Chapter 165: Resentment And Disappointment
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"Your grandmother misses you, Nugget. And your sisters too."
"Which sister are we talking about? Is it a new one?" she asked.
Her voice was laced with bitterness and sarcasm. She took a deep breath. Despite not truly being angry with her siblings or the women her father impregnated, her voice came out as sarcastic and angry every time she spoke with her father.
She inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. She started counting at the back of her head, and she kept her mouth tightly shut for the fear of saying something that she couldn't take back, even if she apologized.
The corner of her eyes sting. She thought after so many years, she thought she already controlled this anger that always bubbles in her chest whenever she was talking to her father.
She was wrong. The years and the distance didn't diminish her anger. Not a single bit.
"Nugget, I know —"
"You had a long flight, and I have to wake up early. I have an orientation tomorrow for my internship." She cut her father to end the conversation.
She was sure until when she could stay civil before she would erupt into their usual argument. The fight they had in the past was too vivid in her mind. The hurtful words that they exchanged and hurled at each other were too painful for her, that until now, she could still taste them in her tongue.
She doesn't want a repeat of that. And she would rather run away from a conversation than do a repeat of her outburst in the past.
"Oh! You are already doing your internship. How time flies." He could sense that Jess was boiling with silent rage, and he couldn't blame him. He only has himself to blame.
"Uhm." She picked up his coffee mug even though he wasn't finished with his coffee, yet. She stood up and took the mug to the kitchen and washed it on the sink.
She didn't realize that she didn't ask her father if he was done with his coffee. She just took the mug because she needed to put a distance between them.
Her chest was so heavy with so many unnamed emotions swirling in her chest.
"Let me show you your room," she told her father after drying her hands in the kitchen towel that she still hasn't let go, and clutched in her hands.
Sebastian took a deep breath, casually picked up his duffel bag that he dropped on the floor, and followed his daughter.
Watching his daughter, walking ahead of him, he has the overwhelming urge to pull her in his arms, but he clenched his hands to his side because he knew — it's either Jess would cry or he would, or worse he could find himself with a broken bone.
He knew how capable she was to break someone's bones. He was the one who trained her after all.
"You can use this room." She pushed the door open and leaned against the door frame, letting her father inside the guest room where Luke was forced to vacate.
"It has its own bathroom and my room on the other side," she added as she watched her father drop his bag on the bed. "You can find everything you'll need in this room. Good night!" She turned to her heels to escape to her own bedroom.
"Jessica — I miss you," he blurted out before she could run away from him.
Jess, hearing her father calling her with her first name and not his pet name for her. She knew her father was also controlling his emotions and now desperate.
She scoffed and twisted the kitchen towel that she had been gripping in her hands. She took a deep breath before she turned around to face her father.
"I know. Believe me, I know," she said with her voice trembling and the tears that she had been holding slowly escaped her eyes, "I know," she smiled "...but it's not going to change anything."
She wiped her tears, and swallowed the lump that formed at the back of her throat, "Goodnight, Pa."
Sebastian was rendered speechless and rooted on the floor as he watched his beloved daughter cry. He felt the pang of pain that hit his gut and his heart simultaneously, he gasped for air to breathe.
He was jolted from being frozen like a statue on the floor when he heard a door being slammed shut across from his. He shoved his hands in his jeans pocket and started pacing the room.
She walked hurriedly to her room. She threw the kitchen towel she had been holding after slamming the door shut behind her.
She went to her bed dove under her blanket and released the tears that have been caged long enough. The fat tears that streamed down her cheeks were all the pain she had in her heart. Her pain, and disappointment.
***
"Jess, it's already late. Aren't you going home?"
He was standing at the foot of his bed with his arms folded across his chest, watching Jess sprawled like a dead starfish in his bed. She offered to drive him home but she didn't say that she was going to hang out in his apartment and it seemed like she had no plan to go home.
"Jess? Do you want to talk?" He gently asked and didn't get a reply.
She didn't even stir. He wasn't sure if he heard her at all. She was just staring at his ceiling as though his ceiling was an art worth staring at.
