Chapter 246
“It was comfortable when I was wearing the necklace, because I didn’t have to ‘prove’ anything. No one would ask me to prove myself… Still, I always wanted to go back to living as ‘me’. I couldn’t bear to forget or abandon myself… I just wanted to live the way I was born. I thought I should give it another chance because it became painful for me to keep denying myself. That’s why I’m now trying to get my name back, but that alone is already too hard. I realise once again that I’m only just a beggar. So, if you want to make me more miserable, go on, keep saying nice things like that!”
“…”
The reckless outpour of words was new to Lil.
‘I have never said this to anyone.’
Lil always boasted that she couldn’t be wrong and that she would never be shaken by any humiliation. She couldn’t show any flaws, not even to herself. All because a little slack or a little mistake would already be deemed unforgivable. Although someone in the future was bound to find the vague path that Lil initiated, she believed that in order to contribute even a little to that future, she had to be blameless herself.
But now, she felt weaker than she had ever experienced. Rather than a tiny gap, it was as if a large hole had opened somewhere in her body and all the emotions she had concealed throughout her life began pouring out.
‘But why am I taking it out on Ed when I’m the one who’s both a disappointing and disgusting person?’
“I’m sorry.”
“…”
“I didn’t mean to… I don’t know why I’m spewing these hateful words at you. It’s so…”
“The Ruwa tribe… On the Western Continent lived people belonging to the Ruwa tribe. They were exterminated not long after they were brought to the Central Continent. Do you know why?”
“..!”
‘He talked about them in his letter… The unexpected story has both been a humiliating and depressing memory for Ed…’
Lil stiffened, unable to get a word out. Meanwhile, Ed, who came closer, held Lil’s finger.
“I did something terrible, but I had no idea that what I did was wrong. I thought I could simply fix it and they could live here well. I decided to let them live in the place where I was born, so I tried to change them to fit the atmosphere of this place. It was too late when I realised my mistake. It took so, so long. Why didn’t I realise the truth sooner? That they were most perfect where they were born in their most natural state. Why did I try to change them to suit my way? It may seem obvious to you, but it was extremely difficult for me. Because that was how I was taught to think. And as I was formed in that manner, it was unclear how much of it was the result of pure thinking and how much was acquired as one grew up.”
“…”
Ed’s fingertips interlocked with hers.
“You praised my library. You said you were jealous, that you envied me for being able to read whatever I wanted. But you don’t have to envy me…”
“…”
‘To be honest, it’s not that I envy his library, I hate it. Among the countless books, the books I actually read in my life can be counted on ten fingers… And there’s no way there’s a ‘Guide to Good Embroidery’ there. I became sick of feeling infinitely small among the books that fill the library’s huge space. The gap between Ed and myself, which I can feel all the way into my bones, is terrible…’
Thinking so, Lil couldn’t understand anything that Ed was saying at all.
“You already know everything.”
“…What?”
“The reason I was able to come this far is probably because of that library. Even so, it’s still difficult and daunting. I don’t even know where I’m heading towards. But you already knew since you were fifteen… No, I’m sure it was even before that.”
“..?”
Still confused, Lil flinched and leaned back, but Ed tightened his grip on her as if he wouldn’t let her go.
“The truth I want to grasp. The world I want to affirm.”
“What…”
“That world already exists within you, a world that I can only picture in my vague imagination.”
“I don’t understand…”
“I didn’t know what kind of ideal I was chasing or what words I could use to describe it. But then, I saw you in Panichi. At that time… When I looked at you, it was like the sun was rising…*”
“No, stop it…”
“It was so red. The very world I was looking for just emerged before my eyes. When you told me that story, I was also convinced that I was the first to hear it as it was clear by the clumsy way you spoke. But, it was unbelievably beautiful. You probably have no clue about the joy I felt that day. It was an ecstasy that cannot be described. Every single day, I’m in awe due to the fact that I’m born in the same era as you and that I have the chance of facing you so closely. Do you think I will allow myself to miss this miracle? I can’t. And definitely for a reason as trivial as the Prince Regent…”
“…”
The more Ed’s sentences continued, the lower Lil bowed her head. Tears slowly dropped to the floor as she was looking down. At some point, Lil could no longer put up with them. And even though she tried to suppress her sobs, she eventually started to cry.
