“Nnn~”
When that sound leaked out from between her lips, I felt a hand on the back of my neck. I’d tunnel-visioned on the phone and failed to notice when it happened. Her left arm had extended up, in front of her, and hooked around the back of my neck.
Her eyes opened up partially, in a lucid dream-like state. Her lips slightly parted as she looked up at me blankly. She unconsciously released her phone and pulled my left hand down below the couch while simultaneously pulling down on the back of my neck with her left hand to lift her head up a short distance off the couch.
I could neither say nor do anything. Before I knew it, our lips were locked. The only thing I could do now was curse her in my mind.
But when I thought about it, wasn’t this the first time we’ve kissed? I’d precisely avoided this situation developing on Valentine’s Day in this exact same setting only for it to happen a few months down the line anyway. What the hell’s with this? She doesn’t even seem to be fully awake. Does she think this is a dream or something?
Her eyes shut and the weight pulling down on the back of my neck increased as I was brought down to one knee and bent over her on the couch. Her tongue slipped between my lips, but the instant the tip of her tongue came into contact with mine her eyes jolted open wide. She abruptly released me and I fell back and lost my balance.
“What do you think you’re doing kissing me when I’m sleeping you creep!” She sat up flustered as she tried to grasp the situation.
“Creep? You’re the creep! You’re the one who forcefully kissed me while half asleep!”
“Huh? Oh... it’s just you.”
“Who did you think I was?”
“A weird fan who thought he could kiss me while I was asleep.”
“I wouldn’t kiss you even if you paid me to.”
“Then what were you doing just now if not kissing your girlfriend in her sleep?”
“I was trying to get your phone to delete the pictures but then you went and did that on your own.”
“Really? You’re sure you didn’t lose yourself to your lust and force a kiss on me?”
“Yes, I’m 100% sure.”
“Do you have proof?”
“Huh? Uh… no… it’s not like I was recording expecting something like that would happen.”
“I see. Then I suppose you’re guilty.”
“I’m innocent until proven guilty. You’re the one who needs to prove I’m guilty, not the other way around.”
“The fact that you kissed me is more than enough evidence for me. There’s no way I’d be the one to kiss you. You were the one who kissed me.”
“Is this some sort of stupid celebrity pride thing?”
“No.” She puffed out her cheek and averted her eyes to the side in a haughty fashion as she crossed her right leg over her left.
“It couldn’t be… that you actually… wanted me to kiss you all this time or something… right?”
“I mean… I’m one of your girlfriends… it’s weird that we haven’t kissed yet… but… that really was…” she touched her lower and upper lip with her index and middle finger respectively in a slight daze before she continued in a mumble, “... how we had our... first kiss together. Somehow… it's super unsatisfying. I was half asleep… and barely even remember it.”
“I’m deleting that picture now,” I completely ignored her delusions and opened up the photos app on her phone. I was lucky since It’d been unlocked.
I selected all the photos she took of me today and right when I was about to delete them Angela leaped off the couch. In my seated position on the ground, she pushed me down and pinned me to the ground as she squeezed down hard on my wrists.
“No way! You’re not deleting them. You only caught me because I fell asleep.”
“Yeah, I caught you lacking, that’s on you.”
“It’s all your fault I fell asleep.”
“How’s it my fault?”
“I’m exhausted from negotiations that have stretched over the last few months with the company you suggested I invest in. Combine that with finals and I was ready to collapse. I only got back from an overseas business trip yesterday, you know.”
“How is any of that my fault? So what if I suggested investing in that company. It’s still your decision whether you do so or not.”
“I can at least have a small little reward like a few embarrassing pictures of my neglectful boyfriend for all my effort over the last few months, can’t I?”
When she put it like that it stung a bit. Just a bit.
“Uh… well, I guess you can... keep them. Nobody but you can ever see these though.”
“Huh?”
“What is it?”
“Uh… I was sort of prepared to fight you to the death. Is something wrong? Are you feeling okay? You’re not feeling sick now, right?”
“I changed my mind, I’m deleting it after all.”
“Hey, since it seems you dislike the idea of kissing me so much, if you don’t hand my phone over now with the photos still there, I’ll kiss you.” She grinned evilly as if she’d put me in checkmate.
What sort of backward nonsense is this? How does one even find themself in such an idiotic situation with a woman? Am I supposed to scream with tears in my eyes, ‘No, please don’t kiss me, anything but that!’ This absolutely does not happen in reality, I must have fallen asleep at some point without realizing it and I’m having a nightmare right now or something. That’s the only conceivable explanation for this.
