We get taken back to the capital and are arranged to live in the palace. Even though it is not as luxurious as the palace of Princess Wusun from before, there is no shortage of anything and no lack of court ladies to serve us. And compared to before, we have more freedom. Lu Guang says he wants to listen to teachings of Buddha and had Rajiva accompany him every day. As a result, Rajiva becomes something like an advisor and appears by Lu Guang’s side every day, [thus] unable to participate in any activities at the Cakuri Temple.
Listening to Rajiva describing his boring daily administrative affairs, I come to realize Lu Guang’s true purpose. He no longer wants to suppress Rajiva and has given up on his attempt to make Rajiva his mouthpiece. However, Rajiva’s deep commitment to his vocation makes Lu Guang wary. Cakuri Temple is only forty li away from the capital. The number of monks plus the residents of Subashi City make up about tens of thousands of people. It can be said that should Rajiva want to rally, he would have a powerful force behind him. Lu Guang is not at ease with letting Rajiva remain outside of his control. He wants Rajiva by his side every day so that he can keep an eye on him.
I tell Rajiva that those in power are always like this. Historically, emperors never like to have a monk who has the power to rally supporters to live in some remote mountain, outside of their control. For what if the monk gathers enough believers to raise a [military] banner and rebel? Xuanzang had the confidence of Emperor Taizong of Tang, yet when he requested to go to Shaolin Temple at Mt. Song1 in the later years of his life to translate scriptures, he was severely rejected. From this, one can glimpse proof2 of an emperor’s extreme egoism.
1 present-day Dengfeng County, Henan Province. Some may recognize this temple as the cradle of Shaolin kung fu; it is also the birthplace of Chan Buddhism (or more commonly known as Zen Buddhism
2 The word used here is actually 一斑 (yībān), which literally translates to ‘one spot [on a leopard]’, meaning one item in a big scheme of things.
Rajiva remains silent for a long while. Being high-born, he is impervious to and ignores secular authority. In fact, he still has not realized that religion can never get rid of nor transcend secular authority. The power of the Catholic Church during the Middle Ages spread all over Europe, making it seem as though it was the true ruler of the whole of Europe. However, the royal families of smaller European countries were unwilling to submit and started religious reformations one after another. The most daring example was Henry VIII of England, who established a new state religion and proclaimed removal of the Roman Catholic Pope from being head of the Church. The dispute between religion and secular authority took up a large part of the history of medieval Europe. In the end, religion had to take a step back and became a spiritual tool and dependent on royal authority.
Ever since Lu Guang captured Kucha, Rajiva has protected everything with his life and dignity, but in this fierce confrontation with those in power, he has always been at a disadvantage. Even if the unexpected turn of events did bring us together, from another perspective, was that not a defeat for religion? But these theories of political economy, I do not want to tell him. Even if he can understand and accept these theories, I should not influence him with my modern thought. But I believe he will realize this truth in the end, because when Yao Xing appears, he would utilize secular power to complete his mission. However, this kind of understanding would take seventeen years—seventeen years of inaction in Guzang. Is that not lamentable for him? Or from an optimistic point of view, these seventeen years where he keeps a low profile are necessary to prepare him for the last and most glorious journey of his life.
Leaning on his shoulders, I silently transfer my strength to him. No matter what happens in the [next] seventeen years, I hope that my company will bring him happiness.
“Miss Ai Qing! Ah, that’s wrong, [I] should be calling [you] Princess.”
I turn my head and see Duan Ye walking towards me, dressed in a big wool coat. At the moment, I have just left the palace and am about to visit the two lovely children at the State Preceptor’s residence.
Duan Ye steps closer and greets me with a smile: “It has been a long while since I have seen Princess, but contrary to what I expected, you look livelier than before.”
I hurriedly return his greetings. He had accompanied Lu Guang to Cakuri Temple that day, but only recognized me when we returned to the capital. Kuchan customs are pretty open, and there are not many prohibitions in the palace. As such, Lu Guang’s generals are allowed to come and go in the palace. At the time, he was following Du Jin when they ran into me. Du Jin had told him that I am the Kuchan princess that married Master Kumarajiva. The astonishment on his face lasted for a while.*
* [T/N: Duan Ye is currently a low-ranked officer under Du Jin, one of Lu Guang’s generals; both of them are real historical figures. As a refresher, Ai Qing first met Duan Ye upon returning to Kucha—see Ch. 40. She had pretended to be Duan Ye’s concubine at the time to make her escape from the pits of corpses, and later had to bribe him with some “fortune-telling” to get him to play along with her ruse.]
“Princess, it is bitterly cold1. How about Duan-mou invites Princess to have a cup of warm wine?”
1 天寒地冻 (tiānhándìdòng): lit. ‘sky cold, ground frozen’, a chengyu but pretty self-explanatory here.
Duan Ye gestures towards a liquor shop on the street, a silent signal in his eyes. I nod. Just in time, for I also want to get some news from him.
Duan Ye asks for a room, and we ask the server to wait outside. Once we are alone in the room, Duan Ye lowers his voice and says:
“Princess, Chang’an is currently under siege by Murong Chong. Heavenly King [Fu Jian] is helpless and has issued four edicts, urging General Lu to return to Chang’an as soon as possible.”
I look up at him in silence. [Regarding] Murong Chong, the Book of Jin wrote that [he] “has the appearance of [a] Longyang1” and is the youngest son of Former Yan Emperor Murong Jun. After Former Yan was destroyed by Fu Jian, at the age of twelve, Murong Chong followed his sister, Princess Qinghe, and moved into Fu Jian’s hougong2. The brother and sister pair [then] received their fill of doting. Wang Meng3 had to repeatedly admonish Fu Jian for him to release Murong Chong from the palace, granting him [Murong Chong] the title Governor of Pingyang Commandery4.
1 龙阳 (Lóngyang) is a euphemism for a gay man. The origin of the word comes from the name of Longyang-jun (or Lord Longyang), who was a lover of King Ai of Wei during the Warring States period (475 to 221 BCE). This story was recorded in Records of the Warring States (and where the period got its name from). Historical records indicate that Murong Chong had a sexual relationship with Fu Jian.
2 后宫 (hòugong): lit. ‘[the] palace behind’ or ‘back palace’, refers to Chinese imperial palace(s) where the emperor’s consorts and concubines reside. [T/N: Hougong is commonly translated as ‘harem’ but this is an Arabic loan word, and the conflation of Muslim and Chinese culture is too Orientalist for my liking so I’m leaving it untranslated.]
3 Wang Meng (325–375 CE), courtesy name Jinglüe (景略), formally Marquess Wu of Qinghe (清河武侯), served as prime minister to the Former Qin emperor Fu Jiān. It was with Wang Meng’s assistance that Fu Jian was able to bring his reign to the heights it did. [T/N: Wang Meng has already passed at this point in our novel’s settings.]
4 Pingyang is roughly modern Linfen, Shanxi Province.
Duan Ye sneered: “This white barbarian1 Murong has the pet name Phoenix. In the past, Chang’an people had a saying: ‘Phoenix, phoenix stopped by Epang2.’ Heavenly King thought it was an auspicious sign and had hundred thousands of wutong3 and bamboo trees planted, waiting for a phoenix to arrive. Ironically, Murong Chong defeated the Heavenly King’s army right at Epang, so did that not mean the prophecy had come true? Heavenly King did not listen to Wang Jinglue’s advice, indulged the Xianbei people, and now ended up in this plight.” (Author’s note: Wang Meng’s courtesy name was Jinglue.)
1 白虏 (bái lǔ): 白 = ‘white’, and 虏 = ‘prisoner of war / (old) northern barbarian / slave’ (per MDBG). This was a derogatory term used by the Di people of Former Qin to refer to Xianbei people. It was recorded in Book of Jin’s biography on Fu Jian. [T/N: Murong Chong was technically a war prisoner, but since the Xianbei was one of the five non-Han tribes collectively called Wu Hu or Five Barbarians by ancient Han Chinese, and MDBG did have ‘northern barbarian’ in the list of definitions, I ended up translating 虏 as ‘barbarian’.]