"I'll be outside. I will make you your favorite food. Come out when you are ready."
Leaving the bedroom door open, he didn't wait for her reply.
He was twirling his phone in his hands as he walked to the kitchen. He was thinking if he should send Ellise a message. He worries about Jess. This is the first time he saw her like this.
He never suspected Jess had a problem with her father based on her stories about him. When Jess offered to drive him home, he was excited to ask her about her hunk of a father. In his mind, he was going to pester her to let him meet her father.
But then, Jess went directly to his bedroom as soon as they arrived in his apartment and lied down on his bed. Refusing to talk.
He sighed as he took out the chicken breast from the freezer. He was washing the vegetables for the stir fry chicken and veggies that Jess loves when he heard her voice behind him.
"Do you have some wine?"
"What the — are you going to kill me, Jess?" He clutched his chest that was beating wildly, surprised that she came out of the room.
"You aren't that weak to die for being startled." she scoffed.
He rolled his eyes at her, and slammed the washed vegetables in front of her, "Cut the vegetables, and then, I might give you some wine."
"Seriously? Are you sure you would trust me with a knife in my hand?" she propped her elbow on the kitchen table and cupped her chin, "You are thinking that I am killing you…"
"Fine! Don't help with cutting the vegetables." He dropped himself on the chair across from her, "but you are not going to drink until you eat something."
Jess took a deep breath and grabbed the cutting board, "Give me a knife."
When he didn't move, she gave him a smirk, dropped her voice, and said, "I promise not to kill you." she giggled when Luke rolled his eyes.
He pushed the knife he was holding to her and stood up from his chair.
Jess was slicing a red bell pepper when he came back with another chopping board, knife, and wine glasses, and a bottle of wine under his armpit.
Put down the chopping board and knife, the wine glasses, and pop out the cork of the wine bottle.
He poured the wine glasses some wine before he sat back down to his chair, to start slicing vegetables.
"Say whatever you want to say. You are pissing me off with your imploring gaze."
"Uhm, I actually don't know what to ask even though I am dying of curiosity with your father that so —" he bit his lower lip, watching Jess under his lashes.
She leaned back on the backrest of the chair, sipping her wine, "My father and I have a very… complex relationship…"
He picked up his wine and got ready to listen.
She laughed when she saw Luke's expression, "It's just --- how to say it," she heaved a sigh, "I am angry. Always have been."
"What makes you angry?"
She scoffed, "Don't make it sound like a therapy session." she clicked her tongue at him. "I'm angry that my father couldn't help fathering so many children. I'm angry..." she said as she drank the wine in her glass.
"If I am going, to be honest, I am not really angry. I am more disappointed, I guess." she poured herself another glass.
"Parents can disappoint us," he commented, sipping his own wine.
"No. I am not disappointed in my father. I am disappointed in myself. I am disappointed and very very angry."
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"Your grandmother misses you, Nugget. And your sisters too."
"Which sister are we talking about? Is it a new one?" she asked.
Her voice was laced with bitterness and sarcasm. She took a deep breath. Despite not truly being angry with her siblings or the women her father impregnated, her voice came out as sarcastic and angry every time she spoke with her father.
She inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. She started counting at the back of her head, and she kept her mouth tightly shut for the fear of saying something that she couldn't take back, even if she apologized.
The corner of her eyes sting. She thought after so many years, she thought she already controlled this anger that always bubbles in her chest whenever she was talking to her father.
She was wrong. The years and the distance didn't diminish her anger. Not a single bit.
"Nugget, I know —"
"You had a long flight, and I have to wake up early. I have an orientation tomorrow for my internship." She cut her father to end the conversation.
She was sure until when she could stay civil before she would erupt into their usual argument. The fight they had in the past was too vivid in her mind. The hurtful words that they exchanged and hurled at each other were too painful for her, that until now, she could still taste them in her tongue.
She doesn't want a repeat of that. And she would rather run away from a conversation than do a repeat of her outburst in the past.
"Oh! You are already doing your internship. How time flies." He could sense that Jess was boiling with silent rage, and he couldn't blame him. He only has himself to blame.
