Shi Ye didn’t sleep that night.
Actually, when it happened, he knew that perhaps something wrong had already happened to him. If he really had to describe it, he couldn’t accurately convey the true feelings to you. It’s like it happened naturally, but his body’s response was too deliberate. People often make excuses to deceive themselves, and he could too. He could blame that kiss on the stars, the moonlight being beautiful, the alcohol and impulse, or anything else. Anyway, no one would blame a moment of excitement, no one saw it, no one knew about this kiss.
Shi Ye didn’t even know if this counted as a kiss.
His body was soaked with Sheng Xia’s sweat. It was hot, even at night, with the wind, it was still hot. Sweaty, it seemed like there was alcohol in every pore.
Shi Ye sat up straight, then saw Sheng Xia’s eyelashes flutter slightly, his sunburnt face redder than before.
Shi Ye naturally felt that this was shyness. It seemed like an expected reaction, but Shi Ye actually felt a bit dull, because it was expected.
Because of the sunburn, his face looked a bit ridiculous. But still beautiful, at this moment Shi Ye was willing to describe this adolescent belonging to Sheng Xia with the word “beautiful”. He was willing to use beauty to describe something that would make him feel gentle, beauty always makes people feel a bit gentler, whether it’s men or women, sculptures, paintings, music, or art, things that make people feel gentle, that’s beauty.
Even though he was still wearing teddy bear pajamas, it could still be considered beautiful.
In addition to the pajamas, Sheng Xia also wore a denim jacket. He couldn’t understand why he had to wear so much. Shi Ye saw sweat dripping from Sheng Xia’s neck and ears, his forehead was sweaty, it seemed very hot.
“Aren’t you hot?”
No response.
Shi Ye frowned, and then patted Sheng Xia’s back hard, trying to force him awake, whether he was really drunk or pretending to be drunk.
After patting for a long time, Sheng Xia finally opened his eyes to look at Shi Ye, muttered a few words, which Shi Ye couldn’t understand, which seemed to be a local dialect.
He looked at Sheng Xia and asked, “Aren’t you hot?”
Sheng Xia shook his head slowly, opening his eyes lazily.
“Hot.” He finally managed to answer, “And cold.”
Seeing him still sweaty and wearing so much, Shi Ye felt uncomfortable, so he helped him up by supporting his shoulders and helped him take off the denim jacket.
Just after tossing the clothes aside, Shi Ye was tightly embraced by Sheng Xia around the neck.
Both of them were sweaty. At that moment of being embraced, Shi Ye felt like he was surrounded by water, warm water, the kind of temperature suitable for human embrace, sticky.
The person on top felt like a block of tofu, except this tofu was smoked and flavored with a mixture of smoke and alcohol, and the body was unreasonably hot.
Shi Ye felt this scene was inexplicable, so he pulled Sheng Xia’s hand down and murmured softly, “Let go.”
Sheng Xia was burning in a daze, unable to hear anything, but still persistently searching for what he wanted. His hand slid up Shi Ye’s chest, past his neck and face, feeling sweaty as it moved up.
Shi Ye didn’t feel like refusing too much, so he symbolically pulled him away a couple of times and then stopped moving. That hand that had been playing the piano was constantly groping on his body, finally stopping at his ear.
After touching Shi Ye’s earlobe, Sheng Xia finally stopped. He leaned against Shi Ye’s shoulder, gently kneading the small piece of soft flesh on his hand. But it seemed uncomfortable to sleep, at first just leaning against Shi Ye’s side, but later the two somehow ended up stacked together.
Shi Ye felt comfortable being hugged, so he didn’t move. He didn’t think about whether this was drunken coquetry or genuine affection, because Sheng Xia’s body language was all about dependence, as if he really needed him.
“What are you doing?”
No answer.
Shi Ye didn’t know if he was saying it to himself or to Sheng Xia. “You can’t just hug anyone, didn’t your mom teach you that?”
Something soft brushed against his neck, he felt it was probably lips.