“You… wouldn’t dare.”
“Would you like to take that gamble?” I trembled in horror as her eyes gleamed with seriousness.
“Hey…”
“What is it?”
“This is a serious question. Do you think I fell asleep while searching for you and I’m in some sort of twisted nightmare right now?”
“Nightmare? Shouldn’t this be every guy’s dream?”
“No, don’t you see there’s something seriously wrong with this situation?”
“Wrong? How so?”
“This is some of that super cringy wish-fulfillment shit you see in a story. There’s no chance in hell you’d ever see this happen in reality.”
“Certainly. I can see why you might be led to believe this isn’t happening.”
“Right? It makes no sense. And as such, I propose that you get off of me. If not, I’ll have an existential crisis and begin to wonder if I’m a being of someone else’s creation.”
“Oh, you mean like a character in a story?”
“Yeah.”
“But let’s say god exists. Aren’t we all just characters in the story he created?”
“Yes, so to disprove the existence of god and that we’re not some sort of puppets dancing to the whims of a higher power, I propose that you get off me right now. If you don’t want to be a slave without any free will, you’d stand up right now and not kiss me.”
“You’re really trying to jump through a lot of hoops just to avoid me kissing you. But you do realize, you can disprove the existence of god’s yourself by simply giving my phone back and not deleting the photos, right?”
“I’d like to do both, that will ascertain there is no god.”
“What, you want to have your cake and eat it twice?”
“Yeah.”
“Aren’t you too unreasonable?”
“Okay, I get it. You can have your phone back and I won’t delete the pictures.”
“Oh? You won’t?”
“I won’t.”
I opened my hand and her phone slid out of it onto the ground. She released one of my wrists, grabbed her phone, and verified the photos hadn’t been deleted.
“Haaaaah. Can you get off me now? I really don’t understand how I’ve found myself in this sort of position with you on more than one occasion.”
“Good, they’re all still there.” A relieved smile crept onto her face when she confirmed the pictures she took were still there.
“Hey, don’t ignore me, you’re heavy.”
It seems the term heavy caught her attention. Her hawkish eyes instantly honed in on me.
“Would you like to repeat yourself? What did you say I am?”
“Heavy.”
“Rather than me being heavy, don’t you think maybe you’re just too weak? Maybe you should hit the gym and put on some muscles if you think I’m heavy.” She cocked her lips back derisively.
“Do you like guys with muscles?”
“Sure, I’m sure lots of girls like guys with some muscle to them.”
“I see. Then I won’t be hitting the gym.”
Her lips twitched as she asked, “Because I said I like them?”
“Yeah.”
“Then if I said I dislike them?”
“I still wouldn’t hit the gym.”
“Why not?”
“Who’s paying for that gym membership? I sure as hell am not.”
“Doesn’t the university automatically enroll students for a gym membership here as one of the miscellaneous fees and all you need to do is claim your membership?”
“There was an opt-out process so I opted out. I’m not paying for crap I’m never going to use. If I want to work out, I can do so for free. Be it push-ups, sit-ups, going out for a jog, riding a bike, there are many exercises that don’t cost me a cent. I’m not looking to become some macho dude on steroids with veins bulging out of my arms. Gyms are a scam as far as I’m concerned.”
Well, it varied from person to person of course, but for me, it was as good as a scam. As a loner, I had no interest in the ‘being part of a community’ aspect of it.
“Aren’t you a bit too cheap?”
“Yeah, I’m a cheapskate, so what? Are you only finding that out now?”
“No. I already knew you were cheap.”
“...” What do I even say to that?
“Nothing to say back?”
“I don’t know what to say. Are you actually one of those weird women who derive pleasure from acting as a sugar mama?”
“Pfft hahaha! No way, no way.”
“I see.”
“Are you disappointed? Were you actually hoping I’d be a sugar mama?”
“I don’t want your money. I’ll only accept money I earned for work I’ve done. But… that reminds me, I never collected for the services I provided to you that day. The mask I left behind comes up to $12. It was about 20 hours of labor which works out to about $260. The electricity bill, I’ll estimate it to be around $20. What else was there? Oh yeah, the external hard drive I sacrificed works out to about $70. The total would come up to $362. If I include taxes since goods and services are taxable, let’s see... it would be… ten percent… $36.20… one percent…$3.62… times two… $7.24… so altogether $405.44 using a 12% tax. Oh, but if we include interest due to your delinquency on payment-”
Angela cut me off, “Cheap! So freaking cheap!”
