Chapter 14
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"Wanyin - !" Lan Xichen called, running after Jiang Cheng.
But, he lost him. A deep hole appeared on his chest, making him hard to breathe as he remembered Jiang Cheng's back earlier when he chased him.
"Wanyin..." he muttered under his breath. "Why don't you let me explain...?" he asked and gritted his teeth as he heard footsteps behind him. "Wangji." He said.
"Brother." Lan Wangji answered and stopped a few feet away from him.
Lan Xichen slowly raised his head and saw his younger brother. A bitter smile appeared on his face.
"Why can't I be like you...?" he asked as his tears finally fell.
Why can't he be as decisive as his younger brother? Because of him hesitating with his feelings, he lost him.
It all started with that one simple question.
"Why do you smile?" he asked him.
He stopped and looked at him, surprised. "...en?" He said. "What does Sect Leader Jiang means?" He asked.
Yes. It's Jiang Cheng.
Jiang Cheng grimaced and looked at him, hesitating. "...no. Forget what I said." He said and sipped his drink.
He looked at him. "Why I smile..." he muttered. "Sect Leader Jiang... haven't smiled before?" he asked.
Jiang Cheng's hand froze. His face became serious. "... I did." He answered.
"Then why did you smile?" he asked.
"... I was happy." Jiang Cheng answered.
He stared at him. 'was'. He thought, then lowered his head. "I am sad." He said after a while.
Jiang Cheng looked at him.
He raised his head, then smiled. "Like I am now." He told him. "Sect Leader Jiang... seems doesn't know how to differentiate smiles." He said, then stood up. "Seems like Sect Leader Jiang isn't in the mood to talk. I'll be taking my leave." He said and quietly walked towards the door.
Yes. I am sad. He thought and stopped. He felt the cold night breeze touched his skin. It's as cold as what he's feeling right now.
He was about to leave when he stopped.
"How will I know?" Jiang Cheng softly said. "I don't know how to do it anymore." He said.
He sharply turned, wide-eyed, and looked at the shadow of the person inside. He... he thought. He walked back, his pace fast.
How can I be stupid? He thought. Of course he can't smile, given what happened to his family. He thought and bit his lip. I was the one who even went and helped him! Stupid! He thought and sighed.
He stopped in front of the door. He raised his hand and was about to knock when the lights went off.
"Ah." He said. "He must be sleeping now." He muttered.
He silently left.
What happened next was out of his expectations. He stared, wide-eyed, at his hands bathed in blood of Jin Guangyao.
"No..." he muttered under his breath as tears ran down his cheeks. "No..." he said. Just what did I do?! He thought.
Jin Guangyao looked at him. To his surprise, he smiled. "... be strong." He told him. "I've... finally paid my debts to you – " he told him and slowly closed his eyes, a peaceful smile on his face.
"NO!" he screamed and caught him when he fell down.
He struck him!
This became his nightmare, and haunted him for many nights, making him sleepless. He struck the one who showed genuine kindness to him. He killed him with his hands...
How ungrateful of him! He thought and silently cried.
He stared at the water, showing him his past with Jin Guangyao. How they met... until how they ended.
He gritted his teeth and balled his fists that's hidden in his sleeves. He didn't know how long was he holding himself back when he felt another presence.
He turned. He saw him and he's about to leave.
"Wait." He called him.
He turned. "What?" he asked him.
What the GusuLan Sect teaches him, he never dares forget – even if his feelings are in turmoil right now. He was about to smile when he spoke, which surprised him.
"Don't bother." Jiang Cheng said.
Yes. It's him.
His eyes went wide and his mind blanked out for a second. He stared at him. He's... he thought and smiled, but forced.
I gratefully accept your kind words. He thought. "What is Sect Leader Jiang doing here?" he asked.
"Same as Sect Leader Lan." Jiang Cheng answered.
He froze. Why are we so similar? He thought. "Sect Leader Jiang now knows why I smile." He said.
Jiang Cheng just knew that Wei Wuxian sacrificed his golden core just to make Jiang Cheng go on living.
Yes... our important person in our life is... he thought bitterly.
"I'm leaving." He told him and walked past him. There's no point in licking the wounds of each other. They'd just make it worse. "Thanks for accompanying me, Sect Leader Jiang." He told him and bowed.
".. I once smiled during those times." Jiang Cheng said.
He stopped.
"It was..." Jiang Cheng said, then paused. "... when someone pulled me from the darkest abyss and brought me to light." He said, then raised his head. "When he smiled at me, I... subconsciously smiled back." He said.
"Why did you smile back?" he quietly asked.
"Maybe... I – " Jiang Cheng said, staring at the blue sky above the green forest. " – that time... I was happy." He answered.
