Kishiar La Orr, alive here and now. Just that.
As long as he didn't forget that.
With this thought, he found a sense of calm. He gazed deeply at Kishiar La Orr, trying not to miss any subtle changes, as if seeing him for the first time. Kishiar's face was refreshingly handsome, warm, and consistently honest. Emotions, never felt before from anyone else, swirled captivatingly in the eyes of this beautiful, noble man, like a sweet dream.
It had taken him a long time to recognize that this Kishiar La Orr was walking a different path from the one in the past. Regardless of what others said or what happened, his vow to stay by Kishiar's side remained unchanged. He thought he had correctly determined what was important, reflecting on the past, present, and future.
Yet, even after seemingly sorting out his past, present, and future, he couldn't maintain his usual composure when this situation arose. It meant his heart had not truly settled yet.
‘Perhaps it's because I'm always relieved to see the current Kishiar, who is unlike the one from the past.’
He felt again the weight of old emotions that he had experienced at the guillotine. These long-suppressed feelings hadn't disappeared but lingered somewhere in Yuder's heart. Yuder introspectively peered into this dark swamp, too heavy and deep to fully understand.
Bitter longing. Cold hatred.
Respect and aspiration. Resentment and anger.
An inexplicable yearning. Shadows constricting a murderer's body.
All mixed together to form Kishiar La Orr.
The only name that could shake Yuder so profoundly.
Kishiar also saw how much Yuder struggled to maintain his composure in front of this conjecture. Knowing that Yuder had no good feelings for him in his previous life, it must not have been easy for Kishiar to discuss this conjecture.
Yet, he spoke his thoughts logically and without emotion, deeming it necessary.
Yuder decided not to forget that he was here now because Kishiar was that kind of man.
‘Think simply.’
While part of his heart ached as if wounded, he didn't want to be blinded by it and miss what truly mattered.
Enduring a difficult situation wasn't unique to him alone. Kishiar, too, was enduring unfamiliar pain for Yuder.
Getting entangled in events that had nothing to do with his current self and were unlikely to happen was unpleasant for anyone. The realization that traces of a person he was yet not, existed within him was not a welcome thought.
Yet, the man never once let go of Yuder.
Suddenly, Yuder reached out and gently touched Kishiar's cheek. As his hand moved naturally over Kishiar's face, Kishiar softly grasped it, looking down submissively and rubbing his face against it. As their skin touched, their heartbeats almost synchronized.
Without expressing in words or emotions, the sound alone eased some of the pain.
“Do you not resent it?”
Yuder impulsively asked in a soft voice.
“Considering that you are entangled with me in these strange events.”
“Not at all.”
Kishiar immediately replied.
"I have never had such a thought, and I probably never will. The only thought I have right now is just one."
The man whispered, asking if he knew what it was. As Yuder slowly shook his head, a voice, lowered enough to be just audible, reached his ears.
"The thought of surviving well in the future, and how to see the precious laughter of the one I love for a long time."
Yuder was speechless for a while.
He wanted to ask back what it was, but a sensation like the crashing of mighty waves struck the edge of his heart.
"...Is that it?"
"What do you mean? It's a serious issue."
Kishiar usually jokes like this when he's hiding his real feelings and being evasive. But right now, he seemed to be truly sincere.
Yuder, dumbfounded, let out a strange breath that was neither a laugh nor a sigh.
"Huh..."
"Yes. Smiling suits you much better."
Kishiar smiled as if he had painted it.
"Don't worry too much. What happened this time was certainly surprising, but after all, it's a thing of the past. Even if I'm curious about the previous game, it can't be the same as back then. We both know that using the same pieces to play a game doesn't make it the same game, don’t we?"
"..."
"But if you need to, you can use me, hate me, and resent me instead. I'll gladly accept whatever you give me."
"That doesn't seem right. Rather, I should..."
His playfully serious voice was amusing, but in truth, even if Yuder really did it, he would have accepted it willingly. Yuder denied his words, feeling the atmosphere rapidly soften in a surprising way.
It was Kishiar's power that changed the atmosphere like this. He skillfully embraced Yuder, who didn't know how to release his pain alone, and helped him gently push his worries to the back.
He realized just how broad-minded Kishiar was, especially at times like this. Indeed, he was an unbeatable opponent...
