1. Unrealistic
In the midst of the graduation ceremony, an ant was dead under my feet with its belly capsized. It must have traveled a long distance to return home, but it was unfortunate that it was trampled to death. Seo Seung-won’s father gently hugged my shoulders as I was thinking useless thoughts.
“Seung-won. Hurry up and take a picture with your friends. Everyone is waiting for you.”
His voice was really soft and full of affection as he looked at me. His eyes revealed his love and concern for his children. It was the same with his mother. When they were unsure of something, they were gracious enough to turn their heads away and pretend not to know because their love was burdensome enough to be over deserved.
“Seo Seung-won, come quickly! You’re the only one who left!”
All three guys were young and laughing brightly with flushed faces. Their eyes were so pure that they showed how excited they were to get out of school. They must have been worried, but they seemed happy without any worries. I just felt sick to my stomach. Is it because I can clearly feel that my position is different from theirs? Unlike the guys, I wasn’t from here. To be precise, they are not even human beings in this world.
One day a year ago, I suddenly became a different person. It was also the character in the book, Seo Seung-won…
I remember exactly when I awoke for the first time in this ridiculous world. It was hectic, but the shock was unforgettable. I was flustered and panicked because I was in a strange house with strangers. I tried to run away, shaking off the hands of those who were hugging me and telling me to calm down.
I was feeling strange and dizzy at the time, but I didn’t give it much thought. But as my vision turned dark, I couldn’t possibly ignore anything else. That’s right. This body is a troublesome body that reacts immediately when emotions are heightened or even when the mood is slightly disturbed.
“Where the hell is this and who are you?” I shouted in the darkness. And I realized it when someone addressed me as ‘Seo Seung-won.’ That this place is inside the book I read at my brother’s request. And I coughed up blood immediately.
I’m not sure what was wrong; I just assumed that something was wrong because this body and my soul didn’t match. Is it a medical problem? I don’t know. It’s the same with famous doctors, so I’ve just become a young person with an incurable disease.
Because I had been hospitalized for quite a long time, there was no day when the eyes of Seo Seung-won’s mother and father did not dry. In their opinion, it would have been a thunderbolt in the dry sky. Everyone would be shocked and terrified if the eldest son, who was never sick, suddenly lost his memory and howled, then struggled like an overturned stag beetle, screaming and coughing up blood because he couldn’t see.
AD
‘Seo Seung-won’ certainly had an enviable environment, a happy family, and a perfect school life. But I wasn’t envious of any of it. I’ve lived my life in my own way and am satisfied with it. I used to believe I had a pretty good life. So, no matter how happy this body’s background is, I couldn’t accept this unreal life.
But raising the white flag was something else entirely. I was so distressed that I stopped struggling. I exhaled an excruciatingly fast breath but swallowed the agonizing sobs and resentment. It’s because I discovered that when I’m stressed, my nose bleeds, my head hurts as much as I’m in pain, and I vomit blood when it reaches its peak.
It was lonely and difficult to the point of being terribly mentally distressed, but the physical pain was also formidable. I also discovered that the further I distanced myself from my feelings, the less pain I felt. At that moment, I succumbed to the pain and declared defeat. Accepting physical peace was better for my mental health than accepting sadness.
After that, I desperately tried to clear my mind and maintain my composure. When I got the hang of it, I began to wonder if I needed to pretend to be ‘Seo Seung-won,’ so I just pretended to have lost my memory. Seo Seung-won’s family and friends were overwhelmed, but they kept it to themselves. They were all nice people.
Going back to the high school I had graduated from and living someone else’s life for me wasn’t as difficult as I had thought, but that didn’t make it any easier. I was simply disheartened that I couldn’t fully immerse myself in sadness. It was extremely aggravating to have to maintain the unwanted serenity. This alone was too much for me, but I felt like I was going insane because my memory was fading day by day.
I couldn’t remember what my name was. What about my face? What about my family’s faces? Regardless of my will, my life began to collapse. To be honest, I was so terrified that I was disappearing into something unknown that I felt like crying every day.
It was clear that this harsh world hated me terribly. So it takes everything away from me.
