Hello friends and lovers!
MAPPY CHAPPY DAY!!!
WELCOME TO ARC 3 EVERYONE!!!
CW:
SpoilerPanic attacks. Talk of melted murder and mutalation. sexism. mhmhm
[collapse]The Matron raised an eyebrow, but otherwise remains silent for a good minute. Only speaking when I don’t say more.
“Well… go on.” She motions with a hand, face a blank mask as her eyes dull to bare cinders of flitting color. “Elaborate. I’ll not give–”
“I know.” I hiss and move to sit in this little room’s desk chair. “Just… considering how best to shorten this. I don’t have all night to exchange information.”
She nods, and goes quiet.
Keep it simple. Give things drowning in truths and only obfuscate the key detail. Everything else given can just be layers and layers to hide my real past.
“I guess there isn’t much to tell. Honestly.” I huff performatively as I feel the words gather within me. “There was a book, a journal of sorts. It held a shard of Her. I was… well I guess you could say that I was the child to an important woman of the temple. It reached out and I was claimed. When I awoke the… the breeding m–”
Pain. I expected it, and know that the horrid revulsion can play so well into what I need here.
I gag and even feel sick rise to my mouth. Barely avoid vomiting all over the Matron’s too perfect boots. Even so it takes a few seconds for me to recover, and when I look up it’s to see that Veletross has moved to the little bedside table. Is pouring a glass of water before turning to approach and offer it to me.
I hesitate and wipe any nonsense that might be on my lips, then take the drink with a murmured. “Thank you.”
She only nods and moves back to her previous position on the bed. Asks after I’ve taken a small sip. “And the Temple’s duenna and Sangoma? How did they react to this?”
I shake my head. “Confused, mostly. There was nothing left but a little… like… foul smelling ash. I ran when I got the chance.”
The Matron looks back to the sleeping Sun Spoken’s still form. “How long has Emarial known?”
I set the drink aside. “The morning after she interrupted our second meeting. I told both her and Zigdara.”
“And… ah.” The Matron sighs. “You duenna wants you to return to the Temple with her. Not… Hm. Not for justice. But closure, most likely. They have no idea their male is dead. Think him instead stolen away and you an oddity who needs to explain her hastened escape.”
I nod.
The Matron tip-taps her new shimmering red arm’s probably razor sharp talons on her hip, considering. “This… Is quite the alluring lie, High Duenna.”
I stiffen. Cold fear jolting down my spine as my Hetaera mask splinters. “Wh– what!?! I… I’m not–”
“But…” She interrupts, glimmering cerulean-jade eyes alighting to hold me still. “If this is the lie you choose to tell, I’m enthralled to discover the truth.
I purse my lips and glare openly. “You accuse me of deception? Of… of admitting to… to murdering Lyttoral’s most treasured to hide… what? Some deeper and more sinister act?”
She smirks and holds up her good talon in placation. “Girl, when you live as long as I have, the lies of the young are as clear as the cracked moon above.
“You mean to use this nonsense as an excuse to withhold the information promised?” I growl.
“Not at all.” She shrugs, “But let this be a lesson to you, Sun Spoken. A lie can be more revealing than the truth. You’ve given an old woman such a puzzle that she’d not had for decades.”
I bristle at her words and glare harder.
She laughs and sighs. “Don’t be so furious at me. Were we enemies proper I wouldn’t have said a word. Would keep this secret as a knife to draw and gut you with at a later date.”
I flinch at her illustration of how she might hurt me. But that only seems to make her smile further.
“But… now it’s my turn to give you truths smothered with little deceptions.” She purrs. “Such perfect tests and lessons for one so young suddenly drowning in more power and responsibility than she may not be ready to bear.”
“Why not just… stop being horrid and help me?” I hiss. “You know I’m honest with my intentions.”
She waves a hand dismissively. “Just as many of the Sun Spoken we killed once were, before they slaughtered every male in a small port city's breeding temple.”
My anger drains from me like a freshly torn wound, causing me to jolt to a halt. “What? There were more than the two places for breeding? And… Why have I never heard of this happening? The stories I was told of the Sun Spoken were nothing but tales of heroes and radiant women battling dark monsters.”
