Chapter 780
If audio player doesn't work, press Stop then Play button again
Chapter 780
Woof.
A stern and strongly worded bark from Buddy snaps me out of my depressive introspection, only to discover his face pressed against my cheek in what can only be described as aggressive affection. Nestling in against me with more force than necessary, my sweet doggo grumbles in demand that I stop being sad and give him cuddles instead. If only all problems could be solved so easily, but the funny thing is, Buddys efforts bear fruit, because its impossible to be anything but contented while snuggled up with the best dog ever. Its even funnier because I know hes not concerned about my dark emotional spiral, but disgruntled he has to keep pulling me out of them. He doesnt understand why I cant just be happy, because theres nothing here in the moment to make me sad that he can understand.
If only I could see the world from his perspective, so full of joy and curiosities, then Id probably never be sad again
Huh I know I just went on a whole spiel about perspective and self-discovery, but I seem to have overlooked one important aspect. The Abbot once brought up a parable about the three blind men and the elephant, and how the blind men each try to identify what sort of animal it was. Rather than pool their information together, they each independently arrive at wildly different conclusions, and then fall out over their subsequent disagreements. I reckoned it was a lesson about ignorance and obstinance, how people tend to hold onto opinions in spite of the facts, but the Abbot had a different lesson in mind.
A cylinder floats on its side in mid-air, and behind it sits a back-drop of darkness. Imagine the cylinder is the Dao, one we cannot perceive with our eyes, the Abbot intones, his monotone diction so calm and soothing. All we can see is the shadow the Dao casts upon the world, which in this case, is represented by the walls. A light blinks into existence along the cylinders side, and a square shadow is projected on one of the walls. Note that with the lights and walls in this configuration, the shadow formed by the Dao is a square. This is the truth. The first light blinks out, and a second appears on another side, projecting a shadow of a circle against the backdrop. In this configuration, the shadow formed by the Dao is circular. This is also the truth. The first light appears again, while the second light remains in place, and now there is a square shadow on one wall and a circular shadow on the other.
The light is our perspective, the shadow our understanding, and yet the Dao remains the same. Understanding the Abbots meaning, I add, Our limited subjective experience renders us unable to understand the Dao in its entirety.
That is one way to interpret it, Junior Brother. The Abbots voice sounds like its coming from where he was seated across from me, but I am still unable to see him. Another is that there is no singular Dao.
Pointing at the cylinder, I ask, But isnt that the Dao?
Indeed it is, but if we are unable to perceive the Dao directly, then from our perspective, there is no difference between the Dao and the truth we are able to perceive, or more succinctly, the truth becomes our personal Dao, one unique to each individuals perspective.
The truth I perceive is my unique Dao. There is no singular, quantifiable Dao. The Dao is a square, and not a square. The Dao is a circle, and not a circle. The Dao is a triangle, and not a triangle. All statements which are true, depending on your perspective. The Abbot told me all this because he wanted me to know why we each must forge our own Path, but also because he needed me to understand that no one can interpret my own perspective besides me. That being said, maybe, just maybe, theres another lesson to glean from all this, one thats been staring us all in the face this whole time.
If the three blind men had worked together, then they would have had a much easier time identifying what sort of animal an elephant is. In the same vein, if we study enough shadows, then maybe we can extrapolate what the actual shape is. This is what Ive been saying all along, that humanity could only benefit if we came together and pooled all our collective information and experiences. Not solely regarding the martial Dao, but everything and anything at all, for there is a wealth of knowledge out there just waiting to be tapped, an Empire full of hidden gems and diamonds in the rough.
Thats a goal for another day, but I can put the concept into practice here and now. If I want to know who I really am, then I cant ignore how others see me, because my perspective alone is not enough to cover all the angles, even if I am uniquely qualified to view myself in the third person. Luckily, while dumping their scathing retorts directly into my brain, my Natal Souls collectively included a record of their experiences as well, alongside everything they sensed from the people they tried to help. Most of the soldiers in Meng Sha werent thinking about me as they fought, but some were, and their perspectives shine a whole new light on who Falling Rain really is.
Li-Li doesnt know what to make of my confession, but knows I will give her all the time she needs to consider it, and that regardless of her answer, I will respect and abide by it. She respects me as a person, but thinks me foolish for always dwelling on my mistakes and wallowing in self-recrimination. Just as I understand her fear, she understands mine, and in this mutual understanding, she finds comfort and security. I am, above all else, a good man, which in her eyes, is one of the highest compliments any man can receive.
Yan sees me as the wind beneath her wings, but not in so many words. I am the person who always encourages and supports her, someone who will always be there no matter how difficult things might get. With me at her side, there is nothing she cannot do, and while I would argue that she doesnt need me in the first place, she would vehemently disagree. Though she was initially thrilled to sense my presence and eager to see what miracle I would pull off next, she was actually disappointed when I didnt send the Defiled fleeing for the hills and just win the battle outright. Yan thinks the world of me and sees me as someone who is larger than life, a man who takes on too much responsibility and demands too much from himself, yet one who inevitably rises to the occasion in spite of all the odds stacked against him.
To Mila, I am her beloved hero and a goal to pursue, a take which leaves me in awe and disbelief, for she has long since been the same to me. She sees me as the true rising dragon of this era and buys into the whole Chosen Son of the Mother business, because shes seen how far Ive come in so short a time and how hard I worked to get here. Despite knowing how much I love her, she still believes herself unworthy of my affection, which I would say is downright inconceivable if I didnt feel the same way about her. She admires my drive, intelligence, talent, and more, but most of all, she is in awe of how much love and empathy I still have in spite of everything Ive been through. Because of this, she was able to put aside her pride and marry me in spite of knowing I would take other wives, because she knows that I have more than enough love to share.
To Dastan, I am the benefactor he will never be able to repay, but he hides his overwhelming gratitude because he knows itd make me uncomfortable. To Zian, I am a rival written friend, someone who challenges him to be better than the man he was yesterday. To Jorani, I am the benevolent boss who gave him the opportunity to become the man he is today, someone who saw the best in him and helped him see it too. To Lang Yi, I am the savior who pulled him out of the darkness, even though he walked out of it all on his own. To Bulat, Ravil, Siyar, Wang Bao, and so many others, I am the person who gave them a second chance, one they each feel they do not deserve, so they do everything they can to live up to expectations.
So many Irregulars view me as the compassionate and magnanimous Legate, someone who understands their struggles and does what he can to ease their burdens, a welcome change from how most nobles treat them, like workhorses and riffraff. Even though I feel like Ive done nothing but exploit them, they are happy to have the opportunity to prove that they too are heroes in their own right, rather than sheep to be sheltered away from the wolves.
In this same vein, a shocking number of people here in Meng Sha see me as their role model and idol, hoping to follow in my footsteps and rise up as a hero of this generation. They see what Ive done in so many different areas and hope to match me in just one, dreaming of one day becoming a dazzling hero, peerless duelist, tactical genius, economic authority, or even innovative pioneer. My actions and achievements have affected so many people in so many different ways, but I never would have known this to be true it if not for my Natal Souls.
And their perspective should not be discounted either. Even though my Natal Souls are all iterations of myself, their thoughts and actions in their moment of death surprised even me. Each and every one of them felt the need to contact me before dying, which I thought was arrogance, but turns out was just fear. Even though they knew why I delegated the work to them, they wanted to leave a last will and testimony before dying, because like me, they are all terrified of death. Yet in spite of going through so many of their experiences, I have not found a single instance of anger or resentment directed towards me for putting them in such a difficult position. Every Natal Soul was willing to give up their life for the cause, and not a single one hesitated when it came time to die.
An easy decision to make when your life is measured in minutes at best, as every last one of my Natal Souls would have died soon enough, except in the case of my Natal Soul General. He found a way to live, yet he threw his life away all the same. He knew he would die after Devouring those Spectres, knew Blobby would Cleanse him out of existence once he became Unbalanced, and yet he did it anyways without thinking twice. He could have reasoned with me and told me to go Devour the Spectres instead. It would have been risky bringing my true soul out into the Void to do battle with Spectres, but I wouldve survived the Devouring process and can Cleanse Spectres even without Blobbys help. This wouldve allowed my Natal Soul General to live on as a separate entity, but he dismissed this line of thought without even considering it. Not because he didnt want me risking my soul or believed my life more valuable than his, but because hes a giant idiot just like me, who believes he is the hero of his own story.
