced by many excellent musicians. Do I feel inferior just because they are outstanding?”
“Not exactly… it’s just that if I were to form a band, I wouldn’t want to just casually recruit a few people I don’t really know. I feel like we should at least understand each other.” After saying that, Sheng Xia touched the nearby piano suddenly. “Teacher Shi, let’s sing. You promised to give me lessons.”
“It’s late now, it might disturb others.”
“The room is soundproofed very well, Teacher Shi.”
“But I have had a bit too much to drink.”
“That’s even better, the songs we sing will definitely be intoxicated.”
Although it was called a ‘lesson’ for Sheng Xia, Shi Ye soon found out that Sheng Xia didn’t really need anyone to teach him.
Musical sense and talent were things that couldn’t be forced. As soon as Sheng Xia’s hand touched the piano, and he played a short passage spontaneously, Shi Ye knew that Sheng Xia was the kind of person who was blessed by nature.
It was quite magical. He started with a prelude that sounded familiar to Shi Ye, somewhat like a comforting song, but when he let go, it became his own style. The charm of music is indescribable, but anyway, by the time Shi Ye reacted, he had already picked up Sheng Xia’s acoustic guitar next to him and started playing along with him.
Meeting a worthy opponent gave a sense of showing off and competition. Sheng Xia was a bit hesitant at first, but as time went on, he became more and more proficient. Initially led by Shi Ye, he later played with ease.
Improvisation requires effort, and collaboration requires the utmost tacit understanding. Despite having collaborated with many people in his own band, Shi Ye had never felt such a smooth feeling before.
Sheng Xia even knew where he wanted to change the tone and where to emphasize, where to progress.
With the music, Sheng Xia slowly got into the mood. Shi Ye could feel him stretching out, losing his usual lukewarm demeanor, as if he had been awakened… he began to hum along with the music, without lyrics, but it sounded really good.
Shi Ye admitted that Sheng Xia was quite charming when singing. He was different from Shen Zui, who had a naturally melodious voice and was more of a performer type, sometimes overly focused on the aesthetics of the performance. But Sheng Xia was different; when he sang, he was immersed, as if entering another world, even forgetting his own existence, very focused, as if he didn’t even realize he was singing for others.
Their synchronization made Shi Ye feel incredible.
When the music stopped, they both fell silent for a moment, neither speaking a word.
He strummed the strings and said, “You sing very well, and you play the piano very well too.”
Sheng Xia was touching his fingertips, and his eyes brightened instantly upon hearing this. “Really?”
“Yes, really, but you can be even better,” Shi Ye pondered for a moment. “As a performer, if you step onto the stage facing the audience, you have to remember that you are an entertainer. Singing is composed of both ‘singing’ and ‘performing’. You mentioned before that you have your favorite bands. Think about it, don’t different band vocalists have their own styles when performing? Those styles are magnified on stage and perceived by the audience. Remember, what you want the audience to remember about you depends on your self-will. I feel like you lack that, a bit empty.”
Sheng Xia didn’t quite agree after hearing this. “I’ve always thought that as long as you sing well on stage, that’s enough. There’s no need for too much movement.”
“I used to think like you too, that singing well is enough, but singing is not just about opening your mouth and making sounds,” Shi Ye didn’t have much patience as he disliked arguing with others. “You should watch more live performances of legendary singers, observe how they interact with the audience, how they reveal their little habits and charms during performances… Those are all part of the performance. You’re not just singing, you’re conveying yourself to the audience.”
“But I don’t have anything to convey,” Sheng Xia said casually, driven by alcohol but also genuine. “When I sing, it’s just me. If the audience can perceive me, it’s fate. If they can’t, it just means we’re not meant to be. I’ve always felt that the feelings music brings to people are indescribable, just like time. Teacher Shi Ye, can you see time? It exists, but we can’t see it. I think there are some things in this world that are mysterious and beautiful, and music is one of them.”
Shi Ye listened, somewhat bewildered.
Unable to see, unable to touch, unable to be captured in the three-dimensional world, unable to be measured.
“There are many things you can talk about, not knowing what to chat about, you can even chat with the audience about what color socks you’re wearing today, or what color you are today,” Shi Ye knew he had convinced him, but he continued in an educational tone, “Don’t deny what you want to convey. What you find boring, others may find interesting.”
After hearing this, Sheng Xia smiled and said he understood.
“Singing so well, it’s a pity to just play in the room for yourself,” Shi Ye didn’t know what he was thinking, feeling a bit emotional. “This age of yours is the best time. Playing music and singing in places where no one sees you, I always feel it’s a bit of a waste, time is so precious.”
“But you heard me sing,” Sheng Xia’s tone was quite cheerful, tinged with drunkenness and drowsiness. “I never dreamed of being able to play music together with you. How could this be a waste of time? I always feel that when I’m with you, time feels more like time.”
Shi Ye’s fingers pressed against the strings paused, and he furrowed his brows unconsciously.
He looked at Sheng Xia’s profile, somewhat puzzled… Was this kid doing it intentionally or unintentionally?
Flirting with me?
Seems like it, yet not quite.
Many people had told Shi Ye things like “You’re my idol, I love your songs, I admire you,” but few had looked at him with such devout eyes, saying “You are my dream.”
