Chapter 106
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Chapter 106
Look at you with your big ole paws and giant head. I wish you could stay tiny forever, you're too cute! Rain's cooing broke Rustram's concentration, opening his eyes to watch the young warrior rolling around in the grass with his pet cat. Unfathomable, for a warrior to act so... unreserved. If he had not seen Rain easily defeat the hulking Maota with a single hand, it would have been impossible to view him as a warrior, despite all the stories otherwise. After a week of travel and watching him make a fool of himself, it was becoming difficult to disagree with the disgruntled whispers cropping up, unflattering compliments and serious grievances directed towards their new leader.
Letting out his breath slowly, Rustram stretched in his seat, wincing as his regenerating hand throbbed in agony. Around him, his companions sat in quiet meditation, the Medical Saint Taduk chatting with Ravil in hushed tones while Healer Tokta worked with another soldier, asking questions and offering advice. A daily routine now, wake, ride, heal, repeat, and even thinking the words almost made him titter with delight, only his pride keeping him from cackling.
The second son of a second-rate merchant, learning to regenerate, it was almost beyond belief. Staring at his half-formed hand, he felt his 'fingers' grip and release, the sensation in his missing digits so real despite their obvious absence. His progress was faster than any others save Rain, and according to Healer Tokta, the process would be completed in a little more than a week. One more week and he would be whole again, and better yet, a Khishig, a warrior with purpose.
His spirit reignited, Rustram's closed his eyes once more and reached for Balance, barely dipping into the meditative state, focusing on nothing, aware of nothing but awareness itself. A simple phrase which had opened his eyes, uttered sarcastically by Rain. With his permission, Rustram had repeated it for the others to hear, gratified to see the same enlightenment mirrored in their eyes. So much knowledge held by the Bekhai, hidden behind their ferocious bearing and warlike mannerisms, given freely to them with but a simple oath: to serve in the defense of the Saint's Tribulations Mountains, as Sentinels. Far less stringent than the oaths taken to join the army, with better benefits, although not without its hazards. Even now, they rode towards battle with the Society of Heaven and Earth, the mere thought sending shivers through his body.
A gentle pat on his shoulder interrupted his concentration and he opened his eyes to see Lady Mei Lin greeting him with a warm smile. It's getting late, you should rest soon. Placing a still-warm meat bun in his palm, she sauntered off adorably, waking Bulat in the same manner. Fresh as a spring breeze, radiant and cheerful, their little squadron of cripples adored her, the sight of her walking sweetly beside Rain the source of many grumblings. His betrothal to Sumila common knowledge, Rain not the most popular of commanders, alienating himself from the soldiers with his actions, although Rustram was grateful to him. Without him, they would have been left without hope, slowly dying in the cruel streets of Shen Huo, instead of here successfully regenerating missing limbs and organs. The problem was, gratitude aside, no soldier liked to take orders from a dandy, and everyone hated a playboy, Rain doing little to improve his reputation with his actions.
Eating his meat bun, he studied Rain as he spoke to his pet in a sweet, sickening voice, blatantly slacking at his duties in plain sight. It was clear what was happening here, Rain far too clever to be doing this without purpose. Scratching at his unkempt beard, he grimaced at the unpleasant task set before him, wishing it upon anyone else in his stead. Unfortunately, no one else stepped forward and when a problem needed resolving, yesterday would have been the best time, but now would suffice. Walking over to Rain and gesturing for him to follow, they moved to a secluded corner, sitting together on a log. Turning to Rain, he frowned at the sight of him cuddling the kitten with a foolish grin on his face. Put the cat down, I wish to speak with you earnestly.
Rolling his eyes, the young man released the kitten, his face pinched in annoyance. So what's this about? You here to blame me for your pain as well? Like I said, I bought materials in the city but it's tough to make pills on the move. Just tough it out, you'll get used to the pain. Sort of.
Ah no, the discomfort is ... tolerable. Only after Bulat pointed out Rain had not shown a single sign of discomfort while regenerating an entire arm. Pride was an incredible thing, the spirit of competition enough to keep most soldiers from further complaints, not wanting to be outdone by the 'disgraceful' Rain. I want to tell you a story about myself. Ignoring Rain's questioning expression, he launched into it without further preamble. I was younger than you are now when I first joined the army, a scared young man with minimal martial training, thrust into a leadership position against my will, in charge of soldiers both stronger and more qualified than myself.