And he was. We all are. Not just me and my Natal Souls, but everyone. Every last person in the Empire has their own story to tell, even the likes of Mataram YuGan and his clansmen, and all our stories come together to decide the fate of the world. My part in all this is but one of many. This is the truth, that we all have our parts to play, and I can only play my role to the best of my abilities.
So who am I?
The answer depends on your perspective. Husband. Son. Brother. Uncle. Slave. Savage. Runt. Whelp. Friend. Rival. Comrade. Commander. Bekhai. Warrior. Undying. Hero. Rayne. Falling Rain. Baledagh. I am all these things and more, but as the Abbot loves to tell me, I am all too fond of making the simple more complex, when instead, I should strive to make the complex more simple.
I am me.
I am everything I listed before, but also so much more. Though I am unable to distill the concept of who I am in a single statement, I know who I am, and that is more than enough to define me. I have my dreams, my ambitions, my fears, and my concerns. I know my flaws, but more importantly, I now know my strengths, because I have faced my fears thousands of times today and never once did I falter. Every last one of my Natal Souls marched gladly to their deaths, laughing in defiance every step of the way, not because they believed their lives inconsequential in comparison to my own or because they yearned for death and escape. No, they willingly gave their lives up because they knew it was necessary. No war is won without cost, no victory in war without death, and I would rather die a thousand deaths than lose a single friend or loved one.
And even though they all died with grace and aplomb, my Natal Souls did not die without regret. Their last testaments taught me much about myself, revealed to me everything I hold dear most of all. My wives, my family, my friends, my pets, each and every one of my Natal Souls warned me to be kinder to the people I hold dear, and it is a warning I would do well to heed. This more than anything has shown me that while I am drawn to death and romanticize it all too often, I am not so willing to die after all. Difficult as this life has been, I do not truly hate it as Ive claimed all too often, but I would hate to lose it before Ive had time enough to properly cherish what I have. There have been times when I tried to muster up the courage to end my own life, and other times when I wished death would come and claim me in the night, but even at my lowest point when I suffered so much in the mines, I never gave up or surrendered. I came close many times, especially in my darkest of days, but each and every time I clung dearly to hope and clawed my way back to life, because I am not a man who knows how to give up.
The most confusing part is how there is no cyclical flow, like blood moving through your veins or a river flowing down a trench. Instead, the Energy of the Heavens surges into my Core, which then feeds into each minor and major passage independently one stream at a time, and only now do I see an issue. The movement through my body is not steady, not synchronized, not harmonized in any way, but more like one of those puzzles where the numbered pieces are all locked in a frame and you shift them left, right, up, and down to move them into the right order. Theres really only enough room for Heavenly Energy to flow through one major passage at a time, because the rest gets filled and clogged up with excess Heavenly Energy so that one passage can operate. It's as if each passage is its own individual machine that can only operate while the others lay dormant, rather than the twelve passages coming together to form an entire system working in harmony.
Which seems wrong, but I cant really say why, except to ask why bother connecting all the pieces if theyre just going to act independently of one another?
Another point of concern is the lack of coverage in my skin. Much like my blood vessels, this Spiritual System is closed off save for an opening, for lack of a better word, in my Core, and an exit point that just sort of pops up wherever its needed. This seems normal at first, because if there were openings in my skin, then Id just leak Chi all the time, right? That being said, it strikes me as weird because every time I meditate, I feel the Energy of the Heavens seeping in through my skin. Its a very distinct sensation of tingling nerves and opening pores as a warm and refreshing breeze passes through me, one that eventually settles into my Core, but most certainly does not originate from there. Why the discrepancy in what I feel versus what I sense going on here?
The answer arrives in a burst of Insight, but Im not sure if it came from the Heavens, Blobby, or myself. Hell, it mightve come from Buddy for all I know, only that the answer becomes clearer once I recall my past experiences. Following the whole debacle in JiangHu, Taduk helped me fix my shattered Core with the medicinal power of Body Tempering baths. Id severed ties to my physical form by then, but the Energy of the Heavens contained in the bathwater helped reforge those connections, which led to my soul being unable to fit back inside.
Or so I thought.
To fix the issue of my too-girthy soul, I used the Energy of the Heavens to enlarge my Core, but that was taking two steps backwards, one that didnt even work all that well considering how I kept leaking Aura after the fact. The issue with being a corporeal being is that I value my body and mind over my soul, but who says the soul must be contained inside the body? Why cant the body be contained inside the soul? In fact, why does one even need to be contained in the other if they arent occupying the same physical space? My body and soul arent two cups stacked on top of one another, but instead two separate things co-existing in the same space, like light shining through a window or sugar dissolving into water, indistinguishable yet wholly distinct at the same time.
In fact, I think I understand why Shen ZhenWu said the Core is the medium through which we harness Heavenly Energy, and is both the key to humanitys success and our possible downfall. In order to control the Energy of the Heavens, we Martial Warriors channel it into our Cores where we brand it to create Chi, which we keep there until its needed by cutting our Core off from the Heavens. A necessary work around to advance along the Martial Path, yet in doing so, we seal off our ability to progress past a certain point, or at the very least handicap ourselves in the process. All this time, weve been treating our Cores like a storage bank for Chi, but its true purpose is more like the central control system which coordinates its flow, the heart and brain of the operation, as it were. The problem is, we Martial Warriors tend to keep our Cores topped off, meaning theres no room for our Chi to flow freely, which leads to a stagnant Spiritual System that only has room to circulate when necessary.
Which explains why most Martial Warriors have such piss poor Spiritual Senses, to the point where most dont even know it exists, because their Spiritual System never properly develops in the first place. Its like a muscle, in that you need to use it to improve it, but outside of practice and combat, our Spiritual System remains dormant and unused, and therefore our Spiritual Senses never have the chance to flourish and grow.
Now that I know theres an issue with the way things are set up, what would be the right way to go about it? Im not entirely sure, seeing how the Body Refining baths mended my shattered Core without any need for direction or oversight. The work of the Heavens I guess, restoring me to my saved state or whatever, which means Ill need to do something drastic to make this work.
Again, the answer comes easily thanks to my current state, though I still hate Insight with a passion. A flash flood unearths rich soil, and a forest fire clears away the choking undergrowth. Destruction followed by Creation; this is the solution I seek. There is no hesitation and only a little reluctance as I Shatter my Core and tear apart my Spiritual System with an effort of Will, clearing away the old to make room for a new and improved foundation.
A decision I immediately regret as every last nerve of my body is set aflame and I discover the true meaning of suffering.
The pain is not solely due to the destruction of my Core and Spiritual System, a truth I recognize whilst wracked by the all-too-familiar throes of this particular form of agony. This is the pain of loss, but not a physical or emotional loss. This is the anguish I experienced whilst trapped within Zhen Shis nightmare realm, one I brought upon myself every time I severed a finger to spare myself even more suffering. This is a pain which stems from the spirit, only amplified a thousand times compared to what I experienced before, for severing a single finger is nothing in comparison to what I did to myself when creating thousands upon thousands of Natal Souls. The pain was always there, I only lacked the ability to perceive it, having closed myself off from my spirit and soul due to the presence of my Core, a realization which has implications far beyond what I can currently see.
Thank the Heavens I was smart enough to limit myself to only a few thousand of them, else I might well have killed myself in the process. Then again, I never really set a hard limit on numbers, just went with what felt right, so maybe I knew how far I could push myself without really knowing it at all. Thats the problem with Insight, knowing without knowing. If you dont understand why you do what you do, it limits your ability to apply that knowledge in other areas.
