We didn’t tell the others just how bad things had gotten for me. It seemed like it would just cause a lot of worry and not much else. Privately though, Cerri voiced concerns about damage to my code.
Well, she didn’t call it code, she called it my neurological architecture. Apparently there was an important difference? Something about the structure of the computer I was stored on not being as simple as ones and zeroes and shit. I honestly didn’t understand what she was talking about, especially when she began talking about quantum background effects or something. It was way above my pay grade.
As a precaution, we created a more permanent bridge between my brain and Cerri’s so she could keep an eye on it. I was a little nervous about her reading my thoughts and stuff, but she just laughed when I mentioned it while we were trying to sleep the next night.
“We barely know anything about how to read the patterns in our neurological architecture,” she giggled, snuggling in close on the bed. “I can’t even read my own data to figure out what I’m feeling.”
"Oh," I murmured, then frowned as something occurred to me. "Wait, then how does all that psychology mumbo jumbo work in VR games?"
"The psych monitoring?" She asked. "We cheat, I think. We read some stuff from the brain, sure, but a lot of it is physiological stuff. Thing is, flesh and blood humans have all sorts of other stuff going on. Blood pressure, hormone levels, that kind of thing."
"That makes sense," I said sleepily.
"Actually, I'm doubting myself now," she chuckled, nuzzling her nose into my hair. "So don't quote me on that."
"Yes, dear," I mumbled. I was so lost in her embrace that intelligent thought was far beyond me. We were meant to be just friends, and yet here we were spooning in bed. One of her legs was thrust between mine, which had then wrapped themselves around it. Then there was the hand she had resting on my hip, where it periodically squished the soft skin there.
Yup. Definitely just friends. Nothing to see here.
The next day, I got stuck into my job in earnest. The ship was a little broken due to the storm and my emergency rescue. Thank god the shields were working, the storm outside hadn’t died down yet.
First came the new fabrication engine though, which Warren had updated with custom firmware. Dude was figuring out the alien programming stuff fast, that was for sure. Unsurprisingly, given its protestations while I was moving it, the fab had its own little fusion reactor. It could actually be deployed outside of the ship to aid in construction of whatever you might need. Most common use was probably as a temporary fab to help struggling colonies of the long dead space badger empire. That was Cerri’s best guess anyway.
With the new fab operational, it was a relatively simple task to haul debris in from the outside and shove it into the fab to be broken down. Raw materials acquired, I would then print out the part I needed and go install it. Easy peasy. Relatively speaking, anyway.
The list of shit I needed to replace seemed endless, so as a crew we worked on a priority list. Using that list as a guide, I began with every single attitude thruster on the ship. They used a sized up version of the ones that we’d strapped to Bundit, so I already had some knowledge there. Plus, my ever-present helpful little buns were there to sass me if I was about to fuck something simple up.
A week passed by in relative harmony on board the new ship, with everyone doing their part to make it feel like home.
After another day doing just that, I trudged wearily into our new rec room/galley and headed for the food machine. I was hungry and exhausted, but my brain was still wide awake.
We'd chosen to combine the two rooms into one because honestly, as much as the ship was amazing on paper, it was also huge and echoey. We just couldn't fill it up like we had with the first ship.
I kind of liked having them combined too. It felt cozier. Well, that and we had some great new additions to both rooms thanks to the fab. The pile of cushions in the corner was my favorite. The tables and chairs were a much more comfortable faux wood as well.
I grinned when I remembered feeding the old ones to the fab. Good riddance.
We also had like, a few screens up that cycled through pictures and stuff. It was cozy in here, a nice place with a proper lived-in feel.
On a less cozy note… I walked past Ed on my way to the machine, but I ignored him as always. We hadn't spoken more than two dozen words to each other since the incident.
Gloria, on the other hand, gave me an absent wave from where she sat playing video games in the recreation half of the room. Despite our awkward conversation the other day, she and I were still on good terms.
Eating felt like a hassle for my tired muscles right then, so I went for a big chocolate milkshake in a cup the size of my forearm. I ordered it with biscuit chunks too. Yum yum. Getting food exactly how you wanted it was easily one of the best parts about virtual reality.
Milkshake in hand, I wandered over to a table by myself to enjoy it and space out. Sometimes I just liked to let my mind wander in whatever direction it pleased. Usually that meant fragmented gibberish half thoughts, but sometimes it cooked up an interesting train of thought. Kind of like twitter, but with less vitriol.
"What did they do with your body?" Ed asked quietly.
His words jolted me from my daydreams and I turned to look at him.
He was staring at me, although not angrily or anything. He looked… tired more than anything else.
"No idea," I said, avoiding his eyes by looking down at my drink. "That thing was… I count any dream I have where I'm in that thing… I count it as a nightmare."
