Within the twisting streets of Trierport’s old town, shadows danced between alleys as lantern posts flickered with life.
The last dregs of dusk could no longer be seen rising over Trierport’s rooftops. The scarlet hue which had welcomed us was now stifled by a blanket of early night.
Soon, the stars would begin twinkling down at the town below, competing with the dim lanterns to illuminate the faded cracks in the walls, the wine bottles strewn amongst the gutters, and the clockwork doll enthusiastically rummaging through the boughs of a small tree.
“Soooooooooooooooooo …… is this a cat?”
Hooking her legs around a branch, Coppelia swung upside-down, her large, turquoise eyes blinking innocently as she held out a deeply confused squirrel.
It shook its tail as it futilely attempted to break free of Coppelia’s hold, then promptly gave up and started grooming its tummy instead.
I stood on my tip-toes and reached out. Ignoring the squirrel, I batted away a leaf stuck to the curtain of golden hair before me.
I was impressed at how it maintained its fluffiness–despite the owner doing less to maintain it than she did her dignity. Should she lose control of her skirt and allow it to fall, I would be compelled to disown her on the spot.
“Coppelia, that’s a squirrel.”
She peered down at the rodent, then puffed out her cheeks.
“It could be a special cat.”
“It’s a common grey squirrel. They’re perpetual rodents whose continued ability to evade the iron hand of justice is due to their endearing appearance. Do not be fooled. A single squirrel can strip an apple tree’s protective bark bare as they feed on the sap beneath.”
“Oh. What should I do with it, then?”
“I usually evict them with my [Spring Breeze].”
“Okie~”
Still hanging from the branch, Coppelia casually tossed the squirrel through an open window. A woman’s scream immediately filled the air, followed by the sound of crashing pots and pans.
I nodded. Another tree saved. For now.
The war continues tomorrow. And yet again, I’d be aided only by my future handmaiden.
A mere glance around Trierport’s streets was enough to know that bravery was few and far between in this merchant town. The gutlessness of the captains was evident without me asking. I couldn’t expect them to usher away a squirrel, much less a pirate.
Disappointments to the last drunken hoodlum. Though they wore their uniforms with pride, they were coloured by both rum and cowardice.
Thus–a clockwork doll in a tree.
“You’re searching for an overweight grey tabby with distinctive silver stripes,” I said, yet again going to the extremes of the world to save my kingdom. “Not a squirrel. Are you certain it’s here?”
That’s right!
For the sake of my kingdom, I would brave any slight and suffer any hardship!
… And by me, I sometimes also meant Coppelia!
“Well, I’m certain a cat was here. Or rather, lots and lots of cats. I can tell. It’s like someone’s having a sale on mouldy sofas.”
Coppelia wrinkled her nose.
A poor omen. It wasn’t her keen eyesight which I required in this endless maze of corners. It was her sense of smell. Yet judging by the lack of bundles of grey other than a squirrel, it’d fallen surprisingly short.
“If there’s nothing in the tree, then help me investigate the shrubs in the previous street.”
“Hmmmmm. That’s funny. You say ‘help’, but it actually sounds like you want me to do everything while you point at stuff.”
I smiled beautifully, placing my hand atop my chest.
“Oh? Is that how it appears? … Because that’s precisely what this is.”
“Uwaaah~ not even a denial.”
“Please, Coppelia. This is all a necessary part of your training. As my future handmaiden, it’s essential that you’re able to perform a wide variety of mundane tasks for my benefit. My role is to supervise you in such matters, at least until such time that a dedicated head maid can instruct you in my place.”
Coppelia lightly swung on the branch.
“You know, I don’t think that’s how supervising works.”
“Excuse me? I’ll have you know that I’ve trained …”
“Yes?”
I thought for a moment.
“I’ve watched maids train other maids,” I declared confidently. “Moreover, as a member of royalty, I’m exceedingly confident in my ability to dictate instructions.”
Coppelia raised an eyebrow. Or lowered it, rather.
“When I was learning how to sort books and … eh, more secrety stuff, I was shown what to do first. That means if you want to see me find a lost cat, I’m going to need a demonstration.”
I was appalled by the very suggestion.
Searching for lost cats was a degrading waste of time. A job for adventurers who failed at holding a farming hoe. Even the thought of demonstrating how it was done was unseemly.
Indeed, by delegating the task, I could masterfully absolve myself of all embarrassment! It was a genius workaround–even if Coppelia did seem to possess bizarre difficulty in distinguishing cats from squirrels.
