Sheng Xia’s room smelled nice, and so did Sheng Xia.
Before, Shi Ye felt he had no scent, but now he felt that he embodied the essence of summer itself. What does summer smell like? Sweet, perhaps, like the sweetness that makes ice cream weep. He really smelled good, could his sweat be sweet too?
The alcohol was finished. Sheng Xia searched in his wardrobe for a while, then brought out another bottle of wine. He said a pretty girl had given it to him, and her family sold alcohol. Sheng Xia talked about that girl, saying her name was Feng Min, from the Dai ethnic group, his middle school classmate, they sat together, she liked him, wrote love letters to him, and gave him Alpine gummy bears.
Shi Ye asked, “Did you two ever date?” Sheng Xia said no, he ate the gummy bears and rejected Feng Min, then they became friends. Feng Min didn’t go to high school; she went to a medical school. During holidays, she would come to visit him and secretly bring wine. They would drink in the attic.
Sheng Xia said, “It was Feng Min who taught me to smoke. I actually think I liked her, but it wasn’t the kind of liking that would lead to dating. It’s a strange feeling; I can’t explain it.”
While Sheng Xia told Feng Min’s story, Shi Ye remained silent, drinking heavily. By the time Sheng Xia finished, Shi Ye had finished the bottle of plum wine in several big gulps. When it was finished, Sheng Xia went to get a second bottle.
Hurry up and get drunk, getting drunk would be good, Shi Ye thought, I really love getting drunk. Swaying, truth and lies, unusually excited.
Shi Ye said, “Not all liking leads to dating. You can like many people in your life, like the prettiest girl in school, the movie star with expressive eyes, or the person with the best body and hair in the bar.”
Sheng Xia laughed, “I’m a little scared of girls. Not because I think they’re bad, but because I think they’re very good. Some ‘good’ can make people afraid to approach, very respectful, with a little distance. I prefer the kind of ‘good’ that makes me feel safe, the kind I can hide in.”
“You’re saying things I don’t understand again,” Shi Ye frowned, instinctively unhappy. “If you don’t like it, don’t talk about girls.”
Sheng Xia hummed in agreement. They leaned their arms together, initially against the edge of the bed, but later they both got a bit tired and leaned against each other lying on the bed. They had drunk quite a bit, and no one cared about the distance.
Suddenly, Sheng Xia asked, “Teacher Shi Ye, can’t you really sing anymore?”
Shi Ye closed his eyes. He didn’t answer that question, only said, “You sing, I want to hear you sing.”
Sheng Xia agreed. He shifted his body up, his waist touched something, it was his black-framed glasses. He simply put on his glasses, closed his eyes again, lay flat, stretched out his hand, touched the piano keys, and began the prelude.
Shi Ye recognized it as the song “Universe,” a song he was tired of.
It was written in one go back then, and not a single word was changed afterwards. He didn’t have the strength to go back and revise it, nor the courage. When he sang it in his early years, he always had a cold face, very impatient, but actually just angry. Am I selling sadness? I’m writing about myself. You say I have divine singing skills, divine temperament, go to hell, this song screams anger, you don’t understand, no one understands.
Then he became numb. After many performances, playing again and again, singing again and again had become an automatic process. As long as the music played, the program started, and it became a machine, rotating monotonously. He slowly lost his emotions, really lost them. Fans liked him best when he had no emotions, why so many emotions? In this world, there’s no lack of sadness, joy, separation, reunion, love, and hate.
The fans, crying out, “I love you, I love you,” is love so cheap? You just want a song lyric that resonates with you, turn it into your personal signature, post it on your social media, consume it, destroy it. What’s the point, go to hell.
Shi Ye sat up. He wanted to interrupt Sheng Xia, tell him to stop, don’t play anymore, don’t sing anymore. Forget it, it’s okay if it’s not this song, anything else is fine.
He sat up, and he saw Sheng Xia. He was real, blurry, intoxicated, tempting, lying there, waiting for him. The light shone down, and the piano sounded so good. Sheng Xia lay there, blindly playing “Universe,” his fingers sliding deftly left and right, pressing down.