“How am I cheap? I’m just trying to collect for the work I did.”
“You’re impossible to understand. For a… service like this, the price you’re quoting is insanely cheap. You’re even using minimum wage for an hourly rate of pay? What the hell’s with that? But at the same time, you’re being a total cheapskate by trying to tag on taxes and interest. There’s too much for me to retort here.”
“I see, but anyway, with interest let’s make it $450.”
“Ugh. Uhh… that’s a bit.”
“What? You were just going on about how cheap the price was.”
“After the investment I made, money’s… a little-”
“I was joking. You don’t really need to pay.” Her making that investment can already be considered payment. Information I could get out of her in the near future as a result of the investment she went through with was something far more valuable.
“I’ll pay. I’m not trying to weasel out of trying to pay. I just need more time.”
“I’m serious, I don’t need you to pay.”
“Why not?”
“Because you're my girlfriend. Would you be happy if I said that?”
“I wouldn’t be happy at all since it’s definitely some cheap lip service to try and placate me.”
“Then, it’s because of the information I can get out of you after investing in that company. That’s more than enough as payment.”
“Good. That sort of reason is much more fitting for the devil I know.” Without any warning, a daring grin on her face, Angela leaned forward and kissed me as I stared back at her stupefied. No way… god exists and is pulling the strings in the background to mess with me? Bullshit!
When Angela pulled away from me, she closed her right eye and spoke softly with an impish smile, “God didn’t make me kiss you just now, I wanted to kiss you specifically to see what you’d look like when going through an existential crisis. I have to say, it was a more satisfying sight than I thought it would be.”
After she said that, she stood up with her phone in hand, turned around, and left me behind in the museum.
God if you can hear me, screw you. Like hell he could hear me. There is no god. God is a scam. He really is nothing more than a devil who likes to play tricks on others. Definitely. I’m sure of that now.
If I ever find the devil masquerading around as god, I’ll kill him.
With that, my unexpected encounter with Angela and Zale today came to an abrupt end.
“Nnn~”
When that sound leaked out from between her lips, I felt a hand on the back of my neck. I’d tunnel-visioned on the phone and failed to notice when it happened. Her left arm had extended up, in front of her, and hooked around the back of my neck.
Her eyes opened up partially, in a lucid dream-like state. Her lips slightly parted as she looked up at me blankly. She unconsciously released her phone and pulled my left hand down below the couch while simultaneously pulling down on the back of my neck with her left hand to lift her head up a short distance off the couch.
I could neither say nor do anything. Before I knew it, our lips were locked. The only thing I could do now was curse her in my mind.
But when I thought about it, wasn’t this the first time we’ve kissed? I’d precisely avoided this situation developing on Valentine’s Day in this exact same setting only for it to happen a few months down the line anyway. What the hell’s with this? She doesn’t even seem to be fully awake. Does she think this is a dream or something?
Her eyes shut and the weight pulling down on the back of my neck increased as I was brought down to one knee and bent over her on the couch. Her tongue slipped between my lips, but the instant the tip of her tongue came into contact with mine her eyes jolted open wide. She abruptly released me and I fell back and lost my balance.
“What do you think you’re doing kissing me when I’m sleeping you creep!” She sat up flustered as she tried to grasp the situation.
“Creep? You’re the creep! You’re the one who forcefully kissed me while half asleep!”
“Huh? Oh... it’s just you.”
“Who did you think I was?”
“A weird fan who thought he could kiss me while I was asleep.”
“I wouldn’t kiss you even if you paid me to.”
“Then what were you doing just now if not kissing your girlfriend in her sleep?”
“I was trying to get your phone to delete the pictures but then you went and did that on your own.”
“Really? You’re sure you didn’t lose yourself to your lust and force a kiss on me?”
“Yes, I’m 100% sure.”
“Do you have proof?”
“Huh? Uh… no… it’s not like I was recording expecting something like that would happen.”
“I see. Then I suppose you’re guilty.”
“I’m innocent until proven guilty. You’re the one who needs to prove I’m guilty, not the other way around.”
“The fact that you kissed me is more than enough evidence for me. There’s no way I’d be the one to kiss you. You were the one who kissed me.”