Having caught Rain's attention, he smiled at the young man, seeing so much of himself in him, a young man wanted nothing more than to laze about and chase skirts. Everyone knew I was a Lieutenant only thanks to some nonsensical, antiquated custom of buying rank, and my father's insistence that the Albaiev name not be associated with a common soldier, despite having made up the name only a few years earlier. Knowing nothing of being a leader and panic-stricken I would make a mess of things, I did everything possible to be dismissed, hoping to escape back to my life of leisure. Rain's attempt to appear casual was almost comical, his every thought displayed prominently. He would make a great fish for their card or tile games, a rich young man lacking all duplicity.
So uh ... what did you try?
Unwilling to answer the question, Rustram shook his head. That's irrelevant. What I am trying to say is, no matter how much I wished otherwise, I was a Lieutenant, responsible for the lives of the soldiers under my command. Instead of taking time to learn how to command, changing myself to be better suited for the role, I wasted my time avoiding my duties, and my fears came true: I fucked it all up." Pausing in thought, he remembered those days of guilt and fear, worrying the survivors would put a sword through his back and almost inviting the release. "My mistake cost several soldiers their lives, a regret I will carry to the grave.
He tried to meet Rain's eyes, but the young man was always wary of meeting gazes, an oddly submissive trait for one so outspoken. Settling for a hand on the shoulder, he concluded his lecture. I offer no accusation, criticism, or blame, I only state the truth. We march towards bloody conflict with only you to lead us. Accept the position and the obligations it entails, or pass it on to someone who will. There is no time for procrastination, our lives depend on it.
With one last pat, he stood and left Rain behind, letting the young man ponder things through and hoping he would come to the right decision. Although he was still lacking in many areas as a leader, he could learn, with no shortage of suitable teachers around him. It was his personality that gave Rustram hope, to follow a man who was talented and hardworking, altruistic and humble, a good change from the arrogance exuding from every officer he'd ever met.
Who else would have risked so much to help a group of useless cripples for no reward? That was the type of leader Rustram hoped to fight for, was willing to die for. Rustram Albaiev of Shen Huo would never amount to great things, but perhaps in a few hundred years, his descendants would proudly boast of their ancestor who had served with Falling Rain, Hero of the Empire.
More likely, they'd all die a dog's death in a few days, the Society crushing them all with barely a thought, but a man needs hope.
Without hope, what was the point in living?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Updated from novelbIn.(c)om
Her confidence sends me into hysterical giggling, the movement waking up my kitten and earning me a sound of discontent, his head snuggling against my chest. She's already made up her mind we will be married and can see no deviation from that future. My laughing fit at an end, I let out a long breath, squeezing Lin in my one-armed embrace. I don't know about marriage right now Lin, nor do I really want to make a decision. I just want to go home and regain some semblance of normality so I can clear my mind and figure things out. Removing my arm from around her, I move about to face her, kneeling so we are eye to eye, a difficult thing for me to do. Her large, brown eyes are expectant and patient, waiting quietly for me to say my piece, understanding my need to vent.
You may have noticed I've been more... tender with you. Her shy smile widens as she nods lightly, her cheeks blushing a little, and it makes it all the more difficult to admit this next part. Well I'm sorry to say, but that's not entirely by choice. Her smile freezes, and it takes every bit of willpower not to cup her face and bring her close to comfort, as doing so would send mixed messages. The mental attack, those illusions I'd immersed myself in, they messed with me in ways I still haven't completely puzzled out. I know it wasn't you in my dream, only an idealized, unreal caricature of you, tailor-made to keep me happy. The problem is, I see you and I remember our wedding we never had, or our trip we never took together... our children who were never born. And never will be, a tiny voice whispers inside my head, threatening to send me spiralling into despair. It's all a fantasy and it's unfair to you, because I don't really love you, or any of the others, I ... I'm just having difficulty separating fantasy and reality.
My voice thick with shame, I can no longer look her in the eyes, my head hanging as I stare at my sleeping kitten. That's why I've avoided Mila and spent my time with the kittens, it's just easier. I'm not strong enough to end the betrothal, and I can't shake my false affection for all of you, so I ignore everything and focus on these cuties. Nor am I brave enough to reject Akanai's daughter, especially not while I'm still trying to make up for my mistakes. I even told Yan she should go with Du Min Gyu, not only because it was her dream to find someone willing to teach her, but also because it got her away from me, letting me deal with my emotions on my own. Any longer and I wouldn't have been able to control myself. I need you to be more reserved, give me a bit of space, at least until we get back home. Please.