“This is called throwing yourself into someone’s arms, you know?”
It brushed against his cheek again.
“Have you been trying to seduce me these past few days?” Shi Ye always felt like he was talking to himself, “Trying to win me over and then drug me?”
Sheng Xia was still rubbing his earlobe, not moving, not speaking, just rubbing.
He felt hotter and hotter. With the two of them stacked together, their temperatures rising, Shi Ye was burning up.
Sheng Xia kept muttering softly, like murmuring, unintelligible. Shi Ye thought it sounded like a cat’s meow, or maybe just being coquettish.
And he kept touching his earlobe.
What kind of strange teasing and suggestion was this?
Shi Ye fell silent for a while, then lit a cigarette slowly. Halfway through smoking, he began to feel uncomfortable, because Sheng Xia kept touching his ears repeatedly, still moving around. Shi Ye felt uncomfortable being rubbed against.
Flesh against flesh, sweaty, he got hard. At first, he felt surprised, but it seemed to explain something.
Since in a semi-conscious state he could accept someone of the same sex leaning on him, embracing his neck, rubbing against him, it seemed natural to get hard. Shi Ye convinced himself with alcohol in his system; men are easily persuaded by desire, and desire can sometimes argue with logic when sober.
Shi Ye smoked his cigarette, knowing that his next move would be instinctive.
It was instinct that made him kiss Sheng Xia’s sweaty hair, his hands now sliding down, sliding down along the pajamas.
Then the next second he was burned by the falling cigarette butt on his arm.
It hurt a bit, but it passed in an instant, and it also woke him up. He stopped his hand, stopped his desire, stopped everything, abruptly.
He furrowed his brow.
Wait a moment, he took a deep breath, telling himself to wait, at least until the other person passed that so-called milestone of maturity.
He forcibly pushed Sheng Xia, who was clinging to him, away. It was very difficult, but the remaining bit of reason urged him to push Sheng Xia away.
He watched Sheng Xia sleep beside him, smoked the pack of cigarettes Sheng Xia had brought, and then went to wash his hands in the bathroom. Shi Ye washed very carefully, washing three times and then washing his face. Still not sober, he poured some water and buried his face in it, sinking into the cold water.
After washing, he still didn’t feel much clearer, still smelled of smoke and alcohol, still smelled of Sheng Xia.
That feeling of restlessness wrapped around him, he felt annoyed, like there was something inside him about to explode or tear apart, that kind of irritation.
Then he started taking a cold shower. He stood behind a door, separated from Sheng Xia outside, and began to masturbate.
Usually, when he did this to himself, it was perfunctory, just to relieve tension. Insert, move, thrust, ejaculate, it felt like nothing more than an animalistic release. After all, surrendering to pleasure, surrendering to sex, was just instinct.
Was there a difference between doing it with a man and doing it with a woman?
Was his father like this too, embracing another man with the same body parts as himself?
They all opened their legs, screamed, sweated, moaned, ejaculated, caressed, indulged, lost control?
It seemed there really was no difference.
When he ejaculated, Shi Ye felt like he was finally waking up from the alcohol.
It was truly waking up, perhaps even being startled awake. The scenes that flashed through his mind when relieving himself changed from a woman’s body to a man’s, from Sheng Xia’s body precisely to his flushed face. It was an epiphany, but what kind of epiphany was it?
Invisible, intangible, immeasurable. Unable to be seen, unable to be told, unable to be understood, unable to be acknowledged.
Suddenly, Shi Ye began to resent himself, resent the situation, and also resent facing all of this at the moment.
After leaving the bathroom, he started to pack his things. He finished quickly; he didn’t have many belongings, the heaviest being his guitar.
The whole process seemed like a hasty escape, he didn’t dare to think too much about whether Sheng Xia was awake or asleep, intentional or unintentional, he could only try to lighten his movements as much as possible, preferably not to wake up anything.
Shi Ye didn’t look back. He left the keys on the table, closed the door, and left.