“Really, Coppelia. I cannot be relied upon to show you everything. Rest assured that I’ve complete faith in your ability to use your own initiative to see out this crucial endeavour.”
“I mean, it feels like you haven’t really shown me anything, though?”
“Which is why you’ve learned so much these past days.”
“Eh?”
I smiled in satisfaction as Coppelia’s expression turned to one of … yes, stunned awe at my highly progressive teaching methodology!
“Cats are supremely agile creatures, as stealthy in the midst of a town as they are in the wilds. To find a cat amongst the shadows is to find a false leaf in a forest. It requires perception and insight. The type which I possess, and which you’ll now come to gain. Now go, fair clockwork maiden! If your nose fails you, then you may utilise your other senses instead. Scour these streets washed with cowardice in search of an overweight grey tabby!”
I waited for Coppelia to upright herself, then leap from the branch in search of a feline amongst the sea of alleys.
She hummed instead, sniffing the air with her eyes tightly closed as she doubled down on her instincts.
I took the opportunity to smile while she wasn’t looking. As expected, my future handmaiden wasn’t one to second-guess herself. A minimum standard to join my personal retinue.
“There,” she said, eyes flashing open to the sight of my default frown as she pointed to a nearby door. “Cats or mouldy furniture. It’s one or the other. Maybe both.”
I turned to spy the object of her suspicion.
Within this alley congested with unmarked doors and poverty, a single closed shop was all the evidence that life still existed in Trierport’s old town.
Rynald’s Emporium
A faded sign smothered in disuse. Of the wide window beneath it, a curtain of cobwebs and dust offered no hint as to what wares lay behind it.
The light from the lantern post illuminated the greasy sheen without managing to pierce it. Indeed, such was the shop’s general filth, that I had little doubt even the moonlight directly striking it would have bounced off its walls like soap to a farmer’s overalls.
Only one part of the shop wasn’t the picture of abandonment.
“Hmmmmmmm.”
Trained through years of highlighting imperfections with my cowering servants, my keen eyes for spots of dust were instead put to use in the other direction. I noted the lack of grime on the shabby door’s handle at once. Not a product of daily cleaning, of course. But of use.
A closed shop. And yet not necessarily closed for business.
Yes … my princess senses were tingling!
I’d read enough low-brow adventure novels to know what kind of sordidness was hidden behind the closed doors of so-called abandoned establishments!
Gambling! Vice! Lechery! Perhaps even a hideout of treason and conspiracy!
In short … all the things which encouraged a huge amount of undocumented crowns to be exchanged behind the view of the Royal Treasury!
Cats or no cats … this could not be ignored!
“Do you see what I see, Coppelia?”
“A door that needs checking for traps?”
“Excellent. Because so do I.”
“Eh? Really? That was actually the right answer?”
“Yes.”
Coppelia detached herself from the branch at once, then pumped her fist in the air, the glow of her smile threatening to shrivel away even the dense cobwebs in the window.
“Leave it to me~”
She skipped over to the door, humming like a maiden in a meadow.
And then–
“[Coppelia Kick]!”
Pwooomph.
With an elegant spin, Coppelia lifted her leg and mercilessly roundhouse kicked the door.
An explosion of fragmented wood burst inwards as the weathered door disintegrated. The largest bulk of it wobbled as I stepped over it and into the darkened shop.
I drew Starlight Grace, the dazzling shine melting away the darkness. And yet I almost didn’t need it. Not when the waft here was now pungent enough that even I could follow it.
It was my turn to wrinkle my nose.
“Cats or mouldy furniture,” I agreed. “I feel like I’m touring a baron’s holding again. The memories. Ghastly.”
Behind me, Coppelia’s giggle rebounded within the small shop.
“Aren’t barons better than mouldy furniture, at least? Presentation and all.”
“Presentation is as much a matter of mind as it is objects. It matters little how often they scrub their tables and chairs. The barony reek of treachery, ambition and, yes, mould. Just as this establishment does.”
I sent Starlight Grace’s light around us.
Emptiness as barren as the excuses of the chefs when they claimed it was impossible to make a lemon cake without lemon. But it wasn’t the lack of goods and wares which interested me.
It was the hole in the wall, crudely carved in the shape of a bespoke doorway, as though the installation of an actual door was beyond the capabilities of those who used it.
Secrecy over function, then.
Because judging by the dent in the top of the doorway, more than one head had bumped into it.
“Come, Coppelia! Let us see what devious deeds lurk within Trierport’s shadows!”
“I dunno, if you could smell what I do, then you’d probably decide to let it be.”
