Chapter 775
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Chapter 775
Everyone loves to shit on management and administrators for being bad at their jobs, but it aint easy being the boss.
Correction: its aint easy being a good boss. The bad ones get to slack off and play hide the salami with the secretary, but a good boss? Even I dont know what a good boss does, because I too am terrible at my job. Leadership is hard, which is why I delegate all leadership duties to good leaders whenever I can. Alas, now I must pay the price for my indolence, because the buck stops with me. Seeing how they possess the same memories, experiences, and general thought processes as I do, I went into this plan thinking my Natal Souls would be more than capable of making good decisions, or at least decisions I would agree with, but a few seconds into our grand efforts has already proven me wrong a thousand times over. Then again, I probably shouldve seen this coming, because I am nothing if not an asshole, and a contrary one at that when it comes to dealing with people in positions of authority. Doesnt matter if Im both the worker and the authority figure at the same time, and in many cases actually makes it worse, because familiarity breeds contempt. Being the reckless and irresponsible shit-stains that they are, my Natal Souls are all more than happy to act first and think later, because their limited lifespans lead them to believe theyll face no consequences to their actions. Which is entirely true, and I hate them all for having figured it out so quickly instead of focusing on something less detrimental to my future like their collective imminent demise.
Okay, thats a little too dark, even for me, wishing my veritable clones would be more concerned about their mortality and limited lifespans rather than resolving their regrets, especially considering their regrets were technically mine to begin with, or at least would be my regrets if I were in their shoes.
Cursing the poor decisions which brought me here, I struggle to come to terms with the fact that I have no one to blame but myself. That being said, its actually kinda cathartic to direct my hatred and grievances outwards for a change, even if the recipient is just another version of me. For this reason alone, I dedicate a few moments to cursing at my various existences while suffering from the consequences of my own actions. Their collective decision to do as they please and leave me holding the bag is bad enough, but my Natal Souls also have no care or consideration for the fact that I am grossly outnumbered as I sit here in my Natal Palace and cannot possibly micromanage every last one of their efforts. I mean, thats why I made them all in the first place, to help me handle all the important tasks I couldnt manage on my own. Each and every single one of them is a free-thinking, independent agent with no real restrictions at all, so really, they should be more than capable of handling the tasks I set for them without me having to hold their hands.
Well no limits aside from their inability to create emotions causing any emotions felt to consume the Heavenly Energy that theyre comprised of, which in effect leaves them with a limited lifespan. Kinda a dick move, I know, especially considering how terrified of death I am, but given how the plan is unfolding, this is clearly a sacrifice I and all my Natal Souls are willing to make.
To my surprise, theres little to no anger or hatred from my Natal Souls, or at least none stemming from the fact that I sent so many of them out to die. Instead, Im treated to a whole lot of disdain and verbal abuse hurled my way as they become cognizant of just how fucked things really are in Meng Sha. Normally, I would blame myself for everything thats gone wrong, but my Natal Souls being aware of the fact that theyre Natal Souls has led to them blaming ME instead. Technically, it's still me blaming myself, but the harsh truths and somewhat facetious rebukes hit harder when they come from other versions of myself. Its not the same as internalized castigation, because not only am I hearing these rebukes for the first time, theyre also personal enough to target my greatest weaknesses and insecurities, while remaining just impersonal enough to feel like theyre coming from someone else. Within seconds of setting out, I am inundated with a barrage of Sendings and scoldings from mostly well-meaning Natal Souls, each one contacting me because they feel theyve stumbled across something of the utmost importance that I need to hear now. Its all a matter of perspective however, because to the Natal Soul on the beach, the looming threat of Demon Gen demands more attention, but the same could be said for the Natal Soul helping a young Captain who is currently fighting for his life on the battlements against odds he cannot hope to overcome.
Its not that either one of those Natal Souls are wrong about the need for urgency and assistance, but the problem is, theyre the solution I sent out to deal with that very problem in the first place, so reporting it back to me does nothing except annoy and frustrate me.
The worst part is how disorienting their Sendings are, because my Natal Souls are not trying to talk to me in words or even images. Much like how I was able to converse with Lin-Lin at the speed of thought due to our close familiarity, my Natal Souls are just dumping their lifes experiences on me en masse, leading to an information overload I am struggling to parse through. Its like living thousands of moments all at once, except those moments are all taking place in synchronous time, which is confusing and disorienting to say the least. The biggest problem is that even though Ive enjoyed some small success in regards to Refining my mind and soul, allowing me to multi-task and process parallel thoughts to a minor degree, there are thousands upon thousands of Natal Souls out there, and only one lowly little me.
Seriously, everything would be fine if my Natal Souls just kept their discoveries to themselves, or failing that, cared enough about my mental well-being enough to pass their messages along through the PC instead. I dont entirely understand how this Keystone works, but I do know it allows me to distance myself from the action and process multiple perspectives at the same time, to say nothing of the ability to store and play back information at the literal speed of thought. As my Natal Souls, they know all this as well, because I knew it before creating them, but much like me, theyre a bunch of assholes who think theyre the centre of the fucking universe. Thus, their problems must be the most pressing problems around, because theres no way theyre just playing a small part in a large effort. No, theyre all the heroes of their own stories, which means I, the bossman and Prime Soul, must immediately drop all things and cater to their needs.
To be fair, they probably also know that Id ignore any message sent to my PC until later, because Im not great about reading and replying to things like checking email, voicemail, or really any sort of asynchronous communication. I dont like being social, so if I can ignore it, why not?
A bunch of narcissistic jerks is what my Natal Souls are, which does not paint me in a pretty light, but at least I do what I can to solve my own problems myself. Whats happening here is what would happen if I had no sense of personal responsibility, and it is a terrifying prospect to watch unfold. The Natal Soul confessing all my feelings to Li-Li is bad enough, but then I have to hear about how Ive been neglecting Mila as well, which just makes me feel that much worse because I know its true. Here I am pining over yet another woman when I cant even properly cherish and support my wife, which just makes me a terrible husband and human being all around. This is just the icing on the cake as every Natal Soul on the battlefield feels that their unique experience is vital in some way as they Send what can only be described as their last will and testament. Hearing one or two would be heart-breaking, ten to twenty devastating, but thousands of them coming in all at once is just infuriating to the extreme. I am discovering first-hand just how true the old adage really is, that one death is a tragedy, but a million deaths a mere statistic, because I am fast becoming immune to the deaths of my Natal Souls.
Which is really a shame, given how noble and heroic their sacrifice really is, though I cant say Im not relieved to know theyre actually dying instead of going rogue or worse.
A harsh but legitimate take on my actions here today, so I do my best to work through all these thoughts, feelings, and memories while triaging the various crises to find something that actually demands my attention. Its not that I dont sympathize with my Natal Souls and the various trials and tribulations theyre going through, or see value in the personal lessons theyre deriving from the experience, but the whole point of creating an army of Natal Souls was so I wouldnt have to personally oversee each and every last detail of what theyre doing. I even have a Natal Soul assigned as the General in the field, his sole purpose being to handle the bulk of the micromanagement, because I knew my Natal Souls would feel more confident on the job if they knew they had someone overseeing them. Alas, each and every one of them feels that their case is special and demands my immediate attention. Well, theyre fucking wrong. I cant give every soldier and Irregular my undivided attention. I cant afford to listen to every sob story and heroic act, while saving the dying, comforting the grieving, and consoling the scared at the same time, because I am but one man, one too weak to carry all these burdens by myself.
Thats why I made the Natal Souls do it. Because theyre gonna die anyways, which means theyll be freed from all their doubts and uncertainties.Updated from novelbIn.(c)om
The truth strikes me like a hammer to the gut and forces me to re-examine my now seemingly selfish motives. This is just my cowardly way of placing even more layers between myself and the action, because then I can rest easy while watching everything unfold from behind my PC monitor. Once again, Ive come up with a new method of insulating myself from responsibility and keeping myself from getting emotionally involved in all this, a means to protect myself from the anger, pain, loss, and despair that comes part and parcel with war.
Dont get me wrong. I love the Martial Path. I love Demonstrating the Forms and finding new ways to perform the Movements in an order I havent tried yet. I love meditating and feeling the Energy of the Heavens surge into my Core and wash away all my worries and fatigue. I love Condensing my Aura and sharing my emotions with my friends, family, and floofs, or discussing the intricacies of the Dao with anyone who will listen. I love sparring against friends and pushing my limits, diving into the sea and submerging myself beneath the waves, Cloud-Stepping high into the skies only to come crashing back down to land lightly in the water. All of which and more would be impossible without my dogged pursuit of the Martial Path, and yet still tertiary to the true purpose of cultivation.