When he went downstairs, it was getting light outside. This messy night was short and long, seeming to have happened enough stories for Shi Ye to write many songs, but now the story ended with him fleeing. As he descended the wooden stairs, he bumped his head. It hurt a lot, but the first thing he thought of was what Sheng Xia had said to him: “Teacher Shi Ye, be careful of your head.”
At the door, Shi Ye encountered Sheng Xia’s mother, Zhao Wu.
There was a Volvo in front of Zhao Wu, a nice car. At first glance, Shi Ye knew that this must be Sheng Xia’s mother; they shared a resemblance in their features, but the woman in front of him exuded a shrewdness in both appearance and demeanor, quite different from Sheng Xia.
Zhao Wu was unloading several boxes of local specialties from the trunk. Seeing Shi Ye coming out early in the morning with a guitar on his back, Zhao Wu quickly furrowed her brows. She assessed him swiftly, then calmly said, “Heading to the tourist gathering point so early in the morning? Why are you carrying a guitar?”
Shi Ye didn’t know how to respond, so he just nodded. He originally wanted to leave directly, but seeing Zhao Wu struggling to move things alone, he decided to step forward and help unload the items and carry them into the house.
Zhao Wu thanked him repeatedly and then asked, “You look familiar. Are you some kind of musician? You look a bit like a member of a band my son likes…”
Shi Ye shook his head, interrupting and saying no.
“No? Well… never mind. I can tell you have a good image; you’re sure to be successful.” There were plenty of wandering musicians in Dali, so Zhao Wu wasn’t surprised. “Thank you, young man. Are you staying with us for a few more days? I’ll give you a discount for the next few days, alright?”
Shi Ye found it a bit amusing, but in the end, he just said, “No need… thank you.”
Zhao Wu smiled politely and said, “Then I wish you a happy time in Dali. When are you leaving?”
“Soon.” Shi Ye didn’t look at Zhao Wu. “Just these two days… I’ll be leaving now.”
“Oh, wait a moment…” Zhao Wu called out to Shi Ye, rummaged through her bag, and finally pulled out a package of dried plum.
“I smelled alcohol on you when you approached.” Zhao Wu smiled. “It’s uncomfortable to wake up after drinking. This is a specialty of Dali. I brought it with me for snacks on the road. Take it; thank you for helping me with the luggage.”
Shi Ye hesitated for a moment, then looked down at the familiar package of dried plums.
When he took it, he felt a bit nauseous, but he still forced himself to say to Zhao Wu, “Thank you.”
Before leaving the guesthouse, Shi Ye quietly took out all the cash he had and pressed it under the lucky cat on the front desk.
Probably around one to two thousand, he didn’t know if it would be enough for the room fee.
He thought to himself, considering it as settling the bill.
When Zhao Wu saw that striking man, she couldn’t help but feel uneasy, highly alert. She didn’t ask for Shi Ye’s name, but she had a vague feeling that something wasn’t right.
Sometimes a woman’s intuition was quite remarkable; she couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong, but she just had a feeling.
After setting down her bag, she went straight upstairs, first to Sheng Xia’s room. She used a spare key to open the door and found it empty.
Then she went up to the rooftop.
After opening the door, Zhao Wu regretted it. She carried a violin case inside; it contained a violin bought from Beijing, not very expensive at 80,000 yuan, but it was a heartfelt gift, Sheng Xia’s 18th birthday present. She wanted to show it to Sheng Xia early to see if he liked it. If he didn’t, she would ask a friend to exchange it for another style.
After opening the door, Zhao Wu saw cigarette butts, bottles of alcohol, and her son lying unconscious on a cool mat.
In the dim light of dawn, Zhao Wu stood there for a long time.
She stood there for a long, long time.
She knew that if she didn’t leave soon, the first rays of dawn would break through, and everything in front of her would become brighter.
So Zhao Wu closed the door, pretending that nothing had happened, and left the attic filled with uncertainty.