“Nonsense. No matter what foulness awaits, I’m highly confident I can cleanse it with little more than my presence.”
I proceeded onwards through the makeshift doorway. Coppelia pinched her nose behind me.
What awaited wasn’t another room, but a narrow corridor which made the alleys of Trierport appear spacious. Even with my slim frame, I was forced to twist sidewards as I followed the path, Starlight Grace in hand.
I frowned. Wooden walls bereft of even the most cursory of design elements, as though this corridor had been barbarously carved through a tree.
Or perhaps more accurately, through several buildings.
It wound on and on, the walls remaining bare even as the floor changed. Wooden floorboards turned to stone, then to tiles, and then another shade of wood as this route, far more intricately placed than it was designed, sliced through a myriad of properties.
Soon, different sounds disturbed my ears, creeping through where the walls beyond thinned. There were busy footsteps, the chattering of peasants and the cries of vendors.
And then, the cawing of seagulls.
Eventually, another hole awaited, this time so crudely carved that a swooping dragon would have made less of a mess. And beyond it–
“The … The stench!”
“I told you so~”
The interior of an old, decrepit building opened out to me.
I returned Starlight Grace to its sheath as moonlight poured in through gaps in boarded windows, then joined Coppelia in pinching my nose against the unmistakable odour of the docks.
The salt air mixed with the sweat of every sailor and dockworker in Trierport to form a congealed odour powerful enough to cause a troll to turn away. And yet even without it, I would have been able to discern where I was by simply peering at the mass of crates.
Yes … this was doubtlessly a warehouse!
Both the ceiling and the walls were high enough to match the sails of any ship waiting in the wharf. Enough space, therefore, to hold the wares illegally contained within.
Meow.
All around me, the sound of distressed felines resounded, unheard by those passing by the crashing waves outside. But here, it was an orchestra of woe, each echoing the same lost cry.
There could be no doubt … all of Trierport’s missing cats were currently located before me!
“C-Coppelia! What is this?!”
My loyal handmaiden leaned her head past me, now with both hands pinched to her nose as she curiously took in our surroundings.
“It looks like a lot of F-rank adventurers you’re about to put out of business. That wall in the Adventurer’s Guild is going to look weird without all the lost cat posters on it.”
“Yes! Lost cats! Not whatever this is! This … This is outrageous!”
I peered in disbelief around at the sea of crates, each deliberately spaced apart, their lids slightly ajar to allow the cats room to breathe.
And then, I let out a groan.
Of all the organised criminal activities I had no interest in spending my precious time eliminating, mass feline abduction was well beneath my capabilities! Because that’s plainly what this was!
Ugh!
I was a princess, for heaven’s sake! A princess who unrooted powerful mages and felled errant dukes! I was objectively amazing! And yet instead of wading through a parade lined with confetti, I would now officially be scavenging through a warehouse of stolen cats like some badger digging for earthworms!
“How … How am I supposed to find the cat I’m searching for here?!”
In answer to my question, I felt fate brushing against my legs.
I peered down at the overweight tabby slipping between my boots in defiance of both its round shape and my immediate shock. Its jade eyes briefly met my gaze, before it pawed at its whiskers and stretched against the side of my leg.
My mouth widened in horror.
A cat was using my leg as a … a massage post?!
My leg!
Immediately, my mind was a haze of legal texts and historical precedents as I furiously worked to calculate how many of the cat’s nine lives I would sentence to soap crafting.
Fortunately for the feline, there was room for mitigation. Particularly as this one had distinctive silver stripes on its grey coat.
My mood brightened at once.
“... Ohhohohohoho! Very well, Coppelia! You desired a demonstration. Behold!”
“Hey! That’s cheating!”
“No, this is my royal aura and natural warmth in full effect! Witness how I draw even barely domesticated creatures to my side!”
I smiled, leaned down, and scooped up the–
Scooped up the–
Scooped up–
Hmm. Interesting.
Despite clearly attempting to usher the cat between my hands, it continually slinked away.
With a smooth coat of grey fur as fine as velvet, I couldn’t even squeeze the furball before it danced back and forth between my boots.
“Ppfft … pfft … pffffhhht …”
Slowly turning to Coppelia, I witnessed the sight of her covering her mouth. An act which neither hid the rabid amusement in her eyes, nor her laughter as it struck against her palms.
I pursed my lips … then instantly leaned down, scooping up the–
“H-How dare you evade me!! I have the soul of an angel!! Do you not feel the spirit of nature and kindness luring you towards me?!”
The insult!