She shrugs. “It was easier to simply consolidate all breeding males to larger and more well-guarded locations. And Spreading word that the Sun Spoken of old were moving to slaughter the few fertile males the lands have left would cause such a panic. And… despite their actions, Emarial and her elders did not wish to see their memories tarnished. Would rather see their order fade into only silly myths and distant memories.”
“Because she knew that they were broken by Her.” I whisper. “Hurt and pushed into doing as the shards demanded.”
“Just so.” The Matron nods. “And their dark plans didn’t stop there. They also…” The sudden silence startles me, and I look up to see such a look of disgust and anger on the Matron’s face.
“What?” I press. “What else?”
She sighs. “They did kill them. Every single one they got their mad hands on. But… Not immediately. A few were drug back to some ancient manor at the edge of the Weaver’s wood. Tormented and… and horribly mutilated in some dark experiment.”
“I… Why?”
The Matron shrugs. “That, I think, will be a question for our dear slumbering Sun Spoken when she rouses.”
I glare. “You mean to withhold this from me?”
“Not at all. I have my suspicions on what Emarial found there.” She looks back to give the big lady such an odd look. “But… she told no one anything beyond what I just shared. Not even her elders before using her newfound Wellspring to gouge that place to naught but cinders and ash before closing the gateway.”
“Fuck.” Is all I can huff as I bring fingers up to rub at the bridge of my nose. “And… Emarial said that she couldn’t find any other Sun Spoken along the Paths. Was that a lie? Or… Did she tell you something else?”
Tell you that she killed them?
The Matron looks back to me with a raised eyebrow. “She mentioned nothing of them. However, I’m aware of a silent pact to remain separate and only engage with Emarial when she returns to ensure no others have fallen into their shard’s enthrall. A total dissipation of their old order while silently informing a few key leaders to watch for signs of their kind moving in worrisome ways.”
“And…” I drum fingers on the desk I lean against. “Do you know what happened to Her? The Weaver, I mean. Why she hates them?”
“Should I?” The Matron’s eyes narrow a bit. “She is mad. Any reason She had is but shit covered slush at this point.”
I shake my head, almost pushed to a mirthless huffing laugh at her sudden crassness. “No. She… I saw…”
“Inaaaa…” The matron murmurs so softly and cruelly I can’t help but stiffen. “Whatever She shows you is nothing but Gemwaste. What possible salient reason could such a powerful Goddess have for hunting fertile males? Our species only births a few, to seek their total extermination is… well it's beyond malicious. Seems what She truly wishes is a slow and hollow end to us all.”
But Aceso's words roll through my mind in contradiction to this old cruel woman’s words…
“An endless curse,” She waves a hand out at the waters as they reach my armpits. “As endless as this sea. I could not kill them all, but I could make fucking sure they would choke on my power. For when a monster or parasite feels the spark of MY Amwella, It will forevermore corrode their body and mind. Ensuring no one will see such a thing as naught but what they are.”
“She… Was it always like that?” I can’t help but murmur aloud.
Veletross tilts her head. “Always like what?”
“I’ll keep My final promise. I will see all his beloved little monsters either dead or writhing in torment! None he would call his heirs will survive in the world I wrenched back from his Blight!!!”
“Nothing.” I shake my head. “You’re right. I do want to help Her but… I feel the wounds getting in the way of that. It’s easy to see how she has to think around them to even converse with me at times. I’ll need to compare what She’s told me to what Emarial knows. ”
The Matron nods slowly. “A wise plan.”
A dozen or so heartbeats pass as I pull myself back from what could be a long silent effort to piece everything together. “Thank you for your time, Matron Veletross of Rell. That will be all for tonight, I think.”
She's suddenly studying me very intently. “Of course, High duenna Inamatorii. Call upon me at any hour should you find yourself in need of my advice or… services.”
I can’t help but snort and roll my eyes, uncaring suddenly at such a horrid shattering of my Hetaera mask. “I doubt I’ll require either, but… your words hold to the spirit of our agreement.”
She smirks, and exits while speaking in perfectly clear and almost songlike Arudian. “Remain sharp and aware of the wind’s howling as this storm fast approaches.”
After I hear the distinctive sound of the front door closing, I take such a deep and steadying breath while moving to slump into the chair she was using. Can’t help but just… focus on taking deep and steadying gulps of air.