I was looking ahead with gloomy eyes when I felt a gaze and turned to meet Seo Seung-jun’s. The guy straightened his back, surprised by the mere glance from me. I wasn’t always a kid who noticed… It was a mix of remorse and bittersweet emotions. How bizarre is the suddenly transformed older brother? You will be frustrated by the sense of distance that is difficult to explain just because you have no memory.
“Seung-won? Are you okay?”
‘Seo Seung-won’s’ father asked about my complexion with a friendly voice. I wanted to scream, but I kept it in like I always do. I don’t want you to be looking at me like that. Because I am not your son. It wasn’t my fault, but I felt like I was suffocating under the weight of the guilt. My eyes began to spin, I became dizzy, and my breathing became erratic.
“Son, are you okay?”
“Seung-won. Look at mom. What’s the matter? Hmm?”
“Are you dizzy again? Do you feel like throwing up? Would you like to sit down?”
I shook my head with difficulty as I gripped the bouquet in my hand. This family that worried about me is not my family. This school, nor those who called friends, are not my friends. Fake, fake, this world is all fake. It’s just a paperback novel. I know they are living, breathing, and living their own lives, but at the end of the day, they are people created by someone into a world.
And ‘Seo Seung-won’ was a supporting character here. I was just waiting because the age and timing for ‘Seo Seung-won’ to appear did not match, but in fact, the novel had already long begun. However, the time has come. The time has come for Seo Seung-won to go on stage. I clenched my fists impatiently.
However, because it was only a starting point, I felt stuffy. I was desperate because the road ahead seemed so long. I still had to wait. Going home took a lot of patience. It was all a race against time.
AD
It’s been a year since I started reading the BL novel that my sister recommended. Seriously, I’m sick of it. All I wanted was an ending. The ending of the main character, and the end of the novel. It was the only way I could be sent home.
The finished play will no longer need an actor, and at that time this cruel world of fiction will send me home. My original home where my family is… A fishy taste drifted from the tip of my tongue at the same time my philtrum was damp. In an instant, my eyes slowly turned upside down, and the blue sky came into my eyes.
“Hey, hey! Hey, Seo Seung-won!”
1. Unrealistic
In the midst of the graduation ceremony, an ant was dead under my feet with its belly capsized. It must have traveled a long distance to return home, but it was unfortunate that it was trampled to death. Seo Seung-won’s father gently hugged my shoulders as I was thinking useless thoughts.
“Seung-won. Hurry up and take a picture with your friends. Everyone is waiting for you.”
His voice was really soft and full of affection as he looked at me. His eyes revealed his love and concern for his children. It was the same with his mother. When they were unsure of something, they were gracious enough to turn their heads away and pretend not to know because their love was burdensome enough to be over deserved.
“Seo Seung-won, come quickly! You’re the only one who left!”
All three guys were young and laughing brightly with flushed faces. Their eyes were so pure that they showed how excited they were to get out of school. They must have been worried, but they seemed happy without any worries. I just felt sick to my stomach. Is it because I can clearly feel that my position is different from theirs? Unlike the guys, I wasn’t from here. To be precise, they are not even human beings in this world.
One day a year ago, I suddenly became a different person. It was also the character in the book, Seo Seung-won…
I remember exactly when I awoke for the first time in this ridiculous world. It was hectic, but the shock was unforgettable. I was flustered and panicked because I was in a strange house with strangers. I tried to run away, shaking off the hands of those who were hugging me and telling me to calm down.
I was feeling strange and dizzy at the time, but I didn’t give it much thought. But as my vision turned dark, I couldn’t possibly ignore anything else. That’s right. This body is a troublesome body that reacts immediately when emotions are heightened or even when the mood is slightly disturbed.
“Where the hell is this and who are you?” I shouted in the darkness. And I realized it when someone addressed me as ‘Seo Seung-won.’ That this place is inside the book I read at my brother’s request. And I coughed up blood immediately.
I’m not sure what was wrong; I just assumed that something was wrong because this body and my soul didn’t match. Is it a medical problem? I don’t know. It’s the same with famous doctors, so I’ve just become a young person with an incurable disease.