To be rejected by a bundle of fur, unfit to be sold even as a carpet!
The cat gave no answer, instead darting to the hole in the wall before pausing, its head turned as its jade eyes blinked mockingly at me.
“Coppelia.”
“Pfft … Y-Yes … Not laughing.”
“Good. Because I require you to catch a cat which doesn’t wish to be caught.”
“I mean, to be fair, I don’t think you’re the one it's running from.”
I gave Coppelia a quizzical look.
My answer came in the form of a stench vile enough to ward away blood flies as they searched for cleaner pickings. What the odour accompanied came moments later as the door at the end of the warehouse burst open.
A group of dockworkers shambled in, their attire dirtied with more than just sweat.
Grease and mischief smothered their faces, and while they were armed with weapons by their sides, they would first have to discard the bottles of wine in their hands to use them.
“Oi, oi, oi. I was right. One of you donkeys left the crates open again.”
“Shuddup, Lemmy. You’re the one who always leaves ‘em open.”
“And now look what’s come out. A fine pair of ladies. Never happens with you, does it, Patches? Don’t worry. It’s your face, not your teeth.”
“Don’t go speaking from personal experience, you ugly mook.”
“Hey, I got a face the ladies swoon over.”
“Yeah, I bet they faint all the time when they see it. Bwahahaha!”
“Hey. You guys. Can we not talk about faces?”
“... Sorry, Sourface.”
“Yea, nothing personal.”
The dockworkers approached, their eyes as dark as their smiles as they swaggered closer.
I held up my hand at once and scowled. Any closer and I was liable to suffer permanent damage to my royal standing.
“You. All of you. Explain the meaning of this clearly petty scheme. Why do cats fill this warehouse like goods to be bartered and sold?”
The men exchanged juvenile grins. The one with the most crooked teeth stepped closer.
“‘Cause we’re good citizens, as you can tell. We help unite lost pets with their owners. For a fair finder’s fee, of course.”
“A lowly criminal enterprise. As expected of ruffians who dirty even the air they breathe.”
A mouth twisted into the shape of a laugh.
But then–
“Wait … hang on …”
Suddenly, the man’s face fell as he blinked at me, as though waking from his drunken stupor.
Nor was he alone in doing so.
One by one, their eyes widened, the colour draining from each of the men’s faces in turn.
For a moment, I allowed a morsel of confusion to etch onto my expression of revulsion. And then my own eyes widened.
These men … I recognised this unwashed smell!
True, their faces were as obscure in my mind as the carottes glacées au slime I spat out when nobody was looking, but this odour remained firmly entrenched in a part of my memories which long remembered all the slights I’d ever been subjected to.
Why, these were …
“Hmm. Are you not the same petty brigands who attempted to accost me in the forest outside Rolstein?”
At once, any semblance of swagger between them ended, replaced by a joined ode to silence.
Nothing happened.
And then–they all fled as one.
“Move! Lemmy, you ugly mule, you’re gonna get me killed!”
“Oh gods, she’s the one! She sent the Boss back to being a farmer!”
“Why’s she here?! Let me out! Get outta the way! I still hear the trees exploding!”
The men desperately fought, bottles of wine smashing to the ground as they elbowed each other in a panicked race to pull open the door first. Panic which increased as I calmly walked towards them, and then very much so when I drew Starlight Grace once more.
“I see you’ve evaded justice. In which case, allow me to hasten your exit so you may arrive at the nearest soap dispensary.”
I pointed Starlight Grace squarely at the backs of the scrambling men.
As I lightly swished my sword, a tiny ball of wind began to form at the tip. Sufficient to dispatch a small gathering of fleeing men.
I permitted it to become slightly bigger.
“[Spring Breeze].”
Prwwwooowww!
The next sound was that of a door being violently blown down.
As well as a group of violently screaming hoodlums who helped carry it past the docks and directly into the waiting sea.
kayenano
It's here!!
I'm very delighted to announced that the audiobook for The Villainess Is An SS+ Rank Adventurer, Book 1 is now available for pre-order from Audible! Now you can listen to Juliette's angelic laughter to your heart's content! Ohohohohoho!
I never expected an audiobook to come to life so soon after I began writing, so thank you once again for making it happen. Your support is the only reason this story is possible!
The audiobook is voiced by the super talented Brenna Larsen and produced by Podium Audio. The release date is 29/08/2023!!
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If you'd like to support me outside of the audiobook release, you can do so at my Patreon as well (and read 20 chapters ahead)!
