I heard a small creak on the floor and looked up to see Saionji-san standing in front of me, staring blankly at me.
I was supposed to be talking to Hiria-chan, but I wondered when she had walked in.
But she had just called me “Nekura-kun” in Hiria-chan’s voice.
A practical answer slowly rises to the top. It’s a lie, I think.
But this is probably the way it is.
I understand it on the surface, but I don’t seem to catch on. For some reason, it felt like something I shouldn’t understand, and my thoughts froze there for a while.
I don’t know how long we stayed there silently facing each other. We both stared at each other in silence, as if we were looking at something that wasn’t human.
No matter how much I thought about it, no matter how much time passed, no sense of reality came to me.
Eventually, Saionji-san’s shapely little lips moved in a quivering motion, emitting a sound.
“Liar….”
“Eh…”
“What were you trying to do when you lied about not having any friends and not being popular?”
“It’s not a lie…”
“But you do have friends, Sakura-kun! And you’re talking to girls… What is it then?”
“…”
“M-maybe you knew it was me and you were teasing me? Just because I don’t have any friends…”
“Co-come on, just calm down and think about everything till now. If I knew…”
“Shut up! Shut up! You’re terrible!”
I was so agitated that the blood was rushing to my head. I wanted to calm her down, but I was in as much of a panic as she was because I still couldn’t accept the reality.
“It’s a lie… No!”
My heart ached when she said that with tears rolling down her cheeks.
“Terrible… why did you…”
Saionji-san haphazardly wiped her tears with her arm.
With tears in her eyes, she dazedly walked back to the other side of the bookshelf. And while I was stunned, I heard the small sound of the door closing. But I still couldn’t move.
The room was filled with silence. I was left there alone. Until a moment ago, Hiria-chan had been laughing and talking with me. I still couldn’t accept that it was lost in an instant.
I wonder why she suddenly came here.
Saionji-san is Hiria-chan.
My consciousness couldn’t keep up with the sudden appearance of the fact.
Saionji-san is Hiria-chan.
No matter how many times I chanted it, it didn’t feel right.
To be honest, I didn’t think it was possible. I had ruled out the possibility as a matter of course quite early on.
Even if I had seen Saionji-san going into the second library, I wouldn’t have thought it was Hiria-chan. I would have thought she had some business to attend to.
The voice that I thought was similar seemed to be the same when I heard it again. However, the contrast between Saionji-san’s voice to me and Hiria-chan’s voice to Nekura’s was different in temperament, and more importantly, she laughed a lot. The nickname “Ice Princess” was definitely not appropriate.
In my mind, all sorts of things that have happened up to now become complicated.
A similar voice. A gorilla notepad. The person she lost contact with after the summer vacation. A friend from another class.
Looking back, there were a few things that seemed to match. I just assumed, without any reason, that it would never be the case.
Hiria-chan is Saionji-san.
I thought I could like any girl who was there. But what I felt after seeing her in person was completely different from the feeling I had expected.
It was impossible.
Thinking about it now, I guess I had been subconsciously expecting and imagining someone close to me, or even “lower” than me. A slightly inferior existence that would love me even when I was insecure and boring. Someone who would accept me for who I am. I was putting an idol on her that was convenient for me.
Her appearance was not very pretty. She was shy and couldn’t talk well with others. That’s why she doesn’t have any friends.
I thought that because she was inferior to others, she would be able to accept my inferiority.
I sat there dumbfounded, and before I knew it, the sun had gone down and it was dark, but I was still there. I couldn’t think straight.
I heard a crow cawing outside.
I vaguely imagined a crow flying through the autumn sky.
＊
I no longer received any of the e-mail that I used to receive frequently. Of course, we never met at that place.
As soon as Saionji-san found out it was me, she became cold, and as soon as I found out it was her, I couldn’t talk to her normally.
This is what it’s like to meet someone face to face and know their name.
If you don’t know someone at all, you may be able to accept them as they are. But if you do get to know them, two people are born from it.
No matter how much you like the person on the inside, no matter how much you forgive him or her, and no matter how much you think you can keep him or her the same, the reality is that the real thing, the name and the face, takes precedence, and you become conscious of it.
A creature with only consciousness will be killed by an entity.
I’ll never see Hiria-chan again.
Nekura and Hiria were easily killed, by none other than themselves.
Saionji-san was angry with me.
What kind of person did she expect me to be? Only she knows.
But she was sure it wasn’t me.
As for me, the more time passed, the more I became strangely calm.
All the while, I was quietly thinking in my head.
I thought about the girl I had suddenly stopped seeing.
Then, I thought about Saionji-san.
Saionji-san doesn’t have any friends.
She was always so dignified, even when she was alone. That’s why I never saw her as a “friendless girl” when she was alone.
It never occurred to me that she was worried about that.
Saionji-san never smiles.
It’s just that she never had the chance to laugh.
She laughs so often that she laughs at the sound of her own laughter, and she laughs when the principal points out the bean paste on her mouth.
The way she walks around in her tattered jersey.
A roaring voice saying excitedly that she has made a friend.
The image of her being called out by Saotome and leaving.
In my mind’s eye, I was reminded of Hiria-chan’s bright laughter as a passing memory.