Don’t even notice my duenna kneeling before me before she reaches out to touch my fingers and whispers softly. “Ina?”
I flinch, but quickly snatch up her offered hand before she pulls back in worry. “Zigdara I… fuck. I’m sorry. I just… I needed to know. Needed to… to make sure she wouldn’t like… but…”
“What happened?” Zigdara moves a touch closer, tilts her head to get a better view of my face. “What did you tell her?”
I huff and choke down an unexpected sob. “I told her I… I killed the person you’re looking for when I was claimed. That it was an accident. But… but she said she knows I was lying but… but says it all as a fun fucking puzzle and… and I… I don’t know if this was worth it. If what she told me was worth exposing myself to her attentions!”
Zigdara nods, squeezes my hands. “No, You… You handled it well. She was already interested in you. Regardless of what you learned, I think the information you gained was worth more than what you gave her.”
“I shouldn’t have sent you away.” I’m almost shouting now. Not… I’m not angry. Just… fuck it’s getting hard to breath. “I’m sorry that… that was stupid and reckless and… and fuck. She could have killed me there, couldn’t she?”
“I would have preferred to be at your side when around her but… I saw no gain, motive, or signs of her attacking you again. Else I would have remained.” She murmurs softly. “Regardless of your wishes.”
“Fuck. But… but now she… she’s going to be actively trying to figure out my past!” Breath turns shallow. Getting harder and harder to pull in with each moment. “Trying to… to see the old me. The person I never was but… but was promised to help give the land more children but… but abandoned and… and…”
“Deep breaths, Inamatorii.” Zigdara insists.
Like a crack of thunder my name snaps me back a bit. Helps me focus on the swell of terror I didn’t realize was fast rising.
“I… I also told her that I promised to go back someday.” I whisper, trying so hard to get this all out as fast as possible as my voice gets more and more strained. “To… to help give… give people closure.”
I expect Zigdara to stiffen. To… to say…
“Only if you wish it,” Are the impossible words she offers me. “No other reason.”
“B– but… but you… you said…” I stammer through choking huffs of what I now realize to be a panic the likes I’ve not felt since… since a while! Why now!?! I’ve faced the Weaver and The Matron and even this cunt of a Sun Spoken and never broken down like this!
“I was wrong. And I spoke without care.” She sighs and moves to settle and sit on the floor in front of me. Is so tall that her head still hovers well above my knees as she wraps big arms up mine. “I never told you, but on that first night Yrelia came to me. Shared wisdom I did not earn. The words she spoke to you when you first told them about your past.”
“Oh.” I whisper, breath finally steadying a little.
“This is your life, you deserve to live it.” My duenna says without a hint of anything but determination.
Some damn I’d not realized I’d been reinforcing with flawed assurances and worrying at what Zigdara wanted from me just… cracks as I hear her speak Yrelia’s words. Starts with a stream of tears before just… dissolving me into a puddle. A weeping mess of half-whimpered thank yous to this woman from my past just… accepting me. I can’t help it. I fall apart. End up at some point sliding to the floor and into her big warm arms.
It takes me a while, but… eventually I settle. Very glad that there is probably very little in the lands that could rouse the still sleeping Sun Spoken in the room with us.
“Thank you.” I murmur again while pulling away. Take a second to wipe the muck and snot and moisture from my face. “I… I don’t know why I fell apart there.”
Zigdara only holds me close. “When was the last time you cried like this? Or even partially like this?”
I shrug. “Don’t remember. Months ago? I mean… I fell apart when Emarial first threatened me but… that was different. More fear and hopelessness than whatever this is.”
“Not even with your lovers?”
I shake my head. “Been… been too busy to stop and waste time with that. Whatever pain I’m feeling doesn’t matter as much as… as all this nonsense that I need to fix!”
She sighs. “You’ve been trying to shoulder many weights, Ina. It’s important to find times for the stress and fears to escape, otherwise… They might erupt at bad times or in worse ways.”
I nod slowly, remembering so well just how… how broken and tired Emarial always looked.
“You’re right.” I murmur. “Thank you, again. Seriously. This… It… I’m thinking clearer now.”
Her expression remains soft but… goes a bit serious. “And Ina?”
“Mhm?”