Within the twisting streets of Trierport’s old town, shadows danced between alleys as lantern posts flickered with life.
The last dregs of dusk could no longer be seen rising over Trierport’s rooftops. The scarlet hue which had welcomed us was now stifled by a blanket of early night.
Soon, the stars would begin twinkling down at the town below, competing with the dim lanterns to illuminate the faded cracks in the walls, the wine bottles strewn amongst the gutters, and the clockwork doll enthusiastically rummaging through the boughs of a small tree.
“Soooooooooooooooooo …… is this a cat?”
Hooking her legs around a branch, Coppelia swung upside-down, her large, turquoise eyes blinking innocently as she held out a deeply confused squirrel.
It shook its tail as it futilely attempted to break free of Coppelia’s hold, then promptly gave up and started grooming its tummy instead.
I stood on my tip-toes and reached out. Ignoring the squirrel, I batted away a leaf stuck to the curtain of golden hair before me.
I was impressed at how it maintained its fluffiness–despite the owner doing less to maintain it than she did her dignity. Should she lose control of her skirt and allow it to fall, I would be compelled to disown her on the spot.
“Coppelia, that’s a squirrel.”
She peered down at the rodent, then puffed out her cheeks.
“It could be a special cat.”
“It’s a common grey squirrel. They’re perpetual rodents whose continued ability to evade the iron hand of justice is due to their endearing appearance. Do not be fooled. A single squirrel can strip an apple tree’s protective bark bare as they feed on the sap beneath.”
“Oh. What should I do with it, then?”
“I usually evict them with my [Spring Breeze].”
“Okie~”
Still hanging from the branch, Coppelia casually tossed the squirrel through an open window. A woman’s scream immediately filled the air, followed by the sound of crashing pots and pans.
I nodded. Another tree saved. For now.
The war continues tomorrow. And yet again, I’d be aided only by my future handmaiden.
A mere glance around Trierport’s streets was enough to know that bravery was few and far between in this merchant town. The gutlessness of the captains was evident without me asking. I couldn’t expect them to usher away a squirrel, much less a pirate.
Disappointments to the last drunken hoodlum. Though they wore their uniforms with pride, they were coloured by both rum and cowardice.
Thus–a clockwork doll in a tree.
“You’re searching for an overweight grey tabby with distinctive silver stripes,” I said, yet again going to the extremes of the world to save my kingdom. “Not a squirrel. Are you certain it’s here?”
That’s right!
For the sake of my kingdom, I would brave any slight and suffer any hardship!
… And by me, I sometimes also meant Coppelia!
“Well, I’m certain a cat was here. Or rather, lots and lots of cats. I can tell. It’s like someone’s having a sale on mouldy sofas.”
Coppelia wrinkled her nose.
A poor omen. It wasn’t her keen eyesight which I required in this endless maze of corners. It was her sense of smell. Yet judging by the lack of bundles of grey other than a squirrel, it’d fallen surprisingly short.
“If there’s nothing in the tree, then help me investigate the shrubs in the previous street.”
“Hmmmmm. That’s funny. You say ‘help’, but it actually sounds like you want me to do everything while you point at stuff.”
I smiled beautifully, placing my hand atop my chest.
“Oh? Is that how it appears? … Because that’s precisely what this is.”
“Uwaaah~ not even a denial.”
“Please, Coppelia. This is all a necessary part of your training. As my future handmaiden, it’s essential that you’re able to perform a wide variety of mundane tasks for my benefit. My role is to supervise you in such matters, at least until such time that a dedicated head maid can instruct you in my place.”
Coppelia lightly swung on the branch.
“You know, I don’t think that’s how supervising works.”
“Excuse me? I’ll have you know that I’ve trained …”
“Yes?”
I thought for a moment.
“I’ve watched maids train other maids,” I declared confidently. “Moreover, as a member of royalty, I’m exceedingly confident in my ability to dictate instructions.”
Coppelia raised an eyebrow. Or lowered it, rather.
“When I was learning how to sort books and … eh, more secrety stuff, I was shown what to do first. That means if you want to see me find a lost cat, I’m going to need a demonstration.”
I was appalled by the very suggestion.
Searching for lost cats was a degrading waste of time. A job for adventurers who failed at holding a farming hoe. Even the thought of demonstrating how it was done was unseemly.
Indeed, by delegating the task, I could masterfully absolve myself of all embarrassment! It was a genius workaround–even if Coppelia did seem to possess bizarre difficulty in distinguishing cats from squirrels.
