“I didn't think much about it then, as the illusion itself was the issue. I only recognized that you were wearing a Commander's outfit. But seeing an outfit that I had never seen before in an illusion, what should I think of that?”
Yuder tried to think of another possibility where all these discrepancies could fit together as he looked into his sunken red eyes. However, everything he thought of felt like mere speculation, and it was difficult to be certain.
Kishiar continued speaking as he looked at the thoughtful Yuder.
"I've said this before, but I never found that illusion frightening in the least. I even speculated that perhaps that person had used a different illusion on me, one that didn't incite fear."
Yuder had thought the same thing.
Yuder, as seen by Kishiar in the illusion, was wearing the Cavalry Commander's uniform.
It seemed utterly unrelated to be a product of Nahan's illusions, which were known for drawing out and exaggerating the hidden fears of people.
Kishiar said that he never suspected Yuder of coveting the position of Cavalry Commander or found it frightening. Yuder had never felt differently about this. Therefore, Kishiar speculated that it might have been a reflection of his subconscious anxiety after seeing Yuder, who had almost died facing Pethuamet.
But considering it, Nahan knew what illusion Yuder had seen in the East before. If he had seen the previous life's Kishiar approaching while calling out the name "Yudrain" in a bloodied Commander's uniform, it was likely that Nahan, not knowing about the previous life, thought Yuder genuinely feared and wanted to kill his own Commander.
Then, wasn't it a rather clever choice for the illusion to show Yuder in a Commander's uniform to surprise Kishiar and sow discord?
Kishiar's speculation that the illusion wasn't one that stimulated fear but one created by Nahan himself seemed quite logical.
The fact that Kishiar didn't feel fear when he saw the illusion added credibility to this speculation.
But for this speculation to be true, the Commander's uniform Yuder wore in the illusion had to be Kishiar's. The uniform of Commander Yudrein Aile was very similar to Kishiar's, but upon close inspection, it wasn't exactly the same.
"But you know, when I saw myself from the previous game in a dream."
Kishiar's voice continued. His gaze was blurred, staring at something unknown.
"In the expression on your face as you stood alone, I felt the very fear I had never experienced seeing that same sight."
It felt like a faint murmur thundering powerfully in his head.
Yuder quickly shook his head.
"That's impossible."
Kishiar had seen it too. Throughout the Commander's appointment ceremony, the attitude of Kishiar La Orr at that time did not seem to feel such emotion at all. Fear? That didn't make any sense.
"Do you think so?"
"There's no reason for it."
"There's no reason."
Kishiar repeated Yuder's words and fell silent for a moment. Yuder realized that his breathing had quickened only after feeling Kishiar's hand gently stroking his back.
After calming his sharply heightened senses, Kishiar spoke again.
"I have a question for you. Who made the outfit you wore in the dream?"
Yuder, seemingly already guessing the answer, sighed and responded while looking at the man.
"It was the Cavalry Commander at that time."
Back then, Yuder hadn't even considered getting a new uniform for himself, anticipating a promotion to the Commander's position. He thought it would be sufficient to obtain and tailor one of the many uniforms that Kishiar wouldn't wear anymore.
The previous life's Kishiar had taken measurements of Yuder, specifying the material and the pattern of the embroidery, and had a new uniform made from scratch for him.
Yuder had guessed that it was probably due to Kishiar's pride.
He remembered how annoyed he was, having to go out for the fitting, thinking it was a waste of time and money, and that he would rather continue wearing his usual clothes.
But in the end, he wore the outfit Kishiar had prepared on the day of the appointment ceremony.
Until his death, Yuder's uniform remained unchanged from that design. First, because he thought it better to use his energy on other matters than changing uniforms, and second, because the uniform was designed to not go out of fashion despite long use.
A faint smile appeared and then disappeared on the man's face as he listened to Yuder's answer, as if he had expected it.
