In battle, you never get to think about much. You bury your fears. You bury your panic and still your trembling hand. And you try to remember the important things – strategies and counter-strategies, your strengths and weaknesses. The range and feel of your weapons. How to dodge, and how to time your attacks. All propelled by a singular, certain conviction: "I must live." And so you trample upon the ones in your way, without judgment of their guilt or innocence. You pitch your strength and wits against them, to contest your right as the survivor.
But now the battle was over. And the blood cooled, and our enemies were dead and gone. And now I began to wonder.
Must I live?
In the days after our victory, I spent much of the hours in bed, craving sleep, waiting for sleep, in futility. My bedroom, in the infinite suburb of Gold, caged me as a mimicry of the life I had lost. A reminder of who I once was. That girl, who once wondered what to study in college, who just wanted to play video games with her friends, no longer existed. If I were to return home, I would no longer be her.
Saber, who locked herself in my parents' room, had been awfully quiet. Sometimes I feared that she was no longer in there. I couldn't feel her presence, the way I had been able to while we slept in adjacent rooms, in our old house in Silvercreek.
I'd still hear her sometimes, when she ate, perhaps once or twice. She didn't eat frequently, if at all. I wanted her to come see me in my room, to let me know it was still alright for us to talk. But the whole time, she kept herself behind shut doors.
I didn't know how long we spent like this. Perhaps three days. Or maybe a week. But, eventually, a knock came on our door. It stirred me out of my numb wakefulness. I found my new railgun-rifle on the bed next to me. I hadn't fired it yet, and I hoped I wouldn't need to now. But I clutched on to it, cautiously, as I went downstairs.
When I checked the door, it was just Tanin, thankfully.
"You look horrible," he said.
"Good to know." I lowered the railgun to my side, letting it slump my shoulders with its weight.
"Sophia, did you see the new visitors around?"
I scanned the streets outside. I saw no one but Tanin.
"Calm yourself," he said. "They're inside my house. They're my old teammates from Silver."
"...Why are they here?" I asked.
"For me."
Tanin invited me over to meet them. When I hesitated to leave the house, he seemed to have noticed.
"Let me get them," he told me. "And stow your gun, please."
He walked away. His dress pants covered up his new peg leg, but I could see the contour of the thin, angular frame under the folds of the fabric.
A moment later, two men exited his house. Both looked to be about his age, and they each wore chainmail. One was bald, with a thick beard. The other had curly blue hair. The blue-haired man carried a sunflower in a pot.
Wait a minute. Could that be…
"Is that the Seekflower?" I asked, startling the trio.
"A Seekflower," Tanin said. "There are a few of them in Gold, apparently." He turned to the other two. "That's Sophia, she used to work under me in Silver. Not a bad girl. And Sophia, these are Roger," he said, glancing at the bald one. "And James," he said towards the man with blue hair.
"I see," I said.
"Heard you've been keeping Tanin alive," James said. "You and that Saber. Dr. Saber."
"Professor now," Tanin corrected. "We promoted her after you got out of Silvercreek."
"Not bad."
"You might probably have guessed," James, the blue-haired man, said to me, "but we're here to pick up Tanin. I reckon you might be interested in tagging along."
Not exactly. Not after what happened the last time I decided to put my trust in strangers. Sure, these might've been Tanin's friends. But to me they were still strangers.
"Where are you taking him?" I asked.
"The Bounty Hall," Tanin said. "Not to turn me in, of course. Right?"
James scoffed. "As if you'd be worth anything. The Bounty Hall's the closest thing you've got to a society. A bit over a hundred members. Nowhere else are you gonna find that many people in one place. Here, people can wander for days without seeing anyone. Some had died that way, lost and starving. Again, if you're interested, feel free to tag along."
"...Can I use the Seekflower?" I asked.
James cocked his head. "Looking for someone?"
"My teammates."
James looked to Tanin and Roger. Roger returned a wordless shrug.
"Go for it," James said. He held the potten sunflower towards me.
I checked my team notebook one last time. As before, I had received nothing from Hei, or Mr. Atlas, or Jack.
"Your team probably dissolved when you came up to Gold," Tanin said. He seemed to read me perfectly. "Unless you promoted together, you don't get to stay together. That's why they had to borrow the Seekflower to find me."
I nodded in acknowledgement. Then I took a shallow breath.
"Where's Hei?" I asked the flower.
In response, its petals began to move. They folded inward until the flower closed into a bulb.