At first glance, the word “dream” seemed childish, like a bubble, much like Sheng Xia himself, naive. After all, dreams in this era were cheap. But Shi Ye couldn’t deny that that naive and dreamy word had touched a soft spot in his heart, and also pricked at his current situation.
It seemed to have triggered something else. Such as some vanity, and some sense of possession.
From Shi Ye’s perspective, the scene was actually quite beautiful. The expensive piano, warm lighting. Surrounded by instruments that made him feel familiar, every touch of the fingers was like a movement of a musical piece. It was night, there was a bed opposite, and in front of him was a boy who had confessed his admiration for him. This boy was handsome, with a look on his face that seemed to convey sacrifice, as if saying he was willing to die for this moment.
On the other side, Sheng Xia was still immersed in the successful collaboration just now, and he asked again, “Teacher Shi Ye, are you still continuing?”
At this moment, he really looked like his teacher. Shi Ye had lived for more than twenty years, and for the first time, he felt that he actually had the talent to teach someone, which was quite touching.
Strangely, he seemed to have found something missing in Sheng Xia. But what exactly was missing, he couldn’t quite articulate.
“Not for now,” Shi Ye propped his chin on the piano, half-leaning on it. “I feel strange. It’s the first time I feel like I’m performing a duet with myself. Not that I’m being conceited, but there really aren’t many who can keep up with me.”
His tone was calm, even a bit exploratory.
Sheng Xia was actually a bit nervous. He knew Shi Ye could sense why he could effortlessly keep up with his rhythm…
It was because he was too familiar with Shi Ye’s style. In Sheng Xia’s long and mundane adolescence, he repeatedly treated every note written by Shi Ye as his own source of enjoyment. He might not understand Shi Ye, but he fully understood every bit of his music.
Shi Ye asked again, “Are you intentionally imitating me?”
Sheng Xia’s heart tensed and relaxed again, and he felt like smoking.
“Sort of,” Sheng Xia thought to himself, you don’t understand, that’s right, and I don’t need you to understand. “As I said, it’s because of listening to your songs that I started to like rock music and singing. I have no direction, so I’ve been watching you and striving because of you.”
It wasn’t imitation, it was just that Shi Ye was too unique in his heart, so Sheng Xia understood his music even better than he understood himself.
“But you won’t become me, you are yourself,” Shi Ye looked a bit annoyed, “Imitating others is impossible to succeed, remember that.”
Sheng Xia thought to himself, I don’t want to succeed, is it not good to become like you?
He felt a bit lost, and then touched the piano keys, saying, “Teacher Shi Ye, I really like you.”
These words made Shi Ye’s heart skip a beat, and he even confirmed again, “What did you say?”
“I said I really like you,” Sheng Xia’s tone was firm, “for a long time.”
Shi Ye frowned, then chuckled, “You’re drunk.”
Sheng Xia just muttered in rebuttal, “I’m not.”
Sadly, what they currently understood by “like” was not in the same sense.
They finished the bottle of whiskey, whether they were drunk or not, no one could say.
After a while, Sheng Xia unfolded the mat standing by the bed and laid it under the piano. They sat on it, drinking the second bottle of plum wine without much conversation.
The more Shi Ye drank, the brighter his eyes became, and his blood slowly heated up.
Late at night, alcohol, tobacco.
He lay on the mat, listening to his own heartbeat.
Sometimes Shi Ye wished he could be understood, and sometimes he felt it wasn’t necessary. Music sometimes filled him up, sometimes killed him, sometimes it was comforting, sometimes it was poison.
Every time he drank, he felt a scattered sense of loss. When he talked to himself at night, he felt bewildered… he seemed to be just a role he played, a symbol, a story, that wasn’t truly himself.
“Why do you like rock?” At this moment, he felt it was good that someone could listen to him.
Sheng Xia sat cross-legged next to Shi Ye, answering slowly, “The reason I like something isn’t that complicated, I just simply think it’s good. When I was young, I wasn’t very sociable, and there weren’t many things to play with in a small place, so I played musical instruments. I still remember when my mom bought me a hulusi at first, I was just in kindergarten, while other kids were playing marbles on the side, I was learning to play ‘Yunnan Color Clouds’ beside them.”
Sheng Xia felt hot all over. Whether it was the alcohol making his body warm, or a fever, or the weather, or something else entirely.
Dizziness.
“You don’t look like you’re into rock,” Shi Ye said, “You actually seem more suited for pop.”
Sheng Xia shrugged, “Oh, because I don’t have piercings, tattoos, or leather pants, I don’t look like I’m into rock, so I can’t like rock?”
“I mean the feeling of rock,” Shi Ye shook his head, “You’re a bit soft.”
“It’s the first time someone said that to me,” Sheng Xia was a bit surprised, “My classmates always say I’m aloof.”
Shi Ye twisted his wrist, and Sheng Xia saw the shape of Shi Ye’s scapula protruding. The mature male body was somewhat different from the body of a teenager. Sheng Xia found every movement Shi Ye made to be handsome, powerful, like a wild leopard ready to pounce and tear you apart at any moment.
It seamlessly overlapped with the image of Shi Ye he had seen in his phone. His expression was always icy, with a hint of disdain. He was handsome, tall, almost 1.9 meters tall, one of the top guitarists on the mainland, a genius who emerged from the underground scene, the most dazzling star in the band.