"There are many types of fear. The instinctive, intuitive fear for life engraved in our instincts. Or the vague fear of imagination, like fearing ghosts or spirits. And many more. I'm not afraid of a knife at my throat or ghosts, but there's one thing. I've often thought it frightening to face an ambiguous yet foreseeable future."
An ambiguous yet foreseeable future. It was a seemingly difficult concept to understand.
"Could you give an example?"
"Like when I knew that I would eventually die violently, yet I had to sleep to face the next day. Or when I felt the cycle approaching but could do nothing about it."
"..."
"The strongest I ever felt that emotion was during the late Emperor's funeral. It was the first time I thought there was nothing more powerless and frightening than just looking at the reality in front of me, while I could clearly imagine what would happen to me, my brother, and this country in the future."
So... did Yuder feel that the scene in his dream might have been a similar situation for Kishiar back then?
It seemed unlikely, but looking at Kishiar's face made him confused.
Even if the previous life's Kishiar had been afraid of seeing himself in the Commander's uniform, it was Kishiar who had left the position and departed first. It was a matter too far gone to reconsider now...
As Yuder remained silent, Kishiar embraced him tightly.
"I didn't bring this up to make you rethink about me from the previous game or to change anything. There's no need for that."
"Then, what conclusion are you trying to reach with this story?"
"If Nahan's illusion was indeed meant to evoke fear in me, and the illusion I saw of you was indeed from a previous life... maybe it reflected the fear of a 'me' that is me, but not the current 'me'."
Yuder's heart clenched tightly for a moment.
So... does it mean that Nahan used his ability to create an illusion of fear, but for some unknown reason, it manifested the 'fear' felt by a previous life of Kishiar, not the current one?
"It's impossible..."
"I... don't really know. It seems impossible to me."
"Think it through step by step, based on the facts that have been revealed," Kishiar said softly.
"The more urgent a situation, the more likely a person is to revert to familiar methods without thinking. Nahan was about to be caught and killed at that time. In such a situation, he would likely use a power he was familiar with and had often used. That power, as we have seen, is to evoke and reveal the target's fear."
Indeed, the most frequently used power by Nahan against his enemies had been to stimulate fear. In a situation where he was about to be captured by someone as formidable as Kishiar, there wouldn't have been much room to devise something new.
"The me here and now wouldn't be afraid even if you appeared in that uniform again. But the man I saw in your dream, he didn't seem unafraid. Even if it seems illogical, if something has already happened and there are fitting pieces, shouldn't we keep the possibility open?"
If a person could return from the dead to the past, why couldn't other things be believed? It seemed Kishiar was applying the same reasoning to himself that he had accepted when he believed in Yuder's return.
"Think about the dreams I've had but don't remember, the strange connection between us that seems to be strengthening since we've been together... Maybe that illusion was also related to that."
Hearing that, Yuder reflexively remembered the time Kishiar had called out 'Yudrain' in his sleep.
The chilling memory of that day. He hadn't thought further about it due to the shock, but on reflection, that too seemed more related to Kishiar's previous life than this one.
'...Illusions and sleep-talking... I never thought there could be a common phenomenon, but maybe there was.'
The emotions he had dismissed as impossible melted away with a dull ache.
Yuder had always thought of Kishiar in this life and the previous one as the same yet different beings. He had never considered that Kishiar in this life could be related in any way to his previous life.
But now, with the spectral presence of Yuder from the past already here, and their mysterious connection, perhaps it was natural for Kishiar to be entangled in it too.
The thought that somewhere in the unseen depths of the current Kishiar, something from a long-gone past life might exist brought a strange feeling, like a dry throat and stinging eyes.
But the unwavering red eyes facing him looked a bit pained, and Yuder swallowed the sensation.
'...Right.'
Nothing was certain yet. And even if the speculation turned into conviction, in the end, only one thing mattered.
Kishiar La Orr, alive here and now. Just that.
As long as he didn't forget that.
