In the end, I can’t do anything.
I understand well that I can’t change the situation. Is a powerless lamb only good for being sacrificed quietly? Thinking that way makes me feel helpless.
Cassini stood up and said, “Well.” It seems that the conversation is over. I felt too lazy to even look at him and just stared at the food left on the table.
Although it looked so delicious before, now it feels like everything is covered in stones and sand.
“I had a good time talking tonight, Miss Lorraine. If you need anything, just let me know and I’ll prepare it within my ability. Well then, see you.”
Ignoring the fact that I wasn’t looking at him, Cassini said that and left the dining room with some people.
The sound of footsteps getting farther away.
When it was completely out of hearing range, I finally took a breath.
“Lorraine, are you okay?”
Paolo stood up and came over here, looking worried as he peered into my face. I couldn’t answer immediately, but somehow managed to slowly raise my face and forced a smile.
“Yeah, somehow. But I’m really tired.”
“I see… Shall we go back now?”
Paolo’s voice was so gentle that it made me feel like leaning on him.
For a while, I watched the people leaving here without saying anything. Then, when almost everyone was gone, I finally spoke up.
“Hey, can I ask you something?”
“Huh? Yeah, sure…”
Confusion could be heard in his voice.
But I really wanted to ask.
“Paolo, do you have any regrets?”
I didn’t say what about. But I felt like he knew even without saying it. After hesitating for a while, Paolo said softly,
“I do.”
“Did you ever think about running away?”
At that moment, I finally saw Paolo’s face. He looked a little troubled, but had a faint smile.
“I did, but I couldn’t.”
“Why?”
“Because the people here are my comrades. At least they understand pain and suffering. And because Lorraine is here now…”
Hearing that, I felt relieved. At the same time, I realized that Paolo was kind after all. That’s why I didn’t want him to be involved in this, I thought belatedly.
“We can’t turn back now… If this country doesn’t change, nothing will change anyway.”
“Yeah, that’s right.”
While listening to Paolo’s words, I wondered why there was no other way for us to take.
“I wish there was a more peaceful way.”
“If only I had the power to find it.”
The number of lamps in the room decreased, and the dining hall became dark. The darkness seemed to spread endlessly, and I let out a small sigh and said, “Shall we go back? It’s getting cold.”
“Yeah, sure,” Paolo answered.
I looked at Paolo’s face as he answered. His face, illuminated by the light of the lamp in his hand, was surprisingly well-structured and even felt eerie.
That reminded me of a beautiful face that also appeared in the darkness of night, and I instinctively placed my hand on my chest.
Paolo didn’t notice my gesture and started walking slowly.
“Be careful because it’s dark.”
“Okay.”
I nodded, but secretly furrowed my brow due to the sharp pain. I walked while telling myself that it was useless to think about it.
Eventually, we arrived at the room I was given in silence. I felt relieved when I saw the bed.
“Well then, good night.”
“Yeah, see you tomorrow.”
As usual, I responded to Paolo’s greeting. The door was closed and locked immediately after that.
The sound of the lock seemed strangely heavy.
I shook my head slightly and sat on the bed. It was a closed and dark room. There was light, and someone would come if I called out, but I thought to myself:
——Lonely.
I hadn’t felt that way for a while.
“It was harder than I thought,” I muttered to myself and lay down on the bed.
◆
The next day, I decided to listen to Paolo’s story again.
“Are you okay? You look like you should rest today.”
Paolo said with concern, so I told him clearly.
“I don’t want to be alone in that room.”
Paolo seemed at a loss for words when I looked straight into his eyes and said that. He sighed heavily and scratched his head.
“Okay, but if you’re not feeling well, we’ll go back.”
“I’ll do that.”
While taking a break, we walked around the castle.
There were still people who hadn’t been talked to, but they were all people who didn’t even bother to talk.
It would be difficult to talk to them, I thought. Then I saw someone I had exchanged words with several times walking towards me from the opposite direction.
He was the oldest among their group, short and thin with white hair mixed in his roughly cut hair, and had a very serious-looking face. (I called him Oji-san.) When he came close enough to talk easily, he looked puzzled and said, “Hey, are you okay?”
“Huh?”
“Well, you look pretty pale. Shouldn’t you rest?”
Oji-san looked at me with a worried expression. I was about to deny it, but Paolo was quicker.
“Right? I’ve been telling her that too, but she won’t listen. Well, probably because she talked to Cassini-san yesterday.”
When Paolo said that, Oji-san seemed to understand.
“Oh, I see. That’s probably the reason.”
I wondered how he knew that just from that, but when I looked at Oji-san, he nodded several times and sent me a sympathetic look.