"Why would you be happy?" he asked and gritted his teeth as he balled his fists.
You are deep down the abyss... life has been cruel and unfair to you, yet you...! He thought, mad, as he remembered again what happened to him.
Yes. He wanted to scream these words yet he doesn't know to whom should he tell these.
So unfair... why? He thought and lowered his head. "You were at the abyss all those times before I – " he said.
Obviously, he was the one who took him away from that abyss. He saw that the world his been cruel towards him, too, and so he helped him.
The same as when Jin Guangyao helped him.
Jiang Cheng cut him off. "Well, maybe I was just too out of my mind that time I don't know what to do or feel anymore, and so I just copied what that person did – " he said and shrugged.
He looked at him. He stared at his face, searching for the truth in his words. Sect Leader Jiang... you... he thought, a complicated look in his eyes.
But, one thing could be definitely seen: admiration.
How can he be strong? He thought. Despite all that he's been through... he thought and lowered his head. "... can you – " he said, then took a deep breath. He looked at him in the eye. " – smile for me?" he asked.
Jiang Cheng's eyes went wide.
" – right now?" he added. I just want to confirm if you could do it... too. He thought, remembered how Jin Guangyao smiled despite what happened to him in the past... too.
He was about to close his eyes, resigning to the swirling emotions inside him when he raised his head and saw it.
Yes. 'it'. He thought, his mind blanked out for a moment. What the hell... is that – he thought, staring at Jiang Cheng's face. He really smiled, yet it's not a smile. He thought.
"What?" Jiang Cheng asked after he fixed his face. It's back to 'normal' (blank) now.
"That's..." he slowly said, pointed at Jiang Cheng's face.
It's not a smile. He thought, decisive. How can he smile when everything that's happened to him... he thought, staring at Jiang Cheng's face. That's why it's not a smile.
But -
Jiang Cheng nodded. "Yes." He said. "My smile." He told him.
His face froze and he blankly stared at him. That's a smile? He thought, remembered his smile earlier.
"Pft – " he said, finally can't hold it in and he covered his mouth, his shoulder slightly shaking. "Ahahahahahahaha!" he laughed, his shoulder now violently shaking as he held his stomach. "Ahahahahaha! Ahahahahahaha - !" he laughed, tears on the corners of his eyes.
Jiang Cheng's forehead knotted. "W-what?" he asked, confused. "Why're you laughing?" he asked him, puzzled.
He didn't answer and just continued to laugh, tears on the corner of his eyes. He really called it smile? He thought. But... he smiled as he looked at Jiang Cheng's confused face.
He's so strong for him to smile even after all that happened to him...
"No, no..." he said, still laughing. He almost choked for suppressing a laugh. "Sect Leader Jiang, you – " he said, then covered his mouth to laugh again.
That 'smile' of him... he thought and laughed.
This time, Jiang Cheng frowned. "What?" he asked, starting to get pissed. "What are you laughing about?" he asked.
He stopped and stared at him. He smiled. "Sect Leader Jiang." he called, his voice soft.
"What?" Jiang Cheng asked.
He smiled wider, then slightly lowered his head. "Thank you." He told him, then turned away.
"Huh?" Jiang Cheng said, puzzled.
But, he already left. Jin Guangyao... he thought, a sad smile formed on his lips as he remembered his last words.
"Be strong."
He finally understood Jiang Cheng.
He didn't know how long until he finally realized that he's been secretly watching him. Until, finally, he realized he's falling for him.
I can't... he thought, remembered Jin Guangyao's peaceful face after he struck him. But – he thought as he turned and saw Jiang Cheng walking towards the hall where the meeting will be held.
What should I do? He thought, conflicted, and balled his fists as he saw Jiang Cheng walking towards his direction.
He lowered his head.
"Be strong."
His eyes went wide and he gasped. He lifted his head and, sure enough, he saw Jiang Cheng in front of him. He felt his heart leapt and his face lit up and before he knew it, his lips moved.
"Sect Leader Jiang." he said and smiled brightly at him as he bowed.
"Sect Leader Lan." Jiang Cheng said and bowed.
"Sect Leader Jiang." he called him when he passed by him.
"Hm - ?" Jiang Cheng said and turned.
"May I speak with you after this?" he asked.
"... eh?" Jiang Cheng said and looked at him.
His face went serious. "I have something important to tell you." He told him, then bowed. He walked towards his seat.
"Be strong." Was what Jin Guangyao had told him. Ah Yao... he thought as he lowered his head, didn't notice that the others are glaring at Jiang Cheng – whose mind is occupied like him, thinking that the other is being arrogant again.
But, things won't work out the way you want it to. Just as he's about to tell Jiang Cheng that he likes him, another unexpected thing has happened.