Martial Warriors cultivate in order to build up the strength they need to defend humanity from the Defiled. A tale as old as time, and truth I hate more than anything else.
War is hell. Theres no two ways around it, because thats the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I cannot see myself ever coming to love war, not unless I become an entirely different person altogether. War is necessary, and I will be amongst the first to take up my sword if needed, but I will never love war the way Dad does, or thrive in war like Yan, or even learn to accept war as a way of life like Dastan. These are the dyed in the wool soldiers who live and breathe bloody conflict, unable to live any other way for varying reasons. For some, it is the thrill of the hunt, a heady intoxication you can find nowhere else, and others, it is the honour and prestige that comes with victory and success, while still others fight because they see it as their true calling.
Me? I fight because I must, and because I am egotistical enough to believe that if I were to stay home where it was safe and sound, my absence would be the sole reason for every death and defeat suffered on the battlefield.
Psh. As if.
I am damn good at what I do, and my efforts have made a difference, but I alone am not enough to turn the tides of war, much less win it outright on my own. I am but one man with sword in hand, so even if you take all my contributions on the various battlefields to date, my efforts would pale in comparison to what Ive done away from the battlefield. Cast iron, concrete, War Bonds, Panacea, Runic Cannons, and more, these contributions are of far more value than my personal kill count or even that of my retinue, and yet still I feel compelled to take up my sword and stride out to battle, because I believe I am just that special. Its a sickness, I know, but also a compulsion, because on the battlefield, the problems and solutions are always the same. An Enemy stands before me, and I must kill or be killed, a black and white conflict in which I do not need to think.
Right up until its all over and I return to my cot, where I stare at the darkness behind my eyes while praying that the nightmares will not haunt me this night. Theyve slowed down in recent years, largely due to support from my loving wives and adoring floofs, but less is not the same as none. Its not just the killing and dying either that gets me these days, though thats bad enough, but now theres also all the regrets and what ifs to fill my head, awake or otherwise. What if Id turned left instead of right, or what if I didnt stop to rest that one time, or what if I killed that Champion faster, then what might have changed? Could I have killed more Defiled? Saved more Imperials? Was there something I missed? A trap to set, a stratagem to play, a weapon to develop, something, anything to further stack the deck in my favour, and possibly do more than I did?
Thats the worst part of war Ive experienced thus far, but the real kicker is this: I know war can be so much worse.
Something tells me that poking my head into the palpable wrongness is probably a terrible idea, mostly because I can still sense a muted spike of panic and regret emanating from my lost General. Id be less worried about all this if I didnt have empirical evidence of Zhen Shi using my Natal Souls to help empower his people. And those were just piddly Natal Souls from JiangHu, one of a veritable million with just enough Heavenly Energy to operate, but my General is a custom creation. The whole point of his existence was to make all the hard decisions I didnt want to, and deal with all the guilt and empathy that comes with it, so I had to gas him up, so to speak, to ensure he wouldnt use himself up feeling all those emotions. This means my General was not a fragment of a fragment like the ones from JiangHu, but a big, beefy Natal Soul just chock full of as much Heavenly Energy as I could spare, and I supposed whatever constitutes a soul as well. If one of those piddly Natal Souls from JiangHu was enough to help Bai Qi Awaken to the Blessing of Sand, I shudder to think what Zhen Shi could do with my stupid General. All of which means I need to do something right quick, but I cant just make the same mistake he did and walk right into what I presume is a trap, but what other choice do I have?
Maybe I just give up here and write it off as a loss. I mean, if he does come back as an evil twin, then at least I can finally kill myself.
A cold nose and loud bark shake me from my thoughts as I find myself staring at a heckin concerned Buddy. Seeing me come to my senses, my sweet doggo gives me a huff of muted discontent followed by the tiniest of doggy kisses, as if to let me know hes none too pleased about what Ive done but still loves me all the same. Giving him a quick kiss back, I turn and find Lin-Lin still seated in my lap, but poised around my arm and resting on my shoulder in a bent posture that only she could be comfortable with, all so I can use the mouse and keyboard without her getting in the way. What happened hubby? she asks, her adorable features drawn in concerned consternation. Buddy just bolted up and got right in your face for no reason.
Feigning disorientation as I scramble for a suitable answer, I glance sidelong at my monitors and see all three screens just dotted with all manner of perspectives, each one so tiny I doubt Lin-Lin can even see whats going on. Filling her in on the important bits, I outline how I lost my Natal General and need to find him again without touching on my darker thoughts, which Im guessing is just a result of the Aura-like working pervading all of Meng Sha. The pulsating wrongness is somehow linked to it, Im sure of it now, but my first priority is recovering my Natal Soul and all the usable Heavenly Energy contained within.
Mm, Lin-Lin intones, curled up against my arm with her cheek pressed against my shoulder, just melting into me as if her bones are made of rubber. If its too dangerous to go there from the physical side, why dont you just approach from the metaphysical side, ya?
The question reaches the tip of my tongue before realization strikes, and I turn to look out the window in surprise. I meanwhy not? My Natal Palace is already in the Void, and whatever wrongness Im sensing must be nearby, seeing how my physical body is also in MengSha. If the Enemy is bringing the physical out into the metaphysical, then it stands to reason I could probably just look out into the Void and see them there, and if not, well can my Natal Palace move through the Void? Probably not, seeing how its stuck to my soul, which in turn needs to stay with my body, but theres nothing stopping me from glancing out the window.
In the blink of an eye, I bring Buddy and Lin-Lin down to the lakeside, right next to the empty Healing Fountain Keystone Ive only used once. Before progressing any further, I stop and look at Lin-Lin while trying to come up with the best way to phrase this. Would you have to step through the Void to return to your body?
Mm, probably not? Clutching my arm oh so tightly, Lin-Lins expression tells me she knows exactly what Im thinking, and theres no way Im getting rid of her that easily. I need skin to skin contact to get here in the first place, so thats probably how I get in, rather than straight through the Void itself. I dont think anyone goes that way though, not purposely, since a soul leaving a body means it dies, ya?
Makes sense. Meaning her route to get here would start at her soul, move to her body, then to my body, before arriving in my soul, assuming thats how it works. I also should be real careful about sending her away in the future, because I wouldnt want to accidentally launch her into the Void, which as I experienced first-hand is most unsettling. Which is all the more reason for you to go back where youll be safe. Though it pains me to say this next bit, I can only grit my teeth and bear it. Im about to do something that could be dangerous, but I wont be able to concentrate if I know youre here and in danger.
Meanie. Biting my arm ever so gently, she transitions over for a hug and a kiss before uttering a sigh of defeat. Fine then. Love you hubby, she says, resting her cheek on my chest and peering up into my eyes. Ill watch over you from outside, but you be careful, ya?
Love you too, and I feel safer already. I cant really respond to that last part, because careful would be giving up my Natal Soul for lost, something Lin-Lin picks up on without fail. Pinching my cheek in reproach, she waves goodbye and disappears from sight, though a quick trip back to the PC tells me shes still fast asleep on my chest. Smiling at the sight of her slack and contented expression, I glance at the rest of the battle and see that not much time has passed since I dumped everything onto a new General, though it does seem like hes doing a better job than the last guy. Weird how were all cut from the same cloth yet are so inconsistent when it comes to getting shit done, but it might not be a fair comparison. New General has more information than captured General, so maybe hes doing better because hes building on the foundation his predecessor started.
Or I dunno, maybe its all just luck. Will Falling Rain succeed at any given task? Flip a coin and find out.