It was beautiful, very beautiful.
Shi Ye felt himself becoming very light, floating, almost flying to the sky, then sinking down, wanting to land in the illusion in front of him.
Sheng Xia began to sing.
Very soft, enticing, inviting? Pale skin, red lips, black hair, open body, all saying, approach quickly, right? Is it right? Is it reasonable? Shi Junfeng, did you fall for such a handsome man too? Were you also attracted, enticed like this? Okay, if that’s really the case, then I think I understand a little.
Then I forgive you. If I let myself go, will I become like you? Become part of the group that’s poked in the spine, not recognized, we also become conspirators, we love each other, understand each other, don’t hate each other?
Shi Ye didn’t interrupt this rendition of “Universe”; he found himself drifting away. Who tore through the sky, scattering the stars, with those pretentious lyrics? It turned out to be this feeling when sung by Sheng Xia. He was drawn in by that feeling, sinking, unable to escape. He was drunk, and he didn’t want to sober up.
The room was filled with something sticky and moist, drifting, throwing him into a tender atmosphere. Then, he saw the universe on Sheng Xia’s face… and even the center of the universe.
He wanted to kiss that center.
“Sheng Xia.” After the song ended, Shi Ye called out to him, then again, using a tone that didn’t require a response. “Sheng Xia.”
Sheng Xia straightened up, resting his head on the piano keys. He seemed to understand, so he didn’t respond. He said, “This song isn’t suitable for singing. Teacher Shi Ye, I’ve heard all your live performances of this song, and many covers… I feel like this song shouldn’t be sung a second time, the feeling has changed. The important thing about this song is the feeling, right?”
Shi Ye smiled and nodded. “Yes.”
“Right.” Sheng Xia smiled happily. “I feel like I understand.”
Shi Ye felt as if all the prickly hairs on his body, all the sharp thorns, had been smoothed out by Sheng Xia’s singing. The time had come, and everything was urging him to do something.
“You’re right, the important thing is the feeling.”
Shi Ye paused and said, “You said smoking was taught by someone else. How about I teach you something else?”
Sheng Xia blinked, keeping his glasses on, making it easier for Shi Ye to see him clearly. He said, “Okay.”
Shi Ye stared at his face and said, “Come here.”
Sheng Xia hesitated for a moment, then took two steps forward on his knees.
“Even closer,” Shi Ye said.
Sheng Xia moved forward again until his knees touched Shi Ye’s leg.
Shi Ye frowned. “Hey, closer.”
Sheng Xia stopped moving.
Shi Ye started to feel impatient. “Get closer to me, sit up here.”
Sheng Xia was dizzy from drinking, and he frowned, finally realizing something was off. Shi Ye didn’t have the patience to wait any longer; he grabbed Sheng Xia’s hand and pulled the still-dazed Sheng Xia into his arms.
“Isn’t this what you wanted that night?” Shi Ye pinched Sheng Xia’s ear. “Why are you pretending now?”
“Don’t move—” Shi Ye pressed Sheng Xia’s head down. Whenever he moved, he wanted to do more, “Let me give you a birthday present.”
As he hugged Sheng Xia, Shi Ye realized that his body was burning hot. It was true; it should be this day, this moment, with this person, he embraced the summer.
Sheng Xia couldn’t speak. His face was forced against Shi Ye’s shoulder, his eyes staring at the wind chimes on the windowsill.
Shi Ye felt a bit annoyed. He felt like it should have been Sheng Xia who kissed him first, but Sheng Xia was trembling. Was he too excited?
“Teacher Shi Ye…”
“Don’t call me teacher,” Shi Ye felt he should be gentle at this moment, but his tone was still cold; he couldn’t help it. “You can call me by my name, call me ge, but don’t call me teacher.”
He really smelled good, like a rainforest, damp.
He kissed Sheng Xia’s neck lightly. Sheng Xia didn’t dodge, but his whole body tensed for a moment before relaxing.