In the sensation of the still flickering remnants of his unextinguished heat period, Yuder recalled Kishiar in his dream.
Like an unwelcome guest hidden in the shadows, that man stood alone. The Yuder in the dream had turned his face away and did not look at him, so he didn't know what expression he was wearing, but the current Kishiar said he had read fear in him.
Was that all that the current 'Kishiar' had read from there?
He thought it was probably not.
Then, if Yuder asked the questions he had long wondered about but never had answers to, could he answer them?
"Commander."
"Yes."
As soon as he called softly, an immediate reply came. Like Yuder, he was not asleep. The sound of his heartbeat became stronger as he slightly tightened his arm around Yuder.
Yuder listened closely and then spoke.
"If, as you said earlier, the Commander of the previous game really felt fear when he saw me in the Commander uniform, then why did you..."
"..."
"No, never mind."
He intended to ask why he was appointed as the Cavalry Commander, but he felt it was strange to ask someone who was the same yet different. After all, even he wouldn't know the perfect answer.
"Just go to sleep."
As Yuder shook his head and exhaled, Kishiar inserted his fingers into his hair and stroked it. As he repeated the action for a long time, the suffocating emotions disappeared, and slowly sleep approached.
Yuder blinked several times and then finally closed his eyes completely. Even after that, the man who continued the same actions whispered as a deep darkness once again fell over the small cabin.
"...Well... Not everything can be known, but one thing is certain. In the act of making new clothes, there is an old wish embedded, hoping that the person will wear them and think of the person who made it."
It was a story originating from an old tradition, unknown to many, but Kishiar knew it.
The man who was hiding his emotions in laughter, shrouded in shadows, surely knew the same fact.
Kishiar stroked his pale cheek, still slightly flushed from the remnants of the heat period. He cuddled Yuder and then closed his eyes in a corner of the small cabin.
The winter wind blowing outside could not invade that place.
—---
Another day had passed. Yuder got up from his bed, feeling the aftereffects of the heat period had completely faded.
His body felt surprisingly light and overflowing with energy. He felt as if he could blow away the whole cabin if he wanted to.
Kishiar La Orr, alive here and now. Just that.
As long as he didn't forget that.
With this thought, he found a sense of calm. He gazed deeply at Kishiar La Orr, trying not to miss any subtle changes, as if seeing him for the first time. Kishiar's face was refreshingly handsome, warm, and consistently honest. Emotions, never felt before from anyone else, swirled captivatingly in the eyes of this beautiful, noble man, like a sweet dream.
It had taken him a long time to recognize that this Kishiar La Orr was walking a different path from the one in the past. Regardless of what others said or what happened, his vow to stay by Kishiar's side remained unchanged. He thought he had correctly determined what was important, reflecting on the past, present, and future.
Yet, even after seemingly sorting out his past, present, and future, he couldn't maintain his usual composure when this situation arose. It meant his heart had not truly settled yet.
‘Perhaps it's because I'm always relieved to see the current Kishiar, who is unlike the one from the past.’
He felt again the weight of old emotions that he had experienced at the guillotine. These long-suppressed feelings hadn't disappeared but lingered somewhere in Yuder's heart. Yuder introspectively peered into this dark swamp, too heavy and deep to fully understand.
Bitter longing. Cold hatred.
Respect and aspiration. Resentment and anger.
An inexplicable yearning. Shadows constricting a murderer's body.
All mixed together to form Kishiar La Orr.
The only name that could shake Yuder so profoundly.
Kishiar also saw how much Yuder struggled to maintain his composure in front of this conjecture. Knowing that Yuder had no good feelings for him in his previous life, it must not have been easy for Kishiar to discuss this conjecture.
Yet, he spoke his thoughts logically and without emotion, deeming it necessary.
Yuder decided not to forget that he was here now because Kishiar was that kind of man.
‘Think simply.’
While part of his heart ached as if wounded, he didn't want to be blinded by it and miss what truly mattered.
Enduring a difficult situation wasn't unique to him alone. Kishiar, too, was enduring unfamiliar pain for Yuder.
Getting entangled in events that had nothing to do with his current self and were unlikely to happen was unpleasant for anyone. The realization that traces of a person he was yet not, existed within him was not a welcome thought.