A growl from my side snaps me back to reality, and I lean over to give Buddy a pat on the head. Good dog. His huff in retort sounds like an affirmation to my ears, and he leans in as I study the lake and horizon. There was a time when I had a tear in my Natal Palace, a window out into the Void due to my Shattered Core. I fixed that, but kept a window where the tear was for posteritys sake, which has since relocated it to the depths of the Sea. Mostly because a giant black hole in the sky was not what I wanted to see every time I looked out the window. I could move the window back, but Ive an inkling that doing so would not be in my best interests. Not because itd ruin the view and bring down property values, but because one really shouldnt remodel their Natal Palace as often as I do. Its only just occurred to me, as I considered moving the Void window just now, but given how I know the Natal Palace sits in the Core which is part and parcel of the soul, then it stands to reason that remodelling my Natal Palace is quite literally rearranging my soul. Even if my soul was like clay or play-dough, I would assume that cementing a fixture in place like we do with the Natal Palace comes at some sort of cost. More conservation of energy and whatnot, which in turn suggests that remodelling would also come at a cost. Im reminded of the time I tore down my Natal Palace and rebuilt it anew prior to the Legates Contest in Nan Ping, and how Shen ZhenWu noted Id diminished since our last meeting. He even specifically mentioned how my Natal Palace had notably regressed, which I now believe was his way of offering assistance and showing off his vast knowledge at the same time. When I tried to be flippant, he told me Id paid a costly price for a change of view, an offhand remark I never really considered until just now.
If there is a cost associated with remodelling the Natal Palace, why have I never felt the aftereffects of paying it? Because of Blobby? Or because I lack the ability to sense the cost Im paying, like a man without nerves cant feel pain? Something else to look into when I have time, but right now, I have a window to peer out of and a Natal Soul to go save.
Plunging into the water with Buddy at my side, I idly wonder why I didnt just teleport us to our destination, but then the darkness of the Void rises up to greet me and I understand. Id forgotten how disorienting staring out into nothingness can be. For a moment, I forget which way is where and what direction is any, but then my mind makes sense of the nothingness and everything clicks back into place. I once stepped out briefly as Baledagh, just to know what the experience was like, because Id imagined Brother throwing him out there in a pique of rage. I said it was unpleasant, but that doesnt begin to describe it, for the vast nothingness stretches out in all directions while simultaneously pressing down on you in the same way. You are nothing, small and infinitesimal, yet you have nowhere to go, for the Void has you within its grasp and is slowly crushing the life from you.
But Im not out in the Void. Im just here for a look. Stay on task and everything will be alright.
Using my connection with my lost Natal Soul to orient myself correctly, I gaze out into the abyss and the well no, I dont get the whole abyss gazes back bit, but it does sound cool and all. Theres a glow, almost, not a visible one, but it is warm and illuminating all the same, draped across me from behind regardless of where I turn and keeping me safe from the hidden dangers lurking about. There is another gleam in the distance, but this one is ugly and wrong, like a lightbulb emanating light in just a slightly different shade, though here in the Void, the lights all emanate darkness save for the glowing presence behind me. Close to the wrongness, I spy a glimpse of movement somewhere out in the Void, though I cannot for the life of me tell if it is close or far away. Its faint, just a hint of motion in the darkness, a black blur moving across a black surface that is almost invisible save for the perception of motion, and the more I look, the clearer the movements become. Without need for conscious thought, my eyes fixate on the movement and my window to the Void shimmers to bring it into focus, revealing a cloud of moving darkness where I previously only saw a tiny blip. Closer and closer my vision moves in, like shifting through multiple lenses on a high-powered telescope, until finally I can make out what is moving in the Void, and what I see there makes me wish there was bleach for my eyes to cleanse me of this horrific sight.
For there in the Void stands Zhen Shi, a giant among men, clad in his golden robes depicting all manner of horrific acts, but he is not the sight which disturbs me. Nor is it the tiny Natal Soul he holds firm in his hand, my lost little idiot caught fast in the Enemys grasp. No, what terrifies me so is the scene set around them, one I am not sure my Natal Soul can see, for there are all manner of Spectres lingering about whilst twisting and turning in unsightly patterns. There is no way to describe their movements except by the sense of sin it evokes, a reviling motion that runs counter to everything life and love could stand for. It is not where they go or how they move that disturbs me so, but the glimpses of truth I see within those actions, a grisly assortment of gruesome and ghastly acts that took place in reality only to be mirrored here in the Void.
I see Defiled killing men and women without mercy. Mothers killing their children to spare them the suffering. Husbands killing wives to do the same, before throwing themselves off the walls in hopes of a quick end. A lucky few find it, but there is no escape for most, as the Enemy tears into the panicked populace with the glee and fury of a starving wolf. Their deaths are slow and painful to the last, drawn out over hours if not days, and the sheer joy their suffering elicits from the Defiled only goes to show just how broken they really are. The details are mercifully obscure, but the general essence of what transpired is clear as day, a festival of pain and despair devoted to the half-crazed Spectres, broken fragments of disincarnate souls who crave anguish and suffering because it makes them feel whole again.
Make no mistakes, the Spectres suffer in tandem with their prey, but they gladly accept their suffering because it reminds them of their continued existence
This is the working that plagues Meng Sha so, a veritable living Rune etched into the Void itself using the movements of the Spectres themselves, one slowly spewing out the despair and suffering of the harbours former inhabitants among many other things. Plans within plans and schemes within schemes, Zhen Shi set this trap long ago, first carrying out his gruesome and torturous art only to destroy it all before bringing in new commoners to sacrifice, which was enough to trick me into believing his forces had only just begun the slaughter moments before I arrived for the first time.
And now, his trap is sprung and he has one of my Natal Souls in hand to boot. Every fibre of my being tells me I will die if I step out into the Void to face him, for I am unable to Devour all those Spectres before they tear my soul asunder. All I can do is watch and wait as he looms over my lost general, but all is not lost, for I know my enemy well.
Zhen Shi would not be Zhen Shi if he doesnt take a moment to gloat, meaning I might still find an opportunity to strike. The details of a plan escape me, but I will not despair, for if theres one thing I know, its that where there is life, there is hope.
Chapter Meme
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Chapter 775
Everyone loves to shit on management and administrators for being bad at their jobs, but it aint easy being the boss.
Correction: its aint easy being a good boss. The bad ones get to slack off and play hide the salami with the secretary, but a good boss? Even I dont know what a good boss does, because I too am terrible at my job. Leadership is hard, which is why I delegate all leadership duties to good leaders whenever I can. Alas, now I must pay the price for my indolence, because the buck stops with me. Seeing how they possess the same memories, experiences, and general thought processes as I do, I went into this plan thinking my Natal Souls would be more than capable of making good decisions, or at least decisions I would agree with, but a few seconds into our grand efforts has already proven me wrong a thousand times over. Then again, I probably shouldve seen this coming, because I am nothing if not an asshole, and a contrary one at that when it comes to dealing with people in positions of authority. Doesnt matter if Im both the worker and the authority figure at the same time, and in many cases actually makes it worse, because familiarity breeds contempt. Being the reckless and irresponsible shit-stains that they are, my Natal Souls are all more than happy to act first and think later, because their limited lifespans lead them to believe theyll face no consequences to their actions. Which is entirely true, and I hate them all for having figured it out so quickly instead of focusing on something less detrimental to my future like their collective imminent demise.
Okay, thats a little too dark, even for me, wishing my veritable clones would be more concerned about their mortality and limited lifespans rather than resolving their regrets, especially considering their regrets were technically mine to begin with, or at least would be my regrets if I were in their shoes.
Cursing the poor decisions which brought me here, I struggle to come to terms with the fact that I have no one to blame but myself. That being said, its actually kinda cathartic to direct my hatred and grievances outwards for a change, even if the recipient is just another version of me. For this reason alone, I dedicate a few moments to cursing at my various existences while suffering from the consequences of my own actions. Their collective decision to do as they please and leave me holding the bag is bad enough, but my Natal Souls also have no care or consideration for the fact that I am grossly outnumbered as I sit here in my Natal Palace and cannot possibly micromanage every last one of their efforts. I mean, thats why I made them all in the first place, to help me handle all the important tasks I couldnt manage on my own. Each and every single one of them is a free-thinking, independent agent with no real restrictions at all, so really, they should be more than capable of handling the tasks I set for them without me having to hold their hands.
Well no limits aside from their inability to create emotions causing any emotions felt to consume the Heavenly Energy that theyre comprised of, which in effect leaves them with a limited lifespan. Kinda a dick move, I know, especially considering how terrified of death I am, but given how the plan is unfolding, this is clearly a sacrifice I and all my Natal Souls are willing to make.