Shi Ye smiled, his voice low, echoing in Sheng Xia’s ear.
He said, “Let me teach you how to kiss.”
Sheng Xia was completely dumbfounded, almost sobered up by the alcohol.
The unfamiliar feeling, the warmth of another person’s body, broad shoulders, fingers and lips, and the warmth against him. How should he react, what should he say, should he cry or laugh? What was this? Was it safe? Could he hide in it?
His idol said he wanted to kiss him. He wanted to say yes; in this atmosphere, he seemed to be supposed to say yes, unable to refuse.
Sheng Xia tentatively reached out his hand, wanting to hug Shi Ye back, but as soon as he lifted his hand, he saw a pair of eyes staring at him through the window.
His mind sounded a ten-alarm warning. All his previous thoughts disappeared, and he instinctively pushed Shi Ye away, subconsciously shouting, “Teacher Shi Ye, don’t—!”
As he panicked and pushed Shi Ye away, he looked back at the window, only to find that there was no Zhao Wu and her gloomy eyes. Was he mistaken? Was it fake?
Shi Ye was almost pushed off the bed by Sheng Xia. When he came to his senses, he asked, “What do you mean?”
This sentence was spoken with thunderous anger and disbelief. Since his parents passed away, Shi Ye had never been rejected by anyone; he was always the one rejecting others. Who had ever pushed him away? It was always others coming to him, begging.
But he harbored a little expectation, nurtured by grievances, and what grew out of it was boundless loneliness, his own world. He was the king of that world, and in it, he was the most real. No one had ever been to that world; those who touched it died. That was his minefield.
He cautiously said to Sheng Xia, welcome, come in quickly. But the other hesitated at the door, as if scared by that barren world.
Although Shi Ye appeared very cold on the surface, when his emotions were involved, he was not that calm, especially when it came to feelings, which made him more prone to losing control. He was irritable, hot-tempered, and at this moment, he was like a hungry beast, roaring, just wanting to understand one thing: why?
Why did I get closer, and everything still wants to push me away?
Sheng Xia’s room smelled nice, and so did Sheng Xia.
Before, Shi Ye felt he had no scent, but now he felt that he embodied the essence of summer itself. What does summer smell like? Sweet, perhaps, like the sweetness that makes ice cream weep. He really smelled good, could his sweat be sweet too?
The alcohol was finished. Sheng Xia searched in his wardrobe for a while, then brought out another bottle of wine. He said a pretty girl had given it to him, and her family sold alcohol. Sheng Xia talked about that girl, saying her name was Feng Min, from the Dai ethnic group, his middle school classmate, they sat together, she liked him, wrote love letters to him, and gave him Alpine gummy bears.
Shi Ye asked, “Did you two ever date?” Sheng Xia said no, he ate the gummy bears and rejected Feng Min, then they became friends. Feng Min didn’t go to high school; she went to a medical school. During holidays, she would come to visit him and secretly bring wine. They would drink in the attic.
Sheng Xia said, “It was Feng Min who taught me to smoke. I actually think I liked her, but it wasn’t the kind of liking that would lead to dating. It’s a strange feeling; I can’t explain it.”
While Sheng Xia told Feng Min’s story, Shi Ye remained silent, drinking heavily. By the time Sheng Xia finished, Shi Ye had finished the bottle of plum wine in several big gulps. When it was finished, Sheng Xia went to get a second bottle.
Hurry up and get drunk, getting drunk would be good, Shi Ye thought, I really love getting drunk. Swaying, truth and lies, unusually excited.
Shi Ye said, “Not all liking leads to dating. You can like many people in your life, like the prettiest girl in school, the movie star with expressive eyes, or the person with the best body and hair in the bar.”
Sheng Xia laughed, “I’m a little scared of girls. Not because I think they’re bad, but because I think they’re very good. Some ‘good’ can make people afraid to approach, very respectful, with a little distance. I prefer the kind of ‘good’ that makes me feel safe, the kind I can hide in.”
