When you ask somebody to create a visual representation of complete fear, you will often be faced with scenes where people are standing eye to eye with a lion, hanging from a skyscraper, or with a gun to their head. These are all cases where the source of fear is some kind of immediate physical danger. What I feared most right now was that slight smile hidden beneath a jungle of unkempt hairs, the slightly downturned eyes, and the fatherly face they formed. Because there was no way this man would ever threaten my bodily integrity, it was my emotional integrity I was worried about.
“What is it?” my father asked from the other side of the booth.
I felt myself biting my lip, bouncing my leg, tapping my fingers, and fighting some kind of demon that was making its way through my stomach into my throat, all at the same time. My father’s hand was slowly moving over the table, clearly in an attempt to cover mine. But as soon as I noticed this, I pulled my hands back under the table.
“So… The thing… The details… That I was hiding?” I slowly managed to stammer out.
My father threw me a comforting nod.
“I don’t think I… I’m not a… I…”
Inside my head, I was screaming, “WHY IS THIS SO FLIPPING HARD!”
A deep breath.
“I think I’m transgender,” I managed to blurt out.
My hands were clenched, and I closed my eyes as I was paralyzed by fear. Surely my father’s face had turned red, while his eyes must have been filled with anger.
However, a surprisingly calm-sounding voice entered my ears; “Hmmm, that’s not where I saw this going.”
Opening my eyes back, I was met by my father's inquisitive gaze, directed toward the ceiling as if he was contemplating some abstract piece of art sketched between the hardwood beams. While sitting there motionless myself, he looked back down and raised his finger.
“Oh! That’s what that weird Emily thing was about when Riley answered the phone!”
“Uhm… yeah…” I sheepishly responded.
“It all makes so much sense, the weird phone call with Riley, the lashing out, and of course that all-female gaming tournament.”
My fear was slowly making way for a feeling of embarrassment. I was lucky that the man was so incredibly oblivious because I had not been hiding this from him all that well.
He started putting his fingers together as if he were a photographer measuring out a shot. “I think you could pull it off; you’ve always been a bit of a runt after all.”
“I’m serious,” I said with a tinge of annoyance in my voice. It clearly is not coming across as decisive as I would have wanted.
“Hey, it’s all going to be fine, son. As long as there are no arms or legs stuck in the fish gutter, we can get ourselves through this.”
It’s weird, while it definitely feels kinda shitty to hear him still use the word ‘Son’, it’s also clear that he means well. It definitely helped me calm down, that’s for sure.
“Thanks, Dad,” I said with a slight grin on my face. “Could we please keep this between us for now? I’m kind of afraid of what Mom would say.”
“No word about this to your mom, got it,” he responded with an obvious wink. “But only on one condition.” He said, reaching for the tall glass of soda in front of him.
“Hmmm?” I tilted my head.
He raised his glass to his mouth and took a big swig of soda before answering. “You are going to apologize to Riley and get your best friend back.”
A shiver traveled down my spine as the anger I still felt towards her resurfaced. I wanted to just say no, I don’t care about her anymore.
“But she-”
“Withheld some very important and personal information from you while sharing it with someone else who would be less directly affected by this information?”
“Yes! She is-”
“Doing the same thing as you just did by telling me about this whole Emily thing while keeping it a secret from your mother?”
“It’s not the same!” I protested, taking a big swig of sugary soda myself, almost spilling some on my shirt in the process.
“Not the same, but close enough,” another wink from my father. “Let me put it simply, when I come to watch you at that gaming tournament in Battingham next week, I’m expecting your best friend Riley to be there as well.”
I swallowed, but not for the soda this time. I had just kind of promised Arthur that I would see him next instead of going to the tournament. But I didn’t want to involve my dad in even more personal drama. So instead of making a fuss, I simply nodded in agreement while giving him a slight sigh.
"Now, finish that soda of yours; I need to know if Captain Frost can hold off the Germans at that bridge."