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his expression go sad. "You really hated it that much? Being a guy?"
I almost choked on the sip of milkshake I was taking and jerked my gaze up to make sure Gloria hadn't heard. No such luck. She was staring at me in surprise.
"Ed!" I hissed, willing him to shut up. I'd honestly wanted to just forget all about that particular detail of my past life.
"Huh?" He blinked, turning around in his seat. To my surprise, he swore under his breath and turned back to face me beseechingly. "I'm sorry! I didn't know she was there!"
Gloria turned her stare on the back of Ed's head with a look of bemusement. "Dude, really? How did you miss me here?"
"Too lost in my own head," he muttered glumly.
Rolling her eyes, she shrugged and turned to me. "Don't worry girl, I ain't no transphobe. Makes even more sense why you cut out the old meatsack, though."
"Transph—" I began, surprised. "Huh?"
Every gear in my head had just ground to a halt. I knew what the word meant, obviously. You'd have to be very clueless to not know at least vaguely what transphobia was… I think?
Doubts rose and I rushed to search the term online. I sat there for several long seconds as I skimmed articles on the subject, until I closed my browser tabs and returned to staring at Gloria.
"Did… did you not realise?" She asked, looking just as confused as I felt. "I'm having trouble following it all now…"
"I don't think she did," Ed said, giving me a sad smile. "David and I were waiting for her to figure it out, let her come to us when she'd realized. We figured it would happen when she logged out."
"But I never did…" I said, wondering at the wild cascade of follow-on realizations that were happening inside my digital skull.
“Yeah,” he agreed, still looking all depressed and stuff.
Gloria, on the other hand, was giving me a big mushy smile. Standing up and dropping her controller, she walked around and over to me, pulling a chair up in the process.
I found myself pulled gently against her, one of her arms draped casually across my shoulders. “I don’t know what you were like before, but you make a very cute girl.”
“Me?” I mumbled shyly, looking up at her from under my lashes.
“Yeah, you,” she grinned. “With your expressive and oh so fluffy ears, your tail that goes all swooshy, big honest eyes. Plus, I love the shy mechanic thing, it’s adorable. Competent as hell, but without sacrificing even an ounce of femininity.”
My mouth hung open for several seconds as I processed all the compliments. My cheeks had already done so, I realised, when they began to flush with heat. I was a girl… a cute one?
I’d kind of just assumed the… it was hard to explain. I’d let myself become Alia, but she hadn’t totally been me. More like… a mask, just like my old self had been. The realisation I was having now was that it wasn’t a mask at all. It was like Gloria was pointing out how well the mask fit, and in my mind I’d taken it off to look at it, only to find the same thing hidden beneath.
Self examination, I guess, is what was happening. That, and I was realising that I didn’t hate the person I was once all the layers had been peeled away.
Gloria had waited patiently while all the gears turned in my head, and when she saw my eyes focus on her again, she continued, “I never once doubted that you were a girl, even now. It just fits, but I think you know that. I just wanted to hammer that one home. I know that a lot of trans people are… struggling inside. It’s part of the reason that transition is usually necessary in the first place. You and all of those like you, you’re precious, okay? Precious and so, so strong.”
Surprisingly, Ed began to nod along with her. “She’s right. I struggled with my sexuality for a long time before I finally accepted myself. I had to fight within and without. I can’t imagine how much harder it would be to have that same experience with something as fundamental to our existence as gender.”
“I didn’t even realise I was struggling with it,” I mumbled, emotionally overwhelmed by what the both of them were saying. “Not until Cerri gave me the files for digitization. She never used the word trans, but it was clear at the end of it that… well I was just happier like this, I guess?”
“Yeah, it’s been plain as day,” Ed said with a grimace. He sucked in a long, deep breath and turned his eyes to the ceiling for a moment before meeting mine again. “I’m sorry I didn’t accept… well, this. The digitization.”
A smile twitched at my lips, asking for permission to express itself. “Thank you.”
“I mean, if it makes any difference…” Gloria began, and I turned to find her biting her lip. “We might all end up needing to get digitized.”
“Why?” Ed and I asked simultaneously.
She shrugged. “Just some rumblings I’ve heard from my combat pilot buddies. Nothing serious, I hope. I know I’m going to get myself uploaded sooner rather than later, though. I’m still having fun being alive, and I’d like to make sure I stay that way. Flesh is remarkably fragile. Plus, it ages. I’ll save a fortune on cosmetics. It’s the ultimate wrinkle cream.”
“I don’t think I could do that,” Ed said worriedly. “You’ll tell us if those rumblings get louder, right?”
“Absolutely,” she nodded. “But I think that’s enough vague doom and gloom. Let’s get back to telling Alia how great she is.”
“Good plan,” he smiled, and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I had my big goofy friend back. I’d missed him.