“I don’t feel it, you seem to laugh a lot,” Shi Ye’s tone was lazy, casual, “You have a good demeanor when you sing, but when you’re not singing and talking to me, you… seem a bit silly.”
“Is that so,” Sheng Xia watched as Shi Ye drank water with his head tilted back, his Adam’s apple bobbing, “I don’t usually laugh much, and I don’t like talking to strangers.”
Young people are all like this, Shi Ye thought. He smiled, “You said you didn’t take piano exams, didn’t have a teacher, just played by yourself. If you practice alone, many people probably wouldn’t persist.”
“Actually, I shouldn’t say ‘played’, it’s more like they accompany me. My piano is my friend,” Sheng Xia closed his eyes, feeling his brain becoming muddled, “But it seems like playing too, being with friends is for playing, for being happy.”
“Playing,” Shi Ye repeated the word with his eyes closed, “Happy. Since playing is for being happy, then why do you like ‘Aviator’? I seem to haven’t written many happy songs.”
Sheng Xia was stunned for a long time and didn’t answer the question. He started to daydream again. These days, Shi Ye found that sometimes when he was talking to Sheng Xia, the kid would start to think divergently, and he didn’t know what he was thinking.
Shi Ye waited for a while, but Sheng Xia still didn’t answer, so he closed his eyes and felt the drunkenness.
Then he heard a noise above his head. When he opened his eyes, he saw Sheng Xia holding a hook pole, pushing open the skylight above them.
He wasn’t wearing glasses, and he seemed to have trouble seeing clearly, as his movements were clumsy. Shi Ye couldn’t be bothered to move, so he watched as Sheng Xia slowly opened the skylight, revealing a small piece of sky and the stars in the sky.
The wind came in.
The weather was good, and there were quite a few stars. But Shi Ye hated looking at stars, extremely hated it.
He took another sip of alcohol, then lay down and closed his eyes again.
Sheng Xia also lay down. The excitement from the alcohol had passed, and now he was getting more and more tired and exhausted. Combined with the medicine he took for the fever and the aftereffects of the alcohol, he now felt his consciousness becoming muddled.
“Teacher Shi Ye, I was still in junior high when I first heard your song,” Sheng Xia’s voice was slurred, “I have a bad memory, but I remember it very clearly… It was a Monday morning, second period, during the break, the school broadcast played your song, ‘Universe.’ I happened to be hiding in the equipment room smoking… I had just learned to smoke, and I wasn’t proficient yet, so I would get dizzy after smoking. That day, when I heard your song, I couldn’t stand up, as if I was possessed. Later, I even forgot to go back to the classroom and just stayed there in a daze for two periods, not even hearing the bell ring.”
Shi Ye opened his eyes.
“Is that so,” he heard himself say, “You like universe.”
He stared at the starry sky, speaking in a declarative tone.
Sheng Xia watched the stars through the small window with him.
He couldn’t see clearly, but the stars seemed to have a faint light in his eyes. Fragmented, squinting, he could see the outline.
“I like it, I think universe sounds quite like you,” Sheng Xia’s voice sounded increasingly blurry, “I like universe because it has no emotions, it’s cold, operates on its own orbit, and is vast enough to contain everything, orderly yet disorderly… Broad, vast, profound, merciless and lonely. It sounds very cold, it seems to be all in cold tones, without warmth.”
Shi Ye responded quickly, “When the universe has temperature, it’s probably the Big Bang.”
“Ah…” Sheng Xia slurred, “When it explodes, we’ll die.”
Shi Ye took a deep breath, then exhaled slowly.
“Yeah, we’ll die.”
“Stars explode too,” Sheng Xia continued with a solemn tone, “One explodes, one less star. In that moment of explosion, the moment of disappearance… it’s also the most brilliant moment.”
Shi Ye stared at that small piece of stars, his mouth twitching with a hint of self-mockery.
“Do you know why the band is called Aviator?” Sheng Xia shook his head on the mat, making a rustling sound.
He was about to fall asleep, too tired.
“I have a… good friend, a very good friend, who inspired me to start a band and make music.”
Shi Ye in the night seemed a bit tired, his voice hoarse, sounding unexpectedly old.
“His dad was an astronomer, always taking him to see the stars, the moon, telling him about constellations, telling stories about the universe.”
“His dad was really good to him. At that time, my friend’s dream was to become an astronaut, or to be an astronomer like his dad. Either flying in the sky or studying stars and the universe on the ground.”
Sheng Xia became increasingly sleepy. He tried to listen to Shi Ye, but his consciousness felt as heavy as lead, dragging him down. He was hot and tired, and couldn’t hear Shi Ye’s words clearly.
“Then his parents got divorced. His dad went abroad, and he only called him three times in over ten years. His mom didn’t care about him anymore either, probably because seeing him would remind her of that unhappy relationship.” Shi Ye’s voice was calm, but he spoke faster and faster, “Then he became strange, living miserably, not letting people get close to him, nor did he get close to others.”
“But later, he formed a band, still related to his dad, and surprisingly named it Aviator.” Shi Ye sighed as if lamenting, “And he never told anyone. He thought he didn’t care, he was strong and tough, but when life started to get tough, he realized that the world could really abandon you in an instant, no one would want you, anyone could suddenly have nothing.”
The room was quiet.