"Sect Leader Jiang." Lan Xichen called when he saw Jiang Cheng went out of the hall where the meeting was held.
Jiang Cheng stretched his limbs before turning. "Hm?" he said and saw him walking towards him. "Sect Leader Lan." He said. "What was it that you wanted to talk about?" he asked.
He was about to speak when, in the corner of his eyes, he saw a golden light. His eyes went wide when he saw who it is.
Ah Yao! He thought, shocked. He was about to take a step when, suddenly, blood covered Jin Guangyao.
He looked at him, horrified, as he saw a hole appearing on Jin Guangyao's stomach. It's where he struck him!
No... he thought and closed his eyes tight. But, the image will never leave his mind.
It was the voices of the other cultivators that woke him up. He opened his eyes and saw Jiang Cheng staring at him, waiting.
Wanyin... he thought, then pain crossed his eyes when he remembered what happened just now. I know... it's just an illusion. But – he thought and looked at Jiang Cheng. I know... Wanyin won't be like Jin Guangyao (a traitor), since I saw how honest he is in his actions. That's why I like him... I lo –
He froze, then slightly lowered his head to hide the disappointment in his eyes. If I haven't been selfish from the start, maybe Ah Yao wouldn't end up like that... he thought and raised his head. He looked at Jiang Cheng.
"Oh. I'm really sorry." He said. "I forgot it in the middle of the meeting earlier." He told him.
Jiang Cheng blinked. "What?" he said.
He apologetically smiled. "I deeply apologize, Sect Leader Jiang." He said and bowed. "I didn't intend to take your time." He said and looked at him in the eye.
Wanyin... he thought and lowered his eyelids to hide the pain in his eyes.
"... I didn't... want to see you..." he muttered, his voice so low. I'm sorry, Wanyin... he thought and closed his eyes, preventing his tears from falling.
"Huh?" Jiang Cheng said, clearly didn't hear what he said.
He raised his head and forced a smile. "It's nothing." He said. "I apologize again, Sect Leader Jiang." He told him and bowed.
He then silently left.
"... what the hell was that?" Jiang Cheng muttered, more puzzled than before.
Yes... he thought. Just what the hell is happening to me? he thought as he lowered his head. I'm sorry... Wanyin... he thought and a tear finally escaped his eye.
"Wanyin..." he muttered and fell on his knees as he cried.
"Brother..." Lan Wangji called, his crystal clear eyes looking at him full of pity. "... you can't make up your mind again." He told him.
He smiled bitterly. Earlier, when he saw him walked on the bridge, he felt his whole world lit up. But, just as he's about to tell him what he feels, again... it happened again.
He saw Jin Guangyao, bathed in blood again.
"Damn it." He cursed as he punched the ground, didn't mind his knuckles were hurt.
It was just like last time again, when he tried to confess.
(A/N: whew! *wipes sweat off the forehead. This is the longest chapter I wrote of XiCheng fanfic XDXDXD I could cut it in some parts, but... I don't want to! I hate cliffhangers! >.< yes. I feel you readers XDXDXD anyway, this long chap is all worth it! ^_^ I hope you enjoyed this ^_^)
Note: damn it. JGY, why you show up? T.T leave my XiCheng be T.T
Please report us if you find any errors so we can fix it asap!
"Wanyin - !" Lan Xichen called, running after Jiang Cheng.
But, he lost him. A deep hole appeared on his chest, making him hard to breathe as he remembered Jiang Cheng's back earlier when he chased him.
"Wanyin..." he muttered under his breath. "Why don't you let me explain...?" he asked and gritted his teeth as he heard footsteps behind him. "Wangji." He said.
"Brother." Lan Wangji answered and stopped a few feet away from him.
Lan Xichen slowly raised his head and saw his younger brother. A bitter smile appeared on his face.
"Why can't I be like you...?" he asked as his tears finally fell.
Why can't he be as decisive as his younger brother? Because of him hesitating with his feelings, he lost him.
It all started with that one simple question.
"Why do you smile?" he asked him.
He stopped and looked at him, surprised. "...en?" He said. "What does Sect Leader Jiang means?" He asked.
Yes. It's Jiang Cheng.
Jiang Cheng grimaced and looked at him, hesitating. "...no. Forget what I said." He said and sipped his drink.
He looked at him. "Why I smile..." he muttered. "Sect Leader Jiang... haven't smiled before?" he asked.
Jiang Cheng's hand froze. His face became serious. "... I did." He answered.
"Then why did you smile?" he asked.
"... I was happy." Jiang Cheng answered.
He stared at him. 'was'. He thought, then lowered his head. "I am sad." He said after a while.