Ignoring my plaintive request, Lin surges forwards and embraces me tightly, her arms wrapped around my neck. Don't want to. I like all the hugs and hand-holding, it's like I have my sweet, affectionate Rainy back, the one who used to read me stories and carry me home after herb picking. Backing off, she places her hands on her hips and smiles sweetly. I made my choice, I'm going to be your wife. You take as much time as you need, I'll wait, but you should talk to Mi-Mi too, let her know your thoughts.
Reminding me once more that we have more grueling days ahead, she skips off back to her tent, leaving me alone once more with my kitten, thinking things through. Fucking decisions, too many for me to make. It's easier just to go with the flow, let life carry me around where it will, but that is no longer an option for me. I can't help but wonder what other me would say, and his imagined answer makes me laugh. 'Marry them all and sort it out later', a straightforward and idiotic response that somehow manages to make sense. In a few ways, his outlook is more suited to this world. I haven't even taken command, and I'm plagued with worry over leading soldiers to their deaths. Even if I decline, would Akanai let me off the hook so easily?
What about marriage? Is it unfair of me to leave Mila on the hook like this? Am I overthinking things, worried about false feelings of affection? And Lin, she only loves me because of a childhood crush, which makes me feel like I've done something wrong, tricked her in some way. Ugh, things would be so much easier if I just let other me take over for all the hard decisions, then I can at least blame everything on him.
Time to step up and make the tough choices.
...
Well... starting with the easiest one, at least.
Wandering back into camp, I leave my kitten in my bedroll before heading towards my destination, nervously sweating in the cool night air. Pausing outside the tent, my stomach does a series of somersaults as I steel myself for what comes next. This is a game changer, there's no going back once this is done.
After going through a series of imagined conversations, I give up and cough loudly, pausing a moment to listen before stepping through the flaps, hoping she isn't here. My hopes are soon dashed, and I simply blurt out what I came to say. I was talking to someone, and uhh... I've stalled these past few days because I didn't know what to do or say, or if I even wanted to. I'm flattered, and I'm willing now so if you can... uh... yea.
Her eyebrow raised, Akanai stares at me as if I'm having a stroke. What?
Clearing my throat, I try again. I err... Thank you for the leadership opportunity, and for believing in me, but I have no idea what I'm doing. If you want to replace me, I will not object, but if not, I humbly ask for your help and guidance in leading the new Sentinels.
With a wry smile, she gestures for me to sit. I am happy to see you finally take your duties seriously. You have much to learn and we have little time. Her smile disappears as quickly as it arrived, her demeanour stern and professional as always, holding her thumb and index finger scant millimetres apart. I was this close to hanging you by your ankles and dragging you behind my quin, hoping a few loose rocks would jar some sense into your thick skull.
...
I should buy Rustram a couple of drinks when we reach the Bridge. It's the least I can do.
Chapter Meme
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Chapter 106
Look at you with your big ole paws and giant head. I wish you could stay tiny forever, you're too cute! Rain's cooing broke Rustram's concentration, opening his eyes to watch the young warrior rolling around in the grass with his pet cat. Unfathomable, for a warrior to act so... unreserved. If he had not seen Rain easily defeat the hulking Maota with a single hand, it would have been impossible to view him as a warrior, despite all the stories otherwise. After a week of travel and watching him make a fool of himself, it was becoming difficult to disagree with the disgruntled whispers cropping up, unflattering compliments and serious grievances directed towards their new leader.
Letting out his breath slowly, Rustram stretched in his seat, wincing as his regenerating hand throbbed in agony. Around him, his companions sat in quiet meditation, the Medical Saint Taduk chatting with Ravil in hushed tones while Healer Tokta worked with another soldier, asking questions and offering advice. A daily routine now, wake, ride, heal, repeat, and even thinking the words almost made him titter with delight, only his pride keeping him from cackling.
The second son of a second-rate merchant, learning to regenerate, it was almost beyond belief. Staring at his half-formed hand, he felt his 'fingers' grip and release, the sensation in his missing digits so real despite their obvious absence. His progress was faster than any others save Rain, and according to Healer Tokta, the process would be completed in a little more than a week. One more week and he would be whole again, and better yet, a Khishig, a warrior with purpose.