Shi Ye didn’t sleep that night.
Actually, when it happened, he knew that perhaps something wrong had already happened to him. If he really had to describe it, he couldn’t accurately convey the true feelings to you. It’s like it happened naturally, but his body’s response was too deliberate. People often make excuses to deceive themselves, and he could too. He could blame that kiss on the stars, the moonlight being beautiful, the alcohol and impulse, or anything else. Anyway, no one would blame a moment of excitement, no one saw it, no one knew about this kiss.
Shi Ye didn’t even know if this counted as a kiss.
His body was soaked with Sheng Xia’s sweat. It was hot, even at night, with the wind, it was still hot. Sweaty, it seemed like there was alcohol in every pore.
Shi Ye sat up straight, then saw Sheng Xia’s eyelashes flutter slightly, his sunburnt face redder than before.
Shi Ye naturally felt that this was shyness. It seemed like an expected reaction, but Shi Ye actually felt a bit dull, because it was expected.
Because of the sunburn, his face looked a bit ridiculous. But still beautiful, at this moment Shi Ye was willing to describe this adolescent belonging to Sheng Xia with the word “beautiful”. He was willing to use beauty to describe something that would make him feel gentle, beauty always makes people feel a bit gentler, whether it’s men or women, sculptures, paintings, music, or art, things that make people feel gentle, that’s beauty.
Even though he was still wearing teddy bear pajamas, it could still be considered beautiful.
In addition to the pajamas, Sheng Xia also wore a denim jacket. He couldn’t understand why he had to wear so much. Shi Ye saw sweat dripping from Sheng Xia’s neck and ears, his forehead was sweaty, it seemed very hot.
“Aren’t you hot?”
No response.
Shi Ye frowned, and then patted Sheng Xia’s back hard, trying to force him awake, whether he was really drunk or pretending to be drunk.
After patting for a long time, Sheng Xia finally opened his eyes to look at Shi Ye, muttered a few words, which Shi Ye couldn’t understand, which seemed to be a local dialect.
He looked at Sheng Xia and asked, “Aren’t you hot?”
Sheng Xia shook his head slowly, opening his eyes lazily.
“Hot.” He finally managed to answer, “And cold.”
Seeing him still sweaty and wearing so much, Shi Ye felt uncomfortable, so he helped him up by supporting his shoulders and helped him take off the denim jacket.
Just after tossing the clothes aside, Shi Ye was tightly embraced by Sheng Xia around the neck.
Both of them were sweaty. At that moment of being embraced, Shi Ye felt like he was surrounded by water, warm water, the kind of temperature suitable for human embrace, sticky.
The person on top felt like a block of tofu, except this tofu was smoked and flavored with a mixture of smoke and alcohol, and the body was unreasonably hot.
Shi Ye felt this scene was inexplicable, so he pulled Sheng Xia’s hand down and murmured softly, “Let go.”
Sheng Xia was burning in a daze, unable to hear anything, but still persistently searching for what he wanted. His hand slid up Shi Ye’s chest, past his neck and face, feeling sweaty as it moved up.
Shi Ye didn’t feel like refusing too much, so he symbolically pulled him away a couple of times and then stopped moving. That hand that had been playing the piano was constantly groping on his body, finally stopping at his ear.
After touching Shi Ye’s earlobe, Sheng Xia finally stopped. He leaned against Shi Ye’s shoulder, gently kneading the small piece of soft flesh on his hand. But it seemed uncomfortable to sleep, at first just leaning against Shi Ye’s side, but later the two somehow ended up stacked together.
Shi Ye felt comfortable being hugged, so he didn’t move. He didn’t think about whether this was drunken coquetry or genuine affection, because Sheng Xia’s body language was all about dependence, as if he really needed him.
“What are you doing?”
No answer.
Shi Ye didn’t know if he was saying it to himself or to Sheng Xia. “You can’t just hug anyone, didn’t your mom teach you that?”
Something soft brushed against his neck, he felt it was probably lips.