“Really, Coppelia. I cannot be relied upon to show you everything. Rest assured that I’ve complete faith in your ability to use your own initiative to see out this crucial endeavour.”
“I mean, it feels like you haven’t really shown me anything, though?”
“Which is why you’ve learned so much these past days.”
“Eh?”
I smiled in satisfaction as Coppelia’s expression turned to one of … yes, stunned awe at my highly progressive teaching methodology!
“Cats are supremely agile creatures, as stealthy in the midst of a town as they are in the wilds. To find a cat amongst the shadows is to find a false leaf in a forest. It requires perception and insight. The type which I possess, and which you’ll now come to gain. Now go, fair clockwork maiden! If your nose fails you, then you may utilise your other senses instead. Scour these streets washed with cowardice in search of an overweight grey tabby!”
I waited for Coppelia to upright herself, then leap from the branch in search of a feline amongst the sea of alleys.
She hummed instead, sniffing the air with her eyes tightly closed as she doubled down on her instincts.
I took the opportunity to smile while she wasn’t looking. As expected, my future handmaiden wasn’t one to second-guess herself. A minimum standard to join my personal retinue.
“There,” she said, eyes flashing open to the sight of my default frown as she pointed to a nearby door. “Cats or mouldy furniture. It’s one or the other. Maybe both.”
I turned to spy the object of her suspicion.
Within this alley congested with unmarked doors and poverty, a single closed shop was all the evidence that life still existed in Trierport’s old town.
Rynald’s Emporium
A faded sign smothered in disuse. Of the wide window beneath it, a curtain of cobwebs and dust offered no hint as to what wares lay behind it.
The light from the lantern post illuminated the greasy sheen without managing to pierce it. Indeed, such was the shop’s general filth, that I had little doubt even the moonlight directly striking it would have bounced off its walls like soap to a farmer’s overalls.
Only one part of the shop wasn’t the picture of abandonment.
“Hmmmmmmm.”
Trained through years of highlighting imperfections with my cowering servants, my keen eyes for spots of dust were instead put to use in the other direction. I noted the lack of grime on the shabby door’s handle at once. Not a product of daily cleaning, of course. But of use.
A closed shop. And yet not necessarily closed for business.
Yes … my princess senses were tingling!
I’d read enough low-brow adventure novels to know what kind of sordidness was hidden behind the closed doors of so-called abandoned establishments!
Gambling! Vice! Lechery! Perhaps even a hideout of treason and conspiracy!
In short … all the things which encouraged a huge amount of undocumented crowns to be exchanged behind the view of the Royal Treasury!
Cats or no cats … this could not be ignored!
“Do you see what I see, Coppelia?”
“A door that needs checking for traps?”
“Excellent. Because so do I.”
“Eh? Really? That was actually the right answer?”
“Yes.”
Coppelia detached herself from the branch at once, then pumped her fist in the air, the glow of her smile threatening to shrivel away even the dense cobwebs in the window.
“Leave it to me~”
She skipped over to the door, humming like a maiden in a meadow.
And then–
“[Coppelia Kick]!”
Pwooomph.
With an elegant spin, Coppelia lifted her leg and mercilessly roundhouse kicked the door.
An explosion of fragmented wood burst inwards as the weathered door disintegrated. The largest bulk of it wobbled as I stepped over it and into the darkened shop.
I drew Starlight Grace, the dazzling shine melting away the darkness. And yet I almost didn’t need it. Not when the waft here was now pungent enough that even I could follow it.
It was my turn to wrinkle my nose.
“Cats or mouldy furniture,” I agreed. “I feel like I’m touring a baron’s holding again. The memories. Ghastly.”
Behind me, Coppelia’s giggle rebounded within the small shop.
“Aren’t barons better than mouldy furniture, at least? Presentation and all.”
“Presentation is as much a matter of mind as it is objects. It matters little how often they scrub their tables and chairs. The barony reek of treachery, ambition and, yes, mould. Just as this establishment does.”
I sent Starlight Grace’s light around us.
Emptiness as barren as the excuses of the chefs when they claimed it was impossible to make a lemon cake without lemon. But it wasn’t the lack of goods and wares which interested me.
It was the hole in the wall, crudely carved in the shape of a bespoke doorway, as though the installation of an actual door was beyond the capabilities of those who used it.
Secrecy over function, then.
Because judging by the dent in the top of the doorway, more than one head had bumped into it.
“Come, Coppelia! Let us see what devious deeds lurk within Trierport’s shadows!”
“I dunno, if you could smell what I do, then you’d probably decide to let it be.”