No pain, no gain, but pain is temporary, so I shove all these unwelcome sensations to the back of my mind and put a pause on any further progress to give myself some time to take stock of the situation and figure out what to do next. Gone is my Natal Palace alongside everything else within it, and I idly wish Id taken the time to say goodbye to my things before doing away with it all on a whim. More of my tendency to anthropomorphize things, because its silly to want to say goodbye to an object, but it is who I am. All thats left is Buddy, Blobby, and myself all immersed within the darkness of the Void, and I focus on them to avoid getting lost and disoriented by the sheer scale of nothingness around me. Neither of them seem all too bothered by this, though my sweet dog goes on alert and scans the surroundings, sensing something in the darkness of the Void that I cannot perceive. Nothing comes of it however save for a low, warning growl, while Blobby floats in place and emanates a general impression of dissatisfaction over what I assume is the loss of the fountain. My Spiritual Weapons are still there, for they are a part of me no different from my arms and legs rather than merely objects tied to my Core like before, which is great because I would hate to lose them a second time. Most importantly of all, the information kept on my PC Keystone is all tucked away safely, stored in the same place its always been stored, an unused part of my mind I previously only accessed with the Keystone. Going through it is daunting and perplexing to the extreme as everything flows through me all at once, but the human mind is a wonderful thing, even one as stunted and stupid as mine. In the blink of an eye that stretches on for hours, the information is all sorted and stored away in a more accessible manner, done so easily and effortlessly I couldnt even describe the process.
In order to move forward, I have fallen back to the start, but this is all part and parcel of my path. Just like I told the Abbot, if we each must forge our own Path, then by definition, there can be no wrong steps, because every step is a part of your journey, including the parts where you backtrack after coming to a dead end. Failure is as much a part of life as success, and a far better teacher to boot, because I would never have known how to correct my mistakes had I not made them in the first place. Case in point, I know I cant just leave the entire reconstruction process to Heavenly Energy like Id been hoping to earlier, because then Id just be back where I started, with a closed-off Core and faulty Spiritual System, rendering all this suffering for naught. Instead, I need to rebuild myself to be better than I was before, and in order to do this, I need a plan and Heavenly Energy I can control.
Thats the key word, control, and as I direct my Will to mending the metaphysical wounds left by my hasty deconstruction efforts and self-inflicted mutilations of the soul using the usable Heavenly Energy from Blobby, I realize the major difference between Chi and the raw Energy of the Heavens is merely one of volume. Much like water, there is no distinction in where one unit of Heavenly Energy ends and another begins, only a vast reservoir that comes together as a whole. Thus, attempting to utilize the raw Energy of the Heavens is akin to trying to shift the weight of the world all by your lonesome, a feat which requires a phenomenal effort of Will I lack even a scale to measure by, and one I assume is impossible for anyone short of a literal God. In contrast, when Martial Warriors channel Heavenly Energy into their Cores, theyre essentially going out and filling a cup with Heavenly Energy, and the reduced metaphysical mass renders it pliable to our Will. That being said, theres only so much you can do with a cup of water. Its still the same stuff as what you find in the lake, but youd be hard pressed to put out even a campfire one cup at a time.
The long and short of it is that Blobbys freshly Cleansed Heavenly Energy is in the sweet spot where it possesses enough mass to Heal my injuries without too much direction, but not so much that my Will cannot direct it. If left untouched, Blobbys usable Heavenly Energy will eventually merge with the raw aggregate and become indistinguishable from the rest, the same way a raindrop on a window eventually flows back to the ocean in time. The Energy of the Heavens is like water in so many ways, and therein lies the answer Ive been searching for all this time. I must become water, in a metaphorical sense, not a literal hydro-man one. Just as there is no real distinction between where the sea ends and where the tributary begins, I must reconstruct myself so that there is no distinction between the Void and my Core, with the only difference between Chi and Heavenly Energy being one of location. An answer that is both simple and complex, but I just need to keep it simple, stupid.
Alright then. Now I have a general sense of what to do, namely carving a working Spiritual System into my body, mind and soul all at once, a system which needs to be open and accessible to the Energy of the Heavens at all times. That being said, once this is done, how do I seize control of Heavenly Energy without having to pit my Will against the sum of it all?
Or maybe Im looking at control the wrong way. I cant pit my Will against the Heavens, because I will lose every time, but thats not the only way to exert control. A waterwheel doesnt use water directly to work the grindstone, but rather harnesses the flow of water to do so, so if I want to control the Energy of the Heavens, I need to build myself a waterwheel. Or figure out the Panacea of Heavenly Energy. Or find some loophole in the rules to exploit and make myself harder, better, faster, stronger
Theres more to all this, like how flow is important in a way I dont entirely understand, even after seeing it in action first-hand. The flow of Heavenly Energy when I meditate after training, of the flow of Chi as Li-Li executes her quick-draw attack, or as Yan compresses a tornado to fit inside a grape, or as Mila gathers the power of the sun inside her shield before firin her lazor.
The flow of Spectres moving through the Void.
Ha. You know what? I think I figured it all out, but only because Zhen Shis foul workings provided me with the perspective I needed. As thanks for helping me solve this issue, Ill be sure to give him a quick and painless death, which is more than he deserves, but what can I say? This is just the sort of person I am. Ruthless, yet merciful, a contradiction without conflict.
And so, having discovered myself and Shattered the Void, I have taken the first step along my new Path. The next steps are near effortless thanks to all the groundwork I laid in advance, the culmination of all my efforts and hardships to date, with more than a little help from my innate genius and guidance from the Heavens Above. Thats the key to all this, Balance between what I know and what the Heavens are telling me, yet another answer thats been staring me in the face all along, but I only lacked the perspective to understand it. This is not a personal failing, I see this now, because in order to see this, to discover who I am, and to figure out what to do, I first had to become the man I am today.
And that, more than anything, is the journey of life. Not trials and tribulations, but a journey of learning and self-discovery from start to end, and a beautiful one at that.
Chapter Meme 1
Chapter Meme 2
Please report us if you find any errors so we can fix it asap!
Chapter 780
Woof.
A stern and strongly worded bark from Buddy snaps me out of my depressive introspection, only to discover his face pressed against my cheek in what can only be described as aggressive affection. Nestling in against me with more force than necessary, my sweet doggo grumbles in demand that I stop being sad and give him cuddles instead. If only all problems could be solved so easily, but the funny thing is, Buddys efforts bear fruit, because its impossible to be anything but contented while snuggled up with the best dog ever. Its even funnier because I know hes not concerned about my dark emotional spiral, but disgruntled he has to keep pulling me out of them. He doesnt understand why I cant just be happy, because theres nothing here in the moment to make me sad that he can understand.
If only I could see the world from his perspective, so full of joy and curiosities, then Id probably never be sad again
Huh I know I just went on a whole spiel about perspective and self-discovery, but I seem to have overlooked one important aspect. The Abbot once brought up a parable about the three blind men and the elephant, and how the blind men each try to identify what sort of animal it was. Rather than pool their information together, they each independently arrive at wildly different conclusions, and then fall out over their subsequent disagreements. I reckoned it was a lesson about ignorance and obstinance, how people tend to hold onto opinions in spite of the facts, but the Abbot had a different lesson in mind.
A cylinder floats on its side in mid-air, and behind it sits a back-drop of darkness. Imagine the cylinder is the Dao, one we cannot perceive with our eyes, the Abbot intones, his monotone diction so calm and soothing. All we can see is the shadow the Dao casts upon the world, which in this case, is represented by the walls. A light blinks into existence along the cylinders side, and a square shadow is projected on one of the walls. Note that with the lights and walls in this configuration, the shadow formed by the Dao is a square. This is the truth. The first light blinks out, and a second appears on another side, projecting a shadow of a circle against the backdrop. In this configuration, the shadow formed by the Dao is circular. This is also the truth. The first light appears again, while the second light remains in place, and now there is a square shadow on one wall and a circular shadow on the other.
The light is our perspective, the shadow our understanding, and yet the Dao remains the same. Understanding the Abbots meaning, I add, Our limited subjective experience renders us unable to understand the Dao in its entirety.
That is one way to interpret it, Junior Brother. The Abbots voice sounds like its coming from where he was seated across from me, but I am still unable to see him. Another is that there is no singular Dao.
Pointing at the cylinder, I ask, But isnt that the Dao?
Indeed it is, but if we are unable to perceive the Dao directly, then from our perspective, there is no difference between the Dao and the truth we are able to perceive, or more succinctly, the truth becomes our personal Dao, one unique to each individuals perspective.