To my surprise, theres little to no anger or hatred from my Natal Souls, or at least none stemming from the fact that I sent so many of them out to die. Instead, Im treated to a whole lot of disdain and verbal abuse hurled my way as they become cognizant of just how fucked things really are in Meng Sha. Normally, I would blame myself for everything thats gone wrong, but my Natal Souls being aware of the fact that theyre Natal Souls has led to them blaming ME instead. Technically, it's still me blaming myself, but the harsh truths and somewhat facetious rebukes hit harder when they come from other versions of myself. Its not the same as internalized castigation, because not only am I hearing these rebukes for the first time, theyre also personal enough to target my greatest weaknesses and insecurities, while remaining just impersonal enough to feel like theyre coming from someone else. Within seconds of setting out, I am inundated with a barrage of Sendings and scoldings from mostly well-meaning Natal Souls, each one contacting me because they feel theyve stumbled across something of the utmost importance that I need to hear now. Its all a matter of perspective however, because to the Natal Soul on the beach, the looming threat of Demon Gen demands more attention, but the same could be said for the Natal Soul helping a young Captain who is currently fighting for his life on the battlements against odds he cannot hope to overcome.
Its not that either one of those Natal Souls are wrong about the need for urgency and assistance, but the problem is, theyre the solution I sent out to deal with that very problem in the first place, so reporting it back to me does nothing except annoy and frustrate me.
The worst part is how disorienting their Sendings are, because my Natal Souls are not trying to talk to me in words or even images. Much like how I was able to converse with Lin-Lin at the speed of thought due to our close familiarity, my Natal Souls are just dumping their lifes experiences on me en masse, leading to an information overload I am struggling to parse through. Its like living thousands of moments all at once, except those moments are all taking place in synchronous time, which is confusing and disorienting to say the least. The biggest problem is that even though Ive enjoyed some small success in regards to Refining my mind and soul, allowing me to multi-task and process parallel thoughts to a minor degree, there are thousands upon thousands of Natal Souls out there, and only one lowly little me.
Seriously, everything would be fine if my Natal Souls just kept their discoveries to themselves, or failing that, cared enough about my mental well-being enough to pass their messages along through the PC instead. I dont entirely understand how this Keystone works, but I do know it allows me to distance myself from the action and process multiple perspectives at the same time, to say nothing of the ability to store and play back information at the literal speed of thought. As my Natal Souls, they know all this as well, because I knew it before creating them, but much like me, theyre a bunch of assholes who think theyre the centre of the fucking universe. Thus, their problems must be the most pressing problems around, because theres no way theyre just playing a small part in a large effort. No, theyre all the heroes of their own stories, which means I, the bossman and Prime Soul, must immediately drop all things and cater to their needs.
To be fair, they probably also know that Id ignore any message sent to my PC until later, because Im not great about reading and replying to things like checking email, voicemail, or really any sort of asynchronous communication. I dont like being social, so if I can ignore it, why not?
A bunch of narcissistic jerks is what my Natal Souls are, which does not paint me in a pretty light, but at least I do what I can to solve my own problems myself. Whats happening here is what would happen if I had no sense of personal responsibility, and it is a terrifying prospect to watch unfold. The Natal Soul confessing all my feelings to Li-Li is bad enough, but then I have to hear about how Ive been neglecting Mila as well, which just makes me feel that much worse because I know its true. Here I am pining over yet another woman when I cant even properly cherish and support my wife, which just makes me a terrible husband and human being all around. This is just the icing on the cake as every Natal Soul on the battlefield feels that their unique experience is vital in some way as they Send what can only be described as their last will and testament. Hearing one or two would be heart-breaking, ten to twenty devastating, but thousands of them coming in all at once is just infuriating to the extreme. I am discovering first-hand just how true the old adage really is, that one death is a tragedy, but a million deaths a mere statistic, because I am fast becoming immune to the deaths of my Natal Souls.
Which is really a shame, given how noble and heroic their sacrifice really is, though I cant say Im not relieved to know theyre actually dying instead of going rogue or worse.
A harsh but legitimate take on my actions here today, so I do my best to work through all these thoughts, feelings, and memories while triaging the various crises to find something that actually demands my attention. Its not that I dont sympathize with my Natal Souls and the various trials and tribulations theyre going through, or see value in the personal lessons theyre deriving from the experience, but the whole point of creating an army of Natal Souls was so I wouldnt have to personally oversee each and every last detail of what theyre doing. I even have a Natal Soul assigned as the General in the field, his sole purpose being to handle the bulk of the micromanagement, because I knew my Natal Souls would feel more confident on the job if they knew they had someone overseeing them. Alas, each and every one of them feels that their case is special and demands my immediate attention. Well, theyre fucking wrong. I cant give every soldier and Irregular my undivided attention. I cant afford to listen to every sob story and heroic act, while saving the dying, comforting the grieving, and consoling the scared at the same time, because I am but one man, one too weak to carry all these burdens by myself.
Thats why I made the Natal Souls do it. Because theyre gonna die anyways, which means theyll be freed from all their doubts and uncertainties.Updated from novelbIn.(c)om
The truth strikes me like a hammer to the gut and forces me to re-examine my now seemingly selfish motives. This is just my cowardly way of placing even more layers between myself and the action, because then I can rest easy while watching everything unfold from behind my PC monitor. Once again, Ive come up with a new method of insulating myself from responsibility and keeping myself from getting emotionally involved in all this, a means to protect myself from the anger, pain, loss, and despair that comes part and parcel with war.
Dont get me wrong. I love the Martial Path. I love Demonstrating the Forms and finding new ways to perform the Movements in an order I havent tried yet. I love meditating and feeling the Energy of the Heavens surge into my Core and wash away all my worries and fatigue. I love Condensing my Aura and sharing my emotions with my friends, family, and floofs, or discussing the intricacies of the Dao with anyone who will listen. I love sparring against friends and pushing my limits, diving into the sea and submerging myself beneath the waves, Cloud-Stepping high into the skies only to come crashing back down to land lightly in the water. All of which and more would be impossible without my dogged pursuit of the Martial Path, and yet still tertiary to the true purpose of cultivation.
Martial Warriors cultivate in order to build up the strength they need to defend humanity from the Defiled. A tale as old as time, and truth I hate more than anything else.
War is hell. Theres no two ways around it, because thats the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I cannot see myself ever coming to love war, not unless I become an entirely different person altogether. War is necessary, and I will be amongst the first to take up my sword if needed, but I will never love war the way Dad does, or thrive in war like Yan, or even learn to accept war as a way of life like Dastan. These are the dyed in the wool soldiers who live and breathe bloody conflict, unable to live any other way for varying reasons. For some, it is the thrill of the hunt, a heady intoxication you can find nowhere else, and others, it is the honour and prestige that comes with victory and success, while still others fight because they see it as their true calling.
Me? I fight because I must, and because I am egotistical enough to believe that if I were to stay home where it was safe and sound, my absence would be the sole reason for every death and defeat suffered on the battlefield.
Psh. As if.
I am damn good at what I do, and my efforts have made a difference, but I alone am not enough to turn the tides of war, much less win it outright on my own. I am but one man with sword in hand, so even if you take all my contributions on the various battlefields to date, my efforts would pale in comparison to what Ive done away from the battlefield. Cast iron, concrete, War Bonds, Panacea, Runic Cannons, and more, these contributions are of far more value than my personal kill count or even that of my retinue, and yet still I feel compelled to take up my sword and stride out to battle, because I believe I am just that special. Its a sickness, I know, but also a compulsion, because on the battlefield, the problems and solutions are always the same. An Enemy stands before me, and I must kill or be killed, a black and white conflict in which I do not need to think.
Right up until its all over and I return to my cot, where I stare at the darkness behind my eyes while praying that the nightmares will not haunt me this night. Theyve slowed down in recent years, largely due to support from my loving wives and adoring floofs, but less is not the same as none. Its not just the killing and dying either that gets me these days, though thats bad enough, but now theres also all the regrets and what ifs to fill my head, awake or otherwise. What if Id turned left instead of right, or what if I didnt stop to rest that one time, or what if I killed that Champion faster, then what might have changed? Could I have killed more Defiled? Saved more Imperials? Was there something I missed? A trap to set, a stratagem to play, a weapon to develop, something, anything to further stack the deck in my favour, and possibly do more than I did?
Thats the worst part of war Ive experienced thus far, but the real kicker is this: I know war can be so much worse.