“I didn't think much about it then, as the illusion itself was the issue. I only recognized that you were wearing a Commander's outfit. But seeing an outfit that I had never seen before in an illusion, what should I think of that?”
Yuder tried to think of another possibility where all these discrepancies could fit together as he looked into his sunken red eyes. However, everything he thought of felt like mere speculation, and it was difficult to be certain.
Kishiar continued speaking as he looked at the thoughtful Yuder.
"I've said this before, but I never found that illusion frightening in the least. I even speculated that perhaps that person had used a different illusion on me, one that didn't incite fear."
Yuder had thought the same thing.
Yuder, as seen by Kishiar in the illusion, was wearing the Cavalry Commander's uniform.
It seemed utterly unrelated to be a product of Nahan's illusions, which were known for drawing out and exaggerating the hidden fears of people.
Kishiar said that he never suspected Yuder of coveting the position of Cavalry Commander or found it frightening. Yuder had never felt differently about this. Therefore, Kishiar speculated that it might have been a reflection of his subconscious anxiety after seeing Yuder, who had almost died facing Pethuamet.
But considering it, Nahan knew what illusion Yuder had seen in the East before. If he had seen the previous life's Kishiar approaching while calling out the name "Yudrain" in a bloodied Commander's uniform, it was likely that Nahan, not knowing about the previous life, thought Yuder genuinely feared and wanted to kill his own Commander.
Then, wasn't it a rather clever choice for the illusion to show Yuder in a Commander's uniform to surprise Kishiar and sow discord?
Kishiar's speculation that the illusion wasn't one that stimulated fear but one created by Nahan himself seemed quite logical.
The fact that Kishiar didn't feel fear when he saw the illusion added credibility to this speculation.
But for this speculation to be true, the Commander's uniform Yuder wore in the illusion had to be Kishiar's. The uniform of Commander Yudrein Aile was very similar to Kishiar's, but upon close inspection, it wasn't exactly the same.
"But you know, when I saw myself from the previous game in a dream."
Kishiar's voice continued. His gaze was blurred, staring at something unknown.
"In the expression on your face as you stood alone, I felt the very fear I had never experienced seeing that same sight."
It felt like a faint murmur thundering powerfully in his head.
Yuder quickly shook his head.
"That's impossible."
Kishiar had seen it too. Throughout the Commander's appointment ceremony, the attitude of Kishiar La Orr at that time did not seem to feel such emotion at all. Fear? That didn't make any sense.
"Do you think so?"
"There's no reason for it."
"There's no reason."
Kishiar repeated Yuder's words and fell silent for a moment. Yuder realized that his breathing had quickened only after feeling Kishiar's hand gently stroking his back.
After calming his sharply heightened senses, Kishiar spoke again.
"I have a question for you. Who made the outfit you wore in the dream?"
Yuder, seemingly already guessing the answer, sighed and responded while looking at the man.
"It was the Cavalry Commander at that time."
Back then, Yuder hadn't even considered getting a new uniform for himself, anticipating a promotion to the Commander's position. He thought it would be sufficient to obtain and tailor one of the many uniforms that Kishiar wouldn't wear anymore.
The previous life's Kishiar had taken measurements of Yuder, specifying the material and the pattern of the embroidery, and had a new uniform made from scratch for him.
Yuder had guessed that it was probably due to Kishiar's pride.
He remembered how annoyed he was, having to go out for the fitting, thinking it was a waste of time and money, and that he would rather continue wearing his usual clothes.
But in the end, he wore the outfit Kishiar had prepared on the day of the appointment ceremony.
Until his death, Yuder's uniform remained unchanged from that design. First, because he thought it better to use his energy on other matters than changing uniforms, and second, because the uniform was designed to not go out of fashion despite long use.
A faint smile appeared and then disappeared on the man's face as he listened to Yuder's answer, as if he had expected it.