The truth I perceive is my unique Dao. There is no singular, quantifiable Dao. The Dao is a square, and not a square. The Dao is a circle, and not a circle. The Dao is a triangle, and not a triangle. All statements which are true, depending on your perspective. The Abbot told me all this because he wanted me to know why we each must forge our own Path, but also because he needed me to understand that no one can interpret my own perspective besides me. That being said, maybe, just maybe, theres another lesson to glean from all this, one thats been staring us all in the face this whole time.
If the three blind men had worked together, then they would have had a much easier time identifying what sort of animal an elephant is. In the same vein, if we study enough shadows, then maybe we can extrapolate what the actual shape is. This is what Ive been saying all along, that humanity could only benefit if we came together and pooled all our collective information and experiences. Not solely regarding the martial Dao, but everything and anything at all, for there is a wealth of knowledge out there just waiting to be tapped, an Empire full of hidden gems and diamonds in the rough.
Thats a goal for another day, but I can put the concept into practice here and now. If I want to know who I really am, then I cant ignore how others see me, because my perspective alone is not enough to cover all the angles, even if I am uniquely qualified to view myself in the third person. Luckily, while dumping their scathing retorts directly into my brain, my Natal Souls collectively included a record of their experiences as well, alongside everything they sensed from the people they tried to help. Most of the soldiers in Meng Sha werent thinking about me as they fought, but some were, and their perspectives shine a whole new light on who Falling Rain really is.
Li-Li doesnt know what to make of my confession, but knows I will give her all the time she needs to consider it, and that regardless of her answer, I will respect and abide by it. She respects me as a person, but thinks me foolish for always dwelling on my mistakes and wallowing in self-recrimination. Just as I understand her fear, she understands mine, and in this mutual understanding, she finds comfort and security. I am, above all else, a good man, which in her eyes, is one of the highest compliments any man can receive.
Yan sees me as the wind beneath her wings, but not in so many words. I am the person who always encourages and supports her, someone who will always be there no matter how difficult things might get. With me at her side, there is nothing she cannot do, and while I would argue that she doesnt need me in the first place, she would vehemently disagree. Though she was initially thrilled to sense my presence and eager to see what miracle I would pull off next, she was actually disappointed when I didnt send the Defiled fleeing for the hills and just win the battle outright. Yan thinks the world of me and sees me as someone who is larger than life, a man who takes on too much responsibility and demands too much from himself, yet one who inevitably rises to the occasion in spite of all the odds stacked against him.
To Mila, I am her beloved hero and a goal to pursue, a take which leaves me in awe and disbelief, for she has long since been the same to me. She sees me as the true rising dragon of this era and buys into the whole Chosen Son of the Mother business, because shes seen how far Ive come in so short a time and how hard I worked to get here. Despite knowing how much I love her, she still believes herself unworthy of my affection, which I would say is downright inconceivable if I didnt feel the same way about her. She admires my drive, intelligence, talent, and more, but most of all, she is in awe of how much love and empathy I still have in spite of everything Ive been through. Because of this, she was able to put aside her pride and marry me in spite of knowing I would take other wives, because she knows that I have more than enough love to share.
To Dastan, I am the benefactor he will never be able to repay, but he hides his overwhelming gratitude because he knows itd make me uncomfortable. To Zian, I am a rival written friend, someone who challenges him to be better than the man he was yesterday. To Jorani, I am the benevolent boss who gave him the opportunity to become the man he is today, someone who saw the best in him and helped him see it too. To Lang Yi, I am the savior who pulled him out of the darkness, even though he walked out of it all on his own. To Bulat, Ravil, Siyar, Wang Bao, and so many others, I am the person who gave them a second chance, one they each feel they do not deserve, so they do everything they can to live up to expectations.
So many Irregulars view me as the compassionate and magnanimous Legate, someone who understands their struggles and does what he can to ease their burdens, a welcome change from how most nobles treat them, like workhorses and riffraff. Even though I feel like Ive done nothing but exploit them, they are happy to have the opportunity to prove that they too are heroes in their own right, rather than sheep to be sheltered away from the wolves.
In this same vein, a shocking number of people here in Meng Sha see me as their role model and idol, hoping to follow in my footsteps and rise up as a hero of this generation. They see what Ive done in so many different areas and hope to match me in just one, dreaming of one day becoming a dazzling hero, peerless duelist, tactical genius, economic authority, or even innovative pioneer. My actions and achievements have affected so many people in so many different ways, but I never would have known this to be true it if not for my Natal Souls.
And their perspective should not be discounted either. Even though my Natal Souls are all iterations of myself, their thoughts and actions in their moment of death surprised even me. Each and every one of them felt the need to contact me before dying, which I thought was arrogance, but turns out was just fear. Even though they knew why I delegated the work to them, they wanted to leave a last will and testimony before dying, because like me, they are all terrified of death. Yet in spite of going through so many of their experiences, I have not found a single instance of anger or resentment directed towards me for putting them in such a difficult position. Every Natal Soul was willing to give up their life for the cause, and not a single one hesitated when it came time to die.
An easy decision to make when your life is measured in minutes at best, as every last one of my Natal Souls would have died soon enough, except in the case of my Natal Soul General. He found a way to live, yet he threw his life away all the same. He knew he would die after Devouring those Spectres, knew Blobby would Cleanse him out of existence once he became Unbalanced, and yet he did it anyways without thinking twice. He could have reasoned with me and told me to go Devour the Spectres instead. It would have been risky bringing my true soul out into the Void to do battle with Spectres, but I wouldve survived the Devouring process and can Cleanse Spectres even without Blobbys help. This wouldve allowed my Natal Soul General to live on as a separate entity, but he dismissed this line of thought without even considering it. Not because he didnt want me risking my soul or believed my life more valuable than his, but because hes a giant idiot just like me, who believes he is the hero of his own story.
And he was. We all are. Not just me and my Natal Souls, but everyone. Every last person in the Empire has their own story to tell, even the likes of Mataram YuGan and his clansmen, and all our stories come together to decide the fate of the world. My part in all this is but one of many. This is the truth, that we all have our parts to play, and I can only play my role to the best of my abilities.
So who am I?
The answer depends on your perspective. Husband. Son. Brother. Uncle. Slave. Savage. Runt. Whelp. Friend. Rival. Comrade. Commander. Bekhai. Warrior. Undying. Hero. Rayne. Falling Rain. Baledagh. I am all these things and more, but as the Abbot loves to tell me, I am all too fond of making the simple more complex, when instead, I should strive to make the complex more simple.
I am me.
I am everything I listed before, but also so much more. Though I am unable to distill the concept of who I am in a single statement, I know who I am, and that is more than enough to define me. I have my dreams, my ambitions, my fears, and my concerns. I know my flaws, but more importantly, I now know my strengths, because I have faced my fears thousands of times today and never once did I falter. Every last one of my Natal Souls marched gladly to their deaths, laughing in defiance every step of the way, not because they believed their lives inconsequential in comparison to my own or because they yearned for death and escape. No, they willingly gave their lives up because they knew it was necessary. No war is won without cost, no victory in war without death, and I would rather die a thousand deaths than lose a single friend or loved one.
And even though they all died with grace and aplomb, my Natal Souls did not die without regret. Their last testaments taught me much about myself, revealed to me everything I hold dear most of all. My wives, my family, my friends, my pets, each and every one of my Natal Souls warned me to be kinder to the people I hold dear, and it is a warning I would do well to heed. This more than anything has shown me that while I am drawn to death and romanticize it all too often, I am not so willing to die after all. Difficult as this life has been, I do not truly hate it as Ive claimed all too often, but I would hate to lose it before Ive had time enough to properly cherish what I have. There have been times when I tried to muster up the courage to end my own life, and other times when I wished death would come and claim me in the night, but even at my lowest point when I suffered so much in the mines, I never gave up or surrendered. I came close many times, especially in my darkest of days, but each and every time I clung dearly to hope and clawed my way back to life, because I am not a man who knows how to give up.
