I must have looked really annoying, ignoring the warning not to drink and not even getting permission to drink his own alcohol. Why did I do that? I must be really crazy. However, contrary to my expectation that he would get angry, Tae Seong-je spoke calmly.
“I’ll let you off for not taking my words seriously. I can find that cute to some extent.”
I wiped my sweat away and raised my head.
“I didn’t know either, but it seems like I like you enough to let you cross the line a few times.”
I awkwardly laughed along with him as he smiled brightly as if he was happy to have discovered a new fact. This was the first time I had heard someone say they liked me, but why did I not feel good about it and only feel uneasy? As if my prediction had hit the mark, Tae Seong-je suddenly became serious.
“However.”
The cold look in his eyes instantly made my nerves tingle here and there as if they were on fire. Something was not right. Without realizing it, I lay flat on the ground.
“What you’re doing with your body is not cute at all. The guy who collapsed… as soon as he woke up, he drank alcohol again? Couldn’t you resist it while I was out for a moment?”
His raging voice grew more piercing. His bright eyes were red from staying up all night, and bulging blue veins appeared more clearly on the nape of his neck than before, and he stopped breathing. He’s going to blow up! I paused and quickly clasped my hands, putting everything behind me, including the house, Seo Seung-won, and Woo Ji-min.
“I, I was-…”
But before I could apologize, his voice suddenly became rough.
“And you drink half of it on an empty stomach!”
His black shirt, especially the tightness around the chest, seemed particularly angry. The situation was not good. I tried to say that I didn’t have an empty stomach since I ate it with snacks, but I just gave up and begged. He didn’t raise his fist or make any threats, but somewhere I felt like his patience was about to snap, and it sent a chill down my spine.
“If you have a reason why you had to drink it, I’ll listen.”
An unbearable silence was followed by a deep sigh, and then he suddenly relented. Oh, he didn’t explode. Does that mean this is an opportunity? In that case, I had to seize it. I quickly got up from my prone position and put on a serious expression.
“Hyung, when I drink, my body really feels lighter.”
I spoke with sincerity. He listened quietly, and then he slowly tapped his chin. Time seemed to drag on as he stared at the ceiling. His thick forearm resting on his thigh and his fingers moving restlessly made me extremely nervous.
He didn’t believe it. It’s true though… But it’s not like I don’t understand at all, so I tried to persuade him with a little more sincerity. Just in case.
“Originally, even if I stay still, I hurt all over. But when I drink, the pain eases a bit.”
“…”
His expression becomes increasingly dark. He took my cigarette pack that I had left next to the alcohol. The cigarette pack rolled in his hand looked small and looked like a toy at first glance. I quickly handed him the mini torch after he took out a cigarette. Tae Seong-je’s expression, which had calmed for a moment, suddenly crumpled.
“You smoke, seriously.”
His face was both intimidating and displeased, with visible blood vessels pulsing. I timidly moved away, and his expression turned into something other than displeasure as he slowly lit the cigarette. Even if he died and came back to life, he probably wouldn’t understand my situation. Tae Seong-je was an extremely rational person who couldn’t believe in my surreal life. It was unfortunate, but unavoidable.
I used to like watching his cheeks sink deeply when he inhaled, so I wanted to enjoy that for a moment. But for some reason, he just burned the cigarette until it was nothing but ash. He looked so distraught and deep in thought that I didn’t dare speak to him, and the cigarette pack was mercilessly crumpled in his hands.
“Where did you get this?”
“A convenience store. …Hyung, I bought it with my own money.”
Why did he look at me with such distrust?
“But you don’t smoke. So why did you buy this?”
Because I missed you.
“Because it was tough.”
A different answer slipped out instead of what I wanted to say. But that was also another answer. I realized it too late, but I just accepted it with indifference. Denying that it was tough wouldn’t change anything anyway.
Then he unexpectedly tapped the cigarette butt against the opening of the small whiskey bottle. Why ruin a perfectly good bottle of alcohol? I couldn’t believe it, and I stared at his indifferent face in disbelief.
