I was under the blanket. When I dreamt like this, it felt like watching a black-and-white film of my distant childhood, where I couldn’t remember anything, but recently, it felt more like watching a play with actors hired just for their resemblance to me.
Or rather, him. (Referring to himself in his world)
Tears trickled down my chin as I stepped out from under the blanket. I was dressed in my high school uniform. I had a name tag in my hand, and my knuckles were white from gripping it so hard. I stretched out my trembling hand and something rolled onto the floor. It was the name tag. I couldn’t tell whose name tag it was, as it was turned upside down.
It was difficult to see myself crying as if the world had ended. It was the seventeen-year-old me. Although I looked like I was all grown up, I still wiped away my tears while holding back sobs like a child. As the seventeen-year-old me took off the school uniform, a deep bruise was visible under the shirt. I probably haven’t been beaten since I entered high school, but my body was in shambles as if that weren’t the case. It must be painful, but I didn’t show any signs of it and changed into comfortable clothes.
I sit in front of my desk and open the workbook. The sound of solving problems one by one was familiar to my ears. Oh, this awkward feeling of peering into someone else’s life. Waiting for my dream to end, I closed my eyes. I heard a soft sobbing sound. When I opened my eyes and turned my head towards the desk, I saw myself fidgeting on the chair. I looked around the room again.
Just like my room now, there were many workbooks and books on the bookshelf. It was a student-like room. The only difference was the absence of my favorite books; instead, there were heavy and dense academic texts. It was so tidy that it almost felt obsessive, and there was nothing else to suggest the owner’s hobbies or preferences. The room had no personal touch, making it difficult to determine the occupant’s interests.
The only human scent I could detect came from the tears falling from his salt-stained eyes. Out of curiosity, I squatted down next to him and looked at the name tag on the floor. It seemed to belong to the senior. I glanced at the back of my seventeen-year-old self again. My seventeen-year-old self was sitting there, holding back tears while rubbing my reddened cheeks. How much must I have liked him to be this heartbroken?
Still, I’m in my first year of high school now. I was making a wise choice. Even if I don’t want to study now, it would be better to just do it since I had to. Any feelings of reluctance would pass, and in the end, all that remained were the results.
– Sniff, ugh. Sob. Uh.
Does a person’s heart have weight? What about memories? If there were, then the difference between the me there and the me now was so great that I could easily be considered a different person. The reason I liked that senior so much was that he seemed unbeatable. He had the freedom and strength to easily live in the world. I truly admired him. But it wasn’t love.
‘Why did you fall in love with that senior?’
– Sniff, ugh, uh.
The only answer that came back was a hiccup. I was frustrated because I couldn’t remember anything, but strangely, I couldn’t think of anything. Leaving that aside, what happened to the zombie movie? Taesung’s face appeared in my mind as I turned my gaze. Dimples appeared at the corners of his mouth that were raised as he smiled mischievously.
“I watched it because you kept insisting. What if you doze off like that?”
“Who insist… uh.”
It must have been an important scene, but I missed it all due to my drowsiness.
“Is it over? What happened?”
“They all died.”
“Even the main character?”
“Even the main character.”
So, there are movies where the main character dies. Well, considering how many movies there are in the world, there must be plenty with a plot where everyone dies. I yawned and licked my still-damp fingertips. They tasted like peaches.
“Just take a nap.”
“What about you, hyung?”
“I’ll read a book.”
I looked at the tip of his chin with sleepy eyes and then shifted my gaze to the book he had taken out.
“Uh, that… You haven’t read it all yet, right?”
“Yeah. I haven’t read it all yet.”
I rubbed my eye area and nodded my head. I had mentioned the book before because I found it interesting, and now seeing him interested in it made me smile.
“I remember you talking about it so enthusiastically that I wanted to read it too. How far have you gotten?”
“I don’t know the page number, but there were two culprits.”
Since I had read the book before my final exams, I couldn’t recall the exact number of pages, so I just mentioned the plot, but then I quickly shut my mouth. I had been talking as if I had already finished the book to someone who hadn’t read it yet. However, there was no sign of irritation from him, despite my carelessness. In fact, he seemed genuinely pleased. Looking back, he was always willing to back down as long as I didn’t cross certain lines. I often felt the urge to rebel, but he never tried to win a verbal fight or act unreasonably.
“I’ll wake you up when I read all the way there.”
Ah, that wasn’t a bad suggestion. I didn’t want to waste our time together, but my back was aching, and I was tired all over. I nestled beside Taesungje, who was lying diagonally. He gently touched my cheek as if telling me to wait a moment.