We didn’t tell the others just how bad things had gotten for me. It seemed like it would just cause a lot of worry and not much else. Privately though, Cerri voiced concerns about damage to my code.
Well, she didn’t call it code, she called it my neurological architecture. Apparently there was an important difference? Something about the structure of the computer I was stored on not being as simple as ones and zeroes and shit. I honestly didn’t understand what she was talking about, especially when she began talking about quantum background effects or something. It was way above my pay grade.
As a precaution, we created a more permanent bridge between my brain and Cerri’s so she could keep an eye on it. I was a little nervous about her reading my thoughts and stuff, but she just laughed when I mentioned it while we were trying to sleep the next night.
“We barely know anything about how to read the patterns in our neurological architecture,” she giggled, snuggling in close on the bed. “I can’t even read my own data to figure out what I’m feeling.”
"Oh," I murmured, then frowned as something occurred to me. "Wait, then how does all that psychology mumbo jumbo work in VR games?"
"The psych monitoring?" She asked. "We cheat, I think. We read some stuff from the brain, sure, but a lot of it is physiological stuff. Thing is, flesh and blood humans have all sorts of other stuff going on. Blood pressure, hormone levels, that kind of thing."
"That makes sense," I said sleepily.
"Actually, I'm doubting myself now," she chuckled, nuzzling her nose into my hair. "So don't quote me on that."
"Yes, dear," I mumbled. I was so lost in her embrace that intelligent thought was far beyond me. We were meant to be just friends, and yet here we were spooning in bed. One of her legs was thrust between mine, which had then wrapped themselves around it. Then there was the hand she had resting on my hip, where it periodically squished the soft skin there.
Yup. Definitely just friends. Nothing to see here.
The next day, I got stuck into my job in earnest. The ship was a little broken due to the storm and my emergency rescue. Thank god the shields were working, the storm outside hadn’t died down yet.
First came the new fabrication engine though, which Warren had updated with custom firmware. Dude was figuring out the alien programming stuff fast, that was for sure. Unsurprisingly, given its protestations while I was moving it, the fab had its own little fusion reactor. It could actually be deployed outside of the ship to aid in construction of whatever you might need. Most common use was probably as a temporary fab to help struggling colonies of the long dead space badger empire. That was Cerri’s best guess anyway.
With the new fab operational, it was a relatively simple task to haul debris in from the outside and shove it into the fab to be broken down. Raw materials acquired, I would then print out the part I needed and go install it. Easy peasy. Relatively speaking, anyway.
The list of shit I needed to replace seemed endless, so as a crew we worked on a priority list. Using that list as a guide, I began with every single attitude thruster on the ship. They used a sized up version of the ones that we’d strapped to Bundit, so I already had some knowledge there. Plus, my ever-present helpful little buns were there to sass me if I was about to fuck something simple up.
A week passed by in relative harmony on board the new ship, with everyone doing their part to make it feel like home.
After another day doing just that, I trudged wearily into our new rec room/galley and headed for the food machine. I was hungry and exhausted, but my brain was still wide awake.
We'd chosen to combine the two rooms into one because honestly, as much as the ship was amazing on paper, it was also huge and echoey. We just couldn't fill it up like we had with the first ship.
I kind of liked having them combined too. It felt cozier. Well, that and we had some great new additions to both rooms thanks to the fab. The pile of cushions in the corner was my favorite. The tables and chairs were a much more comfortable faux wood as well.
I grinned when I remembered feeding the old ones to the fab. Good riddance.
We also had like, a few screens up that cycled through pictures and stuff. It was cozy in here, a nice place with a proper lived-in feel.
On a less cozy note… I walked past Ed on my way to the machine, but I ignored him as always. We hadn't spoken more than two dozen words to each other since the incident.
Gloria, on the other hand, gave me an absent wave from where she sat playing video games in the recreation half of the room. Despite our awkward conversation the other day, she and I were still on good terms.
Eating felt like a hassle for my tired muscles right then, so I went for a big chocolate milkshake in a cup the size of my forearm. I ordered it with biscuit chunks too. Yum yum. Getting food exactly how you wanted it was easily one of the best parts about virtual reality.
Milkshake in hand, I wandered over to a table by myself to enjoy it and space out. Sometimes I just liked to let my mind wander in whatever direction it pleased. Usually that meant fragmented gibberish half thoughts, but sometimes it cooked up an interesting train of thought. Kind of like twitter, but with less vitriol.
"What did they do with your body?" Ed asked quietly.
His words jolted me from my daydreams and I turned to look at him.
He was staring at me, although not angrily or anything. He looked… tired more than anything else.
"No idea," I said, avoiding his eyes by looking down at my drink. "That thing was… I count any dream I have where I'm in that thing… I count it as a nightmare."