“Your pain does matter.” Zigdara says so firmly I can’t help but go still and just… stare.
“Huh?”
“Your pain matters.” She repeats, emphasizing the words. “You deserve to heal, and find peace. Never… There are some burdens it is good that you wish to shoulder. Responsibilities only you can bear due to your nature as Sun Spoken. But the wounds of these lands and her people are not yours to mend.”
I huff and slump. “Yeah. Maybe. But… I broke the Obelisks and… and If I don’t fix this a lot of people could get hurt.”
She shrugs. “Certainly. But… They are only your responsibility because you wish to help. Not because you are somehow obligated. The people who placed and maintained them are those who bear the weight of the blame.”
I move to stand, thinking on her words. Take a second to wipe away any leftover nonsense and do a big stretch while she rises. “I… get what you’re saying. And it makes sense. I think?”
“Simply… something I’ve come to hold close.” Then her face turns to Emarial’s sleeping form. “A bit of advice from an old Sun Spoken. When we traveled the Paths it… the disappearances of you and Hitorra weighed heavy on me. And she recognized my distress for what it was. Guilt. Shame for things I did not cause, and chose to try and correct.”
I follow her gaze and let out a sigh. “Did it help?”
She chuckles. “Probably only a little. I was still so angry and… and weary. Sapped by the long road and growing chill of Arudia. The cold winds of these lands are not something I will be sad to forget.”
A little giggle escapes my lips. Not because it was funny but… because of how much I agree with her! The snow and chill was neat at first but… no longer. I literally Dream of warmer places.
“Ina…” Zigdara murmurs, a sudden seriousness crossing her face. “I… I don’t expect you to know anything about it but I’d like to ask. Just to settle my heart.”
I turn back to her, take up one of her big warm hands in both of mine. “Of course. Anything.”
She takes such a deep breath then. “Do you know anything about Hitorra? What might have happened to him?”
Oh. The other… the monster that went missing from the Lyttoral temple? About… a year before I did?
I shake my head. “No. Nothing. I’m sorry. I’ve… we were never really close. Not since we were little and enjoyed the beach together. Played pretend at…”
At being Sun Spoken. Then I do laugh, and it hurts. Even brings tears to my eyes.
“Oh… oh fuck. I’m so sorry.” I stammer. “You never found out what happened and… and you only found me by chance.”
Zigdara clasps my hand in hers. “It’s alright, Ina.”
Deep breath, and wipe away at the new tears. “Fuck. I wish I could… I dunno. Find out what happened.”
She sighs and pats my hands. “Thank you. But as with me that burden is not a thing we are obligated to shoulder. I did my duty and the failure was not due to my own faults.”
I nod. “It wasn’t. Really. It was so sudden. You searched for as long as you could.”
Zigdara nods, and I can just make out what I hope to be real acceptance of our words. “I just… finding you makes me hope he’s at least safe. Maybe… maybe even happy. In his final days at the temple there was a worry over his health.”
I quirk my head. “Oh?”
“He was filled with melancholy and… worse. Started spending his resting days just… watching the sea. Stopped interacting with others unless asked to. Seemed… I’m not sure.”
“I… I wasn’t very good at paying attention to the others. Were you two close?”
“Not specifically. The duenna rotated between charges, and I’d only just moved out of managing him and another three’s safety. Volunteered to lead the hunt since my current group only had two charges.”
I nod. “Yeah. I noticed that. Didn’t think much about it. But… heard that some at the temple grew close to duenna or other caretakers. I didn’t for… obvious reasons. Except with um… well it wasn’t really something I enjoyed. It’s hard to want physical intimacy when you can’t stand your own body.”
She winces. “I’m sorry.”
With a shrug I turn to hide my obvious discomfort. “It’s… behind me. I just hope that no others suffer from that. The… what did Jevita and Kque call it?”
“Dysphoria.” Zigdara steps up to follow as I move to leave. “And… while this land is strange and filled with its own troubles, I’ll always appreciate its understanding in this. Their explanations truly broke what could have been weeks of stubbornness in me. Brought and reinforced by ignorance and misunderstanding the pain you endured.”
I take up her hand again at that, can barely murmur and soft. “Thanks” without stirring up even more sensitive emotions as we head back to the manor.