His spirit reignited, Rustram's closed his eyes once more and reached for Balance, barely dipping into the meditative state, focusing on nothing, aware of nothing but awareness itself. A simple phrase which had opened his eyes, uttered sarcastically by Rain. With his permission, Rustram had repeated it for the others to hear, gratified to see the same enlightenment mirrored in their eyes. So much knowledge held by the Bekhai, hidden behind their ferocious bearing and warlike mannerisms, given freely to them with but a simple oath: to serve in the defense of the Saint's Tribulations Mountains, as Sentinels. Far less stringent than the oaths taken to join the army, with better benefits, although not without its hazards. Even now, they rode towards battle with the Society of Heaven and Earth, the mere thought sending shivers through his body.
A gentle pat on his shoulder interrupted his concentration and he opened his eyes to see Lady Mei Lin greeting him with a warm smile. It's getting late, you should rest soon. Placing a still-warm meat bun in his palm, she sauntered off adorably, waking Bulat in the same manner. Fresh as a spring breeze, radiant and cheerful, their little squadron of cripples adored her, the sight of her walking sweetly beside Rain the source of many grumblings. His betrothal to Sumila common knowledge, Rain not the most popular of commanders, alienating himself from the soldiers with his actions, although Rustram was grateful to him. Without him, they would have been left without hope, slowly dying in the cruel streets of Shen Huo, instead of here successfully regenerating missing limbs and organs. The problem was, gratitude aside, no soldier liked to take orders from a dandy, and everyone hated a playboy, Rain doing little to improve his reputation with his actions.
Eating his meat bun, he studied Rain as he spoke to his pet in a sweet, sickening voice, blatantly slacking at his duties in plain sight. It was clear what was happening here, Rain far too clever to be doing this without purpose. Scratching at his unkempt beard, he grimaced at the unpleasant task set before him, wishing it upon anyone else in his stead. Unfortunately, no one else stepped forward and when a problem needed resolving, yesterday would have been the best time, but now would suffice. Walking over to Rain and gesturing for him to follow, they moved to a secluded corner, sitting together on a log. Turning to Rain, he frowned at the sight of him cuddling the kitten with a foolish grin on his face. Put the cat down, I wish to speak with you earnestly.
Rolling his eyes, the young man released the kitten, his face pinched in annoyance. So what's this about? You here to blame me for your pain as well? Like I said, I bought materials in the city but it's tough to make pills on the move. Just tough it out, you'll get used to the pain. Sort of.
Ah no, the discomfort is ... tolerable. Only after Bulat pointed out Rain had not shown a single sign of discomfort while regenerating an entire arm. Pride was an incredible thing, the spirit of competition enough to keep most soldiers from further complaints, not wanting to be outdone by the 'disgraceful' Rain. I want to tell you a story about myself. Ignoring Rain's questioning expression, he launched into it without further preamble. I was younger than you are now when I first joined the army, a scared young man with minimal martial training, thrust into a leadership position against my will, in charge of soldiers both stronger and more qualified than myself.
Having caught Rain's attention, he smiled at the young man, seeing so much of himself in him, a young man wanted nothing more than to laze about and chase skirts. Everyone knew I was a Lieutenant only thanks to some nonsensical, antiquated custom of buying rank, and my father's insistence that the Albaiev name not be associated with a common soldier, despite having made up the name only a few years earlier. Knowing nothing of being a leader and panic-stricken I would make a mess of things, I did everything possible to be dismissed, hoping to escape back to my life of leisure. Rain's attempt to appear casual was almost comical, his every thought displayed prominently. He would make a great fish for their card or tile games, a rich young man lacking all duplicity.
So uh ... what did you try?
Unwilling to answer the question, Rustram shook his head. That's irrelevant. What I am trying to say is, no matter how much I wished otherwise, I was a Lieutenant, responsible for the lives of the soldiers under my command. Instead of taking time to learn how to command, changing myself to be better suited for the role, I wasted my time avoiding my duties, and my fears came true: I fucked it all up." Pausing in thought, he remembered those days of guilt and fear, worrying the survivors would put a sword through his back and almost inviting the release. "My mistake cost several soldiers their lives, a regret I will carry to the grave.
He tried to meet Rain's eyes, but the young man was always wary of meeting gazes, an oddly submissive trait for one so outspoken. Settling for a hand on the shoulder, he concluded his lecture. I offer no accusation, criticism, or blame, I only state the truth. We march towards bloody conflict with only you to lead us. Accept the position and the obligations it entails, or pass it on to someone who will. There is no time for procrastination, our lives depend on it.