“What… What’s making it so tough for you?”
“…”
He brushed my cheek. Thanks to that, my lips curled up slightly, creating a subtly smiling face. I closed my mouth and chose silence. I felt like demanding understanding was too greedy, so I refrained.
Then he did something unexpected. He put the cigarette directly into the bottle of alcohol. I was shocked, and my eyes widened in astonishment.
“What are you doing? Huh? Uh…”
The moment I was about to protest, he lifted me up. He carried me to the kitchen… and placed me not on the countertop but between the sink. I lost my balance and lowered my head into the sink, then tilted my head. What’s he doing? Did he want to do it here again? So suddenly?
Then a stream of water gushed out. I gasped as I looked at the cool water pouring right next to me. Was this his way of showing displeasure because I kept ignoring his warnings? I believed that he wasn’t the kind of person who would resort to torture, even though he was a gangster. I shouted at him with a face that must have looked quite irritated, even without looking.
“No matter how, hyung, even if I know you’re a gangster, this isn’t right!”
“It’s more like getting your head wet if it’s just this much water, so do you want to dip your head once?”
“…”
“This is really… how you see me.”
“No, I’m just too surprised, stop it.”
“You’re noisy. Just stay still.”
He grumbled irritably and began to wash his hands meticulously. It was uncomfortable to see him washing his hands while holding me. I couldn’t help but watch. His strong arms with rolled-up sleeves, bulging veins, thick wrists, and his hands wet from the running water were quite captivating.
It felt like sitting in the best seat and secretly watching or rather, casually watching the everyday life of the person I liked. I had so many thoughts. I watched him observe his wet palms, wondering how far he would think about things… even watching him wipe off the moisture with a generous heart. Suddenly, he grabbed my chin.
“Uh!”
My lips were forced apart as he put pressure on my cheeks with his thumb and index finger. His finger went deep into my mouth. His fingers, other than the one that held my chin in place, pressed against my tongue and the roof of my mouth. I squirmed in surprise, but I couldn’t move because of his strong grip. I silently cursed him in my mind.
It seemed he was going to make me throw up everything I drank. He’s really cruel. It’s too much. Tears welled up in my eyes, but before his long fingers could stimulate my throat, I wriggled my tongue inside my mouth in protest. The drool drenched his fingers and dripped down the sink. I grabbed his wet hand and thick wrist tightly with both hands and pushed him away…
Ah, he’s not budging at all! I resolved firmly to do more arm exercises while clenching my teeth.
…Should I bite him?
“Hey, are you going to bite like a damn dog now?”
I slowly raised my gaze without the tension in my jaw, and Tae Seong-je was smiling grimly.
“You’ve shown me how to get drunk like a dog, and now you’re biting? Do you really want to act like a dog, or do you want to do that kind of thing? Do you want to put on a leash and crawl into a doghouse?”
“Ugh, ugh.”
I shook my head vigorously from side to side. I realized that the tension in his hand had disappeared for a moment. With his fingers still in my mouth, I held my lips apart and remained on guard. I quickly thought about how to escape, but was he teasing me for making such a small mistake?
“Why. I can take you for a walk every day. I’m looking for a house with a yard so I can live with my dog. I’ll take good care of you, and you won’t have to worry about being abandoned. They say selling a dog is a profitable business, so why don’t you try it?”
“I was wrong… Aah, hyung, my throat! It hurts!”
I knew he had caught on to my intentions when he tried to put his fingers back in, so I shouted urgently and protected the drink in my stomach—no, I mean my mouth. It was an impulsive statement because it seemed like he was concerned about my pain. This was the first time I had used my pain in this way.
But honestly, I was about to give up because I felt like he was going to tell me to stop freaking out and spit out all the alcohol, but his ruthless hand suddenly stopped. I opened my eyes that had been closed in resignation. I couldn’t believe this would work, but it did! I grabbed his wrist and quickly pushed him away.