“Is this some sort of stupid celebrity pride thing?”
“No.” She puffed out her cheek and averted her eyes to the side in a haughty fashion as she crossed her right leg over her left.
“It couldn’t be… that you actually… wanted me to kiss you all this time or something… right?”
“I mean… I’m one of your girlfriends… it’s weird that we haven’t kissed yet… but… that really was…” she touched her lower and upper lip with her index and middle finger respectively in a slight daze before she continued in a mumble, “... how we had our... first kiss together. Somehow… it's super unsatisfying. I was half asleep… and barely even remember it.”
“I’m deleting that picture now,” I completely ignored her delusions and opened up the photos app on her phone. I was lucky since It’d been unlocked.
I selected all the photos she took of me today and right when I was about to delete them Angela leaped off the couch. In my seated position on the ground, she pushed me down and pinned me to the ground as she squeezed down hard on my wrists.
“No way! You’re not deleting them. You only caught me because I fell asleep.”
“Yeah, I caught you lacking, that’s on you.”
“It’s all your fault I fell asleep.”
“How’s it my fault?”
“I’m exhausted from negotiations that have stretched over the last few months with the company you suggested I invest in. Combine that with finals and I was ready to collapse. I only got back from an overseas business trip yesterday, you know.”
“How is any of that my fault? So what if I suggested investing in that company. It’s still your decision whether you do so or not.”
“I can at least have a small little reward like a few embarrassing pictures of my neglectful boyfriend for all my effort over the last few months, can’t I?”
When she put it like that it stung a bit. Just a bit.
“Uh… well, I guess you can... keep them. Nobody but you can ever see these though.”
“Huh?”
“What is it?”
“Uh… I was sort of prepared to fight you to the death. Is something wrong? Are you feeling okay? You’re not feeling sick now, right?”
“I changed my mind, I’m deleting it after all.”
“Hey, since it seems you dislike the idea of kissing me so much, if you don’t hand my phone over now with the photos still there, I’ll kiss you.” She grinned evilly as if she’d put me in checkmate.
What sort of backward nonsense is this? How does one even find themself in such an idiotic situation with a woman? Am I supposed to scream with tears in my eyes, ‘No, please don’t kiss me, anything but that!’ This absolutely does not happen in reality, I must have fallen asleep at some point without realizing it and I’m having a nightmare right now or something. That’s the only conceivable explanation for this.
“You… wouldn’t dare.”
“Would you like to take that gamble?” I trembled in horror as her eyes gleamed with seriousness.
“Hey…”
“What is it?”
“This is a serious question. Do you think I fell asleep while searching for you and I’m in some sort of twisted nightmare right now?”
“Nightmare? Shouldn’t this be every guy’s dream?”
“No, don’t you see there’s something seriously wrong with this situation?”
“Wrong? How so?”
“This is some of that super cringy wish-fulfillment shit you see in a story. There’s no chance in hell you’d ever see this happen in reality.”
“Certainly. I can see why you might be led to believe this isn’t happening.”
“Right? It makes no sense. And as such, I propose that you get off of me. If not, I’ll have an existential crisis and begin to wonder if I’m a being of someone else’s creation.”
“Oh, you mean like a character in a story?”
“Yeah.”
“But let’s say god exists. Aren’t we all just characters in the story he created?”
“Yes, so to disprove the existence of god and that we’re not some sort of puppets dancing to the whims of a higher power, I propose that you get off me right now. If you don’t want to be a slave without any free will, you’d stand up right now and not kiss me.”
“You’re really trying to jump through a lot of hoops just to avoid me kissing you. But you do realize, you can disprove the existence of god’s yourself by simply giving my phone back and not deleting the photos, right?”
“I’d like to do both, that will ascertain there is no god.”
“What, you want to have your cake and eat it twice?”
“Yeah.”
“Aren’t you too unreasonable?”
“Okay, I get it. You can have your phone back and I won’t delete the pictures.”
“Oh? You won’t?”
“I won’t.”
I opened my hand and her phone slid out of it onto the ground. She released one of my wrists, grabbed her phone, and verified the photos hadn’t been deleted.
“Haaaaah. Can you get off me now? I really don’t understand how I’ve found myself in this sort of position with you on more than one occasion.”
“Good, they’re all still there.” A relieved smile crept onto her face when she confirmed the pictures she took were still there.
“Hey, don’t ignore me, you’re heavy.”