With one last pat, he stood and left Rain behind, letting the young man ponder things through and hoping he would come to the right decision. Although he was still lacking in many areas as a leader, he could learn, with no shortage of suitable teachers around him. It was his personality that gave Rustram hope, to follow a man who was talented and hardworking, altruistic and humble, a good change from the arrogance exuding from every officer he'd ever met.
Who else would have risked so much to help a group of useless cripples for no reward? That was the type of leader Rustram hoped to fight for, was willing to die for. Rustram Albaiev of Shen Huo would never amount to great things, but perhaps in a few hundred years, his descendants would proudly boast of their ancestor who had served with Falling Rain, Hero of the Empire.
More likely, they'd all die a dog's death in a few days, the Society crushing them all with barely a thought, but a man needs hope.
Without hope, what was the point in living?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Updated from novelbIn.(c)om
Her confidence sends me into hysterical giggling, the movement waking up my kitten and earning me a sound of discontent, his head snuggling against my chest. She's already made up her mind we will be married and can see no deviation from that future. My laughing fit at an end, I let out a long breath, squeezing Lin in my one-armed embrace. I don't know about marriage right now Lin, nor do I really want to make a decision. I just want to go home and regain some semblance of normality so I can clear my mind and figure things out. Removing my arm from around her, I move about to face her, kneeling so we are eye to eye, a difficult thing for me to do. Her large, brown eyes are expectant and patient, waiting quietly for me to say my piece, understanding my need to vent.
You may have noticed I've been more... tender with you. Her shy smile widens as she nods lightly, her cheeks blushing a little, and it makes it all the more difficult to admit this next part. Well I'm sorry to say, but that's not entirely by choice. Her smile freezes, and it takes every bit of willpower not to cup her face and bring her close to comfort, as doing so would send mixed messages. The mental attack, those illusions I'd immersed myself in, they messed with me in ways I still haven't completely puzzled out. I know it wasn't you in my dream, only an idealized, unreal caricature of you, tailor-made to keep me happy. The problem is, I see you and I remember our wedding we never had, or our trip we never took together... our children who were never born. And never will be, a tiny voice whispers inside my head, threatening to send me spiralling into despair. It's all a fantasy and it's unfair to you, because I don't really love you, or any of the others, I ... I'm just having difficulty separating fantasy and reality.
My voice thick with shame, I can no longer look her in the eyes, my head hanging as I stare at my sleeping kitten. That's why I've avoided Mila and spent my time with the kittens, it's just easier. I'm not strong enough to end the betrothal, and I can't shake my false affection for all of you, so I ignore everything and focus on these cuties. Nor am I brave enough to reject Akanai's daughter, especially not while I'm still trying to make up for my mistakes. I even told Yan she should go with Du Min Gyu, not only because it was her dream to find someone willing to teach her, but also because it got her away from me, letting me deal with my emotions on my own. Any longer and I wouldn't have been able to control myself. I need you to be more reserved, give me a bit of space, at least until we get back home. Please.
Ignoring my plaintive request, Lin surges forwards and embraces me tightly, her arms wrapped around my neck. Don't want to. I like all the hugs and hand-holding, it's like I have my sweet, affectionate Rainy back, the one who used to read me stories and carry me home after herb picking. Backing off, she places her hands on her hips and smiles sweetly. I made my choice, I'm going to be your wife. You take as much time as you need, I'll wait, but you should talk to Mi-Mi too, let her know your thoughts.
Reminding me once more that we have more grueling days ahead, she skips off back to her tent, leaving me alone once more with my kitten, thinking things through. Fucking decisions, too many for me to make. It's easier just to go with the flow, let life carry me around where it will, but that is no longer an option for me. I can't help but wonder what other me would say, and his imagined answer makes me laugh. 'Marry them all and sort it out later', a straightforward and idiotic response that somehow manages to make sense. In a few ways, his outlook is more suited to this world. I haven't even taken command, and I'm plagued with worry over leading soldiers to their deaths. Even if I decline, would Akanai let me off the hook so easily?
What about marriage? Is it unfair of me to leave Mila on the hook like this? Am I overthinking things, worried about false feelings of affection? And Lin, she only loves me because of a childhood crush, which makes me feel like I've done something wrong, tricked her in some way. Ugh, things would be so much easier if I just let other me take over for all the hard decisions, then I can at least blame everything on him.