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Hello friends and lovers!
MAPPY CHAPPY DAY!!!
WELCOME TO ARC 3 EVERYONE!!!
CW:
SpoilerPanic attacks. Talk of melted murder and mutalation. sexism. mhmhm
[collapse]The Matron raised an eyebrow, but otherwise remains silent for a good minute. Only speaking when I don’t say more.
“Well… go on.” She motions with a hand, face a blank mask as her eyes dull to bare cinders of flitting color. “Elaborate. I’ll not give–”
“I know.” I hiss and move to sit in this little room’s desk chair. “Just… considering how best to shorten this. I don’t have all night to exchange information.”
She nods, and goes quiet.
Keep it simple. Give things drowning in truths and only obfuscate the key detail. Everything else given can just be layers and layers to hide my real past.
“I guess there isn’t much to tell. Honestly.” I huff performatively as I feel the words gather within me. “There was a book, a journal of sorts. It held a shard of Her. I was… well I guess you could say that I was the child to an important woman of the temple. It reached out and I was claimed. When I awoke the… the breeding m–”
Pain. I expected it, and know that the horrid revulsion can play so well into what I need here.
I gag and even feel sick rise to my mouth. Barely avoid vomiting all over the Matron’s too perfect boots. Even so it takes a few seconds for me to recover, and when I look up it’s to see that Veletross has moved to the little bedside table. Is pouring a glass of water before turning to approach and offer it to me.
I hesitate and wipe any nonsense that might be on my lips, then take the drink with a murmured. “Thank you.”
She only nods and moves back to her previous position on the bed. Asks after I’ve taken a small sip. “And the Temple’s duenna and Sangoma? How did they react to this?”
I shake my head. “Confused, mostly. There was nothing left but a little… like… foul smelling ash. I ran when I got the chance.”
The Matron looks back to the sleeping Sun Spoken’s still form. “How long has Emarial known?”
I set the drink aside. “The morning after she interrupted our second meeting. I told both her and Zigdara.”
“And… ah.” The Matron sighs. “You duenna wants you to return to the Temple with her. Not… Hm. Not for justice. But closure, most likely. They have no idea their male is dead. Think him instead stolen away and you an oddity who needs to explain her hastened escape.”
I nod.
The Matron tip-taps her new shimmering red arm’s probably razor sharp talons on her hip, considering. “This… Is quite the alluring lie, High Duenna.”
I stiffen. Cold fear jolting down my spine as my Hetaera mask splinters. “Wh– what!?! I… I’m not–”
“But…” She interrupts, glimmering cerulean-jade eyes alighting to hold me still. “If this is the lie you choose to tell, I’m enthralled to discover the truth.
I purse my lips and glare openly. “You accuse me of deception? Of… of admitting to… to murdering Lyttoral’s most treasured to hide… what? Some deeper and more sinister act?”
She smirks and holds up her good talon in placation. “Girl, when you live as long as I have, the lies of the young are as clear as the cracked moon above.
“You mean to use this nonsense as an excuse to withhold the information promised?” I growl.
“Not at all.” She shrugs, “But let this be a lesson to you, Sun Spoken. A lie can be more revealing than the truth. You’ve given an old woman such a puzzle that she’d not had for decades.”
I bristle at her words and glare harder.
She laughs and sighs. “Don’t be so furious at me. Were we enemies proper I wouldn’t have said a word. Would keep this secret as a knife to draw and gut you with at a later date.”
I flinch at her illustration of how she might hurt me. But that only seems to make her smile further.
“But… now it’s my turn to give you truths smothered with little deceptions.” She purrs. “Such perfect tests and lessons for one so young suddenly drowning in more power and responsibility than she may not be ready to bear.”
“Why not just… stop being horrid and help me?” I hiss. “You know I’m honest with my intentions.”
She waves a hand dismissively. “Just as many of the Sun Spoken we killed once were, before they slaughtered every male in a small port city's breeding temple.”
My anger drains from me like a freshly torn wound, causing me to jolt to a halt. “What? There were more than the two places for breeding? And… Why have I never heard of this happening? The stories I was told of the Sun Spoken were nothing but tales of heroes and radiant women battling dark monsters.”