Something tells me that poking my head into the palpable wrongness is probably a terrible idea, mostly because I can still sense a muted spike of panic and regret emanating from my lost General. Id be less worried about all this if I didnt have empirical evidence of Zhen Shi using my Natal Souls to help empower his people. And those were just piddly Natal Souls from JiangHu, one of a veritable million with just enough Heavenly Energy to operate, but my General is a custom creation. The whole point of his existence was to make all the hard decisions I didnt want to, and deal with all the guilt and empathy that comes with it, so I had to gas him up, so to speak, to ensure he wouldnt use himself up feeling all those emotions. This means my General was not a fragment of a fragment like the ones from JiangHu, but a big, beefy Natal Soul just chock full of as much Heavenly Energy as I could spare, and I supposed whatever constitutes a soul as well. If one of those piddly Natal Souls from JiangHu was enough to help Bai Qi Awaken to the Blessing of Sand, I shudder to think what Zhen Shi could do with my stupid General. All of which means I need to do something right quick, but I cant just make the same mistake he did and walk right into what I presume is a trap, but what other choice do I have?
Maybe I just give up here and write it off as a loss. I mean, if he does come back as an evil twin, then at least I can finally kill myself.
A cold nose and loud bark shake me from my thoughts as I find myself staring at a heckin concerned Buddy. Seeing me come to my senses, my sweet doggo gives me a huff of muted discontent followed by the tiniest of doggy kisses, as if to let me know hes none too pleased about what Ive done but still loves me all the same. Giving him a quick kiss back, I turn and find Lin-Lin still seated in my lap, but poised around my arm and resting on my shoulder in a bent posture that only she could be comfortable with, all so I can use the mouse and keyboard without her getting in the way. What happened hubby? she asks, her adorable features drawn in concerned consternation. Buddy just bolted up and got right in your face for no reason.
Feigning disorientation as I scramble for a suitable answer, I glance sidelong at my monitors and see all three screens just dotted with all manner of perspectives, each one so tiny I doubt Lin-Lin can even see whats going on. Filling her in on the important bits, I outline how I lost my Natal General and need to find him again without touching on my darker thoughts, which Im guessing is just a result of the Aura-like working pervading all of Meng Sha. The pulsating wrongness is somehow linked to it, Im sure of it now, but my first priority is recovering my Natal Soul and all the usable Heavenly Energy contained within.
Mm, Lin-Lin intones, curled up against my arm with her cheek pressed against my shoulder, just melting into me as if her bones are made of rubber. If its too dangerous to go there from the physical side, why dont you just approach from the metaphysical side, ya?
The question reaches the tip of my tongue before realization strikes, and I turn to look out the window in surprise. I meanwhy not? My Natal Palace is already in the Void, and whatever wrongness Im sensing must be nearby, seeing how my physical body is also in MengSha. If the Enemy is bringing the physical out into the metaphysical, then it stands to reason I could probably just look out into the Void and see them there, and if not, well can my Natal Palace move through the Void? Probably not, seeing how its stuck to my soul, which in turn needs to stay with my body, but theres nothing stopping me from glancing out the window.
In the blink of an eye, I bring Buddy and Lin-Lin down to the lakeside, right next to the empty Healing Fountain Keystone Ive only used once. Before progressing any further, I stop and look at Lin-Lin while trying to come up with the best way to phrase this. Would you have to step through the Void to return to your body?
Mm, probably not? Clutching my arm oh so tightly, Lin-Lins expression tells me she knows exactly what Im thinking, and theres no way Im getting rid of her that easily. I need skin to skin contact to get here in the first place, so thats probably how I get in, rather than straight through the Void itself. I dont think anyone goes that way though, not purposely, since a soul leaving a body means it dies, ya?
Makes sense. Meaning her route to get here would start at her soul, move to her body, then to my body, before arriving in my soul, assuming thats how it works. I also should be real careful about sending her away in the future, because I wouldnt want to accidentally launch her into the Void, which as I experienced first-hand is most unsettling. Which is all the more reason for you to go back where youll be safe. Though it pains me to say this next bit, I can only grit my teeth and bear it. Im about to do something that could be dangerous, but I wont be able to concentrate if I know youre here and in danger.
Meanie. Biting my arm ever so gently, she transitions over for a hug and a kiss before uttering a sigh of defeat. Fine then. Love you hubby, she says, resting her cheek on my chest and peering up into my eyes. Ill watch over you from outside, but you be careful, ya?
Love you too, and I feel safer already. I cant really respond to that last part, because careful would be giving up my Natal Soul for lost, something Lin-Lin picks up on without fail. Pinching my cheek in reproach, she waves goodbye and disappears from sight, though a quick trip back to the PC tells me shes still fast asleep on my chest. Smiling at the sight of her slack and contented expression, I glance at the rest of the battle and see that not much time has passed since I dumped everything onto a new General, though it does seem like hes doing a better job than the last guy. Weird how were all cut from the same cloth yet are so inconsistent when it comes to getting shit done, but it might not be a fair comparison. New General has more information than captured General, so maybe hes doing better because hes building on the foundation his predecessor started.
Or I dunno, maybe its all just luck. Will Falling Rain succeed at any given task? Flip a coin and find out.
A growl from my side snaps me back to reality, and I lean over to give Buddy a pat on the head. Good dog. His huff in retort sounds like an affirmation to my ears, and he leans in as I study the lake and horizon. There was a time when I had a tear in my Natal Palace, a window out into the Void due to my Shattered Core. I fixed that, but kept a window where the tear was for posteritys sake, which has since relocated it to the depths of the Sea. Mostly because a giant black hole in the sky was not what I wanted to see every time I looked out the window. I could move the window back, but Ive an inkling that doing so would not be in my best interests. Not because itd ruin the view and bring down property values, but because one really shouldnt remodel their Natal Palace as often as I do. Its only just occurred to me, as I considered moving the Void window just now, but given how I know the Natal Palace sits in the Core which is part and parcel of the soul, then it stands to reason that remodelling my Natal Palace is quite literally rearranging my soul. Even if my soul was like clay or play-dough, I would assume that cementing a fixture in place like we do with the Natal Palace comes at some sort of cost. More conservation of energy and whatnot, which in turn suggests that remodelling would also come at a cost. Im reminded of the time I tore down my Natal Palace and rebuilt it anew prior to the Legates Contest in Nan Ping, and how Shen ZhenWu noted Id diminished since our last meeting. He even specifically mentioned how my Natal Palace had notably regressed, which I now believe was his way of offering assistance and showing off his vast knowledge at the same time. When I tried to be flippant, he told me Id paid a costly price for a change of view, an offhand remark I never really considered until just now.
If there is a cost associated with remodelling the Natal Palace, why have I never felt the aftereffects of paying it? Because of Blobby? Or because I lack the ability to sense the cost Im paying, like a man without nerves cant feel pain? Something else to look into when I have time, but right now, I have a window to peer out of and a Natal Soul to go save.
Plunging into the water with Buddy at my side, I idly wonder why I didnt just teleport us to our destination, but then the darkness of the Void rises up to greet me and I understand. Id forgotten how disorienting staring out into nothingness can be. For a moment, I forget which way is where and what direction is any, but then my mind makes sense of the nothingness and everything clicks back into place. I once stepped out briefly as Baledagh, just to know what the experience was like, because Id imagined Brother throwing him out there in a pique of rage. I said it was unpleasant, but that doesnt begin to describe it, for the vast nothingness stretches out in all directions while simultaneously pressing down on you in the same way. You are nothing, small and infinitesimal, yet you have nowhere to go, for the Void has you within its grasp and is slowly crushing the life from you.
But Im not out in the Void. Im just here for a look. Stay on task and everything will be alright.
Using my connection with my lost Natal Soul to orient myself correctly, I gaze out into the abyss and the well no, I dont get the whole abyss gazes back bit, but it does sound cool and all. Theres a glow, almost, not a visible one, but it is warm and illuminating all the same, draped across me from behind regardless of where I turn and keeping me safe from the hidden dangers lurking about. There is another gleam in the distance, but this one is ugly and wrong, like a lightbulb emanating light in just a slightly different shade, though here in the Void, the lights all emanate darkness save for the glowing presence behind me. Close to the wrongness, I spy a glimpse of movement somewhere out in the Void, though I cannot for the life of me tell if it is close or far away. Its faint, just a hint of motion in the darkness, a black blur moving across a black surface that is almost invisible save for the perception of motion, and the more I look, the clearer the movements become. Without need for conscious thought, my eyes fixate on the movement and my window to the Void shimmers to bring it into focus, revealing a cloud of moving darkness where I previously only saw a tiny blip. Closer and closer my vision moves in, like shifting through multiple lenses on a high-powered telescope, until finally I can make out what is moving in the Void, and what I see there makes me wish there was bleach for my eyes to cleanse me of this horrific sight.