"Uhm." She picked up his coffee mug even though he wasn't finished with his coffee, yet. She stood up and took the mug to the kitchen and washed it on the sink.
She didn't realize that she didn't ask her father if he was done with his coffee. She just took the mug because she needed to put a distance between them.
Her chest was so heavy with so many unnamed emotions swirling in her chest.
"Let me show you your room," she told her father after drying her hands in the kitchen towel that she still hasn't let go, and clutched in her hands.
Sebastian took a deep breath, casually picked up his duffel bag that he dropped on the floor, and followed his daughter.
Watching his daughter, walking ahead of him, he has the overwhelming urge to pull her in his arms, but he clenched his hands to his side because he knew — it's either Jess would cry or he would, or worse he could find himself with a broken bone.
He knew how capable she was to break someone's bones. He was the one who trained her after all.
"You can use this room." She pushed the door open and leaned against the door frame, letting her father inside the guest room where Luke was forced to vacate.
"It has its own bathroom and my room on the other side," she added as she watched her father drop his bag on the bed. "You can find everything you'll need in this room. Good night!" She turned to her heels to escape to her own bedroom.
"Jessica — I miss you," he blurted out before she could run away from him.
Jess, hearing her father calling her with her first name and not his pet name for her. She knew her father was also controlling his emotions and now desperate.
She scoffed and twisted the kitchen towel that she had been gripping in her hands. She took a deep breath before she turned around to face her father.
"I know. Believe me, I know," she said with her voice trembling and the tears that she had been holding slowly escaped her eyes, "I know," she smiled "...but it's not going to change anything."
She wiped her tears, and swallowed the lump that formed at the back of her throat, "Goodnight, Pa."
Sebastian was rendered speechless and rooted on the floor as he watched his beloved daughter cry. He felt the pang of pain that hit his gut and his heart simultaneously, he gasped for air to breathe.
He was jolted from being frozen like a statue on the floor when he heard a door being slammed shut across from his. He shoved his hands in his jeans pocket and started pacing the room.
She walked hurriedly to her room. She threw the kitchen towel she had been holding after slamming the door shut behind her.
She went to her bed dove under her blanket and released the tears that have been caged long enough. The fat tears that streamed down her cheeks were all the pain she had in her heart. Her pain, and disappointment.
***
"Jess, it's already late. Aren't you going home?"
He was standing at the foot of his bed with his arms folded across his chest, watching Jess sprawled like a dead starfish in his bed. She offered to drive him home but she didn't say that she was going to hang out in his apartment and it seemed like she had no plan to go home.
"Jess? Do you want to talk?" He gently asked and didn't get a reply.
She didn't even stir. He wasn't sure if he heard her at all. She was just staring at his ceiling as though his ceiling was an art worth staring at.
"I'll be outside. I will make you your favorite food. Come out when you are ready."
Leaving the bedroom door open, he didn't wait for her reply.
He was twirling his phone in his hands as he walked to the kitchen. He was thinking if he should send Ellise a message. He worries about Jess. This is the first time he saw her like this.
He never suspected Jess had a problem with her father based on her stories about him. When Jess offered to drive him home, he was excited to ask her about her hunk of a father. In his mind, he was going to pester her to let him meet her father.
But then, Jess went directly to his bedroom as soon as they arrived in his apartment and lied down on his bed. Refusing to talk.
He sighed as he took out the chicken breast from the freezer. He was washing the vegetables for the stir fry chicken and veggies that Jess loves when he heard her voice behind him.
"Do you have some wine?"
"What the — are you going to kill me, Jess?" He clutched his chest that was beating wildly, surprised that she came out of the room.
"You aren't that weak to die for being startled." she scoffed.
He rolled his eyes at her, and slammed the washed vegetables in front of her, "Cut the vegetables, and then, I might give you some wine."
"Seriously? Are you sure you would trust me with a knife in my hand?" she propped her elbow on the kitchen table and cupped her chin, "You are thinking that I am killing you…"
"Fine! Don't help with cutting the vegetables." He dropped himself on the chair across from her, "but you are not going to drink until you eat something."