***
“Time to go, Jason!” My dad yelled up the stairs. I was pushing my last few things deeper into my backpack, attempting to create enough space on top so that the zipper would actually close. When I finally managed to push my toiletries down enough that the zipper closed, I quickly slung the backpack across my shoulder and made my way down the stairs. As I made eye contact with my father, I raised my eyebrows in silence, as if to make a point about something.
“Oh, yeah, Emily,” he rolled his eyes. “It’s been 15 years, okay? Just give me a bit of time to adapt.”
“Thanks,” I gave him a quick hug before heading out to load my stuff into the rover. Down here in Boston, you could sometimes smell the salty air coming from the ocean, and today was no different.
While this weekend definitely hadn’t gone the way I anticipated ahead of time, in the end, it turned out pretty good. Now I just needed to figure out how to untangle the rest of the mess that had become my social life. My dad might have been a bit rough with me, calling me a massive hypocrite and all. But I could kind of understand where he was coming from. Or better yet, where Riley was coming from. As she was priority number 1 right now. I had exactly one week to get her back on my side, and after that, things would suddenly get a lot more complicated.
“Got everything?” My dad asked as he sat down next to me in the Rover.
“Yup,” I nodded. And with that, he closed his door and started the car. As I looked out of the window, the Boston suburbs passed us one by one: Everett, Malden, Medford, and before I knew it, we were back on the familiar I-93.
It’s weird, for the last few weeks I have been feeling like this whole transgender thing has been this huge thing that is and will be affecting every single aspect of my life. And I assumed that after telling my dad, this would change everything about how he would see me, treat me, and think about me. But while it had only been one day ago when I told him, he seemed completely unfazed. He was honestly treating me no differently than he was before.
Had all my worry been for nothing? If I told my mother, would she respond the same? What about all the other people in my life? Would they be just as indifferent? Why was making this so much more complicated than it had to be?
So many questions, and this familiar pattern of trees surely wasn’t going to give me any answers.
Looking down at my phone instead, I eventually found my finger hovering over my text thread with Riley. The fact that there had been no messages at all in there for the last 3 days was already strange, let alone the clear evidence of my ghosting from the 3 days before that. I could feel a knot form deep down in my stomach. I had really messed up, hadn't I?
For the slightest second, I debated with myself if I should text her, but there was no way I could say what I wanted to say over text. However easy it might have been to avoid confronting her directly this way, there was no way she was going to accept an apology over text.
Shifting my focus back to the tunes of AC-DC that were currently bouncing through the almost vintage truck, I was about to lock my phone. Right before my finger reached the right side of my phone, however, a Discord notification popped down; it was Arthur.
ARMACH: I got some great news!
NOBLIN: ?
ARMACH: So I talked to the boys, and our offlane player Damian is going to be MIA due to needing to focus on college next semester. I suggest we ask you to try out for the team, and I actually managed to get them to agree. I explained that you are actually pretty decent for a girl, and they are willing to give it a shot. Mike lined up some Scrimms for next week when you’re here, but I'm sure you are going to do great ;)
After taking in the words that now populated my screen, I let out a deep breath through my nose. While my lips curled inwards and my mind quickly concluded that my streak of disappointing people was long from over. Because while I didn’t want to admit it, somewhere inside I did feel incredibly humbled. His team was clearly miles ahead of our pathetic excuse of a squad. Furthermore, one couldn’t deny that female teams were always behind their male counterparts.
Looking to my left, however, I could see my father's grin while he was slowly nodding along to the opening of Deep Purple’s "Smoke on the Water" that had just started playing. He was going to see me play next week, and that was way more important than whatever Arthur was offering right now. I’m sure he would understand.
NOBLIN: I don’t actually think I'm going to make it next week. Decided to go and play the tournament with the girls anyway. Maybe we can talk about it afterwards?
ARMACH: That’s just stupid, I know you know better than to turn this down. You’re not like the other girls.