Shi Ye somehow remembered all the different people he had encountered in the journeys of his past. He was drunk, talking to an underage kid on a midsummer night, lightly speaking of tomorrow, the future, applause, honors, love and hate. Like that saying: quarrel with the one you love, confide in strangers.
No, he didn’t have anyone he loved.
Invisible, unknowable, immeasurable.
“Are you listening?”
He asked softly, but when he turned to look, he found that Sheng Xia had already closed his eyes, his cheeks flushed, as if he had been asleep for a long time.
He stared at that face for a long time.
He heard his own heartbeat and palpitations, he heard something calling out, and he also heard something longing.
Moonlight shone on them, and at that moment, he felt more scorching than sunlight.
“I’m drunk,” Shi Ye whispered to himself in the sound of his heartbeat.
Then he leaned down quickly, lightly kissing the sleeping Sheng Xia in the night.
—That feeling was like an epiphany.
It was like meeting the world for the first time, but it seemed like you’re about to leave immediately. It was the first time you opened your eyes and saw the brightest place in the world, and you landed there. Everything around you is calling you, embracing you… So this is what desire was like, it was like this. The reason for crying, laughing, all of this now had an answer.
After being suddenly struck by this dizzying power, Shi Ye suddenly realized that he had now seen this kind of epiphany.
“Where do you think I am?”
Shi Ye impatiently spoke into the phone, “Let me ask you, Shen Zui, have you memorized the lyrics for the tour? Is now the time for you to discuss going on variety shows with me? Do you think our band is suitable for that kind of program? Did I not speak clearly before I left? Do you feel I wasn’t harsh enough?”
“Fame? You want to be even more famous? Have you had your pubic hair grown out yet?”
After hearing the response, Shi Ye laughed, “Am I restricting you? Yes, indeed I am. I’ve made it clear to you before that both Zhong, Xiao and I are purely musicians, only interested in playing instruments and singing. We’re not good with those empty-headed things. Shen Zui, don’t follow blindly.”
“Don’t piss me off again.”
After knocking on the attic door, the first thing Sheng Xia heard was this sentence.
Shi Ye saw Sheng Xia nodding towards him to enter the room, then he hung up the phone.
“Why are you wearing a mask so late at night?” Probably still in a bad mood from before, Shi Ye frowned, his tone not very good.
In front of him, Sheng Xia was wearing a bear-patterned pajama with a denim jacket on top. His face was not clearly visible, only his eyes.
Sheng Xia paused for a moment before saying, “Got sunburned, doesn’t look good.”
Shi Ye initially wanted him to take it off, but his hands were faster than his mouth. After realizing it, he had already reached out and removed Sheng Xia’s mask. “Be more careful, wearing it all day is bad for the wound. Aren’t you afraid of festering in this hot weather? Do you also wear it while sleeping?”
“…Doesn’t look good.” Sheng Xia still said, “I take it off when I sleep.”
“Who’s going to see you? Right now, it’s just me looking at you, isn’t it?” Shi Ye still frowned, “Why are you looking down? Are you listening to me? Look up—”
Sheng Xia felt embarrassed because only Shi Ye was looking at him now, making him feel ashamed.
Reluctantly, he raised his scar-covered face, “I heard you.”
“You heard me, but will you forget it once you’ve heard?” Shi Ye’s current demeanor was very much like a parent educating a child, “I have to remind you several times every day these days, telling you not to smoke. It’s not good for your throat or your health. You pretend to be okay during the day but sneak off to smoke at night, right?”
Sheng Xia maintained an awkward smile, “Teacher Shi Ye, I…”
Shi Ye interrupted him, “Do you have cigarettes on you?”
“…Huh?”
“Do you have cigarettes on you?”
Shi Ye was actually a bit tipsy.
When he couldn’t sleep, he was used to having some alcohol, trying to sleep when feeling a bit dizzy. However, sometimes drinking made him even sleepier, while other times it made him more alert, depending on the situation. Like today, he was more awake after drinking.
He turned the bottle on the piano, then looked at Sheng Xia in front of him. But his mind was elsewhere. Many fragmented memories, scenes from the tour, the faces of strangers during the journey, Shen Zui and his girlfriend kissing.
A mess.
After dawdling for a while, Sheng Xia finally took out a pack of Soft Zhens and a box of matches from his pocket and handed them to Shi Ye.
“I don’t think smoking is that bad,” Sheng Xia seemed a bit unsure but still attempted to argue, “I feel like cigarettes are my friend, they make me feel safe. I need them, and they need me.”
This nonsensical argument was surprisingly similar to Shen Zui’s nonsense.
Shi Ye took out a cigarette, lit it, and leaned against the piano, smoking.
Sheng Xia was momentarily stunned because Shi Ye’s way of lighting the cigarette was very skillful, and his movements were graceful and attractive. Before he could recover, Shi Ye had already blown a beautiful smoke ring.
The round smoke ring floated over. When it was about to reach Sheng Xia’s face, Shi Ye exhaled again, blowing the circle apart.
The smoke scattered in front of Sheng Xia. The smell of smoke and Shi Ye’s breath enveloped his face.
“I smoked for the first time when I was twelve, in the school toilet, handed to me by a classmate,” Shi Ye’s voice was a bit hoarse, “I used to smoke heavily when I was upset, about one or two packs a day. At first, I didn’t think much about it, I also thought cigarettes were my friends… But the body can’t lie, last year I couldn’t sing because of smoking.”