‘Ed is too persistent… He was and still is… And he persistently says only one thing. That I’m right. He just kept saying the same thing over and over again, without getting tired of it… And as for me, I want to hear it again, and again, and again, for the rest of my life… I always thought that when I met someone who affirmed my life at least once in my life, I would be content to simply pass him by. Even if only for a brief moment, I thought it would be enough to keep me immensely satisfied for a long time. But it seems like I can’t let him pass by like this… I feel like I can’t leave… I want to be happy like this… And if I don’t get away from him now, it can definitely happen… Right?’
A strong conviction that she had never felt before pierced her heart like a dagger.
Lil was surprised at herself, now that she paid more attention to her emotions. While her desire fluttered like waves, her heart, like a boat, soared through the fierce waters and capsized first before rising mighty above them.
‘How funny. I can’t believe that I suddenly want to live like an ordinary human being. Or maybe it isn’t that strange, part of me always thought that if I were a person who didn’t deserve happiness, I wouldn’t have been allowed to even wish for happiness. So, I always had the feeling that the reason I could dream of happiness was because I, too, had a piece of happiness waiting for me. However, I thought I would get too greedy if I dreamed too much of it, so I daydreamed just a little, that way I could keep it at a manageable size… I never expected that it would be so full and overflowing, and topple my inhibitions.’
“You can love anyone. It can be easier, it can also be harder. But I’ll remain the same.”
“…”
As Lil wouldn’t raise her head, Ed lowered himself to one knee so Lil could see his face in front of her blurry eyes. Ed then guided her hand to his cheek and pressed the back of her hand.
“Remember where you said you would return to and who you’re standing in front of now.”
“…”
Neither of them knew when it started, but Ed’s voice was trembling too. Ed kept pressing Lil’s palm to his cheek, as though he wanted to be touched.
‘Like when I caressed his brow in the music room before, I still remember how much I felt sorry for him at that time…’
“Don’t go. I want to be by your side.”
“…”
‘…It’s the same for me too.’
With her answer staying on the tip of Lil’s tongue, Ed’s trembling voice continued to mumble into Lil’s palm.
“…I want to because I love you. I don’t know what else to feel but love. I don’t even know how to explain this. So, please just understand…”
Lil wiped her eyes with her free hand. No matter what she did, her tears wouldn’t stop so she lifted her head and stared at the ceiling.
“…I…”
“…”
A muffled voice clogged her throat. Lil, who sniffled loudly, let out words that she could hardly continue.
“I am a human… I want to become a human…”
“…”
It was so hard for her to say those words, that her whole body seemed to be shaking. Lil gritted her teeth while still staring somewhere blankly.
No matter how many times Ed’s hand wiped her cheek, her sadness didn’t stop.
“Where do I start?”
“I’ll be there.”
As Lil lowered her head to face Ed, a stream of water crawled over her tilted nose, gathered at the tip, and dripped down. While Lil was looking at his face, Ed lifted his kneeling body. Her gaze followed him upwards.
And while the candle casted a shadow on Ed, Ed casted a shadow on Lil…
– – – – –
Reference:
“I didn’t know what kind of ideal I was chasing or what words I could use to describe it. But then, I saw you in Panichi. At that time… When I looked at you, it was like the rising sun…” = Chapters 65 and 66 = Back on Panichi in the recruitment tent. It was one of the first times that told Ed one of her ideals and was even able to counter Ed’s criticism of her way of thinking. The scene that followed contained Ed’s explanation about the farmer and his seed.