She shrugs. “It was easier to simply consolidate all breeding males to larger and more well-guarded locations. And Spreading word that the Sun Spoken of old were moving to slaughter the few fertile males the lands have left would cause such a panic. And… despite their actions, Emarial and her elders did not wish to see their memories tarnished. Would rather see their order fade into only silly myths and distant memories.”
“Because she knew that they were broken by Her.” I whisper. “Hurt and pushed into doing as the shards demanded.”
“Just so.” The Matron nods. “And their dark plans didn’t stop there. They also…” The sudden silence startles me, and I look up to see such a look of disgust and anger on the Matron’s face.
“What?” I press. “What else?”
She sighs. “They did kill them. Every single one they got their mad hands on. But… Not immediately. A few were drug back to some ancient manor at the edge of the Weaver’s wood. Tormented and… and horribly mutilated in some dark experiment.”
“I… Why?”
The Matron shrugs. “That, I think, will be a question for our dear slumbering Sun Spoken when she rouses.”
I glare. “You mean to withhold this from me?”
“Not at all. I have my suspicions on what Emarial found there.” She looks back to give the big lady such an odd look. “But… she told no one anything beyond what I just shared. Not even her elders before using her newfound Wellspring to gouge that place to naught but cinders and ash before closing the gateway.”
“Fuck.” Is all I can huff as I bring fingers up to rub at the bridge of my nose. “And… Emarial said that she couldn’t find any other Sun Spoken along the Paths. Was that a lie? Or… Did she tell you something else?”
Tell you that she killed them?
The Matron looks back to me with a raised eyebrow. “She mentioned nothing of them. However, I’m aware of a silent pact to remain separate and only engage with Emarial when she returns to ensure no others have fallen into their shard’s enthrall. A total dissipation of their old order while silently informing a few key leaders to watch for signs of their kind moving in worrisome ways.”
“And…” I drum fingers on the desk I lean against. “Do you know what happened to Her? The Weaver, I mean. Why she hates them?”
“Should I?” The Matron’s eyes narrow a bit. “She is mad. Any reason She had is but shit covered slush at this point.”
I shake my head, almost pushed to a mirthless huffing laugh at her sudden crassness. “No. She… I saw…”
“Inaaaa…” The matron murmurs so softly and cruelly I can’t help but stiffen. “Whatever She shows you is nothing but Gemwaste. What possible salient reason could such a powerful Goddess have for hunting fertile males? Our species only births a few, to seek their total extermination is… well it's beyond malicious. Seems what She truly wishes is a slow and hollow end to us all.”
But Aceso's words roll through my mind in contradiction to this old cruel woman’s words…
“An endless curse,” She waves a hand out at the waters as they reach my armpits. “As endless as this sea. I could not kill them all, but I could make fucking sure they would choke on my power. For when a monster or parasite feels the spark of MY Amwella, It will forevermore corrode their body and mind. Ensuring no one will see such a thing as naught but what they are.”
“She… Was it always like that?” I can’t help but murmur aloud.
Veletross tilts her head. “Always like what?”
“I’ll keep My final promise. I will see all his beloved little monsters either dead or writhing in torment! None he would call his heirs will survive in the world I wrenched back from his Blight!!!”
“Nothing.” I shake my head. “You’re right. I do want to help Her but… I feel the wounds getting in the way of that. It’s easy to see how she has to think around them to even converse with me at times. I’ll need to compare what She’s told me to what Emarial knows. ”
The Matron nods slowly. “A wise plan.”
A dozen or so heartbeats pass as I pull myself back from what could be a long silent effort to piece everything together. “Thank you for your time, Matron Veletross of Rell. That will be all for tonight, I think.”
She's suddenly studying me very intently. “Of course, High duenna Inamatorii. Call upon me at any hour should you find yourself in need of my advice or… services.”
I can’t help but snort and roll my eyes, uncaring suddenly at such a horrid shattering of my Hetaera mask. “I doubt I’ll require either, but… your words hold to the spirit of our agreement.”
She smirks, and exits while speaking in perfectly clear and almost songlike Arudian. “Remain sharp and aware of the wind’s howling as this storm fast approaches.”
After I hear the distinctive sound of the front door closing, I take such a deep and steadying breath while moving to slump into the chair she was using. Can’t help but just… focus on taking deep and steadying gulps of air.