Because I had been hospitalized for quite a long time, there was no day when the eyes of Seo Seung-won’s mother and father did not dry. In their opinion, it would have been a thunderbolt in the dry sky. Everyone would be shocked and terrified if the eldest son, who was never sick, suddenly lost his memory and howled, then struggled like an overturned stag beetle, screaming and coughing up blood because he couldn’t see.
AD
‘Seo Seung-won’ certainly had an enviable environment, a happy family, and a perfect school life. But I wasn’t envious of any of it. I’ve lived my life in my own way and am satisfied with it. I used to believe I had a pretty good life. So, no matter how happy this body’s background is, I couldn’t accept this unreal life.
But raising the white flag was something else entirely. I was so distressed that I stopped struggling. I exhaled an excruciatingly fast breath but swallowed the agonizing sobs and resentment. It’s because I discovered that when I’m stressed, my nose bleeds, my head hurts as much as I’m in pain, and I vomit blood when it reaches its peak.
It was lonely and difficult to the point of being terribly mentally distressed, but the physical pain was also formidable. I also discovered that the further I distanced myself from my feelings, the less pain I felt. At that moment, I succumbed to the pain and declared defeat. Accepting physical peace was better for my mental health than accepting sadness.
After that, I desperately tried to clear my mind and maintain my composure. When I got the hang of it, I began to wonder if I needed to pretend to be ‘Seo Seung-won,’ so I just pretended to have lost my memory. Seo Seung-won’s family and friends were overwhelmed, but they kept it to themselves. They were all nice people.
Going back to the high school I had graduated from and living someone else’s life for me wasn’t as difficult as I had thought, but that didn’t make it any easier. I was simply disheartened that I couldn’t fully immerse myself in sadness. It was extremely aggravating to have to maintain the unwanted serenity. This alone was too much for me, but I felt like I was going insane because my memory was fading day by day.
I couldn’t remember what my name was. What about my face? What about my family’s faces? Regardless of my will, my life began to collapse. To be honest, I was so terrified that I was disappearing into something unknown that I felt like crying every day.
It was clear that this harsh world hated me terribly. So it takes everything away from me.
I was looking ahead with gloomy eyes when I felt a gaze and turned to meet Seo Seung-jun’s. The guy straightened his back, surprised by the mere glance from me. I wasn’t always a kid who noticed… It was a mix of remorse and bittersweet emotions. How bizarre is the suddenly transformed older brother? You will be frustrated by the sense of distance that is difficult to explain just because you have no memory.
“Seung-won? Are you okay?”
‘Seo Seung-won’s’ father asked about my complexion with a friendly voice. I wanted to scream, but I kept it in like I always do. I don’t want you to be looking at me like that. Because I am not your son. It wasn’t my fault, but I felt like I was suffocating under the weight of the guilt. My eyes began to spin, I became dizzy, and my breathing became erratic.
“Son, are you okay?”
“Seung-won. Look at mom. What’s the matter? Hmm?”
“Are you dizzy again? Do you feel like throwing up? Would you like to sit down?”
I shook my head with difficulty as I gripped the bouquet in my hand. This family that worried about me is not my family. This school, nor those who called friends, are not my friends. Fake, fake, this world is all fake. It’s just a paperback novel. I know they are living, breathing, and living their own lives, but at the end of the day, they are people created by someone into a world.
And ‘Seo Seung-won’ was a supporting character here. I was just waiting because the age and timing for ‘Seo Seung-won’ to appear did not match, but in fact, the novel had already long begun. However, the time has come. The time has come for Seo Seung-won to go on stage. I clenched my fists impatiently.
However, because it was only a starting point, I felt stuffy. I was desperate because the road ahead seemed so long. I still had to wait. Going home took a lot of patience. It was all a race against time.
AD
It’s been a year since I started reading the BL novel that my sister recommended. Seriously, I’m sick of it. All I wanted was an ending. The ending of the main character, and the end of the novel. It was the only way I could be sent home.
The finished play will no longer need an actor, and at that time this cruel world of fiction will send me home. My original home where my family is… A fishy taste drifted from the tip of my tongue at the same time my philtrum was damp. In an instant, my eyes slowly turned upside down, and the blue sky came into my eyes.
“Hey, hey! Hey, Seo Seung-won!”