2 阿房(ē páng): referring to Epang Palace, located in Chang’an and what is now western Xi’an, Shaanxi Province, which was a palace complex of Qin Shi Huang [lit. First Emperor of Qin, not to be confused with Fu Jian’s Former Qin state, which came six centuries later]. Construction of the palace began in 212 BCE but was never completed.
3 梧桐 (wútóng): scientific name firmiana simplex, commonly known as Chinese parasol tree. In ancient Chinese folklore, wutong and bamboo trees were phoenixes’ favourite trees to land on. This anecdote about Fu Jian planting these trees was recorded in Spring and Autumn Annals of the Sixteen Kingdoms.
The Xianbei and Han people are not of the same ethnicity. Their [the Xianbei’s] skin is fair; they are happy, healthy and strong people. The Murong royal family was full of handsome men and beautiful women—the Di people1 called them ‘white barbarians’. Murong Chong was only twenty-five years old at this time and led a disorderly band2, but Fu Jian’s forces were diminishing in strength and he was thus forced out of Chang’an. While he was fleeing, Fu Jian was captured by Yao Chang3, a Qiang person. In May of 385 CE, Fu Jian, the tragic hero of the Sixteen Kingdoms period, was killed by Yao Chang, who threw stones at him when he had already fallen into the well4. As for the person with the appearance that could cause ‘the downfall of a city, the downfall of a country’5, Murong Chong: After conquering Chang’an, he allowed soldiers to burn, kill, loot and do all kinds of evil, turning the thousand li of Guanzhong into the hell of Avici. And because he was afraid of the strength of his uncle Murong Chui’s forces, Murong Chong dared not to return to his homeland. Less than a year after he proclaimed himself emperor, Murong Chong was killed by his own men; he was twenty-seven years of age at the time.
1 The Di people was one of the five non-Han tribes collectively called Wu Hu or Five Barbarians by ancient Han Chinese. Fu Jian is of Di ethnicity.
2 乌合之众 (wū hé zhī zhòng): a chengyu, lit. ‘a crowd gathering [like] crows’, refers to a group without any organization or discipline. The chengyu originated from the Biography of Geng Yan in Book of Later Han.
3 founding emperor of the Later Qin state. He was of Qiang ethnicity, was one of the five non-Han tribes collectively called Wu Hu or Five Barbarians by ancient Han Chinese.
4 落井下石 (luò jǐng xià shí): a chengyu, lit. ‘stoning [somebody who] fell into a well’, meaning to further harm somebody who is already facing difficulties. This chengyu is particularly apt here because it also described Yao Chang’s treacherous nature. Yao Chang was previously a general under Fu Jian but after an incident where Fu Jian killed his messengers in anger (reporting on the death of Fu Jian’s brother, Fu Rui), Yao Chang feared for his life. abandoned his troops, and gathered the Qiang people to rebel.
5 倾国倾城 (qīng guó qīng chéng): a chengyu, lit. ‘pour out country, pour out city’. This chengyu is most commonly attributed to the story of Consort Li, a concubine of Emperor Wu of Han, who was summoned to court after her brother, a court musician, sang about a peerless beauty and got the emperor curious. However, scholars believed the true origin of this chengyu comes from a poem in Shijing or the Book of Songs, which ridiculed an emperor’s favouring of a woman, leading to the ruin of the state. Modern usage of the chengyu is not as sardonic, and instead is used as sincere praise of a beautiful woman. That is not the case here in regards to Murong Chong.
This awful* part of history is happening in the ancient capital, Chang’an, which is a thousand li away from me, making me naturally filled with emotions. But why is Duan Ye telling me all of this?
* 惊心动魄 (jīng xīn dòng pò): a chengyu, lit. ‘startling heart, body moved’, originally used to describe poetry and art so beautiful that it strikes you deep with surprise and feelings, but has come be used to describe something that have you shaken to the core, disturbed. [T/N: I originally translated it as ‘terrifying’ but changed to ‘awful’ after my beta reader pointed out that this chengyu “is kinda like how awful started as “full of awe” but now means something that is so horribly bad”.]
Reading the confusion in my eyes, Duan Ye continues lowering his voice and says: “At the moment, General Lu is having hesitations. If he returns to Chang’an, where Heavenly King is facing converging attack from both the Xianbei and Qiang peoples, the prospects are bleak. General Lu’s return would be a loss for both the army and the general1, so his heart is not willing. But if he does not return, once Heavenly King overcomes this calamity and decides to investigate someday, then General Lu will be facing great trouble2.”
1 损兵折将 (sǔn bīng zhé jiàng): chengyu, lit. ‘loss [in] army, loss [for] general’, originated from a game set-up in a Chinese chess manual called 《千里独行》 or ‘A Thousand Li Alone’.
2 大难临头 (dà nàn lín tóu): chengyu, lit. ‘great trouble approaching head’, meaning one’s head is on the line.
“Then what does Duan-canjun1 wish this lowly self2 do?” I quietly take a sip of the hot tea.
1 参軍 (cānjūn): roughly a lower-ranked administrator
2 妾 (qiè): I, your servant (deprecatory self-reference for women)
“Now that the Master is accompanying General Lu, if the Master could use his power of chenwei* and persuade General Lu to return to Chang’an as soon as possible, even if General Lu does not believe in Buddha, he would listen to the words of chenwei.”
* divination combined with mystical Confucian philosophy, prevalent during the Eastern Han Dynasty (25-220 CE).
A thought rises up in my heart. I ask: “Why does Duan-canjun wish for General Lu to return?”
“Like most of the soldiers in the army, Duan-mou’s family is in Guanzhong. I miss my parents, wives and children, so I have been looking forward to returning.” He lets out a calculating smile and lowers his voice once again, “‘A ring of light will appear in Jiankang, and great achievements await in Hexi.’* Regardless of where Jiankang and Hexi are, they definitely cannot be in the Western Regions. If Duan-mou wants to achieve success, he cannot stay in Kucha forever.”
* quoting Ai Qing’s words of ‘prophecy’ to him, see Ch. 41.
I open my mouth, but there are no words. So this was his original intention! Regardless of Duan Ye’s abilities, he is at least as ambitious as the self-proclaimed heroes of this era. I stay in silence for a while before speaking:
“This lowly self has been out for a long while and ought to take her leave.”
I stand up and walk towards the door, then pause and say:
“The Master alone is unlikely to make General Lu make up his mind. Why doesn’t Duan-canjun try his hands at persuading the General? If actions are not taken quickly, once everything settles and all the lands are divided into pieces, General Lu would only get leftovers.”
Lu Guang’s final decision, of course, will be to leave. It is currently the end of December, and the Silk Road is blocked by heavy snow. Because of that, he will have to wait a couple months before he can depart.
That day, after analyzing the situation in the Central Plains, I tell Rajiva:
“Rajiva, you must persuade him to return to the Central Plains.”
According to historical records, Lu Guang only returned after hearing Rajiva’s advice. But I do not believe that Rajiva has that much of an influence on him. Lu Guang hesitated – on one hand, it was because he still wanted to plunder Kucha’s wealth, and on the other hand, it was because he wanted to observe the situation in the Central Plains. He is returning not because he is afraid of Fu Jian, but because he intends to grab a piece of land when the (Former) Qin Empire disintegrates. After all, due to geographical reasons, the Western Regions are made up of small kingdoms which are oases around a desert, and though each kingdom’s strength is small, to occupy them all would require too high of management cost. Meanwhile, the land in the Central Plains is vast and fertile, much easier to establish a stable regime. Furthermore, all of his soldiers are from Guanzhong. They have been away from home for a while, so they must all want to return. That is why, after much weighing and calculating, returning [to Chang’an] is the best policy. Now, as long as Rajiva and Duan Ye launch a converging attack, Lu Guang should come to a decision in the near future.