For there in the Void stands Zhen Shi, a giant among men, clad in his golden robes depicting all manner of horrific acts, but he is not the sight which disturbs me. Nor is it the tiny Natal Soul he holds firm in his hand, my lost little idiot caught fast in the Enemys grasp. No, what terrifies me so is the scene set around them, one I am not sure my Natal Soul can see, for there are all manner of Spectres lingering about whilst twisting and turning in unsightly patterns. There is no way to describe their movements except by the sense of sin it evokes, a reviling motion that runs counter to everything life and love could stand for. It is not where they go or how they move that disturbs me so, but the glimpses of truth I see within those actions, a grisly assortment of gruesome and ghastly acts that took place in reality only to be mirrored here in the Void.
I see Defiled killing men and women without mercy. Mothers killing their children to spare them the suffering. Husbands killing wives to do the same, before throwing themselves off the walls in hopes of a quick end. A lucky few find it, but there is no escape for most, as the Enemy tears into the panicked populace with the glee and fury of a starving wolf. Their deaths are slow and painful to the last, drawn out over hours if not days, and the sheer joy their suffering elicits from the Defiled only goes to show just how broken they really are. The details are mercifully obscure, but the general essence of what transpired is clear as day, a festival of pain and despair devoted to the half-crazed Spectres, broken fragments of disincarnate souls who crave anguish and suffering because it makes them feel whole again.
Make no mistakes, the Spectres suffer in tandem with their prey, but they gladly accept their suffering because it reminds them of their continued existence
This is the working that plagues Meng Sha so, a veritable living Rune etched into the Void itself using the movements of the Spectres themselves, one slowly spewing out the despair and suffering of the harbours former inhabitants among many other things. Plans within plans and schemes within schemes, Zhen Shi set this trap long ago, first carrying out his gruesome and torturous art only to destroy it all before bringing in new commoners to sacrifice, which was enough to trick me into believing his forces had only just begun the slaughter moments before I arrived for the first time.
And now, his trap is sprung and he has one of my Natal Souls in hand to boot. Every fibre of my being tells me I will die if I step out into the Void to face him, for I am unable to Devour all those Spectres before they tear my soul asunder. All I can do is watch and wait as he looms over my lost general, but all is not lost, for I know my enemy well.
Zhen Shi would not be Zhen Shi if he doesnt take a moment to gloat, meaning I might still find an opportunity to strike. The details of a plan escape me, but I will not despair, for if theres one thing I know, its that where there is life, there is hope.
Chapter Meme
Chapter 775Everyone loves to shit on management and administrators for being bad at their jobs, but it aint easy being the boss.Correction: its aint easy being a good boss. The bad ones get to slack off and play hide the salami with the secretary, but a good boss? Even I dont know what a good boss does, because I too am terrible at my job. Leadership is hard, which is why I delegate all leadership duties to good leaders whenever I can. Alas, now I must pay the price for my indolence, because the buck stops with me. Seeing how they possess the same memories, experiences, and general thought processes as I do, I went into this plan thinking my Natal Souls would be more than capable of making good decisions, or at least decisions I would agree with, but a few seconds into our grand efforts has already proven me wrong a thousand times over. Then again, I probably shouldve seen this coming, because I am nothing if not an asshole, and a contrary one at that when it comes to dealing with people in positions of authority. Doesnt matter if Im both the worker and the authority figure at the same time, and in many cases actually makes it worse, because familiarity breeds contempt. Being the reckless and irresponsible shit-stains that they are, my Natal Souls are all more than happy to act first and think later, because their limited lifespans lead them to believe theyll face no consequences to their actions. Which is entirely true, and I hate them all for having figured it out so quickly instead of focusing on something less detrimental to my future like their collective imminent demise.Okay, thats a little too dark, even for me, wishing my veritable clones would be more concerned about their mortality and limited lifespans rather than resolving their regrets, especially considering their regrets were technically mine to begin with, or at least would be my regrets if I were in their shoes.Cursing the poor decisions which brought me here, I struggle to come to terms with the fact that I have no one to blame but myself. That being said, its actually kinda cathartic to direct my hatred and grievances outwards for a change, even if the recipient is just another version of me. For this reason alone, I dedicate a few moments to cursing at my various existences while suffering from the consequences of my own actions. Their collective decision to do as they please and leave me holding the bag is bad enough, but my Natal Souls also have no care or consideration for the fact that I am grossly outnumbered as I sit here in my Natal Palace and cannot possibly micromanage every last one of their efforts. I mean, thats why I made them all in the first place, to help me handle all the important tasks I couldnt manage on my own. Each and every single one of them is a free-thinking, independent agent with no real restrictions at all, so really, they should be more than capable of handling the tasks I set for them without me having to hold their hands.Well no limits aside from their inability to create emotions causing any emotions felt to consume the Heavenly Energy that theyre comprised of, which in effect leaves them with a limited lifespan. Kinda a dick move, I know, especially considering how terrified of death I am, but given how the plan is unfolding, this is clearly a sacrifice I and all my Natal Souls are willing to make.To my surprise, theres little to no anger or hatred from my Natal Souls, or at least none stemming from the fact that I sent so many of them out to die. Instead, Im treated to a whole lot of disdain and verbal abuse hurled my way as they become cognizant of just how fucked things really are in Meng Sha. Normally, I would blame myself for everything thats gone wrong, but my Natal Souls being aware of the fact that theyre Natal Souls has led to them blaming ME instead. Technically, it's still me blaming myself, but the harsh truths and somewhat facetious rebukes hit harder when they come from other versions of myself. Its not the same as internalized castigation, because not only am I hearing these rebukes for the first time, theyre also personal enough to target my greatest weaknesses and insecurities, while remaining just impersonal enough to feel like theyre coming from someone else. Within seconds of setting out, I am inundated with a barrage of Sendings and scoldings from mostly well-meaning Natal Souls, each one contacting me because they feel theyve stumbled across something of the utmost importance that I need to hear now. Its all a matter of perspective however, because to the Natal Soul on the beach, the looming threat of Demon Gen demands more attention, but the same could be said for the Natal Soul helping a young Captain who is currently fighting for his life on the battlements against odds he cannot hope to overcome.Its not that either one of those Natal Souls are wrong about the need for urgency and assistance, but the problem is, theyre the solution I sent out to deal with that very problem in the first place, so reporting it back to me does nothing except annoy and frustrate me.The worst part is how disorienting their Sendings are, because my Natal Souls are not trying to talk to me in words or even images. Much like how I was able to converse with Lin-Lin at the speed of thought due to our close familiarity, my Natal Souls are just dumping their lifes experiences on me en masse, leading to an information overload I am struggling to parse through. Its like living thousands of moments all at once, except those moments are all taking place in synchronous time, which is confusing and disorienting to say the least. The biggest problem is that even though Ive enjoyed some small success in regards to Refining my mind and soul, allowing me to multi-task and process parallel thoughts to a minor degree, there are thousands upon thousands of Natal Souls out there, and only one lowly little me.Seriously, everything would be fine if my Natal Souls just kept their discoveries to themselves, or failing that, cared enough about my mental well-being enough to pass their messages along through the PC instead. I dont entirely understand how this Keystone works, but I do know it allows me to distance myself from the action and process multiple perspectives at the same time, to say nothing of the ability to store and play back information at the literal speed of thought. As my Natal Souls, they know all this as well, because I knew it before creating them, but much like me, theyre a bunch of assholes who think theyre the centre of the fucking universe. Thus, their problems must be the most pressing problems around, because theres no way theyre just playing a small part in a large effort. No, theyre all the heroes of their own stories, which means I, the bossman and Prime Soul, must immediately drop all things and cater to their needs.To be fair, they probably also know that Id ignore any message sent to my PC until later, because Im not great about reading and replying to things like checking email, voicemail, or really any sort of asynchronous communication. I dont like being social, so if I can ignore it, why not?A bunch of narcissistic jerks is what my Natal Souls are, which does not paint me in a pretty light, but at least I do what I can to solve my own problems myself. Whats happening here is what would happen if I had no sense of personal