“You’re saying things I don’t understand again,” Shi Ye frowned, instinctively unhappy. “If you don’t like it, don’t talk about girls.”
Sheng Xia hummed in agreement. They leaned their arms together, initially against the edge of the bed, but later they both got a bit tired and leaned against each other lying on the bed. They had drunk quite a bit, and no one cared about the distance.
Suddenly, Sheng Xia asked, “Teacher Shi Ye, can’t you really sing anymore?”
Shi Ye closed his eyes. He didn’t answer that question, only said, “You sing, I want to hear you sing.”
Sheng Xia agreed. He shifted his body up, his waist touched something, it was his black-framed glasses. He simply put on his glasses, closed his eyes again, lay flat, stretched out his hand, touched the piano keys, and began the prelude.
Shi Ye recognized it as the song “Universe,” a song he was tired of.
It was written in one go back then, and not a single word was changed afterwards. He didn’t have the strength to go back and revise it, nor the courage. When he sang it in his early years, he always had a cold face, very impatient, but actually just angry. Am I selling sadness? I’m writing about myself. You say I have divine singing skills, divine temperament, go to hell, this song screams anger, you don’t understand, no one understands.
Then he became numb. After many performances, playing again and again, singing again and again had become an automatic process. As long as the music played, the program started, and it became a machine, rotating monotonously. He slowly lost his emotions, really lost them. Fans liked him best when he had no emotions, why so many emotions? In this world, there’s no lack of sadness, joy, separation, reunion, love, and hate.
The fans, crying out, “I love you, I love you,” is love so cheap? You just want a song lyric that resonates with you, turn it into your personal signature, post it on your social media, consume it, destroy it. What’s the point, go to hell.
Shi Ye sat up. He wanted to interrupt Sheng Xia, tell him to stop, don’t play anymore, don’t sing anymore. Forget it, it’s okay if it’s not this song, anything else is fine.
He sat up, and he saw Sheng Xia. He was real, blurry, intoxicated, tempting, lying there, waiting for him. The light shone down, and the piano sounded so good. Sheng Xia lay there, blindly playing “Universe,” his fingers sliding deftly left and right, pressing down.
It was beautiful, very beautiful.
Shi Ye felt himself becoming very light, floating, almost flying to the sky, then sinking down, wanting to land in the illusion in front of him.
Sheng Xia began to sing.
Very soft, enticing, inviting? Pale skin, red lips, black hair, open body, all saying, approach quickly, right? Is it right? Is it reasonable? Shi Junfeng, did you fall for such a handsome man too? Were you also attracted, enticed like this? Okay, if that’s really the case, then I think I understand a little.
Then I forgive you. If I let myself go, will I become like you? Become part of the group that’s poked in the spine, not recognized, we also become conspirators, we love each other, understand each other, don’t hate each other?
Shi Ye didn’t interrupt this rendition of “Universe”; he found himself drifting away. Who tore through the sky, scattering the stars, with those pretentious lyrics? It turned out to be this feeling when sung by Sheng Xia. He was drawn in by that feeling, sinking, unable to escape. He was drunk, and he didn’t want to sober up.
The room was filled with something sticky and moist, drifting, throwing him into a tender atmosphere. Then, he saw the universe on Sheng Xia’s face… and even the center of the universe.
He wanted to kiss that center.
“Sheng Xia.” After the song ended, Shi Ye called out to him, then again, using a tone that didn’t require a response. “Sheng Xia.”
Sheng Xia straightened up, resting his head on the piano keys. He seemed to understand, so he didn’t respond. He said, “This song isn’t suitable for singing. Teacher Shi Ye, I’ve heard all your live performances of this song, and many covers… I feel like this song shouldn’t be sung a second time, the feeling has changed. The important thing about this song is the feeling, right?”
Shi Ye smiled and nodded. “Yes.”
“Right.” Sheng Xia smiled happily. “I feel like I understand.”
Shi Ye felt as if all the prickly hairs on his body, all the sharp thorns, had been smoothed out by Sheng Xia’s singing. The time had come, and everything was urging him to do something.