Jess took a deep breath and grabbed the cutting board, "Give me a knife."
When he didn't move, she gave him a smirk, dropped her voice, and said, "I promise not to kill you." she giggled when Luke rolled his eyes.
He pushed the knife he was holding to her and stood up from his chair.
Jess was slicing a red bell pepper when he came back with another chopping board, knife, and wine glasses, and a bottle of wine under his armpit.
Put down the chopping board and knife, the wine glasses, and pop out the cork of the wine bottle.
He poured the wine glasses some wine before he sat back down to his chair, to start slicing vegetables.
"Say whatever you want to say. You are pissing me off with your imploring gaze."
"Uhm, I actually don't know what to ask even though I am dying of curiosity with your father that so —" he bit his lower lip, watching Jess under his lashes.
She leaned back on the backrest of the chair, sipping her wine, "My father and I have a very… complex relationship…"
He picked up his wine and got ready to listen.
She laughed when she saw Luke's expression, "It's just --- how to say it," she heaved a sigh, "I am angry. Always have been."
"What makes you angry?"
She scoffed, "Don't make it sound like a therapy session." she clicked her tongue at him. "I'm angry that my father couldn't help fathering so many children. I'm angry..." she said as she drank the wine in her glass.
"If I am going, to be honest, I am not really angry. I am more disappointed, I guess." she poured herself another glass.
"Parents can disappoint us," he commented, sipping his own wine.
"No. I am not disappointed in my father. I am disappointed in myself. I am disappointed and very very angry."
"Your grandmother misses you, Nugget. And your sisters too." "Which sister are we talking about? Is it a new one?" she asked.Her voice was laced with bitterness and sarcasm. She took a deep breath. Despite not truly being angry with her siblings or the women her father impregnated, her voice came out as sarcastic and angry every time she spoke with her father.She inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. She started counting at the back of her head, and she kept her mouth tightly shut for the fear of saying something that she couldn't take back, even if she apologized. The corner of her eyes sting. She thought after so many years, she thought she already controlled this anger that always bubbles in her chest whenever she was talking to her father. She was wrong. The years and the distance didn't diminish her anger. Not a single bit. "Nugget, I know " "You had a long flight, and I have to wake up early. I have an orientation tomorrow for my internship." She cut her father to end the conversation. She was sure until when she could stay civil before she would erupt into their usual argument. The fight they had in the past was too vivid in her mind. The hurtful words that they exchanged and hurled at each other were too painful for her, that until now, she could still taste them in her tongue. She doesn't want a repeat of that. And she would rather run away from a conversation than do a repeat of her outburst in the past. "Oh! You are already doing your internship. How time flies." He could sense that Jess was boiling with silent rage, and he couldn't blame him. He only has himself to blame. "Uhm." She picked up his coffee mug even though he wasn't finished with his coffee, yet. She stood up and took the mug to the kitchen and washed it on the sink. She didn't realize that she didn't ask her father if he was done with his coffee. She just took the mug because she needed to put a distance between them. Her chest was so heavy with so many unnamed emotions swirling in her chest. "Let me show you your room," she told her father after drying her hands in the kitchen towel that she still hasn't let go, and clutched in her hands. Sebastian took a deep breath, casually picked up his duffel bag that he dropped on the floor, and followed his daughter. Watching his daughter, walking ahead of him, he has the overwhelming urge to pull her in his arms, but he clenched his hands to his side because he knew it's either Jess would cry or he would, or worse he could find himself with a broken bone. He knew how capable she was to break someone's bones. He was the one who trained her after all. "You can use this room." She pushed the door open and leaned against the door frame, letting her father inside the guest room where Luke was forced to vacate. "It has its own bathroom and my room on the other side," she added as she watched her father drop his bag on the bed. "You can find everything you'll need in this room. Good night!" She turned to her heels to escape to her own bedroom. "Jessica I miss you," he blurted out before she could run away from him. Jess, hearing her father calling her with her first name and not his pet name for her. She knew her father was also controlling his emotions and now desperate. She scoffed