He exaggerated. Actually, not being able to sing was not directly related to smoking. But after damaging his throat, he really couldn’t smoke too much.
The main reason for his vocal cord damage diagnosis was excessive stress and psychological factors. Shi Ye himself found it amusing to listen to.
“Before you decide to accept something, you need to know and understand what it is, and what consequences it will bring to you,” Shi Ye lazily smiled. “Just like when I first smoked a cigarette, I never thought that one day I would start resenting nicotine.”
Sheng Xia didn’t know if he took it in, he just stared blankly at Shi Ye. When the other’s gaze turned towards him, he slowly said, “Shi Ye, Teacher Shi, please don’t smoke.”
Shi Ye found his reaction amusing and asked, “Can you blow smoke rings?”
Sheng Xia shook his head.
“Let me teach you.” After saying that, Shi Ye handed him a cigarette, struck another match, moved the flame towards Sheng Xia’s face, and said, “Light it.”
Sheng Xia was wearing quite a lot, and by now the effects of the medicine had kicked in. He felt a bit weak, with his head feeling hot.
He leaned in closer and lit the cigarette he held between his lips.
Aside from the smell of smoke, he seemed to catch a faint scent from Shi Ye. It was somewhat bitter but also had a hint of sweetness, like licorice.
It might have been an illusion, as he shouldn’t have been able to smell it.
“Inhale,” Shi Ye said as he demonstrated, “Hold your breath, keep your mouth in an ‘O’ shape… Don’t puff out your cheeks like that, just keep it natural.”
“Inhale half, exhale half, then slowly exhale the smoke, like you do in winter when you can see your breath… slower…” Shi Ye watched Sheng Xia’s movements. “Try it a few times.”
Sheng Xia’s face didn’t look good at this moment, quite comical. Besides the sunburn, his ears were also red.
The first attempt at learning failed. Shi Ye patiently taught him a a few more times, but seeing that his mouth shape was always wrong, he decided to form a circle with his fingers, leaving a gap in the middle, and placed it on Sheng Xia’s lips.
“Open your mouth to the size of my finger circle and try exhaling,” Shi Ye thought this was a bit silly, “Why are you looking at me? Exhale.”
Sheng Xia felt his mouth trembling, and then he was choked by the smoke he inhaled. In the end, he didn’t exhale the smoke rings as Shi Ye wanted to see, but nearly choked himself to death.
Seeing Sheng Xia turning red from coughing, Shi Ye thought he needed to discipline this teenager. While Sheng Xia was covering his face and coughing, Shi Ye poured a glass of whiskey from the bottle he bought at Xie Hong’s shop and handed it to Sheng Xia, saying, “Drink some, it’ll help.”
Sheng Xia didn’t suspect anything and felt his throat bitter from the coughing. He took the glass and gulped down most of it.
After swallowing it, he felt his throat burning like it was on fire, making him even more uncomfortable. When he looked up at Shi Ye again, there was a hint of complaint in his eyes.
“Feeling uncomfortable, huh?” Shi Ye reached for the glass in Sheng Xia’s hand, “Once it’s uncomfortable, don’t drink it, neither cigarettes nor alcohol are things you should touch, you’re still young, let’s not talk about it until later.”
But Shi Ye couldn’t take the glass away. Sheng Xia gripped the glass tightly, not letting him take it back, “I’m not young anymore, I can drink.”
Shi Ye looked at him for a moment, then lazily smiled and loosened his grip.
“Teacher Shi, I have something to tell you.”
“I’m not stopping you from speaking.”
Sheng Xia finished the drink in his glass in one gulp, “Do you think I can become as good a singer-songwriter as you?”
“No.”
“…,” Sheng Xia was silenced by Shi Ye’s straightforwardness, lowered his head a bit, and poured himself another drink, “…So I never thought about forming a band and releasing albums, because I know I can never become as talented a singer-songwriter as you, so I feel it’s better not to embarrass myself.”
“That sounds childish,” Shi Ye chuckled, “There are still many great bands in this world, and I have been influenced by many excellent musicians. Do I feel inferior just because they are outstanding?”
“Not exactly… it’s just that if I were to form a band, I wouldn’t want to just casually recruit a few people I don’t really know. I feel like we should at least understand each other.” After saying that, Sheng Xia touched the nearby piano suddenly. “Teacher Shi, let’s sing. You promised to give me lessons.”
“It’s late now, it might disturb others.”
“The room is soundproofed very well, Teacher Shi.”
“But I have had a bit too much to drink.”
“That’s even better, the songs we sing will definitely be intoxicated.”
Although it was called a ‘lesson’ for Sheng Xia, Shi Ye soon found out that Sheng Xia didn’t really need anyone to teach him.
Musical sense and talent were things that couldn’t be forced. As soon as Sheng Xia’s hand touched the piano, and he played a short passage spontaneously, Shi Ye knew that Sheng Xia was the kind of person who was blessed by nature.
It was quite magical. He started with a prelude that sounded familiar to Shi Ye, somewhat like a comforting song, but when he let go, it became his own style. The charm of music is indescribable, but anyway, by the time Shi Ye reacted, he had already picked up Sheng Xia’s acoustic guitar next to him and started playing along with him.