responsibility, and it is a terrifying prospect to watch unfold. The Natal Soul confessing all my feelings to Li-Li is bad enough, but then I have to hear about how Ive been neglecting Mila as well, which just makes me feel that much worse because I know its true. Here I am pining over yet another woman when I cant even properly cherish and support my wife, which just makes me a terrible husband and human being all around. This is just the icing on the cake as every Natal Soul on the battlefield feels that their unique experience is vital in some way as they Send what can only be described as their last will and testament. Hearing one or two would be heart-breaking, ten to twenty devastating, but thousands of them coming in all at once is just infuriating to the extreme. I am discovering first-hand just how true the old adage really is, that one death is a tragedy, but a million deaths a mere statistic, because I am fast becoming immune to the deaths of my Natal Souls.Which is really a shame, given how noble and heroic their sacrifice really is, though I cant say Im not relieved to know theyre actually dying instead of going rogue or worse.A harsh but legitimate take on my actions here today, so I do my best to work through all these thoughts, feelings, and memories while triaging the various crises to find something that actually demands my attention. Its not that I dont sympathize with my Natal Souls and the various trials and tribulations theyre going through, or see value in the personal lessons theyre deriving from the experience, but the whole point of creating an army of Natal Souls was so I wouldnt have to personally oversee each and every last detail of what theyre doing. I even have a Natal Soul assigned as the General in the field, his sole purpose being to handle the bulk of the micromanagement, because I knew my Natal Souls would feel more confident on the job if they knew they had someone overseeing them. Alas, each and every one of them feels that their case is special and demands my immediate attention. Well, theyre fucking wrong. I cant give every soldier and Irregular my undivided attention. I cant afford to listen to every sob story and heroic act, while saving the dying, comforting the grieving, and consoling the scared at the same time, because I am but one man, one too weak to carry all these burdens by myself.Thats why I made the Natal Souls do it. Because theyre gonna die anyways, which means theyll be freed from all their doubts and uncertainties.Updated from novelbIn.comThe truth strikes me like a hammer to the gut and forces me to re-examine my now seemingly selfish motives. This is just my cowardly way of placing even more layers between myself and the action, because then I can rest easy while watching everything unfold from behind my PC monitor. Once again, Ive come up with a new method of insulating myself from responsibility and keeping myself from getting emotionally involved in all this, a means to protect myself from the anger, pain, loss, and despair that comes part and parcel with war.Dont get me wrong. I love the Martial Path. I love Demonstrating the Forms and finding new ways to perform the Movements in an order I havent tried yet. I love meditating and feeling the Energy of the Heavens surge into my Core and wash away all my worries and fatigue. I love Condensing my Aura and sharing my emotions with my friends, family, and floofs, or discussing the intricacies of the Dao with anyone who will listen. I love sparring against friends and pushing my limits, diving into the sea and submerging myself beneath the waves, Cloud-Stepping high into the skies only to come crashing back down to land lightly in the water. All of which and more would be impossible without my dogged pursuit of the Martial Path, and yet still tertiary to the true purpose of cultivation.Martial Warriors cultivate in order to build up the strength they need to defend humanity from the Defiled. A tale as old as time, and truth I hate more than anything else.War is hell. Theres no two ways around it, because thats the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I cannot see myself ever coming to love war, not unless I become an entirely different person altogether. War is necessary, and I will be amongst the first to take up my sword if needed, but I will never love war the way Dad does, or thrive in war like Yan, or even learn to accept war as a way of life like Dastan. These are the dyed in the wool soldiers who live and breathe bloody conflict, unable to live any other way for varying reasons. For some, it is the thrill of the hunt, a heady intoxication you can find nowhere else, and others, it is the honour and prestige that comes with victory and success, while still others fight because they see it as their true calling.Me? I fight because I must, and because I am egotistical enough to believe that if I were to stay home where it was safe and sound, my absence would be the sole reason for every death and defeat suffered on the battlefield.Psh. As if.I am damn good at what I do, and my efforts have made a difference, but I alone am not enough to turn the tides of war, much less win it outright on my own. I am but one man with sword in hand, so even if you take all my contributions on the various battlefields to date, my efforts would pale in comparison to what Ive done away from the battlefield. Cast iron, concrete, War Bonds, Panacea, Runic Cannons, and more, these contributions are of far more value than my personal kill count or even that of my retinue, and yet still I feel compelled to take up my sword and stride out to battle, because I believe I am just that special. Its a sickness, I know, but also a compulsion, because on the battlefield, the problems and solutions are always the same. An Enemy stands before me, and I must kill or be killed, a black and white conflict in which I do not need to think.Right up until its all over and I return to my cot, where I stare at the darkness behind my eyes while praying that the nightmares will not haunt me this night. Theyve slowed down in recent years, largely due to support from my loving wives and adoring floofs, but less is not the same as none. Its not just the killing and dying either that gets me these days, though thats bad enough, but now theres also all the regrets and what ifs to fill my head, awake or otherwise. What if Id turned left instead of right, or what if I didnt stop to rest that one time, or what if I killed that Champion faster, then what might have changed? Could I have killed more Defiled? Saved more Imperials? Was there something I missed? A trap to set, a stratagem to play, a weapon to develop, something, anything to further stack the deck in my favour, and possibly do more than I did?Thats the worst part of war Ive experienced thus far, but the real kicker is this: I know war can be so much worse.Something tells me that poking my head into the palpable wrongness is probably a terrible idea, mostly because I can still sense a muted spike of panic and regret emanating from my lost General. Id be less worried about all this if I didnt have empirical evidence of Zhen Shi using my Natal Souls to help empower his people. And those were just piddly Natal Souls from JiangHu, one of a veritable million with just enough Heavenly Energy to operate, but my General is a custom creation. The whole point of his existence was to make all the hard decisions I didnt want to, and deal with all the guilt and empathy that comes with it, so I had to gas him up, so to speak, to ensure he wouldnt use himself up feeling all those emotions. This means my General was not a fragment of a fragment like the ones from JiangHu, but a big, beefy Natal Soul just chock full of as much Heavenly Energy as I could spare, and I supposed whatever constitutes a soul as well. If one of those piddly Natal Souls from JiangHu was enough to help Bai Qi Awaken to the Blessing of Sand, I shudder to think what Zhen Shi could do with my stupid General. All of which means I need to do something right quick, but I cant just make the same mistake he did and walk right into what I presume is a trap, but what other choice do I have?Maybe I just give up here and write it off as a loss. I mean, if he does come back as an evil twin, then at least I can finally kill myself.A cold nose and loud bark shake me from my thoughts as I find myself staring at a heckin concerned Buddy. Seeing me come to my senses, my sweet doggo gives me a huff of muted discontent followed by the tiniest of doggy kisses, as if to let me know hes none too pleased about what Ive done but still loves me all the same. Giving him a quick kiss back, I turn and find Lin-Lin still seated in my lap, but poised around my arm and resting on my shoulder in a bent posture that only she could be comfortable with, all so I can use the mouse and keyboard without her getting in the way. What happened hubby? she asks, her adorable features drawn in concerned consternation. Buddy just bolted up and got right in your face for no reason.Feigning disorientation as I scramble for a suitable answer, I glance sidelong at my monitors and see all three screens just dotted with all manner of perspectives, each one so tiny I doubt Lin-Lin can even see whats going on. Filling her in on the important bits, I outline how I lost my Natal General and need to find him again without touching on my darker thoughts, which Im guessing is just a result of the Aura-like working pervading all of Meng Sha. The pulsating wrongness is somehow linked to it, Im sure of it now, but my first priority is recovering my Natal Soul and all the usable Heavenly Energy contained within.Mm, Lin-Lin intones, curled up against my arm with her cheek pressed against my shoulder, just melting into me as if her bones are made of rubber. If its too dangerous to go there from the physical side, why dont you just approach from the metaphysical side, ya?The question reaches the tip of my tongue before realization strikes, and I turn to look out the window in surprise. I meanwhy not? My Natal Palace is already in the Void, and whatever wrongness Im sensing must be nearby, seeing how my physical body is also in MengSha. If the Enemy is bringing the physical out into the metaphysical, then it stands to reason I could probably just look out into the Void and see them there, and if not, well can my Natal Palace move