Jiang Cheng looked at him.
He raised his head, then smiled. "Like I am now." He told him. "Sect Leader Jiang... seems doesn't know how to differentiate smiles." He said, then stood up. "Seems like Sect Leader Jiang isn't in the mood to talk. I'll be taking my leave." He said and quietly walked towards the door.
Yes. I am sad. He thought and stopped. He felt the cold night breeze touched his skin. It's as cold as what he's feeling right now.
He was about to leave when he stopped.
"How will I know?" Jiang Cheng softly said. "I don't know how to do it anymore." He said.
He sharply turned, wide-eyed, and looked at the shadow of the person inside. He... he thought. He walked back, his pace fast.
How can I be stupid? He thought. Of course he can't smile, given what happened to his family. He thought and bit his lip. I was the one who even went and helped him! Stupid! He thought and sighed.
He stopped in front of the door. He raised his hand and was about to knock when the lights went off.
"Ah." He said. "He must be sleeping now." He muttered.
He silently left.
What happened next was out of his expectations. He stared, wide-eyed, at his hands bathed in blood of Jin Guangyao.
"No..." he muttered under his breath as tears ran down his cheeks. "No..." he said. Just what did I do?! He thought.
Jin Guangyao looked at him. To his surprise, he smiled. "... be strong." He told him. "I've... finally paid my debts to you – " he told him and slowly closed his eyes, a peaceful smile on his face.
"NO!" he screamed and caught him when he fell down.
He struck him!
This became his nightmare, and haunted him for many nights, making him sleepless. He struck the one who showed genuine kindness to him. He killed him with his hands...
How ungrateful of him! He thought and silently cried.
He stared at the water, showing him his past with Jin Guangyao. How they met... until how they ended.
He gritted his teeth and balled his fists that's hidden in his sleeves. He didn't know how long was he holding himself back when he felt another presence.
He turned. He saw him and he's about to leave.
"Wait." He called him.
He turned. "What?" he asked him.
What the GusuLan Sect teaches him, he never dares forget – even if his feelings are in turmoil right now. He was about to smile when he spoke, which surprised him.
"Don't bother." Jiang Cheng said.
Yes. It's him.
His eyes went wide and his mind blanked out for a second. He stared at him. He's... he thought and smiled, but forced.
I gratefully accept your kind words. He thought. "What is Sect Leader Jiang doing here?" he asked.
"Same as Sect Leader Lan." Jiang Cheng answered.
He froze. Why are we so similar? He thought. "Sect Leader Jiang now knows why I smile." He said.
Jiang Cheng just knew that Wei Wuxian sacrificed his golden core just to make Jiang Cheng go on living.
Yes... our important person in our life is... he thought bitterly.
"I'm leaving." He told him and walked past him. There's no point in licking the wounds of each other. They'd just make it worse. "Thanks for accompanying me, Sect Leader Jiang." He told him and bowed.
".. I once smiled during those times." Jiang Cheng said.
He stopped.
"It was..." Jiang Cheng said, then paused. "... when someone pulled me from the darkest abyss and brought me to light." He said, then raised his head. "When he smiled at me, I... subconsciously smiled back." He said.
"Why did you smile back?" he quietly asked.
"Maybe... I – " Jiang Cheng said, staring at the blue sky above the green forest. " – that time... I was happy." He answered.
"Why would you be happy?" he asked and gritted his teeth as he balled his fists.
You are deep down the abyss... life has been cruel and unfair to you, yet you...! He thought, mad, as he remembered again what happened to him.
Yes. He wanted to scream these words yet he doesn't know to whom should he tell these.
So unfair... why? He thought and lowered his head. "You were at the abyss all those times before I – " he said.
Obviously, he was the one who took him away from that abyss. He saw that the world his been cruel towards him, too, and so he helped him.
The same as when Jin Guangyao helped him.
Jiang Cheng cut him off. "Well, maybe I was just too out of my mind that time I don't know what to do or feel anymore, and so I just copied what that person did – " he said and shrugged.
He looked at him. He stared at his face, searching for the truth in his words. Sect Leader Jiang... you... he thought, a complicated look in his eyes.
But, one thing could be definitely seen: admiration.
How can he be strong? He thought. Despite all that he's been through... he thought and lowered his head. "... can you – " he said, then took a deep breath. He looked at him in the eye. " – smile for me?" he asked.
Jiang Cheng's eyes went wide.
" – right now?" he added. I just want to confirm if you could do it... too. He thought, remembered how Jin Guangyao smiled despite what happened to him in the past... too.
He was about to close his eyes, resigning to the swirling emotions inside him when he raised his head and saw it.