The most confusing part is how there is no cyclical flow, like blood moving through your veins or a river flowing down a trench. Instead, the Energy of the Heavens surges into my Core, which then feeds into each minor and major passage independently one stream at a time, and only now do I see an issue. The movement through my body is not steady, not synchronized, not harmonized in any way, but more like one of those puzzles where the numbered pieces are all locked in a frame and you shift them left, right, up, and down to move them into the right order. Theres really only enough room for Heavenly Energy to flow through one major passage at a time, because the rest gets filled and clogged up with excess Heavenly Energy so that one passage can operate. It's as if each passage is its own individual machine that can only operate while the others lay dormant, rather than the twelve passages coming together to form an entire system working in harmony.
Which seems wrong, but I cant really say why, except to ask why bother connecting all the pieces if theyre just going to act independently of one another?
Another point of concern is the lack of coverage in my skin. Much like my blood vessels, this Spiritual System is closed off save for an opening, for lack of a better word, in my Core, and an exit point that just sort of pops up wherever its needed. This seems normal at first, because if there were openings in my skin, then Id just leak Chi all the time, right? That being said, it strikes me as weird because every time I meditate, I feel the Energy of the Heavens seeping in through my skin. Its a very distinct sensation of tingling nerves and opening pores as a warm and refreshing breeze passes through me, one that eventually settles into my Core, but most certainly does not originate from there. Why the discrepancy in what I feel versus what I sense going on here?
The answer arrives in a burst of Insight, but Im not sure if it came from the Heavens, Blobby, or myself. Hell, it mightve come from Buddy for all I know, only that the answer becomes clearer once I recall my past experiences. Following the whole debacle in JiangHu, Taduk helped me fix my shattered Core with the medicinal power of Body Tempering baths. Id severed ties to my physical form by then, but the Energy of the Heavens contained in the bathwater helped reforge those connections, which led to my soul being unable to fit back inside.
Or so I thought.
To fix the issue of my too-girthy soul, I used the Energy of the Heavens to enlarge my Core, but that was taking two steps backwards, one that didnt even work all that well considering how I kept leaking Aura after the fact. The issue with being a corporeal being is that I value my body and mind over my soul, but who says the soul must be contained inside the body? Why cant the body be contained inside the soul? In fact, why does one even need to be contained in the other if they arent occupying the same physical space? My body and soul arent two cups stacked on top of one another, but instead two separate things co-existing in the same space, like light shining through a window or sugar dissolving into water, indistinguishable yet wholly distinct at the same time.
In fact, I think I understand why Shen ZhenWu said the Core is the medium through which we harness Heavenly Energy, and is both the key to humanitys success and our possible downfall. In order to control the Energy of the Heavens, we Martial Warriors channel it into our Cores where we brand it to create Chi, which we keep there until its needed by cutting our Core off from the Heavens. A necessary work around to advance along the Martial Path, yet in doing so, we seal off our ability to progress past a certain point, or at the very least handicap ourselves in the process. All this time, weve been treating our Cores like a storage bank for Chi, but its true purpose is more like the central control system which coordinates its flow, the heart and brain of the operation, as it were. The problem is, we Martial Warriors tend to keep our Cores topped off, meaning theres no room for our Chi to flow freely, which leads to a stagnant Spiritual System that only has room to circulate when necessary.
Which explains why most Martial Warriors have such piss poor Spiritual Senses, to the point where most dont even know it exists, because their Spiritual System never properly develops in the first place. Its like a muscle, in that you need to use it to improve it, but outside of practice and combat, our Spiritual System remains dormant and unused, and therefore our Spiritual Senses never have the chance to flourish and grow.
Now that I know theres an issue with the way things are set up, what would be the right way to go about it? Im not entirely sure, seeing how the Body Refining baths mended my shattered Core without any need for direction or oversight. The work of the Heavens I guess, restoring me to my saved state or whatever, which means Ill need to do something drastic to make this work.
Again, the answer comes easily thanks to my current state, though I still hate Insight with a passion. A flash flood unearths rich soil, and a forest fire clears away the choking undergrowth. Destruction followed by Creation; this is the solution I seek. There is no hesitation and only a little reluctance as I Shatter my Core and tear apart my Spiritual System with an effort of Will, clearing away the old to make room for a new and improved foundation.
A decision I immediately regret as every last nerve of my body is set aflame and I discover the true meaning of suffering.
The pain is not solely due to the destruction of my Core and Spiritual System, a truth I recognize whilst wracked by the all-too-familiar throes of this particular form of agony. This is the pain of loss, but not a physical or emotional loss. This is the anguish I experienced whilst trapped within Zhen Shis nightmare realm, one I brought upon myself every time I severed a finger to spare myself even more suffering. This is a pain which stems from the spirit, only amplified a thousand times compared to what I experienced before, for severing a single finger is nothing in comparison to what I did to myself when creating thousands upon thousands of Natal Souls. The pain was always there, I only lacked the ability to perceive it, having closed myself off from my spirit and soul due to the presence of my Core, a realization which has implications far beyond what I can currently see.
Thank the Heavens I was smart enough to limit myself to only a few thousand of them, else I might well have killed myself in the process. Then again, I never really set a hard limit on numbers, just went with what felt right, so maybe I knew how far I could push myself without really knowing it at all. Thats the problem with Insight, knowing without knowing. If you dont understand why you do what you do, it limits your ability to apply that knowledge in other areas.
No pain, no gain, but pain is temporary, so I shove all these unwelcome sensations to the back of my mind and put a pause on any further progress to give myself some time to take stock of the situation and figure out what to do next. Gone is my Natal Palace alongside everything else within it, and I idly wish Id taken the time to say goodbye to my things before doing away with it all on a whim. More of my tendency to anthropomorphize things, because its silly to want to say goodbye to an object, but it is who I am. All thats left is Buddy, Blobby, and myself all immersed within the darkness of the Void, and I focus on them to avoid getting lost and disoriented by the sheer scale of nothingness around me. Neither of them seem all too bothered by this, though my sweet dog goes on alert and scans the surroundings, sensing something in the darkness of the Void that I cannot perceive. Nothing comes of it however save for a low, warning growl, while Blobby floats in place and emanates a general impression of dissatisfaction over what I assume is the loss of the fountain. My Spiritual Weapons are still there, for they are a part of me no different from my arms and legs rather than merely objects tied to my Core like before, which is great because I would hate to lose them a second time. Most importantly of all, the information kept on my PC Keystone is all tucked away safely, stored in the same place its always been stored, an unused part of my mind I previously only accessed with the Keystone. Going through it is daunting and perplexing to the extreme as everything flows through me all at once, but the human mind is a wonderful thing, even one as stunted and stupid as mine. In the blink of an eye that stretches on for hours, the information is all sorted and stored away in a more accessible manner, done so easily and effortlessly I couldnt even describe the process.
In order to move forward, I have fallen back to the start, but this is all part and parcel of my path. Just like I told the Abbot, if we each must forge our own Path, then by definition, there can be no wrong steps, because every step is a part of your journey, including the parts where you backtrack after coming to a dead end. Failure is as much a part of life as success, and a far better teacher to boot, because I would never have known how to correct my mistakes had I not made them in the first place. Case in point, I know I cant just leave the entire reconstruction process to Heavenly Energy like Id been hoping to earlier, because then Id just be back where I started, with a closed-off Core and faulty Spiritual System, rendering all this suffering for naught. Instead, I need to rebuild myself to be better than I was before, and in order to do this, I need a plan and Heavenly Energy I can control.
Thats the key word, control, and as I direct my Will to mending the metaphysical wounds left by my hasty deconstruction efforts and self-inflicted mutilations of the soul using the usable Heavenly Energy from Blobby, I realize the major difference between Chi and the raw Energy of the Heavens is merely one of volume. Much like water, there is no distinction in where one unit of Heavenly Energy ends and another begins, only a vast reservoir that comes together as a whole. Thus, attempting to utilize the raw Energy of the Heavens is akin to trying to shift the weight of the world all by your lonesome, a feat which requires a phenomenal effort of Will I lack even a scale to measure by, and one I assume is impossible for anyone short of a literal God. In contrast, when Martial Warriors channel Heavenly Energy into their Cores, theyre essentially going out and filling a cup with Heavenly Energy, and the reduced metaphysical mass renders it pliable to our Will. That being said, theres only so much you can do with a cup of water. Its still the same stuff as what you find in the lake, but youd be hard pressed to put out even a campfire one cup at a time.