“Rajiva understands. If he leaves, it would be a blessing for Kucha.”
He gazes at the snow falling like goose feathers outside the windows, eyes full of melancholy. In a couple months, he will have to leave his hometown, never to return. I clasp my hand with his and lean against his shoulder, and together we listen to the sound of snow falling outside. This will be the last time we get to see this beautiful snowy scenery.
For Han’s [Lunar] New Year, Lu Guang makes a big celebration. The Di people have been Sinicized* for a long time, so their customs are no different from the Han’s. Everywhere in the palace is decorated with lanterns and colourful banners. On New Year’s Eve, we receive invitation to have dinner in the main hall. Lu Guang announces that he would return to Chang’an come spring to the joyous cheers of his soldiers and generals. He then turns to Rajiva and says that by the order of Heavenly King of Great Qin, he is inviting Rajiva to also go to Chang’an to hold lectures. Rajiva calmly accepts. Lu Guang does not let him leave early, only allows him to drink tea instead of wine. Only when midnight comes, the fireworks are lighting up the sky and the music has stopped, does the banquet end. And just like that, the year of 385 CE has arrived. The biggest historical event that will happen this year will be the death of Fu Jian. With his death, the Central Plains will enter a new chapter.
* referring to Sinicization, the process by which non-Chinese societies (be it the ethnic minorities or the neighbouring East/Southeast Asian countries) come under the influence of Chinese—more specifically, Han-Chinese—culture and customs.
In the same year, Murong Chong, the Xianbei gay man who once served Fu Jian, declared himself emperor and his state would become recorded in history as Western Yan. But because his reign was chaotic and perished in a year, Western Yan was not included in the list of Sixteen Kingdoms.
In the same year, Yao Chang, the founding emperor of Later Qin, would strangle Fu Jian with a bowstring and then attack Murong Chong in Chang’an. The next year, Yao Chang would enter Chang’an and turn it into the capital of Later Qin, until Liu Yu carried out his Northern expedition and ended Later Qin.
In the same year, the Xianbei people in Longxi begged Qifu Guoren to establish political power in the region that is now south of Gansu and north of Qinghai. But because of its weak power, the state would have to attach itself to more powerful states, and the rulers would only call themselves Chanyu, Governor, or King of Qin. This state would later be named in historical records as Western Qin.
Also in the same year, a hero would emerge in the grasslands of Inner Mongolia. The Tuoba tribe of Xianbei, under the leadership of the sixteen-year-old Tuoba Gui, was restored and Northern Wei was thus established. In the year 439 CE, Northern Wei destroyed Later Liang, the last of the Sixteen Kingdoms. Northern China, after 135 years of chaos and war, would finally be unified. After that, Northern and Southern Dynasties would last for 150 years, until the Sui Dynasty unified the whole of China.
[T/N: If you are as confused as I am regarding these kingdoms/states and unable to keep straight which is which, or if you’re a history nerd and would like to learn more, here is a handy Wikipedia chart of chronology that is also colour-coded by ethnicities of the founders. If you scroll up in that Wiki page, there are also maps for visualization of the various territories.]
I am making a snowman in the courtyard with Qiu Si and Yong Si [Pusysdeva’s children]. The two children are wrapped up in thick, warm clothes, and their little red cheeks are adorable, really make one unable to part with them*. After making the snowman, we then play rock, paper, and scissors; whoever loses has to put on a blindfold while the rest hide. Laughter rings across the courtyard. I lose on purpose, put on the blindfold, and pretend to be the big bad wolf; the two little Red Riding Hoods have a wildly fun time.
* 爱不释手 (ài bù shì shǒu): chengyu, lit. ‘love unable [to] release hands’, meaning to love something/someone too much to part
“Ha! Got you!”
Huh, this figure is definitely not a child. I pull the blindfold down and see Pusysdeva standing in front of me with a smile.
“Ai Qing, you are still as silly as you were more than twenty years ago!”
A snowball lands on him. It was not me who threw it, even though I really wanted to. Qiu Si cackles and runs away. It is now Pusysdeva’s turn to be the big bad wolf. After playing around for a while, he sees that the children are all sweaty and tells the servants to take them to change into clean clothes.
I look at the children and sigh: “Oh, how I want to have such cute children.”
“If you were willing to marry me then, they would have been our children.”
I raise my head in surprise and see him wiggling his eyebrows with a teasing smile on his face. His handsomeness still takes a person’s breath away. I fall into a trance, feeling as though I am looking at the Pusysdeva who once asked me, “Don’t you want your husband to be an ordinary person?”
Seeing my silence, he clears his throat and softly says, “Let’s go in. You have sweat on your body, so let’s not catch a cold.”
Xiao Xuan is sitting by the fire pan in the hall, doing needlework while also adding the charcoal. Seeing Pusysdeva, her face brightens with joy. She stands up and takes his coat.
“These days, I have been extremely busy. Lu Guang is greedy. He wants everything, almost as if he wants to bring the whole of Kucha with him,” he curls his lips and complains in dissatisfaction, “The king is agreeing to everything just to get him to leave.”
He steps closer to the fire pan, puts a piece of charcoal into it, and continues, “Lu Guang has decided to leave on the first day of the third month. He said he will bring elder brother along because Fu Jian wants to hear Buddhist teachings.”
He sneers, “As if Fu Jian has any mind to listen to Buddhist teachings these days. If he gets dethroned, the Central Plains will fall into chaos.”
He looks up at me, eyes full of worry: “Ai Qing, it is dangerous for you and elder brother to go to the Central Plains at this time.”
“That is not for us to decide.” I look down at the fire pan. “Do not worry, there will be nothing on the road. We will not be going to Chang’an right away and instead will be staying at Guzang.”
“Will you come back?” After a short silence, he finally broaches this sad topic.
“I do not know. I can only hope so.” I dare not look at his eyes, knowing that there is no hope of meeting again. My heart is in knots.
“It is late. I have to go.” I stand up and say goodbye to Xiao Xuan and quickly leave.
“Wait.”
Pusysdeva grabs my arm. His grey eyes stop on my face. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out.
“I…” His chest is contracting and expanding, eyes drifting away, before he says haltingly, “Such a heavy snow. Let me send you back.”
“No need…” I also look away, but then see that Xiao Xuan is bringing his coat and silently putting it on him.
We walk in the snow, keeping a distance between us. The snow continues to fall like goose feathers and before long, a thin layer of white is coating our shoulders. Pusysdeva does not take the usual main path and instead takes me on a detour through an alleyway behind the palace. There is no one outside, only the sound of our rustling footsteps on the snow creating an echo.
[T/N: Ch. 59 of the Chinese ebook strangely stops here, whereas Ch.59 of the official Vietnamese version continues and would encompass Ch.60 of the Chinese ebook. Ch.60 of the Chinese ebook is thus very short so again, very strange. It is from this point on that the chapter count diverges between the two versions. In my experience, official Vietnamese translation usually follows the Chinese (physical) published format and in this instance, it makes more logical sense in terms of flow so I will be following said format as well.]
The tall figure in front of me suddenly pauses. He turns to look at me and solemnly says:
“Ai Qing, tell me the truth, will I be able to see you again?”
I close my eyes for a moment and when I open them again, I try to sculpt Pusysdeva’s face stroke by stroke to store in my mind while murmuring:
“行行重行行，与君生别离。相去万余里，各在天一涯。
道路阻且长，会面安可知。胡马依北风，越鸟巢南枝。
相去日已远，衣带日已缓。浮云蔽白日，游子不顾返。
思君令人老，岁月忽已晚。弃捐勿复道，努力加餐饭。”
“On and on, going on and on,
away from you to live apart,
ten thousand li* and more between us,
each at opposite ends of the sky.