Chapter 246
“It was comfortable when I was wearing the necklace, because I didn’t have to ‘prove’ anything. No one would ask me to prove myself… Still, I always wanted to go back to living as ‘me’. I couldn’t bear to forget or abandon myself… I just wanted to live the way I was born. I thought I should give it another chance because it became painful for me to keep denying myself. That’s why I’m now trying to get my name back, but that alone is already too hard. I realise once again that I’m only just a beggar. So, if you want to make me more miserable, go on, keep saying nice things like that!”
“…”
The reckless outpour of words was new to Lil.
‘I have never said this to anyone.’
Lil always boasted that she couldn’t be wrong and that she would never be shaken by any humiliation. She couldn’t show any flaws, not even to herself. All because a little slack or a little mistake would already be deemed unforgivable. Although someone in the future was bound to find the vague path that Lil initiated, she believed that in order to contribute even a little to that future, she had to be blameless herself.
But now, she felt weaker than she had ever experienced. Rather than a tiny gap, it was as if a large hole had opened somewhere in her body and all the emotions she had concealed throughout her life began pouring out.
‘But why am I taking it out on Ed when I’m the one who’s both a disappointing and disgusting person?’
“I’m sorry.”
“…”
“I didn’t mean to… I don’t know why I’m spewing these hateful words at you. It’s so…”
“The Ruwa tribe… On the Western Continent lived people belonging to the Ruwa tribe. They were exterminated not long after they were brought to the Central Continent. Do you know why?”
“..!”
‘He talked about them in his letter… The unexpected story has both been a humiliating and depressing memory for Ed…’
Lil stiffened, unable to get a word out. Meanwhile, Ed, who came closer, held Lil’s finger.
“I did something terrible, but I had no idea that what I did was wrong. I thought I could simply fix it and they could live here well. I decided to let them live in the place where I was born, so I tried to change them to fit the atmosphere of this place. It was too late when I realised my mistake. It took so, so long. Why didn’t I realise the truth sooner? That they were most perfect where they were born in their most natural state. Why did I try to change them to suit my way? It may seem obvious to you, but it was extremely difficult for me. Because that was how I was taught to think. And as I was formed in that manner, it was unclear how much of it was the result of pure thinking and how much was acquired as one grew up.”
“…”
Ed’s fingertips interlocked with hers.
“You praised my library. You said you were jealous, that you envied me for being able to read whatever I wanted. But you don’t have to envy me…”
“…”
‘To be honest, it’s not that I envy his library, I hate it. Among the countless books, the books I actually read in my life can be counted on ten fingers… And there’s no way there’s a ‘Guide to Good Embroidery’ there. I became sick of feeling infinitely small among the books that fill the library’s huge space. The gap between Ed and myself, which I can feel all the way into my bones, is terrible…’
Thinking so, Lil couldn’t understand anything that Ed was saying at all.
“You already know everything.”
“…What?”
“The reason I was able to come this far is probably because of that library. Even so, it’s still difficult and daunting. I don’t even know where I’m heading towards. But you already knew since you were fifteen… No, I’m sure it was even before that.”
“..?”
Still confused, Lil flinched and leaned back, but Ed tightened his grip on her as if he wouldn’t let her go.
“The truth I want to grasp. The world I want to affirm.”
“What…”
“That world already exists within you, a world that I can only picture in my vague imagination.”
“I don’t understand…”
“I didn’t know what kind of ideal I was chasing or what words I could use to describe it. But then, I saw you in Panichi. At that time… When I looked at you, it was like the sun was rising…*”
“No, stop it…”
“It was so red. The very world I was looking for just emerged before my eyes. When you told me that story, I was also convinced that I was the first to hear it as it was clear by the clumsy way you spoke. But, it was unbelievably beautiful. You probably have no clue about the joy I felt that day. It was an ecstasy that cannot be described. Every single day, I’m in awe due to the fact that I’m born in the same era as you and that I have the chance of facing you so closely. Do you think I will allow myself to miss this miracle? I can’t. And definitely for a reason as trivial as the Prince Regent…”
“…”
The more Ed’s sentences continued, the lower Lil bowed her head. Tears slowly dropped to the floor as she was looking down. At some point, Lil could no longer put up with them. And even though she tried to suppress her sobs, she eventually started to cry.