I heard a small creak on the floor and looked up to see Saionji-san standing in front of me, staring blankly at me.
I was supposed to be talking to Hiria-chan, but I wondered when she had walked in.
But she had just called me “Nekura-kun” in Hiria-chan’s voice.
A practical answer slowly rises to the top. It’s a lie, I think.
But this is probably the way it is.
I understand it on the surface, but I don’t seem to catch on. For some reason, it felt like something I shouldn’t understand, and my thoughts froze there for a while.
I don’t know how long we stayed there silently facing each other. We both stared at each other in silence, as if we were looking at something that wasn’t human.
No matter how much I thought about it, no matter how much time passed, no sense of reality came to me.
Eventually, Saionji-san’s shapely little lips moved in a quivering motion, emitting a sound.
“Liar….”
“Eh…”
“What were you trying to do when you lied about not having any friends and not being popular?”
“It’s not a lie…”
“But you do have friends, Sakura-kun! And you’re talking to girls… What is it then?”
“…”
“M-maybe you knew it was me and you were teasing me? Just because I don’t have any friends…”
“Co-come on, just calm down and think about everything till now. If I knew…”
“Shut up! Shut up! You’re terrible!”
I was so agitated that the blood was rushing to my head. I wanted to calm her down, but I was in as much of a panic as she was because I still couldn’t accept the reality.
“It’s a lie… No!”
My heart ached when she said that with tears rolling down her cheeks.
“Terrible… why did you…”
Saionji-san haphazardly wiped her tears with her arm.
With tears in her eyes, she dazedly walked back to the other side of the bookshelf. And while I was stunned, I heard the small sound of the door closing. But I still couldn’t move.
The room was filled with silence. I was left there alone. Until a moment ago, Hiria-chan had been laughing and talking with me. I still couldn’t accept that it was lost in an instant.
I wonder why she suddenly came here.
Saionji-san is Hiria-chan.
My consciousness couldn’t keep up with the sudden appearance of the fact.
Saionji-san is Hiria-chan.
No matter how many times I chanted it, it didn’t feel right.
To be honest, I didn’t think it was possible. I had ruled out the possibility as a matter of course quite early on.
Even if I had seen Saionji-san going into the second library, I wouldn’t have thought it was Hiria-chan. I would have thought she had some business to attend to.
The voice that I thought was similar seemed to be the same when I heard it again. However, the contrast between Saionji-san’s voice to me and Hiria-chan’s voice to Nekura’s was different in temperament, and more importantly, she laughed a lot. The nickname “Ice Princess” was definitely not appropriate.
In my mind, all sorts of things that have happened up to now become complicated.
A similar voice. A gorilla notepad. The person she lost contact with after the summer vacation. A friend from another class.
Looking back, there were a few things that seemed to match. I just assumed, without any reason, that it would never be the case.
Hiria-chan is Saionji-san.
I thought I could like any girl who was there. But what I felt after seeing her in person was completely different from the feeling I had expected.
It was impossible.
Thinking about it now, I guess I had been subconsciously expecting and imagining someone close to me, or even “lower” than me. A slightly inferior existence that would love me even when I was insecure and boring. Someone who would accept me for who I am. I was putting an idol on her that was convenient for me.
Her appearance was not very pretty. She was shy and couldn’t talk well with others. That’s why she doesn’t have any friends.
I thought that because she was inferior to others, she would be able to accept my inferiority.
I sat there dumbfounded, and before I knew it, the sun had gone down and it was dark, but I was still there. I couldn’t think straight.
I heard a crow cawing outside.
I vaguely imagined a crow flying through the autumn sky.
＊
I no longer received any of the e-mail that I used to receive frequently. Of course, we never met at that place.
As soon as Saionji-san found out it was me, she became cold, and as soon as I found out it was her, I couldn’t talk to her normally.
This is what it’s like to meet someone face to face and know their name.
If you don’t know someone at all, you may be able to accept them as they are. But if you do get to know them, two people are born from it.
No matter how much you like the person on the inside, no matter how much you forgive him or her, and no matter how much you think you can keep him or her the same, the reality is that the real thing, the name and the face, takes precedence, and you become conscious of it.
A creature with only consciousness will be killed by an entity.
I’ll never see Hiria-chan again.
Nekura and Hiria were easily killed, by none other than themselves.
Saionji-san was angry with me.
What kind of person did she expect me to be? Only she knows.
But she was sure it wasn’t me.
As for me, the more time passed, the more I became strangely calm.
All the while, I was quietly thinking in my head.
I thought about the girl I had suddenly stopped seeing.
Then, I thought about Saionji-san.
Saionji-san doesn’t have any friends.
She was always so dignified, even when she was alone. That’s why I never saw her as a “friendless girl” when she was alone.
It never occurred to me that she was worried about that.
Saionji-san never smiles.
It’s just that she never had the chance to laugh.
She laughs so often that she laughs at the sound of her own laughter, and she laughs when the principal points out the bean paste on her mouth.
The way she walks around in her tattered jersey.
A roaring voice saying excitedly that she has made a friend.
The image of her being called out by Saotome and leaving.
In my mind’s eye, I was reminded of Hiria-chan’s bright laughter as a passing memory.