The road I travel is steep and long;
who knows when we meet again?
The Hu horse leans into the north wind;
the Yueh** bird nests in southern branches:
day by day our parting grows more distant;
day by day robe and belt dangle looser.
Shifting clouds block the white sun;
the traveler does not look to return.
Thinking of you makes one old;
years and months suddenly go by.
Abandoned, I will say no more
but pluck up strength and eat my fill.”
* Earlier poetry and prose had been content to express the idea of great distance by the phrase “one thousand li,” but with Chinese expansion into Korea and southeast China and increased knowledge of the states of Central Asia, this no doubt came to seem inadequate. For the Han people, with their penchant for hyperbole, nothing less than “ten thousand li or more” would do. A li is approximately one third of a mile.
** Hu and Yueh: Hu, a general term for the area north of China from Korea west to Tibet, is paralleled by Yueh, a designation for the area around the mouth of the Yangtze, a region which, in earlier centuries at least, was looked on as the southernmost limit of civilization.
– English translation by Watson, Burton (1971). CHINESE LYRICISM: Shih Poetry from the Second to the Twelfth Century. New York: Columbia University Press.
[T/N: For clarity, the above translation notes are also by Burton Watson. See chapter’s endnotes for more information on this poem.]
“Ai Qing…”
Along with my melancholic voice, his breathing becomes heavier and heavier as tears gather in his big eyes. He stretches out a trembling arm and places it on my shoulder. When I finish reciting the last line, he lets out a crying sound and pulls me into his arms. I lean against his shoulder and feel his broad chest heaving. The snowflakes that fall onto my face quickly melt and become one with the tears, leaving cold water droplets sliding down, as cold as my current state of mind.
“Treat Xiao Xuan and the children well…” I say, choked, “I will always miss you.”
“I will…” He wipes my tears away but does not do the same for his.
The corners of his mouth tremble but he is unable to string together a full sentence. He takes a deep breath and tries to muster up a smile for me:
“Take care.”
“I will!” I also reply back with all my strength, as if this is the only way to express my heart. “Pusysdeva, thank you for everything you have done for me.”
He pulls me back into his arms, this time with an extra burst of strength.
“You know well, as long as you can be happy, I will do everything…”
“I am very happy, really, very happy. It was you who gave such happiness to me, thank you…”
I lean against the window, staring blankly at the exquisite and delicate hairpin in my hand. A string of beads hung from the beak of the phoenix, each bead made of gold. This was given to me by Pusysdeva when we bid goodbye. He still remembers my birthday. He even left a winter kiss on my forehead, just like when I left [this era] the last time. A kiss that would last a lifetime…
“What are you gazing at?”
I quickly wipe away the tears with both hands, turn my head around and smile at Rajiva. His eyes fall onto the hairpin. After a long moment, he takes out a box and gives it to me.
I open it and find a pair of small golden rings; the flower design is simple, but very delicate. He lifts my left hand and slips one onto my ring finger. Then he stretches his hand in front of me and looks at me with a smile.
He once asked me what a modern wedding is like. I had described it to him and told him that the broom and bride would exchange rings, and that they would wear it on the finger next to the pinkie on the left hand. He remembered, how unexpected.
I put the bigger ring onto his finger and look up at him. He smiles softly, then picks up the hairpin and inserts it into my hair.
“Happy birthday!”
He leans close to my ear and softly sings a song. The tune is a bit off, but I can still recognize it as the birthday song that I taught him and Pusysdeva twenty three years ago. His soft singing voice is like music of the heavens, striking my heartstrings one chord at a time.
“[I] have watched you holding back for a long while,” after he finishes singing, he puts his arms around me, “if you want to cry, cry.”
In his warm embrace, I finally cannot help but cry my heart out.
____________________________________________________________________________
T/N:
Regarding the poem Ai Qing recited to Pusysdeva:
“行行重行行，与君生别离。相去万余里，各在天一涯。
道路阻且长，会面安可知。胡马依北风，越鸟巢南枝。
相去日已远，衣带日已缓。浮云蔽白日，游子不顾返。
思君令人老，岁月忽已晚。弃捐勿复道，努力加餐饭。”
This is Poem No. 1 in Nineteen Old Poems (古詩十九首; pinyin: Gǔshī Shíjiǔ Shǒu, also known as Ku-shih shih-chiu shou), an anthology of nineteen poems collected during the Han dynasty. Here is the intro from the Wikipedia entry on Nineteen Old Poems, which pulled information from Burton Watson’s book Chinese Lyricism (as cited above):
“These nineteen poems were very influential on later poetry, in part because of their use of the five-character line (or, wuyen shi).[1] The dating of the original poems is uncertain,[2] though in their present form they can be traced back to about 520 CE, when these poems were included in the famous literary analogy Wen Xuan, a compilation of literature attributed to the Liang Crown Prince Xiao Tong. The Nineteen Old Poems have been supposed to date mainly from the second century CE.[3] The gushi, or old style, poetry developed as an important poetic form of Classical Chinese poetry, in subsequent eras. The authorship of the “Nineteen Old Poems” is anonymous, however there are indications as to the authorship in terms of class and educational status, such as the focus on “the carriages and fine clothing, the mansions and entertainments of the upper classes”, together with the literary references to the Shijing.[4] One of the tendencies of these poems is towards a “tone of brooding melancholy.”[5]”
Here is an alternate English translation of the poem for comparison (I used Watson’s translation because I preferred it, though only slightly more):
“Keep on going, on and on,
parted from you while alive.
Ten thousand miles apart and more,
each of us at a corner of sky.
The road between is blocked and long,
will we ever meet face to face again?
A Turkish horse leans to the north wind,
a Yue bird nests in the southernmost bough,
Every day we grow farther apart,
every day my sash hangs looser.
Drifting clouds block the bright sun,
and the traveller does not look to return.
To think of you makes a person old,
and the time of year is suddenly late.
Let it go now, say no more!
just eat well and take care.”
– Stephen Owen (1996). Anthology of Chinese Literature (Beginnings to 1911). New York: W. W. Norton. p. 253-54.
My favourite translation of the poem is the Vietnamese version. This is not because it is my native language (technically, my command of English is better nowadays), but because Vietnamese translation of any Chinese works in general would tend to use Sino-Vietnamese vocabulary to capture the meanings more closely while also maintaining the character/syllable count. In this case, the five-character line structure of the poem, as you can see here:
“Ra đi lại ra đi,
Cùng chàng sinh biệt ly.
Xa nhau hơn vạn dặm,
Mỗi kẻ một phương chia.
Đường dài bao hiểm trở,
Gặp nhau biết có khi?
Ngựa Hồ run gió bắc,
Chim Việt đậu cành nam.
Đã lâu ngày xa cách,
Áo mặc cũng rộng thêm.
Trên trời mây che khuất,
Người đi chẳng ngoái xem.
Nhớ chàng người già béo,
Chợt sắp hết tháng năm.
Lời xưa thôi nói lại,
Chỉ mong bữa thêm cơm.”
– Translation by Diệp Luyến Hoa and quoted in the Vietnamese version of FBFY.
Last thoughts on this poem but regarding the use of pronouns:
From the English translation, which uses “you” and “I”, one might think the poem is gender-neutral in perspective. It is not. The original Chinese uses almost no pronouns (yet still completely grammatically correct, ah the beauty of literary Chinese), saves for the use of 君 (jūn), meaning Lord. This implies that the speaker is at least speaking about a man. Most likely from this reference, the Vietnamese translation then uses gendered pronouns (because gendered pronouns is the norm for our language) to make the speaker a woman, speaking about a male lover or husband. Is this a correct interpretation? Perhaps, perhaps not. The authorship of these nineteen poems was anonymous so who can say for certain.