Time to step up and make the tough choices.
...
Well... starting with the easiest one, at least.
Wandering back into camp, I leave my kitten in my bedroll before heading towards my destination, nervously sweating in the cool night air. Pausing outside the tent, my stomach does a series of somersaults as I steel myself for what comes next. This is a game changer, there's no going back once this is done.
After going through a series of imagined conversations, I give up and cough loudly, pausing a moment to listen before stepping through the flaps, hoping she isn't here. My hopes are soon dashed, and I simply blurt out what I came to say. I was talking to someone, and uhh... I've stalled these past few days because I didn't know what to do or say, or if I even wanted to. I'm flattered, and I'm willing now so if you can... uh... yea.
Her eyebrow raised, Akanai stares at me as if I'm having a stroke. What?
Clearing my throat, I try again. I err... Thank you for the leadership opportunity, and for believing in me, but I have no idea what I'm doing. If you want to replace me, I will not object, but if not, I humbly ask for your help and guidance in leading the new Sentinels.
With a wry smile, she gestures for me to sit. I am happy to see you finally take your duties seriously. You have much to learn and we have little time. Her smile disappears as quickly as it arrived, her demeanour stern and professional as always, holding her thumb and index finger scant millimetres apart. I was this close to hanging you by your ankles and dragging you behind my quin, hoping a few loose rocks would jar some sense into your thick skull.
...
I should buy Rustram a couple of drinks when we reach the Bridge. It's the least I can do.
Chapter Meme
Chapter 106Look at you with your big ole paws and giant head. I wish you could stay tiny forever, you're too cute! Rain's cooing broke Rustram's concentration, opening his eyes to watch the young warrior rolling around in the grass with his pet cat. Unfathomable, for a warrior to act so... unreserved. If he had not seen Rain easily defeat the hulking Maota with a single hand, it would have been impossible to view him as a warrior, despite all the stories otherwise. After a week of travel and watching him make a fool of himself, it was becoming difficult to disagree with the disgruntled whispers cropping up, unflattering compliments and serious grievances directed towards their new leader.Letting out his breath slowly, Rustram stretched in his seat, wincing as his regenerating hand throbbed in agony. Around him, his companions sat in quiet meditation, the Medical Saint Taduk chatting with Ravil in hushed tones while Healer Tokta worked with another soldier, asking questions and offering advice. A daily routine now, wake, ride, heal, repeat, and even thinking the words almost made him titter with delight, only his pride keeping him from cackling.The second son of a second-rate merchant, learning to regenerate, it was almost beyond belief. Staring at his half-formed hand, he felt his 'fingers' grip and release, the sensation in his missing digits so real despite their obvious absence. His progress was faster than any others save Rain, and according to Healer Tokta, the process would be completed in a little more than a week. One more week and he would be whole again, and better yet, a Khishig, a warrior with purpose.His spirit reignited, Rustram's closed his eyes once more and reached for Balance, barely dipping into the meditative state, focusing on nothing, aware of nothing but awareness itself. A simple phrase which had opened his eyes, uttered sarcastically by Rain. With his permission, Rustram had repeated it for the others to hear, gratified to see the same enlightenment mirrored in their eyes. So much knowledge held by the Bekhai, hidden behind their ferocious bearing and warlike mannerisms, given freely to them with but a simple oath: to serve in the defense of the Saint's Tribulations Mountains, as Sentinels. Far less stringent than the oaths taken to join the army, with better benefits, although not without its hazards. Even now, they rode towards battle with the Society of Heaven and Earth, the mere thought sending shivers through his body.A gentle pat on his shoulder interrupted his concentration and he opened his eyes to see Lady Mei Lin greeting him with a warm smile. It's getting late, you should rest soon. Placing a still-warm meat bun in his palm, she sauntered off adorably, waking Bulat in the same manner. Fresh as a spring breeze, radiant and cheerful, their little squadron of cripples adored her, the sight of her walking sweetly beside Rain the source of many grumblings. His betrothal to Sumila common knowledge, Rain not the most popular of commanders, alienating himself from the soldiers with his actions, although Rustram was grateful to him. Without him, they would have been left without hope, slowly dying in the cruel streets of Shen Huo, instead of here successfully regenerating missing limbs and organs. The problem was, gratitude aside, no soldier liked to take orders from a dandy, and everyone hated a playboy, Rain doing little to improve his reputation with his actions.Eating his meat bun, he studied Rain as he spoke to his pet in a sweet, sickening voice, blatantly slacking at his