The song I sang at the mansion—I couldn’t remember what it was. It might have been a lullaby. He wanted to hear me, but I felt sorry that I couldn’t sing it for him. Likewise, I also wanted to see him happy. I thought I would like it if he smiled at me. Although that was when Haeseo was Yeonseon Ham… there was little difference between then and now. Practically none.
I did wonder whether love or obsession came first in our relationship.
“I know. Your brain remembers it. I know it as if I experienced it myself, Haeseo…” I said.
“That’s good.” Haeseo kissed my forehead and smiled.
He no longer felt nervous when I called him “Haeseo.” I had thought it was my imagination when he listened to me well when I called him Haeseo, but it truly was my own misunderstanding. He was so meticulous. Whenever I called him “Haeseo,” I had to face the fact that I was a ghost who did something wicked to him. Every time I called him “Haeseo,” I had no choice but to be kinder and softer to him.
But that ended here. He didn’t need to wring out my sympathy.
I understood his reasons, so I nodded. He… had a good reason.
“In moments like these, I feel that it’s too bad.” Haeseo pulled me from behind and mumbled, “When I feel like it’s a good day for fruit, I still don’t know what you truly like. I hover in front of a fruit store then end up picking something good for your body. Because that body isn’t yours, I end up thinking that I have no choice but to cater to the body’s condition…”
“I don’t like raspberries.”
“I already know that. I know that you only like them because your grandmother picked them for you,” he replied and rubbed his lips against the back of my neck. “If your body wasn’t dead…”
“…”
“Then, I would have known what you liked, loved, and found beautiful when you were still alive. But if you hadn’t died, we would have never met. I love all the tragedy that happened to you and me so that we could meet, but I just feel a bit resentful at times like these. Each passing moment, I want to become one with you.”
His dream-like words made me momentarily imagine the two of us walking under the sky of Seoul. I imagined him and me, similar in age and neither one of us dead, meeting each other and going around together—just like normal lovers. I chuckled weakly since it was truly exactly like a dream.
Something impossible…
“When I was alive, I had never tasted any fruits. To be exact, I have no memory of it. I didn’t enjoy eating any dish. I don’t remember what I liked or found beautiful. I died so young that I don’t even know who I was as a person. I only remember the moments when I was crying and begging,” I said.
Haeseo pulled away and gazed at me. The more I talked, the more aware I became that I knew nothing about myself before I died. I only knew about Haeseo—his relationships, his preferences, his height, his weight, and his memories. His ruined life. It was a bitter feeling.
“Nobody knows me, even me. The things I enjoy and care for were all possible because of Haeseo’s body. My name that you told me is my everything,” I said, then I locked eyes with him. Haeseo merely stared at me. No matter how skilled he was at consoling me, it seemed like he had no immunity to this topic of conversation.
The song I sang at the mansion—I couldn’t remember what it was. It might have been a lullaby. He wanted to hear me, but I felt sorry that I couldn’t sing it for him. Likewise, I also wanted to see him happy. I thought I would like it if he smiled at me. Although that was when Haeseo was Yeonseon Ham… there was little difference between then and now. Practically none.
I did wonder whether love or obsession came first in our relationship.
“I know. Your brain remembers it. I know it as if I experienced it myself, Haeseo…” I said.
“That’s good.” Haeseo kissed my forehead and smiled.
He no longer felt nervous when I called him “Haeseo.” I had thought it was my imagination when he listened to me well when I called him Haeseo, but it truly was my own misunderstanding. He was so meticulous. Whenever I called him “Haeseo,” I had to face the fact that I was a ghost who did something wicked to him. Every time I called him “Haeseo,” I had no choice but to be kinder and softer to him.
But that ended here. He didn’t need to wring out my sympathy.
I understood his reasons, so I nodded. He… had a good reason.
“In moments like these, I feel that it’s too bad.” Haeseo pulled me from behind and mumbled, “When I feel like it’s a good day for fruit, I still don’t know what you truly like. I hover in front of a fruit store then end up picking something good for your body. Because that body isn’t yours, I end up thinking that I have no choice but to cater to the body’s condition…”
“I don’t like raspberries.”
“I already know that. I know that you only like them because your grandmother picked them for you,” he replied and rubbed his lips against the back of my neck. “If your body wasn’t dead…”
“…”
“Then, I would have known what you liked, loved, and found beautiful when you were still alive. But if you hadn’t died, we would have never met. I love all the tragedy that happened to you and me so that we could meet, but I just feel a bit resentful at times like these. Each passing moment, I want to become one with you.”
His dream-like words made me momentarily imagine the two of us walking under the sky of Seoul. I imagined him and me, similar in age and neither one of us dead, meeting each other and going around together—just like normal lovers. I chuckled weakly since it was truly exactly like a dream.
Something impossible…
“When I was alive, I had never tasted any fruits. To be exact, I have no memory of it. I didn’t enjoy eating any dish. I don’t remember what I liked or found beautiful. I died so young that I don’t even know who I was as a person. I only remember the moments when I was crying and begging,” I said.
Haeseo pulled away and gazed at me. The more I talked, the more aware I became that I knew nothing about myself before I died. I only knew about Haeseo—his relationships, his preferences, his height, his weight, and his memories. His ruined life. It was a bitter feeling.
“Nobody knows me, even me. The things I enjoy and care for were all possible because of Haeseo’s body. My name that you told me is my everything,” I said, then I locked eyes with him. Haeseo merely stared at me. No matter how skilled he was at consoling me, it seemed like he had no immunity to this topic of conversation.