Don’t even notice my duenna kneeling before me before she reaches out to touch my fingers and whispers softly. “Ina?”
I flinch, but quickly snatch up her offered hand before she pulls back in worry. “Zigdara I… fuck. I’m sorry. I just… I needed to know. Needed to… to make sure she wouldn’t like… but…”
“What happened?” Zigdara moves a touch closer, tilts her head to get a better view of my face. “What did you tell her?”
I huff and choke down an unexpected sob. “I told her I… I killed the person you’re looking for when I was claimed. That it was an accident. But… but she said she knows I was lying but… but says it all as a fun fucking puzzle and… and I… I don’t know if this was worth it. If what she told me was worth exposing myself to her attentions!”
Zigdara nods, squeezes my hands. “No, You… You handled it well. She was already interested in you. Regardless of what you learned, I think the information you gained was worth more than what you gave her.”
“I shouldn’t have sent you away.” I’m almost shouting now. Not… I’m not angry. Just… fuck it’s getting hard to breath. “I’m sorry that… that was stupid and reckless and… and fuck. She could have killed me there, couldn’t she?”
“I would have preferred to be at your side when around her but… I saw no gain, motive, or signs of her attacking you again. Else I would have remained.” She murmurs softly. “Regardless of your wishes.”
“Fuck. But… but now she… she’s going to be actively trying to figure out my past!” Breath turns shallow. Getting harder and harder to pull in with each moment. “Trying to… to see the old me. The person I never was but… but was promised to help give the land more children but… but abandoned and… and…”
“Deep breaths, Inamatorii.” Zigdara insists.
Like a crack of thunder my name snaps me back a bit. Helps me focus on the swell of terror I didn’t realize was fast rising.
“I… I also told her that I promised to go back someday.” I whisper, trying so hard to get this all out as fast as possible as my voice gets more and more strained. “To… to help give… give people closure.”
I expect Zigdara to stiffen. To… to say…
“Only if you wish it,” Are the impossible words she offers me. “No other reason.”
“B– but… but you… you said…” I stammer through choking huffs of what I now realize to be a panic the likes I’ve not felt since… since a while! Why now!?! I’ve faced the Weaver and The Matron and even this cunt of a Sun Spoken and never broken down like this!
“I was wrong. And I spoke without care.” She sighs and moves to settle and sit on the floor in front of me. Is so tall that her head still hovers well above my knees as she wraps big arms up mine. “I never told you, but on that first night Yrelia came to me. Shared wisdom I did not earn. The words she spoke to you when you first told them about your past.”
“Oh.” I whisper, breath finally steadying a little.
“This is your life, you deserve to live it.” My duenna says without a hint of anything but determination.
Some damn I’d not realized I’d been reinforcing with flawed assurances and worrying at what Zigdara wanted from me just… cracks as I hear her speak Yrelia’s words. Starts with a stream of tears before just… dissolving me into a puddle. A weeping mess of half-whimpered thank yous to this woman from my past just… accepting me. I can’t help it. I fall apart. End up at some point sliding to the floor and into her big warm arms.
It takes me a while, but… eventually I settle. Very glad that there is probably very little in the lands that could rouse the still sleeping Sun Spoken in the room with us.
“Thank you.” I murmur again while pulling away. Take a second to wipe the muck and snot and moisture from my face. “I… I don’t know why I fell apart there.”
Zigdara only holds me close. “When was the last time you cried like this? Or even partially like this?”
I shrug. “Don’t remember. Months ago? I mean… I fell apart when Emarial first threatened me but… that was different. More fear and hopelessness than whatever this is.”
“Not even with your lovers?”
I shake my head. “Been… been too busy to stop and waste time with that. Whatever pain I’m feeling doesn’t matter as much as… as all this nonsense that I need to fix!”
She sighs. “You’ve been trying to shoulder many weights, Ina. It’s important to find times for the stress and fears to escape, otherwise… They might erupt at bad times or in worse ways.”
I nod slowly, remembering so well just how… how broken and tired Emarial always looked.
“You’re right.” I murmur. “Thank you, again. Seriously. This… It… I’m thinking clearer now.”
Her expression remains soft but… goes a bit serious. “And Ina?”
“Mhm?”