Meeting a worthy opponent gave a sense of showing off and competition. Sheng Xia was a bit hesitant at first, but as time went on, he became more and more proficient. Initially led by Shi Ye, he later played with ease.
Improvisation requires effort, and collaboration requires the utmost tacit understanding. Despite having collaborated with many people in his own band, Shi Ye had never felt such a smooth feeling before.
Sheng Xia even knew where he wanted to change the tone and where to emphasize, where to progress.
With the music, Sheng Xia slowly got into the mood. Shi Ye could feel him stretching out, losing his usual lukewarm demeanor, as if he had been awakened… he began to hum along with the music, without lyrics, but it sounded really good.
Shi Ye admitted that Sheng Xia was quite charming when singing. He was different from Shen Zui, who had a naturally melodious voice and was more of a performer type, sometimes overly focused on the aesthetics of the performance. But Sheng Xia was different; when he sang, he was immersed, as if entering another world, even forgetting his own existence, very focused, as if he didn’t even realize he was singing for others.
Their synchronization made Shi Ye feel incredible.
When the music stopped, they both fell silent for a moment, neither speaking a word.
He strummed the strings and said, “You sing very well, and you play the piano very well too.”
Sheng Xia was touching his fingertips, and his eyes brightened instantly upon hearing this. “Really?”
“Yes, really, but you can be even better,” Shi Ye pondered for a moment. “As a performer, if you step onto the stage facing the audience, you have to remember that you are an entertainer. Singing is composed of both ‘singing’ and ‘performing’. You mentioned before that you have your favorite bands. Think about it, don’t different band vocalists have their own styles when performing? Those styles are magnified on stage and perceived by the audience. Remember, what you want the audience to remember about you depends on your self-will. I feel like you lack that, a bit empty.”
Sheng Xia didn’t quite agree after hearing this. “I’ve always thought that as long as you sing well on stage, that’s enough. There’s no need for too much movement.”
“I used to think like you too, that singing well is enough, but singing is not just about opening your mouth and making sounds,” Shi Ye didn’t have much patience as he disliked arguing with others. “You should watch more live performances of legendary singers, observe how they interact with the audience, how they reveal their little habits and charms during performances… Those are all part of the performance. You’re not just singing, you’re conveying yourself to the audience.”
“But I don’t have anything to convey,” Sheng Xia said casually, driven by alcohol but also genuine. “When I sing, it’s just me. If the audience can perceive me, it’s fate. If they can’t, it just means we’re not meant to be. I’ve always felt that the feelings music brings to people are indescribable, just like time. Teacher Shi Ye, can you see time? It exists, but we can’t see it. I think there are some things in this world that are mysterious and beautiful, and music is one of them.”
Shi Ye listened, somewhat bewildered.
Unable to see, unable to touch, unable to be captured in the three-dimensional world, unable to be measured.
“There are many things you can talk about, not knowing what to chat about, you can even chat with the audience about what color socks you’re wearing today, or what color you are today,” Shi Ye knew he had convinced him, but he continued in an educational tone, “Don’t deny what you want to convey. What you find boring, others may find interesting.”
After hearing this, Sheng Xia smiled and said he understood.
“Singing so well, it’s a pity to just play in the room for yourself,” Shi Ye didn’t know what he was thinking, feeling a bit emotional. “This age of yours is the best time. Playing music and singing in places where no one sees you, I always feel it’s a bit of a waste, time is so precious.”
“But you heard me sing,” Sheng Xia’s tone was quite cheerful, tinged with drunkenness and drowsiness. “I never dreamed of being able to play music together with you. How could this be a waste of time? I always feel that when I’m with you, time feels more like time.”
Shi Ye’s fingers pressed against the strings paused, and he furrowed his brows unconsciously.
He looked at Sheng Xia’s profile, somewhat puzzled… Was this kid doing it intentionally or unintentionally?
Flirting with me?
Seems like it, yet not quite.
Many people had told Shi Ye things like “You’re my idol, I love your songs, I admire you,” but few had looked at him with such devout eyes, saying “You are my dream.”
At first glance, the word “dream” seemed childish, like a bubble, much like Sheng Xia himself, naive. After all, dreams in this era were cheap. But Shi Ye couldn’t deny that that naive and dreamy word had touched a soft spot in his heart, and also pricked at his current situation.
It seemed to have triggered something else. Such as some vanity, and some sense of possession.
From Shi Ye’s perspective, the scene was actually quite beautiful. The expensive piano, warm lighting. Surrounded by instruments that made him feel familiar, every touch of the fingers was like a movement of a musical piece. It was night, there was a bed opposite, and in front of him was a boy who had confessed his admiration for him. This boy was handsome, with a look on his face that seemed to convey sacrifice, as if saying he was willing to die for this moment.
On the other side, Sheng Xia was still immersed in the successful collaboration just now, and he asked again, “Teacher Shi Ye, are you still continuing?”
At this moment, he really looked like his teacher. Shi Ye had lived for more than twenty years, and for the first time, he felt that he actually had the talent to teach someone, which was quite touching.
Strangely, he seemed to have found something missing in Sheng Xia. But what exactly was missing, he couldn’t quite articulate.
“Not for now,” Shi Ye propped his chin on the piano, half-leaning on it. “I feel strange. It’s the first time I feel like I’m performing a duet with myself. Not that I’m being conceited, but there really aren’t many who can keep up with me.”