I moistened my dry mouth and then slowly raised my head towards him. I spoke to him with a hesitant voice.
“If I throw up, it, it hurts…”
“…”
“Hyung, I don’t like being hurt…”
“…”
Surprisingly, really surprisingly, Tae Seong-je retreated. He continued to wipe his hands with a grimace on his face. I took a step back, trying not to disturb him. I slowly moved away from him as I wiped the saliva from my lips. I wondered if he had eyes on the back of his head because he suddenly spoke.
“Come on.”
“…”
I obediently approached him from behind and waited. I kept my eyes on the floor, but when I finally raised my gaze, I met his cold eyes.
“Seo Seung-won.”
“I’m sorry.”
I lowered my head deeply to start with an apology. It seemed like my genuine remorse had an effect because his voice softened slightly.
“Should I put you in the hospital for alcoholism?”
“No…”
“Don’t just give a nice answer just because your mouth is open.”
The sound of his tongue clicking created an unspoken pressure. Since he didn’t believe my words that alcohol was my medicine, what else could I say? I wasn’t disappointed. Focusing on each of these things would only prolong my depression.
“…I say these things because I’m worried.”
I nodded, unable to hide my sadness. I know. Unless I’m a robot, there’s no way I wouldn’t know. But, please… I was just… I stared blankly at the floor when suddenly my shoulder was firmly grasped. Startled, I raised my head and turned around quickly.
“H-hyung?”
He led me to the veranda, or more precisely, to where my bag was located. He led me there without hesitation. Despite having a perfectly good bed and sofa, I was forced to sit on the floor, and to make matters worse, he made me sit on his thigh. The moment my behind touched his firm thigh muscle and felt its presence, tension surged through me.
“Seems like my baby here can’t understand words. Damn it, just stay still.”
“B-but…”
Hyung, yours is touching me! I couldn’t sit comfortably, and as I squirmed, my survival bag suddenly nestled into my lap. In my haste to grab the bag, he wrapped his arm around me from behind.
I must have looked really annoying, ignoring the warning not to drink and not even getting permission to drink his own alcohol. Why did I do that? I must be really crazy. However, contrary to my expectation that he would get angry, Tae Seong-je spoke calmly.
“I’ll let you off for not taking my words seriously. I can find that cute to some extent.”
I wiped my sweat away and raised my head.
“I didn’t know either, but it seems like I like you enough to let you cross the line a few times.”
I awkwardly laughed along with him as he smiled brightly as if he was happy to have discovered a new fact. This was the first time I had heard someone say they liked me, but why did I not feel good about it and only feel uneasy? As if my prediction had hit the mark, Tae Seong-je suddenly became serious.
“However.”
The cold look in his eyes instantly made my nerves tingle here and there as if they were on fire. Something was not right. Without realizing it, I lay flat on the ground.
“What you’re doing with your body is not cute at all. The guy who collapsed… as soon as he woke up, he drank alcohol again? Couldn’t you resist it while I was out for a moment?”
His raging voice grew more piercing. His bright eyes were red from staying up all night, and bulging blue veins appeared more clearly on the nape of his neck than before, and he stopped breathing. He’s going to blow up! I paused and quickly clasped my hands, putting everything behind me, including the house, Seo Seung-won, and Woo Ji-min.
“I, I was-…”
But before I could apologize, his voice suddenly became rough.
“And you drink half of it on an empty stomach!”
His black shirt, especially the tightness around the chest, seemed particularly angry. The situation was not good. I tried to say that I didn’t have an empty stomach since I ate it with snacks, but I just gave up and begged. He didn’t raise his fist or make any threats, but somewhere I felt like his patience was about to snap, and it sent a chill down my spine.
“If you have a reason why you had to drink it, I’ll listen.”
An unbearable silence was followed by a deep sigh, and then he suddenly relented. Oh, he didn’t explode. Does that mean this is an opportunity? In that case, I had to seize it. I quickly got up from my prone position and put on a serious expression.