In battle, you never get to think about much. You bury your fears. You bury your panic and still your trembling hand. And you try to remember the important things – strategies and counter-strategies, your strengths and weaknesses. The range and feel of your weapons. How to dodge, and how to time your attacks. All propelled by a singular, certain conviction: "I must live." And so you trample upon the ones in your way, without judgment of their guilt or innocence. You pitch your strength and wits against them, to contest your right as the survivor.
But now the battle was over. And the blood cooled, and our enemies were dead and gone. And now I began to wonder.
Must I live?
In the days after our victory, I spent much of the hours in bed, craving sleep, waiting for sleep, in futility. My bedroom, in the infinite suburb of Gold, caged me as a mimicry of the life I had lost. A reminder of who I once was. That girl, who once wondered what to study in college, who just wanted to play video games with her friends, no longer existed. If I were to return home, I would no longer be her.
Saber, who locked herself in my parents' room, had been awfully quiet. Sometimes I feared that she was no longer in there. I couldn't feel her presence, the way I had been able to while we slept in adjacent rooms, in our old house in Silvercreek.
I'd still hear her sometimes, when she ate, perhaps once or twice. She didn't eat frequently, if at all. I wanted her to come see me in my room, to let me know it was still alright for us to talk. But the whole time, she kept herself behind shut doors.
I didn't know how long we spent like this. Perhaps three days. Or maybe a week. But, eventually, a knock came on our door. It stirred me out of my numb wakefulness. I found my new railgun-rifle on the bed next to me. I hadn't fired it yet, and I hoped I wouldn't need to now. But I clutched on to it, cautiously, as I went downstairs.
When I checked the door, it was just Tanin, thankfully.
"You look horrible," he said.
"Good to know." I lowered the railgun to my side, letting it slump my shoulders with its weight.
"Sophia, did you see the new visitors around?"
I scanned the streets outside. I saw no one but Tanin.
"Calm yourself," he said. "They're inside my house. They're my old teammates from Silver."
"...Why are they here?" I asked.
"For me."
Tanin invited me over to meet them. When I hesitated to leave the house, he seemed to have noticed.
"Let me get them," he told me. "And stow your gun, please."
He walked away. His dress pants covered up his new peg leg, but I could see the contour of the thin, angular frame under the folds of the fabric.
A moment later, two men exited his house. Both looked to be about his age, and they each wore chainmail. One was bald, with a thick beard. The other had curly blue hair. The blue-haired man carried a sunflower in a pot.
Wait a minute. Could that be…
"Is that the Seekflower?" I asked, startling the trio.
"A Seekflower," Tanin said. "There are a few of them in Gold, apparently." He turned to the other two. "That's Sophia, she used to work under me in Silver. Not a bad girl. And Sophia, these are Roger," he said, glancing at the bald one. "And James," he said towards the man with blue hair.
"I see," I said.
"Heard you've been keeping Tanin alive," James said. "You and that Saber. Dr. Saber."
"Professor now," Tanin corrected. "We promoted her after you got out of Silvercreek."
"Not bad."
"You might probably have guessed," James, the blue-haired man, said to me, "but we're here to pick up Tanin. I reckon you might be interested in tagging along."
Not exactly. Not after what happened the last time I decided to put my trust in strangers. Sure, these might've been Tanin's friends. But to me they were still strangers.
"Where are you taking him?" I asked.
"The Bounty Hall," Tanin said. "Not to turn me in, of course. Right?"
James scoffed. "As if you'd be worth anything. The Bounty Hall's the closest thing you've got to a society. A bit over a hundred members. Nowhere else are you gonna find that many people in one place. Here, people can wander for days without seeing anyone. Some had died that way, lost and starving. Again, if you're interested, feel free to tag along."
"...Can I use the Seekflower?" I asked.
James cocked his head. "Looking for someone?"
"My teammates."
James looked to Tanin and Roger. Roger returned a wordless shrug.
"Go for it," James said. He held the potten sunflower towards me.
I checked my team notebook one last time. As before, I had received nothing from Hei, or Mr. Atlas, or Jack.
"Your team probably dissolved when you came up to Gold," Tanin said. He seemed to read me perfectly. "Unless you promoted together, you don't get to stay together. That's why they had to borrow the Seekflower to find me."
I nodded in acknowledgement. Then I took a shallow breath.
"Where's Hei?" I asked the flower.
In response, its petals began to move. They folded inward until the flower closed into a bulb.