‘Ed is too persistent… He was and still is… And he persistently says only one thing. That I’m right. He just kept saying the same thing over and over again, without getting tired of it… And as for me, I want to hear it again, and again, and again, for the rest of my life… I always thought that when I met someone who affirmed my life at least once in my life, I would be content to simply pass him by. Even if only for a brief moment, I thought it would be enough to keep me immensely satisfied for a long time. But it seems like I can’t let him pass by like this… I feel like I can’t leave… I want to be happy like this… And if I don’t get away from him now, it can definitely happen… Right?’
A strong conviction that she had never felt before pierced her heart like a dagger.
Lil was surprised at herself, now that she paid more attention to her emotions. While her desire fluttered like waves, her heart, like a boat, soared through the fierce waters and capsized first before rising mighty above them.
‘How funny. I can’t believe that I suddenly want to live like an ordinary human being. Or maybe it isn’t that strange, part of me always thought that if I were a person who didn’t deserve happiness, I wouldn’t have been allowed to even wish for happiness. So, I always had the feeling that the reason I could dream of happiness was because I, too, had a piece of happiness waiting for me. However, I thought I would get too greedy if I dreamed too much of it, so I daydreamed just a little, that way I could keep it at a manageable size… I never expected that it would be so full and overflowing, and topple my inhibitions.’
“You can love anyone. It can be easier, it can also be harder. But I’ll remain the same.”
“…”
As Lil wouldn’t raise her head, Ed lowered himself to one knee so Lil could see his face in front of her blurry eyes. Ed then guided her hand to his cheek and pressed the back of her hand.
“Remember where you said you would return to and who you’re standing in front of now.”
“…”
Neither of them knew when it started, but Ed’s voice was trembling too. Ed kept pressing Lil’s palm to his cheek, as though he wanted to be touched.
‘Like when I caressed his brow in the music room before, I still remember how much I felt sorry for him at that time…’
“Don’t go. I want to be by your side.”
“…”
‘…It’s the same for me too.’
With her answer staying on the tip of Lil’s tongue, Ed’s trembling voice continued to mumble into Lil’s palm.
“…I want to because I love you. I don’t know what else to feel but love. I don’t even know how to explain this. So, please just understand…”
Lil wiped her eyes with her free hand. No matter what she did, her tears wouldn’t stop so she lifted her head and stared at the ceiling.
“…I…”
“…”
A muffled voice clogged her throat. Lil, who sniffled loudly, let out words that she could hardly continue.
“I am a human… I want to become a human…”
“…”
It was so hard for her to say those words, that her whole body seemed to be shaking. Lil gritted her teeth while still staring somewhere blankly.
No matter how many times Ed’s hand wiped her cheek, her sadness didn’t stop.
“Where do I start?”
“I’ll be there.”
As Lil lowered her head to face Ed, a stream of water crawled over her tilted nose, gathered at the tip, and dripped down. While Lil was looking at his face, Ed lifted his kneeling body. Her gaze followed him upwards.
And while the candle casted a shadow on Ed, Ed casted a shadow on Lil…
– – – – –
Reference:
“I didn’t know what kind of ideal I was chasing or what words I could use to describe it. But then, I saw you in Panichi. At that time… When I looked at you, it was like the rising sun…” = Chapters 65 and 66 = Back on Panichi in the recruitment tent. It was one of the first times that told Ed one of her ideals and was even able to counter Ed’s criticism of her way of thinking. The scene that followed contained Ed’s explanation about the farmer and his seed.