“Hyung, when I drink, my body really feels lighter.”
I spoke with sincerity. He listened quietly, and then he slowly tapped his chin. Time seemed to drag on as he stared at the ceiling. His thick forearm resting on his thigh and his fingers moving restlessly made me extremely nervous.
He didn’t believe it. It’s true though… But it’s not like I don’t understand at all, so I tried to persuade him with a little more sincerity. Just in case.
“Originally, even if I stay still, I hurt all over. But when I drink, the pain eases a bit.”
“…”
His expression becomes increasingly dark. He took my cigarette pack that I had left next to the alcohol. The cigarette pack rolled in his hand looked small and looked like a toy at first glance. I quickly handed him the mini torch after he took out a cigarette. Tae Seong-je’s expression, which had calmed for a moment, suddenly crumpled.
“You smoke, seriously.”
His face was both intimidating and displeased, with visible blood vessels pulsing. I timidly moved away, and his expression turned into something other than displeasure as he slowly lit the cigarette. Even if he died and came back to life, he probably wouldn’t understand my situation. Tae Seong-je was an extremely rational person who couldn’t believe in my surreal life. It was unfortunate, but unavoidable.
I used to like watching his cheeks sink deeply when he inhaled, so I wanted to enjoy that for a moment. But for some reason, he just burned the cigarette until it was nothing but ash. He looked so distraught and deep in thought that I didn’t dare speak to him, and the cigarette pack was mercilessly crumpled in his hands.
“Where did you get this?”
“A convenience store. …Hyung, I bought it with my own money.”
Why did he look at me with such distrust?
“But you don’t smoke. So why did you buy this?”
Because I missed you.
“Because it was tough.”
A different answer slipped out instead of what I wanted to say. But that was also another answer. I realized it too late, but I just accepted it with indifference. Denying that it was tough wouldn’t change anything anyway.
Then he unexpectedly tapped the cigarette butt against the opening of the small whiskey bottle. Why ruin a perfectly good bottle of alcohol? I couldn’t believe it, and I stared at his indifferent face in disbelief.
“What… What’s making it so tough for you?”
“…”
He brushed my cheek. Thanks to that, my lips curled up slightly, creating a subtly smiling face. I closed my mouth and chose silence. I felt like demanding understanding was too greedy, so I refrained.
Then he did something unexpected. He put the cigarette directly into the bottle of alcohol. I was shocked, and my eyes widened in astonishment.
“What are you doing? Huh? Uh…”
The moment I was about to protest, he lifted me up. He carried me to the kitchen… and placed me not on the countertop but between the sink. I lost my balance and lowered my head into the sink, then tilted my head. What’s he doing? Did he want to do it here again? So suddenly?
Then a stream of water gushed out. I gasped as I looked at the cool water pouring right next to me. Was this his way of showing displeasure because I kept ignoring his warnings? I believed that he wasn’t the kind of person who would resort to torture, even though he was a gangster. I shouted at him with a face that must have looked quite irritated, even without looking.
“No matter how, hyung, even if I know you’re a gangster, this isn’t right!”
“It’s more like getting your head wet if it’s just this much water, so do you want to dip your head once?”
“…”
“This is really… how you see me.”
“No, I’m just too surprised, stop it.”
“You’re noisy. Just stay still.”
He grumbled irritably and began to wash his hands meticulously. It was uncomfortable to see him washing his hands while holding me. I couldn’t help but watch. His strong arms with rolled-up sleeves, bulging veins, thick wrists, and his hands wet from the running water were quite captivating.
It felt like sitting in the best seat and secretly watching or rather, casually watching the everyday life of the person I liked. I had so many thoughts. I watched him observe his wet palms, wondering how far he would think about things… even watching him wipe off the moisture with a generous heart. Suddenly, he grabbed my chin.
“Uh!”
My lips were forced apart as he put pressure on my cheeks with his thumb and index finger. His finger went deep into my mouth. His fingers, other than the one that held my chin in place, pressed against my tongue and the roof of my mouth. I squirmed in surprise, but I couldn’t move because of his strong grip. I silently cursed him in my mind.