“You’re right, the important thing is the feeling.”
Shi Ye paused and said, “You said smoking was taught by someone else. How about I teach you something else?”
Sheng Xia blinked, keeping his glasses on, making it easier for Shi Ye to see him clearly. He said, “Okay.”
Shi Ye stared at his face and said, “Come here.”
Sheng Xia hesitated for a moment, then took two steps forward on his knees.
“Even closer,” Shi Ye said.
Sheng Xia moved forward again until his knees touched Shi Ye’s leg.
Shi Ye frowned. “Hey, closer.”
Sheng Xia stopped moving.
Shi Ye started to feel impatient. “Get closer to me, sit up here.”
Sheng Xia was dizzy from drinking, and he frowned, finally realizing something was off. Shi Ye didn’t have the patience to wait any longer; he grabbed Sheng Xia’s hand and pulled the still-dazed Sheng Xia into his arms.
“Isn’t this what you wanted that night?” Shi Ye pinched Sheng Xia’s ear. “Why are you pretending now?”
“Don’t move—” Shi Ye pressed Sheng Xia’s head down. Whenever he moved, he wanted to do more, “Let me give you a birthday present.”
As he hugged Sheng Xia, Shi Ye realized that his body was burning hot. It was true; it should be this day, this moment, with this person, he embraced the summer.
Sheng Xia couldn’t speak. His face was forced against Shi Ye’s shoulder, his eyes staring at the wind chimes on the windowsill.
Shi Ye felt a bit annoyed. He felt like it should have been Sheng Xia who kissed him first, but Sheng Xia was trembling. Was he too excited?
“Teacher Shi Ye…”
“Don’t call me teacher,” Shi Ye felt he should be gentle at this moment, but his tone was still cold; he couldn’t help it. “You can call me by my name, call me ge, but don’t call me teacher.”
He really smelled good, like a rainforest, damp.
He kissed Sheng Xia’s neck lightly. Sheng Xia didn’t dodge, but his whole body tensed for a moment before relaxing.
Shi Ye smiled, his voice low, echoing in Sheng Xia’s ear.
He said, “Let me teach you how to kiss.”
Sheng Xia was completely dumbfounded, almost sobered up by the alcohol.
The unfamiliar feeling, the warmth of another person’s body, broad shoulders, fingers and lips, and the warmth against him. How should he react, what should he say, should he cry or laugh? What was this? Was it safe? Could he hide in it?
His idol said he wanted to kiss him. He wanted to say yes; in this atmosphere, he seemed to be supposed to say yes, unable to refuse.
Sheng Xia tentatively reached out his hand, wanting to hug Shi Ye back, but as soon as he lifted his hand, he saw a pair of eyes staring at him through the window.
His mind sounded a ten-alarm warning. All his previous thoughts disappeared, and he instinctively pushed Shi Ye away, subconsciously shouting, “Teacher Shi Ye, don’t—!”
As he panicked and pushed Shi Ye away, he looked back at the window, only to find that there was no Zhao Wu and her gloomy eyes. Was he mistaken? Was it fake?
Shi Ye was almost pushed off the bed by Sheng Xia. When he came to his senses, he asked, “What do you mean?”
This sentence was spoken with thunderous anger and disbelief. Since his parents passed away, Shi Ye had never been rejected by anyone; he was always the one rejecting others. Who had ever pushed him away? It was always others coming to him, begging.
But he harbored a little expectation, nurtured by grievances, and what grew out of it was boundless loneliness, his own world. He was the king of that world, and in it, he was the most real. No one had ever been to that world; those who touched it died. That was his minefield.
He cautiously said to Sheng Xia, welcome, come in quickly. But the other hesitated at the door, as if scared by that barren world.
Although Shi Ye appeared very cold on the surface, when his emotions were involved, he was not that calm, especially when it came to feelings, which made him more prone to losing control. He was irritable, hot-tempered, and at this moment, he was like a hungry beast, roaring, just wanting to understand one thing: why?
Why did I get closer, and everything still wants to push me away?