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his expression go sad. "You really hated it that much? Being a guy?"
I almost choked on the sip of milkshake I was taking and jerked my gaze up to make sure Gloria hadn't heard. No such luck. She was staring at me in surprise.
"Ed!" I hissed, willing him to shut up. I'd honestly wanted to just forget all about that particular detail of my past life.
"Huh?" He blinked, turning around in his seat. To my surprise, he swore under his breath and turned back to face me beseechingly. "I'm sorry! I didn't know she was there!"
Gloria turned her stare on the back of Ed's head with a look of bemusement. "Dude, really? How did you miss me here?"
"Too lost in my own head," he muttered glumly.
Rolling her eyes, she shrugged and turned to me. "Don't worry girl, I ain't no transphobe. Makes even more sense why you cut out the old meatsack, though."
"Transph—" I began, surprised. "Huh?"
Every gear in my head had just ground to a halt. I knew what the word meant, obviously. You'd have to be very clueless to not know at least vaguely what transphobia was… I think?
Doubts rose and I rushed to search the term online. I sat there for several long seconds as I skimmed articles on the subject, until I closed my browser tabs and returned to staring at Gloria.
"Did… did you not realise?" She asked, looking just as confused as I felt. "I'm having trouble following it all now…"
"I don't think she did," Ed said, giving me a sad smile. "David and I were waiting for her to figure it out, let her come to us when she'd realized. We figured it would happen when she logged out."
"But I never did…" I said, wondering at the wild cascade of follow-on realizations that were happening inside my digital skull.
“Yeah,” he agreed, still looking all depressed and stuff.
Gloria, on the other hand, was giving me a big mushy smile. Standing up and dropping her controller, she walked around and over to me, pulling a chair up in the process.
I found myself pulled gently against her, one of her arms draped casually across my shoulders. “I don’t know what you were like before, but you make a very cute girl.”
“Me?” I mumbled shyly, looking up at her from under my lashes.
“Yeah, you,” she grinned. “With your expressive and oh so fluffy ears, your tail that goes all swooshy, big honest eyes. Plus, I love the shy mechanic thing, it’s adorable. Competent as hell, but without sacrificing even an ounce of femininity.”
My mouth hung open for several seconds as I processed all the compliments. My cheeks had already done so, I realised, when they began to flush with heat. I was a girl… a cute one?
I’d kind of just assumed the… it was hard to explain. I’d let myself become Alia, but she hadn’t totally been me. More like… a mask, just like my old self had been. The realisation I was having now was that it wasn’t a mask at all. It was like Gloria was pointing out how well the mask fit, and in my mind I’d taken it off to look at it, only to find the same thing hidden beneath.
Self examination, I guess, is what was happening. That, and I was realising that I didn’t hate the person I was once all the layers had been peeled away.
Gloria had waited patiently while all the gears turned in my head, and when she saw my eyes focus on her again, she continued, “I never once doubted that you were a girl, even now. It just fits, but I think you know that. I just wanted to hammer that one home. I know that a lot of trans people are… struggling inside. It’s part of the reason that transition is usually necessary in the first place. You and all of those like you, you’re precious, okay? Precious and so, so strong.”
Surprisingly, Ed began to nod along with her. “She’s right. I struggled with my sexuality for a long time before I finally accepted myself. I had to fight within and without. I can’t imagine how much harder it would be to have that same experience with something as fundamental to our existence as gender.”
“I didn’t even realise I was struggling with it,” I mumbled, emotionally overwhelmed by what the both of them were saying. “Not until Cerri gave me the files for digitization. She never used the word trans, but it was clear at the end of it that… well I was just happier like this, I guess?”
“Yeah, it’s been plain as day,” Ed said with a grimace. He sucked in a long, deep breath and turned his eyes to the ceiling for a moment before meeting mine again. “I’m sorry I didn’t accept… well, this. The digitization.”
A smile twitched at my lips, asking for permission to express itself. “Thank you.”
“I mean, if it makes any difference…” Gloria began, and I turned to find her biting her lip. “We might all end up needing to get digitized.”
“Why?” Ed and I asked simultaneously.
She shrugged. “Just some rumblings I’ve heard from my combat pilot buddies. Nothing serious, I hope. I know I’m going to get myself uploaded sooner rather than later, though. I’m still having fun being alive, and I’d like to make sure I stay that way. Flesh is remarkably fragile. Plus, it ages. I’ll save a fortune on cosmetics. It’s the ultimate wrinkle cream.”
“I don’t think I could do that,” Ed said worriedly. “You’ll tell us if those rumblings get louder, right?”
“Absolutely,” she nodded. “But I think that’s enough vague doom and gloom. Let’s get back to telling Alia how great she is.”
“Good plan,” he smiled, and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I had my big goofy friend back. I’d missed him.