“Your pain does matter.” Zigdara says so firmly I can’t help but go still and just… stare.
“Huh?”
“Your pain matters.” She repeats, emphasizing the words. “You deserve to heal, and find peace. Never… There are some burdens it is good that you wish to shoulder. Responsibilities only you can bear due to your nature as Sun Spoken. But the wounds of these lands and her people are not yours to mend.”
I huff and slump. “Yeah. Maybe. But… I broke the Obelisks and… and If I don’t fix this a lot of people could get hurt.”
She shrugs. “Certainly. But… They are only your responsibility because you wish to help. Not because you are somehow obligated. The people who placed and maintained them are those who bear the weight of the blame.”
I move to stand, thinking on her words. Take a second to wipe away any leftover nonsense and do a big stretch while she rises. “I… get what you’re saying. And it makes sense. I think?”
“Simply… something I’ve come to hold close.” Then her face turns to Emarial’s sleeping form. “A bit of advice from an old Sun Spoken. When we traveled the Paths it… the disappearances of you and Hitorra weighed heavy on me. And she recognized my distress for what it was. Guilt. Shame for things I did not cause, and chose to try and correct.”
I follow her gaze and let out a sigh. “Did it help?”
She chuckles. “Probably only a little. I was still so angry and… and weary. Sapped by the long road and growing chill of Arudia. The cold winds of these lands are not something I will be sad to forget.”
A little giggle escapes my lips. Not because it was funny but… because of how much I agree with her! The snow and chill was neat at first but… no longer. I literally Dream of warmer places.
“Ina…” Zigdara murmurs, a sudden seriousness crossing her face. “I… I don’t expect you to know anything about it but I’d like to ask. Just to settle my heart.”
I turn back to her, take up one of her big warm hands in both of mine. “Of course. Anything.”
She takes such a deep breath then. “Do you know anything about Hitorra? What might have happened to him?”
Oh. The other… the monster that went missing from the Lyttoral temple? About… a year before I did?
I shake my head. “No. Nothing. I’m sorry. I’ve… we were never really close. Not since we were little and enjoyed the beach together. Played pretend at…”
At being Sun Spoken. Then I do laugh, and it hurts. Even brings tears to my eyes.
“Oh… oh fuck. I’m so sorry.” I stammer. “You never found out what happened and… and you only found me by chance.”
Zigdara clasps my hand in hers. “It’s alright, Ina.”
Deep breath, and wipe away at the new tears. “Fuck. I wish I could… I dunno. Find out what happened.”
She sighs and pats my hands. “Thank you. But as with me that burden is not a thing we are obligated to shoulder. I did my duty and the failure was not due to my own faults.”
I nod. “It wasn’t. Really. It was so sudden. You searched for as long as you could.”
Zigdara nods, and I can just make out what I hope to be real acceptance of our words. “I just… finding you makes me hope he’s at least safe. Maybe… maybe even happy. In his final days at the temple there was a worry over his health.”
I quirk my head. “Oh?”
“He was filled with melancholy and… worse. Started spending his resting days just… watching the sea. Stopped interacting with others unless asked to. Seemed… I’m not sure.”
“I… I wasn’t very good at paying attention to the others. Were you two close?”
“Not specifically. The duenna rotated between charges, and I’d only just moved out of managing him and another three’s safety. Volunteered to lead the hunt since my current group only had two charges.”
I nod. “Yeah. I noticed that. Didn’t think much about it. But… heard that some at the temple grew close to duenna or other caretakers. I didn’t for… obvious reasons. Except with um… well it wasn’t really something I enjoyed. It’s hard to want physical intimacy when you can’t stand your own body.”
She winces. “I’m sorry.”
With a shrug I turn to hide my obvious discomfort. “It’s… behind me. I just hope that no others suffer from that. The… what did Jevita and Kque call it?”
“Dysphoria.” Zigdara steps up to follow as I move to leave. “And… while this land is strange and filled with its own troubles, I’ll always appreciate its understanding in this. Their explanations truly broke what could have been weeks of stubbornness in me. Brought and reinforced by ignorance and misunderstanding the pain you endured.”
I take up her hand again at that, can barely murmur and soft. “Thanks” without stirring up even more sensitive emotions as we head back to the manor.
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