duties in plain sight. It was clear what was happening here, Rain far too clever to be doing this without purpose. Scratching at his unkempt beard, he grimaced at the unpleasant task set before him, wishing it upon anyone else in his stead. Unfortunately, no one else stepped forward and when a problem needed resolving, yesterday would have been the best time, but now would suffice. Walking over to Rain and gesturing for him to follow, they moved to a secluded corner, sitting together on a log. Turning to Rain, he frowned at the sight of him cuddling the kitten with a foolish grin on his face. Put the cat down, I wish to speak with you earnestly.Rolling his eyes, the young man released the kitten, his face pinched in annoyance. So what's this about? You here to blame me for your pain as well? Like I said, I bought materials in the city but it's tough to make pills on the move. Just tough it out, you'll get used to the pain. Sort of.Ah no, the discomfort is ... tolerable. Only after Bulat pointed out Rain had not shown a single sign of discomfort while regenerating an entire arm. Pride was an incredible thing, the spirit of competition enough to keep most soldiers from further complaints, not wanting to be outdone by the 'disgraceful' Rain. I want to tell you a story about myself. Ignoring Rain's questioning expression, he launched into it without further preamble. I was younger than you are now when I first joined the army, a scared young man with minimal martial training, thrust into a leadership position against my will, in charge of soldiers both stronger and more qualified than myself.Having caught Rain's attention, he smiled at the young man, seeing so much of himself in him, a young man wanted nothing more than to laze about and chase skirts. Everyone knew I was a Lieutenant only thanks to some nonsensical, antiquated custom of buying rank, and my father's insistence that the Albaiev name not be associated with a common soldier, despite having made up the name only a few years earlier. Knowing nothing of being a leader and panic-stricken I would make a mess of things, I did everything possible to be dismissed, hoping to escape back to my life of leisure. Rain's attempt to appear casual was almost comical, his every thought displayed prominently. He would make a great fish for their card or tile games, a rich young man lacking all duplicity.So uh ... what did you try?Unwilling to answer the question, Rustram shook his head. That's irrelevant. What I am trying to say is, no matter how much I wished otherwise, I was a Lieutenant, responsible for the lives of the soldiers under my command. Instead of taking time to learn how to command, changing myself to be better suited for the role, I wasted my time avoiding my duties, and my fears came true: I fucked it all up." Pausing in thought, he remembered those days of guilt and fear, worrying the survivors would put a sword through his back and almost inviting the release. "My mistake cost several soldiers their lives, a regret I will carry to the grave.He tried to meet Rain's eyes, but the young man was always wary of meeting gazes, an oddly submissive trait for one so outspoken. Settling for a hand on the shoulder, he concluded his lecture. I offer no accusation, criticism, or blame, I only state the truth. We march towards bloody conflict with only you to lead us. Accept the position and the obligations it entails, or pass it on to someone who will. There is no time for procrastination, our lives depend on it.With one last pat, he stood and left Rain behind, letting the young man ponder things through and hoping he would come to the right decision. Although he was still lacking in many areas as a leader, he could learn, with no shortage of suitable teachers around him. It was his personality that gave Rustram hope, to follow a man who was talented and hardworking, altruistic and humble, a good change from the arrogance exuding from every officer he'd ever met.Who else would have risked so much to help a group of useless cripples for no reward? That was the type of leader Rustram hoped to fight for, was willing to die for. Rustram Albaiev of Shen Huo would never amount to great things, but perhaps in a few hundred years, his descendants would proudly boast of their ancestor who had served with Falling Rain, Hero of the Empire.More likely, they'd all die a dog's death in a few days, the Society crushing them all with barely a thought, but a man needs hope.Without hope, what was the point in living?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Updated from novelbIn.comHer confidence sends me into hysterical giggling, the movement waking up my kitten and earning me a sound of discontent, his head snuggling against my chest. She's already made up her mind we will be married and can see no deviation from that future. My laughing fit at an end, I let out a long breath, squeezing Lin in my one-armed embrace. I don't know about marriage right now Lin, nor do I really want to make a decision. I just want to go home and regain some semblance of normality so I can clear my mind and figure things out. Removing my arm from around her, I move about to face her, kneeling so we are eye to eye, a difficult thing for me to do. Her large, brown eyes are expectant and patient, waiting quietly