and twisted the kitchen towel that she had been gripping in her hands. She took a deep breath before she turned around to face her father. "I know. Believe me, I know," she said with her voice trembling and the tears that she had been holding slowly escaped her eyes, "I know," she smiled "...but it's not going to change anything." She wiped her tears, and swallowed the lump that formed at the back of her throat, "Goodnight, Pa." Sebastian was rendered speechless and rooted on the floor as he watched his beloved daughter cry. He felt the pang of pain that hit his gut and his heart simultaneously, he gasped for air to breathe. He was jolted from being frozen like a statue on the floor when he heard a door being slammed shut across from his. He shoved his hands in his jeans pocket and started pacing the room. She walked hurriedly to her room. She threw the kitchen towel she had been holding after slamming the door shut behind her. She went to her bed dove under her blanket and released the tears that have been caged long enough. The fat tears that streamed down her cheeks were all the pain she had in her heart. Her pain, and disappointment. ***"Jess, it's already late. Aren't you going home?" He was standing at the foot of his bed with his arms folded across his chest, watching Jess sprawled like a dead starfish in his bed. She offered to drive him home but she didn't say that she was going to hang out in his apartment and it seemed like she had no plan to go home. "Jess? Do you want to talk?" He gently asked and didn't get a reply. She didn't even stir. He wasn't sure if he heard her at all. She was just staring at his ceiling as though his ceiling was an art worth staring at. "I'll be outside. I will make you your favorite food. Come out when you are ready." Leaving the bedroom door open, he didn't wait for her reply. He was twirling his phone in his hands as he walked to the kitchen. He was thinking if he should send Ellise a message. He worries about Jess. This is the first time he saw her like this. He never suspected Jess had a problem with her father based on her stories about him. When Jess offered to drive him home, he was excited to ask her about her hunk of a father. In his mind, he was going to pester her to let him meet her father.But then, Jess went directly to his bedroom as soon as they arrived in his apartment and lied down on his bed. Refusing to talk. He sighed as he took out the chicken breast from the freezer. He was washing the vegetables for the stir fry chicken and veggies that Jess loves when he heard her voice behind him."Do you have some wine?" "What the are you going to kill me, Jess?" He clutched his chest that was beating wildly, surprised that she came out of the room. "You aren't that weak to die for being startled." she scoffed. He rolled his eyes at her, and slammed the washed vegetables in front of her, "Cut the vegetables, and then, I might give you some wine." "Seriously? Are you sure you would trust me with a knife in my hand?" she propped her elbow on the kitchen table and cupped her chin, "You are thinking that I am killing you" "Fine! Don't help with cutting the vegetables." He dropped himself on the chair across from her, "but you are not going to drink until you eat something." Jess took a deep breath and grabbed the cutting board, "Give me a knife." When he didn't move, she gave him a smirk, dropped her voice, and said, "I promise not to kill you." she giggled when Luke rolled his eyes. He pushed the knife he was holding to her and stood up from his chair. Jess was slicing a red bell pepper when he came back with another chopping board, knife, and wine glasses, and a bottle of wine under his armpit. Put down the chopping board and knife, the wine glasses, and pop out the cork of the wine bottle. He poured the wine glasses some wine before he sat back down to his chair, to start slicing vegetables. "Say whatever you want to say. You are pissing me off with your imploring gaze." "Uhm, I actually don't know what to ask even though I am dying of curiosity with your father that so " he bit his lower lip, watching Jess under his lashes. She leaned back on the backrest of the chair, sipping her wine, "My father and I have a very complex relationship" He picked up his wine and got ready to listen.She laughed when she saw Luke's expression, "It's just --- how to say it," she heaved a sigh, "I am angry. Always have been." "What makes you angry?" She scoffed, "Don't make it sound like a therapy session." she clicked her tongue at him. "I'm angry that my father couldn't help fathering so many children. I'm angry..." she said as she drank the wine in her glass."If I am going, to be honest, I am not really angry. I am more disappointed, I guess." she poured herself another glass."Parents can disappoint us," he commented, sipping his own wine."No. I am not disappointed in my father. I am disappointed in myself. I am disappointed and very very angry."