It seemed he was going to make me throw up everything I drank. He’s really cruel. It’s too much. Tears welled up in my eyes, but before his long fingers could stimulate my throat, I wriggled my tongue inside my mouth in protest. The drool drenched his fingers and dripped down the sink. I grabbed his wet hand and thick wrist tightly with both hands and pushed him away…
Ah, he’s not budging at all! I resolved firmly to do more arm exercises while clenching my teeth.
…Should I bite him?
“Hey, are you going to bite like a damn dog now?”
I slowly raised my gaze without the tension in my jaw, and Tae Seong-je was smiling grimly.
“You’ve shown me how to get drunk like a dog, and now you’re biting? Do you really want to act like a dog, or do you want to do that kind of thing? Do you want to put on a leash and crawl into a doghouse?”
“Ugh, ugh.”
I shook my head vigorously from side to side. I realized that the tension in his hand had disappeared for a moment. With his fingers still in my mouth, I held my lips apart and remained on guard. I quickly thought about how to escape, but was he teasing me for making such a small mistake?
“Why. I can take you for a walk every day. I’m looking for a house with a yard so I can live with my dog. I’ll take good care of you, and you won’t have to worry about being abandoned. They say selling a dog is a profitable business, so why don’t you try it?”
“I was wrong… Aah, hyung, my throat! It hurts!”
I knew he had caught on to my intentions when he tried to put his fingers back in, so I shouted urgently and protected the drink in my stomach—no, I mean my mouth. It was an impulsive statement because it seemed like he was concerned about my pain. This was the first time I had used my pain in this way.
But honestly, I was about to give up because I felt like he was going to tell me to stop freaking out and spit out all the alcohol, but his ruthless hand suddenly stopped. I opened my eyes that had been closed in resignation. I couldn’t believe this would work, but it did! I grabbed his wrist and quickly pushed him away.
I moistened my dry mouth and then slowly raised my head towards him. I spoke to him with a hesitant voice.
“If I throw up, it, it hurts…”
“…”
“Hyung, I don’t like being hurt…”
“…”
Surprisingly, really surprisingly, Tae Seong-je retreated. He continued to wipe his hands with a grimace on his face. I took a step back, trying not to disturb him. I slowly moved away from him as I wiped the saliva from my lips. I wondered if he had eyes on the back of his head because he suddenly spoke.
“Come on.”
“…”
I obediently approached him from behind and waited. I kept my eyes on the floor, but when I finally raised my gaze, I met his cold eyes.
“Seo Seung-won.”
“I’m sorry.”
I lowered my head deeply to start with an apology. It seemed like my genuine remorse had an effect because his voice softened slightly.
“Should I put you in the hospital for alcoholism?”
“No…”
“Don’t just give a nice answer just because your mouth is open.”
The sound of his tongue clicking created an unspoken pressure. Since he didn’t believe my words that alcohol was my medicine, what else could I say? I wasn’t disappointed. Focusing on each of these things would only prolong my depression.
“…I say these things because I’m worried.”
I nodded, unable to hide my sadness. I know. Unless I’m a robot, there’s no way I wouldn’t know. But, please… I was just… I stared blankly at the floor when suddenly my shoulder was firmly grasped. Startled, I raised my head and turned around quickly.
“H-hyung?”
He led me to the veranda, or more precisely, to where my bag was located. He led me there without hesitation. Despite having a perfectly good bed and sofa, I was forced to sit on the floor, and to make matters worse, he made me sit on his thigh. The moment my behind touched his firm thigh muscle and felt its presence, tension surged through me.
“Seems like my baby here can’t understand words. Damn it, just stay still.”
“B-but…”
Hyung, yours is touching me! I couldn’t sit comfortably, and as I squirmed, my survival bag suddenly nestled into my lap. In my haste to grab the bag, he wrapped his arm around me from behind.