“This is called throwing yourself into someone’s arms, you know?”
It brushed against his cheek again.
“Have you been trying to seduce me these past few days?” Shi Ye always felt like he was talking to himself, “Trying to win me over and then drug me?”
Sheng Xia was still rubbing his earlobe, not moving, not speaking, just rubbing.
He felt hotter and hotter. With the two of them stacked together, their temperatures rising, Shi Ye was burning up.
Sheng Xia kept muttering softly, like murmuring, unintelligible. Shi Ye thought it sounded like a cat’s meow, or maybe just being coquettish.
And he kept touching his earlobe.
What kind of strange teasing and suggestion was this?
Shi Ye fell silent for a while, then lit a cigarette slowly. Halfway through smoking, he began to feel uncomfortable, because Sheng Xia kept touching his ears repeatedly, still moving around. Shi Ye felt uncomfortable being rubbed against.
Flesh against flesh, sweaty, he got hard. At first, he felt surprised, but it seemed to explain something.
Since in a semi-conscious state he could accept someone of the same sex leaning on him, embracing his neck, rubbing against him, it seemed natural to get hard. Shi Ye convinced himself with alcohol in his system; men are easily persuaded by desire, and desire can sometimes argue with logic when sober.
Shi Ye smoked his cigarette, knowing that his next move would be instinctive.
It was instinct that made him kiss Sheng Xia’s sweaty hair, his hands now sliding down, sliding down along the pajamas.
Then the next second he was burned by the falling cigarette butt on his arm.
It hurt a bit, but it passed in an instant, and it also woke him up. He stopped his hand, stopped his desire, stopped everything, abruptly.
He furrowed his brow.
Wait a moment, he took a deep breath, telling himself to wait, at least until the other person passed that so-called milestone of maturity.
He forcibly pushed Sheng Xia, who was clinging to him, away. It was very difficult, but the remaining bit of reason urged him to push Sheng Xia away.
He watched Sheng Xia sleep beside him, smoked the pack of cigarettes Sheng Xia had brought, and then went to wash his hands in the bathroom. Shi Ye washed very carefully, washing three times and then washing his face. Still not sober, he poured some water and buried his face in it, sinking into the cold water.
After washing, he still didn’t feel much clearer, still smelled of smoke and alcohol, still smelled of Sheng Xia.
That feeling of restlessness wrapped around him, he felt annoyed, like there was something inside him about to explode or tear apart, that kind of irritation.
Then he started taking a cold shower. He stood behind a door, separated from Sheng Xia outside, and began to masturbate.
Usually, when he did this to himself, it was perfunctory, just to relieve tension. Insert, move, thrust, ejaculate, it felt like nothing more than an animalistic release. After all, surrendering to pleasure, surrendering to sex, was just instinct.
Was there a difference between doing it with a man and doing it with a woman?
Was his father like this too, embracing another man with the same body parts as himself?
They all opened their legs, screamed, sweated, moaned, ejaculated, caressed, indulged, lost control?
It seemed there really was no difference.
When he ejaculated, Shi Ye felt like he was finally waking up from the alcohol.
It was truly waking up, perhaps even being startled awake. The scenes that flashed through his mind when relieving himself changed from a woman’s body to a man’s, from Sheng Xia’s body precisely to his flushed face. It was an epiphany, but what kind of epiphany was it?
Invisible, intangible, immeasurable. Unable to be seen, unable to be told, unable to be understood, unable to be acknowledged.
Suddenly, Shi Ye began to resent himself, resent the situation, and also resent facing all of this at the moment.
After leaving the bathroom, he started to pack his things. He finished quickly; he didn’t have many belongings, the heaviest being his guitar.
The whole process seemed like a hasty escape, he didn’t dare to think too much about whether Sheng Xia was awake or asleep, intentional or unintentional, he could only try to lighten his movements as much as possible, preferably not to wake up anything.
Shi Ye didn’t look back. He left the keys on the table, closed the door, and left.