We get taken back to the capital and are arranged to live in the palace. Even though it is not as luxurious as the palace of Princess Wusun from before, there is no shortage of anything and no lack of court ladies to serve us. And compared to before, we have more freedom. Lu Guang says he wants to listen to teachings of Buddha and had Rajiva accompany him every day. As a result, Rajiva becomes something like an advisor and appears by Lu Guang’s side every day, [thus] unable to participate in any activities at the Cakuri Temple.
Listening to Rajiva describing his boring daily administrative affairs, I come to realize Lu Guang’s true purpose. He no longer wants to suppress Rajiva and has given up on his attempt to make Rajiva his mouthpiece. However, Rajiva’s deep commitment to his vocation makes Lu Guang wary. Cakuri Temple is only forty li away from the capital. The number of monks plus the residents of Subashi City make up about tens of thousands of people. It can be said that should Rajiva want to rally, he would have a powerful force behind him. Lu Guang is not at ease with letting Rajiva remain outside of his control. He wants Rajiva by his side every day so that he can keep an eye on him.
I tell Rajiva that those in power are always like this. Historically, emperors never like to have a monk who has the power to rally supporters to live in some remote mountain, outside of their control. For what if the monk gathers enough believers to raise a [military] banner and rebel? Xuanzang had the confidence of Emperor Taizong of Tang, yet when he requested to go to Shaolin Temple at Mt. Song1 in the later years of his life to translate scriptures, he was severely rejected. From this, one can glimpse proof2 of an emperor’s extreme egoism.
1 present-day Dengfeng County, Henan Province. Some may recognize this temple as the cradle of Shaolin kung fu; it is also the birthplace of Chan Buddhism (or more commonly known as Zen Buddhism
2 The word used here is actually 一斑 (yībān), which literally translates to ‘one spot [on a leopard]’, meaning one item in a big scheme of things.
Rajiva remains silent for a long while. Being high-born, he is impervious to and ignores secular authority. In fact, he still has not realized that religion can never get rid of nor transcend secular authority. The power of the Catholic Church during the Middle Ages spread all over Europe, making it seem as though it was the true ruler of the whole of Europe. However, the royal families of smaller European countries were unwilling to submit and started religious reformations one after another. The most daring example was Henry VIII of England, who established a new state religion and proclaimed removal of the Roman Catholic Pope from being head of the Church. The dispute between religion and secular authority took up a large part of the history of medieval Europe. In the end, religion had to take a step back and became a spiritual tool and dependent on royal authority.
Ever since Lu Guang captured Kucha, Rajiva has protected everything with his life and dignity, but in this fierce confrontation with those in power, he has always been at a disadvantage. Even if the unexpected turn of events did bring us together, from another perspective, was that not a defeat for religion? But these theories of political economy, I do not want to tell him. Even if he can understand and accept these theories, I should not influence him with my modern thought. But I believe he will realize this truth in the end, because when Yao Xing appears, he would utilize secular power to complete his mission. However, this kind of understanding would take seventeen years—seventeen years of inaction in Guzang. Is that not lamentable for him? Or from an optimistic point of view, these seventeen years where he keeps a low profile are necessary to prepare him for the last and most glorious journey of his life.
Leaning on his shoulders, I silently transfer my strength to him. No matter what happens in the [next] seventeen years, I hope that my company will bring him happiness.
“Miss Ai Qing! Ah, that’s wrong, [I] should be calling [you] Princess.”
I turn my head and see Duan Ye walking towards me, dressed in a big wool coat. At the moment, I have just left the palace and am about to visit the two lovely children at the State Preceptor’s residence.
Duan Ye steps closer and greets me with a smile: “It has been a long while since I have seen Princess, but contrary to what I expected, you look livelier than before.”
I hurriedly return his greetings. He had accompanied Lu Guang to Cakuri Temple that day, but only recognized me when we returned to the capital. Kuchan customs are pretty open, and there are not many prohibitions in the palace. As such, Lu Guang’s generals are allowed to come and go in the palace. At the time, he was following Du Jin when they ran into me. Du Jin had told him that I am the Kuchan princess that married Master Kumarajiva. The astonishment on his face lasted for a while.*
* [T/N: Duan Ye is currently a low-ranked officer under Du Jin, one of Lu Guang’s generals; both of them are real historical figures. As a refresher, Ai Qing first met Duan Ye upon returning to Kucha—see Ch. 40. She had pretended to be Duan Ye’s concubine at the time to make her escape from the pits of corpses, and later had to bribe him with some “fortune-telling” to get him to play along with her ruse.]
“Princess, it is bitterly cold1. How about Duan-mou invites Princess to have a cup of warm wine?”
1 天寒地冻 (tiānhándìdòng): lit. ‘sky cold, ground frozen’, a chengyu but pretty self-explanatory here.
Duan Ye gestures towards a liquor shop on the street, a silent signal in his eyes. I nod. Just in time, for I also want to get some news from him.
Duan Ye asks for a room, and we ask the server to wait outside. Once we are alone in the room, Duan Ye lowers his voice and says:
“Princess, Chang’an is currently under siege by Murong Chong. Heavenly King [Fu Jian] is helpless and has issued four edicts, urging General Lu to return to Chang’an as soon as possible.”
I look up at him in silence. [Regarding] Murong Chong, the Book of Jin wrote that [he] “has the appearance of [a] Longyang1” and is the youngest son of Former Yan Emperor Murong Jun. After Former Yan was destroyed by Fu Jian, at the age of twelve, Murong Chong followed his sister, Princess Qinghe, and moved into Fu Jian’s hougong2. The brother and sister pair [then] received their fill of doting. Wang Meng3 had to repeatedly admonish Fu Jian for him to release Murong Chong from the palace, granting him [Murong Chong] the title Governor of Pingyang Commandery4.
1 龙阳 (Lóngyang) is a euphemism for a gay man. The origin of the word comes from the name of Longyang-jun (or Lord Longyang), who was a lover of King Ai of Wei during the Warring States period (475 to 221 BCE). This story was recorded in Records of the Warring States (and where the period got its name from). Historical records indicate that Murong Chong had a sexual relationship with Fu Jian.
2 后宫 (hòugong): lit. ‘[the] palace behind’ or ‘back palace’, refers to Chinese imperial palace(s) where the emperor’s consorts and concubines reside. [T/N: Hougong is commonly translated as ‘harem’ but this is an Arabic loan word, and the conflation of Muslim and Chinese culture is too Orientalist for my liking so I’m leaving it untranslated.]
3 Wang Meng (325–375 CE), courtesy name Jinglüe (景略), formally Marquess Wu of Qinghe (清河武侯), served as prime minister to the Former Qin emperor Fu Jiān. It was with Wang Meng’s assistance that Fu Jian was able to bring his reign to the heights it did. [T/N: Wang Meng has already passed at this point in our novel’s settings.]
4 Pingyang is roughly modern Linfen, Shanxi Province.
Duan Ye sneered: “This white barbarian1 Murong has the pet name Phoenix. In the past, Chang’an people had a saying: ‘Phoenix, phoenix stopped by Epang2.’ Heavenly King thought it was an auspicious sign and had hundred thousands of wutong3 and bamboo trees planted, waiting for a phoenix to arrive. Ironically, Murong Chong defeated the Heavenly King’s army right at Epang, so did that not mean the prophecy had come true? Heavenly King did not listen to Wang Jinglue’s advice, indulged the Xianbei people, and now ended up in this plight.” (Author’s note: Wang Meng’s courtesy name was Jinglue.)
1 白虏 (bái lǔ): 白 = ‘white’, and 虏 = ‘prisoner of war / (old) northern barbarian / slave’ (per MDBG). This was a derogatory term used by the Di people of Former Qin to refer to Xianbei people. It was recorded in Book of Jin’s biography on Fu Jian. [T/N: Murong Chong was technically a war prisoner, but since the Xianbei was one of the five non-Han tribes collectively called Wu Hu or Five Barbarians by ancient Han Chinese, and MDBG did have ‘northern barbarian’ in the list of definitions, I ended up translating 虏 as ‘barbarian’.]