The long and short of it is that Blobbys freshly Cleansed Heavenly Energy is in the sweet spot where it possesses enough mass to Heal my injuries without too much direction, but not so much that my Will cannot direct it. If left untouched, Blobbys usable Heavenly Energy will eventually merge with the raw aggregate and become indistinguishable from the rest, the same way a raindrop on a window eventually flows back to the ocean in time. The Energy of the Heavens is like water in so many ways, and therein lies the answer Ive been searching for all this time. I must become water, in a metaphorical sense, not a literal hydro-man one. Just as there is no real distinction between where the sea ends and where the tributary begins, I must reconstruct myself so that there is no distinction between the Void and my Core, with the only difference between Chi and Heavenly Energy being one of location. An answer that is both simple and complex, but I just need to keep it simple, stupid.
Alright then. Now I have a general sense of what to do, namely carving a working Spiritual System into my body, mind and soul all at once, a system which needs to be open and accessible to the Energy of the Heavens at all times. That being said, once this is done, how do I seize control of Heavenly Energy without having to pit my Will against the sum of it all?
Or maybe Im looking at control the wrong way. I cant pit my Will against the Heavens, because I will lose every time, but thats not the only way to exert control. A waterwheel doesnt use water directly to work the grindstone, but rather harnesses the flow of water to do so, so if I want to control the Energy of the Heavens, I need to build myself a waterwheel. Or figure out the Panacea of Heavenly Energy. Or find some loophole in the rules to exploit and make myself harder, better, faster, stronger
Theres more to all this, like how flow is important in a way I dont entirely understand, even after seeing it in action first-hand. The flow of Heavenly Energy when I meditate after training, of the flow of Chi as Li-Li executes her quick-draw attack, or as Yan compresses a tornado to fit inside a grape, or as Mila gathers the power of the sun inside her shield before firin her lazor.
The flow of Spectres moving through the Void.
Ha. You know what? I think I figured it all out, but only because Zhen Shis foul workings provided me with the perspective I needed. As thanks for helping me solve this issue, Ill be sure to give him a quick and painless death, which is more than he deserves, but what can I say? This is just the sort of person I am. Ruthless, yet merciful, a contradiction without conflict.
And so, having discovered myself and Shattered the Void, I have taken the first step along my new Path. The next steps are near effortless thanks to all the groundwork I laid in advance, the culmination of all my efforts and hardships to date, with more than a little help from my innate genius and guidance from the Heavens Above. Thats the key to all this, Balance between what I know and what the Heavens are telling me, yet another answer thats been staring me in the face all along, but I only lacked the perspective to understand it. This is not a personal failing, I see this now, because in order to see this, to discover who I am, and to figure out what to do, I first had to become the man I am today.
And that, more than anything, is the journey of life. Not trials and tribulations, but a journey of learning and self-discovery from start to end, and a beautiful one at that.
Chapter Meme 1
Chapter Meme 2
Chapter 780Woof.A stern and strongly worded bark from Buddy snaps me out of my depressive introspection, only to discover his face pressed against my cheek in what can only be described as aggressive affection. Nestling in against me with more force than necessary, my sweet doggo grumbles in demand that I stop being sad and give him cuddles instead. If only all problems could be solved so easily, but the funny thing is, Buddys efforts bear fruit, because its impossible to be anything but contented while snuggled up with the best dog ever. Its even funnier because I know hes not concerned about my dark emotional spiral, but disgruntled he has to keep pulling me out of them. He doesnt understand why I cant just be happy, because theres nothing here in the moment to make me sad that he can understand.If only I could see the world from his perspective, so full of joy and curiosities, then Id probably never be sad againHuh I know I just went on a whole spiel about perspective and self-discovery, but I seem to have overlooked one important aspect. The Abbot once brought up a parable about the three blind men and the elephant, and how the blind men each try to identify what sort of animal it was. Rather than pool their information together, they each independently arrive at wildly different conclusions, and then fall out over their subsequent disagreements. I reckoned it was a lesson about ignorance and obstinance, how people tend to hold onto opinions in spite of the facts, but the Abbot had a different lesson in mind.A cylinder floats on its side in mid-air, and behind it sits a back-drop of darkness. Imagine the cylinder is the Dao, one we cannot perceive with our eyes, the Abbot intones, his monotone diction so calm and soothing. All we can see is the shadow the Dao casts upon the world, which in this case, is represented by the walls. A light blinks into existence along the cylinders side, and a square shadow is projected on one of the walls. Note that with the lights and walls in this configuration, the shadow formed by the Dao is a square. This is the truth. The first light blinks out, and a second appears on another side, projecting a shadow of a circle against the backdrop. In this configuration, the shadow formed by the Dao is circular. This is also the truth. The first light appears again, while the second light remains in place, and now there is a square shadow on one wall and a circular shadow on the other.The light is our perspective, the shadow our understanding, and yet the Dao remains the same. Understanding the Abbots meaning, I add, Our limited subjective experience renders us unable to understand the Dao in its entirety.That is one way to interpret it, Junior Brother. The Abbots voice sounds like its coming from where he was seated across from me, but I am still unable to see him. Another is that there is no singular Dao.Pointing at the cylinder, I ask, But isnt that the Dao?Indeed it is, but if we are unable to perceive the Dao directly, then from our perspective, there is no difference between the Dao and the truth we are able to perceive, or more succinctly, the truth becomes our personal Dao, one unique to each individuals perspective.The truth I perceive is my unique Dao. There is no singular, quantifiable Dao. The Dao is a square, and not a square. The Dao is a circle, and not a circle. The Dao is a triangle, and not a triangle. All statements which are true, depending on your perspective. The Abbot told me all this because he wanted me to know why we each must forge our own Path, but also because he needed me to understand that no one can interpret my own perspective besides me. That being said, maybe, just maybe, theres another lesson to glean from all this, one thats been staring us all in the face this whole time.If the three blind men had worked together, then they would have had a much easier time identifying what sort of animal an elephant is. In the same vein, if we study enough shadows, then maybe we can extrapolate what the actual shape is. This is what Ive been saying all along, that humanity could only benefit if we came together and pooled all our collective information and experiences. Not solely regarding the martial Dao, but everything and anything at all, for there is a wealth of knowledge out there just waiting to be tapped, an Empire full of hidden gems and diamonds in the rough.Thats a goal for another day, but I can put the concept into practice here and now. If I want to know who I really am, then I cant ignore how others see me, because my perspective alone is not enough to cover all the angles, even if I am uniquely qualified to view myself in the third person. Luckily, while dumping their scathing retorts directly into my brain, my Natal Souls collectively included a record of their experiences as well, alongside everything they sensed from the people they tried to help. Most of the soldiers in Meng Sha werent thinking about me as they fought, but some were, and their perspectives shine a whole new light on who Falling Rain really is.Li-Li doesnt know what to make of my confession, but knows I will give her all the time she needs to consider it, and that regardless of her answer, I will respect and abide by it. She respects me as a person, but thinks me foolish for always dwelling on my mistakes and wallowing in self-recrimination. Just as I understand her fear, she understands mine, and in this mutual understanding, she finds comfort and security. I am, above all else, a good man, which in her eyes, is one of the highest compliments any man can receive.Yan sees me as the wind beneath her wings, but not in so many words. I am the person who always encourages and supports her, someone who will always be there no matter how difficult things might get. With me at her side, there is nothing she cannot do, and while I would argue that she doesnt need me in the first place, she would vehemently disagree. Though she was initially thrilled to sense my presence and eager to see what miracle I would pull off next, she was actually disappointed when I didnt send the Defiled fleeing for the hills and just win the battle outright. Yan thinks the world of me and sees me as someone who is larger than life, a man who takes on too much responsibility and demands too much from himself, yet one who inevitably rises to the occasion in spite of all the odds stacked against him.To Mila, I am her beloved hero and a goal to pursue, a take which leaves me in awe and disbelief, for she has long since been the same to me. She sees me as the true rising dragon of this era and buys into the whole Chosen Son of the Mother business, because shes seen how far Ive come in so short a time and how hard I worked to get here. Despite knowing how much I love her, she still believes herself unworthy of my affection, which I would say is downright inconceivable if I didnt feel the same way about her. She admires my