It must have been a while since he had dedicated reading time. I wondered if he would actually find it enjoyable. He turned the pages slowly at regular intervals. The bedroom was filled with the sound of his heartbeat and the rustling of pages. Usually, just lying still and listening to noise would have been tiresome, but strangely, it didn’t bother me. Instead, it felt comfortable and relaxing.
As I was about to drift off into a light nap, I noticed his shadowy face naturally entering my field of vision. He likes me. I’m so happy. I closed my eyes tightly and buried my head in his chest. Exhaling slowly, I succumbed to the overwhelming sleepiness.
A grand and imposing entrance appeared. What memory was this? I furrowed my brows in confusion. Someone with a similar aura stood beside me, almost my height. It was me. Awkwardness couldn’t be hidden, and I instinctively took a step back. When he reached for the doorknob, it was only then that I realized this was our home. He opened the door. I didn’t think of anything as I watched until the end.
Until I saw my younger sister sitting on the living room floor.
Their gazes tangled, and an oppressive silence settled between them. Even without seeing their faces, the tension was palpable. Her hair was disheveled and her clothes were all wrinkled. As if she’d been beaten.
It was the moment when she was about to talk. A hook-like hand suddenly shot out and grabbed a tuft of her long hair. It was our father. For a moment, I thought I saw a flashing knife. If the heart could hiccup too, would this be what it felt like? It felt like my heart was pounding loudly enough to reach my ears.
After all, that person, our father also laid hands on his daughter. My younger sister couldn’t resist even once and was dragged away. That place… That place was my father’s study, where I had often been punished. He, who had been frozen like me, came to his senses and followed after them.
When I woke up in this world, I wanted to go back home as if my life depended on it. It felt strange, this insatiable desire to return home. Now, I finally understand why. Violence has no specific target. I had lived forgetting that.
The background has been changed. A heated argument erupted between father and son in my father’s study, where I did not dare to raise my voice. Strange. I realized that I could shout like that as well. I stood there dumbfoundedly, staring at my younger sister as she dropped her head and sobbed uncontrollably.
That wasn’t the only thing that was strange. My affectionate feelings toward my younger sister disappeared. I had expected to feel guilty, but instead, it felt refreshing. It was as if the heavy shackles on my legs had been removed.
If the heart had weight, did it also have size? The heaviest and bulkiest thing seemed to have become inconspicuous and lightweight. My body and soul felt so light that I could almost fly. Conversely, there had been a day in the past that felt like a storm, but now it was like finding the eye of the hurricane, a tranquil calmness. I buried my face in my hands.
Someone screamed like a wild animal. I couldn’t tell if it was my father, me, or my sister. Where was Mother? Was she at home? My calm breathing became erratic, and as soon as I lowered my hands, countless people appeared.
A large complex building as bright as midday. Shopping bags hanging from their arms swayed nervously. Two young children let go of their parents’ hands and boarded the escalator. A newlywed-like couple passed by me. Groups of university students carrying movie posters, elderly people, and children…
My heart was pounding like crazy like the sound of footsteps rushing around everywhere. There was a discordant sound somewhere. It was the sound of hell that would open its mouth and swallow these countless people. I wanted to scream as loudly as I could, “Run, everyone! The building is collapsing!”
“Ugh…”
Even if I shouted loudly, the sound that came out was poor. Well, even if you yell at me to die, that’s in the past anyway. The moment to face the time I had so strenuously ignored had arrived. It was death.
No, I don’t want to die.
My head was pounding and I felt disoriented. As I was flailing my arms around, I suddenly realized that my breathing sounded strange. I was hyperventilating. The sound of rapid breathing and the agony of suffocation made me scared and anxious. I dug my fingernails into my throat. I was running out of oxygen.
“…Won, Seo Seung-won!”
Everything turned pitch black in front of me. No, that wasn’t it. My vision had disappeared. I couldn’t see anything at all. I had experienced this several times before, but when my vision suddenly flickered to darkness, I screamed in chilling terror. I screamed for help. I sobbed, saying I wanted to stop. I didn’t even understand what I was saying.
I felt a familiar smell at the tip of my nose, and it was solid and comforting. I finally came to my senses after catching my rough breath, but I didn’t know if I was really sane right now. I have no idea what I’m doing. What am I doing here? The remaining intact parts seemed to be falling apart as if sand were being pulled out of a sand castle.
I was trembling as I hung on someone’s thick forearm, then scraped my face and arms with my fingernails as if I were a madman. I tried my best to regain my composure. Eventually, my memory came flooding back. It was an expected event. I just didn’t expect it to be so uneventful. That was the shock. It felt like a hole had suddenly opened in my emptiness.