2 阿房(ē páng): referring to Epang Palace, located in Chang’an and what is now western Xi’an, Shaanxi Province, which was a palace complex of Qin Shi Huang [lit. First Emperor of Qin, not to be confused with Fu Jian’s Former Qin state, which came six centuries later]. Construction of the palace began in 212 BCE but was never completed.
3 梧桐 (wútóng): scientific name firmiana simplex, commonly known as Chinese parasol tree. In ancient Chinese folklore, wutong and bamboo trees were phoenixes’ favourite trees to land on. This anecdote about Fu Jian planting these trees was recorded in Spring and Autumn Annals of the Sixteen Kingdoms.
The Xianbei and Han people are not of the same ethnicity. Their [the Xianbei’s] skin is fair; they are happy, healthy and strong people. The Murong royal family was full of handsome men and beautiful women—the Di people1 called them ‘white barbarians’. Murong Chong was only twenty-five years old at this time and led a disorderly band2, but Fu Jian’s forces were diminishing in strength and he was thus forced out of Chang’an. While he was fleeing, Fu Jian was captured by Yao Chang3, a Qiang person. In May of 385 CE, Fu Jian, the tragic hero of the Sixteen Kingdoms period, was killed by Yao Chang, who threw stones at him when he had already fallen into the well4. As for the person with the appearance that could cause ‘the downfall of a city, the downfall of a country’5, Murong Chong: After conquering Chang’an, he allowed soldiers to burn, kill, loot and do all kinds of evil, turning the thousand li of Guanzhong into the hell of Avici. And because he was afraid of the strength of his uncle Murong Chui’s forces, Murong Chong dared not to return to his homeland. Less than a year after he proclaimed himself emperor, Murong Chong was killed by his own men; he was twenty-seven years of age at the time.
1 The Di people was one of the five non-Han tribes collectively called Wu Hu or Five Barbarians by ancient Han Chinese. Fu Jian is of Di ethnicity.
2 乌合之众 (wū hé zhī zhòng): a chengyu, lit. ‘a crowd gathering [like] crows’, refers to a group without any organization or discipline. The chengyu originated from the Biography of Geng Yan in Book of Later Han.
3 founding emperor of the Later Qin state. He was of Qiang ethnicity, was one of the five non-Han tribes collectively called Wu Hu or Five Barbarians by ancient Han Chinese.
4 落井下石 (luò jǐng xià shí): a chengyu, lit. ‘stoning [somebody who] fell into a well’, meaning to further harm somebody who is already facing difficulties. This chengyu is particularly apt here because it also described Yao Chang’s treacherous nature. Yao Chang was previously a general under Fu Jian but after an incident where Fu Jian killed his messengers in anger (reporting on the death of Fu Jian’s brother, Fu Rui), Yao Chang feared for his life. abandoned his troops, and gathered the Qiang people to rebel.
5 倾国倾城 (qīng guó qīng chéng): a chengyu, lit. ‘pour out country, pour out city’. This chengyu is most commonly attributed to the story of Consort Li, a concubine of Emperor Wu of Han, who was summoned to court after her brother, a court musician, sang about a peerless beauty and got the emperor curious. However, scholars believed the true origin of this chengyu comes from a poem in Shijing or the Book of Songs, which ridiculed an emperor’s favouring of a woman, leading to the ruin of the state. Modern usage of the chengyu is not as sardonic, and instead is used as sincere praise of a beautiful woman. That is not the case here in regards to Murong Chong.
This awful* part of history is happening in the ancient capital, Chang’an, which is a thousand li away from me, making me naturally filled with emotions. But why is Duan Ye telling me all of this?
* 惊心动魄 (jīng xīn dòng pò): a chengyu, lit. ‘startling heart, body moved’, originally used to describe poetry and art so beautiful that it strikes you deep with surprise and feelings, but has come be used to describe something that have you shaken to the core, disturbed. [T/N: I originally translated it as ‘terrifying’ but changed to ‘awful’ after my beta reader pointed out that this chengyu “is kinda like how awful started as “full of awe” but now means something that is so horribly bad”.]
Reading the confusion in my eyes, Duan Ye continues lowering his voice and says: “At the moment, General Lu is having hesitations. If he returns to Chang’an, where Heavenly King is facing converging attack from both the Xianbei and Qiang peoples, the prospects are bleak. General Lu’s return would be a loss for both the army and the general1, so his heart is not willing. But if he does not return, once Heavenly King overcomes this calamity and decides to investigate someday, then General Lu will be facing great trouble2.”
1 损兵折将 (sǔn bīng zhé jiàng): chengyu, lit. ‘loss [in] army, loss [for] general’, originated from a game set-up in a Chinese chess manual called 《千里独行》 or ‘A Thousand Li Alone’.
2 大难临头 (dà nàn lín tóu): chengyu, lit. ‘great trouble approaching head’, meaning one’s head is on the line.
“Then what does Duan-canjun1 wish this lowly self2 do?” I quietly take a sip of the hot tea.
1 参軍 (cānjūn): roughly a lower-ranked administrator
2 妾 (qiè): I, your servant (deprecatory self-reference for women)
“Now that the Master is accompanying General Lu, if the Master could use his power of chenwei* and persuade General Lu to return to Chang’an as soon as possible, even if General Lu does not believe in Buddha, he would listen to the words of chenwei.”
* divination combined with mystical Confucian philosophy, prevalent during the Eastern Han Dynasty (25-220 CE).
A thought rises up in my heart. I ask: “Why does Duan-canjun wish for General Lu to return?”
“Like most of the soldiers in the army, Duan-mou’s family is in Guanzhong. I miss my parents, wives and children, so I have been looking forward to returning.” He lets out a calculating smile and lowers his voice once again, “‘A ring of light will appear in Jiankang, and great achievements await in Hexi.’* Regardless of where Jiankang and Hexi are, they definitely cannot be in the Western Regions. If Duan-mou wants to achieve success, he cannot stay in Kucha forever.”
* quoting Ai Qing’s words of ‘prophecy’ to him, see Ch. 41.
I open my mouth, but there are no words. So this was his original intention! Regardless of Duan Ye’s abilities, he is at least as ambitious as the self-proclaimed heroes of this era. I stay in silence for a while before speaking:
“This lowly self has been out for a long while and ought to take her leave.”
I stand up and walk towards the door, then pause and say:
“The Master alone is unlikely to make General Lu make up his mind. Why doesn’t Duan-canjun try his hands at persuading the General? If actions are not taken quickly, once everything settles and all the lands are divided into pieces, General Lu would only get leftovers.”
Lu Guang’s final decision, of course, will be to leave. It is currently the end of December, and the Silk Road is blocked by heavy snow. Because of that, he will have to wait a couple months before he can depart.
That day, after analyzing the situation in the Central Plains, I tell Rajiva:
“Rajiva, you must persuade him to return to the Central Plains.”
According to historical records, Lu Guang only returned after hearing Rajiva’s advice. But I do not believe that Rajiva has that much of an influence on him. Lu Guang hesitated – on one hand, it was because he still wanted to plunder Kucha’s wealth, and on the other hand, it was because he wanted to observe the situation in the Central Plains. He is returning not because he is afraid of Fu Jian, but because he intends to grab a piece of land when the (Former) Qin Empire disintegrates. After all, due to geographical reasons, the Western Regions are made up of small kingdoms which are oases around a desert, and though each kingdom’s strength is small, to occupy them all would require too high of management cost. Meanwhile, the land in the Central Plains is vast and fertile, much easier to establish a stable regime. Furthermore, all of his soldiers are from Guanzhong. They have been away from home for a while, so they must all want to return. That is why, after much weighing and calculating, returning [to Chang’an] is the best policy. Now, as long as Rajiva and Duan Ye launch a converging attack, Lu Guang should come to a decision in the near future.