drive, intelligence, talent, and more, but most of all, she is in awe of how much love and empathy I still have in spite of everything Ive been through. Because of this, she was able to put aside her pride and marry me in spite of knowing I would take other wives, because she knows that I have more than enough love to share.To Dastan, I am the benefactor he will never be able to repay, but he hides his overwhelming gratitude because he knows itd make me uncomfortable. To Zian, I am a rival written friend, someone who challenges him to be better than the man he was yesterday. To Jorani, I am the benevolent boss who gave him the opportunity to become the man he is today, someone who saw the best in him and helped him see it too. To Lang Yi, I am the savior who pulled him out of the darkness, even though he walked out of it all on his own. To Bulat, Ravil, Siyar, Wang Bao, and so many others, I am the person who gave them a second chance, one they each feel they do not deserve, so they do everything they can to live up to expectations.So many Irregulars view me as the compassionate and magnanimous Legate, someone who understands their struggles and does what he can to ease their burdens, a welcome change from how most nobles treat them, like workhorses and riffraff. Even though I feel like Ive done nothing but exploit them, they are happy to have the opportunity to prove that they too are heroes in their own right, rather than sheep to be sheltered away from the wolves.In this same vein, a shocking number of people here in Meng Sha see me as their role model and idol, hoping to follow in my footsteps and rise up as a hero of this generation. They see what Ive done in so many different areas and hope to match me in just one, dreaming of one day becoming a dazzling hero, peerless duelist, tactical genius, economic authority, or even innovative pioneer. My actions and achievements have affected so many people in so many different ways, but I never would have known this to be true it if not for my Natal Souls.And their perspective should not be discounted either. Even though my Natal Souls are all iterations of myself, their thoughts and actions in their moment of death surprised even me. Each and every one of them felt the need to contact me before dying, which I thought was arrogance, but turns out was just fear. Even though they knew why I delegated the work to them, they wanted to leave a last will and testimony before dying, because like me, they are all terrified of death. Yet in spite of going through so many of their experiences, I have not found a single instance of anger or resentment directed towards me for putting them in such a difficult position. Every Natal Soul was willing to give up their life for the cause, and not a single one hesitated when it came time to die.An easy decision to make when your life is measured in minutes at best, as every last one of my Natal Souls would have died soon enough, except in the case of my Natal Soul General. He found a way to live, yet he threw his life away all the same. He knew he would die after Devouring those Spectres, knew Blobby would Cleanse him out of existence once he became Unbalanced, and yet he did it anyways without thinking twice. He could have reasoned with me and told me to go Devour the Spectres instead. It would have been risky bringing my true soul out into the Void to do battle with Spectres, but I wouldve survived the Devouring process and can Cleanse Spectres even without Blobbys help. This wouldve allowed my Natal Soul General to live on as a separate entity, but he dismissed this line of thought without even considering it. Not because he didnt want me risking my soul or believed my life more valuable than his, but because hes a giant idiot just like me, who believes he is the hero of his own story.And he was. We all are. Not just me and my Natal Souls, but everyone. Every last person in the Empire has their own story to tell, even the likes of Mataram YuGan and his clansmen, and all our stories come together to decide the fate of the world. My part in all this is but one of many. This is the truth, that we all have our parts to play, and I can only play my role to the best of my abilities.So who am I?The answer depends on your perspective. Husband. Son. Brother. Uncle. Slave. Savage. Runt. Whelp. Friend. Rival. Comrade. Commander. Bekhai. Warrior. Undying. Hero. Rayne. Falling Rain. Baledagh. I am all these things and more, but as the Abbot loves to tell me, I am all too fond of making the simple more complex, when instead, I should strive to make the complex more simple.I am me.I am everything I listed before, but also so much more. Though I am unable to distill the concept of who I am in a single statement, I know who I am, and that is more than enough to define me. I have my dreams, my ambitions, my fears, and my concerns. I know my flaws, but more importantly, I now know my strengths, because I have faced my fears thousands of times today and never once did I falter. Every last one of my Natal Souls marched gladly to their deaths, laughing in defiance every step of the way, not because they believed their lives inconsequential in comparison to my own or because they yearned for death and escape. No, they willingly gave their lives up because they knew it was necessary. No war is won without cost, no victory in war without death, and I would rather die a thousand deaths than lose a single friend or loved one.And even though they all died with grace and aplomb, my Natal Souls did not die without regret. Their last testaments taught me much about myself, revealed to me everything I hold dear most of all. My wives, my family, my friends, my pets, each and every one of my Natal Souls warned me to be kinder to the people I hold dear, and it is a warning I would do well to heed. This more than anything has shown me that while I am drawn to death and romanticize it all too often, I am not so willing to die after all. Difficult as this life has been, I do not truly hate it as Ive claimed all too often, but I would hate to lose it before Ive had time enough to properly cherish what I have. There have been times when I tried to muster up the courage to end my own life, and other times when I wished death would come and claim me in the night, but even at my lowest point when I suffered so much in the mines, I never gave up or surrendered. I came close many times, especially in my darkest of days, but each and every time I clung dearly to hope and clawed my way back to life, because I am not a man who knows how to give up.The most confusing part is how there is no cyclical flow, like blood moving through your veins or a river flowing down a trench. Instead, the Energy of the Heavens surges into my Core, which then feeds into each minor and major passage independently one stream at a time, and only now do I see an issue. The movement through my body is not steady, not synchronized, not harmonized in any way, but more like one of those puzzles where the numbered pieces are all locked in a frame and you shift them left, right, up, and down to move them into the right order. Theres really only enough room for Heavenly Energy to flow through one major passage at a time, because the rest gets filled and clogged up with excess Heavenly Energy so that one passage can operate. It's as if each passage is its own individual machine that can only operate while the others lay dormant, rather than the twelve passages coming together to form an entire system working in harmony.Which seems wrong, but I cant really say why, except to ask why bother connecting all the pieces if theyre just going to act independently of one another?Another point of concern is the lack of coverage in my skin. Much like my blood vessels, this Spiritual System is closed off save for an opening, for lack of a better word, in my Core, and an exit point that just sort of pops up wherever its needed. This seems normal at first, because if there were openings in my skin, then Id just leak Chi all the time, right? That being said, it strikes me as weird because every time I meditate, I feel the Energy of the Heavens seeping in through my skin. Its a very distinct sensation of tingling nerves and opening pores as a warm and refreshing breeze passes through me, one that eventually settles into my Core, but most certainly does not originate from there. Why the discrepancy in what I feel versus what I sense going on here?The answer arrives in a burst of Insight, but Im not sure if it came from the Heavens, Blobby, or myself. Hell, it mightve come from Buddy for all I know, only that the answer becomes clearer once I recall my past experiences. Following the whole debacle in JiangHu, Taduk helped me fix my shattered Core with the medicinal power of Body Tempering baths. Id severed ties to my physical form by then, but the Energy of the Heavens contained in the bathwater helped reforge those connections, which led to my soul being unable to fit back inside.Or so I thought.To fix the issue of my too-girthy soul, I used the Energy of the Heavens to enlarge my Core, but that was taking two steps backwards, one that didnt even work all that well considering how I kept leaking Aura after the fact. The issue with being a corporeal being is that I value my body and mind over my soul, but who says the soul must be contained inside the body? Why cant the body be contained inside the soul? In fact, why does one even need to be contained in the other if they arent occupying the same physical space? My body and soul arent two cups stacked on top of one another, but instead two separate things co-existing in the same space, like light shining through a window or sugar dissolving into water, indistinguishable yet wholly distinct at the same time.In fact, I think I understand why Shen ZhenWu said the Core is the medium through which we harness Heavenly Energy, and is both the key to humanitys success and our possible downfall. In order to control the Energy of the Heavens, we Martial Warriors channel it into our Cores where we brand it to create Chi, which we keep there until its needed by cutting our Core off from the Heavens. A necessary work around to advance along the Martial Path, yet in doing so, we seal off our ability to progress past a certain point, or at the very least handicap ourselves in the process. All this time, weve been treating our Cores like a storage bank for Chi, but its true purpose is more like the central control system which coordinates its