When you ask somebody to create a visual representation of complete fear, you will often be faced with scenes where people are standing eye to eye with a lion, hanging from a skyscraper, or with a gun to their head. These are all cases where the source of fear is some kind of immediate physical danger. What I feared most right now was that slight smile hidden beneath a jungle of unkempt hairs, the slightly downturned eyes, and the fatherly face they formed. Because there was no way this man would ever threaten my bodily integrity, it was my emotional integrity I was worried about.
“What is it?” my father asked from the other side of the booth.
I felt myself biting my lip, bouncing my leg, tapping my fingers, and fighting some kind of demon that was making its way through my stomach into my throat, all at the same time. My father’s hand was slowly moving over the table, clearly in an attempt to cover mine. But as soon as I noticed this, I pulled my hands back under the table.
“So… The thing… The details… That I was hiding?” I slowly managed to stammer out.
My father threw me a comforting nod.
“I don’t think I… I’m not a… I…”
Inside my head, I was screaming, “WHY IS THIS SO FLIPPING HARD!”
A deep breath.
“I think I’m transgender,” I managed to blurt out.
My hands were clenched, and I closed my eyes as I was paralyzed by fear. Surely my father’s face had turned red, while his eyes must have been filled with anger.
However, a surprisingly calm-sounding voice entered my ears; “Hmmm, that’s not where I saw this going.”
Opening my eyes back, I was met by my father's inquisitive gaze, directed toward the ceiling as if he was contemplating some abstract piece of art sketched between the hardwood beams. While sitting there motionless myself, he looked back down and raised his finger.
“Oh! That’s what that weird Emily thing was about when Riley answered the phone!”
“Uhm… yeah…” I sheepishly responded.
“It all makes so much sense, the weird phone call with Riley, the lashing out, and of course that all-female gaming tournament.”
My fear was slowly making way for a feeling of embarrassment. I was lucky that the man was so incredibly oblivious because I had not been hiding this from him all that well.
He started putting his fingers together as if he were a photographer measuring out a shot. “I think you could pull it off; you’ve always been a bit of a runt after all.”
“I’m serious,” I said with a tinge of annoyance in my voice. It clearly is not coming across as decisive as I would have wanted.
“Hey, it’s all going to be fine, son. As long as there are no arms or legs stuck in the fish gutter, we can get ourselves through this.”
It’s weird, while it definitely feels kinda shitty to hear him still use the word ‘Son’, it’s also clear that he means well. It definitely helped me calm down, that’s for sure.
“Thanks, Dad,” I said with a slight grin on my face. “Could we please keep this between us for now? I’m kind of afraid of what Mom would say.”
“No word about this to your mom, got it,” he responded with an obvious wink. “But only on one condition.” He said, reaching for the tall glass of soda in front of him.
“Hmmm?” I tilted my head.
He raised his glass to his mouth and took a big swig of soda before answering. “You are going to apologize to Riley and get your best friend back.”
A shiver traveled down my spine as the anger I still felt towards her resurfaced. I wanted to just say no, I don’t care about her anymore.
“But she-”
“Withheld some very important and personal information from you while sharing it with someone else who would be less directly affected by this information?”
“Yes! She is-”
“Doing the same thing as you just did by telling me about this whole Emily thing while keeping it a secret from your mother?”
“It’s not the same!” I protested, taking a big swig of sugary soda myself, almost spilling some on my shirt in the process.
“Not the same, but close enough,” another wink from my father. “Let me put it simply, when I come to watch you at that gaming tournament in Battingham next week, I’m expecting your best friend Riley to be there as well.”
I swallowed, but not for the soda this time. I had just kind of promised Arthur that I would see him next instead of going to the tournament. But I didn’t want to involve my dad in even more personal drama. So instead of making a fuss, I simply nodded in agreement while giving him a slight sigh.
"Now, finish that soda of yours; I need to know if Captain Frost can hold off the Germans at that bridge."