“Rajiva understands. If he leaves, it would be a blessing for Kucha.”
He gazes at the snow falling like goose feathers outside the windows, eyes full of melancholy. In a couple months, he will have to leave his hometown, never to return. I clasp my hand with his and lean against his shoulder, and together we listen to the sound of snow falling outside. This will be the last time we get to see this beautiful snowy scenery.
For Han’s [Lunar] New Year, Lu Guang makes a big celebration. The Di people have been Sinicized* for a long time, so their customs are no different from the Han’s. Everywhere in the palace is decorated with lanterns and colourful banners. On New Year’s Eve, we receive invitation to have dinner in the main hall. Lu Guang announces that he would return to Chang’an come spring to the joyous cheers of his soldiers and generals. He then turns to Rajiva and says that by the order of Heavenly King of Great Qin, he is inviting Rajiva to also go to Chang’an to hold lectures. Rajiva calmly accepts. Lu Guang does not let him leave early, only allows him to drink tea instead of wine. Only when midnight comes, the fireworks are lighting up the sky and the music has stopped, does the banquet end. And just like that, the year of 385 CE has arrived. The biggest historical event that will happen this year will be the death of Fu Jian. With his death, the Central Plains will enter a new chapter.
* referring to Sinicization, the process by which non-Chinese societies (be it the ethnic minorities or the neighbouring East/Southeast Asian countries) come under the influence of Chinese—more specifically, Han-Chinese—culture and customs.
In the same year, Murong Chong, the Xianbei gay man who once served Fu Jian, declared himself emperor and his state would become recorded in history as Western Yan. But because his reign was chaotic and perished in a year, Western Yan was not included in the list of Sixteen Kingdoms.
In the same year, Yao Chang, the founding emperor of Later Qin, would strangle Fu Jian with a bowstring and then attack Murong Chong in Chang’an. The next year, Yao Chang would enter Chang’an and turn it into the capital of Later Qin, until Liu Yu carried out his Northern expedition and ended Later Qin.
In the same year, the Xianbei people in Longxi begged Qifu Guoren to establish political power in the region that is now south of Gansu and north of Qinghai. But because of its weak power, the state would have to attach itself to more powerful states, and the rulers would only call themselves Chanyu, Governor, or King of Qin. This state would later be named in historical records as Western Qin.
Also in the same year, a hero would emerge in the grasslands of Inner Mongolia. The Tuoba tribe of Xianbei, under the leadership of the sixteen-year-old Tuoba Gui, was restored and Northern Wei was thus established. In the year 439 CE, Northern Wei destroyed Later Liang, the last of the Sixteen Kingdoms. Northern China, after 135 years of chaos and war, would finally be unified. After that, Northern and Southern Dynasties would last for 150 years, until the Sui Dynasty unified the whole of China.
[T/N: If you are as confused as I am regarding these kingdoms/states and unable to keep straight which is which, or if you’re a history nerd and would like to learn more, here is a handy Wikipedia chart of chronology that is also colour-coded by ethnicities of the founders. If you scroll up in that Wiki page, there are also maps for visualization of the various territories.]
I am making a snowman in the courtyard with Qiu Si and Yong Si [Pusysdeva’s children]. The two children are wrapped up in thick, warm clothes, and their little red cheeks are adorable, really make one unable to part with them*. After making the snowman, we then play rock, paper, and scissors; whoever loses has to put on a blindfold while the rest hide. Laughter rings across the courtyard. I lose on purpose, put on the blindfold, and pretend to be the big bad wolf; the two little Red Riding Hoods have a wildly fun time.
* 爱不释手 (ài bù shì shǒu): chengyu, lit. ‘love unable [to] release hands’, meaning to love something/someone too much to part
“Ha! Got you!”
Huh, this figure is definitely not a child. I pull the blindfold down and see Pusysdeva standing in front of me with a smile.
“Ai Qing, you are still as silly as you were more than twenty years ago!”
A snowball lands on him. It was not me who threw it, even though I really wanted to. Qiu Si cackles and runs away. It is now Pusysdeva’s turn to be the big bad wolf. After playing around for a while, he sees that the children are all sweaty and tells the servants to take them to change into clean clothes.
I look at the children and sigh: “Oh, how I want to have such cute children.”
“If you were willing to marry me then, they would have been our children.”
I raise my head in surprise and see him wiggling his eyebrows with a teasing smile on his face. His handsomeness still takes a person’s breath away. I fall into a trance, feeling as though I am looking at the Pusysdeva who once asked me, “Don’t you want your husband to be an ordinary person?”
Seeing my silence, he clears his throat and softly says, “Let’s go in. You have sweat on your body, so let’s not catch a cold.”
Xiao Xuan is sitting by the fire pan in the hall, doing needlework while also adding the charcoal. Seeing Pusysdeva, her face brightens with joy. She stands up and takes his coat.
“These days, I have been extremely busy. Lu Guang is greedy. He wants everything, almost as if he wants to bring the whole of Kucha with him,” he curls his lips and complains in dissatisfaction, “The king is agreeing to everything just to get him to leave.”
He steps closer to the fire pan, puts a piece of charcoal into it, and continues, “Lu Guang has decided to leave on the first day of the third month. He said he will bring elder brother along because Fu Jian wants to hear Buddhist teachings.”
He sneers, “As if Fu Jian has any mind to listen to Buddhist teachings these days. If he gets dethroned, the Central Plains will fall into chaos.”
He looks up at me, eyes full of worry: “Ai Qing, it is dangerous for you and elder brother to go to the Central Plains at this time.”
“That is not for us to decide.” I look down at the fire pan. “Do not worry, there will be nothing on the road. We will not be going to Chang’an right away and instead will be staying at Guzang.”
“Will you come back?” After a short silence, he finally broaches this sad topic.
“I do not know. I can only hope so.” I dare not look at his eyes, knowing that there is no hope of meeting again. My heart is in knots.
“It is late. I have to go.” I stand up and say goodbye to Xiao Xuan and quickly leave.
“Wait.”
Pusysdeva grabs my arm. His grey eyes stop on my face. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out.
“I…” His chest is contracting and expanding, eyes drifting away, before he says haltingly, “Such a heavy snow. Let me send you back.”
“No need…” I also look away, but then see that Xiao Xuan is bringing his coat and silently putting it on him.
We walk in the snow, keeping a distance between us. The snow continues to fall like goose feathers and before long, a thin layer of white is coating our shoulders. Pusysdeva does not take the usual main path and instead takes me on a detour through an alleyway behind the palace. There is no one outside, only the sound of our rustling footsteps on the snow creating an echo.
[T/N: Ch. 59 of the Chinese ebook strangely stops here, whereas Ch.59 of the official Vietnamese version continues and would encompass Ch.60 of the Chinese ebook. Ch.60 of the Chinese ebook is thus very short so again, very strange. It is from this point on that the chapter count diverges between the two versions. In my experience, official Vietnamese translation usually follows the Chinese (physical) published format and in this instance, it makes more logical sense in terms of flow so I will be following said format as well.]
The tall figure in front of me suddenly pauses. He turns to look at me and solemnly says:
“Ai Qing, tell me the truth, will I be able to see you again?”
I close my eyes for a moment and when I open them again, I try to sculpt Pusysdeva’s face stroke by stroke to store in my mind while murmuring:
“行行重行行，与君生别离。相去万余里，各在天一涯。
道路阻且长，会面安可知。胡马依北风，越鸟巢南枝。
相去日已远，衣带日已缓。浮云蔽白日，游子不顾返。
思君令人老，岁月忽已晚。弃捐勿复道，努力加餐饭。”
“On and on, going on and on,
away from you to live apart,
ten thousand li* and more between us,
each at opposite ends of the sky.