In the end, I can’t do anything.
I understand well that I can’t change the situation. Is a powerless lamb only good for being sacrificed quietly? Thinking that way makes me feel helpless.
Cassini stood up and said, “Well.” It seems that the conversation is over. I felt too lazy to even look at him and just stared at the food left on the table.
Although it looked so delicious before, now it feels like everything is covered in stones and sand.
“I had a good time talking tonight, Miss Lorraine. If you need anything, just let me know and I’ll prepare it within my ability. Well then, see you.”
Ignoring the fact that I wasn’t looking at him, Cassini said that and left the dining room with some people.
The sound of footsteps getting farther away.
When it was completely out of hearing range, I finally took a breath.
“Lorraine, are you okay?”
Paolo stood up and came over here, looking worried as he peered into my face. I couldn’t answer immediately, but somehow managed to slowly raise my face and forced a smile.
“Yeah, somehow. But I’m really tired.”
“I see… Shall we go back now?”
Paolo’s voice was so gentle that it made me feel like leaning on him.
For a while, I watched the people leaving here without saying anything. Then, when almost everyone was gone, I finally spoke up.
“Hey, can I ask you something?”
“Huh? Yeah, sure…”
Confusion could be heard in his voice.
But I really wanted to ask.
“Paolo, do you have any regrets?”
I didn’t say what about. But I felt like he knew even without saying it. After hesitating for a while, Paolo said softly,
“I do.”
“Did you ever think about running away?”
At that moment, I finally saw Paolo’s face. He looked a little troubled, but had a faint smile.
“I did, but I couldn’t.”
“Why?”
“Because the people here are my comrades. At least they understand pain and suffering. And because Lorraine is here now…”
Hearing that, I felt relieved. At the same time, I realized that Paolo was kind after all. That’s why I didn’t want him to be involved in this, I thought belatedly.
“We can’t turn back now… If this country doesn’t change, nothing will change anyway.”
“Yeah, that’s right.”
While listening to Paolo’s words, I wondered why there was no other way for us to take.
“I wish there was a more peaceful way.”
“If only I had the power to find it.”
The number of lamps in the room decreased, and the dining hall became dark. The darkness seemed to spread endlessly, and I let out a small sigh and said, “Shall we go back? It’s getting cold.”
“Yeah, sure,” Paolo answered.
I looked at Paolo’s face as he answered. His face, illuminated by the light of the lamp in his hand, was surprisingly well-structured and even felt eerie.
That reminded me of a beautiful face that also appeared in the darkness of night, and I instinctively placed my hand on my chest.
Paolo didn’t notice my gesture and started walking slowly.
“Be careful because it’s dark.”
“Okay.”
I nodded, but secretly furrowed my brow due to the sharp pain. I walked while telling myself that it was useless to think about it.
Eventually, we arrived at the room I was given in silence. I felt relieved when I saw the bed.
“Well then, good night.”
“Yeah, see you tomorrow.”
As usual, I responded to Paolo’s greeting. The door was closed and locked immediately after that.
The sound of the lock seemed strangely heavy.
I shook my head slightly and sat on the bed. It was a closed and dark room. There was light, and someone would come if I called out, but I thought to myself:
——Lonely.
I hadn’t felt that way for a while.
“It was harder than I thought,” I muttered to myself and lay down on the bed.
◆
The next day, I decided to listen to Paolo’s story again.
“Are you okay? You look like you should rest today.”
Paolo said with concern, so I told him clearly.
“I don’t want to be alone in that room.”
Paolo seemed at a loss for words when I looked straight into his eyes and said that. He sighed heavily and scratched his head.
“Okay, but if you’re not feeling well, we’ll go back.”
“I’ll do that.”
While taking a break, we walked around the castle.
There were still people who hadn’t been talked to, but they were all people who didn’t even bother to talk.
It would be difficult to talk to them, I thought. Then I saw someone I had exchanged words with several times walking towards me from the opposite direction.
He was the oldest among their group, short and thin with white hair mixed in his roughly cut hair, and had a very serious-looking face. (I called him Oji-san.) When he came close enough to talk easily, he looked puzzled and said, “Hey, are you okay?”
“Huh?”
“Well, you look pretty pale. Shouldn’t you rest?”
Oji-san looked at me with a worried expression. I was about to deny it, but Paolo was quicker.
“Right? I’ve been telling her that too, but she won’t listen. Well, probably because she talked to Cassini-san yesterday.”
When Paolo said that, Oji-san seemed to understand.
“Oh, I see. That’s probably the reason.”
I wondered how he knew that just from that, but when I looked at Oji-san, he nodded several times and sent me a sympathetic look.