“Nonsense. No matter what foulness awaits, I’m highly confident I can cleanse it with little more than my presence.”
I proceeded onwards through the makeshift doorway. Coppelia pinched her nose behind me.
What awaited wasn’t another room, but a narrow corridor which made the alleys of Trierport appear spacious. Even with my slim frame, I was forced to twist sidewards as I followed the path, Starlight Grace in hand.
I frowned. Wooden walls bereft of even the most cursory of design elements, as though this corridor had been barbarously carved through a tree.
Or perhaps more accurately, through several buildings.
It wound on and on, the walls remaining bare even as the floor changed. Wooden floorboards turned to stone, then to tiles, and then another shade of wood as this route, far more intricately placed than it was designed, sliced through a myriad of properties.
Soon, different sounds disturbed my ears, creeping through where the walls beyond thinned. There were busy footsteps, the chattering of peasants and the cries of vendors.
And then, the cawing of seagulls.
Eventually, another hole awaited, this time so crudely carved that a swooping dragon would have made less of a mess. And beyond it–
“The … The stench!”
“I told you so~”
The interior of an old, decrepit building opened out to me.
I returned Starlight Grace to its sheath as moonlight poured in through gaps in boarded windows, then joined Coppelia in pinching my nose against the unmistakable odour of the docks.
The salt air mixed with the sweat of every sailor and dockworker in Trierport to form a congealed odour powerful enough to cause a troll to turn away. And yet even without it, I would have been able to discern where I was by simply peering at the mass of crates.
Yes … this was doubtlessly a warehouse!
Both the ceiling and the walls were high enough to match the sails of any ship waiting in the wharf. Enough space, therefore, to hold the wares illegally contained within.
Meow.
All around me, the sound of distressed felines resounded, unheard by those passing by the crashing waves outside. But here, it was an orchestra of woe, each echoing the same lost cry.
There could be no doubt … all of Trierport’s missing cats were currently located before me!
“C-Coppelia! What is this?!”
My loyal handmaiden leaned her head past me, now with both hands pinched to her nose as she curiously took in our surroundings.
“It looks like a lot of F-rank adventurers you’re about to put out of business. That wall in the Adventurer’s Guild is going to look weird without all the lost cat posters on it.”
“Yes! Lost cats! Not whatever this is! This … This is outrageous!”
I peered in disbelief around at the sea of crates, each deliberately spaced apart, their lids slightly ajar to allow the cats room to breathe.
And then, I let out a groan.
Of all the organised criminal activities I had no interest in spending my precious time eliminating, mass feline abduction was well beneath my capabilities! Because that’s plainly what this was!
Ugh!
I was a princess, for heaven’s sake! A princess who unrooted powerful mages and felled errant dukes! I was objectively amazing! And yet instead of wading through a parade lined with confetti, I would now officially be scavenging through a warehouse of stolen cats like some badger digging for earthworms!
“How … How am I supposed to find the cat I’m searching for here?!”
In answer to my question, I felt fate brushing against my legs.
I peered down at the overweight tabby slipping between my boots in defiance of both its round shape and my immediate shock. Its jade eyes briefly met my gaze, before it pawed at its whiskers and stretched against the side of my leg.
My mouth widened in horror.
A cat was using my leg as a … a massage post?!
My leg!
Immediately, my mind was a haze of legal texts and historical precedents as I furiously worked to calculate how many of the cat’s nine lives I would sentence to soap crafting.
Fortunately for the feline, there was room for mitigation. Particularly as this one had distinctive silver stripes on its grey coat.
My mood brightened at once.
“... Ohhohohohoho! Very well, Coppelia! You desired a demonstration. Behold!”
“Hey! That’s cheating!”
“No, this is my royal aura and natural warmth in full effect! Witness how I draw even barely domesticated creatures to my side!”
I smiled, leaned down, and scooped up the–
Scooped up the–
Scooped up–
Hmm. Interesting.
Despite clearly attempting to usher the cat between my hands, it continually slinked away.
With a smooth coat of grey fur as fine as velvet, I couldn’t even squeeze the furball before it danced back and forth between my boots.
“Ppfft … pfft … pffffhhht …”
Slowly turning to Coppelia, I witnessed the sight of her covering her mouth. An act which neither hid the rabid amusement in her eyes, nor her laughter as it struck against her palms.
I pursed my lips … then instantly leaned down, scooping up the–
“H-How dare you evade me!! I have the soul of an angel!! Do you not feel the spirit of nature and kindness luring you towards me?!”
The insult!
To be rejected by a bundle of fur, unfit to be sold even as a carpet!