through the Void? Probably not, seeing how its stuck to my soul, which in turn needs to stay with my body, but theres nothing stopping me from glancing out the window.In the blink of an eye, I bring Buddy and Lin-Lin down to the lakeside, right next to the empty Healing Fountain Keystone Ive only used once. Before progressing any further, I stop and look at Lin-Lin while trying to come up with the best way to phrase this. Would you have to step through the Void to return to your body?Mm, probably not? Clutching my arm oh so tightly, Lin-Lins expression tells me she knows exactly what Im thinking, and theres no way Im getting rid of her that easily. I need skin to skin contact to get here in the first place, so thats probably how I get in, rather than straight through the Void itself. I dont think anyone goes that way though, not purposely, since a soul leaving a body means it dies, ya?Makes sense. Meaning her route to get here would start at her soul, move to her body, then to my body, before arriving in my soul, assuming thats how it works. I also should be real careful about sending her away in the future, because I wouldnt want to accidentally launch her into the Void, which as I experienced first-hand is most unsettling. Which is all the more reason for you to go back where youll be safe. Though it pains me to say this next bit, I can only grit my teeth and bear it. Im about to do something that could be dangerous, but I wont be able to concentrate if I know youre here and in danger.Meanie. Biting my arm ever so gently, she transitions over for a hug and a kiss before uttering a sigh of defeat. Fine then. Love you hubby, she says, resting her cheek on my chest and peering up into my eyes. Ill watch over you from outside, but you be careful, ya?Love you too, and I feel safer already. I cant really respond to that last part, because careful would be giving up my Natal Soul for lost, something Lin-Lin picks up on without fail. Pinching my cheek in reproach, she waves goodbye and disappears from sight, though a quick trip back to the PC tells me shes still fast asleep on my chest. Smiling at the sight of her slack and contented expression, I glance at the rest of the battle and see that not much time has passed since I dumped everything onto a new General, though it does seem like hes doing a better job than the last guy. Weird how were all cut from the same cloth yet are so inconsistent when it comes to getting shit done, but it might not be a fair comparison. New General has more information than captured General, so maybe hes doing better because hes building on the foundation his predecessor started.Or I dunno, maybe its all just luck. Will Falling Rain succeed at any given task? Flip a coin and find out.A growl from my side snaps me back to reality, and I lean over to give Buddy a pat on the head. Good dog. His huff in retort sounds like an affirmation to my ears, and he leans in as I study the lake and horizon. There was a time when I had a tear in my Natal Palace, a window out into the Void due to my Shattered Core. I fixed that, but kept a window where the tear was for posteritys sake, which has since relocated it to the depths of the Sea. Mostly because a giant black hole in the sky was not what I wanted to see every time I looked out the window. I could move the window back, but Ive an inkling that doing so would not be in my best interests. Not because itd ruin the view and bring down property values, but because one really shouldnt remodel their Natal Palace as often as I do. Its only just occurred to me, as I considered moving the Void window just now, but given how I know the Natal Palace sits in the Core which is part and parcel of the soul, then it stands to reason that remodelling my Natal Palace is quite literally rearranging my soul. Even if my soul was like clay or play-dough, I would assume that cementing a fixture in place like we do with the Natal Palace comes at some sort of cost. More conservation of energy and whatnot, which in turn suggests that remodelling would also come at a cost. Im reminded of the time I tore down my Natal Palace and rebuilt it anew prior to the Legates Contest in Nan Ping, and how Shen ZhenWu noted Id diminished since our last meeting. He even specifically mentioned how my Natal Palace had notably regressed, which I now believe was his way of offering assistance and showing off his vast knowledge at the same time. When I tried to be flippant, he told me Id paid a costly price for a change of view, an offhand remark I never really considered until just now.If there is a cost associated with remodelling the Natal Palace, why have I never felt the aftereffects of paying it? Because of Blobby? Or because I lack the ability to sense the cost Im paying, like a man without nerves cant feel pain? Something else to look into when I have time, but right now, I have a window to peer out of and a Natal Soul to go save.Plunging into the water with Buddy at my side, I idly wonder why I didnt just teleport us to our destination, but then the darkness of the Void rises up to greet me and I understand. Id forgotten how disorienting staring out into nothingness can be. For a moment, I forget which way is where and what direction is any, but then my mind makes sense of the nothingness and everything clicks back into place. I once stepped out briefly as Baledagh, just to know what the experience was like, because Id imagined Brother throwing him out there in a pique of rage. I said it was unpleasant, but that doesnt begin to describe it, for the vast nothingness stretches out in all directions while simultaneously pressing down on you in the same way. You are nothing, small and infinitesimal, yet you have nowhere to go, for the Void has you within its grasp and is slowly crushing the life from you.But Im not out in the Void. Im just here for a look. Stay on task and everything will be alright.Using my connection with my lost Natal Soul to orient myself correctly, I gaze out into the abyss and the well no, I dont get the whole abyss gazes back bit, but it does sound cool and all. Theres a glow, almost, not a visible one, but it is warm and illuminating all the same, draped across me from behind regardless of where I turn and keeping me safe from the hidden dangers lurking about. There is another gleam in the distance, but this one is ugly and wrong, like a lightbulb emanating light in just a slightly different shade, though here in the Void, the lights all emanate darkness save for the glowing presence behind me. Close to the wrongness, I spy a glimpse of movement somewhere out in the Void, though I cannot for the life of me tell if it is close or far away. Its faint, just a hint of motion in the darkness, a black blur moving across a black surface that is almost invisible save for the perception of motion, and the more I look, the clearer the movements become. Without need for conscious thought, my eyes fixate on the movement and my window to the Void shimmers to bring it into focus, revealing a cloud of moving darkness where I previously only saw a tiny blip. Closer and closer my vision moves in, like shifting through multiple lenses on a high-powered telescope, until finally I can make out what is moving in the Void, and what I see there makes me wish there was bleach for my eyes to cleanse me of this horrific sight.For there in the Void stands Zhen Shi, a giant among men, clad in his golden robes depicting all manner of horrific acts, but he is not the sight which disturbs me. Nor is it the tiny Natal Soul he holds firm in his hand, my lost little idiot caught fast in the Enemys grasp. No, what terrifies me so is the scene set around them, one I am not sure my Natal Soul can see, for there are all manner of Spectres lingering about whilst twisting and turning in unsightly patterns. There is no way to describe their movements except by the sense of sin it evokes, a reviling motion that runs counter to everything life and love could stand for. It is not where they go or how they move that disturbs me so, but the glimpses of truth I see within those actions, a grisly assortment of gruesome and ghastly acts that took place in reality only to be mirrored here in the Void.I see Defiled killing men and women without mercy. Mothers killing their children to spare them the suffering. Husbands killing wives to do the same, before throwing themselves off the walls in hopes of a quick end. A lucky few find it, but there is no escape for most, as the Enemy tears into the panicked populace with the glee and fury of a starving wolf. Their deaths are slow and painful to the last, drawn out over hours if not days, and the sheer joy their suffering elicits from the Defiled only goes to show just how broken they really are. The details are mercifully obscure, but the general essence of what transpired is clear as day, a festival of pain and despair devoted to the half-crazed Spectres, broken fragments of disincarnate souls who crave anguish and suffering because it makes them feel whole again.Make no mistakes, the Spectres suffer in tandem with their prey, but they gladly accept their suffering because it reminds them of their continued existenceThis is the working that plagues Meng Sha so, a veritable living Rune etched into the Void itself using the movements of the Spectres themselves, one slowly spewing out the despair and suffering of the harbours former inhabitants among many other things. Plans within plans and schemes within schemes, Zhen Shi set this trap long ago, first carrying out his gruesome and torturous art only to destroy it all before bringing in new commoners to sacrifice, which was enough to trick me into believing his forces had only just begun the slaughter moments before I arrived for the first time.And now, his trap is sprung and he has one of my Natal Souls in hand to boot. Every fibre of my being tells me I will die if I step out into the Void to face him, for I am unable to Devour all those Spectres before they tear my soul asunder. All I can do is watch and wait as he looms over my lost general, but all is not lost, for I know my enemy well.Zhen Shi would not be Zhen Shi if he doesnt take a moment to gloat, meaning I might still find an opportunity to strike. The details of a plan escape me, but I will not despair, for if theres one thing I know, its that where there is life, there is hope.Chapter Meme