for me to say my piece, understanding my need to vent.You may have noticed I've been more... tender with you. Her shy smile widens as she nods lightly, her cheeks blushing a little, and it makes it all the more difficult to admit this next part. Well I'm sorry to say, but that's not entirely by choice. Her smile freezes, and it takes every bit of willpower not to cup her face and bring her close to comfort, as doing so would send mixed messages. The mental attack, those illusions I'd immersed myself in, they messed with me in ways I still haven't completely puzzled out. I know it wasn't you in my dream, only an idealized, unreal caricature of you, tailor-made to keep me happy. The problem is, I see you and I remember our wedding we never had, or our trip we never took together... our children who were never born. And never will be, a tiny voice whispers inside my head, threatening to send me spiralling into despair. It's all a fantasy and it's unfair to you, because I don't really love you, or any of the others, I ... I'm just having difficulty separating fantasy and reality.My voice thick with shame, I can no longer look her in the eyes, my head hanging as I stare at my sleeping kitten. That's why I've avoided Mila and spent my time with the kittens, it's just easier. I'm not strong enough to end the betrothal, and I can't shake my false affection for all of you, so I ignore everything and focus on these cuties. Nor am I brave enough to reject Akanai's daughter, especially not while I'm still trying to make up for my mistakes. I even told Yan she should go with Du Min Gyu, not only because it was her dream to find someone willing to teach her, but also because it got her away from me, letting me deal with my emotions on my own. Any longer and I wouldn't have been able to control myself. I need you to be more reserved, give me a bit of space, at least until we get back home. Please.Ignoring my plaintive request, Lin surges forwards and embraces me tightly, her arms wrapped around my neck. Don't want to. I like all the hugs and hand-holding, it's like I have my sweet, affectionate Rainy back, the one who used to read me stories and carry me home after herb picking. Backing off, she places her hands on her hips and smiles sweetly. I made my choice, I'm going to be your wife. You take as much time as you need, I'll wait, but you should talk to Mi-Mi too, let her know your thoughts.Reminding me once more that we have more grueling days ahead, she skips off back to her tent, leaving me alone once more with my kitten, thinking things through. Fucking decisions, too many for me to make. It's easier just to go with the flow, let life carry me around where it will, but that is no longer an option for me. I can't help but wonder what other me would say, and his imagined answer makes me laugh. 'Marry them all and sort it out later', a straightforward and idiotic response that somehow manages to make sense. In a few ways, his outlook is more suited to this world. I haven't even taken command, and I'm plagued with worry over leading soldiers to their deaths. Even if I decline, would Akanai let me off the hook so easily?What about marriage? Is it unfair of me to leave Mila on the hook like this? Am I overthinking things, worried about false feelings of affection? And Lin, she only loves me because of a childhood crush, which makes me feel like I've done something wrong, tricked her in some way. Ugh, things would be so much easier if I just let other me take over for all the hard decisions, then I can at least blame everything on him.Time to step up and make the tough choices....Well... starting with the easiest one, at least.Wandering back into camp, I leave my kitten in my bedroll before heading towards my destination, nervously sweating in the cool night air. Pausing outside the tent, my stomach does a series of somersaults as I steel myself for what comes next. This is a game changer, there's no going back once this is done.After going through a series of imagined conversations, I give up and cough loudly, pausing a moment to listen before stepping through the flaps, hoping she isn't here. My hopes are soon dashed, and I simply blurt out what I came to say. I was talking to someone, and uhh... I've stalled these past few days because I didn't know what to do or say, or if I even wanted to. I'm flattered, and I'm willing now so if you can... uh... yea.Her eyebrow raised, Akanai stares at me as if I'm having a stroke. What?Clearing my throat, I try again. I err... Thank you for the leadership opportunity, and for believing in me, but I have no idea what I'm doing. If you want to replace me, I will not object, but if not, I humbly ask for your help and guidance in leading the new Sentinels.With a wry smile, she gestures for me to sit. I am happy to see you finally take your duties seriously. You have much to learn and we have little time. Her smile disappears as quickly as it arrived, her demeanour stern and professional as always, holding her thumb and index finger scant millimetres apart. I was this close to hanging you by your ankles and dragging you behind my quin, hoping a few loose rocks would jar some sense into your thick skull....I should buy Rustram a couple of drinks when we reach the Bridge. It's the least I can do.Chapter Meme