Yes. 'it'. He thought, his mind blanked out for a moment. What the hell... is that – he thought, staring at Jiang Cheng's face. He really smiled, yet it's not a smile. He thought.
"What?" Jiang Cheng asked after he fixed his face. It's back to 'normal' (blank) now.
"That's..." he slowly said, pointed at Jiang Cheng's face.
It's not a smile. He thought, decisive. How can he smile when everything that's happened to him... he thought, staring at Jiang Cheng's face. That's why it's not a smile.
But -
Jiang Cheng nodded. "Yes." He said. "My smile." He told him.
His face froze and he blankly stared at him. That's a smile? He thought, remembered his smile earlier.
"Pft – " he said, finally can't hold it in and he covered his mouth, his shoulder slightly shaking. "Ahahahahahahaha!" he laughed, his shoulder now violently shaking as he held his stomach. "Ahahahahaha! Ahahahahahaha - !" he laughed, tears on the corners of his eyes.
Jiang Cheng's forehead knotted. "W-what?" he asked, confused. "Why're you laughing?" he asked him, puzzled.
He didn't answer and just continued to laugh, tears on the corner of his eyes. He really called it smile? He thought. But... he smiled as he looked at Jiang Cheng's confused face.
He's so strong for him to smile even after all that happened to him...
"No, no..." he said, still laughing. He almost choked for suppressing a laugh. "Sect Leader Jiang, you – " he said, then covered his mouth to laugh again.
That 'smile' of him... he thought and laughed.
This time, Jiang Cheng frowned. "What?" he asked, starting to get pissed. "What are you laughing about?" he asked.
He stopped and stared at him. He smiled. "Sect Leader Jiang." he called, his voice soft.
"What?" Jiang Cheng asked.
He smiled wider, then slightly lowered his head. "Thank you." He told him, then turned away.
"Huh?" Jiang Cheng said, puzzled.
But, he already left. Jin Guangyao... he thought, a sad smile formed on his lips as he remembered his last words.
"Be strong."
He finally understood Jiang Cheng.
He didn't know how long until he finally realized that he's been secretly watching him. Until, finally, he realized he's falling for him.
I can't... he thought, remembered Jin Guangyao's peaceful face after he struck him. But – he thought as he turned and saw Jiang Cheng walking towards the hall where the meeting will be held.
What should I do? He thought, conflicted, and balled his fists as he saw Jiang Cheng walking towards his direction.
He lowered his head.
"Be strong."
His eyes went wide and he gasped. He lifted his head and, sure enough, he saw Jiang Cheng in front of him. He felt his heart leapt and his face lit up and before he knew it, his lips moved.
"Sect Leader Jiang." he said and smiled brightly at him as he bowed.
"Sect Leader Lan." Jiang Cheng said and bowed.
"Sect Leader Jiang." he called him when he passed by him.
"Hm - ?" Jiang Cheng said and turned.
"May I speak with you after this?" he asked.
"... eh?" Jiang Cheng said and looked at him.
His face went serious. "I have something important to tell you." He told him, then bowed. He walked towards his seat.
"Be strong." Was what Jin Guangyao had told him. Ah Yao... he thought as he lowered his head, didn't notice that the others are glaring at Jiang Cheng – whose mind is occupied like him, thinking that the other is being arrogant again.
But, things won't work out the way you want it to. Just as he's about to tell Jiang Cheng that he likes him, another unexpected thing has happened.
"Sect Leader Jiang." Lan Xichen called when he saw Jiang Cheng went out of the hall where the meeting was held.
Jiang Cheng stretched his limbs before turning. "Hm?" he said and saw him walking towards him. "Sect Leader Lan." He said. "What was it that you wanted to talk about?" he asked.
He was about to speak when, in the corner of his eyes, he saw a golden light. His eyes went wide when he saw who it is.
Ah Yao! He thought, shocked. He was about to take a step when, suddenly, blood covered Jin Guangyao.
He looked at him, horrified, as he saw a hole appearing on Jin Guangyao's stomach. It's where he struck him!
No... he thought and closed his eyes tight. But, the image will never leave his mind.
It was the voices of the other cultivators that woke him up. He opened his eyes and saw Jiang Cheng staring at him, waiting.
Wanyin... he thought, then pain crossed his eyes when he remembered what happened just now. I know... it's just an illusion. But – he thought and looked at Jiang Cheng. I know... Wanyin won't be like Jin Guangyao (a traitor), since I saw how honest he is in his actions. That's why I like him... I lo –
He froze, then slightly lowered his head to hide the disappointment in his eyes. If I haven't been selfish from the start, maybe Ah Yao wouldn't end up like that... he thought and raised his head. He looked at Jiang Cheng.
"Oh. I'm really sorry." He said. "I forgot it in the middle of the meeting earlier." He told him.