I was under the blanket. When I dreamt like this, it felt like watching a black-and-white film of my distant childhood, where I couldn’t remember anything, but recently, it felt more like watching a play with actors hired just for their resemblance to me.
Or rather, him. (Referring to himself in his world)
Tears trickled down my chin as I stepped out from under the blanket. I was dressed in my high school uniform. I had a name tag in my hand, and my knuckles were white from gripping it so hard. I stretched out my trembling hand and something rolled onto the floor. It was the name tag. I couldn’t tell whose name tag it was, as it was turned upside down.
It was difficult to see myself crying as if the world had ended. It was the seventeen-year-old me. Although I looked like I was all grown up, I still wiped away my tears while holding back sobs like a child. As the seventeen-year-old me took off the school uniform, a deep bruise was visible under the shirt. I probably haven’t been beaten since I entered high school, but my body was in shambles as if that weren’t the case. It must be painful, but I didn’t show any signs of it and changed into comfortable clothes.
I sit in front of my desk and open the workbook. The sound of solving problems one by one was familiar to my ears. Oh, this awkward feeling of peering into someone else’s life. Waiting for my dream to end, I closed my eyes. I heard a soft sobbing sound. When I opened my eyes and turned my head towards the desk, I saw myself fidgeting on the chair. I looked around the room again.
Just like my room now, there were many workbooks and books on the bookshelf. It was a student-like room. The only difference was the absence of my favorite books; instead, there were heavy and dense academic texts. It was so tidy that it almost felt obsessive, and there was nothing else to suggest the owner’s hobbies or preferences. The room had no personal touch, making it difficult to determine the occupant’s interests.
The only human scent I could detect came from the tears falling from his salt-stained eyes. Out of curiosity, I squatted down next to him and looked at the name tag on the floor. It seemed to belong to the senior. I glanced at the back of my seventeen-year-old self again. My seventeen-year-old self was sitting there, holding back tears while rubbing my reddened cheeks. How much must I have liked him to be this heartbroken?
Still, I’m in my first year of high school now. I was making a wise choice. Even if I don’t want to study now, it would be better to just do it since I had to. Any feelings of reluctance would pass, and in the end, all that remained were the results.
– Sniff, ugh. Sob. Uh.
Does a person’s heart have weight? What about memories? If there were, then the difference between the me there and the me now was so great that I could easily be considered a different person. The reason I liked that senior so much was that he seemed unbeatable. He had the freedom and strength to easily live in the world. I truly admired him. But it wasn’t love.
‘Why did you fall in love with that senior?’
– Sniff, ugh, uh.
The only answer that came back was a hiccup. I was frustrated because I couldn’t remember anything, but strangely, I couldn’t think of anything. Leaving that aside, what happened to the zombie movie? Taesung’s face appeared in my mind as I turned my gaze. Dimples appeared at the corners of his mouth that were raised as he smiled mischievously.
“I watched it because you kept insisting. What if you doze off like that?”
“Who insist… uh.”
It must have been an important scene, but I missed it all due to my drowsiness.
“Is it over? What happened?”
“They all died.”
“Even the main character?”
“Even the main character.”
So, there are movies where the main character dies. Well, considering how many movies there are in the world, there must be plenty with a plot where everyone dies. I yawned and licked my still-damp fingertips. They tasted like peaches.
“Just take a nap.”
“What about you, hyung?”
“I’ll read a book.”
I looked at the tip of his chin with sleepy eyes and then shifted my gaze to the book he had taken out.
“Uh, that… You haven’t read it all yet, right?”
“Yeah. I haven’t read it all yet.”
I rubbed my eye area and nodded my head. I had mentioned the book before because I found it interesting, and now seeing him interested in it made me smile.
“I remember you talking about it so enthusiastically that I wanted to read it too. How far have you gotten?”
“I don’t know the page number, but there were two culprits.”
Since I had read the book before my final exams, I couldn’t recall the exact number of pages, so I just mentioned the plot, but then I quickly shut my mouth. I had been talking as if I had already finished the book to someone who hadn’t read it yet. However, there was no sign of irritation from him, despite my carelessness. In fact, he seemed genuinely pleased. Looking back, he was always willing to back down as long as I didn’t cross certain lines. I often felt the urge to rebel, but he never tried to win a verbal fight or act unreasonably.
“I’ll wake you up when I read all the way there.”
Ah, that wasn’t a bad suggestion. I didn’t want to waste our time together, but my back was aching, and I was tired all over. I nestled beside Taesungje, who was lying diagonally. He gently touched my cheek as if telling me to wait a moment.