When he went downstairs, it was getting light outside. This messy night was short and long, seeming to have happened enough stories for Shi Ye to write many songs, but now the story ended with him fleeing. As he descended the wooden stairs, he bumped his head. It hurt a lot, but the first thing he thought of was what Sheng Xia had said to him: “Teacher Shi Ye, be careful of your head.”
At the door, Shi Ye encountered Sheng Xia’s mother, Zhao Wu.
There was a Volvo in front of Zhao Wu, a nice car. At first glance, Shi Ye knew that this must be Sheng Xia’s mother; they shared a resemblance in their features, but the woman in front of him exuded a shrewdness in both appearance and demeanor, quite different from Sheng Xia.
Zhao Wu was unloading several boxes of local specialties from the trunk. Seeing Shi Ye coming out early in the morning with a guitar on his back, Zhao Wu quickly furrowed her brows. She assessed him swiftly, then calmly said, “Heading to the tourist gathering point so early in the morning? Why are you carrying a guitar?”
Shi Ye didn’t know how to respond, so he just nodded. He originally wanted to leave directly, but seeing Zhao Wu struggling to move things alone, he decided to step forward and help unload the items and carry them into the house.
Zhao Wu thanked him repeatedly and then asked, “You look familiar. Are you some kind of musician? You look a bit like a member of a band my son likes…”
Shi Ye shook his head, interrupting and saying no.
“No? Well… never mind. I can tell you have a good image; you’re sure to be successful.” There were plenty of wandering musicians in Dali, so Zhao Wu wasn’t surprised. “Thank you, young man. Are you staying with us for a few more days? I’ll give you a discount for the next few days, alright?”
Shi Ye found it a bit amusing, but in the end, he just said, “No need… thank you.”
Zhao Wu smiled politely and said, “Then I wish you a happy time in Dali. When are you leaving?”
“Soon.” Shi Ye didn’t look at Zhao Wu. “Just these two days… I’ll be leaving now.”
“Oh, wait a moment…” Zhao Wu called out to Shi Ye, rummaged through her bag, and finally pulled out a package of dried plum.
“I smelled alcohol on you when you approached.” Zhao Wu smiled. “It’s uncomfortable to wake up after drinking. This is a specialty of Dali. I brought it with me for snacks on the road. Take it; thank you for helping me with the luggage.”
Shi Ye hesitated for a moment, then looked down at the familiar package of dried plums.
When he took it, he felt a bit nauseous, but he still forced himself to say to Zhao Wu, “Thank you.”
Before leaving the guesthouse, Shi Ye quietly took out all the cash he had and pressed it under the lucky cat on the front desk.
Probably around one to two thousand, he didn’t know if it would be enough for the room fee.
He thought to himself, considering it as settling the bill.
When Zhao Wu saw that striking man, she couldn’t help but feel uneasy, highly alert. She didn’t ask for Shi Ye’s name, but she had a vague feeling that something wasn’t right.
Sometimes a woman’s intuition was quite remarkable; she couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong, but she just had a feeling.
After setting down her bag, she went straight upstairs, first to Sheng Xia’s room. She used a spare key to open the door and found it empty.
Then she went up to the rooftop.
After opening the door, Zhao Wu regretted it. She carried a violin case inside; it contained a violin bought from Beijing, not very expensive at 80,000 yuan, but it was a heartfelt gift, Sheng Xia’s 18th birthday present. She wanted to show it to Sheng Xia early to see if he liked it. If he didn’t, she would ask a friend to exchange it for another style.
After opening the door, Zhao Wu saw cigarette butts, bottles of alcohol, and her son lying unconscious on a cool mat.
In the dim light of dawn, Zhao Wu stood there for a long time.
She stood there for a long, long time.
She knew that if she didn’t leave soon, the first rays of dawn would break through, and everything in front of her would become brighter.
So Zhao Wu closed the door, pretending that nothing had happened, and left the attic filled with uncertainty.