Jiang Cheng blinked. "What?" he said.
He apologetically smiled. "I deeply apologize, Sect Leader Jiang." He said and bowed. "I didn't intend to take your time." He said and looked at him in the eye.
Wanyin... he thought and lowered his eyelids to hide the pain in his eyes.
"... I didn't... want to see you..." he muttered, his voice so low. I'm sorry, Wanyin... he thought and closed his eyes, preventing his tears from falling.
"Huh?" Jiang Cheng said, clearly didn't hear what he said.
He raised his head and forced a smile. "It's nothing." He said. "I apologize again, Sect Leader Jiang." He told him and bowed.
He then silently left.
"... what the hell was that?" Jiang Cheng muttered, more puzzled than before.
Yes... he thought. Just what the hell is happening to me? he thought as he lowered his head. I'm sorry... Wanyin... he thought and a tear finally escaped his eye.
"Wanyin..." he muttered and fell on his knees as he cried.
"Brother..." Lan Wangji called, his crystal clear eyes looking at him full of pity. "... you can't make up your mind again." He told him.
He smiled bitterly. Earlier, when he saw him walked on the bridge, he felt his whole world lit up. But, just as he's about to tell him what he feels, again... it happened again.
He saw Jin Guangyao, bathed in blood again.
"Damn it." He cursed as he punched the ground, didn't mind his knuckles were hurt.
It was just like last time again, when he tried to confess.
(A/N: whew! *wipes sweat off the forehead. This is the longest chapter I wrote of XiCheng fanfic XDXDXD I could cut it in some parts, but... I don't want to! I hate cliffhangers! >.< yes. I feel you readers XDXDXD anyway, this long chap is all worth it! ^_^ I hope you enjoyed this ^_^)
Note: damn it. JGY, why you show up? T.T leave my XiCheng be T.T
"Wanyin - !" Lan Xichen called, running after Jiang Cheng. But, he lost him. A deep hole appeared on his chest, making him hard to breathe as he remembered Jiang Cheng's back earlier when he chased him. "Wanyin..." he muttered under his breath. "Why don't you let me explain...?" he asked and gritted his teeth as he heard footsteps behind him. "Wangji." He said. "Brother." Lan Wangji answered and stopped a few feet away from him. Lan Xichen slowly raised his head and saw his younger brother. A bitter smile appeared on his face. "Why can't I be like you...?" he asked as his tears finally fell. Why can't he be as decisive as his younger brother? Because of him hesitating with his feelings, he lost him. It all started with that one simple question. "Why do you smile?" he asked him. He stopped and looked at him, surprised. "...en?" He said. "What does Sect Leader Jiang means?" He asked. Yes. It's Jiang Cheng. Jiang Cheng grimaced and looked at him, hesitating. "...no. Forget what I said." He said and sipped his drink. He looked at him. "Why I smile..." he muttered. "Sect Leader Jiang... haven't smiled before?" he asked. Jiang Cheng's hand froze. His face became serious. "... I did." He answered. "Then why did you smile?" he asked. "... I was happy." Jiang Cheng answered. He stared at him. 'was'. He thought, then lowered his head. "I am sad." He said after a while. Jiang Cheng looked at him. He raised his head, then smiled. "Like I am now." He told him. "Sect Leader Jiang... seems doesn't know how to differentiate smiles." He said, then stood up. "Seems like Sect Leader Jiang isn't in the mood to talk. I'll be taking my leave." He said and quietly walked towards the door. Yes. I am sad. He thought and stopped. He felt the cold night breeze touched his skin. It's as cold as what he's feeling right now. He was about to leave when he stopped. "How will I know?" Jiang Cheng softly said. "I don't know how to do it anymore." He said. He sharply turned, wide-eyed, and looked at the shadow of the person inside. He... he thought. He walked back, his pace fast. How can I be stupid? He thought. Of course he can't smile, given what happened to his family. He thought and bit his lip. I was the one who even went and helped him! Stupid! He thought and sighed. He stopped in front of the door. He raised his hand and was about to knock when the lights went off. "Ah." He said. "He must be sleeping now." He muttered. He silently left. What happened next was out of his expectations. He stared, wide-eyed, at his hands bathed in blood of Jin Guangyao. "No..." he muttered under his breath as tears ran down his cheeks. "No..." he said. Just what did I do?! He thought. Jin Guangyao looked at him. To his surprise, he smiled. "... be strong." He told him. "I've... finally paid my debts to you " he told him and slowly closed his eyes, a peaceful smile on his face. "NO!" he screamed and caught him when he fell down. He struck him! This became his nightmare, and haunted him for many nights, making him sleepless. He struck the one who showed genuine kindness to him. He killed him with his hands... How ungrateful of him! He thought and silently cried. He stared at the