Yet, the man never once let go of Yuder.
Suddenly, Yuder reached out and gently touched Kishiar's cheek. As his hand moved naturally over Kishiar's face, Kishiar softly grasped it, looking down submissively and rubbing his face against it. As their skin touched, their heartbeats almost synchronized.
Without expressing in words or emotions, the sound alone eased some of the pain.
“Do you not resent it?”
Yuder impulsively asked in a soft voice.
“Considering that you are entangled with me in these strange events.”
“Not at all.”
Kishiar immediately replied.
"I have never had such a thought, and I probably never will. The only thought I have right now is just one."
The man whispered, asking if he knew what it was. As Yuder slowly shook his head, a voice, lowered enough to be just audible, reached his ears.
"The thought of surviving well in the future, and how to see the precious laughter of the one I love for a long time."
Yuder was speechless for a while.
He wanted to ask back what it was, but a sensation like the crashing of mighty waves struck the edge of his heart.
"...Is that it?"
"What do you mean? It's a serious issue."
Kishiar usually jokes like this when he's hiding his real feelings and being evasive. But right now, he seemed to be truly sincere.
Yuder, dumbfounded, let out a strange breath that was neither a laugh nor a sigh.
"Huh..."
"Yes. Smiling suits you much better."
Kishiar smiled as if he had painted it.
"Don't worry too much. What happened this time was certainly surprising, but after all, it's a thing of the past. Even if I'm curious about the previous game, it can't be the same as back then. We both know that using the same pieces to play a game doesn't make it the same game, don’t we?"
"..."
"But if you need to, you can use me, hate me, and resent me instead. I'll gladly accept whatever you give me."
"That doesn't seem right. Rather, I should..."
His playfully serious voice was amusing, but in truth, even if Yuder really did it, he would have accepted it willingly. Yuder denied his words, feeling the atmosphere rapidly soften in a surprising way.
It was Kishiar's power that changed the atmosphere like this. He skillfully embraced Yuder, who didn't know how to release his pain alone, and helped him gently push his worries to the back.
He realized just how broad-minded Kishiar was, especially at times like this. Indeed, he was an unbeatable opponent...
In the sensation of the still flickering remnants of his unextinguished heat period, Yuder recalled Kishiar in his dream.
Like an unwelcome guest hidden in the shadows, that man stood alone. The Yuder in the dream had turned his face away and did not look at him, so he didn't know what expression he was wearing, but the current Kishiar said he had read fear in him.
Was that all that the current 'Kishiar' had read from there?
He thought it was probably not.
Then, if Yuder asked the questions he had long wondered about but never had answers to, could he answer them?
"Commander."
"Yes."
As soon as he called softly, an immediate reply came. Like Yuder, he was not asleep. The sound of his heartbeat became stronger as he slightly tightened his arm around Yuder.
Yuder listened closely and then spoke.
"If, as you said earlier, the Commander of the previous game really felt fear when he saw me in the Commander uniform, then why did you..."
"..."
"No, never mind."
He intended to ask why he was appointed as the Cavalry Commander, but he felt it was strange to ask someone who was the same yet different. After all, even he wouldn't know the perfect answer.
"Just go to sleep."
As Yuder shook his head and exhaled, Kishiar inserted his fingers into his hair and stroked it. As he repeated the action for a long time, the suffocating emotions disappeared, and slowly sleep approached.
Yuder blinked several times and then finally closed his eyes completely. Even after that, the man who continued the same actions whispered as a deep darkness once again fell over the small cabin.
"...Well... Not everything can be known, but one thing is certain. In the act of making new clothes, there is an old wish embedded, hoping that the person will wear them and think of the person who made it."
It was a story originating from an old tradition, unknown to many, but Kishiar knew it.
The man who was hiding his emotions in laughter, shrouded in shadows, surely knew the same fact.
Kishiar stroked his pale cheek, still slightly flushed from the remnants of the heat period. He cuddled Yuder and then closed his eyes in a corner of the small cabin.
The winter wind blowing outside could not invade that place.
—---
Another day had passed. Yuder got up from his bed, feeling the aftereffects of the heat period had completely faded.
His body felt surprisingly light and overflowing with energy. He felt as if he could blow away the whole cabin if he wanted to.