The road I travel is steep and long;
who knows when we meet again?
The Hu horse leans into the north wind;
the Yueh** bird nests in southern branches:
day by day our parting grows more distant;
day by day robe and belt dangle looser.
Shifting clouds block the white sun;
the traveler does not look to return.
Thinking of you makes one old;
years and months suddenly go by.
Abandoned, I will say no more
but pluck up strength and eat my fill.”
* Earlier poetry and prose had been content to express the idea of great distance by the phrase “one thousand li,” but with Chinese expansion into Korea and southeast China and increased knowledge of the states of Central Asia, this no doubt came to seem inadequate. For the Han people, with their penchant for hyperbole, nothing less than “ten thousand li or more” would do. A li is approximately one third of a mile.
** Hu and Yueh: Hu, a general term for the area north of China from Korea west to Tibet, is paralleled by Yueh, a designation for the area around the mouth of the Yangtze, a region which, in earlier centuries at least, was looked on as the southernmost limit of civilization.
– English translation by Watson, Burton (1971). CHINESE LYRICISM: Shih Poetry from the Second to the Twelfth Century. New York: Columbia University Press.
[T/N: For clarity, the above translation notes are also by Burton Watson. See chapter’s endnotes for more information on this poem.]
“Ai Qing…”
Along with my melancholic voice, his breathing becomes heavier and heavier as tears gather in his big eyes. He stretches out a trembling arm and places it on my shoulder. When I finish reciting the last line, he lets out a crying sound and pulls me into his arms. I lean against his shoulder and feel his broad chest heaving. The snowflakes that fall onto my face quickly melt and become one with the tears, leaving cold water droplets sliding down, as cold as my current state of mind.
“Treat Xiao Xuan and the children well…” I say, choked, “I will always miss you.”
“I will…” He wipes my tears away but does not do the same for his.
The corners of his mouth tremble but he is unable to string together a full sentence. He takes a deep breath and tries to muster up a smile for me:
“Take care.”
“I will!” I also reply back with all my strength, as if this is the only way to express my heart. “Pusysdeva, thank you for everything you have done for me.”
He pulls me back into his arms, this time with an extra burst of strength.
“You know well, as long as you can be happy, I will do everything…”
“I am very happy, really, very happy. It was you who gave such happiness to me, thank you…”
I lean against the window, staring blankly at the exquisite and delicate hairpin in my hand. A string of beads hung from the beak of the phoenix, each bead made of gold. This was given to me by Pusysdeva when we bid goodbye. He still remembers my birthday. He even left a winter kiss on my forehead, just like when I left [this era] the last time. A kiss that would last a lifetime…
“What are you gazing at?”
I quickly wipe away the tears with both hands, turn my head around and smile at Rajiva. His eyes fall onto the hairpin. After a long moment, he takes out a box and gives it to me.
I open it and find a pair of small golden rings; the flower design is simple, but very delicate. He lifts my left hand and slips one onto my ring finger. Then he stretches his hand in front of me and looks at me with a smile.
He once asked me what a modern wedding is like. I had described it to him and told him that the broom and bride would exchange rings, and that they would wear it on the finger next to the pinkie on the left hand. He remembered, how unexpected.
I put the bigger ring onto his finger and look up at him. He smiles softly, then picks up the hairpin and inserts it into my hair.
“Happy birthday!”
He leans close to my ear and softly sings a song. The tune is a bit off, but I can still recognize it as the birthday song that I taught him and Pusysdeva twenty three years ago. His soft singing voice is like music of the heavens, striking my heartstrings one chord at a time.
“[I] have watched you holding back for a long while,” after he finishes singing, he puts his arms around me, “if you want to cry, cry.”
In his warm embrace, I finally cannot help but cry my heart out.
____________________________________________________________________________
T/N:
Regarding the poem Ai Qing recited to Pusysdeva:
“行行重行行，与君生别离。相去万余里，各在天一涯。
道路阻且长，会面安可知。胡马依北风，越鸟巢南枝。
相去日已远，衣带日已缓。浮云蔽白日，游子不顾返。
思君令人老，岁月忽已晚。弃捐勿复道，努力加餐饭。”
This is Poem No. 1 in Nineteen Old Poems (古詩十九首; pinyin: Gǔshī Shíjiǔ Shǒu, also known as Ku-shih shih-chiu shou), an anthology of nineteen poems collected during the Han dynasty. Here is the intro from the Wikipedia entry on Nineteen Old Poems, which pulled information from Burton Watson’s book Chinese Lyricism (as cited above):
“These nineteen poems were very influential on later poetry, in part because of their use of the five-character line (or, wuyen shi).[1] The dating of the original poems is uncertain,[2] though in their present form they can be traced back to about 520 CE, when these poems were included in the famous literary analogy Wen Xuan, a compilation of literature attributed to the Liang Crown Prince Xiao Tong. The Nineteen Old Poems have been supposed to date mainly from the second century CE.[3] The gushi, or old style, poetry developed as an important poetic form of Classical Chinese poetry, in subsequent eras. The authorship of the “Nineteen Old Poems” is anonymous, however there are indications as to the authorship in terms of class and educational status, such as the focus on “the carriages and fine clothing, the mansions and entertainments of the upper classes”, together with the literary references to the Shijing.[4] One of the tendencies of these poems is towards a “tone of brooding melancholy.”[5]”
Here is an alternate English translation of the poem for comparison (I used Watson’s translation because I preferred it, though only slightly more):
“Keep on going, on and on,
parted from you while alive.
Ten thousand miles apart and more,
each of us at a corner of sky.
The road between is blocked and long,
will we ever meet face to face again?
A Turkish horse leans to the north wind,
a Yue bird nests in the southernmost bough,
Every day we grow farther apart,
every day my sash hangs looser.
Drifting clouds block the bright sun,
and the traveller does not look to return.
To think of you makes a person old,
and the time of year is suddenly late.
Let it go now, say no more!
just eat well and take care.”
– Stephen Owen (1996). Anthology of Chinese Literature (Beginnings to 1911). New York: W. W. Norton. p. 253-54.
My favourite translation of the poem is the Vietnamese version. This is not because it is my native language (technically, my command of English is better nowadays), but because Vietnamese translation of any Chinese works in general would tend to use Sino-Vietnamese vocabulary to capture the meanings more closely while also maintaining the character/syllable count. In this case, the five-character line structure of the poem, as you can see here:
“Ra đi lại ra đi,
Cùng chàng sinh biệt ly.
Xa nhau hơn vạn dặm,
Mỗi kẻ một phương chia.
Đường dài bao hiểm trở,
Gặp nhau biết có khi?
Ngựa Hồ run gió bắc,
Chim Việt đậu cành nam.
Đã lâu ngày xa cách,
Áo mặc cũng rộng thêm.
Trên trời mây che khuất,
Người đi chẳng ngoái xem.
Nhớ chàng người già béo,
Chợt sắp hết tháng năm.
Lời xưa thôi nói lại,
Chỉ mong bữa thêm cơm.”
– Translation by Diệp Luyến Hoa and quoted in the Vietnamese version of FBFY.
Last thoughts on this poem but regarding the use of pronouns:
From the English translation, which uses “you” and “I”, one might think the poem is gender-neutral in perspective. It is not. The original Chinese uses almost no pronouns (yet still completely grammatically correct, ah the beauty of literary Chinese), saves for the use of 君 (jūn), meaning Lord. This implies that the speaker is at least speaking about a man. Most likely from this reference, the Vietnamese translation then uses gendered pronouns (because gendered pronouns is the norm for our language) to make the speaker a woman, speaking about a male lover or husband. Is this a correct interpretation? Perhaps, perhaps not. The authorship of these nineteen poems was anonymous so who can say for certain.