It must have been a while since he had dedicated reading time. I wondered if he would actually find it enjoyable. He turned the pages slowly at regular intervals. The bedroom was filled with the sound of his heartbeat and the rustling of pages. Usually, just lying still and listening to noise would have been tiresome, but strangely, it didn’t bother me. Instead, it felt comfortable and relaxing.
As I was about to drift off into a light nap, I noticed his shadowy face naturally entering my field of vision. He likes me. I’m so happy. I closed my eyes tightly and buried my head in his chest. Exhaling slowly, I succumbed to the overwhelming sleepiness.
A grand and imposing entrance appeared. What memory was this? I furrowed my brows in confusion. Someone with a similar aura stood beside me, almost my height. It was me. Awkwardness couldn’t be hidden, and I instinctively took a step back. When he reached for the doorknob, it was only then that I realized this was our home. He opened the door. I didn’t think of anything as I watched until the end.
Until I saw my younger sister sitting on the living room floor.
Their gazes tangled, and an oppressive silence settled between them. Even without seeing their faces, the tension was palpable. Her hair was disheveled and her clothes were all wrinkled. As if she’d been beaten.
It was the moment when she was about to talk. A hook-like hand suddenly shot out and grabbed a tuft of her long hair. It was our father. For a moment, I thought I saw a flashing knife. If the heart could hiccup too, would this be what it felt like? It felt like my heart was pounding loudly enough to reach my ears.
After all, that person, our father also laid hands on his daughter. My younger sister couldn’t resist even once and was dragged away. That place… That place was my father’s study, where I had often been punished. He, who had been frozen like me, came to his senses and followed after them.
When I woke up in this world, I wanted to go back home as if my life depended on it. It felt strange, this insatiable desire to return home. Now, I finally understand why. Violence has no specific target. I had lived forgetting that.
The background has been changed. A heated argument erupted between father and son in my father’s study, where I did not dare to raise my voice. Strange. I realized that I could shout like that as well. I stood there dumbfoundedly, staring at my younger sister as she dropped her head and sobbed uncontrollably.
That wasn’t the only thing that was strange. My affectionate feelings toward my younger sister disappeared. I had expected to feel guilty, but instead, it felt refreshing. It was as if the heavy shackles on my legs had been removed.
If the heart had weight, did it also have size? The heaviest and bulkiest thing seemed to have become inconspicuous and lightweight. My body and soul felt so light that I could almost fly. Conversely, there had been a day in the past that felt like a storm, but now it was like finding the eye of the hurricane, a tranquil calmness. I buried my face in my hands.
Someone screamed like a wild animal. I couldn’t tell if it was my father, me, or my sister. Where was Mother? Was she at home? My calm breathing became erratic, and as soon as I lowered my hands, countless people appeared.
A large complex building as bright as midday. Shopping bags hanging from their arms swayed nervously. Two young children let go of their parents’ hands and boarded the escalator. A newlywed-like couple passed by me. Groups of university students carrying movie posters, elderly people, and children…
My heart was pounding like crazy like the sound of footsteps rushing around everywhere. There was a discordant sound somewhere. It was the sound of hell that would open its mouth and swallow these countless people. I wanted to scream as loudly as I could, “Run, everyone! The building is collapsing!”
“Ugh…”
Even if I shouted loudly, the sound that came out was poor. Well, even if you yell at me to die, that’s in the past anyway. The moment to face the time I had so strenuously ignored had arrived. It was death.
No, I don’t want to die.
My head was pounding and I felt disoriented. As I was flailing my arms around, I suddenly realized that my breathing sounded strange. I was hyperventilating. The sound of rapid breathing and the agony of suffocation made me scared and anxious. I dug my fingernails into my throat. I was running out of oxygen.
“…Won, Seo Seung-won!”
Everything turned pitch black in front of me. No, that wasn’t it. My vision had disappeared. I couldn’t see anything at all. I had experienced this several times before, but when my vision suddenly flickered to darkness, I screamed in chilling terror. I screamed for help. I sobbed, saying I wanted to stop. I didn’t even understand what I was saying.
I felt a familiar smell at the tip of my nose, and it was solid and comforting. I finally came to my senses after catching my rough breath, but I didn’t know if I was really sane right now. I have no idea what I’m doing. What am I doing here? The remaining intact parts seemed to be falling apart as if sand were being pulled out of a sand castle.
I was trembling as I hung on someone’s thick forearm, then scraped my face and arms with my fingernails as if I were a madman. I tried my best to regain my composure. Eventually, my memory came flooding back. It was an expected event. I just didn’t expect it to be so uneventful. That was the shock. It felt like a hole had suddenly opened in my emptiness.