The cat gave no answer, instead darting to the hole in the wall before pausing, its head turned as its jade eyes blinked mockingly at me.
“Coppelia.”
“Pfft … Y-Yes … Not laughing.”
“Good. Because I require you to catch a cat which doesn’t wish to be caught.”
“I mean, to be fair, I don’t think you’re the one it's running from.”
I gave Coppelia a quizzical look.
My answer came in the form of a stench vile enough to ward away blood flies as they searched for cleaner pickings. What the odour accompanied came moments later as the door at the end of the warehouse burst open.
A group of dockworkers shambled in, their attire dirtied with more than just sweat.
Grease and mischief smothered their faces, and while they were armed with weapons by their sides, they would first have to discard the bottles of wine in their hands to use them.
“Oi, oi, oi. I was right. One of you donkeys left the crates open again.”
“Shuddup, Lemmy. You’re the one who always leaves ‘em open.”
“And now look what’s come out. A fine pair of ladies. Never happens with you, does it, Patches? Don’t worry. It’s your face, not your teeth.”
“Don’t go speaking from personal experience, you ugly mook.”
“Hey, I got a face the ladies swoon over.”
“Yeah, I bet they faint all the time when they see it. Bwahahaha!”
“Hey. You guys. Can we not talk about faces?”
“... Sorry, Sourface.”
“Yea, nothing personal.”
The dockworkers approached, their eyes as dark as their smiles as they swaggered closer.
I held up my hand at once and scowled. Any closer and I was liable to suffer permanent damage to my royal standing.
“You. All of you. Explain the meaning of this clearly petty scheme. Why do cats fill this warehouse like goods to be bartered and sold?”
The men exchanged juvenile grins. The one with the most crooked teeth stepped closer.
“‘Cause we’re good citizens, as you can tell. We help unite lost pets with their owners. For a fair finder’s fee, of course.”
“A lowly criminal enterprise. As expected of ruffians who dirty even the air they breathe.”
A mouth twisted into the shape of a laugh.
But then–
“Wait … hang on …”
Suddenly, the man’s face fell as he blinked at me, as though waking from his drunken stupor.
Nor was he alone in doing so.
One by one, their eyes widened, the colour draining from each of the men’s faces in turn.
For a moment, I allowed a morsel of confusion to etch onto my expression of revulsion. And then my own eyes widened.
These men … I recognised this unwashed smell!
True, their faces were as obscure in my mind as the carottes glacées au slime I spat out when nobody was looking, but this odour remained firmly entrenched in a part of my memories which long remembered all the slights I’d ever been subjected to.
Why, these were …
“Hmm. Are you not the same petty brigands who attempted to accost me in the forest outside Rolstein?”
At once, any semblance of swagger between them ended, replaced by a joined ode to silence.
Nothing happened.
And then–they all fled as one.
“Move! Lemmy, you ugly mule, you’re gonna get me killed!”
“Oh gods, she’s the one! She sent the Boss back to being a farmer!”
“Why’s she here?! Let me out! Get outta the way! I still hear the trees exploding!”
The men desperately fought, bottles of wine smashing to the ground as they elbowed each other in a panicked race to pull open the door first. Panic which increased as I calmly walked towards them, and then very much so when I drew Starlight Grace once more.
“I see you’ve evaded justice. In which case, allow me to hasten your exit so you may arrive at the nearest soap dispensary.”
I pointed Starlight Grace squarely at the backs of the scrambling men.
As I lightly swished my sword, a tiny ball of wind began to form at the tip. Sufficient to dispatch a small gathering of fleeing men.
I permitted it to become slightly bigger.
“[Spring Breeze].”
Prwwwooowww!
The next sound was that of a door being violently blown down.
As well as a group of violently screaming hoodlums who helped carry it past the docks and directly into the waiting sea.
kayenano
It's here!!
I'm very delighted to announced that the audiobook for The Villainess Is An SS+ Rank Adventurer, Book 1 is now available for pre-order from Audible! Now you can listen to Juliette's angelic laughter to your heart's content! Ohohohohoho!
I never expected an audiobook to come to life so soon after I began writing, so thank you once again for making it happen. Your support is the only reason this story is possible!
The audiobook is voiced by the super talented Brenna Larsen and produced by Podium Audio. The release date is 29/08/2023!!
You can also follow Brenna Larsen's instagram and twitter and other socials to keep up with her work!
If you'd like to support me outside of the audiobook release, you can do so at my Patreon as well (and read 20 chapters ahead)!