***
“Time to go, Jason!” My dad yelled up the stairs. I was pushing my last few things deeper into my backpack, attempting to create enough space on top so that the zipper would actually close. When I finally managed to push my toiletries down enough that the zipper closed, I quickly slung the backpack across my shoulder and made my way down the stairs. As I made eye contact with my father, I raised my eyebrows in silence, as if to make a point about something.
“Oh, yeah, Emily,” he rolled his eyes. “It’s been 15 years, okay? Just give me a bit of time to adapt.”
“Thanks,” I gave him a quick hug before heading out to load my stuff into the rover. Down here in Boston, you could sometimes smell the salty air coming from the ocean, and today was no different.
While this weekend definitely hadn’t gone the way I anticipated ahead of time, in the end, it turned out pretty good. Now I just needed to figure out how to untangle the rest of the mess that had become my social life. My dad might have been a bit rough with me, calling me a massive hypocrite and all. But I could kind of understand where he was coming from. Or better yet, where Riley was coming from. As she was priority number 1 right now. I had exactly one week to get her back on my side, and after that, things would suddenly get a lot more complicated.
“Got everything?” My dad asked as he sat down next to me in the Rover.
“Yup,” I nodded. And with that, he closed his door and started the car. As I looked out of the window, the Boston suburbs passed us one by one: Everett, Malden, Medford, and before I knew it, we were back on the familiar I-93.
It’s weird, for the last few weeks I have been feeling like this whole transgender thing has been this huge thing that is and will be affecting every single aspect of my life. And I assumed that after telling my dad, this would change everything about how he would see me, treat me, and think about me. But while it had only been one day ago when I told him, he seemed completely unfazed. He was honestly treating me no differently than he was before.
Had all my worry been for nothing? If I told my mother, would she respond the same? What about all the other people in my life? Would they be just as indifferent? Why was making this so much more complicated than it had to be?
So many questions, and this familiar pattern of trees surely wasn’t going to give me any answers.
Looking down at my phone instead, I eventually found my finger hovering over my text thread with Riley. The fact that there had been no messages at all in there for the last 3 days was already strange, let alone the clear evidence of my ghosting from the 3 days before that. I could feel a knot form deep down in my stomach. I had really messed up, hadn't I?
For the slightest second, I debated with myself if I should text her, but there was no way I could say what I wanted to say over text. However easy it might have been to avoid confronting her directly this way, there was no way she was going to accept an apology over text.
Shifting my focus back to the tunes of AC-DC that were currently bouncing through the almost vintage truck, I was about to lock my phone. Right before my finger reached the right side of my phone, however, a Discord notification popped down; it was Arthur.
ARMACH: I got some great news!
NOBLIN: ?
ARMACH: So I talked to the boys, and our offlane player Damian is going to be MIA due to needing to focus on college next semester. I suggest we ask you to try out for the team, and I actually managed to get them to agree. I explained that you are actually pretty decent for a girl, and they are willing to give it a shot. Mike lined up some Scrimms for next week when you’re here, but I'm sure you are going to do great ;)
After taking in the words that now populated my screen, I let out a deep breath through my nose. While my lips curled inwards and my mind quickly concluded that my streak of disappointing people was long from over. Because while I didn’t want to admit it, somewhere inside I did feel incredibly humbled. His team was clearly miles ahead of our pathetic excuse of a squad. Furthermore, one couldn’t deny that female teams were always behind their male counterparts.
Looking to my left, however, I could see my father's grin while he was slowly nodding along to the opening of Deep Purple’s "Smoke on the Water" that had just started playing. He was going to see me play next week, and that was way more important than whatever Arthur was offering right now. I’m sure he would understand.
NOBLIN: I don’t actually think I'm going to make it next week. Decided to go and play the tournament with the girls anyway. Maybe we can talk about it afterwards?
ARMACH: That’s just stupid, I know you know better than to turn this down. You’re not like the other girls.