flow, the heart and brain of the operation, as it were. The problem is, we Martial Warriors tend to keep our Cores topped off, meaning theres no room for our Chi to flow freely, which leads to a stagnant Spiritual System that only has room to circulate when necessary.Which explains why most Martial Warriors have such piss poor Spiritual Senses, to the point where most dont even know it exists, because their Spiritual System never properly develops in the first place. Its like a muscle, in that you need to use it to improve it, but outside of practice and combat, our Spiritual System remains dormant and unused, and therefore our Spiritual Senses never have the chance to flourish and grow.Now that I know theres an issue with the way things are set up, what would be the right way to go about it? Im not entirely sure, seeing how the Body Refining baths mended my shattered Core without any need for direction or oversight. The work of the Heavens I guess, restoring me to my saved state or whatever, which means Ill need to do something drastic to make this work.Again, the answer comes easily thanks to my current state, though I still hate Insight with a passion. A flash flood unearths rich soil, and a forest fire clears away the choking undergrowth. Destruction followed by Creation; this is the solution I seek. There is no hesitation and only a little reluctance as I Shatter my Core and tear apart my Spiritual System with an effort of Will, clearing away the old to make room for a new and improved foundation.A decision I immediately regret as every last nerve of my body is set aflame and I discover the true meaning of suffering.The pain is not solely due to the destruction of my Core and Spiritual System, a truth I recognize whilst wracked by the all-too-familiar throes of this particular form of agony. This is the pain of loss, but not a physical or emotional loss. This is the anguish I experienced whilst trapped within Zhen Shis nightmare realm, one I brought upon myself every time I severed a finger to spare myself even more suffering. This is a pain which stems from the spirit, only amplified a thousand times compared to what I experienced before, for severing a single finger is nothing in comparison to what I did to myself when creating thousands upon thousands of Natal Souls. The pain was always there, I only lacked the ability to perceive it, having closed myself off from my spirit and soul due to the presence of my Core, a realization which has implications far beyond what I can currently see.Thank the Heavens I was smart enough to limit myself to only a few thousand of them, else I might well have killed myself in the process. Then again, I never really set a hard limit on numbers, just went with what felt right, so maybe I knew how far I could push myself without really knowing it at all. Thats the problem with Insight, knowing without knowing. If you dont understand why you do what you do, it limits your ability to apply that knowledge in other areas.No pain, no gain, but pain is temporary, so I shove all these unwelcome sensations to the back of my mind and put a pause on any further progress to give myself some time to take stock of the situation and figure out what to do next. Gone is my Natal Palace alongside everything else within it, and I idly wish Id taken the time to say goodbye to my things before doing away with it all on a whim. More of my tendency to anthropomorphize things, because its silly to want to say goodbye to an object, but it is who I am. All thats left is Buddy, Blobby, and myself all immersed within the darkness of the Void, and I focus on them to avoid getting lost and disoriented by the sheer scale of nothingness around me. Neither of them seem all too bothered by this, though my sweet dog goes on alert and scans the surroundings, sensing something in the darkness of the Void that I cannot perceive. Nothing comes of it however save for a low, warning growl, while Blobby floats in place and emanates a general impression of dissatisfaction over what I assume is the loss of the fountain. My Spiritual Weapons are still there, for they are a part of me no different from my arms and legs rather than merely objects tied to my Core like before, which is great because I would hate to lose them a second time. Most importantly of all, the information kept on my PC Keystone is all tucked away safely, stored in the same place its always been stored, an unused part of my mind I previously only accessed with the Keystone. Going through it is daunting and perplexing to the extreme as everything flows through me all at once, but the human mind is a wonderful thing, even one as stunted and stupid as mine. In the blink of an eye that stretches on for hours, the information is all sorted and stored away in a more accessible manner, done so easily and effortlessly I couldnt even describe the process.In order to move forward, I have fallen back to the start, but this is all part and parcel of my path. Just like I told the Abbot, if we each must forge our own Path, then by definition, there can be no wrong steps, because every step is a part of your journey, including the parts where you backtrack after coming to a dead end. Failure is as much a part of life as success, and a far better teacher to boot, because I would never have known how to correct my mistakes had I not made them in the first place. Case in point, I know I cant just leave the entire reconstruction process to Heavenly Energy like Id been hoping to earlier, because then Id just be back where I started, with a closed-off Core and faulty Spiritual System, rendering all this suffering for naught. Instead, I need to rebuild myself to be better than I was before, and in order to do this, I need a plan and Heavenly Energy I can control.Thats the key word, control, and as I direct my Will to mending the metaphysical wounds left by my hasty deconstruction efforts and self-inflicted mutilations of the soul using the usable Heavenly Energy from Blobby, I realize the major difference between Chi and the raw Energy of the Heavens is merely one of volume. Much like water, there is no distinction in where one unit of Heavenly Energy ends and another begins, only a vast reservoir that comes together as a whole. Thus, attempting to utilize the raw Energy of the Heavens is akin to trying to shift the weight of the world all by your lonesome, a feat which requires a phenomenal effort of Will I lack even a scale to measure by, and one I assume is impossible for anyone short of a literal God. In contrast, when Martial Warriors channel Heavenly Energy into their Cores, theyre essentially going out and filling a cup with Heavenly Energy, and the reduced metaphysical mass renders it pliable to our Will. That being said, theres only so much you can do with a cup of water. Its still the same stuff as what you find in the lake, but youd be hard pressed to put out even a campfire one cup at a time.The long and short of it is that Blobbys freshly Cleansed Heavenly Energy is in the sweet spot where it possesses enough mass to Heal my injuries without too much direction, but not so much that my Will cannot direct it. If left untouched, Blobbys usable Heavenly Energy will eventually merge with the raw aggregate and become indistinguishable from the rest, the same way a raindrop on a window eventually flows back to the ocean in time. The Energy of the Heavens is like water in so many ways, and therein lies the answer Ive been searching for all this time. I must become water, in a metaphorical sense, not a literal hydro-man one. Just as there is no real distinction between where the sea ends and where the tributary begins, I must reconstruct myself so that there is no distinction between the Void and my Core, with the only difference between Chi and Heavenly Energy being one of location. An answer that is both simple and complex, but I just need to keep it simple, stupid.Alright then. Now I have a general sense of what to do, namely carving a working Spiritual System into my body, mind and soul all at once, a system which needs to be open and accessible to the Energy of the Heavens at all times. That being said, once this is done, how do I seize control of Heavenly Energy without having to pit my Will against the sum of it all?Or maybe Im looking at control the wrong way. I cant pit my Will against the Heavens, because I will lose every time, but thats not the only way to exert control. A waterwheel doesnt use water directly to work the grindstone, but rather harnesses the flow of water to do so, so if I want to control the Energy of the Heavens, I need to build myself a waterwheel. Or figure out the Panacea of Heavenly Energy. Or find some loophole in the rules to exploit and make myself harder, better, faster, strongerTheres more to all this, like how flow is important in a way I dont entirely understand, even after seeing it in action first-hand. The flow of Heavenly Energy when I meditate after training, of the flow of Chi as Li-Li executes her quick-draw attack, or as Yan compresses a tornado to fit inside a grape, or as Mila gathers the power of the sun inside her shield before firin her lazor.The flow of Spectres moving through the Void.Ha. You know what? I think I figured it all out, but only because Zhen Shis foul workings provided me with the perspective I needed. As thanks for helping me solve this issue, Ill be sure to give him a quick and painless death, which is more than he deserves, but what can I say? This is just the sort of person I am. Ruthless, yet merciful, a contradiction without conflict.And so, having discovered myself and Shattered the Void, I have taken the first step along my new Path. The next steps are near effortless thanks to all the groundwork I laid in advance, the culmination of all my efforts and hardships to date, with more than a little help from my innate genius and guidance from the Heavens Above. Thats the key to all this, Balance between what I know and what the Heavens are telling me, yet another answer thats been staring me in the face all along, but I only lacked the perspective to understand it. This is not a personal failing, I see this now, because in order to see this, to discover who I am, and to figure out what to do, I first had to become the man I am today.And that, more than anything, is the journey of life. Not trials and tribulations, but a journey of learning and self-discovery from start to end, and a beautiful one at that.Chapter Meme 1Chapter Meme 2