His tone was calm, even a bit exploratory.
Sheng Xia was actually a bit nervous. He knew Shi Ye could sense why he could effortlessly keep up with his rhythm…
It was because he was too familiar with Shi Ye’s style. In Sheng Xia’s long and mundane adolescence, he repeatedly treated every note written by Shi Ye as his own source of enjoyment. He might not understand Shi Ye, but he fully understood every bit of his music.
Shi Ye asked again, “Are you intentionally imitating me?”
Sheng Xia’s heart tensed and relaxed again, and he felt like smoking.
“Sort of,” Sheng Xia thought to himself, you don’t understand, that’s right, and I don’t need you to understand. “As I said, it’s because of listening to your songs that I started to like rock music and singing. I have no direction, so I’ve been watching you and striving because of you.”
It wasn’t imitation, it was just that Shi Ye was too unique in his heart, so Sheng Xia understood his music even better than he understood himself.
“But you won’t become me, you are yourself,” Shi Ye looked a bit annoyed, “Imitating others is impossible to succeed, remember that.”
Sheng Xia thought to himself, I don’t want to succeed, is it not good to become like you?
He felt a bit lost, and then touched the piano keys, saying, “Teacher Shi Ye, I really like you.”
These words made Shi Ye’s heart skip a beat, and he even confirmed again, “What did you say?”
“I said I really like you,” Sheng Xia’s tone was firm, “for a long time.”
Shi Ye frowned, then chuckled, “You’re drunk.”
Sheng Xia just muttered in rebuttal, “I’m not.”
Sadly, what they currently understood by “like” was not in the same sense.
They finished the bottle of whiskey, whether they were drunk or not, no one could say.
After a while, Sheng Xia unfolded the mat standing by the bed and laid it under the piano. They sat on it, drinking the second bottle of plum wine without much conversation.
The more Shi Ye drank, the brighter his eyes became, and his blood slowly heated up.
Late at night, alcohol, tobacco.
He lay on the mat, listening to his own heartbeat.
Sometimes Shi Ye wished he could be understood, and sometimes he felt it wasn’t necessary. Music sometimes filled him up, sometimes killed him, sometimes it was comforting, sometimes it was poison.
Every time he drank, he felt a scattered sense of loss. When he talked to himself at night, he felt bewildered… he seemed to be just a role he played, a symbol, a story, that wasn’t truly himself.
“Why do you like rock?” At this moment, he felt it was good that someone could listen to him.
Sheng Xia sat cross-legged next to Shi Ye, answering slowly, “The reason I like something isn’t that complicated, I just simply think it’s good. When I was young, I wasn’t very sociable, and there weren’t many things to play with in a small place, so I played musical instruments. I still remember when my mom bought me a hulusi at first, I was just in kindergarten, while other kids were playing marbles on the side, I was learning to play ‘Yunnan Color Clouds’ beside them.”
Sheng Xia felt hot all over. Whether it was the alcohol making his body warm, or a fever, or the weather, or something else entirely.
Dizziness.
“You don’t look like you’re into rock,” Shi Ye said, “You actually seem more suited for pop.”
Sheng Xia shrugged, “Oh, because I don’t have piercings, tattoos, or leather pants, I don’t look like I’m into rock, so I can’t like rock?”
“I mean the feeling of rock,” Shi Ye shook his head, “You’re a bit soft.”
“It’s the first time someone said that to me,” Sheng Xia was a bit surprised, “My classmates always say I’m aloof.”
Shi Ye twisted his wrist, and Sheng Xia saw the shape of Shi Ye’s scapula protruding. The mature male body was somewhat different from the body of a teenager. Sheng Xia found every movement Shi Ye made to be handsome, powerful, like a wild leopard ready to pounce and tear you apart at any moment.
It seamlessly overlapped with the image of Shi Ye he had seen in his phone. His expression was always icy, with a hint of disdain. He was handsome, tall, almost 1.9 meters tall, one of the top guitarists on the mainland, a genius who emerged from the underground scene, the most dazzling star in the band.
“I don’t feel it, you seem to laugh a lot,” Shi Ye’s tone was lazy, casual, “You have a good demeanor when you sing, but when you’re not singing and talking to me, you… seem a bit silly.”
“Is that so,” Sheng Xia watched as Shi Ye drank water with his head tilted back, his Adam’s apple bobbing, “I don’t usually laugh much, and I don’t like talking to strangers.”
Young people are all like this, Shi Ye thought. He smiled, “You said you didn’t take piano exams, didn’t have a teacher, just played by yourself. If you practice alone, many people probably wouldn’t persist.”
“Actually, I shouldn’t say ‘played’, it’s more like they accompany me. My piano is my friend,” Sheng Xia closed his eyes, feeling his brain becoming muddled, “But it seems like playing too, being with friends is for playing, for being happy.”
“Playing,” Shi Ye repeated the word with his eyes closed, “Happy. Since playing is for being happy, then why do you like ‘Aviator’? I seem to haven’t written many happy songs.”
Sheng Xia was stunned for a long time and didn’t answer the question. He started to daydream again. These days, Shi Ye found that sometimes when he was talking to Sheng Xia, the kid would start to think divergently, and he didn’t know what he was thinking.
Shi Ye waited for a while, but Sheng Xia still didn’t answer, so he closed his eyes and felt the drunkenness.