water, showing him his past with Jin Guangyao. How they met... until how they ended. He gritted his teeth and balled his fists that's hidden in his sleeves. He didn't know how long was he holding himself back when he felt another presence. He turned. He saw him and he's about to leave. "Wait." He called him. He turned. "What?" he asked him. What the GusuLan Sect teaches him, he never dares forget even if his feelings are in turmoil right now. He was about to smile when he spoke, which surprised him. "Don't bother." Jiang Cheng said. Yes. It's him. His eyes went wide and his mind blanked out for a second. He stared at him. He's... he thought and smiled, but forced. I gratefully accept your kind words. He thought. "What is Sect Leader Jiang doing here?" he asked. "Same as Sect Leader Lan." Jiang Cheng answered. He froze. Why are we so similar? He thought. "Sect Leader Jiang now knows why I smile." He said. Jiang Cheng just knew that Wei Wuxian sacrificed his golden core just to make Jiang Cheng go on living. Yes... our important person in our life is... he thought bitterly. "I'm leaving." He told him and walked past him. There's no point in licking the wounds of each other. They'd just make it worse. "Thanks for accompanying me, Sect Leader Jiang." He told him and bowed. ".. I once smiled during those times." Jiang Cheng said. He stopped. "It was..." Jiang Cheng said, then paused. "... when someone pulled me from the darkest abyss and brought me to light." He said, then raised his head. "When he smiled at me, I... subconsciously smiled back." He said. "Why did you smile back?" he quietly asked. "Maybe... I " Jiang Cheng said, staring at the blue sky above the green forest. " that time... I was happy." He answered. "Why would you be happy?" he asked and gritted his teeth as he balled his fists. You are deep down the abyss... life has been cruel and unfair to you, yet you...! He thought, mad, as he remembered again what happened to him. Yes. He wanted to scream these words yet he doesn't know to whom should he tell these. So unfair... why? He thought and lowered his head. "You were at the abyss all those times before I " he said. Obviously, he was the one who took him away from that abyss. He saw that the world his been cruel towards him, too, and so he helped him. The same as when Jin Guangyao helped him. Jiang Cheng cut him off. "Well, maybe I was just too out of my mind that time I don't know what to do or feel anymore, and so I just copied what that person did " he said and shrugged. He looked at him. He stared at his face, searching for the truth in his words. Sect Leader Jiang... you... he thought, a complicated look in his eyes. But, one thing could be definitely seen: admiration. How can he be strong? He thought. Despite all that he's been through... he thought and lowered his head. "... can you " he said, then took a deep breath. He looked at him in the eye. " smile for me?" he asked. Jiang Cheng's eyes went wide. " right now?" he added. I just want to confirm if you could do it... too. He thought, remembered how Jin Guangyao smiled despite what happened to him in the past... too. He was about to close his eyes, resigning to the swirling emotions inside him when he raised his head and saw it. Yes. 'it'. He thought, his mind blanked out for a moment. What the hell... is that he thought, staring at Jiang Cheng's face. He really smiled, yet it's not a smile. He thought. "What?" Jiang Cheng asked after he fixed his face. It's back to 'normal' blank now. "That's..." he slowly said, pointed at Jiang Cheng's face. It's not a smile. He thought, decisive. How can he smile when everything that's happened to him... he thought, staring at Jiang Cheng's face. That's why it's not a smile. But - Jiang Cheng nodded. "Yes." He said. "My smile." He told him. His face froze and he blankly stared at him. That's a smile? He thought, remembered his smile earlier. "Pft " he said, finally can't hold it in and he covered his mouth, his shoulder slightly shaking. "Ahahahahahahaha!" he laughed, his shoulder now violently shaking as he held his stomach. "Ahahahahaha! Ahahahahahaha - !" he laughed, tears on the corners of his eyes. Jiang Cheng's forehead knotted. "W-what?" he asked, confused. "Why're you laughing?" he asked him, puzzled. He didn't answer and just continued to laugh, tears on the corner of his eyes. He really called it smile? He thought. But... he smiled as he looked at Jiang Cheng's confused face. He's so strong for him to smile even after all that happened to him... "No, no..." he said, still laughing. He almost choked for suppressing a laugh. "Sect Leader Jiang, you " he said, then covered his mouth to laugh again. That 'smile' of him... he thought and laughed. This time, Jiang Cheng frowned. "What?" he asked, starting to get pissed. "What are you laughing about?" he asked. He stopped and stared at him. He smiled. "Sect Leader Jiang." he called, his voice soft. "What?" Jiang Cheng asked. He smiled