It seems the term heavy caught her attention. Her hawkish eyes instantly honed in on me.
“Would you like to repeat yourself? What did you say I am?”
“Heavy.”
“Rather than me being heavy, don’t you think maybe you’re just too weak? Maybe you should hit the gym and put on some muscles if you think I’m heavy.” She cocked her lips back derisively.
“Do you like guys with muscles?”
“Sure, I’m sure lots of girls like guys with some muscle to them.”
“I see. Then I won’t be hitting the gym.”
Her lips twitched as she asked, “Because I said I like them?”
“Yeah.”
“Then if I said I dislike them?”
“I still wouldn’t hit the gym.”
“Why not?”
“Who’s paying for that gym membership? I sure as hell am not.”
“Doesn’t the university automatically enroll students for a gym membership here as one of the miscellaneous fees and all you need to do is claim your membership?”
“There was an opt-out process so I opted out. I’m not paying for crap I’m never going to use. If I want to work out, I can do so for free. Be it push-ups, sit-ups, going out for a jog, riding a bike, there are many exercises that don’t cost me a cent. I’m not looking to become some macho dude on steroids with veins bulging out of my arms. Gyms are a scam as far as I’m concerned.”
Well, it varied from person to person of course, but for me, it was as good as a scam. As a loner, I had no interest in the ‘being part of a community’ aspect of it.
“Aren’t you a bit too cheap?”
“Yeah, I’m a cheapskate, so what? Are you only finding that out now?”
“No. I already knew you were cheap.”
“...” What do I even say to that?
“Nothing to say back?”
“I don’t know what to say. Are you actually one of those weird women who derive pleasure from acting as a sugar mama?”
“Pfft hahaha! No way, no way.”
“I see.”
“Are you disappointed? Were you actually hoping I’d be a sugar mama?”
“I don’t want your money. I’ll only accept money I earned for work I’ve done. But… that reminds me, I never collected for the services I provided to you that day. The mask I left behind comes up to $12. It was about 20 hours of labor which works out to about $260. The electricity bill, I’ll estimate it to be around $20. What else was there? Oh yeah, the external hard drive I sacrificed works out to about $70. The total would come up to $362. If I include taxes since goods and services are taxable, let’s see... it would be… ten percent… $36.20… one percent…$3.62… times two… $7.24… so altogether $405.44 using a 12% tax. Oh, but if we include interest due to your delinquency on payment-”
Angela cut me off, “Cheap! So freaking cheap!”
“How am I cheap? I’m just trying to collect for the work I did.”
“You’re impossible to understand. For a… service like this, the price you’re quoting is insanely cheap. You’re even using minimum wage for an hourly rate of pay? What the hell’s with that? But at the same time, you’re being a total cheapskate by trying to tag on taxes and interest. There’s too much for me to retort here.”
“I see, but anyway, with interest let’s make it $450.”
“Ugh. Uhh… that’s a bit.”
“What? You were just going on about how cheap the price was.”
“After the investment I made, money’s… a little-”
“I was joking. You don’t really need to pay.” Her making that investment can already be considered payment. Information I could get out of her in the near future as a result of the investment she went through with was something far more valuable.
“I’ll pay. I’m not trying to weasel out of trying to pay. I just need more time.”
“I’m serious, I don’t need you to pay.”
“Why not?”
“Because you're my girlfriend. Would you be happy if I said that?”
“I wouldn’t be happy at all since it’s definitely some cheap lip service to try and placate me.”
“Then, it’s because of the information I can get out of you after investing in that company. That’s more than enough as payment.”
“Good. That sort of reason is much more fitting for the devil I know.” Without any warning, a daring grin on her face, Angela leaned forward and kissed me as I stared back at her stupefied. No way… god exists and is pulling the strings in the background to mess with me? Bullshit!
When Angela pulled away from me, she closed her right eye and spoke softly with an impish smile, “God didn’t make me kiss you just now, I wanted to kiss you specifically to see what you’d look like when going through an existential crisis. I have to say, it was a more satisfying sight than I thought it would be.”
After she said that, she stood up with her phone in hand, turned around, and left me behind in the museum.
God if you can hear me, screw you. Like hell he could hear me. There is no god. God is a scam. He really is nothing more than a devil who likes to play tricks on others. Definitely. I’m sure of that now.
If I ever find the devil masquerading around as god, I’ll kill him.
With that, my unexpected encounter with Angela and Zale today came to an abrupt end.