"There are many types of fear. The instinctive, intuitive fear for life engraved in our instincts. Or the vague fear of imagination, like fearing ghosts or spirits. And many more. I'm not afraid of a knife at my throat or ghosts, but there's one thing. I've often thought it frightening to face an ambiguous yet foreseeable future."
An ambiguous yet foreseeable future. It was a seemingly difficult concept to understand.
"Could you give an example?"
"Like when I knew that I would eventually die violently, yet I had to sleep to face the next day. Or when I felt the cycle approaching but could do nothing about it."
"..."
"The strongest I ever felt that emotion was during the late Emperor's funeral. It was the first time I thought there was nothing more powerless and frightening than just looking at the reality in front of me, while I could clearly imagine what would happen to me, my brother, and this country in the future."
So... did Yuder feel that the scene in his dream might have been a similar situation for Kishiar back then?
It seemed unlikely, but looking at Kishiar's face made him confused.
Even if the previous life's Kishiar had been afraid of seeing himself in the Commander's uniform, it was Kishiar who had left the position and departed first. It was a matter too far gone to reconsider now...
As Yuder remained silent, Kishiar embraced him tightly.
"I didn't bring this up to make you rethink about me from the previous game or to change anything. There's no need for that."
"Then, what conclusion are you trying to reach with this story?"
"If Nahan's illusion was indeed meant to evoke fear in me, and the illusion I saw of you was indeed from a previous life... maybe it reflected the fear of a 'me' that is me, but not the current 'me'."
Yuder's heart clenched tightly for a moment.
So... does it mean that Nahan used his ability to create an illusion of fear, but for some unknown reason, it manifested the 'fear' felt by a previous life of Kishiar, not the current one?
"It's impossible..."
"I... don't really know. It seems impossible to me."
"Think it through step by step, based on the facts that have been revealed," Kishiar said softly.
"The more urgent a situation, the more likely a person is to revert to familiar methods without thinking. Nahan was about to be caught and killed at that time. In such a situation, he would likely use a power he was familiar with and had often used. That power, as we have seen, is to evoke and reveal the target's fear."
Indeed, the most frequently used power by Nahan against his enemies had been to stimulate fear. In a situation where he was about to be captured by someone as formidable as Kishiar, there wouldn't have been much room to devise something new.
"The me here and now wouldn't be afraid even if you appeared in that uniform again. But the man I saw in your dream, he didn't seem unafraid. Even if it seems illogical, if something has already happened and there are fitting pieces, shouldn't we keep the possibility open?"
If a person could return from the dead to the past, why couldn't other things be believed? It seemed Kishiar was applying the same reasoning to himself that he had accepted when he believed in Yuder's return.
"Think about the dreams I've had but don't remember, the strange connection between us that seems to be strengthening since we've been together... Maybe that illusion was also related to that."
Hearing that, Yuder reflexively remembered the time Kishiar had called out 'Yudrain' in his sleep.
The chilling memory of that day. He hadn't thought further about it due to the shock, but on reflection, that too seemed more related to Kishiar's previous life than this one.
'...Illusions and sleep-talking... I never thought there could be a common phenomenon, but maybe there was.'
The emotions he had dismissed as impossible melted away with a dull ache.
Yuder had always thought of Kishiar in this life and the previous one as the same yet different beings. He had never considered that Kishiar in this life could be related in any way to his previous life.
But now, with the spectral presence of Yuder from the past already here, and their mysterious connection, perhaps it was natural for Kishiar to be entangled in it too.
The thought that somewhere in the unseen depths of the current Kishiar, something from a long-gone past life might exist brought a strange feeling, like a dry throat and stinging eyes.
But the unwavering red eyes facing him looked a bit pained, and Yuder swallowed the sensation.
'...Right.'
Nothing was certain yet. And even if the speculation turned into conviction, in the end, only one thing mattered.
Kishiar La Orr, alive here and now. Just that.
As long as he didn't forget that.