wider, then slightly lowered his head. "Thank you." He told him, then turned away. "Huh?" Jiang Cheng said, puzzled. But, he already left. Jin Guangyao... he thought, a sad smile formed on his lips as he remembered his last words. "Be strong." He finally understood Jiang Cheng. He didn't know how long until he finally realized that he's been secretly watching him. Until, finally, he realized he's falling for him. I can't... he thought, remembered Jin Guangyao's peaceful face after he struck him. But he thought as he turned and saw Jiang Cheng walking towards the hall where the meeting will be held. What should I do? He thought, conflicted, and balled his fists as he saw Jiang Cheng walking towards his direction. He lowered his head. "Be strong." His eyes went wide and he gasped. He lifted his head and, sure enough, he saw Jiang Cheng in front of him. He felt his heart leapt and his face lit up and before he knew it, his lips moved. "Sect Leader Jiang." he said and smiled brightly at him as he bowed. "Sect Leader Lan." Jiang Cheng said and bowed. "Sect Leader Jiang." he called him when he passed by him. "Hm - ?" Jiang Cheng said and turned. "May I speak with you after this?" he asked. "... eh?" Jiang Cheng said and looked at him. His face went serious. "I have something important to tell you." He told him, then bowed. He walked towards his seat. "Be strong." Was what Jin Guangyao had told him. Ah Yao... he thought as he lowered his head, didn't notice that the others are glaring at Jiang Cheng whose mind is occupied like him, thinking that the other is being arrogant again. But, things won't work out the way you want it to. Just as he's about to tell Jiang Cheng that he likes him, another unexpected thing has happened. "Sect Leader Jiang." Lan Xichen called when he saw Jiang Cheng went out of the hall where the meeting was held. Jiang Cheng stretched his limbs before turning. "Hm?" he said and saw him walking towards him. "Sect Leader Lan." He said. "What was it that you wanted to talk about?" he asked. He was about to speak when, in the corner of his eyes, he saw a golden light. His eyes went wide when he saw who it is. Ah Yao! He thought, shocked. He was about to take a step when, suddenly, blood covered Jin Guangyao. He looked at him, horrified, as he saw a hole appearing on Jin Guangyao's stomach. It's where he struck him! No... he thought and closed his eyes tight. But, the image will never leave his mind. It was the voices of the other cultivators that woke him up. He opened his eyes and saw Jiang Cheng staring at him, waiting. Wanyin... he thought, then pain crossed his eyes when he remembered what happened just now. I know... it's just an illusion. But he thought and looked at Jiang Cheng. I know... Wanyin won't be like Jin Guangyao a traitor, since I saw how honest he is in his actions. That's why I like him... I lo He froze, then slightly lowered his head to hide the disappointment in his eyes. If I haven't been selfish from the start, maybe Ah Yao wouldn't end up like that... he thought and raised his head. He looked at Jiang Cheng. "Oh. I'm really sorry." He said. "I forgot it in the middle of the meeting earlier." He told him. Jiang Cheng blinked. "What?" he said. He apologetically smiled. "I deeply apologize, Sect Leader Jiang." He said and bowed. "I didn't intend to take your time." He said and looked at him in the eye. Wanyin... he thought and lowered his eyelids to hide the pain in his eyes. "... I didn't... want to see you..." he muttered, his voice so low. I'm sorry, Wanyin... he thought and closed his eyes, preventing his tears from falling. "Huh?" Jiang Cheng said, clearly didn't hear what he said. He raised his head and forced a smile. "It's nothing." He said. "I apologize again, Sect Leader Jiang." He told him and bowed. He then silently left. "... what the hell was that?" Jiang Cheng muttered, more puzzled than before. Yes... he thought. Just what the hell is happening to me? he thought as he lowered his head. I'm sorry... Wanyin... he thought and a tear finally escaped his eye. "Wanyin..." he muttered and fell on his knees as he cried. "Brother..." Lan Wangji called, his crystal clear eyes looking at him full of pity. "... you can't make up your mind again." He told him. He smiled bitterly. Earlier, when he saw him walked on the bridge, he felt his whole world lit up. But, just as he's about to tell him what he feels, again... it happened again. He saw Jin Guangyao, bathed in blood again. "Damn it." He cursed as he punched the ground, didn't mind his knuckles were hurt. It was just like last time again, when he tried to confess. A/N: whew! *wipes sweat off the forehead. This is the longest chapter I wrote of XiCheng fanfic XDXDXD I could cut it in some parts, but... I don't want to! I hate cliffhangers! . yes. I feel you readers XDXDXD anyway, this long chap is all worth it! ^_^ I hope you enjoyed this ^_^ Note: damn it. JGY, why you show up? T.T leave my XiCheng be T.T