Then he heard a noise above his head. When he opened his eyes, he saw Sheng Xia holding a hook pole, pushing open the skylight above them.
He wasn’t wearing glasses, and he seemed to have trouble seeing clearly, as his movements were clumsy. Shi Ye couldn’t be bothered to move, so he watched as Sheng Xia slowly opened the skylight, revealing a small piece of sky and the stars in the sky.
The wind came in.
The weather was good, and there were quite a few stars. But Shi Ye hated looking at stars, extremely hated it.
He took another sip of alcohol, then lay down and closed his eyes again.
Sheng Xia also lay down. The excitement from the alcohol had passed, and now he was getting more and more tired and exhausted. Combined with the medicine he took for the fever and the aftereffects of the alcohol, he now felt his consciousness becoming muddled.
“Teacher Shi Ye, I was still in junior high when I first heard your song,” Sheng Xia’s voice was slurred, “I have a bad memory, but I remember it very clearly… It was a Monday morning, second period, during the break, the school broadcast played your song, ‘Universe.’ I happened to be hiding in the equipment room smoking… I had just learned to smoke, and I wasn’t proficient yet, so I would get dizzy after smoking. That day, when I heard your song, I couldn’t stand up, as if I was possessed. Later, I even forgot to go back to the classroom and just stayed there in a daze for two periods, not even hearing the bell ring.”
Shi Ye opened his eyes.
“Is that so,” he heard himself say, “You like universe.”
He stared at the starry sky, speaking in a declarative tone.
Sheng Xia watched the stars through the small window with him.
He couldn’t see clearly, but the stars seemed to have a faint light in his eyes. Fragmented, squinting, he could see the outline.
“I like it, I think universe sounds quite like you,” Sheng Xia’s voice sounded increasingly blurry, “I like universe because it has no emotions, it’s cold, operates on its own orbit, and is vast enough to contain everything, orderly yet disorderly… Broad, vast, profound, merciless and lonely. It sounds very cold, it seems to be all in cold tones, without warmth.”
Shi Ye responded quickly, “When the universe has temperature, it’s probably the Big Bang.”
“Ah…” Sheng Xia slurred, “When it explodes, we’ll die.”
Shi Ye took a deep breath, then exhaled slowly.
“Yeah, we’ll die.”
“Stars explode too,” Sheng Xia continued with a solemn tone, “One explodes, one less star. In that moment of explosion, the moment of disappearance… it’s also the most brilliant moment.”
Shi Ye stared at that small piece of stars, his mouth twitching with a hint of self-mockery.
“Do you know why the band is called Aviator?” Sheng Xia shook his head on the mat, making a rustling sound.
He was about to fall asleep, too tired.
“I have a… good friend, a very good friend, who inspired me to start a band and make music.”
Shi Ye in the night seemed a bit tired, his voice hoarse, sounding unexpectedly old.
“His dad was an astronomer, always taking him to see the stars, the moon, telling him about constellations, telling stories about the universe.”
“His dad was really good to him. At that time, my friend’s dream was to become an astronaut, or to be an astronomer like his dad. Either flying in the sky or studying stars and the universe on the ground.”
Sheng Xia became increasingly sleepy. He tried to listen to Shi Ye, but his consciousness felt as heavy as lead, dragging him down. He was hot and tired, and couldn’t hear Shi Ye’s words clearly.
“Then his parents got divorced. His dad went abroad, and he only called him three times in over ten years. His mom didn’t care about him anymore either, probably because seeing him would remind her of that unhappy relationship.” Shi Ye’s voice was calm, but he spoke faster and faster, “Then he became strange, living miserably, not letting people get close to him, nor did he get close to others.”
“But later, he formed a band, still related to his dad, and surprisingly named it Aviator.” Shi Ye sighed as if lamenting, “And he never told anyone. He thought he didn’t care, he was strong and tough, but when life started to get tough, he realized that the world could really abandon you in an instant, no one would want you, anyone could suddenly have nothing.”
The room was quiet.
Shi Ye somehow remembered all the different people he had encountered in the journeys of his past. He was drunk, talking to an underage kid on a midsummer night, lightly speaking of tomorrow, the future, applause, honors, love and hate. Like that saying: quarrel with the one you love, confide in strangers.
No, he didn’t have anyone he loved.
Invisible, unknowable, immeasurable.
“Are you listening?”
He asked softly, but when he turned to look, he found that Sheng Xia had already closed his eyes, his cheeks flushed, as if he had been asleep for a long time.
He stared at that face for a long time.
He heard his own heartbeat and palpitations, he heard something calling out, and he also heard something longing.
Moonlight shone on them, and at that moment, he felt more scorching than sunlight.
“I’m drunk,” Shi Ye whispered to himself in the sound of his heartbeat.
Then he leaned down quickly, lightly kissing the sleeping Sheng Xia in the night.
—That feeling was like an epiphany.
It was like meeting the world for the first time, but it seemed like you’re about to leave immediately. It was the first time you opened your eyes and saw the brightest place in the world, and you landed there. Everything around you is calling you, embracing you… So this is what desire was like, it was like this. The reason for crying, laughing, all of this now had an answer.
After being suddenly struck by this dizzying power, Shi Ye suddenly realized that he had now seen this kind of epiphany.
